


Hospital Beds and Memories

by aweirdkindofyellow



Series: Hospital Beds and Memories [1]
Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Car Accidents, F/M, Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2020-06-06 13:05:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 78
Words: 187,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19446229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aweirdkindofyellow/pseuds/aweirdkindofyellow
Summary: So let me introduce myself. No, there is nothing seriously wrong with me, I just happened to be in a car crash at 21 years old. This then resulted in me being in a coma for a year and loosing 5 years of my memory. Great right? The doctors said I will be able to remember specific events one day, but who knows? I rarely get these moments.I guess this is my adventure that isn't very adventurous and probably rather boring. You be the judge.Notes:Ireland's condition is made up, it is not meant to resemble any specific medical condition. Some facts, however, are based on several different conditions.This story has already been finished, but I'm posting all the chapters now. It might take a while.





	1. Coffee Spills

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so, I decided to transfer all my stories here. Reading this back, there is so much I would improve, but I promise the writing gets better with each chapter. This was the second story I ever wrote, so bare with me. Also, I already finished this story a while ago, so I'll slowly be posting these chapters.

So… how do I start this. I guess I’ll just introduce myself. My name is Ireland Knight and apparently, I’m 23 years old. I say apparently because I don’t remember a thing from when I was 16 to 21. A few days after my 21st birthday I got hit by a drunk driver. My car flipped over a couple of times and I passed out, nearly dead. The only way for me to survive was a medically induced coma. There was barely any hope for me, but my parents and my brother kept wishing. When I woke up from the coma I thought I was 16, but no, I was 22. I literally have no memory from those years.

The doctors told my family that they shouldn’t tell me about things that have happened in those years. They say I won’t be able to actually remember and instead believe I remember, which would then stunt my progress or something. It’s complicated. So, slowly but surely I started to remember stuff at the most random moments. For example, I was just casually taking a shower when I suddenly remembered when my brother accidentally pushed me a bit too hard and made me fall down the stairs. I was left with a concussion and a broken wrist. But then there’s also more logical times I remember stuff. Like when I picked up a camera I remembered taking a photography class.

This leads me to what I am doing now. I had just gotten my daily coffee, yes just plain coffee, no fancy stuff, and was about to walk to my dance classes. Files with photos I had taken at a photoshoot were in my arms since I had to send them in that day. I had been procrastinating a lot and it was the deadline, I definitely couldn’t afford loosing my job.

So, let me get back to the story.

I was exiting the shop and wasn’t paying attention. Of course, me being me, I managed to bump into somebody and get coffee spilled all over my shirt (shit) and files (double shit). I didn’t care about my skin burning, all that was on my mind was that my photos were probably ruined. It actually took me a while to register the voice talking to me.

“Are you ok?” They asked.

“Yeah, it’s all good. That was my fault,” I said while pouring the coffee, which had pooled on the file, on the floor.

“No, really, that was my fault. Let me buy you a new coffee.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“I insist.”

I sighed and gave in. It seemed like this guy wasn’t going to give up. We walked back inside and stood in the line. I smelled like coffee and probably looked very crazy with a gigantic stain on my shirt.

“I’m sorry about your shirt.” The guy frowned.

“I got a change, don’t worry.” I pointed at the sports bag I had brought along with me. The guy nodded and looked at his phone.

As we neared the counter he turned to me again, “So, what do you want to have?”

“Just a plain coffee, thanks.” I smiled.

“Really? I really don’t care if you want something else, you don’t have to take the cheapest option.”

“Still just a plain coffee. I don’t like the other fancy shit.”

“Ok.” He shrugged and turned to the girl behind the counter. “Just a plain coffee for her, and I’ll have an iced vanilla latte.”

After our names were called out we sat down at an empty table. I placed my files in front of me and sighed. I was terrified of how the photos were going to look. This was the first time I had taken photos for a larger magazine. It wasn’t a magazine like 'vogue' just yet, but I was slowly getting there. Some people might have called my progress fast, though. I had just been in this business for a year or so and was already taking photos for indie magazines that were known quite a bit. If these photos were ruined, I would probably lose my job.

“So, let’s assess the damage.” I breathed out, trying to straighten out the paper that started wrinkling.

I opened the file and saw coffee stains all over the pictures. The photos were no longer white and crisp. Some of the edges were curling up and shadows were counteracted by the brown liquid dying the highlights.

“I can make this work, right?” I looked up at the guy. “If I just write some bullshit along with it they’ll buy it and hopefully not fire me, right?”

“I guess.” He shrugged. “Let me see them.”

He studied them for a while and occasionally nodded his head, “I guess you can write some bullshit along with it. The photos aren’t technically ruined.”

I frowned and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. Staring off into the distance, I suddenly got an idea. The pen touched the paper and words started flowing out. I managed to write the whole note without having to scribble out anything, so I luckily didn’t need to rewrite it.

“How does this sound?” I held up the piece of paper, “The coffee stains are part of the creative process. It represents how our minds have patches of certain emotions. These can be any emotion, but it is often an emotion that we can’t suppress and don’t have control over. If we aren’t careful it can cloud over our whole mind and heart.”

I looked at the guy who was staring at me. He wasn’t saying anything, so I took my time to stare back at him. I noticed he had a white streak in his spiked up black hair. His eyebrows were rather bushy and he had some scruff that suited him. I reached out my hand and snapped my fingers in front of his brown eyes. He jumped slightly and shook his head.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” he stammered.

I grinned at him and started packing my stuff up. “So, I really have to go to my dance classes or I’ll be late. If you want you can join me.”

Why did I just ask this guy to join me? I didn't even fucking know him. He might be a serial killer or a rapist. I never even asked my brother or closest friends to join me. What the fuck was wrong with me?

“Sure,” he replied, “I don’t have anything better to do.”

Why did he reply so easily? Maybe he was actually going to kill me. But he brought me coffee, he probably wouldn’t do that, but maybe that was part of his plan. He wouldn’t do that, right?

I let out a nervous chuckle and picked up my stuff before walking away, motioning for him to follow me. We walked past the many tall buildings and walked in silence… awkward silence. I cleared my throat and decided to break it.

“So, what’s your name?” I asked

“Umm, Jack. What’s yours?”

“Ireland, but for some reason my brother calls me Field. Probably because he associates the country Ireland with a lot of fields.”

Jack laughed, “I can see why he would say that. There’s a lot of open land in the countryside, but the cities are large as well. I’ve only ever stayed in the cities.”

“You’ve been there before? That’s so cool! I never really left Maryland.” Or at least that I could remember. That was always the worst part: meeting new people and not being able to talk about experiences because I just couldn’t remember. It was just blank for me.

“I’ve been all over the world, but I guess it belongs to the job.”

“Hmm, really? What do you do?”

Jack seemed to hesitate but eventually decided to answer anyway, “I’m in a band. All Time Low. Maybe you heard of it before.”

Something about the name sounded familiar, but I could swear I never heard it before. It probably was just something that sounded like another common phrase or saying.

“Nope, I don’t think I’ve heard of it before, sorry.”

“At least you’re being honest. Just promise to listen to our music sometime.”

“I will.”

I stopped in front of a modernized building and entered. Jack quietly followed me. We walked up 3 flights of stairs and I opened a red metal door to the studio. Everybody was already in and talking to each other. I told Jack to sit against the mirror and quickly went to change my shirt. When I came back I saw three girls surrounding and talking to him. I heard them asking about All Time Low and autographs and how he knew me.

I raised my voice, “Ok guys! Let’s start with some warm ups. I promised that guy over there that I would listen to his music and since some of you guys seem to know who he is, I expect you to have it on your phone.”

It was always weird to give instructions to people my age and up. I was quite surprised that they actually listened, but then again I was their instructor, so they technically had to listen to me.

One of the girls ran over to their bag, took out their phone and put it in the speaker we had in the corner. She put on a song and somehow I started humming along with the song. I hadn’t heard it before but yet I knew exactly which lyrics were about to come next. I shrugged it off and started the warm up routine.

\----

After I had finished the dance classes and people started to leave, I walked over to Jack. He gave me a big smile and stood up from his spot on the floor.

“I did not expect that.” He grinned.

“Expect what?” I queried.

“That you were the instructor, and that you were able to sing along to some of the songs.”

“Well, yes, I’m the instructor. And I also don’t understand the song part. I swear I never heard the songs before.”

“Weird. I guess you’re psychic.”

“Maybe.”

I was honestly confused. Normally in these situations I would have remembered, especially with music. But for some reason there was no memory. The songs didn’t sound familiar, yet I knew the melody and the lyrics. It was really weird. Maybe I checking up with the doctor again wasn't a bad idea. I hadn’t had a memory in quite some time, maybe my progress was slowing down.

I was about to tell Jack that I was going to go home and that I had to let him go, but I looked at one of the walls and saw a large canvas. It was a photo I had taken which I printed on a canvas, but I had kept it in here for the last week. I asked my brother countless of times if he could come over to help me, but he always seemed to find an excuse. However, now there was somebody else here that could help me. Maybe I would be risky telling Jack where I lived. But then again I was almost certain he wasn’t dangerous.

“Hey, Jack. Can I ask you for a favor?” I asked.

“Umm, yeah, sure.” He smiled.

“You see that canvas over there. I need to bring it home, but it’s too big to take by myself. I was wondering if you could help me. My place is literally just around the corner.”

“Yeah, no problem."

I took one end of the canvas while Jack took the other. Somehow I managed to grab my bag as well, the files were already sent off when we went to the dance studio. We slowly walked down the stairs, laughing as we almost tripped on each step. The walk to my house was short, it was just 2 blocks down.

We entered to old industrial building that had been renovated to house lofts. Unfortunately, the place didn’t have an elevator so we had to climb up 4 flights of stairs. This time I actually did trip once, making Jack freak out. However, when Jack fell down I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I reached for the key in my bag and opened the door. The TV was on and I groaned. Jack and I put down the canvas against one of the walls.

“Are you being fucking serious,” I growled.

I took a deep breath and raised my voice. “Cameron!”

My brother shot up from the couch, still in his pajamas. A bowl of popcorn flew through the air. It was already 3 in the afternoon, how the fuck was he still in his pajamas! I sighed at my brother’s appearance. His hair was messy and sticking up in weird angles and it looked like he hadn’t showered in days.

“You said you were going out to look for a job today! Why are you still here looking like this!” I scolded.

“I was going to, but then, you see, I didn’t,” he trailed off.

“I can see, but I don’t care. You’re going to take a shower and go outside and find a job.”

He looked past me and focused on Jack who was standing a couple feet behind me. His eyes went wide and his mouth opened.

“You do know who that is, right, Field?” Cameron pointed at Jack, his face still in the same expression.

“Yeah, that’s Jack.” I shrugged.

“Jack from fucking All Time Low.”

I squinted my eyes and Cameron when I suddenly hit me, “Oh my god. I remember!”

Cameron focused his attention on me again, “You do! What do you remember!”

“You used to blast their music. The number of times I had to bang on the wall for you to turn it down is way too high.”

“Yes! That’s right!” He exclaimed, “Now… can I stay in?”

“Nope, not happening, and clean that up.” I pointed at the popcorn scattered around the bowl on the floor.

“Nah.” He shook his head and scrunched up his nose as he retreated to his bedroom.

I looked over at Jack and groaned. Jack raised his eyebrow at me, causing both of us to laugh.

“So, that’s my brother Cameron.” I sighed.

“I figured, he’s the one who calls you Field.” Jack remembered.

I nodded and grinned. Jack reached into his pocket and took out his phone before frowning. He looked up at me with a sorry look.

“One of my friends wants me to meet him in 10 minutes, so I have to go. But I really liked hanging out with you, so would it be bad if I asked for your number?”

“No, of course not.”

I took his phone out of his hand and created a new contact, putting my phone number in and saving it as ‘The coffee spill girl, also known as Ireland’. I handed it back to Jack and he thanked me. He said goodbye and showed himself out.

All I was left with was the mess on the floor. This used to be just Cameron’s loft, but I moved in with him after I was released from the hospital. He was supposed to care for me until I would be able to move out and live by myself, but instead the roles slowly reversed. He used to play in a band, but they broke up, leaving him without a job. Now all Cameron did was lie in bed the entire day and sleep, occasionally coming out to spend time watching TV. I tried so hard to make him get a new job, but it was like he didn't want to. It’s like he was fine with me caring for him and paying all the bills.

He’s a great brother, right?


	2. Photographs for Memories

It had been a couple of weeks since my encounter with Jack. He hadn’t called or texted, but to be honest I didn’t really mind. I actually had forgotten about him. I was busy with work and was trying to get my brother off of his lazy ass and actually find a job. Today was going to be the day that I was going to be successful.

At eight in the morning, I got up and stormed into my brother's room. It was a gigantic mess. CD’s were scattered around everywhere along with both dirty and clean clothes. His desk was full of random shit and posters on his wall were peeling off. I got on his bed and jumped on it, waking him up in no time.

“What the fuck, Field!” He screamed.

“You’re getting up, taking a shower and going to find a job,” I shouted back.

“But I don’t want to,” He whined.

“I don’t fucking care right now. You promised me.”

I got off of his bed and grabbed his arm before pulling him along with me. He dragged along into the bathroom and I turned on the shower. I made sure the water was cold enough to wake him up, but not too cold to make him get sick.

“You’re going to have to take off your clothes and shower yourself, I don’t want to do that.” I shivered, not even wanting to think about having to see him naked.

With that, I went out of the bathroom but hesitated before closing the door. I knew all of his tricks, and there was no way I was going to fall for them.

“Don’t even think about just putting your head under the faucet and act like you have showered,” I warned.

“Fine,” Cameron grumbled.

About 30 minutes later he came out showered and with clothes on. I grinned at the sight of him. He actually looked like my brother, not the lazy potato that lived on the couch. His hair wasn’t stuck together in strands and his face no longer looked as pale.

“Don’t you feel a lot better now?” I asked.

“I guess,” He shrugged.

“So, now you’re going to go out and look for a job because I’m pretty sure I lost my photography job, and the dance classes are not enough to keep us this place.”

“Ok, but I won’t promise anything,” He grabbed his phone and keys.

I told him some places to check out, such as the local music store, hot topic, or just simply the grocery store. The problem with Cameron was that he didn’t go to college because of the band he was in. He had no qualifications and so couldn’t get a ‘real’ job. I still remember the day they broke up. It was just a simple day, I had just started the dancing instructor job for fun, it was never meant to be my main income. I was already at home when Cameron suddenly came stumbling in. It was a weird time for him to come home so I knew something was wrong. He told me everybody in his band had decided they wanted to quit, not because they didn’t have faith, but because of personal reasons. Cameron was rather fine with it and was actually optimistic. He asked me to help find him a new job and maybe start up a new band. I was more than happy to, but then Cameron found out about the life of being able to sleep in every day, and his mood changed. He was no longer my best friend that used to tease me about him being 10 minutes older. There was a time I barely saw him anymore. It was quite upsetting, and believe it or not, the way he was 2 weeks ago was real progress already.

I was cleaning up the kitchen when my phone rang. It was an unknown number. I hesitated, but decided to answer it anyway. Why are we always so hesitant with unknown numbers?

“Hello?” I questioned, still afraid of what danger could be lurking on the other side.

“Hey, it’s Jack,” a voice chirped back happily, making all my doubts wash away slowly.

“Oh, hey.”

“Ok, so, I have a story for you.”

“Go ahead.”

I was confused by his straightforwardness. Was he always like this? I had totally forgotten about him, hadn’t he forgotten about me as well? Normally the famous person is the one to forget encounters with everyday people, right? This guy was confusing.

“Well, so there’s this guy who decided to go out. He walked into a park and looked around at the scenery. He then thought, ‘Wow, this place is beautiful, I wish I had a camera with me. Professional photographers would love to photograph this’. So then he remembered this girl he met a few weeks ago whose photos were ruined by said guy. Now he’s calling her.”

“Ok, so you’re telling me the story of somebody else’s life. Cool. Now, what do you want?” I joked.

“Just come over here,” He whined.

“Ok, ok. Where are you?”

He told me the address and I said I would be there soon. It was pretty chilly outside, so I quickly put on my coat, scarf and wooly beanie. I was a person that got cold pretty quickly, don’t judge, ok? Next, I had to go on a hunt for my polaroid camera and the camera I used outside of work. It was a camera that was less expensive and a lot easier to use.

I decided to walk to the park since it wasn’t too far away and it was always nice to be able to easily photograph things. Whenever I was in a car I'd find all these amazing places or things to photograph, but it was kinda impossible to randomly stop the car in the middle of the road. It was actually one of the first memories I remembered. I literally stopped the car in the middle of the road, but I got arrested after that. So, that will never happen again.

I entered the park and looked around. The tall trees had turned orange and leaves showered down whenever the wind blew softly. There was a small bridge that went over a river which was covered in these orange and red beauties. I continued looking around and found Jack awkwardly standing at a bench. He was pretty lanky, making me wonder how old he was. I figured he was around the same age as me, maybe a bit older, but definitely not younger. However, he also wasn’t scrawny enough for the jacket he was wearing to not fit properly.

He spotted me and waved me over. I slowly walked towards him, not wanting to slip or trip because of the leaves and then break my cameras. I barely had enough money for the rent and for groceries, there was no way I would be able to afford to repair or buy a new camera.

“Don’t you look cute,” Jack smirked, eyeing me up and down.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that, and I’m going to give you another chance,” I said seriously, but also jokingly.

“Don’t you look all wrapped up,” He tried again.

“That’s better. But I get cold easily, so don’t make fun of me.”

“I wasn’t.”

I grinned up at him and looked into his eyes. They were close to black, but with the right lighting, they shone the deepest brown I had ever seen. I took my camera and put the strap around his neck. He looked at me with the most adorable confused look.

“You said you wanted to take photos. Well, here’s a camera,” I went to turn away, “Now, that’s my job done here. Call me when you want to return it.”

“Don’t you dare leave me,” Jack threatened, “I don’t even know how to use this thing.”

“I’ll teach you then, plus I want to take some photos of my own.”

Jack went to give me back my camera, but I stopped him, “No, you keep that. I brought my polaroid camera, I’ll use that one.”

“Ok then… Now, what do I do.”

I sat down on the bench and patted the spot beside me for Jack to sit. He laughed and sat down. I kept the cord around his neck, but took the camera in my hands. Jack looked intently at the camera.

I touched the mode dial, “So, I’m just going to do the easy stuff. No manual exposure, HDR, or manual focus for you yet.”

“I’ll just act like I know all those terms.”

“This dial is used to change the mode. Right now, it’s in Program mode, it’s the mode I use least because the camera does everything for you, you just need to press the shutter button and you’re fine.”

“So that will be the one I will use the most,” Jack jested.

I rolled my eyes and continued, “Av is the aperture mode. I’m not going to go into the technical parts, because your brain probably can’t handle it. But basically, it determines the depth of field. The smaller the number, the blurrier the background. You change it with this wheel.” I pointed at a dial just in front of the shutter button.

“Ok, so smaller number equals more blurriness.”

“Yes, you’ll see the number when you look through the eyepiece. So, Tv stands for shutter priority. Don’t ask me why, it just does. You can change how long it takes the camera to take the photo, but the camera determines the depth of field. Then we also have manual mode, but you’ll fuck that up, ‘cause it uses manual exposure, so let’s leave that.”

“Which one do I put it on now?”

“I personally like Av or Manual, but it really depends. Just mess around with it. The SD card can take over a thousand photos, so that won’t be a problem.”

“Ok, I think I can do this.”

Jack stood up enthusiastically and I followed him. We started walking around together, occasionally taking pictures. I was careful with mine, having brought only 2 packets of film, meaning I only could take 16 photos. I would have loved to bring more, but film for polaroid cameras was fucking expensive. In total it cost more than 2 dollars per photo.

“So tell me a bit more about yourself,” Jack said out of nowhere, “I know you like photography and dancing, I also know you have a brother who’s older, I’m guessing.”

I dreaded that question. There was no way I was going to tell him about my health problems yet. I always had this happen whenever I met new people. I couldn’t tell a thing about myself, and they would think I wasn’t interested in them and would rather have them be gone. But I actually liked Jack, I didn’t want to scare him away.

“Umm, yeah, photography and dancing are my life. Like, literally, I wouldn’t have a place to stay or food to eat if it wasn’t for those two. My brother and I are twins, he’s the older one though, so you got that right. Other than that there’s not much. I guess I can tell you that I hate high heeled shoes, I’ve always wanted to learn how to play an instrument, and my spirit animal would have to be a duck.”

“A duck?” Jack laughed.

“Yeah, I don’t know why though. I guess they’re just cool.”

“Hmm, I can take that. But you and your brother are really twins? That’s pretty cool.”

“Maybe,” I shrugged, “He used to be my best friend, but that kinda changed when he changed into a person who can't give a fuck about anything.”

“Is it really that bad?”

“I literally had to drag him out of bed today. But I did manage to get him to shower and go out for once. It’s progress…. So now it’s your turn, tell me a bit about yourself.”

“Ok… I’ll do my standard introduction for interviews first. My name is Jack, I’m 27 years old, and I play the guitar,” Jack said very seriously.

“You're 27?”

“Yeah, you?”

“You don’t ask a girl how old she is!” I playfully gasped and playfully punched his arm, “No, but seriously, I’m 23.”

“Not bad,” Jack nodded his head.

“What’s that supposed to mean!”

“I honestly don’t know.” He chuckled, making his eyes squint a little.

“Now continue.”

“Ok, well I have 2 siblings, an older brother and older sister. No twins though. And being naked it one of my favorite things to do,” He grinned.

“Ok then… that’s not weird at all.”

We walked onto the bridge and stopped in the middle of it. I looked out at the river and my eyes went wide. This was a perfect shot.

“Jack, give me the camera,” I commanded and held out my hand.

Jack managed to clumsily take it off and give it to me. I kneeled down and placed the camera on the floor so the lense was sticking through the banisters. I switched the camera so it was on Tv and put on a long shutter speed.

“This is going to take a while, don’t move the camera, or you’ll ruin the photo.”

About a minute later the camera had finally taken the shot and I picked it up from the floor. I grinned as I saw the result and showed it to Jack. The leaves in the river stayed in the same place, but the water underneath it was running, making it look like the leaves were resting on a pillow. You could also see the path, so people were blurred as well.

“This is why you’re the photographer and I’m not,” Jack pointed out.

“The only thing I do is think of locations and settings, the camera does the rest,” I chuckled.

“But still.”

“Can I take your picture?” I asked out of nowhere, seeing an opportunity to practise taking pictures of actual people.

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Stay on the bridge.”

I walked back off the bridge and neared the river. If I wanted to get the photo from the angle I desired, I would have to nearly stand in the flowing water.

“Ireland, be careful!” Jack shouted out.

“Don’t worry, I am. If I fall in, it will just have to be a sacrifice I made for the perfect shot.”

“Just be careful, I don’t want to have to save you.”

I laughed and took small steps closer to the water. Jack leaned on the banister and I pointed the camera at him, taking a couple of shots. Suddenly I slipped slightly, stopping just before the edge. I looked up at Jack with wide eyes, he looked at me with a similar expression. We burst out laughing and I took another picture.

“And that’s how you get the best shots: Making people laugh, even if it might risk your own beautiful white jeans.” I chuckled as I walked back to the path.

Jack met me there and I showed him the photos. He said his favorite one was of him laughing and that I should get it printed billboard sized. I hit his chest and told him I would never ever want to have a photo of him that large.

“So, I think it’s time for me to go home,” I announced.

Jack pouted, “Ok, but let me at least walk you home.”

I agreed and let him join me. It wasn’t too far, but it was nice being in Jack’s presence. I had only known him for a day or two, and yet it felt like he was my best friend already. The last thing I wanted to do was leave him, but I had to check and see if Cameron was home and ask him how everything went.

“It was cool hanging out with you again,” I said.

“Yeah, we should definitely do it more often,” Jack agreed.

“I’ll try to make sure to call you, otherwise call me. Just know I won't be trying to avoid you, I might just be really busy.”

“Ok, got it.”

“Well, bye then.”

“Yeah, bye.” He awkwardly smiled back and let me go inside.

I walked up the many stairs to the loft and finally made it completely out of breath. As I opened to door. I heard that the TV was on once again, meaning Cameron was home. I called out his name, but got no response. Great, he was asleep. Notice the sarcasm? I made sure to close the door loudly. Cameron shook awake and looked at me.

“How did everything go?” I inquired.

“I got a girl’s phone number,” He grinned sleepily.

“That’s pretty cool,” I said optimistically, “And how’s the job hunt going?”

“Umm, about that…”

‘You didn’t even look, did you.”

“Well…”

“Ok, whatever.”

I watched as Cameron fell asleep again in no time. Why was he like this? He had been to the doctor and therapist many times, but they couldn’t find anything wrong with him. He was just plain lazy and didn’t care about things.

I got out my phone and rang the only number I could think of.

“Hello,” He answered.

“Jack, I’m going to be straightforward here and ask you if I can stay at yours tonight,” I sighed.

“Umm, sure. What’s wrong?”

“I know we haven’t known each other for long, but I really can’t take Cameron’s shit right now. He won’t even realize I’m gone.”

“I’ll be there in 5, wait outside for me.”


	3. Can This Get Any worse?

I didn’t bother going to my room to collect anything to stay the night and went straight downstairs. Jack was already leaned against the wall, waiting for me. I really felt bad. I had just known this guy for a day, and I was already burdening him with my problems. He didn't even know about my big problem. What the fuck was I doing!

“Hi.” I rocked back and forth on my feet, not sure how to start up our new conversation.

“Hey, are you ready to go? My car is parked just across the street.” Jack pointed at a black nice-looking car. It was definitely a vehicle he was proud of with its tinted windows, glossy finish, and near-sports-car feel.

“Yeah.” I nodded and started following him, checking both sides of the road before crossing.

Strangely enough, I wasn’t afraid of cars. You would expect me to be terrified to come near to them, but I really couldn’t care less. Yes, I was unfortunate a couple of years before, but I was alive and only had some brain damage. Many people expected me to have PTSD, my doctors even appointed specialized therapists, but I didn’t need them. I probably didn’t get scared because I just simply couldn’t remember what happened, so that really helped. My worst problem was also most likely my savior.

The car ride to his house was silent. I didn’t know what to talk about, and to be honest I really didn’t want to. All I did was look out of the window, watching the world pass by. The buildings slowly got smaller and further apart, meaning we were entering the suburbs. Jack parked his car in a driveway of a nice, but small house. It wasn’t the smallest in the area, but definitely also not the largest. It was the right size for a simple guy. Just like most houses in this area, it was white with a large-ish garden.

I followed Jack inside and looked around. It wasn’t as messy as I expected it to be, but it was probably nearly untouched because of all the touring he did. There was a wall full of golden and platinum records by All Time Low. It might sound a bit showoff-like, but for some reason it didn’t seem like that at all. It was more like he was proud of his accomplishments and only put them up to remind himself of them.

“So, I was thinking we order pizza and watch a movie upstairs in my bedroom,” Jack suggested, throwing his keys on an empty wooden table. I was guessing it was his dining table, since the dining room was combined with the living room and kitchen as one large area that practically took up the whole first floor except for one small hallway.

“Sounds good,” I grinned. It had been ages since I had been able to have a lazy day. I was always the one chasing my brother around and caring for him, but now it was time for me to slow down and have fun for once.

“If you want to change into something more comfortable, you can take one of my shirts.”

“Yeah, I’d like that, thanks.”

Jack told me to follow him and we went upstairs to his room. There was a king size bed pushed against one wall with a TV against the wall opposite of it. A closet was placed adjacent to the wall with the bed. This room was a bit messier than the rest of the house, or at least of what I had seen. Jack opened his closet and took out a black T-shirt, giving it to me.

“You can change here, I’ll go order the pizza,” Jack instructed.

I quickly took off the T-shirt I was wearing and replaced it with the black one. It was way too large for me, well maybe not way too large, but I could probably wear it without pants. So that’s what I did. I took off my jeans and played with the hem of the shirt, not sure if I actually wanted to be so exposed around Jack. We had only really started getting to know each other and I didn't want him getting the wrong impression. But before I could change my mind, Jack walked in.

“I also took off my jeans, if you don’t mind,” I blushed.

“No, of course not, I don’t expect you to get comfortable with them on. I would offer you some jogging pants, but they would be way too large for you,” Jack replied.

He plopped down on his back onto the bed and grinned at me before grabbing me by the waist and pulling me down on top of him. I laughed while expressing my pain, making Jack burst out with laughter as well. I rolled off of him and occupied the left side of the bed.

“Well, since we barely know each other, how about we play 20 questions?” Jack suggested, “Then, when the pizza arrives, we’ll watch a movie.”

I grinned and nodded my head without thinking of the consequences, “You go first. Ask all your questions and I answer, then we switch.”

“Ok, so first question, I’ll start easy on you, but I will go crazy later on. What’s your favorite color?”

“Gray, because there are so many tones and it can change the feeling of a photograph with one click.”

“Favourite food?”

“Definitely pizza.”

“Ok, so I made a good choice ordering that then. Umm… Are you close to your family?”

“Yeah. I live with my brother, as you know, and I try to see my parents as often as I can. They’re pretty cool.”

“Best friend?”

“You.”

“I can live with that. Biggest fear?”

“Something bad happening to my brother. He used to be so energetic and lively, now he’s just lazy and can’t even properly care for himself. I’m afraid he will forget to eat or do other necessary things without me.”

Jack gave me a sympathetic smile, “Love or money?”

“Definitely money. I mean who cares about love,” I joked with large hand gestures before shaking my head at my lame behavior. “No. I really hate people who think everything’s about money. They’re just so pretentious and fake.”

“What would you change about your personality?”

“Well, often I’m quite shy. I know, for some reason I wasn’t like that around you. But it would be nice to be able to easily talk to strangers.” I told him before suddenly remembering something. “I actually used to have social anxiety.”

Maybe being around Jack would help me memorize more often. The last memories I had were around him. He could possibly be a lucky token that would guide me through my quest of the unknown.

“Oh, I guess I’m special then.” Jack smirked, his ego being boosted by my hidden compliments. “What about your looks? What would you change about them?”

“I don’t really worry about that. But I have a pretty large scar on my side.” I lifted the T-shirt, to show a scar that ran on my ride side from the bottom of my ribs to my hip. “I don’t know what it’s from, but I would like that to be gone.”

“Where do you like being touched the most?”

“Getting sexual here?” I giggled, not wanting to go that far just yet. “Probably my hair, cause it’s so innocent, yet so loving.”

“Good answer. What’s something you used to do as a child that you wish you could still do?”

“Umm, probably crawl in bed with my parents. It’s so relaxing and calming. Whenever I had nightmares, they would make them disappear.”

“Perfect wedding song?”

“With Me by Sum 41,” I answered without hesitation.

“If you would see me naked, where would your eyes wonder to?” Jack smirked with a knowing look in his eyes.

“Jack!” I hit his chest, “I would probably look away. If it were a guy I loved, though, just to give you a half-satisfying answer, it would be his eyes.”

“Nice to know you wouldn’t like to see me naked. I’ll keep that noted. Umm, what is your happiest memory from high school?”

Shit. There it was. But it was going so well! I couldn't just make up a story, and I was looking at him for too long. This was bad, real bad. I couldn't tell him, I hadn't known him for long enough. Fuck! I didn't know what to do.

“I don’t know?” I tried.

“Oh come on, there has to be something,” Jack poked.

“I don’t remember,” I blurted out.

“What? You don’t remember?”

“Fuck. I wasn’t supposed to say that!”

“Woah, calm down. What’s wrong?”

“Umm, nothing, it’s nothing.”

Jack moved closer to me, “It’s definitely something.”

“Yes, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes?”

“That doesn’t sound very sure. Since I’m your new best friend, I think I deserve to know.”

He was right, eventually I would have to tell him, that was if I was actually planning to stay friends with him. Maybe it was just a one-time thing, like a one night stand, but without hooking up. Ugh, who was I kidding? I was definitely going to be friends with him for much longer, and maybe not because I wanted to.

“Ok, I’ll tell you,” I sighed, “But, you promise not to think weirdly of me?”

“Of course I promise,” Jack took hold of one of my hands and looked into my eyes.

I looked down and took a breath before starting, “So, I’ll probably start with what I have been told. When I was 21 I got into a car crash. A drunk driver hit me. I don’t remember a thing about it, though. But, I was in a coma for a year after that. When I woke up I found out I lost all my memory from when I was 16 to when the car crash happened. So, now I remember things here and there. The last two memories actually came back when you were around: The All-Time-Low-and-my-brother thing, and just remembering I used to have social anxiety. But this whole thing is why I moved in with my brother. He took care of me before we switched roles.”

“Oh. I don’t really know what to say,” Jack breathed out.

“It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it? It’s actually the reason why I don’t really have friends. The ones I used to have gave up on me when I was in a coma, or when I couldn’t remember them. Making new friends also has been a problem because I can’t talk about past memories and how I had similar experiences. People just think I’m uninterested.”

“Well, I don’t think you're uninterested, and I definitely don’t think you're being rude. Believe it or not, I still want to be your new best friend.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You’re not going anywhere, I won’t let you.”

I grinned at him, and he gave me a cheesy smile back, causing his eyes to squint slightly. Just then the doorbell rang and Jack decided it was a good idea to scream ‘Pizza’ all the way to the front door. I stayed in the bedroom while he paid the guy. Was Jack really serious about wanting to be my friend or best friend? He seemed pretty excited when I joked about him being my best friend. I was never going to be able to get out of it.

Jack came back in the room and handed me my own pizza box. I raised my eyebrow at him and looked back at the box.

“There’s no way I can finish a whole pizza!” I laughed.

“Well, I can, so there’s no way I’m sharing a pizza with you.” Jack countered.

“Fine, but I should probably pay you back.”

“No, it’s my treat.”

“No, seriously I should pay.”

“Nope.”

“At least let me do something!”

“Send me the photo you took of me today so I can change my profile picture. Then we’re even.”

“Ok, fine," I sighed. Free pizza didn't sound all too bad, especially if he got a free photo in return.

Jack took out some movies and placed them in front of me, one by one. They all seemed ok, and I wouldn’t mind watching them. But then he got out Wall-e and I immediately chose it. It had been my favorite movie for ages, or for as long as I can remember (see what I did there? Aren’t I hilarious?). Jack laughed at my excitement and told me I looked like a child on Christmas morning. But, hey, was I really to blame? Christmas and Wall-e are the best things in the world.

We put on the movie and watched as we ate pizza. I almost finished it completely, but Jack had to eat my last two slices. How could he eat so much yet still be so thin! Jealousy levels were at their max right at that moment. The only reason I didn’t have to worry about gaining too much weight was because of dancing. If I didn’t do that, I probably would have been the fattest kid on the block.

The scene in which Wall-e just boarded just came up, and I could already feel myself starting to drift away. As much as I wanted to stay awake, I just couldn’t. My eyes started drooping, and before I knew it all I could see was black.

\----

I woke up slightly and felt something that was most likely a leg wrapped around my own legs. Not thinking much of it, I rolled over to fall back asleep. I snuggled onto a chest and a pair of arms wrapped around me. Wait a second. What? My eyes snapped open and I had no clue where I was. Was I having another episode in which I couldn’t remember anything for a few minutes? They used to happen very often, I would wake up in my room and be really confused, not knowing that I had moved in with my brother. It would be pretty scary, but after half an hour or so I would remember again.

But, no. I wasn’t having an episode. I actually remembered the day with Jack and going to his house. The person I was cuddling with was Jack.

“Holy shitting fuck!” I screamed out and shot up straight.

Jack jumped awake as well, “What’s going on?”

“I’m so sorry! I fell asleep in your bed, on top of you! I’m so so sorry.”

“It’s fine, I really don’t care. I also fell asleep,” He motioned towards the TV that had the menu screen playing on repeat.

I nodded, not wanting to get into this any further. This was really awkward, it didn’t have to get any worse by having a detailed conversation about it. I don’t know why I felt awkward and why I was stupid enough to fall asleep on him. And why did Jack wrap his arms around me? He was also asleep and probably also didn’t realize it was me. It was just a reflex. This was just all really messed up.

“Do you mind if I use your bathroom?” I asked.

“Yea, sure. It’s over there.” Jack pointed at a door in the room I hadn’t seen before. I guess I’m not the most observant person.

I thanked him and shuffled towards it, closing the door behind me. I did my business and looked at myself in the mirror. Normally my makeup would have given me panda eyes by now, but surprisingly I still looked civilized. Did I actually wear makeup that day? Yes, yes, I think I did. Let’s just say I sometimes forgot about things I did. My short term memory was sometimes affected, I couldn’t do anything about it.

I walked back into the bedroom, my eyes taking a while to get used to the light. Jack had turned off the TV and lights, and had thrown the pizza boxes away, but he was still awake. I stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. I couldn’t possibly go back into bed with him, but I also couldn’t just stay standing here.

“Umm, Jack?” I murmured.

“Yeah?” He replied sleepily.

“Where should I sleep?”

“Here.”

“Are you sure?”

He hummed in response and pulled back the duvet so I could go underneath it. I hesitantly lied down and Jack threw the duvet on me. He turned around a muttered a ‘goodnight’. Nothing awkward about that at all...

\----

Jack was already gone when I woke up. Luckily, we didn’t have any weird encounters in bed anymore. We each stayed on our sides, maybe occasionally accidentally throwing a hand against the other’s back or stomach, but other than that we did well. I stretched out and looked at the clock. Shit. It was already 10 o’clock, and I had to be at the dance studio at 11. There was no way I would make it if I didn’t leave right at this instant. I quickly put on my white jeans and shoes, throwing my own shirt over my arm.

I ran downstairs and heard Jack talking to somebody, I stayed behind a bit, listening in if it would be ok to interrupt.

“You know he’s gonna murder you for losing his USB stick,” a female voice threatened.

“I know! I misplaced it!” Jack defended.

I looked around and saw a gray and blue plastic USB stick with ALEX scribbled across it in sharpie, lying down on a table with a laptop on it. I grabbed it and decided it was ok for me to interrupt their conversation. As I walked in both Jack and the girl looked at me. She was quite small and had the most beautiful long brown hair. Her eyes were piercing blue and they moved from me to Jack, giving him a disapproving look.

I walked up to them and held my hand out. “Is this the USB stick you’re looking for? I found it on the table back there.”

“Umm, yeah, it is, thanks.” The girl took it out of my hand, hesitantly looking at me.

“Well, I really have to go, or I’ll be late for work,” I apologized, “So, umm bye. Thanks for last night.”

Jack mumbled a bye back and I walked out of the house. As I stood out on the street, I realized I had no idea where I was. How the fuck was I going to go to work now? I tried my phone, but all it gave me was the empty battery signal. All I could do was go back to Jack and ask him for some help.

I rang the doorbell and Jack opened it, the girl just behind him.

“I’m sorry. I just have no clue where I am and my phone died. So I was wondering if you could tell me where I am or either give me some directions.” My eyes trailing to the girl every once in awhile.

“How about I drive you? Lisa was about to leave anyway,” Jack suggested.

“Yeah, I would like that. Thanks.”

If I thought the incident in the bed was awkward, this was definitely a whole lot worse.


	4. My Weird and Amazing Family

Jack and I had hung out a couple of times after the awkward bed situation. To be honest, I didn't even think Jack really thought about it a lot, but I did, I definitely did. Why? I don’t know. It was probably that the situation was a situation that was a lot more embarrassing and cringeworthy for the person rather than the other people involved. Do you know what I mean? Like somebody would remind you of something embarrassing they did around you, but you couldn’t even remember, or you just didn’t care. Something like that? No? Still don’t get it? Oh well, I do, I guess that’s all that matters.

This time Jack decided it would be a good idea to go have some lunch at a diner downtown. Of course, I didn’t say no. It was food for god’s sake! I mean, who doesn’t like food? Well, there a definitely people that don’t really like food, or don’t like it at all, but that’s not my point. It was always fun with Jack, especially when there was food involved. This actually made me think about when he would be going on tour again. He had told me that he tours most of the year and sometimes gets breaks, but he’d been here pretty long. He was bound to go on tour soon, right?

I turned the corner to the diner and saw Jack waiting outside for me. He wasn’t paying attention and was only looking at his phone, so I ran up and jumped on him. He let out the highest-pitched scream I had ever heard and he flinched away from me. I giggled at his reaction and teased him about it. He pouted at me and grumbled about getting me back, before pinching both of my sides. I let out a squeal (not as high-pitched as Jack’s, though) and hit him a couple times on his chest.

“No stop! You’re going to make me bruise!” Jack whined.

“Should have thought about the before,” I chuckled, “Plus, I wasn’t hitting you hard.”

“Hitting on me hard?” Jack nudged

“Jack, stop wanting to hear things I didn’t even say!”

Jack frowned in a joking way. I noticed somebody coming towards us and I nudged him.

“If anybody is hitting on you, it’s her,” I pointed at the, what looked like, 16-year-old girl that was wearing a shirt with ALL TIME LOW printed on it in clear white letters.

Jack looked over and grinned at her. The girl took this as a sign for her to be allowed to come over. She looked really excited, and when I say really excited I mean eyes wide and slightly jumpy. I watched her talk to Jack about random things about the band and him. She then asked for a photo.

“Would you like me to take it?” I asked.

She nodded and handed me her phone. I took a couple of pictures of them standing normally and smiling.

“Come on guys,” I exclaimed, “At least make a funny face!”

\----

After taking a couple of pictures for the girl and having to explain that we were, in fact, not dating, we finally entered the diner. It looked like your classical old school diner: checkered black and white tiles, blue circular bar stools that were evenly spaced along along a bar that had a rim of the same tiles on the floor, and, of course, the red booths with white tables placed so everybody seated at the table could look outside. The place was oddly familiar, but I couldn’t quite wrap my finger around what it made it that way.

Jack and I slid into a booth so we were sitting opposite each other and made small talk. All was going well until a waitress walked up to us. She had bleach blonde hair that looked fried and coarse, way too many layers of makeup (especially lipstick, the red on her lips looked unnatural, but then again everything about her was fake), and was wearing a uniform that was obviously too small for her. Her boobs were spilling out of the dress and her butt nearly stuck out from the bottom, the 5-inch red heels not helping much either. As she neared I saw she was chewing gum, just like she always did.

“Shit,” I mumbled and tried hiding my face in my arms that were crossed on the table, but I was too late. She had recognized me, and what made it even worse was that she was going to be serving us.

She kept on disgustingly chewing her gum and twirled her hair around a finger after handing us the menus. “Ugh, it’s you again. How’s your brother doing?”

“Umm, he’s fine actually--”

“He’s still upset about our break up? Awww, well tell him I don’t ever want to get back together. I’m so much better off without him.”

“I never said--”

“Well, I’ll come back when you made your choice or some shit.” She went to leave, but suddenly saw Jack as if he wasn’t sitting there before, “Is this your boyfriend or something? I never thought you would be able to find someone, let alone someone like that.”

Before either Jack or I could correct her, she turned away back towards the bar, making sure to sway her hips in the process. I groaned and slammed my head against the table. People turned to look at what caused the loud slamming noise, but looked away when they saw it was just somebody nearly getting a concussion.

“Ok, so…” Jack whistled.

“That’s Brandylynn, she used to be my brother’s girlfriend, if you can’t tell. They dated for 5 months for some apparent reason. She broke up with him 2 months after I moved in with him. I guess she always hoped I would just stay for a couple of days. She’s always been a bitch. Like who the fuck is actually called Brandylynn!” I ranted with elaborate hand gestures.

“Well… she is. But she is definitely a bitch. Didn’t you know she worked here?”

“Of course I knew, but I forgot.”

“Memory thing?”

“No, the she’s-a-bitch-and-I-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-her-so-I-don’t-remember thing.”

“Ahh, that makes sense. We better choose what we want though, she coming back. Don’t want to anger the wicked witch of the west.”

I laughed and quickly looked through and decided, just before she stopped in front of our table.

“Ok, so expect to you have chosen, otherwise you better hurry up, I’m not coming back,” she said lazily through the chewing of her gum.

“I’ll just have spaghetti with meatballs,” Jack stated.

“And I’ll have the cheeseburger,” I smiled.

She looked me up at down through her eyelashes, “Are you sure you don’t want a salad? I would suggest it.”

“No, I’m fine with the cheeseburger, thanks.”

She ignored me and turned to Jack instead. “You know she has problems, right? She should probably be in a mental institute.”

Jack raised his eyebrows.

“You don’t know?” Brandylynn squealed with excitement. “She can’t remember shit about anything, but there’s probably other stuff wrong with her too.”

“Ooh, I know about that,” Jack said nonchalantly.

“Ugh, whatever." She snatched the menus away from us and put them back on the pile before walking to the kitchen.

Brandylynn spent the remainder of the lunch trying to bring me down and make Jack think badly of me. I guessed she just wanted him for herself, and I was right because Jack ended up getting a phone number on a piece of paper, which he ripped up as soon as we stepped out of the diner. Jack and I made fun of Brandylynn, which wasn’t that difficult to do.

We were walking to Jack’s car when we realized something.

“So, what do you want to do now?” Jack asked.

“Well, I still have to pick something up from my parents’ house, you can join me if you want. Afterward, we can go to mine and Cam’s apartment, which is more mine because I pay the bills and shit,” I suggested.

Jack agreed, and we both stepped into the car, Jack driving and me giving directions. Once again the houses started getting larger and larger and gardens were generously surrounding these houses, but we weren't at my parents’ house just yet.

“The gate should probably be open, they rarely close them this early,” I thought out loud.

“Gate?” Jack inquired.

“Yeah… Just a left here and then a right. It should be the second house on the right.”

Jack nodded and followed my instructions. Just like I had guessed, the gate was still open, and I motioned for Jack to drive up the driveway. He looked at it with wide eyes, passing through the gate and driving around the fountain surrounded by carefully cut shrubs and pink roses that were placed in front of the house.

“Holy shit!” Jack exclaimed.

“What?” I asked.

“Holy shit!” He gaped at the gray-stone two-story mansion that surrounded the fountain, symmetrical on either side. There was more grass, flowers, and shrubs that were taken care of daily, but there were no other cars.

“Is somebody home?” Jack pondered.

“Probably, the cars are most likely in the garage,” I pointed at a small building to the right of us.

“Ok, yeah, sure. Just have a separate building for your cars, and may I repeat cars, not just a car.”

“Shut up.” I playfully shoved him and got out of the car.

Jack quickly joined me as I rang the doorbell. An older woman with similar dark brown hair as mine opened the door. She was wearing an army green shirt and cream pants that got wider at the end. I reciprocated the wide grin she was giving me.

“Ireland!” She squealed and wrapped me in a hug.

I hugged her back and entered the entrance hall that had a double staircase leading to the 2nd floor. The walls were painted a color between cream and something a bit greenish, with an oak wood floor to match.

“Marcus! Come over here!” My mom yelled out, not knowing where exactly my dad was in the large house.

My dad, who was just wearing sweatpants and a blue t-shirt, came from around the corner. I ran up to him screaming ‘daddy’ and almost knocked him over. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me. I hadn’t seen him in such a long time, the last couple of time I visited my parents, my dad had not been home, so this was a rare occurrence.

“Be careful there, I’m no longer as young as I used to be,” He joked.

“You’re only 53, that’s not that old. Jack, here, is almost as old as you are,” I said remembering Jack was awkwardly standing in the large hall, watching me interact with my family.

“Hey, I’m only 27!” Jack argued.

“Well, let me introduce you guys. Jack, these are my parents, Marcus and Evelyn. Mom and Dad, this is Jack. He’s a random guy I found on the street, nothing much really.”

“Well, now I know what you think of me. I guess you won’t mind me leaving, then.”

“No,” I whined, “You have to drive me home!”

“Do I though?” Jack copied my tone.

“Yes you do, ‘cause I have double chocolate fudge brownie ice cream in the fridge that wants to be eaten.”

“You’re making this difficult, Ireland.”

“No, I’m not. But anyway, this is my friend Jack,” I looked over to my parents, “And I mean friend, don’t get any ideas. And we are going to go up to my room because I want to get something from it, I want to ask you guys something.” I dragged Jack up the stairs with me.

“Ok, use protection!” My dad called out after us.

“That’s what I mean with ‘don’t get any ideas’!” I yelled back.

I guided Jack through the corridors and opened the door to my room. There was quite a lot of space, but it was nowhere near the biggest bedroom in this house. I had actually asked for a smaller room because the open space apparently scared me. Spotlights were built into the ceiling and there were shelves hanging on blue bits of wall which were carved into the white wall. It was nothing special. I walked up to one of the shelves and took out two photoalbums. Jack looked at me with a questioning gaze.

“They contain photos of my childhood, but the photos of events I can’t remember are taken out. I just wanted to look through them and laugh at my terrible fashion choices,” I explained, opening one of them to the first page and smiling at the photo of my brother and me as babies covered in ink due to him having found felt-tip pens.

“Ok, but only if I can laugh with you,” Jack chuckled.

I gave Jack a mini tour of the house, including my brother’s room. Jack remarked that Cameron’s room was so far away from mine, but that I was able to hear the music he played. I simply replied by suggesting how loud the music was. I was actually surprised that Jack had remembered that detail. We had only known each other for a couple of hours, how could he even remotely remember something like that?

As I was explaining something about how the house was built, I noticed Jack staring at me like he was doing in the coffee shop when I was reading out my bullshit article. I had to snap my fingers in front of his face again, to shake him out of his trance.

After I had finished I went into the living room, where my parents were sitting. I told them what I was looking for, which made them smile. But there was still a burning question, which I was dying to ask.

“Do you guys know how I got this scar?” I finally asked. “Don’t actually tell me how, doctors orders and stuff, but just say yes or no.”

My mom’s expression changed to a frown. “You never told us whenever we asked you. You either froze up, changed the subject, or simply walked out of the room. All I can tell you is that it was pretty recent before the accident.”

Weird. What would make me act like that? It certainly couldn’t have been that bad, right?


	5. The Clock That's Ticking

After talking to my parents and catching up for a bit longer, Jack had driven me home. He was going to stay for a bit and hang up with me and Cameron, but it was already quite late, so we determined that he was going to stay the night instead of going home straight away. It was the first time he was actually going to sleep over. Sure, he had come to the apartment a couple of times, but he always left before it got too late. Whenever I went to his place there was more chance that I would stay than not. But our friendship had grown so much over the last couple of weeks. It was really like we had been best friends for ages.

We were now sitting on the couch and Cameron was in a recliner. There was a movie playing that Cam had chosen and I honestly did not know what was happening. I just enjoyed sharing a tub full of ice cream with my best friend while watching a movie, which basically had no plot whatsoever. It would probably be a lot more enjoyable if I was wearing some pajamas though…

“Hey, I’m going to put on my pajamas. Cam, can you find something for Jack?” I announced.

Cameron nodded and paused the movie before getting up from his half-sitting half-lying-down position.

“Oh my god. He actually got up from the chair!” I gasped jokingly.

Cameron shoved me towards my room, “Shut up. Jack, come with me.”

I disappeared into my room and looked around. My desk was pushed against the wall next to the door and the wooden closet was adjacent to it. I had placed a large clock above my desk, and when I mean a large clock, I mean gigantic. It was just a bit smaller than a third of my door. The clock was simple. A metal frame and metal roman numerals, nothing in between them. You could basically stick your hand through it. However with such beauty and size, it did make a very loud noise, but I didn’t mind. My queen sized mattress was pushed against the large window, so I could always look outside. And yes, I know I said mattress, I didn’t have a bed, but I liked it this way. Two pillows and a duvet that was too large were messily placed on it.

I walked to my closet and looked at its contents. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair before taking out what I wanted to wear. The black blink-182 shirt and red flannel pants seemed fine to me. I quickly changed into them and put my hair into a messy bun. It didn’t matter what I looked like, it was only Jack and Cameron, they didn’t care… I hope… ‘cause I definitely didn’t. I was about to walk out of my room, when I turned back around and quickly grabbed my glasses off of my desk.

Cameron had given Jack something to wear, but I didn’t expect he would have chosen what he did. Jack was wearing the same exact thing I was wearing. I laughed, causing Jack to look up at me. He looked me up and down before laughing along.

“Our twin telepathy is going crazy again,” Cameron chuckled.

“Well, I think Jack and I look more like twins that you and I do right now,” I commented.

“I need to take a photo of this!” Jack exclaimed and took out his phone.

“Ok,” I agreed, “but don’t put my face in it.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I know you will want to post it to twitter and I don’t need any rumors starting.”

“Rumors?” Cameron leaned forward.

“Yeah, some girl came up to us and thought we were a couple,” I explained.

“That was one person,” Jack argued.

“You honestly don’t think all your fans will think it?”

“Well, technically not all…”

I glared at him.

“Fine, but only because I want to take the photo,” Jack groaned.

I grinned and took the phone out of his hands, giving it to Cameron so he could take the picture. Jack stood beside me and wrapped his arm around my waist. He pulled me closer, so there was literally no space between us. If he wasn’t my best friend I would have definitely been uncomfortable. Cameron took the photo and gave it back to Jack before turning back to look at the TV screen.

“This is awesome.” Jack plopped down onto the couch and I followed him. “Do you have twitter?”

“Umm, yeah…” I answered.

“Can I tag you in this?”

“You can follow me, but don’t tag me, I don’t need tons of people looking at my twitter. Besides, it defies the purpose of not having my face in it.”

“True.”

After posting the picture and Jack looking me up and complaining how I barely posted anything, we decided to ‘watch’ the movie again, but that didn’t last long. I was desperately trying to focus on the movie, but I kept seeing Jack staring at me from the corner of my eye. Was there something on my face? Or did I just look funny, it was the second time he did it today.

I turned to look at him, “What?”

“Nothing,” Jack replied with a grin. “I didn’t know you had glasses.”

“Well, now you know I do. I can see fine without them, they just help me see when I’m tired or when it’s dark. And I’m both tired, and it’s pretty dark in here.”

“We can go to bed, I don’t get this movie anyway.”

“I thought I was the only one!”

Cameron loudly shushed us and paid attention to the movie again. He was really into it and I really didn’t get why. I couldn’t even figure out who the main character was, let alone what it was actually about.

I grabbed Jack’s hand and stood up. “Come on.”

His hand stayed in mine as he followed me to my bedroom. I opened the door and turned on the lights. Jack looked around before realizing we were still holding hands. He mumbled something I couldn’t understand and fell backward onto the mattress.

“I really like your bed.” He grinned.

“Yeah, it’s very non-existent. Just the way I like it.” I smiled back.

“So… where are you going to sleep?”

“Right on top of you,” I said as I jumped on top of him, making us both burst into laughter after Jack groaned slightly.

I got off of him and pushed him to the side so I could lie down next to the window. The bed was nice and warm as I got underneath the covers. Jack copied me and turned so we both looking at each other, or faces not too far apart. We were staring at each other until I realized I was still wearing my glasses. I snorted, trying to keep in a laugh, and put them on the floor beside me.

“Oh, wait. Do you want a bottle of water?” I said out of nowhere.

“A bottle of water?” Jack looked very confused.

“I like having a bottle of water in case I get thirsty during the night. I don’t like getting out of bed for something like that. You might think I’m weird, but it’s normal to me.”

“I’m not judging,” Jack laughed, “But I’m fine, thanks.”

“Whatever suits you.”

I walked to the kitchen and got a liter water bottle out of the fridge. When I made my way back I passed Cameron who was still watching the movie. I said goodnight, but he didn’t seem to notice me. Of course, he wouldn’t, he’s Cameron for god’s sake!

Jack watched me as I climbed back into bed. I put the cold water bottle next to my glasses, hoping I wouldn’t break them later on.

“That’s a large bottle,” Jack commented.

“You said you weren’t judging me,” I retorted.

“I’m not.”

“It sounded like you were,” I joked.

“Too bad then.”

I stuck my tongue out at him and stared at the ceiling. Jack did the same and silence consumed us. I could hear the delicate ticking of the metal clock, slowly lulling me to sleep. The only other sound in the room was mine and Jack’s cautious breathing. It was nice, I liked it this way. Nothing interrupting the calmness inside of me.

“Isn’t that clock annoying you?” Jack disrupted the deafening silence.

“No,” I whispered, “it’s constant and it will never stop. It’s like the complete opposite of life. Life is never constant, you have good moments and bad moments, and eventually we will die.”

“That’s a bit morbid.”

“Not really. To be honest, I’m not afraid to die, I’ve accepted it a long time ago, way before I nearly died. People always want to live longer, but I wouldn’t want to. Those extra years will only be added to the part of life in which you’re old and can’t do anything. I’d rather live my life now.”

“Hmm… Then how come you haven’t ever traveled?”

“Not everybody gets to opportunity to travel the world, Jack.”

“That’s not what I meant. Not to be rude or anything, but your parents obviously have enough money for your whole family to go on vacation.”

“My dad was rarely home, so what’s a family vacation without him?”

“Oh… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it that way.” Jack apologized.

“I know you didn’t. Plus, I’ve probably been on a vacation before, but just don’t remember it.” I turned around so I could look past the curtains and outside.

“I’m sorry…”

“Why are you saying that?”

“You seem upset.”

“I’m not, I’m just tired. I don’t get upset that fast.”

“It just seemed like I went somewhere where you didn’t want me to go.”

“You didn’t. Stop worrying about it. I’m just tired and want to get some sleep.”

“Ok,” Jack murmured and turned so his chest was touching my back. He wrapped one of his arms loosely around my waist, “Is this ok?”

I nodded and snuggled into him, “Yeah, I’m a bit cold anyway. Just please don’t get a boner, or I’m afraid you will have to sleep on the other side of the room on the cold floor.”

I felt Jack’s chest rumble with laughter, “I won’t. Goodnight Isle.”

“Isle?”

“It sounds more like Ireland than Field does.”

“Hmm… I guess it does. Goodnight Jack.”

I fell asleep shortly after that in Jack’s embrace. It wasn’t awkward because I knew it was just a friendly gesture. Jack was my best friend, who would I be to turn down something like this? Plus, our friendship might have just gotten stronger.


	6. Screaming and Drinking

Christmas. My favorite time of the year. Dad was home, mom was cooking dinner, family came over, and it was pleasant. This was my first Christmas since the accident, the last one I remembered was when I was still 15. Moments like this really made me hate the fact that I couldn’t remember shit. But then again, if it was always this boring before we got to give presents and have dinner, I actually didn’t mind forgetting. I was listening to a conversation my dad was having with some of my uncles. Well, I wouldn't really call it listening if I almost fell asleep every 2 minutes. My cousins were either a lot older than my brother and me, or a lot younger, so there was nothing I could do with any of my family members. My brother and I were always the odd ones out, not fitting in any of the age groups.

I was shaken awake by my phone buzzing in my pocket. Thank god, I finally had an excuse to step out of the room. I took my phone out when I was alone in the hallway, and I saw it was Jack. For some reason I found myself sighing in relief and answering with a smile.

“Hello,” I raised the tone in my voice at the end.

“This gift is amazing! Thank you so much!” Jack thanked.

I chuckled. “Well, I tried.”

“Everybody here is looking at me weird. They think I got this gift for myself and that I’m speaking into a phone that isn’t even on.”

“They don’t think I’m real?”

“Nope, but this ‘Jack Barakat Survival Kit’ really is awesome. Thank’s for the Jack, don’t worry I won’t drink it without you, like it says in sharpie. I also really like the bra that you claim is not yours. I don’t really get why you got me a rubber chicken, but they’re always fun to annoy people with.”

There was another male voice that I could hear, “Jack, stop talking to your imaginary girl. She isn’t real, get over it.”

“You could put me on loudspeaker if you want…” I suggested.

“Yeah, I will in a second. Did you get anything awesome?” Jack replied.

“No, we haven’t opened our gifts yet, but we will in--”

“Field! We have been calling you for ages! Dinner’s ready!” Cameron interrupted.

“I’ll come in a second,” I said holding my hand up for him to wait.

“We’re not going to wait on you anymore.”

“Ugh, fine,” I turned back to my phone, “I’m sorry Jack, but I have to go, I’ll see you in a couple days.”

“That’s ok, Isle. Have a merry Christmas.” Jack shrugged off.

“Merry Christmas Jack,” I smiled and hung up my phone.

Cameron pulled me along to the dinner table and my family members chorused something along the lines of ‘there she is’. I giggled at all the annoyed and relieved faces. My family could get really hungry, and if there was food on the table but they weren’t allowed to eat yet, they could get quite bothered.

“Sorry,” I apologized, “I was calling one of my friends.”

“Oh, which one?” My mom asked delightedly.

“Jack.”

“Isn’t that the guy who came over some time ago?” My dad asked as he grabbed the spoon in the large bowl of vegetables.

“Yep, that’s Jack.”

“Is he your boyfriend?” My aunt, Doreen, gushed. She always wanted to know about my relationships or potential relationships, all I knew was that I always had to disappoint her. I actually started thinking that I would never have a boyfriend, but I didn’t care.

“No, I’m sorry,” I chortled.

“Aww, what a shame.”

The rest of dinner I spent stuffing my mouth with food. Unfortunately, I didn’t get anything alcoholic to drink because I was the designated driver between my brother and I. Cam never allowed me to drive his car, except in situations like this. All I wanted was some alcohol. My aunt kept giving me relationship advice, even though I had no use for it, and my younger cousins were getting louder and louder. Cam noticed that this was too much for me and was probably going to give me a headache, so he suggested going home after ‘present time’, as the young kids called it. Of course, I had also gotten some gifts. Somehow all my gifts were coordinated: a new coral duffle bag, jogger pants and a sweater, and a new pair of shoes. Everything to be used for dancing. However, my brother broke the pattern and gave me a phone case with a ‘caticorn’ on it. I must admit that it was the funniest thing I had seen in awhile, which was pretty pathetic.

\----

When we got home I was pretty pissed off. Cam had promised there would be something for me to drink. But there was nothing as I rummaged through the kitchen cabinets. Great, it was Christmas and I wasn’t going to get drunk, or at least a little bit buzzed. I was about to give up when there was a knock at the front door.

“Who’s ready to finish this bottle!” Jack screamed as I opened the door.

“I totally am,” I took the bottle from him and made my way to the kitchen, “you came just at the right time… even though I didn’t even invite you and have no clue why you’re here.”

“My senses were tingling.”

“Are you sure those were your senses and not your dick?”

“Hey!” Jack interjected. “I’m the one who makes the dick jokes here!”

“Too bad, I’ve been around you for too long.” I opened one of the cupboards and pushed away the shot glasses to take out two larger glasses. If we were going to finish this bottle, there was no way it would happen with shots.

Jack laughed at my choice of glasses and followed me to the living room where Cam was seated. He saw what we had and his eyes widened. I knew exactly what he was going to ask.

“No,” I warned, “you had enough at the party. You’re too drunk already. Go to bed.”

“I’m not as think as you drunk I am,” Cam slurred before stumbling to his bedroom, only to pass out after he barely closed the door.

I laughed and put the glasses and bottle on the coffee table. Jack immediately made himself comfortable on the couch, and I jumped on next to him. I actually hadn’t gotten drunk with Jack before, nor had I ever had a drink around him, so this was going to definitely be a new experience. He probably thought I was a lightweight, but I was nowhere near it. I guess I used to drink a lot in the 5 years I didn’t remember, despite me thinking of myself as quite a calm person.

There was a loud thump from Cam’s room.

“Is he ok?” Jack worried.

“Yeah, there’s a large chance that he fell off whatever he passed out on before,” I laughed. “It’s funny because he made the most cliche mistake in his last sentence.”

“What?”

“Seriously? You didn’t hear it? He mixed up the drunk and think in ‘I’m not as drunk as you think I am’.”

“Really? I didn’t realize… Weird.”

“Yes, very weird, but you are weird in general,” I leaned forward so I could open the bottle of Jack Daniels and pour it into the glasses. I made sure to start off with not too much, just about half an inch. Jack took one of the glasses out of my hands and watched me as I downed mine in no time.

“Somebody’s eager,” he chuckled, “what went so horribly wrong that makes you drink like that?”

I looked at him with a flabbergasted expression, “Drink like what? I always drink like this. But if you want to know, Christmas is a lot more boring than I remember it.”

“Well, that’s probably because the last Christmas you remember was when you were 15, 16? And, you know, you’re going to get drunk pretty fast if you continue drinking like that.”

“Meh, I’ll see, and isn’t it our goal to finish the whole bottle?”

“This is why I like you so much,” Jack smirked at me, “Now, tell me why your Christmas was so boring.”

“I just don’t care about sales and stock markets, but I also don’t care about a new My Little Pony toy, nor do I care about how extremely ‘hot’ Justin Bieber is and how 12-year-olds want to have his babies.”

“Sounds like an adventure.”

“My whole life is an adventure.” I filled my glass again, clinked it against Jack’s, and we both gulped it down.

Over time the small amounts started getting bigger and bigger. Before I knew it my glass was a quarter full and I was already feeling pretty drunk. I looked at Jack and saw him looking at me with a stupid grin. He was also drunk as fuck. For some apparent reason I started laughing at Jack’s nose. It could have been that his nose just suddenly looked weird, but it was probably the alcohol taking over my whole system. No matter what, I still was determined to have that bottle emptied completely.

“You know,” Jack garbled, “you are so so pretty… so pretty… so… pretty.”

I tried shaking head, but failed miserably. “Nooooo… you’re the pretty princess here.” I sloppily put both of my hands on his cheeks and squeezed them together, making him do a fish face.

He took hold of my hands, and removed them from his face. “Thank you, I really appreciate that. Since I was a little boy, I’ve always wanted to be a pretty pretty princess.”

“Good, now give me more.” I held out my glass, begging him to fill it up. Somehow he managed to pour it in without spilling it all over the floor. If I were sober I would probably have been impressed.

“I would totally fuck you if you were some random girl and not my best friend,” He put his face into my breasts. I pushed his head away, so it was on my lap instead. “But I’m not going to, because you’re my best friend.” He repeated himself.

“Good, because I don’t want you to fuck me.”

“That’s very insulting,” Jack slurred.

That was the last I could remember. Stuff must have happened afterward, though. The bottle was empty and we were both asleep on the couch when Cameron came in loudly and woke us up. I groaned and moved out of my uncomfortable position that consisted of me laying half on the couch, half on Jack. As I sat up I felt a pain shot through my head, making me feel dizzy instantly. Of course I would have a hangover, this was to be expected. Jack shuffled around so he was also sitting up, but he seemed a lot more ok than I was. Another stabbing pain made it’s way to my head and quickly intensified. I groaned again, but this time in pain.

“Ouch, hungover badly?” Jack sympathized.

No. This wasn’t an ordinary hangover. The headaches I usually got weren’t this bad. This was a whole lot worse. Never have I ever had a headache like this during a hangover. The pain sharpened and spread further. I could feel the way it slowly moved to either side of my head and my forehead. Suddenly it felt like I had been shot, blood pooling out of my head. I screamed out in pain and doubled over, hiding my head between my knees as if it would make the cramping stop. There was a voice beside me and I felt something stick into my left arm. The aching subsided slightly, but was still there, trying to eat out my brain. My screams turned into sobs and I felt someone make me rest my head in their lap as they stroked my hair.

I could hear Jack whisper as the pain continued to decrease, “shh, it’s ok.”

I held back my sobs and tried to control my breathing. Crying would only make it worse, that’s what my doctor told me. At first, it would be relieving, but after a while it would only use up the fluids in my body, giving me a normal headache on top of the weird headaches I used to get a lot after I was released from the hospital. I dared to open my eyes and saw Cameron crouching in front of me.

He grinned at me. “I haven’t had to give you a shot in ages.”

It was true, the last time he had to give me one was when his band was still together. Something must have triggered it. It wasn’t the alcohol, I had had more than this before. Maybe I had just been stressed a lot lately. This definitely was the worst Christmas ever.

“How are you?” Cam asked me.

“I just want to sleep,” I mumbled, closing my eyes once again. I managed to keep them open to see Cameron nod at Jack. After that I felt myself being carried away. I had no clue where I was going, but I assumed I was being brought to my bedroom. The person who was carrying me put me down on the bed and put the covers on me. Their presence started to leave, and I promptly felt lonely.

“Please stay,” I whispered not caring whether it was Jack or my brother in the room, “I’m scared.”

Footsteps made their way back to me and the body got under the covers, bringing heat along with them. An arm wrapped around me and I could feel slow breathing against my neck. I felt secure and comforted, just like when I used to climb into bed with my parents when I was a kid.

“I’m staying, I’ll protect you,” Jack muttered and moved some stray hair out of my face.

He was able to bring back that feeling that I missed so much from when I was a child.


	7. Pretty Little Princess

"So what are your plans for the future?”

“Umm… find Cam a job and find myself a better one so I can move out. Probably get a cat, because why the fuck not. I don’t think I’ll ever get married, or a boyfriend for that matter. I just don’t really do relationships. If I do though, I don’t think I’ll ever want to have kids. So basically my plan is to be an old cat lady who had a happy life.”

“Hmm… sounds pretty basic to me. What about your life goals and dreams? Don’t you ever want to travel the world or something?”

“Maybe,” I shrugged, “What about you?”

“Well, just hope that All Time Low keeps doing as well as it’s doing now, and continue traveling the world. Maybe one day I’ll find a girl who I could spend my life with, but that day isn’t anytime soon. Just like you, I also don’t do relationships. I would never get a cat though, I hate cats.”

“Sucks to be you. So… do you want to do this or not?”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s now or never.”

Jack and I were both sitting Indian style on my mattress. I was in front of the pillows and Jack was at the end. I looked at the brushes, tubes with different contents, and pallets. I had taken out all the makeup I had ever owned and put it all on my bed. Jack thought it would be funny to turn him into the ‘pretty princess’ he was and livestream him. You might ask why he thought it would be funny. Well. he tweeted something about it and fans went crazy. So, naturally, I decided to help him.

“Don’t film me though, ok?” I asked. I still didn’t want his fans starting rumors about us dating, because it obviously wasn’t true. We both didn’t do relationships and we both didn’t like each other that way. I was just glad I had such a good friend.

“I won’t.” He grinned at me and shook his head while he took his phone out.

I watched as he opened the periscope app and started a livestream. Immediately people started watching and their names showed up on the screen. The numbers went up exponentially and I was flabbergasted. I never knew so many people wanted to watch Jack do shit.

“This is always so awkward,” He laughed, “I talk to a screen and tons of people are watching, but nobody can reply.”

“Don’t worry Jacky, I’ll talk to you,” I said in a playful voice and patted his head.

He gave me a silly smile and look back at his phone. “Ok, so she’s going to turn me into a beautiful princess. And you guys are going to watch, because why the fuck not.”

I laughed, sparking a headache once again. It had been a couple days since I had my breakdown, but I still got frequent headaches. They weren’t as bad and painkillers got rid of them easily, but Cameron and Jack were still worried about me. I squinted my eyes and reached one of my hands to my forehead.

Jack immediately noticed. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine” I brushed it off, “I’m just going to get something else we need. You won’t be complete without it.”

Jack nodded but eyed me suspiciously. He turned his phone so I could walk out of the room without being fully in view, the only thing you could see were my legs. I quickly grabbed a glass of water and a painkiller before running to the cupboard we had in one of the hallways. There was a big box of stuff I still had from when I was a kid. I opened it and rummaged through the many plastic and paper artifacts before finding a tiara. I took it out and went back to my room, hoping I wasn’t gone for too long.

“I don’t even know what all this shit is,” Jack was filming all the makeup and picked up a tube of foundation. I laughed and walked up to him before sitting down.

“I never really wear makeup except for mascara, eyeliner, and sometimes I do my eyebrows. So don’t sue me if I make you look terrible. I do not do makeup,” I warned.

“Ok, now I’m scared.”

“You probably should be.”

I thought of what I wanted Jack to look like and explained what some of the products were. Most of them were barely used, but that was probably because I only wore full makeup on special occasions, very special occasions. I just didn’t like the feeling of all the cosmetic stuff on my face.

“So, I’m going to start with the foundation. I hope you have a similar skin tone to me, or you’ll either look very pale or very tan,” I poured some of the foundation onto the back of my hand and went to put it on Jack’s face. I had only touched his face once when he flinched away.

“It’s cold!” He exclaimed and turned his face so I couldn’t do anything.

“Jack, stop looking away!” I grabbed his face so he was looking at me again, but in the process I managed to get foundation on the shirt I was wearing.

Jack looked at me with wide eyes and his mouth formed an o-shape. I looked at him with the same expression and we both burst out laughing.

“That shirt is so ruined now!” Jack laughed.

“I know, Cameron is going to kill me,” I said between giggles, “this is his shirt, not mine. Shit!”

I quickly put on all the foundation on Jack’s skin before he turned his head again. I swear, that boy couldn't sit still. Before I blended everything together I also put on some concealer underneath his eyes and on the bridge of his nose. Surprisingly we had a similar skintone, but his stubble was quite a problem, but I managed to work with it.

“Make a fishy face,” I instructed while doing it myself. He did it, but not good enough. I told him to suck harder, immediately sparking off something in mind.

“Oh my god Jack, harder! Harder Jack, harder!” I tried moaning out. I had never seen Jack’s eyes go as wide as they did then, so I decided to continue, “Yes! Like that, Jack. Oh my god, yes!”

Right at that moment Cameron walked by and stopped at my door, giving me a weird look, “I do not want to know what is happening in here. Next time you decide to orgasm, please close the door.” With that, he left without allowing me to explain anything, but then again there really was nothing that would make it sound any better.

“Guys are really going to have to watch out with you. I feel sorry for the next guy you’ll date.” Jack shook his head, not believing what I had just done.

I chuckled and told him to make the face again. Weirdly enough the contouring I did with the bronzer didn’t look bad and he actually started to look good. I’m pretty sure a lot of girls would be jealous of how he pulled off this makeup. Next I did the eyes, which took a lot longer than expected. Jack would freak out whenever I came near to his eyes, even though I hadn’t touched anything. He even claimed that I had poked him in the eye a couple times, but I was pretty sure I never did. I ended up giving him light brown eyeshadow and some winged eyeliner. I didn’t bother with his eyebrows and gave up of mascara, I would have ended up with bruises if I didn’t.

“So, you get to choose which lipstick you want to wear. I have a lot of different ones for some reason, which is weird because I don’t wear them that often.” I showed him the 13 different colors I had.

He chose a bright pink one, of course. Personally, I thought it was the worst color ever and didn't know why I even had it in my collection. I chose a matching lip liner and applied that first. With a brush I then put on the lipstick and blended it in with the lip liner, giving it extra dimension. I was quite impressed by my skills, I couldn’t even remember the last time I had put on this much makeup on either another person or myself. The finishing touch was the tiara. I made sure to make Jack promise he wouldn’t break it. The tiara was from when I was six years old, it was my favorite object at that age and I had many good memories of it. I had to cherish everything I could.

“I don’t understand,” Jack looked away from his reflection, “you say you don’t wear makeup, yet you are still able to do this to my face. How is that even possible?”

“Highschool years, I guess.” I shrugged. I must have learned how to do it then because I had no memory of learning how to do it after I woke up from the coma. This was probably one of those subconscious things.

“Hmm… Wait a second… I just realized I’m going to have to take all of this off. Shit!” With that, he ended the livestream. I laughed at his remark and assured him that it was, in fact, going to take him and hour minimum to get off.

“But, seriously, Isle. This really is amazing. I want to see you wear makeup once.” Jack looked at the mirror again.

We both walked out of my room and to the front door, passing Cameron in the living room on our way. Jack had to leave because he had band practice the next day. Tour was starting in a couple of weeks and I was surely going to miss him, but we promised we were going to call each other at least once a week to catch up and inform each other on stuff going on in our lives.

“Thanks, I’m pretty sure you’ll see me all dressed up once in your lifetime, that is if you stick around for a bit longer.” I smiled at him and opened the front door.

“I promise I will.” He kissed my cheek and wiped away the lipstick stain before waving goodbye and leaving.

I went to the living room, where Cameron was waiting for me, eyeing me suspiciously. I stared back at him, just like the many times I had done with Jack, knowing it would make him uncomfortable in no time. But this time he didn’t, he kept glaring at me as if he was in deep thought.

“What?” I challenged him.

“Nothing.” He snapped out of his trance.

“You never stare at me like that. What did I do?”

“Nothing, it’s just… Are you and Jack like….”

“Together? A couple? Seeing each other?” I finished his sentence for him.

“Umm, yeah.”

“Nope, why do I have to keep saying I don’t do relationships. There isn’t anybody out there for me, so why would I waste my time on that? I just don’t do relationships.”

“You weren’t always like that,” Cameron mumbled and left me alone in the living room.

He always left me at random times. He never did anything except when I wanted him to do something. Now I wanted him to be the lazy person he was and stay here with me, but he actually went to his bedroom. What the--

Wait. What did he say again? I wasn’t always like that? What…?


	8. Saying Our Goodbyes

“Hey, Cam, I’m going to bring Jack to the airport so he doesn’t have to worry about his car!” I shouted through the house. Cameron was probably still sleeping, even though it was already 11 am. But now I could at least say I told him that I would be gone, so technically he could get mad at me for ‘disappearing’.

I took the car keys from the drawer Cam always kept them in. This was again a thing he technically couldn’t get mad at me for. I just asked him before he fell asleep, so he basically didn’t know what he said yes to, but I made sure to record it so he couldn’t deny it. It was a trick I had learned over the year of living with him; ask things when he’s sleepy and record it so you have proof later on.

I checked myself in the mirror. Today was special and I had to look presentable, but also like myself. So I just put on a striped sweater, black skinny jeans, red shoes, and a leather jacket. It was still winter and cold outside, but I was going to be inside most of the time. I had all the stuff I needed in an army green bag. It was going to be fine, hopefully my appearance wouldn’t make a difference.

I got into the car that was parked on the road in front of the building and made my way to Jack’s house. When I got there I saw he was putting all of his suitcases outside, so I rolled down my window instead of getting out of my car.

“Yo, asshole!” I shouted.

Jack looked up at me and smiled. “Hey, bitch!”

“Cocksucker!”

“Ass-kisser!”

“Bugger!”

“Going all British on me, are you, clitface?” He opened the door to my car so I could get out.

I laughed and decided to help him put all the suitcases in my-- in Cam’s car. Jack and I had started this thing where we would just call each other insulting names, some better than others. Over time we started to get more creative, but those names only came out when all the common ones were used. Weird thing was that Jack never called me a slut or a whore, but I would call him those nonstop. But to be honest, he did sleep with a lot of girls. I was just glad to not be one of them.

The suitcases barely fit in, but we managed to do it by putting some bags on the backseat. Jack got in the passenger seat and I looked at him with the most serious face I could make. I looked back forwards and started the car without saying a word. Jack looked so confused as I rolled down the window. I was never serious so I would have been confused as well.

“Umm… Isle, did I do something wr--” Jack started, but I interrupted him.

“Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces pass, and I’m homebound!” I screamed out of the window. Some passersby look at me weirdly, but I didn’t give a fuck. It was fun to confuse Jack like this. We got to a busier part of the road and I continued, “Staring blankly ahead, just making a way, through the crowd.” Jack joined me for the chorus while we were standing at a stoplight. Seeing people gave us strange looks would be an understatement. When we finished the song we burst out in giggles.

“You really had me scared there, Isle. I really thought I did something wrong.” Jack pouted.

“I’m sorry Jacky.” I patted his head. “It was funny seeing your face though.”

“Gosh, I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too, but you’re going to be traveling around the country so don’t be upset. I’ll never have that chance, don’t take it for granted.” I briefly looked at Jack. He gave me a sympathetic smile and put his hand on my hand that was on the gearshift.

“I won’t, I don’t. I promise to bring you with me once.”

“When I get Cam sorted out I’ll be able to come. Right now if I miss a week of work I won’t have enough money to pay the rent, the bills, and buy groceries.”

“I can always help you out with that.” Jack offered.

“Jack, if I wanted help, I would have asked my parents.”

I turned onto the exit for the airport and drove the short distance to it in silence. There was nothing to talk about. It was really weird talking to Jack about serious things like this. Not like serious-get-to-know-each-other talk, but serious-I-might-have-money-problems talk. I stopped at the drop-off part of the airport. There were many people saying goodbye to each other: families, friends, couples…

“Are you sure you can’t come in with me? I still need to prove you’re real,” Jack asked.

“I’m sorry, Jack. My job interview’s in 20 minutes, I don’t want to be late,” I said with a sigh.

“Ok then.” Jack kissed my forehead. “Bye, bitch.”

“Bye, asshole,” I whispered back.

I watched as Jack disappeared into the crowd. For some reason, I was really upset to see him leave. It was only going to be for a month, but this felt worse than saying goodbye to my dad as a child. Jack and I had grown so close over the last months that it felt weird saying goodbye to him. I really loved him, he was my best friend, and I wasn’t going to see him in a month. But there were going to be times that he would be gone for a lot longer, so I guess this was a test to see if our friendship would last through these conditions.

\----

I got out of my car and looked at the studio building. It was basically an old warehouse that had been renovated to hold offices and photography studios. So, it was basically my dream place to work at. The magazine that had asked me to come in for the job interview had seen my work in the last magazine I had taken photos for, you know the coffee stained photos that were totally Jack’s fault. That job was unfortunately a one-time thing, but this fashion magazine had offered me a permanent job. They were still small, but were also growing a fanbase pretty quickly. The target audience was girls around my age give or take a couple of years. So this was literally the perfect job for me.

I entered the building and walked up to the reception. A girl that wasn’t that much younger than me was sitting there and asked how she could help me. I told her I was here for the job interview, to which I was asked to wait here for somebody to come pick me up. I sat in one of the round red chairs that fit nicely with the white and red decoration. Before I knew it an older woman came up to me and introduced herself.

“My name is Angelica,” she shook my hand, “and I’m here to show you around a bit and get to know you before you get to work and show us what you can do.”

I smiled at her, “I’m Ireland. It’s a real pleasure to be here.”

“Oh no, it’s my pleasure. I really liked your work, it’s so different and original. That’s why I asked you to come here.”

She showed me around the offices and some of the studios. Apparently, this was just for the photography, there was another building further in town for the writers and editors. This magazine was a lot bigger than I expected. Everything looked so friendly and creative. There were bean bag chairs and people wearing sweatpants. All the other magazines I went to were always so stuck up and formal. This place was a lot more like me. Some of the studios were large, they often had props such as cars and other large objects, but I was going to show off my skills in one of the smallest rooms. It had a white backdrop and some studio light emitting white light. You might think it wasn’t much, but this was fine enough for me.

“So, Ireland, these are the three models you’re going to be photographing,” Angelica introduced. “This is Anna, Lillie, and Abagail.”

I said hi to them, but all I could think about was how pretty they were. They were tall, skinny, and had a pretty face. I was tall, average weight, and didn’t really have the prettiest face at all. Jack would definitely fuck these girls. But I didn’t care, I was comfortable with the way I looked, except for my gigantic scar, but I could always cover that up with a t-shirt.

I set up all my gear: taking out my camera and putting it on the right settings, setting up my tripod in case I needed it, and adjusted the lighting to a way I liked. Normally there weren’t any people inspecting me, so this time I felt a bit pressured and stressed. But out of the corner of my eye I saw a speaker to which I could connect my phone. Luckily this shoot had a punk-rock theme, so it was basically my territory. This place was getting better and better.

I walked up to the speaker and connected my phone with bluetooth. “So I hope you guys like Greenday, because that the only band we can listen to in this situation. You guys literally look like you are ready to go to one of their concerts.”

“Oh my god, yes. I love Greenday!” Abagail exclaimed while the other two looked a bit unfazed.

“Ok, so. I want you to forget about me being here and focus on the music. Listen to the guitars, feel the drumbeat, and portray the bass line.”

The girls started dancing around and Abagail sang along with the lyrics. For as pretty as she was, she didn’t have the best voice, but it also wasn’t the worst. Let’s just say she shouldn’t try to make a career out of it. But who was I to judge, I couldn’t sing for shit either.

They all looked so different. Lillie had brown hair, green eyes and a delicate face, Anna was blonde with brown eyes and had a bigger chest, while Abagail had dyed her hair purple and had light brown eyes that fit perfect with the lilac. Everything contrasted each other, yet fit together so nicely.

“Ok, take 5 guys!” Angelica announced. “Ireland and Abagail, can you come over here for a second?”

We both walked up to her. Abagail seemed just as terrified as I was. What if I wasn’t good enough? What if I messed up? Was the music a good idea? Was I being too shy again? I know I didn't talk much, but once I got more comfortable around people I wouldn't be able to stop saying stuff.

“So, you are both here to try out and show us what you got,” Angelica sai., “Abagail, I’ll start with you. You probably know we can only hire one of you. It’s either you, Anna, or Lillie. You really seem to be into it and having a lot of fun, which is what we are all about. The other two just don’t seem to do that. So, I would like to tell you that we would like to hire you.” A big smile spread across Abagail's face. I was really happy for her, I didn’t know they were also trying out, just like me. Angelica then turned to me, “Ireland, I really like the way you handle it all. From the photographs I have seen, I know you have a lot of talent. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to publish the photos until a couple of months. These photos will be used in one of the spring issues. So I can’t tell you if you’ve got the job or not until we get some reactions from the photos. However, I will make sure to contact you as soon as I know something.” At least it was something, I could be having a full-time job as a photographer in a couple of months, and if I wasn’t, I would have at least had a good time here. “So, I’m going to send the other girls home, You guys can go get some lunch, and then come back here in about an hour and you will be able to have a one on one photoshoot session.”

Abagail and I had decided to go grab some lunch together so we could get to know each other. Something about her really made me like her. It was something like I had with Jack, yet still a bit different. She was actually a girl I could consider being friends with. Girls my age were normally bitches and only wanted to hurt each other and be better than one another. But Abagail wasn’t like that, she was like me. We discussed our problems with each other. She used to have anorexia, but it seemed so easy for her to talk about. Normally things like this were personal and you wouldn’t want people you had only known for a couple of hours to know stuff like that. But her telling me her story encouraged me to tell her about my memory problems and about the headaches I had been getting. I even trusted her enough to tell her I was scared.

I really was scared. Things had been going good for so long. Jack had been helping me memorize some random moments of my life. But then the headaches happened. I seemed to be forgetting stuff again. No, not stuff from my past, but short term memory. I didn’t know if it was normal forgetting things, or if it was my brain playing up again. I was more than terrified that my progress was slowing down, or even worse, reversing. Jack was gone and couldn’t help me anymore. All I had was Cameron and myself. I could only hope nothing serious would happen.


	9. Give Me My Phone

Abagail came over for the millionth time this week. Jack had been gone for 3 weeks already, and we still had contact, but it was nice having another friend that wasn’t my brother. Weirdly enough, all the friends I had made also became my brother's friends, which then again also wasn’t that weird because he never went out. Fortunately, Cameron had been waking up at more reasonable times (which was still pretty late) because the doorbell would ring at least every other day. Our loft wasn’t that amazing, yet Abagail always came over, I’d never been to her apartment. With Jack it was more spread out, half of the time was spent at his house, the other half here.

I got a text from Jack saying he was up for FaceTiming in 5 minutes and of course I said yes. If I actually cared about what Jack thought of my appearance, I would be freaking out about how I looked, but I really didn’t care. So here I was, slouching on the couch, waiting for Jack to call me. Time always went by so slow--

My phone started ringing and I was immediately met with Jack’s face when I answered.

“Isle!” He screamed.

“Oh hey, Jack,” I sighed, “Nice to see you again.”

“Oh… “

I laughed, “I always get you with acting serious and annoyed! Of course I’m happy to see you.”

“I’m just too scared to screw up this friendship.” Jack pouted. “I really miss you.”

“Aww, I miss you too fuckface, especially your dick jokes. There’s not enough dick jokes here.”

Jack thought for a while until he snapped his fingers in the cheesiest way. “I got one! What did the left nut say to the right nut?”

“I don’t know?” I raised my hands knowing this was going to be terrible.

“Look at the dude in the middle trying to look all hard.”

I chuckled. “That’s such a bad joke. I can’t believe you stooped so low.”

“It really is bad, isn’t it?” Jack scratched his head.

“It really is.”

Abagail came out of the bathroom with her phone in one hand. “What about that one guy I did that one photo shoot with?”

“No,” I groaned. “Jack, tell Abby that I don’t do relationships and that she should stop trying to hook me up with someone.”

“Don’t even bother trying, Abagail, she’s too stubborn,” Jack laughed.

Before I knew it, my phone was taken out of my hands and Abagail ran back into the bathroom. It was funny at first, and I followed her while giggling. She locked herself up and started talking to Jack. I could hear everything that was being said.

“Yo, Jack, Ireland has a secret,” Abagail overdramatized, “she really really likes you.”

I banged on the door, laughing while shouting out, “of course I do, he’s my best friend.”

“You’re my best friend too!” Jack screamed.

“Shut up!” Abagail chuckled. "That’s not what I meant.”

“I don’t get feelings for people, Jack knows that. There’s no point.” I pointed out.

“I don’t care! Let me have my fun!”

I started laughing at first, but my mind suddenly felt muddled up. Nothing around me made sense anymore. My fingers started tingling and I knew something was up. This was not normal, this was exactly what used to happen in the first couple of months after leaving the hospital. Why was it coming back now?! I banged loudly on the door, freaking out and only having one goal.

“Abby! Give me my phone now!” I screamed out of desperation.

“No! I’m not done confessing your love to Jack yet!” She replied.

“No, Abby! You don’t understand!”

“I know, you don’t do relationships. Just let me do this! You know it’s true!”

I would have retorted something witty, but I really couldn’t care less about that. “I need my phone! Now!”

There was another voice coming from the phone. “Is this your mystery girl, Jack?”

Jack answered, “nope, this is just her friend… who I have never met in real life.”

“Abby, please!” I screamed once again.

“Oh well, I still won’t believe you. Plus, there’s too much shouting going on. I’m leaving,” the other voice said.

“I need my phone!”

Cameron stomped up beside me. “Why the fuck are you guys screaming! Can’t you keep it down!”

I banged the door 3 more times, my voice becoming weaker. “Abby!”

But it was too late. My body went completely numb and limp. I saw myself crashing to the floor, my head slowly nearing the hard surface. Cameron caught me, but I still hit the floor with a loud thump. I couldn’t move my body anymore and the only thing I wanted was to sleep. Cam kept softly hitting my face, and it wasn’t till after a couple of seconds that I realized that he was talking to me.

“Don’t faint on me now, Field,” he kept repeating over and over again.

But my eyes felt so heavy. If I could just close them for one second...

“Abagail! Come help me!”

The door unlocked and I could just make out Abagail’s terrified face. My vision was blurry, yet I could still hear everything clearly, maybe even better than I normally did. I could hear Jack asking what was going on, I could hear Abagail trying to help Cam and talk to Jack at the same time, and I could hear Cameron trying his best to keep me awake. But it didn’t work. My eyes closed and I felt peaceful.

\----

I woke up to something tightening around my left arm. There was a low buzzing and a beep before the pressure released. I peeled my eyes open slowly and looked around. Apparently, I had been moved onto the couch and my doctor was in front of me, checking my blood pressure. We had this thing where I would always be able to call her if I felt like anything was going to happen, which is why I wanted my phone back so badly. But, obviously, this time I wasn’t able to do. Cam also had her number, so he had probably called her after I had fainted.

“Welcome back, Ireland,” my doctor, Val, said.

“Hi,” I managed to reply in my weakest voice.

“In case you’re wondering, there’s nothing wrong. You’ve been making a lot of progress, but it was going so fast that it took a while for your brain to grasp it all. Basically, your brain went in a slight overdrive. It could have been a lot worse and could have been damaging, but you were lucky. You just have to stay rested and calm the next couple of days. So I’m basically putting you on bedrest, but only so you don’t have too much information to take in.”

I nodded my head sleepily. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been this tired. It definitely hadn’t been for a long, long time. Val said goodbye to me, telling me she had to go back to her scheduled patients, which I didn’t mind. I knew how annoying it was to have to wait for your appointment. Cameron picked me up and carried me to my bedroom, even though he didn’t have to. I guess he just wanted to be the good brother he used to be. Abagail walked into my room as well and gave me back my phone.

“You should probably call Jack back,” she suggested with a forced half-smile. “I kind of hung up on him randomly because I couldn’t help you and talk to Jack at the same time. He’s probably very worried.”

I nodded and watched as both Cameron and Abagail left, leaving me alone in my dark room, my face illuminated by the blue light of my phone. After looking through my contacts, I called Jack. He answered in no time.

“Isle! Are you ok? What happened?!” He rambled with a worried face.

“I’m fine, Jack,” I mumbled, trying to keep my eyes open the best I could. “I’m just really tired. Nothing bad happened, it’s just my progress catching up with me. My brain wasn’t used to knowing so much in one go. I have to stay and do nothing for the next couple of days, doctor’s orders.”

“I wish I could keep you company. I could probably come over when we have a day off or something.”

“No Jack, I’ve got Abagail and Cameron. Don’t waste your days off on me. I won’t be much fun anyway. All I will be doing is sleeping.”

“It won’t be a waste!”

I sighed and turned on my side. “How about this: I’ll put my phone on the side you normally sleep on and I’ll talk to you till I fall asleep, but you’re not going to come here on your day off.”

“Ok…” Jack pouted, trying to guilt trip me, but I was too tired to change my mind.

“I’m sorry Jack. I just feel so tired right now.”

Jack told me it was ok and promised that he wouldn’t come visit unless something else happened to me. I listened to the tour stories he told me in his deep calm voice. It was moments like this that I really loved him. He was always fun to be around with his hyperness and dick jokes, but he also knew when to be serious.

I could feel myself slowly drifting off.

“Hey, Jack? I love you,” I muttered in my sleepy state.

“I love you too, Isle, I really do.”

My eyes closed fully and I fell into a weird world of dreams.


	10. Dancing and Full Nudity

Dad had left the country again, so Mom came over after she had brought him to the airport. It might sound sad having your husband or father gone most of the time, but we were used to it. I had grown up like that, which was probably why I was fine with not seeing people for a really long time. However, with Jack is was somehow different, it was like he was a much bigger part of my life than I thought. Luckily, Jack came back the day before, and I was going to visit him the next day. He actually wanted to meet up now, but I told him to rest instead. My bedrest had finally finished, so I didn’t want him to act alive while he was secretly dying of fatigue inside.

“Of course I’ll make photos of aunt Doreen’s wedding if she can’t find another photographer,” I told my mom, who was freaking out about all the planning, “I probably won’t be able to spend much time with family, though. I’ll always need to be ready with my camera or else I might miss something that would have been amazing to have on photo.” I caught something out of the corner of my eye, “Like, because I don’t have my camera right now, I’m missing the once in a lifetime picture of Jack trying to sneak out of my room naked.”

My mom’s eyes went wide and she looked at Jack before quickly looking back at me. I probably shouldn’t have pointed that out, but it was the only thing I could think of. My mom probably thought my relationship with Jack was a lot more that what I’d been telling her.

I turned to Jack, who looked like a deer caught in headlights. “Jack, why are you naked, why are coming out of my room, and what the fuck are you even doing here?!”

Jack started coming towards us, “Well, I--”

“No! First, put on your clothes! Please!” I exclaimed.

“You see, I don’t know where they--”

The door of Cameron’s door slammed open, “What are Jack’s clothes doing on my floor?” He looked between me and Jack, “and why is he coming out of your room naked?”

“Why don’t you tell us, Jack?” I raised my eyebrow.

“Long story short, I don’t know,” He finally covered himself with his hand and quickly rushed for his clothes before running back into my room.

“Ok…?” Cameron looked bewildered and sat down on the chair next to my mom at the dining table.

I sighed, “I’ll go check in on him. And no, before you get any ideas, I really do not know what he is doing here.”

I went to my bedroom and found nothing there. Jack wasn’t changing, nor was he anywhere else. The curtain was wide open, so he probably didn’t even put on his clothes here, because otherwise the neighboring building would have seen him as clearly as my mom and I had. But there was light coming underneath my bathroom door. He was probably in there. Without thinking twice I opened the door before quickly slamming it closed. My eyes were not prepared for that.

“Oh god, Jack. Why!” I groaned.

“I’m sorry,” I heard him stagger through the door.

“Please don’t tell me you’re using my lotion.”

“Again, I’m sorry.”

“Jack!” I whined. “And why in my bathroom?!”

“I couldn’t walk out like this! Not with your mom here! I didn’t know you would walk in on me.”

“You’re still going, aren’t you.”

“Yup,” he groaned, “I’m not giving myself a bad case of blue-balls.”

“Let me guess, this is not the first time you’ve done that in my bathroom.”

“Nope.”

“Why am I even talking to you right now, this is really fucking weird.”

“It really-- Oh my fucking god, Ireland! Yes!” Jack moaned.

“No, Jack,” I whimpered. “Anything but my name when you cum.”

The door opened and Jack, now fully clothed, walked out, “And yet again, I’m sorry. You were talking to me and you popped up in my mind, I couldn’t do anything about it, I was so close.”

“Couldn’t you have warned me?” I complained.

“Umm… I probably should have…”

I shivered and went back to take my seat at the dining room table. I was now officially scared for life. Seeing Jack masturbating was a ton worse than I had expected… not that I ever even expected it. This was messed up, I would never see him the same again… but then again, this was Jack we were talking about. He gets paid for making dick jokes, just forget about the being in a band thing.

“So, Doreen just called me and said she found a photographer, meaning you don’t have to do anything but show up and look good,” My mom told me.

“That means I can spend more time with my lovely family!” I exclaimed overdramatically.

My mom chuckled. “Yes, but she want’s you to bring a date.”

“Are you being serious! Does Cam also need to bring someone?”

“Nope,” Cameron said popping the p, “only you.”

“Are you kidding me! That woman’s obsessed with my love life! I’ll find someone, I’ve still got 3 weeks, that’s more than enough time, right?”

“Well, you aren’t really looking for anybody… so…” Cameron trailed off.

“I’ll take you out today,” Jack offered. “We’ll find someone.”

\----

So, Jack’s great idea was to take me to a club. I never found out how he got into the loft, how he got into Cameron’s room and got naked without Cam knowing, and then got into my room without me seeing him when I woke up. It was all very confusing.

Jack forced me into a tight, small black dress, golden jewelry, and black high heels. I had even curled my hair and put on some pink lipstick, all because Jack told me to. I felt really uncomfortable and was actually a bit afraid. This wasn’t what I was like. Sure, I like having fun, but I never actually went to a club… or that I could remember.

We were now at Jack’s house so he could get ready. For some reason, he had managed to stay the whole day again. It was like this crazy power always made him come to Cam and I.

“Jack,” I groaned and slouched in desperation, “I really don’t want to go.”

“Oh come on, it will be fun. And you’re all dressed up already, you don’t want to put that to waste.” Jack argued.

“I really don’t feel good. I don’t want to do this.”

“Ok, fine. You’ll just be my wingman, or wingwoman or whatever, then.”

“No, Jack. That’s even worse. What if guys actually expect me to… you know… do something…” I mumbled the last part.

Jack gasped. “Oh my god, Ireland!”

“Don’t say that,” I sounded disgusted, “I don’t need to have a reminder of you calling my name out while you were masturbating.”

“Whatever,” Jack shrugged, “but are you saying you’re still a virgin!”

I groaned, “Jack. I don’t actually remember anything, so I don’t know. All I know is that I might be fully virgin or only mentally.”

“Well, my virgin friend, we shall find you someone.”

“No. I really don’t want to.” My voice changed from whiny to serious. “I’m not like you, I don’t just want to have sex with any random guy I find. It’s not like I want it to be with a special guy or something, because you know I don’t believe in that, but I would at least like to have known the guy for a while, for longer than an hour or so.”

“Have sex with me then.”

“Jack!” I hit his chest, “I will never ever have sex with you.”

“I guess my fantasies will never become reality.”

“Let’s just go.”

Apparently, Jack was satisfied enough with my answer, because in no time we were at the club. I guess being in a band that loved going to clubs really had its perks. Of course, I had to show my ID. Wherever I went with an age limit, I always got carded. I didn’t look that young, did I? Of course I was only twenty-three, but I didn't think me features made me look underage. Maybe to outsiders, I did.

Jack and I both directly went for the bar and had some shots to get us started. The music was blaring and the bass was booming. I could feel the music flowing through me, almost controlling my actions. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as bad as I thought it was, even though I hated crowds and crowded spaced. I loved music and I knew how to dance, so how could this go wrong?

I looked to my right when I saw somebody stumble up next to me. They really looked wasted, maybe even blackout drunk. I pushed their face away as they tried to kiss me, making me look at Jack, who was to my left, with wide eyes. We both burst out laughing after I had turned the guy around and got him talking to another girl.

“You see! You’ve already got it!” Jack gestured.

“Yeah right. One drunk guy.” I rolled my eyes and took another shot.

I was starting to feel a buzz and couldn’t wait to get on the dance floor. As We Found Love came on I really couldn’t help myself anymore. I grabbed Jack’s hand --which was something I was normally very insecure about for good reasons, but didn’t think much about it because everybody was close up and sweaty--and brought him onto the dance floor. I turned around so my back was touching his chest and started swaying my hips.

“Oh, so we’re going to dance like this are we?” Jack muttered in my ear.

I didn’t reply and instead started grinding on him. Jack’s immediate response was to put his hands on my hips and start moving along with me. I rested my head on his shoulder and I could feel his breathing down my neck and collarbone. This was the first time I was this intimate with Jack, but it was fun and different. It was daring. I raised my arms so they were around his neck and I slowly dipped down his body slowly. Our dancing was a constant routine of this until I decided to turn around and stop. His breath was no longer in my neck, but mixing with mine, his lips just a few inches away. I saw that he kept looking at my lips and he was hesitantly moving forward. But his lips never reached mine. I interrupted him by whispering in his ear.

“Aren’t we here to find you a one night stand and me a guy to bring to my Aunt’s wedding?” I smirked.

I could hear Jack’s shaky breath, “Yes, but--”

“I’m going to get a drink.” I started walking away.

“Tease.”

“No, I’m not. I was just dancing with my best friend, nothing wrong with that.”

“Hmm… sure,” He followed me out of the shuffling crowd.

I sat on a bar stool and Jack stood beside me, “You know, I’m never doing this again. I feel like I used to spend a lot of time in places like this, but I’m not like that anymore.”

“Are you sure? You looked pretty comfortable out there.”

“I’m always comfortable when I’m dancing.”

\----

Jack had eventually disappeared with a girl and later moved closer to where I was sitting with another. It was as if he had a cycle to go through and I had no clue how he did it. I, on the other hand, felt really uncomfortable around these people. Everybody was going crazy and getting drunk. Whenever a guy came up to me they were either ready to pass out or just simply an asshole. But I wasn’t going to go home yet, Jack seemed to be having so much fun.

“Hey,” a male voice said from my right.

I looked at the source and found a toned tall guy with short brown hair and the cutest dimples. His eyes had multiple shades of brown and he didn’t look as drunk as anybody else here. Maybe this guy wasn’t bad to talk to.

“Hey.” I smiled back.

The guy took this as an invitation to sit down and talk to me.

“I feel as bored as you look,” he joked after he ordered a drink. “My name’s Brian, by the way.”

“Ireland.” I shook his hand.

“Ireland, that’s a nice name. I don’t often meet people named after a country.”

“I’m not really sure I’m named after it, but I do know my parents like the name.”

“Well, it’s a lot more interesting than Brian.”

“Possibly.” I grinned at him.

“So why are you at a club when it doesn’t even look like you’re having fun.”

“I came here with a friend.”

“Ooh, a friend. Where is she?”

“He is over there,” I jerked my thumb in the direction of where Jack was chatting up yet another girl, “and he’s a sex addict, so yeah.”

“Sounds pretty bad.”

“He’s my best friend, so I deal with it.”

Brian let out a low chuckle, making his dimples show up again. Why did he have to look so perfect? The way his hair was spiked up just a bit added complexion to his already chiseled face. And he didn’t seem like an asshole. I could actually see myself bringing him to the wedding, he looked neat enough, not like the other sloppy guys here.

A guy grabbed him by the shoulders. “Yo, dude, we got shots, you coming?” The guy then saw me and realized what was going on. “Or do you think you’ll be staying for a bit longer?”

Brian looked at me with a smile.

“It’s fine. You can go. I need to get going home soon,” I told him with a half lie.

“Ok, but can I get your number?”

“Sure.”

I put my number in his phone and gave it back to him. Who knew if he was actually going to call me or not. Maybe he was going to pick up a ton more girls, maybe he wasn’t. I wasn’t sure.

I stayed alone for the rest of the time before Jack would either come up to me or until I would decide to go by myself. But that wasn’t for long. Some random dude who didn’t show his face came up to me and whispered for me to come with him. It was like he was a shadow that nobody could see unless he made himself come forward. When I politely said no he grabbed my wrist and started pulling me along with him. I tried pulling away, but it didn’t work. There were bodies all around me, but nobody seemed to realize. Not even Jack. I felt hot tears going down my cheeks, I didn’t know if it was because his grip was so tight, or if it was because Jack didn’t care enough to keep an eye out for me and realize what was happening. All I knew was that I had to get free. Somehow I managed to twist around and kick him in the balls. When he bent over I kneed him in the face. People stopped to watch, but soon began to dance again afterward. Let’s just hope he didn’t wake up again to do it to more girls.

I pushed myself through the crowd and to Jack. I didn’t care if I was interrupting his conversation with a beautiful girl. All I wanted was to go home and take of this uncomfortable dress, makeup, and shoes. This place was a shithole.

I lightly put my hand his shoulder. “Jack, I’m going to go home.”

He looked up at me, “What! Why!”

“I’m just tired, but you can stay. I’ll take a taxi home.”

“Awww, ok, fine.”

I looked at the girl with blonde hair and a red dress that was way too small for her chest. Why did Jack always go for the easy girls? There were so many girls he could have with just a bit more effort, girls that didn’t only sleep with him and then leave. But I guess that was how Jack was, just like how I didn’t want to have a relationship because I didn’t believe in it.

I smiled at her. “You’ve got a real good one here. Have a good time with him.”

I walked out of the club into the cold weather. It felt refreshing compared tp the hot and sticky lust filled air inside. I was never going to go to a club again, unless I had somebody who actually cared and made sure I was ok… or somebody who would stay with me at all times. I wasn’t blaming Jack, I was just shaken up and confused about what happened. Everything went by so fast.


	11. Batshit Crazy

“I’ve got an emergency,” Jack whispered through the phone, “I’m locked in my bathroom and afraid to go out. The girl won’t leave. Help me!”

I laughed, “Jack, you really have to be more careful. I’m not going to tell you to stop acting all jacky and shit, but I am going to tell you to chose your girls wisely.”

“She’s hot. And don’t use my name as an adjective, asshole.”

“Do you still want me to help, or not?”

“Yes, please, I’m sorry. Oh god, she’s banging on the door, help!” Jack started panicking.

“Come on out Jack!” an ‘innocent’ female voice said, “We can go for another round.”

“Have you tried doing something disgusting?” I suggested, trying to suppress the laughter inside of me.

“Yes, I even tried farting. It only made her want me more! What the fuck is wrong with her!” Jack rushed is a whisper-shouting manner.

“What about-”

“Yes! I’ve tried everything, please come here and save me!”

I chuckled, “Ok, fine. I’ll be there in 15.”

“Can you come faster?” Jack begged.

“No, it takes a while to get to your place. And stop complaining, you’re only making me stay at home longer.”

“Please leave now.”

I hung up the phone and laughed to myself. This was exactly what I was thinking about last night at the club. He always went for the girls that were easy to sleep with, but that didn’t mean they were easy to get rid of, quite the opposite actually. Some girls would leave before he even noticed, other would leave at a more reasonable time, and then there were girls that just wouldn’t leave. That’s what I was here for. I made a deal with Jack that I would come to his house and improvise a dramatic scene so the girl would have to leave. I was becoming an expert actor. There were many things I had pretended to be: I once acted like I was his sister who was distressed because their dad was in the hospital, sometimes I was the classic girlfriend catching him cheating, I had been the owner of the house, and other times I was just another girl he slept with. It was a real mix, there was nothing I couldn’t do. This time I decided to step it up a notch, this girl really sounded like a barnacle, plus it was fun to see how far I could go. I quickly printed out a picture and got other stuff I might have needed to make it more believable.

When I got to Jack’s house I got the key from it’s secret hiding spot behind the wall lamp and open the door. I loudly closed it, to make my presence known. This better be good.

“Babe! I’m home!” I shouted through the house. I acted as if I waited for a reply when I hung my jacket up. When I didn’t get any I called out again, “Babe? Are you home?”

I looked at the beautiful ring I had on the left ring finger. Something about it being there made the feel weird and uncomfortable… scared. It made me shiver and I wanted to throw it across the room and scream. But why would I? It was just a ring that came from a box full of my old possessions from the times I can’t remember. I took a deep breath and rushed up the stairs, opening the bedroom door with a loud bang, prepared for anything that could be going on. Jack was on top of a brunette and was making out with her. I lifted my hand with the ring on it to my mouth and they quite jumped apart. Jack didn’t know what part I was playing, so he just stared at me. Somehow I had managed to let tears form in my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

“I-I’m so stupid,” I started in a whimper, but the next part I started yelling like a crazy woman, “I thought you wanted this! You fucking promised me you would change your ways! I said yes to marrying you! I’m so stupid! Of course you wouldn’t love me!”

The girl made no attempt in leaving, she only looked at me like I was doing something wrong; like I was the girl who Jack cheated on with. It made me feel uncomfortable and self conscious, I never felt like that. What kind of sorcery was this? I think Jack noticed that the girl wasn’t thinking of leaving, because he decided reply.

“No, no, no, no. I do love you. I do want to marry you. You’re not stupid,” Jack stammered.

“Yet you still cheat on me! I thought you said you wanted to start a family! You fucking asshole!” I look my ring off of my finger and threw it at his head, hitting him directly against his forehead.

“I really do. I promise. I want to start a family with you.” He got up and ran towards me, taking hold of both of my hands.

“Well, you broke your last two promises. You cheat on me, and now we will have to cancel our wedding next month. Are you sure you love me?” I lowered my voice as more tears streamed down.

“Yes, it’s just, we haven’t done much in quite awhile, and I have needs too, you know?’ Jack said as if there was nothing wrong with his reason.

I ripped my hands out of his, “Are you fucking serious! Do you want to know why we ‘haven’t done anything’ in awhile,” I actually used air quotes and was hoping the girl would already get the message and leave, “I am pregnant! Ok!”

“What?’ Jack said in a weak voice. It was as if he thought it was real, as if I really had gotten pregnant last night. He sounded so heartbroken.

“Yes,” I got the scan picture that I had found on the internet out of my bag and pinned it against his chest, “this is the first and last time you will see your child, Arnold!”

“What!” The girl finally spoke up, “Your name is Arnold! What the fuck! I can’t believe I actually slept with you! Ew.” She quickly picked up her clothes and rushed out of the room.

Ok, that was weird. This girl wasn’t fazed by the fact that she had apparently slept with a man who was engaged, going to get married in a matter of weeks, have a baby in a couple of months, yet she freaked out when she found out his name wasn’t Jack, but Arnold. This girl really was batshit crazy.

I waited till I heard the door slam shut before I broke character, “That one was very difficult.”

“I told you,” Jack smirked, “You really went to a whole new level, I’ve never seen you cry in these ‘situations’ before.”

“Yeah, I actually wasn’t planning it, I don’t know how it happened. But then again, none of our acting really mattered. I could have just called you Arnold at the beginning and she would have left.”

“How did you even think of the name Arnold?” He wiped away the tears from my cheeks.

“I don’t know,” I chuckled, “it was the first thing that came up.”

“Well, she definitely didn’t like that name.” Jack went back to his bed and picked up the ring, “this is a nice ring, by the way.”

“Hmm… I found it in the stuff from before the accident. It’s pretty but I don’t really like it, it feels cold.”

Jack waltzed back up to me, “So, Ireland, would you do me the honour of being my best friend forever.”

I took the ring out of his hands and acted as if I was inspecting it, “I’m not sure if this ring is good enough. This can’t represent our friendship, I think only Ring Pop’s can justify it.”

“Well then, my beautiful new BFF, I will get you one of divine quality.” Jack said in a fake posh-voice that sounded terrible. Seriously, he could not do accents and impressions, they were absolutely horrific.

“Thank you, my handsome BJF, best Jack forever.” I laughed, “and that was a terrible joke I just made, I’m sorry.”

“That was indeed terrible, but I shall forgive you for it. And I just realised I’m still in only my underwear, so I am just casually going to put on some pants.”

“I’ve seen a lot worse,” I shrugged as Jack rummaged through his closet, “a lot worse, stuff I would rather not ever seen again.”

“Very true, but be honest, you liked it.”

“Did not!” I defended.

“Totally did,” Jack stuck his tongue out at me, a gesture I happily returned, “oh, by the way, did you hear about that one guy at the club yesterday?”

“Which one?” I fell back onto Jack’s bed before realising he had sex in that a couple of hours ago, and decided to sit up instead.

“Apparently he tried to rape some girl, but he got totally beat up by her.”

“Oh yeah, I heard about that. The girl couldn’t even make out his face and hope her friend would notice, but they didn’t. The guy pulled her by the wrist and dragged her through the crowd. The girl didn’t know what to do and was terrified and just kicked him in the nuts before kneeing him in between the eyes, making him pass out. Apparently there was a remix of some Justin Bieber song playing.”

“Yes, exactly that. Wait… how do you know that?”

I stared in front of me and at my shoes. I didn’t exactly want Jack knowing, and I didn’t know why.

“Ireland,” Jack warned.

I shrugged in response and hummed, not really giving an answer.

Jack walked up to me and kneeled in front of me. He suddenly pulled up my sleeves, making the perfectly hand shaped bruise on my right wrist visible, “Isle… I am so so sorry.”

I couldn’t let Jack think that this was because of him, “No, Jack, It’s not your fault, don’t make me feel bad.

“No, I feel bad. I should have made sure you were ok. I can’t just trust drunk horny guys around such a beautiful girl like you.”

I took my hands back and pulled the sleeves down again, “It’s fine, Jack. Nothing happened, I managed to defend myself.”

“But what if you can’t next time?”

Next time. “Please don’t tell me there will be a next time,” I couldn’t stop the tears that I didn’t even know I was holding back. I didn’t know I had been this scared, this morning was so normal, well normal for me, and yet here I was, not even an hour later, crying in Jack’s embrace.

Jack. The guy who was whispering sweet nothings in my ear as he was stroking my hair. This guy better stay in my life forever. I never had had such a good friend like Jack.


	12. The Purple Hair

Jack and I were cuddled up on the couch with a blanket draped around us when the doorbell rang. Neither of us felt like getting up, and Cam, even though it was already four in the afternoon, was still asleep. He had been coming out of his room less and less, just when I thought he was starting to make progress.  
  
“It’s open!” I shouted.  
  
Not even a second later the door opened and Abagail came walking in with a big smile on her face. I could tell she had just come from a photoshoot because she was wearing clothes she would otherwise not wear: a tight flowering strapless crop top, high waisted black jeans, and deep red heels, all complimented by a leather jacket, which was the only thing she would actually wear outside of work.  
  
I totally forgot this was the first time Jack and Abagail met each other in real life, they had only seen each other through a screen. They stared at each other for a while before realising who the other person was.  
  
Abagail smirked, “oh look, it’s the fuckboy.”  
  
“That’s me,” Jack looked her up and down, making me shiver. I had made them both promise they wouldn’t have sex with each other unless they really liked each other. But I didn’t really worry. Abagail wasn’t a girl that slept around, despite her good looks, and Jack just wouldn’t betray me like that. Or at least I hoped.  
  
Abagail's eyes drifted to me, “So, you ready?”  
  
I gave her a confused look, “ready for what?”  
  
“Your date with that guy Brian…? I promised you I would help you get ready… Remember?”  
  
I was confused for a while before finally remembering, “shit, that’s today!” I scrambled to get up. What was wrong with me? I was forgetting the simplest things ever.  
  
“You have a date?” Jack grinned, “Way to go!”  
  
“Yeah, I met him at the club.”  
  
Jack stiffened up and shifted awkwardly, “You mean the guy that-”  
  
“No, a guy I met before that,” I interrupted incase Cam could hear. I hadn’t told him and wasn’t planning on it either. He would only freak out and never let me go out with Jack again.  
  
“Abagail, when and where is the date, I totally forgot,” I turned to her.  
  
“Umm, at 7 and at that one new restaurant that opened last week,” she replied while looking at her phone. If you ever needed someone to remember something for you, ask Abagail. She would note anything down.  
  
“Well, I’m going to go home,” Jack announced, “you guys have fun. The restaurant is pretty close to my house, so you can always come over if needed, like it being a bad date or something. I would drive you, but Alex just texted me about something he needed.”  
  
“I’m pretty sure it won’t be a bad date,” Abagail nudged.  
  
I rolled my eyes, “It’s ok, Jack. I’ll just steal Cameron’s car-”  
  
“No you’re not,” Cameron was suddenly stood behind me.  
  
I jumped slightly and looked at him with puppy dog eyes, “Please Cam… Please! I need it to get to a date!”  
  
Cameron groaned, “Fine, but only because you’re going on a date.”  
  
“Thank you, brother dearest,” I kissed him on the cheek and then gave Jack one as well, “bye Jacky, I’ll see you later.”  
  
Jack laughed and shouted a goodbye when Abagail dragged me to my room. She couldn’t wait to transform me. With just half an hour to spare Abagail had finally finished dressing me up. She had all these crazy ideas, but I told her I just wanted to wear something comfortable and have a limited amount of makeup of my face. After some complaining she finally gave in and actually made me look like myself: A red cotton dress, my white high converse and a beautiful rose gold necklace with flowers. Luckily she let me do my makeup by myself, or I would definitely had a smokey eye and red lips right now.  
  
Abagail insisted on driving with me to the restaurant. She said her parents lived close and that she could always call Jack if something happened. I felt bad about it, but she convinced me she was going to be fine, so I believed her.  
  
Brian was already waiting for me when I walked into the restaurant, which had a nice theme, not too fancy, but also not too casual. I was actually quite surprised at how Brian looked, I didn’t remember him that hot. The alcohol had probably affected my vision at the club, but his choice of attire today could also have played a factor. He was wearing a white shirt with a blue flannel over it and some blue jeans.  
  
He got up and gave me a hug, “you look amazing.”  
  
“Thank you,” I smiled, “you look pretty handsome yourself.”  
  
He pulled out my chair for me and then went to sit in his own. So far this date was going pretty good. The waiter came with the menus and we both started looking through it. There were so many things that sounded so good, but I also didn’t want to get anything too expensive. I wasn’t that time of girl.  
  
“Get anything you want,” He smiled, “Don’t worry about the price.”  
  
Ok, well… I could technically get anything, but I still felt bad about it. Eventually I settled on some vegetarian pasta that actually sounded pretty good. I had considered becoming a vegetarian before, but that was way too difficult. It wasn’t that I wasn’t determined, it was just that it was pretty difficult to always have vegetarian food, especially if I went to a family gathering.  
  
“You know, that dress would really look good with a pearl necklace,” Brian pointed out.  
  
“I guess it would,” i shrugged, “they’re pretty expensive though.”  
  
“I could buy you one sometime,” Brian winked.  
  
I sat there pretty confused. Why would he want to buy me a pearl necklace. I would only end up breaking it and wasting his money. I didn’t even know him at all. All I knew was his name and that he seemed pretty cool at first. My thoughts were interrupted by our food coming. The service was actually pretty fast.  
  
“So, I ordered the most expensive wine. A treat for you,” Brian explained after the waiter had poured us bost a glass and left.  
  
“Umm… thanks, I guess…” I moved around in my seat uncomfortably.  
  
“I have a couple of bottle at home actually. It’s a great simple gift to give to people.”  
  
For the rest of the dinner he kept hinting at how much money he had. He told me about his car, his house, and the car and house he had somewhere in Spain on a private estate. A private helicopter was also mentioned somewhere in the conversation. However, the last straw was when he thought of another ‘toy’ he had.  
  
“I actually have a beautiful yacht in the Caribbean. I haven’t gone to it in a couple of months, so I have somebody take care of it. Maybe we could go out to it once and stay there for a couple of weeks,” He smirked.  
  
“Ok, no,” I interrupted before he could think of anything else, “this date is going nowhere. I don’t care how much money you have. All I need is a nice conversation. This definitely isn’t nice.” I pointed between us, “Maybe someday you’ll find a girl who wants all of that. But I honestly don’t give a shit. This isn't going to work.” I took my napkin from my lap and stood up, “I’m so sorry, but I’m going to go.”  
  
So that’s exactly what I did. He didn’t even try to stop me. I guessed he never had a girl reject him like that. Normally money would make them want to be with him, but as I said so many times before, I really didn’t care about that. I thought about Jack’s offer and got in my car to drive to his house  
  
The streetlights were illuminating the dark somber streets. Cold could be seen in the air and reflected off the headlights from cars going the opposite direction. The copies of houses lind the roads with perfect dollhouse gardens. My phone rang through the silent humming of the car. It was Brian. I took my eyes off the road for a second to answer.  
  
“Sorry, can’t talk right now. I’m driving,” I informed before he could say anything.  
  
I hung up and pulled up in Jack’s driveway. His house really was close by. All the lights were on so I reckoned it would be safe to go in. I turned off the car and got out, shivering in the ice cold weather. The door was unlocked so I just walked in. There was no sound so I went straight for his bedroom thinking he would be sleeping there. I was right about him being there, but not about him sleeping.  
  
He was thrusting in and out of a girl. A girl with familiar purple hair. How I didn’t hear the sounds before was a mystery to me. They both realised the door opening and looked at me with terrified faces. I stared back at them taking a while to process what was going on in front of me. Abagail and Jack were having sex. They broke their promise to me. How did I not realise Abagail smirking at her phone every once in awhile when she was getting me ready? How did I not think it was suspicious that she had Jack’s number?  
  
I quickly ran out before it could get any awkwarder. They shouted my name and I could hear Jack’s footsteps thundering down the stairs, but I ignored them. I felt sick and the need to get away was screaming at me. This was messed up, really messed up. I got in the car and turned the corner before I could see Jack run out of the house. The ride back home was a complete blur filled with tears.  
  
\----  
  
There was a loud knocking at the front door and I opened the door, not thinking twice about who could be on the other side. However, when I saw it was Jack, I quickly slammed the door shut in his face and walked back to my room. The knocking and ringing of the doorbell continued. Cameron gave me a weird look as I walked past him.  
  
“Don’t open the door,” I stated bluntly.  
  
He did exactly the opposite and let Jack in. I ran into my bedroom, threw the door closed behind me, and locked myself in my bathroom. I slid down the door as I heard footsteps that were obviously Jack come into the room. He immediately knew where I was hiding and starting knocking once again.  
  
“Ireland, I’m so so sorry,” he kept repeating over and over again.  
  
I stayed silent and let tears roll down once again. My own best friend betrayed me. How was I ever going to trust him again? The images kept repeating in my head, making me feel sick once again. Not just mentally this time, but also physically. I rushed over to the toilet and started emptying the contents of my stomach.  
  
“Isle, are you ok in there?” A panicked Jack shouted.  
  
I opened my eyes and saw there was blood. My breath hitched in my throat and my stomach dropped. This wasn’t any good… this wasn’t good at all. I quickly wiped my mouth and flushed the toilet, hoping it would take reality with it.  
  
“i- I’m fine,” i stuttered out of breath.  
  
“You don’t sound fine. Let me in!” Jack banged on the door loudly.  
  
“I’m fine, Jack! Leave me alone!”  
  
“It’s not fine! I messed up. I fucked up our friendship and I can’t just leave you in there knowing something's wrong! Please open the door for me.”  
  
There was no point in trying to fight with him. He wasn’t going to give up and I knew that he would stay in my room until I came out or he would break the door down. I tried reaching for the lock, but my arm and hand were shaking too much. Come to think of it, my whole body was shaking uncontrollably. I tried grabbing the lock again, but I always just missed it or my hand would slip off before I could twist it.  
  
“I can’t,” I cried.  
  
“Come one, babe, please. I’m so sorry,” Jack was becoming desperate.  
  
“I physically can’t, Jack,” I sobbed. The shaking was only getting worse and my breathing started becoming more shallow by the second. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything. All I heard was Jack’s muffled voice coming through the door and a loud bang. Before I knew it there was shadow in front of me holding me in a tight grasp. It made me raise my arms up. I managed to fill my lungs with more air as the voice was counting along. My vision sharpened and I saw Jack sitting in front of me. As soon as I could breathe again I fell into him and gave him a hug. He held me back tightly.  
  
“What happened?” I stuttered.  
  
“You had a panic attack… I’m so sorry I gave you a panic attack,” he mumbled into my hair.  
  
“Don’t be sorry, it wasn’t because of you,” I thought back to the blood swirling around in the toilet, “it was something else.”  
  
“Want to talk about it?”  
  
I shook my head. I wasn’t going to make him worry even more. There was probably nothing wrong with me anyway, even though I never had this happen to me before. I also wasn’t going to tell Cam about anything that had just happened. He would only freak out and go ballistic.  
  
“Ok, well, how was your date?” Jack tried to keep me talking.  
  
“Terrible,” I murmured, “He wouldn’t shut up about all of his cars and boats and houses. He said he would often casually take his helicopter to go golfing. It was really messed up, he could only talk about how much money he had. I don’t go for that.”  
  
“I know you don’t,” Jack moved some stray hair out of my face and kissed my temple.  
  
“And then I went to your house and see my two best friends fucking each other. So that whole hour was just messed up.”  
  
“I’m so sorry about that. I’m not saying it’s her fault, because it really isn’t. She was looking for a one night stand, and she looked hot, you know I can’t say no to that.”  
  
“How will you ever get a girlfriend?”  
  
“I never will,” he smiled down at me and moved the stray hair that had fallen back into place again, “It would be so much easier if- nevermind…”  
  
I didn’t push whatever he didn’t want to say, and instead asked some questions about Abagail, “So, um… What did you even do after I ran out of your house?”  
  
“I put on my clothes and came rushing after you. I left Abagail,” Jack muttered embarrassedly.  
  
“Why did you leave her there? You could have easily finished off and came here tomorrow.”  
  
“I know, I probably would have done that… but something was telling me to go after you.”  
  
I nodded and yawned, snuggling further into his embrace. Jack held on to me and stood up before putting me down on my mattress and taking off my shoes. He took off his own and sat down next to me.  
  
“Do you want me to help you with your pajamas?” Jack ran his fingers through my hair.  
  
I shook my head. As often as I had seen him naked, I didn’t want him to see me even remotely naked. I knew he was my best friend and that I could trust him, but I felt too uncomfortable especially since he was obsessed with the female body.  
  
“Ok, well do you want me to turn around so you can change?” Jack suggested.  
  
“Yes please,” I mumbled. Jack smiled at me and handed me my pajamas before getting up and standing at the door with his back facing me. I quickly got changed and curled up under the duvet. It was my secure place, now all I needed was Jack here with me. I told him he was allowed to turn around and join me.  
  
“I’m going to strip down to my boxers though,” he smirked.  
  
I nodded in my sleepy daze and closed my eyes as he started to undress. There was a weight on the other side of the mattress and Jack wrapped his arms around my body before pulling me closer to him so my face was buried in his chest.  
  
Just before I fell asleep I stupidly asked him something, “Jack, will you be my date to my aunt’s wedding?”  
  
“I’d love to,” he placed a quickly loving kiss on my forehead as I drifted off in his warm embrace.


	13. What is This? How do I React?

Today was the day my Aunt was going to get married. She and my uncle had been together for over 20 years and finally decided it was time. They already had had kids and were always faithful to each other. I was happy that they found the love they deserved, but I didn’t believe that I would ever have anything like that. Just because I didn’t believe in relationships for myself, didn’t mean I didn’t believe in love for other people. I mean, look at my parents, my dad was rarely home yet they were still so in love.  
  
I had actually gone out to buy a beautiful floor length pink dress and matching high heels. And because it was such a special occasion I actually decided to put on a fair amount of makeup. Jack was sitting on my desk chair -- he had arrived an hour before to come pick Cameron and I up -- as I was working on my eye makeup in the bathroom. I wasn’t wearing my dress yet, so I had the door only opened ajar so I could still talk to Jack without him seeing me.  
  
“My aunt is probably going to going crazy and will ask you if you’re my boyfriend,” I said as I was applying my winged eyeliner over my brown eyeshadow, “the answer to that is no, you are not my boyfriend, you’re just kind enough to be my date because you’re an amazing best friend and felt bad for me.”  
  
“Well, I do feel bad for you. That Brian guy really sounded like an asshole to me,” Jack commented.  
  
“He really was, I hope to never see him again.” I quickly put my hair (which had been untouched since I had washed it) into a side ponytail that draped over my right shoulder and took out some smaller pieces at the front to frame my face. “Pass me my dress, will ya?”  
  
Jack hummed in response and in no time Jack was handing me my dress with his back towards me. I took it from him and pulled it over my legs, my hips, and the rest of my body. The day that I bought this dress was very hectic. I didn’t have anybody to go with; I tried calling Abagail, but she kept ignoring me and sending me to voicemail. I didn’t understand why she was doing it though, maybe she was mad at me for interrupting her intimate moment with Jack, maybe she was mad that Jack went after me instead of staying with her. If that was the reason, it really was a shitty one. She kept telling me to get together with him, yet she also slept with him. Maybe it was just a cover up for her feelings. But it was also possible that she was just busy with work, she had ignored me before because of that, but that was normally only a couple of days, not two weeks. I really hoped I hadn’t lost my only friend that was a girl.  
  
But anyway, back to the day I went dress shopping. I had been to a ton of different shops looking for dresses. My parents had given me some money to buy something nice. Normally I would have declined it, but I was broke and really wanted to look good for my aunt. I would pay them back someday. All the dresses I had tried on did not fit. Either the chest was too tight or the rest was too loose. You see, I was cursed with the fact that my breasts were slightly larger than average. I might not sound that bad, but it was terrible whenever I wanted to wear a dress and I couldn’t wear low cut shirts. I wasn’t a girl who liked showing cleavage, so I often covered up with loose fitting shirts that had normal necklines or even ones that came up to my neck. When I had tried on 20 different dresses I was about to give up until I saw this particular one. It fit perfectly and the color complimented my brownish yet pale skin tone and my dark chestnut hair. I was so relieved and happy that I went home and fell asleep immediately.  
  
So, here I was, in my bathroom, putting on my dress and having troubles with my zipper. Luckily there was a gentleman in my room who looked awfully hot in suit and tie. I walked out, holding the back so I wouldn’t fall out of the dress. Jack turned around and saw me. His eyes went wide as he gulped. I had never seen him so infatuated by something.  
  
“You look-- umm, you look,” he cleared his throat, “you look very amazing. You’re so beautiful.”  
  
I smiled shyly and walked up closer to him. “You look pretty hot yourself.”  
  
“I don’t want to be called hot, I want to be called beautiful,” Jack said in a terrible girly voice, which he oddly enough did quite often.  
  
“Well, you look beautiful.” I kissed his cheek and turned around. “Can you zip me up?”  
  
Jack took a step closer in response and put his hand on my back to steady the dress, his other hand going for the zipper. “I mean it, you really look astonishing.”  
  
I tucked some hair behind my ear as I looked down to hide my blush. “It’s probably all the makeup making me look like a normal person for once.”  
  
I could feel Jack’s fingers carefully caress my bare back as he moved the zipper up. The touches sent small shocks through my body, wishing they would stay longer. “You always look stunning,” Jack breathed out as he reached the end.  
  
His hands lingered and then slowly lowered back to his sides. I could still feel his hot breath on my neck. Instead of it slowly going away it came closer and I slowly turned around. My face was just inches away from his, our breathing molding together. I couldn’t stop staring at his lips, the lips that looked so kissable. It was so wrong, yet I needed it; I needed to feel his lips against mine. I looked up at his eyes to ask for permission, but instead found that he was staring at my lips just like I was staring at him. I looked back down just as our lips were nearing before they finally touched. This, in my mind, was my first kiss, yet I still knew what to do. His mouth tasted sweeter than I would have expected it to when his tongue carefully started testing, tasting, and feeling. I wrapped my arms around his neck to bring him even closer to me as he took hold of my waist to do the same. My mind just completely stopped; time stopped as his movements become more passionate: pressing his lips harder against mine, becoming needier for the feeling of my lips. It was so wrong yet so right. I didn’t want it to stop.  
  
“Guys are you ready!” Cameron knocked on the door making Jack and I jump apart.  
  
“Umm… yeah,” I couldn’t stop staring at Jack, “one sec.”  
  
Jack started talking, “I--”  
  
But I interrupted him, “you go, I’ll be there in a bit. I just have to finish off doing… umm… yeah… and my shoes…”  
  
Jack nodded and hesitantly took his eyes off me before turning around and going out of my room. I hurried into my bathroom and looked in the mirror. Luckily I wasn’t wearing any lipstick yet, or that would have been a dead giveaway to Cam, this long-lasting lipstick was really difficult to get off. If I hadn’t had any other makeup on I would have definitely splashed water in my face. I shakingly put my lipstick on before resting my hands on the counter and staring at myself.  
  
I had just kissed Jack Barakat: a guy who doesn’t do relationships, a guy who sleeps with a ton of girls, a guy who is my best friend. What the fuck had I done? Our whole friendship was probably going to be ruined. Why didn’t he push me away? Did he have feelings for me? If he did, since when? But he didn’t do relationships. He fucked a girl and then went on to the next one. I couldn’t handle being one of those girls. All I could think about was Jack, Jack, _Jack._ But that’s when I suddenly realized something: did I have feelings for him?  
  
I quickly slipped on my shoes and walked out to where the two boys were waiting on me. My eyes immediately fell on Jack who was staring back at me. Was he overthinking this as well? Cameron got up and walked past me to the front door. When he realized that nobody was behind him he came back and looked between me and Jack.  
  
“What’s up with you guys?” He expertly raised an eyebrow.  
  
This was enough for both me and Jack to snap back to reality. I was about to respond to Cam with a ‘nothing’, but decided it was better not to. The kiss Jack and I shared wasn’t _nothing,_ as much as I wanted it to be. It was on my mind constantly when I was sitting in the passenger seat of Jack’s car, looking out of the window. My mind knew kissing Jack was terribly wrong and told me to run away while I still could, but something else inside of me wanted Jack to kiss me again. I was in a constant battle with myself.  
  
\----  
  
The wedding was beautiful. Some people shed some tears and the vows made others laugh, but I couldn’t really get into it. My mind was elsewhere. Cam had sat between me and Jack, which was a complete coincidence that I was so grateful for. I didn’t need more awkwardness between us. We hadn’t said a word to each other, not even at the reception till my aunt came towards us.  
  
“Ireland! You look so beautiful!” She gave me a hug and kissed my cheek before turning to Jack. “And who’s this?”  
  
“Umm, that’s Jack,” I introduced him.  
  
“Ooh! Is this the Jack I hear so much about!”  
  
“Uh, yeah, that’s him, I don’t know any other Jack’s in my life except Jack Daniels.”  
  
Aunt Doreen chuckled. “Well, it’s nice to finally meet your boyfriend, Ireland.”  
  
“I’m not, umm…” Jack scratched the back of his head.  
  
“He’s not my boyfriend.” I finished off for him.  
  
“Oh, what a shame. You really should get together. Ireland’s a good catch.” Doreen winked.  
  
“She’s a really cool girl. Too bad the last guy fucked it up,” Jack replied instead of staying quiet like I had expected him to.  
  
“Is that so?”  
  
“Yeah, he was a real douchebag. The guy wouldn’t shut up about his money,” I clarified  
  
“Oh, isn’t that what most girls want?”  
  
“I’m not most girls,” I laughed.  
  
“I can agree with you on that one,” Aunt Doreen smiled between me and Jack. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go talk to some other people. Nice to meet you, Jack.”  
  
“Nice to meet you too.” Jack nodded his head and Aunt Doreen left us.  
  
“How about we go sit…” I mumbled and pointed at the table Cam was sitting at.  
  
“Umm, sure.” Jack followed me and sat to my right.  
  
Cameron kept trying to make small talk, but with Jack and I not really talking to each other, it was kind of impossible. I often just hummed in response and answered with three-word sentences, while Jack never answered with more than seven, trust me I counted. Knowing Cam, I could see he wanted to ask us what was wrong and what was going on between us. But he didn’t, which was very unlike Cam. I guess he just knew it was better to leave it alone. How was I going to talk about it if I didn’t even know what was going on myself?  
  
When Cam got up to get something to drink, Jack started talking to my surprise. “So, umm, want to dance?”  
  
I shook my head and made up the worst lie that didn't even make sense considering my job. “I’m sorry, I don’t dance.”  
  
Jack nodded his head. “Oh, okay. That’s fine.”  
  
A few minutes of silence later Jack got up and walked away without saying a word. I couldn’t find out where he was going and I didn’t see a sign of him till a lot later, when the party was almost over. He was on the dance floor, slow dancing with one of my younger cousins who was 17. I was slightly disgusted by it. She was all touchy feely and I knew how Jack was. It technically wasn’t illegal, but there was still an age gap of 10 years. Jack didn’t even seem to care even though he told me he was always careful with how old the girls were. When Jack realized I was staring at them, he excused himself and came back over to me.  
  
“So, my cousin, huh?” I rocked my glass back and forth.  
  
“She’s a pretty cool kid.” Jack shrugged.  
  
“You know she’s 17, right?”  
  
“Oh god! You-- you actually thought-- oh god _no!”_ Jack made a disgusted face.  
  
“What should I think?”  
  
“She thought she had recognized me, but that there was no way. When she saw me coming out of the bathroom she realized it was me. So I started talking to her. That’s what I do, I talk to fans.”  
  
“I didn’t even know she liked your kind of music. She probably only likes it because everybody in your band is good looking.”  
  
“She was very touchy. Like, very very touchy. I mean all up in here touchy,” Jack laughed. I laughed along with him when your eyes locked. We stopped laughing and only smiled at each other. God, everything about him was perfect. Jack and I both started leaning in before we noticed what we were doing. We quickly jumped away before getting closer and sat in our seats awkwardly. The only reason we were still at this party was because we were waiting for Cam. But that didn’t last long either.  
  
“I’m going to go back to mom’s and dad’s,” Cam told us, “you guys can go home if you want.”  
  
Jack and I both nodded exhaustedly and immediately got up to say goodbye to anybody of importance. My aunt did her ‘you guys should be together’ speech again and I told my parents I would visit pretty soon. Before there were any more people that would want to start a whole new conversation, Jack and I hurried to his car.  
  
This ride was more awkward than the way to the wedding. Cam wasn’t with us to fill the silence, and the music we had playing wasn’t helping at all. Instead of going to Jack’s like we had planned, I had asked him to drop me off at the apartment instead. My excuse was being too exhausted and feeling sick from all the alcohol I drank, but we both knew that wasn’t true. I barely had had anything to drink. The situation between us right now was just too confusing to handle.  
  
Jack stopped in front of the building. “I had fun.”  
  
“Yeah, me too.” I lied.  
  
Silence consumed us. It was something that rarely happened to us, especially after we had gone out. Normally we would be telling the same stories over and over again and Jack would make the cheesiest dick jokes ever. But it wasn’t like that anymore.  
  
Jack looked like he was about to kiss me, but went for my cheek instead. He quickly pulled away. “So, umm, bye.”  
  
“Yeah, bye.” I opened the car door and hurried into the building, not looking back like I would normally do. This was really awkward.


	14. Just Shut Up

My bed was so comfortable. Nice and warm and oh so comfortable. I was never going to leave this place. My blankets were wrapped around me compensating for the hugs I no longer got from Jack. I didn’t get anything from Jack anymore. He was no longer in my life. The goodbye we said to each other haver my aunt’s wedding was goodbye forever. I had thought about calling him or showing up at his doorstep, but I knew that wasn’t going to work unless I knew how I felt and what to say. The last month, I had been trying to figure out my feelings for him, if I had any feelings. Did the kiss mean anything to him? Did our friendship mean anything to him? Obviously, it didn’t. If one kiss could make him hate me like this, he definitely didn’t care about me.  
  
The door to my bedroom opened, bright light in. I squinted my eyes to look at the silhouette and buried my head back into my large fluffy pillow.  
  
“Come on, wake up, it’s 4 pm already.” Cam carefully shook me.  
  
I groaned, “Shut up.”  
  
“You’ve barely left your room the last weeks, I even had to bring you food a couple of times.”  
  
“Ugh, what date is it?”  
  
“Thursday.”  
  
“No, not day, date.”  
  
“Oh, umm, 18th of February.”  
  
I quickly got up, accidentally hitting Cameron in the face. He screeched and quickly raised his hand to his eyes. I looked around my room in a daze before I actually realized what would be going on today.  
  
“Shit,” I mumbled.  
  
“Yeah, that was really painful,” Cam whined.  
  
“No, not that,” I pushed him away and got out of my bed, “I’m going out today.” I quickly opened my closet and looked through my closet. With barely any time left I decided to only grab my underwear and hurried to my bathroom.  
  
“Oh, ok, nice to know you care about me.”  
  
I got in the shower and quickly shaved my legs and armpits for the first time since the wedding. There was no reason for me to shave anything else, I wasn’t going to get lucky anyway. Plus, I still didn’t know if I was or wasn’t a virgin. Why would I even want to lose my virginity that day? Why was I even thinking about it? I lathered my hair, rinsed the shampoo out and turned off the water. In no time I was dried and had my underwear on. Now was the time for me to chose an outfit again. My mind still wasn’t in the mood for giving a shit, so I simply chose a gray t-shirt and light blue jeans. I wasn’t trying to impress anybody.  
  
I ran out to the kitchen and quickly grabbed an apple to eat. There were only 20 minutes till I had to be completely ready to go. I was rushing all around the loft trying to find the couple of things I really needed, of course there were also a couple things I didn’t need, but I was trying to stall everything.  
  
Cam joined me as I grabbed a glass of water. “Woah, calm down. Where are you even going?”  
  
I gulped down the water. “I told you, I’m going out.”  
  
“Oh, so Jack’s back?”  
  
“Jack who?” I tried walking past him, but he stopped me by grabbing my shoulders and moving me back to the place I was standing before.  
  
“Ok, seriously. Why aren’t you guys talking or hanging out anymore? I know for a fact that he hasn’t gone on tour yet, so don’t try using that as an excuse. You guys were acting weird at aunt Doreen’s wedding and completely ignored each other after that. What happened?”  
  
“Nothing happened.”  
  
“So why are you acting like this! Just take out your phone, and ask him to hang out. Right now.”  
  
“I can’t, I’m going on a date.”  
  
“Who?” Cameron crossed his arms.  
  
“Brian.”  
  
“That fucking asshole! You wouldn’t stop telling me how much you hated him, why the fuck would you be going out with him?!”  
  
“Because I am?”  
  
“Of course because you fucking are. You shouldn’t be going out with a guy you don’t like! Just call Jack and ask him to come on the date instead!”  
  
“Stop doing that! I don’t like Jack like that, he doesn’t like me like that either.”  
  
“At least make up with him!”  
  
“Don’t fucking tell me how to live my life!” I screamed and tried to push past him again, only this time he grabbed my wrists and pulled me back into the kitchen. If I wasn’t so angry I would have probably screamed out it pain. Cameron was pretty strong, and from experience, I knew he could really hurt me.  
  
“You keep telling me how to live mine! You hypocrite!”  
  
“That’s because you would probably have died without me!”  
  
“Stop being so selfish,” he scoffed.  
  
“I’m not being selfish, I’m being honest here. You wouldn't wake up anymore, you wouldn’t eat, you wouldn’t even move. I forced you to do all those things, so shut up!”  
  
“Well, you’re basically turning into me right now. You have been in your room the entire month.”  
  
“Yeah, so what? You did it for months. You still do it, I bet you that you didn’t even wake up until 3 pm.”  
  
“Just fucking stop, ok? You’re wasting your life!”  
  
“I am wasting my life? What about you?”  
  
“You are really turning into a bitch. Jack will never like you like that, you know. You’re just messing up everything in your life. Can’t you just for once not fuck up everything. I swear, _oh my god._ Literally everything. You’re useless, you can’t--”  
  
Cameron kept shouting but I couldn’t hear what he said anymore. I tried concentrating on his mouth, but everything still sounded muffled and blurred. It was as if I was surrounded by water. Everything in me tingled and I couldn’t control my body anymore. I was hearing things that weren’t being said, seeing things that weren’t there, feeling things that were impossible to feel, and even tasting things… _Strawberries?_ I tried to snap out of it, but nothing worked. It only got worse and worse. Cam was still shouting at me and was making wild gestures, but nothing made sense to me anymore.  
  
Before I knew it everything just switched off. I wasn’t there anymore, I was gone. The last thing I could still register was that I was falling, falling in slow motion. My head hit something, but there was no pain. There was nothing; nothing existed. I didn’t even see black. It was like I was dead and far, far gone.


	15. Wake Up

_he churning and screaming consumed my ears. I was stuck in a large dark room with no walls, ceiling, or floor. Sometimes the images would change to random environments as voices tried to enter my mind. I had been in the wilderness, next to a river, in a hospital, at a school, or just simply at a home. People I knew and didn’t know would show up in the blur I had created. This was my life now. Lost in a dark abyss._  
  
I turned around and saw Jack standing in front of me. He was the only thing here. Nothing else appeared. It was just us in this large maze with no walls. His footsteps echoed as he walked up to me. My left hand felt warm as he suddenly stopped and stared right through me. I stared right back at him. There was something about him that felt so right, yet I still did not know what to do. It was quiet, no sound coming out of either of us. I wanted to talk to him, but my mouth wouldn’t open, so I went to move, but that also didn’t happen; I was stuck.  
  
“Hey, Ireland." Jack smiled.  
  
I tried talking back but I just couldn’t. Nothing was working. I could only listen and try my best to pry open my mouth. But it felt like a weight was keeping everything stuck together, everything was glued shut.  
  
“I need you to figure out how you feel about me before you wake up.” Jack seemed so close yet so far away. I wanted nothing more to reach out and touch him.  
  
“Can you do that for me?” He suddenly disappeared and I was left alone again.  
  
The only thing I could do here was think, so why not think about Jack if that’s what he wanted?  
  
I could suddenly move again, I was only frozen when a person showed up, otherwise I was fine. Something like this had only happened once before, only then I had been stuck for a year, now it had been for only a short amount of time, or what felt pretty short compared to last time.  
  
I sat down Indian-style on the floor and propped up my head by resting my elbows on my knees. How **did** I feel about Jack? I had been avoiding the question for some time, or at least not been thinking about it properly. But there was literally nothing else to do here and it was time to face reality, even though this wasn’t reality itself. I thought about all the moments I had with Jack. At first, he really was just a friend, but there must have been a reason why I kissed him, right? Just before it happened I wanted nothing more than to have his lips on mine.  
  
I had been getting even closer to Jack. We would literally lie on top of each other in bed and wake up on opposite sides of where we both started. I felt comofrtable enough to do that. The first time I touched him I freaked out. But was it because we were now best-friend close, or more-than-friends close? I just didn’t know. It was all muddled up in my head. I didn’t do relationships, but did I like Jack? All the questions swirled around and were written out in front of me in white letters. Nothing made sense anymore.  
  
What if I thought about Jack being with other girls? I shrugged. Jack was just like that. Why would I judge him? If that’s how he was I would let him. But when I thought about him being with Abagail I got a weird feeling. It wasn’t right. She wasn’t supposed to be there. They just couldn’t, they didn’t like each other like that. That was supposed to be **me.**  
  
I stopped. Did I actually say that? Was that really how I felt? I imagined how things could be between Jack and me. We would be able to share more of those amazing kisses and we would be together, not just in the same room together but together together. A smile crept onto my lips. Maybe it wasn’t that bad, maybe I actually liked Jack. And if Jack didn’t feel the same way about me I would be able to deal with it. I wouldn’t ruin our friendship because of something like that.  
  
But our friendship was already over. He wasn’t coming back. I messed up. I had to wake up right now, I had to call him. My eyes finally began to move but wouldn’t open just yet. I was so close.   
  
\----  
  
I rolled my head to my left and managed to open my eyes slightly. It was blinding and I couldn’t see anything so I closed them again. Somebody was holding my hand, their fingers intertwined with mine. I had to notify them that I was awake. With the power I barely had, I squeezed the hand, hoping my gesture was strong enough for them to realize. There was movement and I heard shuffling before there was an unemotional hum. The movement stopped, they hadn’t realized. I let out a sigh, I didn’t have any energy to do anything else. A hand touched my face and caressed it. The fingers were callused. This was either Cameron, or… or Jack. I tried reopening my eyes and saw it was the person I hoped it would be. Jack was sitting in an uncomfortable chair and was looking in the other direction.  
  
“Jack,” I whispered in a croaking voice with barely and sound coming out.  
  
But it was enough for Jack. He snapped his head towards me and his eyes widened. “Ireland! You-- you’re awake!”  
  
I hummed in response as I slowly started getting more energy, just enough to nod my head. Jack stared me in the eyes and showed me the smile that made his eyes crinkle up. Before I knew it, he was standing up and leaning in towards me, but before his chapped lips touched mine he pulled away.  
  
“Uh… Sorry.” Jack stammered.  
  
I shook my head and managed to raise my hand so I was able to pull his face towards me. Our lips crashed together and Jack didn’t hesitate to start kissing me. My fingers were tangled in his greasy hair while his nose pressed up against my cheek. I was running out of breath pretty fast, but I didn’t want to stop. There was no time to pay attention to the details. I couldn’t think about the way his smell comforted me, or the way his fingers lightly touched my skin. The only thing in this moment was the desperation of kissing Jack.  
  
“Hey, Jack, I’ve got your coffee-- oh shit!” Cameron was barely standing in the room, stiffened up and his eyes tightly shut. Jack and I pulled away and for some apparent reason, I actually didn’t mind Cameron walking in on us. I was relieved to see him, even though the last time I actually physically saw him was when we were fighting.  
  
“Can I opened my eyes?” Cam slowly lowered the one hand he had raised up to his chest.  
  
“Of course you can. Now give me my coffee.” Jack reached out for the cup and quickly took sips of the hot drink. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks and really needed the caffeine boost. Suddenly he looked up in realization and stopped drinking. “I should probably call the nurse.” He stretched out to push a red button that was close to my bed. If I could have pressed it by myself I would have, but the last of my energy was gone. All I wanted was to sleep.  
  
Cameron finally answered the question I had been wanting to ask. “You’ve only been out for 4 days. You, umm, had a seizure… it was pretty bad…”  
  
A seizure. I hadn’t had them in ages. They had started after my coma and they started becoming more frequent. I was put on medication and after a couple months I was in the clear. It was pretty weird. My doctor told me they wouldn’t come back, but something happened and I had one while Cam and I were fighting. It did declare why I felt like complete and utter shit though.  
  
Val walked in holding a clipboard and smiled at me. “Hey Ireland, how are you doing?”  
  
I tried talking, but nothing came out. So I sloppily signed out that my throat was too dry. She nodded and asked Jack to help me sit up before handing me a plastic cup of water. I carefully but quickly drank it, not minding the burning sensation in my throat.  
  
“I’m fine, just a bit all over the place,” I croaked out in a quiet voice.  
  
“You’ll probably feel better after getting some sleep, which I’m happy to tell you, you get to do at home. So, you’re going to have to take your medication again, as I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to be a one-time thing. I want to go against it as soon as possible. I’ve got the two things you need here.” She placed two bottles of pills on my bedside table. “One is a daily dose, and the other is for emergencies when you feel seizures coming up.” She proceeded to tell me the exact doses I had to take. I was glad Cam and Jack were here because everything she said didn’t register. The only thing I remembered was the last thing she said, that I was to stay here for a couple more hours before it was 100% sure that I was allowed to go home.  
  
Val left and I slowly scootched down in my bed so I was lying down again. I grabbed Jack’s arm and cuddled around it. Jack chuckled and kissed my cheek as my eyes began feeling heavy. I didn’t care if this would eventually get uncomfortable for Jack, he would be able to carefully move his arm out of my grasp later on.  
  
“Ok guys, sorry to interrupt, but how long has this been going on for? Last thing I remember was Ireland going to go on a date with that Brian guy,” Cameron piped up. I snorted when he mentioned Brian. There was no way I actually wanted to go on a date with him and I didn’t want Jack to get the wrong idea. Apparently, he didn’t because he ran his fingers through my hair and brushed away anything that fell into my face.  
  
“I don’t think Ireland is able to answer this,” Jack replied, “so I guess I will, but I don’t really have an answer. Let’s just say something happened and then what happened when you walked in happened. I think I’ll leave details out until Ireland can also talk, she might have her own idea of the whole thing.”  
  
I nodded and snuggled against Jack’s arm, trying to get as close as I could. The last thing I remembered was Jack kissing my forehead and him telling me to go to sleep. Cameron’s and Jack murmuring low voices lulled me to sleep.


	16. Palmoplantar Hyperhidrosis

Cameron entered the hospital room again. It was currently 5 pm and I was ready to leave this place. I had spent a lot of time at hospitals, yet I always hated them. There was something about the smell that gave me the creeps. Strangely enough, it didn’t really faze me that a lot of people had died in the building. Everything was just too sterile and clean. It didn’t feel right.  
  
“So, I signed you out. The only thing you still have to do is choose if you want to go home or stay with Jack,” Cameron stood at the end of the bed.  
  
I looked over at Jack who had hopeful eyes and grinned at me goofily, “I think I’ll stay with Jack.”  
  
Cameron nodded, “ok, I think I’ll go home then and clean up all the broken stuff in the kitchen…”  
  
“I broke stuff?”  
  
“Umm, yeah. You kinda hit a shelf on your way down.”  
  
It totally explained the random scratches and bruises I had which definitely weren’t from me hitting the ground. Cam told me that I had hit a shelf with some glasses on it so there was a lot of glass on the floor, which he hadn’t been able to clean up yet as he hadn’t gone home since I was admitted to the hospital. Apparently both Jack and Cam had stayed here the entire time. When Cam was sent to the waiting room while they did tests on me, he had panicked and called Jack, which I guess was eventually a good thing. I didn’t know exactly what Jack and I were, but at least we were reunited and friends again.  
  
I watched Cameron leave and turned to Jack, “Can you help me up?”  
  
Jack nodded and stretched out his arms for me to take. After he pulled me up he quickly planted a kiss on my lips. If it weren’t for the fact that I was in a hospital gown, meaning my butt was exposed, I would have totally deepened his kiss, but I let him only peck me. I told Jack to turn around before turning to the pile of clothes Cam had brought along before he chased down the ambulance. Since he had quickly taken clothes in a matter of seconds, he had forgotten to bring some things and brought a weird choice of clothes. Sweatpants were fine, panties were fine too, but a tight shirt without a bra was not. Of course Cam wouldn’t bring a bra, he wouldn’t dare touch those, well only if they were mine.  
  
“Aww fuck,” I mumbled.  
  
“What? Is everything ok? Can I turn around?” Jack rushed out.  
  
I wrapped my arms around myself so Jack wouldn’t be able to see anything, “sure, you can turn around, but don’t laugh. Cam forgot to bring me a bra and it isn’t really working.” Another problem about having big breasts. First of all you can’t find dresses, second of all you can’t wear a tight (or any) shirts without a bra. Literally everything could be seen.  
  
Jack looked at me, my arms obviously not really hiding anything, and blushed. “Umm… here take my hoodie,” He took off the black clothing article and handed it to me. I quickly put it on and zipped it up. Although I was only like 5 inches shorter than him, the sleeves still reached just over my finger tips.  
  
“Sorry about that,” I mumbled at I put my shoes on and tied the laces.  
  
“It’s ok, you’ve seen me naked before, this isn’t anything near as bad as that,” Jack smiled.  
  
“But still… I don’t really feel comfortable, not even around Cam or my parents.”  
  
Jack wrapped his arms around me and looked down, “Well, I think you're beautiful and shouldn’t be ashamed of your body.”  
  
“It’s not that,” I untangled from his embrace and collected my pills and anything else I had to take with me, “I don’t care what other people think about me, especially my appearance. I just have this weird thing about showing anything, I don’t know why… Let’s just go.”  
  
Jack nodded. He obviously wanted to ask me more questions, but didn’t. I was grateful for that, because I would honestly not know how to answer them, it was probably a thing from my past that I couldn’t remember yet still stayed with me. As we started walking Jack tried to hold my hand, but I quickly janked it away. I looked up at him, hoping I hadn’t made him upset, but I clearly did. He had quickly looked away from me when our eyes met and he was staring at the ground with a solemn look.  
  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” I apologized, “I just have palmoplantar hyperhidrosis which means my hands are constantly sweaty. I’ve had it since I was really young, and people always get grossed out by it.”  
  
“You have a lot of medical problems, don’t you?” Jack chuckled and grabbed my hand anyway. I was waiting for his reaction, but he didn’t do anything, but kept on walking while holding my hand. He only let go after to help me into his car, even though I had told him I was fine and could do everything by myself.  
  
I snuggled into the leather seat that I had been in so many times. Jack’s car was a whole lot better than Cam’s. This car wasn’t as beat up and old, but that was probably also because Jack rarely used it since he was on tour most days of the year. Cameron still had the car he had gotten in high school. Back then it was pretty awesome because it was a brand new car that nobody had at school, but now it was just another car on the road. Now, don’t get me wrong, Cam’s car didn’t look bad or anything, it just didn’t have leather seats and all the accessories Jack’s had. Cameron really did take care of his car, but since he had gotten lazier, he didn’t clean it as often anymore. He only did it when I forced him to. The seats had smudges of sand and the floors weren’t the tidiest, but it still worked perfectly, so I wasn’t complaining, nor was he.  
  
“I can’t wait to take a shower,” Jack chuckled as he took a right, “I didn’t care in the hospital, but I really feel disgusting right now. I probably smell really bad.”  
  
I tried laughing, but I only breathed out louder through my nose that normal, like the laugh you would do if you saw something funny on the internet. It wasn’t what I wanted to sound like, but I couldn’t change that anymore.  
  
“Are you ok?” Jack briefly looked at me before turning back to the road.  
  
“Yeah, just exhausted,” I rested my head against the window and let the cool glass lower my temperature. I had a mild fever, but the doctors told me it would be gone the next day, I was just too fatigued for my body to function properly.  
  
“Hmm, well it’s 6 pm already and we’re almost home, so how about we order something to eat, take a shower, and then go to bed? I’m pretty tired myself.”  
  
I nodded and watched out of the window. The sun had just set and everything felt normal. That was until something unexpected happened. We neared Jack’s house and I saw 2 cars parked in the driveway. Somebody was at his house and I didn’t know who. I wasn’t ready to meet any people.  
  
“Umm… Jack…” I panicked, “What were you doing before you left for the hospital when Cameron called you?”  
  
“I was hanging out with my friends,” Jack answered.  
  
“Well I think they’re still here.”  
  
“That’s probably because I quickly left the house without giving a reason… They must have been so confused where I disappeared to…”  
  
“Jack,” I whined.  
  
“Relax, it’s just my friends.”  
  
“I don’t want to meet them when I look like this.” _and when I don’t know what we are_ I thought.  
  
“Ok, fine, I can’t drive up on my driveway anyway, I’ll just call them.”  
  
Jack literally called one of his friends and told them to ‘fucking get out of my driveway, there’s no space for me’ and then hung up the voice. It definitely earned a giggle out of me, making Jack smile a toothy grin. I was glad Jack was back in my life; I was laughing again and, although I felt tired, I felt energetic around him. It was something about his personality that got everybody hyped up.  
  
As we were waiting for his friends to come out, I suddenly felt really dizzy, “um, Jack do you mind it I get out? I’m feeling a bit, um, weird.”  
  
“Yeah, sure,” He unlocked the car by pressing a button, “just be careful, I don’t want you to crack open your head on the road.”  
  
I nodded and carefully got out of the car before hurrying to the sidewalk and sitting down. The world around me was spinning and I tried to steady it by hiding my head in between my legs. I heard cars starting up and driving around. There were voices and one of the cars left, while the others were still running close to me. One moved up the driveway to the right of me and the other was still humming in front of me.  
  
“Yo, Jack, are you going to be ok?” A voice called out; a voice that I had heard before.  
  
Footsteps came hurrying but stopped a couple of feet away from me, “Yep, everything’s fine. Don’t worry.”  
  
“One day I will find out what happened. You can hide it for now, but not forever.”  
  
The car disappeared and I felt Jack’s arms wrapped around me before I was hoisted up into the air. My head was still disoriented and the only thing that helped was closing my eyes.  
  
“Come on, let’s get you inside,” Jack cooed.  
  
\----  
  
I had had another seizure, but luckily I was safely in Jack’s home. When I had ‘woken up’ Jack was there with me and made sure I felt protected and secure. The only problem now was that Jack wouldn’t leave me out of his eyesight. He was terrified that something would happened to me. I assured him it was highly unlikely for me to have another one so soon, but he replied by arguing that it was only highly unlikely and so still possible. All I could think about was how badly I agreed to what Jack had said in the car. I really wanted to take a shower.  
  
“Jack,” I caught his attention from the movie he had put on, “can I please take a shower?”  
  
“Yeah, sure,” He took my hand and leaded me into his bedroom before open the door to his bathroom. I didn’t know exactly what he was thinking, but it was definitely not what I had in mind.  
  
“And I mean alone.”  
  
“But-”  
  
“I’ll keep the door unlocked and open. You can keep talking to me the entire time, but don’t look at me. If I suddenly stop talking you can come in.”  
  
Jack thought about it for a while before nodding, “why are you so uncomfortable with showing me your body?”  
  
“I’m uncomfortable with showing anybody my body, remember,” I corrected him, “Now, can you give me something to sleep in, because this is way too uncomfortable.”  
  
Jack took out the same shirt that I had worn the same time I had stayed the night here, and also pulled out a pair of his boxers for me to wear as well. I thanked him and went to go into his bathroom, but he turned me back around and lifted my chin. Jack slowly leaned forward and moved his lips against mine in a slow pace. It was short and sweet, yet full of passion; it could still go in any direction, and I decided which one I wanted it to go.  
  
“You chose the wrong girl to have a one night stand with,” I pulled away and smirked.  
  
“Darn it, I only wanted to be your friend so we could have sex,” Jack joked along.  
  
“Well, that’s too bad, loverboy. Now turn around so I can shower.”  
  
Jack pouted and tried to do puppy dog eyes, but it wasn’t going to work even though it was very cute. I shook my head and trod into the bathroom. He playfully groaned and puffed, “fine. One day I’ll see you naked though.”  
  
“Maybe one day, but today is not the day,” I checked one last time if Jack wasn’t looking. He was sitting on the bed with his back towards me and I started undressing.  
  
Jack and I talked the entirety of my shower. It was mainly me telling him about all the things I had seen while I was in my super short coma, except for the last part which woke me up. I described the mountain range I had often seen from a beautiful lake. Ice was cracking on the chilly water and the sharp gray rocks had a thin layer of snow of them. I had never been cold in the scene while it was common sense that I would have been in real life.  
  
When it was Jack’s turn to shower, he immediately got undressed as he was walking past me and into the bathroom. I had seen him butt naked once again and he didn’t seem to mind. For some reason I felt like it was going to happen a lot more. He really had no shame and now that we had kissed it was like an extra confidence boost. Jack really was a crazy guy, but I liked that about him. I guess I could use a bit more crazy in my life.


	17. Pretty Impressive

I woke up to Jack holding me closely against his chest, much closer than he used to. Our legs were tangled together and somehow we had managed to switch sides of the bed again. We really had a weird talent for that. You would think we would realise during the night and quickly go back to our normal positions, but we didn’t. Either we just didn’t notice or didn’t feel like moving because we were already very comfortable.  
  
I checked the clock and saw that it was 11 am. We had been asleep for at least 13 hours. Going to bed that early was a one time thing, or was probably going to be a one time thing. Normally we would stay awake until 2 am before thinking about going to bed, but this time we were so fatigued and exhausted that we had fallen asleep really early.  
  
Jack’s grip around me was pretty tight, but not tight enough for me to be stuck until I woke him up or he woke up himself. I carefully moved his arms off of me and got up before making way way down the stairs and into the kitchen. I knew my way around this place like it was my own; I didn’t have any trouble finding things I needed from the cupboards. Jack probably didn’t even know his own kitchen as well as I did.  
  
I look out a box of the first cereal I could find and poured into a white bowl. When I was nearly done I felt some arms snake around my waist and some lips touching my neck. Soft kisses were placed up and down as I melted into his touch. I put the box down as Jack started making his way up to my jawline.  
  
“This is really weird,” I squirmed as his fingers tickled my sides.  
  
“Oh,” Jack froze and stopped what he was doing, “you don’t want to do this?”  
  
I quickly turned around so I was facing him, “no, no, no, no. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that we have been friends for such a long time that it’s different to suddenly act around each other like this. This also is, like, my first relationship thing, I guess, in my mind, so I don’t exactly know what to do. And I’m just messing everything up.”  
  
Jack chuckled and shook his head, “You’re rambling. It’s ok, you just made up for it by confessing your feeling.”  
  
“I did not confess my feelings!”  
  
“Ah, so there are feelings.”  
  
“Stop messing with my mind! And yes, there might or might not be any feelings, I wouldn’t be ok with you kissing me otherwise, would I?”  
  
“Hmm, I think it will be ok to ask you to be my girlfriend then.” Jack looked at me with hopeful eyes and a smirk. He actually wanted me to be his girlfriend? Why would he want that! We both didn’t do relationships, we hadn’t been on any dates together. How did we know that this wouldn’t result in a break up in a matter of days! He also wouldn’t want a girlfriend, he likes one night stands too much. Jack wouldn’t give that up to be with one girl. Was he playing a joke on me right now?  
  
Apparently I had been quiet for way too long because Jack started stuttering, “I- I guess we could also stay best friends. That would also be ok, right? That would be fine. I mean, I don’t mind.”  
  
“Jack?” I cocked my head to the side, “How long have you, umm, had feelings for me?”  
  
“Umm, I- I never said that. We are j- just best friends, right? It’s nothing like that.”  
  
“Jack! I just practically admitted that I liked you, why are you freaking out? Just take a deep breath, calm down, and tell me.” I held onto his arms and motioned for him to breathe in deeply by doing it myself.  
  
Jack took a couple of seconds and finally nodded his head, “for a while now. A couple of days before I slept with Abagail, actually…”  
  
“What?” I whispered, “why did you sleep with her then?”  
  
“I thought it was just me acting silly… Sleeping with other girls didn’t help, so I thought maybe doing it with Abagail would straighten me out.”  
  
“You slept with my best friend because of me?”  
  
“No, that wasn’t the only reason, but it doesn’t matter. When I finally had the chance to kiss you, I took it.”  
  
“And then you stopped talking to me for a month,” I pointed out.  
  
“Because I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do, it just made me realise that my feelings were real and not some crazy imagination, as weird as that sounds. You know I’m not the guy for relationships, so I was freaking out. And then I suddenly remembered that you made clear that you didn’t do relationships and it just made it worse. I needed some space to think about it. I even tried having sex, but it didn’t feel right. I haven’t had sex for 3 weeks, Ireland, 3 weeks!”  
  
“Oh wow, I’m impressed, that’s a long time,” I said honestly.  
  
“Literally everything around me is turning me on. You don’t know how difficult it is for me to not get a boner right now.”  
  
“During a serious conversation?”  
  
“Yes! Something is seriously fucking wrong with me!”  
  
I interrupted him by pulling his face towards mine and pressing my lips against his as hard as I could. Jack was shocked and didn’t do anything before finally getting into it and kissing me back. I wrapped my other arm around his neck as well while he moved his hands back to my waist. This was exactly like the first kiss me shared, but a lot less gentle. Our movements were filled with desire and lust as we were giving each other our last breath. I knew this could quickly turn into something else, especially with Jack’s little ‘problem’. So I seperated from him, but not before giving him a quick peck.  
  
I caught my breath, “Even though it’s pretty early and there is a possibility that this will go horribly wrong: yes, I will be your girlfriend.”  
  
The corner of Jack’s eyes wrinkled up and he gave me the biggest smile ever, “really?”  
  
I nodded, but push Jack away when he went for another kiss, “If we are going to start again it will never stop. I want to eat my cereal and you probably want to fix what going on down there.”  
  
Jack pouted, “but I want it to go on forever. But ok, fine.”  
  
I held on to him for a bit longer when realisation hit me. I hadn’t thought of what was going through my mind before I had agreed. Since Jack was still practically attached to me, I leaned forward and groaned, “Now I’m going to have to shave, ugh. Ok, no, you know what, I’ll do it more frequently, but I’m not shaving down there. No way, been there done that, I hate it.”  
  
He chuckled, “Why not?”  
  
“Umm, that’s pretty obvious. It’s difficult, you get ingrown hairs even though you do it the way that should make sure you don’t, and it fucking itches. I’m not going through that again.”  
  
“Is it really that bad?”  
  
“Yes it is! Never again! Never! Now go, your boner is poking me and I’m hungry.”  
  
He started walking away, when I called him back one last time, “was that one time you you-knowed while thinking about me when you already liked me?”  
  
“Which time?” He was being completely serious.  
  
“No, Jack! No, no, no, no, no! I thought it was a one time thing because I just happened to interrupt you!”  
  
“Well, it obviously wasn’t. Plus, I’m going to be doing it again right now.”  
  
“No! My innocent ears!” I covered my ears and slid down on to the floor, trying to make it as dramatic as possible. Why couldn’t Jack just act like it was a one time thing. I really didn’t want to know how many times he did it and when he did it. Now I was going to have to eat my cereal with this though stuck in my mind the entire time.  
  
“Shut up,” Jack chuckled, “you’re not innocent, you’ve been around me for too long.”


	18. Late Valentine's?

Who knew that Jack and I would go from being best friends to not talking to being in a relationship? I mean, I was actually lying on top of him with my face buried in his neck, while he had his arms wrapped around me loosely and occasionally kissed my cheek. If you would have asked me a couple of months ago if I would have been cuddling with a guy in a romantic way or that I was actually in a relationship, I would have laughed right in your face. I didn’t know I was capable of having these feelings; I even considered me being asexual, but that was ruled out now. Jack was definitely attractive, I had just never look at him like that before.  
  
“Jack?” I mumbled and nuzzled further into his warm skin and smell.  
  
“Hmm?” He slowly moved his hands up and down, tracing my spine in the process.  
  
“I need to tell you something.”  
  
“I need to tell you something as well.”  
  
“You go first,” I sat up so I was straddling him and Jack soon followed me. He kept a hold of my waist and grinned at me, making me wonder what was going on in his mind.  
  
“I don’t know how you’ll react…” He suddenly seemed really interested in playing with the ends of my hair.  
  
“Neither do I,” I joked, urging him to continue.  
  
“Promise me you won’t overreact and get upset?”  
  
“I can’t promise that if I don’t know what it is. If you tell me you just murdered my brother I would go crazy and definitely be upset, but if it’s just you telling me you ate the last cookie, I’ll be fine.”  
  
Jack pressed his lips against mine for a couple of seconds before looking me in the eye, “Well, I- I’m… I’m going on tour again next week….”  
  
“Oh, really? That’s great! When are you leaving?”  
  
“Umm… Tuesday…?”  
  
I grinned at him, “Why did you think I would get upset? You’re doing what you love and you’re living your dream. Why would I get in the way of that?”  
  
“Well, we just got together, I didn’t want you to think I was leaving you already.”  
  
“I’m used to it, though; I’ve grown up with it. My dad was rarely home, still is, but I still love him. I know he wouldn’t leave us, so why would you? The only problem you have now is that you can no longer fuck random girls while on tour.”  
  
“Oh. I thought we had an open relationship going on here,” Jack pulled a jesting confused face and leaned back a bit while pointing between us.  
  
“Yeah, ‘cause you’ll be fucking a new girl every day and I’ll just be here like ‘who want’s to date a potato?’”  
  
“Well, I do. And I think you’re a very cute potato.” He bopped my nose. I never expected Jack to be so cheesy and cute in a relationship. For some reason, I thought he wouldn’t be so loving, but I still liked it. I chuckled and shook my head.  
  
“What are you thinking about?” Jack nudged.  
  
“Nothing… Just that you should never feed me potatoes because I really hate them. My mom would also try to get me to eat them, but it would never work.”  
  
"So you don’t like fries!”  
  
“Of course I do, but that’s deep fried. Anything deep fried is good.”  
  
“True… Now, what were you going to tell me.”  
  
I didn’t want to ruin his mood, especially before he went on tour. He would be constantly worried. I couldn’t tell him, “It doesn’t matter.”  
  
“Yes, it does.”  
  
I sighed, “no it doesn’t. You’ll just be worried. It’s nothing.”  
  
“Now I certainly want to know, if it’s going to make me worry.”  
  
I groaned and leaned into his body, I didn’t want to tell him anymore. It was embarrassing, but I wasn’t going to get out of it. Whenever I would shrug something off, Jack would force me to tell him. He would literally do anything. At one point he even sat on me and didn’t get off till I told him. No, it didn’t matter that I couldn’t breathe, he just wanted to know.  
  
“Ok, but don’t get worried or mad. I told Val about it, and I know I should have told you before, but there was already so much going on. I didn’t want to make shit worse.” I didn’t dare look him in the eyes. I was terrified to see what he thought.  
  
“Ireland, you’re scaring me right now,” Jack gulped and forced me to look at him.  
  
“Remember the panic attack I had--”  
  
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that…”  
  
“No, that’s exactly it. It wasn’t because of you, something else had happened. I was feeling sick, and I threw up, which you probably noticed.”  
  
“I figured that happened, but I wasn’t sure.”  
  
“Well, I threw up blood, and before you say anything, I told Val the day after. At the hospital, she told me it was probably linked to my seizures coming back. So she wants to run some tests, my first one being, also, next week Tuesday.”  
  
Jack looked at me with shocked eyes, “you threw up blood!”  
  
“Yeah, but it’s fine. Please, Jack, don’t worry.”  
  
“How can I not worry!”  
  
I tried assuring him, “I’ll have a couple of appointments. Don’t worry before they know what’s wrong with me. Either Cam or my parents will drive me, stay at the hospital with me, and drive me home.”  
  
Jack frowned, “I should be there with you; I should be able to drive you. I-- I can’t go on tour!”  
  
“No, Jack, you can. Cam has already gone through everything with me, so have my parents. If I get to know anything, I’ll tell you. Don’t let me stop your dreams.”  
  
“But we won’t be able to see each other for three weeks! I don’t have enough days off to come here, and you can’t visit me because you’re not allowed on planes yet.”  
  
“You’re gone for three weeks? That’s not that much. There will be times when you’re gone for even longer. We were able to go through a month without talking to each other. This will be fine. I trust you.”  
  
“But… If I had been sooner none of this might have happened.” Jack stammered and was looking at me frantically.  
  
“Jack, that’s not how it works. It’s my health. I’m not doing so well. My body made this decision, not me, not you, nor anybody else out there.”  
  
“But we would have been together for longer. We might have even been spending Valentine’s Day together.”  
  
Realization suddenly hit me, I had totally forgotten, “Shit! I missed Valentine’s Day!”  
  
Jack looked confused, yet relieved that the topic had changed, “What’s so bad about that?”  
  
“Since I was nine, my mom and I have always been each other’s Valentines. We always exchange gifts! I totally forgot! Shit!”  
  
“Do you have a gift for her?”  
  
“No…” I pouted. I had never forgotten, as far as I knew. My mom was probably confused and upset that I didn’t show up. The last couple of days I had only made people feel bad and sad. This was fucked up, I was fucked up.  
  
“How about we go buy something right now and go visit your mom straight after. It’s only 1 pm. We have time,” Jack suggested with a smile.  
  
“But I don’t have any money.”  
  
“I do. I’ll pay for it.”  
  
“I’ll pay you back, I promise.”  
  
“Don’t worry about that. But we should probably go now. So, go get changed.”  
  
Yes, that was right. I hadn’t bothered to change yet. Surprisingly, Jack had actually taken his time to put on some normal clothes, but then again his pajamas were basically only boxers. I was just too comfortable in his clothes. There was something about wearing a guy’s clothes that is so pleasant and comforting.  
  
“But I don’t wanna! I like wearing this too much,” I whined like a small child.  
  
“Keep on the shirt, take one of my hoodies, and put on your jeans.”  
  
I bit my lip as if I was taking a while to think, “Ok,” I jumped up and scurried to Jack’s bedroom where everything I needed was. After quickly pulling up my jeans, I rummaged through Jack’s closet and grabbed the first hoodie I could find: a zip up hoodie that was gray with black on the bottom. It looked comfortable enough, so I put it on and zipped it up just high enough. I wanted to cover up my chest, but I also didn’t want to suffocate myself. You know, the typical stuff.  
  
I ran back down the stairs, “Is this hoodie ok?”  
  
Jack came around the corner from the kitchen while eating a cookie and holding another in his hands, “yeah, everything’s fine. You could even take my favorite leather jacket, and I wouldn’t mind.”  
  
“Oh no, I’m not special enough to even dream about touching the leather jacket. And don’t expect to get this hoodie back.”  
  
“That’s fine with me,” Jack shrugged and gave me the second cookie. I did not know where the cookies appeared from or why he was eating it. But it was a freaking cookie. Who declines a cookie! Well, maybe people who are allergic to gluten or something. But I wasn’t allergic, so why would I decline it?  
  
“I was just kidding, I’ll make sure to give it back.” I slowly made my way to the front door and started putting on my high top white converse. Don’t ever make the mistake of buying white converse, they get dirty in no time.  
  
“Do whatever you want with it,” Jack already had his shoes and coat on, “wait, do you have your medication?”  
  
My eyes went wide and I shook my head. Jack told me to continue with my shoes while he went to get it. I had to be a lot more careful; I couldn’t afford to forget taking my medicine. Bad things could happen if I didn’t take it. Maybe I didn’t exactly know what would happen, but I also didn’t want to find out.  
  
\-----  
  
We decided to go to target to buy my mom a gift. The gifts were never fancy or special, they were supposed to be funny and maybe useful. I ended up getting her a weird cookbook with many funny recipes. She really liked cooking and in her free time she would be trying out new meals and recipes. My parents’ house was only 10 minutes away, so we got there in no time. The car pulled up on the familiar driveway and way able to park just to the right of the front door. Jack turned off the engine and turned to me.  
  
“Is it just your mom at home?” He asked and took his keys out of the ignition.  
  
I nodded, “yeah, my dad’s been in Japan the last couple of weeks, which I why I feel extra bad about forgetting.”  
  
“We’re here now, so don’t feel bad anymore,” he gave me a quick kiss and exited the car.  
  
I did the same and thought about what I was going to tell my mom. Were Jack and I going to tell her about our relationship already? Or were we going to wait it out for a bit? Maybe it wouldn’t even come up, so I didn’t have to worry about it. But Cameron had probably told her about what happened at the hospital. I was just going to let my mom bring it up, and if she didn’t, I had nothing to worry about.  
  
Jack grabbed my hand once again before we walked up to the large wooden double door. I waited to see if he had some kind of reaction to the clamminess of my hands, but there was nothing. Jack just moved forward with me and let me ring the doorbell. I just hoped my mom would open the door soon because it was cold outside and I did not have a coat.  
  
I heard the door unlock and soon my mom opened the door. She grinned from ear to ear when she saw me, causing me to smile back.  
  
“Ireland! I wasn’t expecting you! How are you?” She sounded delighted.  
  
“Hi, I’m cold, please let me inside,” I let go of Jack’s hand and hugged myself. My mom’s sight lingered where mine and Jack’s hands had been intertwined. She then looked back up to me and smiled again before stepping aside and letting us inside.  
  
“If you had told me you were cold, I would have given you my coat,” Jack said after my mom had closed the door behind him.  
  
“It was a short distance, literally no more than 10 feet. I was fine.”  
  
“But-”  
  
I slapped my hand over his mouth before he could start. We would only argue about who was right if another word were to come out of his mouth. I was not going to do that right now, it would probably be brought up later, though. So that was something to look forward to.  
  
I sighed, “Jack, licking my hand won’t help. I have a brother, I’m trained. Things like this don’t faze me,” he stopped and started doing something else, “biting also won’t help.” After a couple more seconds and Jack not doing anything anymore, I removed my hand and stared at it. I was going to have to wash it before I did anything else.  
  
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to come to the hospital,” My mom apologized, “I’ve been so busy, and when I came over to your apartment, Cam told me you weren’t there.”  
  
“Yeah, I was staying over at Jack’s… and I now have his spit all over my hand. Excuse me while I go wash it off,” as I made my way to the bathroom, I heard my mom and Jack talking. My parents really liked Jack for some weird reason. At first, it was a pretty cool that they liked my best friend, but now it was extra nice because Jack didn’t have to worry about meeting my parents anymore. Me, on the other hand, had never met Jack’s parents and didn’t know what would happen if I did.  
  
After I had thoroughly washed my hands, I entered the living room, which was attached to the kitchen. The entire room was filled with the sweet aroma of baked goods. My mom had probably been experimenting with cakes again, as weird as that sounds…  
  
I found Jack sitting on one end of the large couch, and my mom sitting on the living room chair adjacent to it. There were talking about some random subject that I could not make out and went to sit down next to Jack. Bare in mind that that was the idea, however, Jack pulled me into his lap instead and hugged me tightly.  
  
“Jack. Can’t. Breathe.” I panted while he was squeezing the air out of my lungs.  
  
He kept crushing me until he finally thought I had been deprived of enough air, “have you taken your medication yet?”  
  
I shook my head, “you have it, remember?”  
  
Jack shifted so he could get the bottle of pills out of his back pocket and gave them to me.  
  
“You sat on these, ew,” I scrunched up my face.  
  
“You’re sitting on me, ew,” Jack retorted.  
  
I stuck my tongue out at him and looked at the tall glass of water standing on the coffee table, “Is this yours?”  
  
“Yup.”  
  
I shrugged and opened the bottle, taking out the correct dosage. With Jack’s glass of water, I quickly washed them down and almost finished the whole glass. The pills were really disgusting and had started dissolving in my mouth, leaving a bitter powdery taste in my mouth.  
  
“I thought that was vodka! What am I even here for!” I sighed melodramatically.  
  
“You just finished my glass of water,” Jack pouted.  
  
I chuckled and kissed the pout away, “I’ll get you a new one,” I took the glass with me to the kitchen.  
It took me a couple of steps before I realized what I had done. I had kissed Jack in front of my mom without even thinking. At least I no longer had to find a way to tell my mom that Jack and I were now together. She was probably so confused and I didn’t blame her. I had always insisted that Jack and I were just friends and didn’t have feelings for each other, but now I was showing the complete opposite.  
  
I took a new glass out of the cupboard for Jack and filled it up with water. The oven was on and I saw 2 different cakes were being baked. I had no idea how my mom was planning on eating those. She always made a ton of food, yet it would always be finished in a couple of days, or she would bring it to the homeless shelter. As a small child, I would always help my mom with baking or cooking and then join along when she would bring it away. I didn’t grow up like your typical rich kid. Yes, I would sometimes get amazing gifts for my birthday or Christmas, but I wouldn’t just randomly get the newest technology or toy. Cam and I were taught to save up our pocket money and spend it wisely. The only time we were both given a ‘rich kid’ gift was when we both passed our driving test and both got a car. We went to different schools on opposite sides of the neighborhood, so we couldn’t drive each other. Cam would already take a right at the end of the road while I took a left. Whenever I drove to school in my new car, I felt really bad. There were kids that weren’t even lucky enough to drive their parents’ car and there I was in a brand new car for everyone to see. I only remembered the first time I drove to school with my car. Everybody was looking and I felt embarrassed. After that, my memory was a blur and gone. The only other thing I remembered about my car was giving it to a friend’s family who had just lost their car after I had left school.  
  
I placed the glasses on the coffee table and sat down next to Jack, “Hey, mom, we actually came here because I missed Valentine’s Day and I feel terrible because of it.”  
  
My mom shook her head and laughed, “it’s ok. I actually have a gift for you, so you’re lucky.”  
  
“We have one as well, but it’s still in the car…”  
  
“I’ll go get it,” Jack smiled and stood up while getting his car keys out of his pocket.  
  
My mom got the gift from a wooden cabinet in the same room, “So, you and Jack, huh? How long?”  
  
I blushed and snuggled into the couch as if it would hide me, “Umm… let me think. 4 hours now? That’s impressive right?”  
  
She chuckled and sat back down on the living room chair, “Very. That’s the longest relationship you’ve had in awhile.”  
  
“I know, right? I’m pretty proud of myself.”  
  
“Well, are you happy?”  
  
“I’m still getting used to it, but yeah. He makes me happy so far. I didn’t know before, but I really do like him. And now I get to wear comfortable clothes.”  
  
“I figured those were Jack’s. You guys’ kind of already gave away that you are in a relationship with you wearing his clothes, holding his hand, and the way you guys look at each other.”  
  
“We look at each other differently?”  
  
“For you, it’s something new, but he’s been looking at you like that for a while, honey.”  
  
“I know, mom.”  
  
Jack entered the room again, “I swear, this place is like a maze. If I hadn’t been here before so often, I would have definitely gotten lost.”  
  
My mom agreed with a laugh, “we moved here when Cam and Ireland were 5 years old. I remember finding Ireland crying in the laundry room because she couldn’t find her way back to the living room. She had been in there for 2 hours and told me she was afraid that I would never find her and that she would be brought to a foster home.”  
  
“Mom!” I gasped, “you didn’t have to tell him that!”  
  
“Yes she did,” Jack smirked, “it’s adorable.”  
  
“I’ll have you know that I vividly remember that. It was terrifying. I still get nightmares.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“No, you asshat! But I do remember it.”  
  
“You’re so mean to me!”  
  
“Deal with it,” I took the gift from him and gave it to my mom. She thanked me and Jack and I urged her to open it. After she finally unwrapped it, she flipped through and laughed at some of the recipes. The gift was a success, which always made me happy.  
  
My mom had given me a large reusable water bottle, which made Jack freak out. He had some bad memories of the cold water I would often take to bed with me. Whenever he wouldn’t wake up or was just simply being annoying and an asshole, I would pour some on him. It would then result in me running away quickly and Jack trying to catch me. Eventually, we would end up on the floor, laughing loudly together.  
  
The conversation started again, and we somehow started talking about Jack and All Time Low, when I realized I had no clue who actually was in All Time Low. Well, I knew about Jack, but not about the other guys.  
  
“Who else is actually in your band?” I asked while looking up at Jack. I had slowly migrated to lying down on the couch with my head in his lap. Don’t ask me how it happened, because I literally had no idea.  
  
“Umm, you have Alex, Rian, and Zack. I’ll show you a photo. Haven’t you ever googled me?” Jack chuckled and took out his phone.  
  
“No, why would I google you? That’s just weird.”  
  
“It probably is a good thing. You find really weird things about me, it’s mostly about my past relationship with Holly or the rumor about me dating Abigail Breslin, not purple hair Abagail.”  
  
“That’s not that bad,” I shrugged.  
  
“Well, you can also find rumors on social media about us dating. But they don’t know it’s you because I never showed your face in any of the photos or videos of us. Anyway, here’s a ton of google image results,” He handed me his phone and pointed out the guys one by one, “that’s Rian, Zack, and Alex.”  
  
I stared at the picture for a while. Something wasn’t right, “that Zack guy looks really familiar…”  
  
“Really? Weird.”  
  
“Let me take a look,” my mom reach for the phone and shook her head, “I don’t know any of these guys either, except for Jack, of course.”  
  
“But he seems so familiar. I recognize him from something,” I muttered.  
  
“Have you ever gone to the gym?” Jack asked.  
  
“I used to a couple of months ago.”  
  
“Zack’s a gym freak, you might have seen him there.”  
  
“Possibly.”  
  
But it didn’t seem that way. There was something else about him. Something from my past.


	19. 4 am Emergency

After visiting my mom, I had asked Jack to bring me home. I explained that Cam and I had a fight before I had my seizure, leaving out the part that he had been mentioned a couple of times. Jack understood and agreed to drive me and walk me to the front door of the loft. I didn’t want Cam to think I stayed with Jack because I was still mad because I really wasn’t. The only reason I stayed with Jack was because he made me feel safe and I wanted to figure out what we were. Sure, Cam also made me feel safe, but he seemed so all over the place. I didn’t want to make the mess in his mind even worse.  
  
Jack had been busy the last couple of days with band stuff for the upcoming tour, meaning that we never had time to see each other. The one time he had some free time, I had to give a dance class. Yes, I was still dancing despite my seizures. Unfortunately, I had to cut back and cancel some of the classes, but I made sure to have at least one lesson for each group I taught.  
  
So, here I was, in my bed at midnight, all alone, dreading Tuesday. Jack was leaving in two days and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. We were both too busy and his plane was leaving at 6 am. There was no way I would be able to say bye to him anymore. This really sucked. I was more bored than upset, being used to not seeing my dad for ages and then also not being able to say bye once he left again. It was just fun to be around Jack, and I was stuck doing nothing while he was practicing.  
  
That thought and the need to go to the bathroom had woken me up. After contemplating whether or not to get out of my bed and go to the toilet, for and hour, I finally decided it was better to go than have the annoying urge the rest of the night. I mean, who doesn’t think about just staying in bed even though they know their bladder might explode? This is such a weird topic, but you know what I mean, right? The bed was so comfortable and warm. Why do bodily functions exist?  
  
So, out of my bed I got, groaning while my bones cracked and clicked, and I strolled to the bathroom. The bright light burned my eyes and made me regret my decision. Ugh, being tired and blinded does not work well together. I walked into the counter, making it stab into my upper right thigh. That was definitely going to bruise. I thought I finished my business when I was greeted by blood on the toilet paper. Of course, I started my period. I totally lost track of time and forgot I was due. Why did mother nature have to be so cruel?  
  
I opened the drawer I kept all my stuff in and found the box of tampons… which was empty. Great. Why didn’t I throw it out and buy a new pack? I could be so stupid sometimes. I rummaged through all the drawers I had in hope to find something so I could make it through the night. My whole bathroom was a mess from taking out everything and putting it back in. I finally found a panty liner in the back of one of my drawer, but it definitely wasn’t going to last through the night. I put it on and thought; I had to get to a gas station or something.  
  
I knew it wasn’t going to work, but it was worth a try. Cam always hated when I woke in up during the night, but I still knocked on his bedroom door and carefully walked in.  
  
“Hey, Cam, you awake?” I whisper-shouted.  
  
He stirred and groaned, “go back to sleep, Field.”  
  
“But, I need your help’”  
  
“Go back to bed.”  
  
“Cam, it’s an emergency.”  
  
He threw one of his pillows at me, “go find someone else to help.”  
  
I sighed and slowly closed his door. Part of me was hoping that he would call me back inside and ask me what I wanted, but of course, he didn’t. What was I going to do now? I couldn’t drive myself, Cam wasn’t going to help, and there was nobody else here to ask… Or was there?  
  
I took my phone from the charger and dialed Jack’s number. Dial tones played through my head and I was about to give up, when there was a crack and a groggy voice, “Isle?”  
  
“Jack, I need your help,” I pouted, even though he couldn’t see.  
  
“Is everything ok? Did you have another seizure?”  
  
“No, it’s all fine. I just need to get to a store and Cam won’t drive me.”  
  
“A store, what? At… 4 am? Isle?”  
  
“Yes,” I crossed my fingers, hoping he would come.  
  
“Why?” He sounded so confused in his sleepy state.  
  
“For reasons.”  
  
“Can’t it wait till tomorrow morning?”  
  
“No, otherwise I wouldn’t have called you and just waited for Cam to wake up. Just trust me, it’s an emergency.”  
  
“But, baby… it’s 4 am!”  
  
“Jack, please,” I dragged out the word, “I know for a fact that you’ve stayed up way after 4 am before. Please, please, please!”  
  
“Ugh, fine, but I’m not changing out of my pajamas for this,” I heard some shuffling, telling me that Jack was getting up.  
  
“You’re actually wearing pajamas?”  
  
“Yes, I don’t know why, though. I’ll be there in 10.”  
  
“Thank you so so so so much. I really owe you.”  
  
I pulled on my shoes, grabbed my wallet and keys, and waited for Jack to arrive. Knowing he was going to be in his pajamas, I didn’t bother getting changed and making myself look remotely decent. I was tapping my foot as the seconds passed by; I didn’t necessarily want Jack to know I was on my period. Why would I tell him? It was of no significance to him, and it was only embarrassing for me.  
  
The doorbell rang and I opened the door to find a very tired looking Jack on the other side. I walked past him, grabbed his hand, and pulled him along with me; I just wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, and I wasn’t going to risk having any leaking.  
  
“Oh, we’re going already? This seems important,” Jack tried to stay in pace with me.  
  
“It is, thanks for coming by the way,” I waited for Jack to unlock his car. We both got in and Jack turned on the engine.  
  
“Where are we going?”  
  
“Umm, any store that’s open. It could be a gas station, or anything really.”  
  
“I know gas stations are open, so it will be that then. What do you need to get, anyway?”  
  
“Some stuff,” I shrugged.  
  
Jack raised his eyebrows, but pulled onto the road anyway. We didn’t talk much during the short drive to the nearest gas station. When we arrived I turned to Jack before getting out, “you can stay in the car.”  
  
He shook his head and unbuckled his seatbelt, “I’ll come with you.”  
  
“No, really it’s fine.”  
  
“But I want to, why are you acting all suspicious.”  
  
I got out of the car and beelined straight for the aisle with products, with Jack just a step behind me. I could feel my cheeks starting to heat up, and I hoped Jack didn’t notice. It was something totally natural, but I still didn’t feel comfortable with other people knowing I was on my period. But I guessed nearly every girl had that.  
  
“Oh, I get it now,” Jack nodded in understanding.  
  
“Exactly,” I snorted and started looking through the assortment, “why are these shits so expensive?”  
  
“I don’t know, I don’t even know how all this shit works.”  
  
“Oh yeah, I forgot you were a guy, sorry.”  
  
“I’ll be right back, ok?” Jack kissed my forehead and left me all alone. As happy as I was to be able to choose in peace, I was still confused as to why Jack left. Was he disgusted? Blood itself was already pretty disgusting, blood coming out of a vagina was a whole lot worse.  
  
I chose the largest box I could find of the kind of tampons I always had and made my way to the counter. The girl standing behind the counter scan the item and I got out my wallet to pay. Just before I was able to hand over the money, Jack joined me with a ton of candy, chocolate, and other junk food.  
  
I looked at him with wide eyes, “Jack, I don’t have the money to pay for all of this!”  
  
“I do,” knowing I would allow him to pay for everything, he chipped in for everything that he had chosen, “I’ll be the one eating most of this anyway.”  
  
When we got home Jack allowed me to go the bathroom first before he insisted on staying the night. I was too tired to argue and got in bed, leaving some space for him. He climbed in and took the gigantic plastic bag full of junk food with him. To make sure he woke up on time, Jack turned on an alarm of his phone. We talked about random things and ate some of the very unhealthy food, before falling asleep in each other’s embrace. I didn’t know I had felt this way, but the bed was no longer empty, and I finally felt complete and at home.  
  
The next morning I woke up to Cameron coming into my room. The room was filled with bright light and some kind of music. Jack was still cuddled around me and sleeping deeply.  
  
“Hey, Ireland, what did you need last--” Cameron stopped in his tracks, “Oh, Jack’s here. Nevermind.”  
  
Cameron left again, leaving me very confused. What was he doing up? That’s when I suddenly realized what the weird music was. I checked my large clock and saw that it was already 1 pm. Jack had to leave two hours ago; his alarm didn’t wake him up.  
  
I quickly sat up and started shaking him, “Jack, get up, you’re late.”  
  
He groaned before he snapped his eyes open, “What!”  
  
“You’re two hours late. Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have kept you up.”  
  
“No, no, no, it’s not your fault. They probably won’t mind me showing up rocking my bed hair and pajamas,” Jack got up and turned off his alarm, “Shit. Alex is so mad at me right now.”  
  
Right after that Jack’s phone started ringing, the name ‘Alex’ popped up. Jack quickly answered and scavenged for any belongings he had to take with him. I made eye contact with him and felt so bad.  
  
“I’m so sorry,” I mouthed.  
  
Jack shook his head, dismissing my apology and mouthed something back to me. His eyes went wide and he quickly turned around and waved. Once again, he left me all alone. But what did he mouth to me? I looked a lot like ‘Olive Juice’. What the fuck is olive juice and why did he mouth it?


	20. Don't Change Your Mind

Tuesday. It was Tuesday and already at fucking 4:30 am the doorbell was being rung over and over again. Who the fuck would ring a doorbell this early! I needed to get more sleep so I wouldn’t be too exhausted at the stupid hospital I didn’t even want to go to. In case you were wondering, no, I did not see Jack at all anymore, but we did say our goodbyes during our last phone call. It was at least something, right? Of course, I wanted to see him again, but that didn’t work out, so I just had to get over it. But it would have really been nice to be able to have seen him in person before all these tests were done to me.  
  
After 2 minutes, the doorbell still hadn’t stopped, so I decided to get up and sleepily walk to the door; there was no way Cam was going to go. To make it more clear how sleepy I was, I was wearing very short pajama shorts without having shaved my legs in a while, and a very loose fitting shirt without a bra on, and I didn’t even care how I looked. Normally I would have at least covered up slightly with a sweater and putting on some longer pants. But nope, I was still dreaming and too dazed to give a fuck.  
  
I grumbled and opened the door to see who the fucking idiot was (I really swear a lot when I’m sleepy, don’t I?). Of course, the crazy person had to be the one and only magnificent Jack. Why the fuck was he here? He had to be going to the airport by now. I just wished he didn’t change his mind again and wanted to stay here with me anyway. The last couple of days, the entire time, he would say he changed his mind and didn’t want to go on tour anyway. I would then have to convince him to go anyway because I really wanted him to go (not because I didn’t want him around) and then he would finally agree, before starting again. It was a repeating routine.  
  
“Jack, what-” I started to ask him, but he cut me off. Before I could even register what was going on, Jack had leaned forward, grabbed my face, and pressed his lips against mine desperately. I stood still in shock, but Jack was very determined and kept kissing me. Eventually, I gave in; it just took me a while to realize Jack was actually trying to get me to kiss him back. My arms naturally wrapped around his neck as my fingers played with the hair on his neck. His hands moved down to my waist and he pulled me closer against his body. I got lost in the feeling of the way his dry, yet soft, lips molded with mine, the feeling on his stubble scraping gingerly against my face, and the smell of his familiar shampoo that I had used often in the past.  
  
As much as I was enjoying what was happening, I was running out of breath and really wanted to know why he was here. Luckily for me, Jack pulled away first and rested his forehead against mine so our noses were still pressed together.  
  
He started whispering to me, “I can totally feel you aren’t wearing a bra right now.”  
  
“Well, you just ruined the moment,” I replied and moved away.  
  
“Oh, we were having a moment?” Jack joked.  
  
I pulled the weirdest confused face I could do, “No, it’s just a normal thing to randomly show up here and start making out with me before even saying anything. It wasn’t like there was actually something going on. Now, what the fuck are you doing here! You’re going to be late! Don’t tell me you've changed your mind again!”  
  
“No, I didn’t change my mind.... Unless you want me to, I’ll totally stay if you want me to, just ask and I’ll stay, really, I don't mind, I’ll call everybody and tell them I’m not coming.”  
  
“Jack, seriously, you’re turning into an overly obsessed boyfriend,” I admitted honestly.  
  
Jack took a slight step back. His face first showed hurt, then realization, and then understanding, “I’m sorry. I’m just really worried. I want you to be ok, and at the same time, I don’t want to fuck up this relationship. You’re my best friend and I really like you. You’re my first girlfriend in ages.”  
  
“Just act like we did when we weren’t in a relationship, but you get to kiss me and stuff.”  
  
“Ok, noted. I can do that.”  
  
“Now, why are you here. I’m making you late again!” I whisper-shouted so I wouldn’t wake Cameron up.  
  
“I had to come and say goodbye and good luck. I was taking an Uber to drive me to the airport when I decided I needed to make a detour. So here I am.”  
  
“I’m really going to miss you, and as much as it doesn’t seem like it, I really appreciate you coming here, but I really don’t want to make you miss your flight.”  
  
“You’re right… I better get going, even though I don’t want to say goodbye.”  
  
“I’ll be here when you get back. You know what? I’ll come pick you up at the airport, with Cam of course. How about that? I would like to see you as soon as I can when you get back.”  
  
“I would like that as well,” he caressed my cheek with one of his hands and carefully kissed me again. His other hand held onto mine and our fingers intertwined, “Goodbye, I’ll call you when I get there. You look beautiful, by the way.”  
  
“Bye,” I mumbled back as his hand left mine and he closed the door. I looked at the palm of my hand and saw he had left something behind: A beautiful necklace with a delicate golden feather hanging off of it. As much as I hated being given gifts for no reason, I couldn’t help but think of how beautiful and sweet it was. I was definitely going to wear it as often as I could.  
  
\----  
  
I was in the car with Cameron since he had to drive me home. My entire day was spent at the hospital. Weird needles were stuck in me to give me stuff while others were used to take stuff out of me. There were many different physical examinations, a few x-ray scans, and one MRI scan. None of it was pleasant. What made it worse was that some tests couldn’t be done because I was on my period, meaning that I had to come back again. Hospitals weren’t fun, and I really hoped I wasn’t going to spend a lot of time in them. All I wanted was to cuddle up in bed and sleep; I was exhausted and just didn’t feel well overall. Many things that weren’t planned had happened, making me feel like shit.  
  
I was finally drifting off when my phone suddenly started buzzing and ringing in my sweatpants’ pocket. Jack’s name and an amazing photo of him purposely doing a double chin popped up. I grinned and tapped the green button before bringing the phone to my ear.  
  
“Hey,” I giggled.  
  
“Hi, my beautiful, wonderful, amazing girlfriend!” Jack shouted loudly away from the phone.  
  
“You don’t have a girlfriend, Jack!” A voice shouted back at him.  
  
“Do too!”  
  
“Do not,” I joked and pulled my legs ups to my chest, making me sit in the car seat with the seatbelt weirdly around me.  
  
“Awe man,” I could just see Jack stomping on the floor, “I thought we were doing good. I guess I picked up the wrong signals.”  
  
“I’m very sorry, Jack, but it’s the harsh truth,” I tried staying serious, but I could help the laugh that came out in the middle of my sentence.  
  
“Yes, very funny. I’m glad to know that I guess right; you either finished at the hospital or are waiting for the next test.”  
  
“I’m in the car right now with Cam. There were supposed to be more tests, but they couldn’t do those because of-- Nope, not saying that while Cam is sitting next to me.”  
  
Cam gave me a quick glance, “Because of what?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“Because of what?” Jack copied.  
  
“Because of that thing. You know, the one where I called you at 4 am to bring me to a store,” I kept looking at Cam to see if he would notice what I was talking about. Nobody wants their brother to know they are on their period.  
  
“Oh, yeah, that. Anyway, how are you feeling? Period wise, or in general, I don’t really care.”  
  
“Umm, I’m luckily and rarely get cramps, so that’s ok,” I awkwardly explained; Cameron definitely knew what I was talking about now, “The day at the hospital, however, wasn’t really good. There were a lot of needles involved and they took 12 of those blood thingies, so I passed out and now I have a large bump on my forehead from the impact of my head hitting the floor. Right now we are on a highway, I don’t know why, and I also feel really sick…” I trailed off and shifted my attention to my brother, “Cam, I’m going to throw up.”  
  
“Oh, shit, ok,” he pulled over as quick as he could and unlocked the doors.  
  
“Here, talk to Jack for a second,” I pushed my phone into his hands and quickly exited the car. It only took me a couple of seconds before I was hunched over and spewing out the contents of my stomach. I hadn’t eaten much so it wasn’t too bad, but the burning in my throat was still excruciating.  
  
Not feeling much better, I got back in the car and curled up again. Cameron was just finishing up talking to Jack and then gave me my phone back. Feeling like this really was the worst; slowly dying from the inside while your body tries to fight it. I closed the door and notified Jack that I had the phone again with a mumble.  
  
“Are you ok? I’m so sorry I’m not there. I really wish I could help you, baby,” Jack said in a calming voice.  
  
“It’s weird when you call me that,” Was the only thing I could think of and say.  
  
“Do you want me to stop calling you that?”  
  
“No, I’m just not used to it. I like it, though, just don’t overuse it. It should have a special meaning.”  
  
“Hmm, I agree. You say you’re not good at relationships, but you’re doing so much better than me so far.”  
  
“Am not. I just do what feels right,” I shrugged as my eyelids started getting heavy.  
  
“Exactly, I’m too afraid to mess it up that I don’t know what to do.”  
  
“Just don’t overthink everything. You won’t mess it up. The only way you can mess it up is by overthinking everything you do. You go all stuttery and creepy when you do.”  
  
“Wise words by my astonishing girlfriend,” Jack chuckled.  
  
“Hmm… I’m so tired, Jack.”  
  
“Go to sleep, beautiful. You can call me when you wake up.”  
  
“I probably won’t wake up until tomorrow afternoon.”  
  
“I don’t care what time it is, or what the time difference is between where we are, you can always call me.”  
  
“What if you’re on stage?”  
  
“I’ll call you back afterwards or I’ll leave my phone with somebody so they can see if anything is wrong.”  
  
“Okay,” I yawned, “make sure to make me proud, make a ton of dick jokes. If you don’t make them, you will be a disgrace.”  
  
“I promise I will. I’ll even make sure to text you one every day,” Jack laughed while also being very serious.  
  
“I’d like that. It will be something to look forward to every day.”  
  
“Okay, now go to sleep. You sound like you will pass out any second. I promise to pick up when you call, we don’t have a show yet, so nothing’s stopping me.”  
  
“Goodbye, Jacky.”  
  
“Sleep tight, princess, I’ll talk to you soon.”  
  
I dropped the phone onto my lap after hanging up and soon my eyes fell shut. All of Jack’s words were swirling around in my mind. Never had I ever thought that he would have acted like this in a relationship. He really was afraid to fuck things up. Hopefully, he wouldn’t go crazy and panic anymore after what I had told him. If there was one thing he didn’t have to worry about, it would be messing us up. We would always still stay friends, no matter what happened. The only way he could actually fuck it all up would be by cheating on me. There was a high chance of that happening, but I still trusted him. He wouldn’t do that. Right?


	21. Tuning Pegs

I’m going to be blunt here and just say it. I was really fucking bored. There was nothing for me to do if Can wasn’t up for it. I couldn’t go wherever I wanted to without supervision, I only gave dance classes once a week, and there was nobody to do stuff with. Cam was always off doing god knows what, Jack was still on tour and wouldn’t come back for another week and a half, and Abagail wouldn’t answer my calls. Trust me. It was terrible. I wasn’t the person who would stay in their bed the entire day; I need to get out and do stuff.  
  
I walked out of my room and entered Cameron’s. “Hey Cam, what ya doin’,” I asked before even looking at him.  
  
“Tuning my guitar,” he struggled with the tuning pegs and the weird signals the tuner was giving him, “I’ve being trying to do it for like 15 minutes now, and I can’t seem to get it right. The tuner isn’t helping at all. It says it’s way too low first and I barely change the tuning and it already says it’s way too high.”  
  
“Let me try.”  
  
“Sure,” he handed it over with no problem, leaving me pretty confused. Cameron was pretty protective over his possessions, especially his guitars. When we were younger he would freak out if I came anywhere near them. He claimed that I would ‘make the floor move and make the guitars fall over’. The only time he let me touch a guitar was when he needed help fixing one. I thought it was pretty cool to do, while Cam would keep swearing and gave up way too early.  
  
“Umm, okay,” I sat down and put the guitar on my lap. It felt foreign, yet familiar. I knew I never played an instrument before, but this just felt right. It fit right and the weight felt good. I looked at the tuner and rolled my eyes, “it’s on the wrong settings, you idiot!”  
  
“What? Really, how do you know?”  
  
“I dunno. It’s just wrong,” I pressed some of the buttons to get it to finally go to the option I wanted. As I turned the tuning pegs the signs on the tuner finally started working. Cam let me tune each of the strings before giving him the black electric guitar back.  
  
“Thanks,” he smiled, “now I don’t have to do the annoying part anymore.”  
  
“Why are you playing guitar again?” I remembered that I hadn’t heard him play it in ages, “I haven’t seen you look at it in the last year.”  
  
“Just thought I’d pick it up again,” he shrugged, “well, there’s actually also another reason, but it doesn’t really matter.”  
  
“No, I want to know!”  
  
“Ok, well, you know, I think I should be going out more and becoming more productive. You’ve been taking care of me for ages, but now you’re the one who needs me to help. And just lying around in bed isn’t going to help me much. I’m starting small and building up. I hope to find a job soon.”  
  
“That’s really good, Cam,” I grinned. Normally I would have denied that I needed help, but it was obvious that I did. I nearly had a seizure every single day, however, the medication had finally started kicking in and it was getting better by the day. In addition, Cam also finally seemed motivated again, I couldn’t take that away from him. If he were to get a job, it would really help out. Since I had to cut back on classes, I wasn’t bringing in as much money anymore. Soon I wouldn’t be able to pay for everything anymore.  
  
“Thanks. Now, I don’t know if you want to watch me figure out this thing again, or go do something else, but I’m going to plug in some headphones and practice.”  
  
“Ok, I don’t want to bother you,” I left his room and made sure to close the door.  
  
Once again, I was left bored and with nothing to do. Cameron was obviously busy doing things, and I was happy to let him do whatever he wanted, but now I only had the option of watching TV or going back to bed. This life really sucked. I wanted to go out and explore stuff! If only I was allowed to go anywhere unsupervised and get on a plane, I would fly to wherever Jack was in a heartbeat. He seemed to be having so much fun.  
  
I trudged back into my room and picked up my phone. Trying to call Abagail again wouldn’t hurt, right? She had to answer at some point. So I tried again, and again, and again, but I was only sent to voicemail. I couldn’t help but feel guilty; I shouldn’t have walked in on her and Jack, I shouldn’t have interrupted, Jack shouldn’t have followed me. Maybe Abagail had feelings for Jack, and I ruined everything. She probably hated me. I ruined what could have been a perfect relationship.  
  
Wait. Hang on. What was I saying? Jack and I were in a relationship now. It was his choice to follow me, he could have just as well stayed with Abagail. Who knows what would have happened if he didn’t. I should be the one ignoring Abagail for breaking her promise, not the other way around. She wanted me and Jack to get together, so why wasn’t she answering me! She couldn’t possibly have found out about me and Jack being in a relationship. What the fuck was going on!  
  
I was broken out of my trance by my phone notifying me that I had gotten a text; a text from Jack. I quickly unlocked my phone and opened the message. It brought a smile to my face and the longing to see him only increased. Want to know what is said? Well, Jack was only keeping his promise: ‘What happens when you make a penis out of Legos? You get cock blocked’. Every single day he had sent me a dick joke. I always looked forward to it, even though that is pretty weird when you say it out loud. We didn’t always have time to call or facetime, but he always seemed to find a couple of seconds to send me one.  
  
I sent him a text back telling him how terrible it was and how it would be a lot funnier if I heard him say it. In no time Jack’s request for facetiming showed up on my phone screen, and I hit the green answer button as fast as I could.  
  
“What happens when you make a penis out of Legos? You get cock blocked!” He screamed as loud as he could.  
  
I laughed and plopped down onto my lonely mattress, “it is a lot funnier when you say it out loud.”  
  
“I’m just hilarious. It would be very offensive if you told me I wasn’t funny.”  
  
“I never said you were funny, I just said the joke was funny.”  
  
“Well, thank you,” Jack showed mock hurt, “I’ll have you know that I think I’m the funniest person alive.”  
  
“Sure you are, Jack,” I shook my head, “anyway, I miss you, what are you up to?”  
  
“I’m in a hotel room all alone, because my hotel roommate has left me. So, if you would like to get naked on camera, I really wouldn’t mind, not one bit, I would absolutely like it actually.”  
  
“Ah, I can’t really help you with that,” I sighed and then got any idea, “I can give you a peek, though,” I flipped the camera so he could no longer see me. Jack looked so confused, he had no idea what I was doing, but that soon changed. I pointed towards my foot and slowly took my sock off before flipping back the camera towards myself, “how was that?”  
  
“Oh my god, babe. You don’t know how turned on I am right now, I’m so hard. God, you taking off your sock is so sexy!” he groaned as he played along.  
  
“Good, because you’re not getting any more.”  
  
“Aww, how am I going to jack off then?”  
  
“I dunno, watch porn, do whatever you like, just don’t fuck other girls, or guys if you’re into that as well.”  
  
“Have you been reading the Jalex tag?”  
  
“Jalex? What the fuck is that?”  
  
“Umm… nothing…” he quickly looked away.  
  
“I’m so going to google it later,” I chuckled.  
  
“No! Don’t! It will corrupt you! Trust me, it’s terrifying!”  
  
“Corrupt me? Who do you think I am!”  
  
“Have you ever watched porn, masturbated, read weirdass novels or anything of the like?”  
  
“Umm… no?” Why the fuck did our conversations always turn into this? We would start talking about serious things and end up chatting about masturbating and sex. Jack was just the guy that seemed to always fit it in.  
  
“You see. You’re innocent.”  
  
“Fine! Just stop annoying me!”  
  
“So you want me to leave?” Jack joked.  
  
“No, don’t go,” I whined and rolled over so half of my face was hidden in my pillow.  
  
“Aww, what’s wrong, like me too much?”  
  
“I’m just so bored. Come save me out of this place!”  
  
Jack chuckled, “I wish I could.”  
  
I started singing in a purposely terrible, croaky singing voice, “Jacky, run away with me, I know I sound crazy, don’t you see what you do to me? I wanna be your lost girl, your last chance, a better reality. Jacky, we can get away, I promise if you’re with me, say the word and we’ll find a way. I can be your lost girl, your last chance, your everything better plan. Oh, somewhere in Neverland.”  
  
“That was beautiful, babe. Where has your amazing voice been my entire life!”  
  
“The first four years of your life, I didn’t even exist yet.”  
  
“We have a four year age gap! Wow. I didn’t even realize.”  
  
“Age doesn’t matter, Jacky,” I said using the nickname I had used in the modified chorus, “you should know that. Four years isn’t even that much.”  
  
“Are you seriously going there right now? You sneaky bitch.”  
  
I giggled and hid my face in my pillow. Sometimes Jack really was the immature one, but my actions could be pretty childish as well.  
  
“Just one and a half weeks and I get to kiss you and hug you and cuddle with you again,” he fantasized.  
  
“I know, I can’t wait.”  
  
I heard the door open on Jack’s side and footsteps entered, “yo, Jack who are you talking to?”  
  
“Umm,” Jack looked at me for a while, “my girlfriend.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yeah, of course, I’m sure. Why does nobody believe me?”  
  
“Because it’s you. Now, let me see.”  
  
Just then a loud crash came from Cameron’s room. I looked up and in the direction, it was coming from, “Cam, are you ok?”  
  
Cameron groaned, “ouch.”  
  
I turned back to Jack, “Jack, I’m sorry, I really have to go.”  
  
He started to protest, “but-”  
  
“I’m sorry, Cam’s done something stupid again,” I cut him off and hung up.  
  
Once again his friends weren’t able to see I existed. Cam had interrupted it for the millionth time now. Was I ever going to meet anybody?


	22. Welcome Back

“Please, Cam,” I whined from the backseat of the car.  
  
“No,” He answered sternly from the driver's seat.  
  
“Please! I promised I would come!”  
  
“I said no. You are not going out like this.”  
  
“But, Cam! At least let me out of the car.”  
  
“No!”  
  
“Please!”  
  
Cameron sighed, “fine, but don’t you dare walk away. I want you no more than 3 feet away from the car.”  
  
“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I opened the door and rushed out, ignoring the terrible nausea that washing over me. You see, Cam and I were at the airport to pick up Jack, only had the feeling that I would have a seizure anytime soon, and me being me, I forgot to bring my emergency medication. I had promised Jack I would wait for him at the part of the airport that allowed access to everyone, that way I would see him as soon as he entered and I would also get to meet his friends. But Cam wouldn’t let me go. He didn’t want to lose me in the crowd and have me be all alone in case I did have a seizure. I had finally been able to recognize the symptoms of my seizures and would be able to stop them with my medication. But that obviously couldn’t happen this time. I would either have to take in and break my ‘one-week seizure free’ accomplishment, or hope that I would be fine.  
  
“I’m going to call Jack and tell him we are waiting outside, he should have landed by now,” I told Cameron before taking out my phone.  
  
Jack’s number was the only contact in my recents list, so I quickly dialed it. After a couple of dial tones, Jack answered in a chirpy tone, “Hey, Baby.”  
  
“Hey,” I grinned widely, “I just wanted to let you know Cam and I are waiting outside at the car instead of inside.”  
  
“Aww, why?”  
  
I raised my voice so Cameron could hear everything I said, “Because Cam’s being a little bitch and won’t let me leave.”  
  
“Well, I’ll see you in a bit then. Just let me say goodbye to everyone.”  
  
“Ok, see you soon.”  
  
“Yes, very soon.”  
  
I hung up and rested against the car. There was nothing I wanted more than to run into the airport and away from Cam, but I knew this was for the best. I didn’t know how bad my seizure would be, and with nobody around me knowing how to deal with it, a lot of bad things could happen. Having seizures really fucking sucked, especially since I had been getting memory loss after them. I wouldn’t have been able to remember what I was doing an hour before, and it was only getting worse. My condition was worsening, and I just wanted to be better already.  
  
A couple of minutes later, I saw Jack walking out with a couple of large suitcases. I let out a silent squeak and ran to him.  
  
“Field! You can’t--” Cam shouted after me, but I blocked him out. All I could think about was Jack, not Cameron’s negativity.  
  
Jack noticed me when I was about halfway and smiled, making the skin at the corner of his eyes wrinkle. He let go of his suitcases as I jumped on him. My happiness and excitement were taking over every other feeling in my body, especially the bad ones. Jack wrapped his arms around me while I did the same with my legs dangling in the air. We hugged tightly for a while before pulling apart slightly to make space to let our lips crash together. It was full of emotion and contentment, yet not long at all.  
  
We broke apart and Jack put me down on the floor without letting me go, “I missed you so much.”  
  
“I missed you too,” I reached up and made our lips connect again. He moved his hands down to my waist and pulled me tighter against him.  
  
His hands were about to moved down to my butt when Cameron interrupted us, “be careful there. She’s in seizure mode right now and forgot her medication at home.”  
  
Cameron had been calling how I acted before I had a seizure, ‘seizure mode’. At first, I was quite offended by it. It made me feel like there was an on/off switch on me, but that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t control whether or not I had a seizure. Well, I did have my emergency medication, but even that did not always work. After a while, though, I understood how difficult it was for Cam as well. His sister was having serious and dangerous health problems. I understood that he didn’t want everything to be too serious, I wouldn’t have wanted it that way either.  
  
Jack pulled away from me and studied my face, “I can tell.” He looked too concerned and mature. He knew how to take care of me and had already been around me enough to know when I was going to have a seizure. Cam and Jack probably knew when I was going to have a seizure before I did.  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I tried saying, but I could already feel a tingling in my head and myself slurring a bit.  
  
“Ok, let’s get you in the car.”  
  
I followed Cam and Jack back to the car and started to feel woozy. Cameron put Jack’s suitcases in the back and urged him to help me into the car. Jack first helped me get in before getting in himself. As soon as he sat down I slowly moved so I could rest my head on his lap. I felt like I was floating, but a weight was dragging me down at the same time. Moving was heavy but my head was light.  
  
“Jack,” I mumbled as I could feel the sickness taking over.  
  
“It’s ok, baby,” he ran his fingers through my hair with one hand while the other one was holding tightly onto mine, “I’m here, it’s ok.”  
  
Cam stepped into the car as well and turned around so he could see me, “How are you doing?”  
  
I knew what I wanted to say, but I could form the words and make sounds anymore. I promise, I really tried, but all I could do was open and close my mouth. Nothing else.  
  
Cameron looked up at Jack, “She’s been having fewer seizures, but the symptoms are getting worse. She’s even getting some memory loss because of them. I’m thinking of making a doctor’s appointment for her, I don’t think this is what was supposed to happen.”  
  
Jack frowned and looked down at me. He was still playing with my hair and I tried to focus on his eyes to keep me from fading away. I could see that his mind was racing. He would always look so concentrated yet far away when he was thinking a lot. And it scared me. What was he thinking? Sometimes he was so easy to read, but other times you couldn’t even get a hint. It was absolutely terrifying. Before I knew I had lost control again.  
  
When I woke up I could feel the car was driving. On top of that, I felt dizzy and nauseated. I didn’t know how long my seizure had been going on for, but there were a couple of instances that I could feel Jack was trying to help me get out of it.  
  
“Hey, baby, welcome back,” he smiled down at me. I tried to grin back, but I was too tired. It probably looked really weird.  
  
Let me quickly explain my seizures to you. Most people only think of the worst kind of seizure, which is the grand-mal seizure. This is the one I mostly got, but at different degrees of severity. However, it always included losing consciousness. I had also been getting absence seizures, which would mean I would black out, but still look awake. All I would do was stare off into the distance, luckily for me, these only took a couple of seconds. That one time Abagail stole my phone, I apparently had had an atonic seizure, which made me lose my muscle tone, causing me to fall. There are many more, however these seemed to be the ones I always had.  
  
“How are you feeling?” He continued. Once again, I tried to reply, but I couldn’t. My mouth wasn’t making the shaped and my vocal chords weren’t making the sounds. This time I tried signing that I couldn’t talk. But Jack didn’t know sign language, so he just gave me a confused look. I tried showing it instead by pointing at my mouth and lightly shaking my head. Jack seemed to understand this.  
  
“You’re going to have to learn sign language if you want to keep dating her,” Cameron chuckled and looked at Jack through the rearview mirror.  
  
“I was thinking the same,” Jack gave me a half smile, “how did you guys learn it?”  
  
“Well, Ireland learned it when she was six years old. There was a new girl in our class that had hearing problems, and Ireland wanted to include her. I know some basics because she forced me to learn those, everything else I learned when Ireland came to live with me for reasons like this.”  
  
“Hasn’t she always been the nice girl.”  
  
“She always has been. I would fuck shit up and she would fix it. Together we were a team. We still are and always will be.”  
  
“Well, hopefully, I don’t disrupt that.”  
  
I snuggled into Jack as an answer while I was beginning to fall asleep. All I seemed to do sleep the entire time, but I couldn’t help it. Jack made a content noise and moved the stray hair out of my face.  
  
“I love you,” I mumbled before I drifted off completely.


	23. A Lecture and an Embarrassing Story

Jack and I were cuddling on my mattress. I was still a bit out of it, but was feeling ok overall. In case you were wondering, I had woken up when Jack was carrying me out of the car and bringing me upstairs. He had decided to stay with me for the rest of the day and spend the night. At first we were going to bring him home, but Jack changed his plans after I had had my seizure. I just enjoyed being able to be in Jack’s arms and embrace again. Everything always seemed ok with him around.  
  
“Hey, Isle, can I ask you something?” Jack broke the silence and started playing with my fingers.  
  
“Yeah, sure,” I moved my fingers along his and felt the calluses.  
  
“Umm… so, uh, do you remember anything specific you, uh, said in the car after your seizure?”  
  
“Not really, I remember waking up and seeing you, and falling asleep again…. Oh god. I didn’t say anything stupid did I?”  
  
“No, don’t worry.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“It, umm, doesn’t matter.”  
  
“Jack,” I warned and sat up before glaring down at him.  
  
“No, really, it’s nothing,” he shrugged off. I kept looking at him, though. Something was bugging him, I could see very clearly, but I couldn’t tell what. I was going to bug him to tell me more, but I thought better of it and hoped he would tell me sooner or later.  
  
“If you say so,” I raised my shoulders in a questioning manner before I moved over so I was straddling him.  
  
“Oh, I like this,” Jack smirked.  
  
“Hmm, really? I was just going to get my phone,” I stretched out to I could grab the piece of technology that was on the floor a couple of feet away, “but now I know more about your sexual fantasies, I guess that’s cool too.”  
  
I started to get off him after I had shoved my phone in my pocket, but Jack prevented me from doing so. He pulled me down by my waist and let one of his hands wander into my hair while our faces were an inch apart. I closed the distance between us and my heart started beating fast. Even after having kissed Jack a lot, I still always got butterflies and my heart always started beating loudly in my chest. I even started feeling a buzzing… Wait. No. That was my phone going crazy. I sat back upright, took out the object that was still vibrating and gave is a confused glance.  
  
“Someone’s popular,” Jack chuckled.  
  
I looked through the rapid notifications that I was getting and glared at Jack, “what did you do.”  
  
“Do what?” His laughing subsided when he saw how serious I was being.  
  
I turned my phone and pushed it in his face, making sure he could see all the twitter notifications I was getting. The fans had found me. After all the things Jack and I had done to make sure they wouldn’t be able to recognise me, it still happened. They didn’t know my name or what I looked like, how did they know I was the girl in the photos and videos with Jack? Somebody was have said something.  
  
“Jack,” I whined.  
  
“I swear to god, I didn’t do anything,” He swiped the screen to the right, “what’s your code?”  
  
“0423,” I answered without hesitation. For some stupid reason I trusted him with my phone. I was definitely going to regret it later.  
  
He looked very concentrated while he was doing something and tapping random buttons. But that didn’t last for long. He soon pulled a weird face before locking my phone again and giving it back to me. I quickly unlocked it and went to my twitter. Jack had posted a photo of him making a weird face.  
  
“Jack, this isn’t helping!” I groaned, “I don’t need your entire fanbase knowing that we are dating. Not until your friends and your parents know.”  
  
“Well, I turned off your notifications, so I sort of did help. And they don’t know about our relationship, they are only shipping us. It’s fine,” Jack assured me and sat up as well while I got off of his lap.  
  
“Shipping?” I asked.  
  
“Yeah, it’s when they want two people to get together and they merge the names together… Haven’t you ever heard of it?”  
  
“No… So it’s like the Jalex thing?”  
  
“Don’t even go there, but yes. They call us Jaland.”  
  
“Did you tell them my name?”  
  
“No, I really don’t know how they know…”  
  
“Ok, yeah. I believe you.”  
  
“Good,” He reached out for my face and lightly held it before leaning forward and carefully kissing me. I wanted more, but Jack made sure it was short, “how about we go to bed, it’s already 11 pm and you look very tired.”  
  
I nodded and waited for Jack to turn around before I got changed. Jack stripped down to his boxers and cuddled with me after we both got underneath the covers. I draped one of my legs and arms over his body and nuzzled my face into his chest. He whispered something to me, but I could no longer make out what is was.  
  
\----  
  
I woke up to somebody grabbing my face and placing kisses all over it. Immediately, I knew it was Jack. I mean, who else would have done it? Cam definitely wouldn’t have and it would have been really creepy if some random person broke in and started doing that. I opened my eyes and, indeed, saw Jack moving rapidly across my face.  
  
“Jack,” I giggled and tried pushing him off, but Jack didn’t allow it.  
  
“Just one more,” he mumbled and pecked me on my lips once, “I’m leaving soon.”  
  
“What?” I yawned and sat up.  
  
“Yeah, it’s already 1 pm, my Uber will be here soon.”  
  
“Really? Shit,” I groaned and rubbed my eyes, “I need to get my sleeping schedule back to normal… or what’s normal for me at least. This seizure thing isn’t really helping me much.”  
  
Jack pouted when I mentioned my seizures, “I don’t care if you’re asleep, I just like being around you. You need to get better though, so you can come visit me whenever I’m on tour. I want to be able to cuddle with you when I’m away.”  
  
“I wish it were that easy,” I murmured, “I don’t know when I’ll even get remotely better, if I ever do.”  
  
“Hey, hey, hey,” Jack cooed and lifted my chin so I was looking at me, “now, don’t say that. You’ll be fine. I promise.”  
  
“You can’t promise that, Jack.”  
  
“I’ll do anything I can do, though. I won’t let anything happen to you.”  
  
“Okay,” I nodded my head and hoped the tears wouldn’t fall. I had to be strong.  
  
Jack gave me a sympathetic smile; he probably knew exactly what I was thinking, “It’s ok to feel hopeless once in awhile,” He came closer and closer until our lips finally touched. It started off soft. He was still delicately holding my chin and his nose lightly pressed against mine. Everything seemed right. His smell reminded me that everything was possible. If Jack was with me, I could do anything.  
  
What started off sweet and simple quickly turned passionate and heated. Our movements became more desperate. A faster pace. Heavy breathing. Jack’s hand roamed down my body and he slowly pushed me down, our lips never leaving. I held onto his neck, needing him to be closer, my other hand tangling with his hair. He gently lied down and I wrapped my legs around his torso. Everything we did was just so we could get closer to each other. I needed to feel him pressed against me. Jack left my mouth and started trailing kisses down my jaw while I tried to catch my breath. His fingers caressed the skin just underneath my shirt-  
  
Jack’s phone rang.  
  
We broke apart and Jack reached into his pocket to answer. In just a couple of seconds the phone call was already over. He looked at me one last time and his lips twitched.  
  
“My Uber’s here,” He explained.  
  
I nodded and got up, “ok, I’ll show you out.”  
  
Jack took his suitcases and followed me to the front door. I hugged him and gave him a quick peck before he walked out of the door and down the stairs. Every goodbye would always be treated like the last goodbye I said, just in case I wouldn’t wake up one day. I closed the door and sighed while falling onto a couch in the living room. Cameron was across from me and gave me a look.  
  
I looked back at him, “Cam, can I ask you something?”  
  
“Yeah, of course,” He turned down the volume of the TV.  
  
“Am I, umm, still a, you know, virgin?”  
  
He let out an amused laugh, “thinking of having sex with Jack, are we now?”  
  
“Not really. Not yet. I want to know just in case; to tell Jack so he knows what he’s getting himself into. I’m assuming you actually know the answer.”  
  
“Yeah, I do. We used to tell each other everything, mom and dad actually thought the relationship we had was pretty weird. Like, seriously, we would tell each other everything. When you had your first period you went to me instead of mom, and you made me tell her. It was pretty funny actually.”  
  
Just a quick thing. It’s true. I had only gotten my period when I was 16 years old. No, I wasn’t a late bloomer, quite the opposite actually. My mom also only started at that age. Knowing that I had gone to my brother instead of my mom was actually pretty embarrassing. If it would have happened when I was younger, I would have understood; weird stuff happens, you tell the one person you trust the most. But nope, I was fucking 16 years old.  
  
“Shut up,” I grumbled, “Can you tell me the answer, or not?”  
  
“I dunno, it might be against the rules,” he shrugged.  
  
“Please tell me. It’s only a yes or no answer. I need to know, so I can be prepared.”  
  
“Ugh, fine. Yes.”  
  
“Yes what? Yes, I’m a virgin, or yes, you can tell me.”  
  
“Yes, you’re a virgin. You were going to do it, but I stopped you, because I lost-”  
  
“I know, you lost your virginity at 14 years old and regretted it. You don’t want me to regret it, bla bla bla. I remember all the lectures you gave me before the gap in my memory. But thanks for telling me.”  
  
“You better remember the lectures! I still think you shouldn’t do it until you are sure and feel comfortable.”  
  
“I won’t, don’t worry. It’s not like I’ll have Jack fuck me the next time I see him. I’m not ready yet.”  
  
“Good. This is why you’re my favourite sister.”  
  
“I’m your only sister,” I rolled my eyes.  
  
“So you don’t want to be my favourite sister?”  
  
“It would be weird if I wasn’t.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
I grinned at Cam and he smiled back. It was great that I had such a good relationship with my brother. There was nothing I had to be afraid of talking with him. He would act like it’s the worst normal subject ever, even though it’s the weirdest thing you can talk about.  
  
I went to stand up, when I got a weird feeling in my head. It wasn’t like a seizure, it was a lot different. I wanted to continue walking, but before I could take my next step, blood was gushing out of my face; out of my nose. Cam rushed up to help me and I started getting faint. Never had I seen that much blood. I tried to stop it, but nothing helped. Blood was spilling everywhere. Cam was looking around frantically to find something that could help me, but I collapsed before he could. My eyes were getting heavy and I wanted to close them, but Cam kept me awake by constantly softly slapping me.  
  
“Stay awake,” he tried to get me to focus on him, “I’m calling 911.”


	24. Interrupted

I couldn’t remember anything after being hurriedly rushed into an ambulance. Everything was a blur and was going so fast. Several things had been poked into me and fluids were put into my body. I seriously had no idea what had been going on around me. Images were blurry, but I could make out Jack running into the room, being held back by nurses. All I had been able to hear was a high pitched sound mixed in with white noise. Doctors and nurses had been running around everywhere, looking at all the screens showing my levels.  
  
Now, everything was cleared up. The room was empty and a buzzing filled the silence. I actually felt really calm instead of panicked and confused. It was like I already knew. The door opened and a young nurse walked in.  
  
She looked at her clipboard and back up at me before giving me a big smile, “Your fiance is here to pick you up.”  
  
Fiance? What? When?  
  
“Oh, um, thanks, I’ll get ready then,” I gave her a shaky smile back and started sitting up.  
  
“Do you want me to send him in?”  
  
“Umm, yeah, sure.”  
  
She walked back out and I slowly got out of the hospital bed. Just as I was putting on my shoes, Jack walked in. I looked at him and grinned, “you lied to the hospital?”  
  
He chuckled and kneeled in front of me to help me with tying my laces, “yeah, what else would I have done? Your brother had to leave and couldn’t sign you out before he left. I stayed and decided to lie so you could leave earlier.”  
  
I let him help me up, “wait, what day is it?”  
  
“Umm, Saturday, why?”  
  
“I stayed here for a night?”  
  
“Yeah… You didn’t know?”  
  
I shook my head, grabbed the bag Cameron also brought along when I had to stay at the hospital, and took hold of Jack’s hand, pulling him to come with me, “I don’t really have any memory of after the paramedics came, it's all a blur and I was dealing with some major blood loss.”  
  
“Oh, umm, about that. They are doing some more blood tests, they said you’ll get the results in a couple of weeks,” Jack intertwined our fingers, “I also have the new medication they want you to take.”  
  
I felt bad for making him go through all of this. He used to be the carefree guy that would party all night long and fuck random girls every night. Now, he was stuck with me and my health problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if he broke up with me because of that.  
  
“Hey, Jack?” I quietly asked, “Can I stay over at yours tonight?”  
  
“I actually had plans, but I can cancel them,” he looked down at me.  
  
“No, it’s fine. It’s just that Cam’s gone for the weekend with my mom. They had this important thing to go to that they couldn’t miss, which is why he had to leave. I don’t mind staying at home alone.”  
  
“Nope, not happening, no way you’re staying alone. I am not going to leave you alone. No fucking way. I’m sure Alex and Rian will understand.”  
  
\----  
  
“Yeah, no, Rian and Alex did not understand,” Jack signed as he fell backwards on to the bed, next to me, “They still don’t believe you exist… But I got to raincheck on our plans, well, after some arguing.”  
  
“That sucks,” I rolled over so I was half lying on top of him, “I’d like to meet them sometime.”  
  
“I’d like you to meet them as well… Speaking of meeting, I was on the phone with my mom yesterday and I set up a lunch date for you to meet my parents. It’s tomorrow, but I can push it back, if you want.”  
  
I giggled, “why do you want me to meet your parents?”  
  
“Just cause.”  
  
I moved over more so I was now lying completely on top of him, my chin rested on his chest, “tell me,” I peppered butterfly kisses on his jawline, “there’s no rush if you don’t want to tell them yet.”  
  
Jack chuckled, causing his chest to rumble, “of course I want you to meet them, I love you.”  
  
We both froze and stiffened up. What did he just say? I shot upright and looked him in the eyes, “Did you just…”  
  
“What? No.”  
  
I frowned at him, “oh.”  
  
“No wait, yes, no, I dunno, maybe.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Ok, yes. I said it. I love you. I really do. You’re the most amazing girl I ever met; you’re beautiful, funny, and just simply astonishing. I hope to call you mine for a long time to come.”  
  
I couldn’t find any words to reply with. Jack’s mini speech really caught me off guard. He just confessed his love for me and I was looking at him like a retarded seal. I was probably freaking him out by taking so long to answer. So I said exactly what was going through my mind at the moment, “the Jack Barakat just confessed his love for a girl, and he isn’t drunk and out of it? I just witnessed something truly amazing.”  
  
Jack pouted at me, so I continued with what I wanted to say, “as amazing as that seems, I also think it’s pretty special to see me say ‘I love you’ back.” I leaned forward and pressed our lips together but pulled back before it could go any further, “I love you too.”  
  
“You really had me worried there for a second.”  
  
“I’m sorry. I was shocked and I didn’t know what to say.”  
  
“It’s ok. Now I get to say ‘I love you’ as often as I have been thinking it.”  
  
“How often is that?” I smirked, lied back down, and shuffled up so our faces were just inches apart again.  
  
“Very often,” he leaned up so our lips touched and I quickly got into the rhythm he had started. Knowing that our lips would stay in contact, he slowly relaxed back down again. I went to hold his face to give me more control, but he grabbed my wrists and flipped us over. Things were going really fast. His kisses became more sloppy and needy. My heart started beating faster and faster. His shirt came off.  
  
And the doorbell went. Once again our make out session was being interrupted. But there were surely more to come.  
  
  
“I’ll get it,” I was desperately trying to catch my breath.  
  
“Ok,” Jack’s voice sounded similar, “I’ll be down in a sec. I just need to put my shirt on.”  
  
He got off of me and I was free to leave the bed and go downstairs. I was sort of skipping my way to the door. Who knew Jack saying he loved me would get me in such a happy mood. I didn’t know he felt that way about me, let alone knew I felt about him that way. But I was sure of it. I did love Jack and was intending on doing so for a long time.  
  
I opened the door without looking through the window first. My jaw dropped when I saw the person standing in front of me. What were they doing here?  
  
“Baby, who is it?” Jack came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He looked over my shoulder and had a similar reaction as I had. I felt his arms drop from their tight grip around me and his mouth opening wide, “Abagail, what are you doing here? Are you ok?”  
  
I couldn’t take my eyes of the crying girl in front of me.


	25. The Surprise of Absence

I didn’t know what to do. Abagail was crying and I was just standing there. What was she doing here? I was just too starstruck to move, talk, and think. Too much stuff was going on. There was too much drama.  
  
Luckily, Jack took over, “Why don’t you come inside?”  
  
I nodded and followed them into the livingroom. Never had I ever felt this awkward. We all took a seat and stared as the only sound was Abagail’s crying. I was sitting alone while Jack was next to Abagail; I shouldn’t have felt jealous, but I did. The last time I saw her she was fucking Jack. There was no way I would feel neutral if they were that close together, especially since Jack and I were together.  
  
Jack spoke up first again and pulled Abagail into a hug, “Abby, what’s wrong?”  
  
She mumbles something in between her cries; something I couldn’t hear, but Jack definitely could. He stiffened up and looked at me with guilty eyes. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. Jack’s face lost it’s color. It was as if he had seen a ghost. What was going on? He looked like he wanted to cry. What was I missing here!  
  
“A-are you sure?” Jack whimpered.  
  
“I don’t know,” Abagail sobbed and shook her head frantically, “I haven’t had my period in three months.”  
  
My heart dropped. She was pregnant; pregnant with Jack’s child. I felt like I could join in with the crying. This couldn’t have been true. I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling, and rested my head in my hands. My breathing would have given away my desperate attempt, luckily they weren’t close enough. I just wished I wasn’t here; I wanted to be gone and disappear.  
  
“Isle…” Jack muttered.  
  
I shook my head, I didn’t want to hear it, “It’s fine. We weren’t even together back then, I have no right to be mad or upset… I- I need to take my medication…”  
  
I got up unemotionally and ignored the pleading looks Jack was giving me. Abagail had started crying even louder. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Did I have to break up with Jack? Were they going to keep the baby? Were they going to get married? I didn’t know anymore. I never wanted to be in this situation. Not only were they being affected, but so was I. People often seem to forget about the other person.  
  
Somewhere in Jack’s bedroom was my bag. I got out the new bottle of pills and read the instructions. What if I were to take the entire bottle in one go? What would happen then? I would no longer be a burden to my brother and Jack; my health problems wouldn’t get in the way of their plans. Would anybody care or even notice? Jack would be able to go off with Abagail without having me around. Everything would be a lot easier…  
  
No. I wasn’t going to do it. These pills were here to keep me alive and healthy, not dead. I took the required dosage and put the bottle back. But something caught my attention. There was a box that really came in handy right now. I grabbed it and ran back down stairs. Abagail and Jack were talking, and even though I knew I shouldn’t have done it, I eavesdropped.  
  
“I’m so so sorry, Jack,” Abagail hiccuped, “I didn’t know. If I knew about you and Ireland, I wouldn’t have come here.”  
  
“It’s ok, I just don’t want to have to break up with her,” Jack’s voice cracked.  
  
“I don’t know what to do.”  
  
Jack was actually thinking of breaking up with me. He only said that he didn’t want to do it, not that he wasn’t going to. I thought about what I was about to do and wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it anymore. It might seem to selfish… But then again, it could really help. It could change the entire outcome of this situation.  
  
I walked in and saw Abagail leaning in towards Jack and Jack looking at her uncomfortably. He considered it and started to reciprocate the action, but hesitated and pulled back. I caught his eye and he looked like he had just done the worst thing he could have ever done to me. Had he really thought about kissing Abagail and cheating on me? Would he have told me if he had kissed her?  
  
I cleared my throat, “umm, I found something that might be useful. I’m not sure if you took one yet…”  
  
I gave the box to Abagail and she inspected it, “umm, no, I haven’t… I’ve been too afraid to buy one.”  
  
“Ok, I’m not sure what is freaking me out the most,” Jack tried lightening up the mood, “that you haven’t even taken a pregnancy test, or that my girlfriend has one.”  
  
“Cam decided it would be funny to play a prank on me and hide pregnancy tests everywhere… so yeah…” I mumbled awkwardly.  
  
“I guess, I just go take this,” Abagail stood up and walked towards the bathroom.  
  
Jack and I were alone. Usually I liked it that way, but this time I didn’t. It was awkward; too awkward. I didn’t want it to be like this. We had literally just confessed our love for each other, and then this hit us. This wasn’t how I expected it to go down. I just wanted to be spending time with Jack, doing what we normally did.  
  
“Jack,” I croaked out and could feel the tears threatening to fall.  
  
He looked at me for a while and I was dreading to hear that he was going to break up with me. But that didn’t happen. Before I could even flinch, Jack stood up and pulled me into a tight hug. He couldn’t seem to find a way to pull me any closer. I could feel his breathing getting uneven, telling me that he was holding back his tears as well.  
  
“I’m so, so sorry,” he repeated over and over again, “I shouldn’t have done it.”  
  
I shook my head, “you can’t change the past. We will figure out what to do. Let’s first see what the test says.”  
  
“I love you so much,” he kept kissing the top of my head, “I won’t let anything happen to us.”  
  
 _But you almost kissed Abagail_ , I thought. If he was so set on not ruining our relationship and loving me, why would he almost kiss who once used to be my friend. But then again, it was almost. It didn’t happen; it almost did, but Jack decided not to allow it. I didn’t know what everything meant anymore.  
  
Abagail walked back to us and Jack slowly let go of me. We both looked at her with hopeful eyes. She looked so fragile, unsure, and scared. The expression on her face didn’t give away anything. Why couldn’t she just tell us already? She was slowly killing me and Jack inside. We wanted to know, we needed to know. This was going to affect all of us. In my head I could only think that this was the moment that Jack either stayed with me or ran off with Abagail. I just hoped it wasn’t going to me the latter.  
  
“I- I’m too afraid to look,” she shivered.  
  
“Abagail, we need to know,” Jack urged. He was becoming as desperate as I felt.  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
I sighed and let go of Jack, who I didn’t realise I was still holding, “I’ll check.”  
  
I started walking forward and blinked. Suddenly Jack was in front of me, holding my face and searching it frantically. I stared back at him, confused as fuck. How did he suddenly get in front of me and why was he looking at me like that? Was he some supernatural guy that could teleport or something?  
  
“Umm…?” i tried getting an answer out of him.  
  
He breathed out in relief, “Oh my god, you really scared me there.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You just zoned out and didn’t react to anything.”  
  
“Oh, sorry. I couldn’t feel it coming up.”  
  
“Couldn’t feel what coming up?”  
  
“Absence seizure. Not all my seizures make me go unconscious and spaz out,” I sighed and explained, “do we know whether she is pregnant or not? I’m really tired and want to go to bed.”  
  
I know. That was really rude to say. I just couldn’t think properly anymore. Absence seizures always left me confused and feeling weird for at least half an hour, but it could affect me for nearly the rest of my day. I would always say things I didn’t mean and do things without thinking. I was messed up, and couldn’t deny it.  
  
“The, umm, test is still in the bathroom,” Abagail told me.  
  
I nodded and started walking, but in the complete opposite direction. After a couple of steps I realised my mistake and turned around, “wrong direction,” I stumbled as I started making my way in the right direction.  
  
Jack grabbed me before I could fall over, “Isle, are you ok?”  
  
I held onto his arms and stared at my hands for a while, as if I was realising something, “Yeah, yeah, all good,” my voice sounded so far away to me, “This isn’t about me, this is about Abagail, we should help her.”  
  
“You need to tell me if something’s wrong.”  
  
I shrugged him off and went to the bathroom, but I didn’t make it. I somehow tripped and fell to the floor, making a loud thump echo through the house. Jack and Abagail came running towards me, but I had pushed myself up, using the wall, before they could come help. I could feel myself swaying a bit and knew that if I stopped leaning against the wall, I would fall again.  
  
Jack rushed to my side and tried to aid me in regaining my balance, “I don’t think you’re ok, I don’t know what to do, should I call your brother?”  
  
I looked down and shook my head, “no… no, he’s… he’s… he’s gone with my mom to… to the funeral thingy… yeah, my uncle’s… no wait, my… my mom’s best friend’s grave… to…. to support her… he… he can’t… can’t come back,” I looked up at Jack, “holy shit, I’m so confused right now!”  
  
“Ok, I think it’s time for you to go to bed,” Jack said, but it sounded more like a question. He picked me up bridal style and went to bring me to the bedroom.  
  
“No,” I whined, “we don’t even know whether she’s pregnant or not! You’re like those annoying commercials on TV! They always stop before you get to know who wins!”  
  
Jack sighed apathetically and made a detour to the bathroom. He grabbed the pregnancy test, without putting me down, and studied it. After a while he placed it back on the counter and turned to the door.  
  
“Abagail, you’re not pregnant!” he shouted, threw the test on the counter and started beelining to the bedroom.  
  
I heard Abagail run up to us, “Oh my god! Really! Thank god!”  
  
“Yeah, umm, you can take the guest bedroom. Goodnight.” He shoved past Abagail. Jack seemed annoyed, frustrated, and fed up.  
  
“Oh, uh, yeah, thanks… Goodnight.”  
  
Jack took me to the bedroom, not allowing me anytime to say goodnight to Abagail. He carefully placed me on the bed and sat down on the edge beside me. I finally noticed how bad my head was spinning and how tired I was.  
  
“I’m so sorry, baby,” Jack grabbed my hand and brought it to him mouth so he could place delicate kisses on my knuckles. He placed it back and started moving the hair out of my face, instead, “I love you.”  
  
“I love you too,” I trailed my fingers over his hand.  
  
He gave me a small smile, “do you want me to help you put on your pajamas?”  
  
I lazily shook my head again, “no, can you give them to me, though?”  
  
“Anything for you,” he kissed my forehead before going to my bag and handing me the clothing articles, “I’ll turn around.”  
  
It took me a while to clumsily take my clothes off and put on the comfortable shirt and pants. I looked down and my shirt and told Jack that he could turn back around, “is my shirt inside out?”  
  
Jack chuckled, “yeah, do you want to fix it?”  
  
Instead of answering, I fell down onto the bed and got underneath the covers. Jack walked up to the other side and stripped off all his clothes, except his boxers. I was probably staring, but he was right in my line of sight and I couldn’t be bothered to look away. He wrapped me in his arms after he joined me in bed and I sighed in content.  
  
“Goodnight, baby,” he kissed the back of my head.  
  
“Were you really going to kiss Abagail?” I blurted out.  
  
“Umm… No. Well, I was thinking of maybe giving her closure, but then realised how stupid I was being. It would only ruin my relationship with the perfect girl.”  
  
“I’m not perfect. Look at me. I’m messed up. What’s even happening?”


	26. And You're Trying To Say...?

I woke up on top of Jack, and when I mean on top, I literally mean on top. My chest was touching his chest, my arms were either side of his head, and my legs were in between his long lanky ones. The covers were scrunched up like a messy paper ball at our feet, and the pillow to my left was left lonely. I looked at the digital clock on the bedside table. Bright orange lights formed the numbers 3:29. Normally I would snuggle further against Jack and fall back asleep, but I really needed some advil and a trip to the bathroom. This time I didn’t think about it for another couple of hours, and just got up. With a headache like the one I had, I wouldn’t have been able to fall back asleep.  
  
I tried getting up slowly, hoping I wouldn’t wake up Jack. But of course, that was impossible in the position we were sleeping. We were basically glued together. Jack stirred after I had managed to stand up without making the floorboards creak. He stopped moving and I thought I was in the clear, but I was proven wrong. I took my first step when my hand was suddenly grabbed. My heart stopped for a second and I jumped. It was literally terrifying to have someone grab your hand in the dark without you knowing.  
  
“Where are you going?” Jack mumbled, his eyes barely open as he studied my silhouette.  
  
“I need some advil and have to use the bathroom,” I explained, hoping he would let me go so I could hurry up.  
  
“Ok, I thought you were leaving me, you seemed so careful and quiet.”  
  
“I’ll never leave you… Now, let me go or I’ll pee right here. Drinking way too many glasses of water and not going to the bathroom before you go to bed is a really bad idea.”  
  
He dropped my hand, “please come back afterward.”  
  
“I will,” I went to the bathroom and took two pills before using the bathroom.  
  
Jack seemed to show his soft side when he was basically still asleep. I guessed that today’s events really had him worried. He probably thought I was going to leave because of the pregnancy scare; I would realize what a mistake it was to date him and leave without saying goodbye, just like the many one night stands he had. But I wasn’t going to do that. Sure, I did think that this relationship would eventually end, but that wouldn’t be for a long while. It was pretty scary knowing that this could either turn into us staying together for the rest of our lives, or have us breaking up. There was no way either Jack and I were ever going to settle down, it just wasn’t how we worked. But as long as this relationship was doing well, I would not give up on it.  
  
I trudged back into the bathroom, not being able to see anything in the darkness, and found my way back to the bed. Positioning myself, I made sure to fall right back on top of Jack. He let out a groan and a lot of air.  
  
I nuzzled my face in the crook of his neck, “I came back.”  
  
“You literally take my breath away,” he said, still out of breath completely.  
  
“Good.”  
  
We stopped talking and the buzzing of the radiators took over. I slowly started drifting back to sleep, when I noticed something; something I didn’t even want to deal with right now.  
  
“Jack,” I groaned, “why?”  
  
“What?... Oh… Sorry,” he realized what I was talking about, “there’s a hot girl on top of me, I can’t really do anything about it.”  
  
“Just think about your parents making out of something. I’m comfortable and want to sleep, I’m not moving.”  
  
“That probably won’t work, plus I’m seeing them in a couple of hours. I don’t want to think about that and this when I see them again.”  
  
“Ok, well, goodnight then.”  
  
“You’re not going to let me deal with it?”  
  
“No, I’m making you suffer. Goodnight, Jack.”  
  
\----  
  
The second time I woke up, Jack was nowhere to be seen. I was left all alone with the covers hugging me, making me think that Jack tucked me in to keep me warm while he was gone. The room was actually filled with light coming through the curtains and from the door that was ajar. I decided to get untangled from the duvet and got up. One of Jack’s sweatshirts was hanging out of the closet, so I grabbed it and pulled it over my head. After getting out of bed, I often got cold, especially if I had a blanket around me.  
  
I was hit with the smell of something sweet when I was walking downstairs. It came from the kitchen. I went into the kitchen to find Jack standing at the stove. He looked very concentrated on the food he was making, so I quietly walked up to him and slithered my arms around his waist, resting my head in between his shoulder blades.  
  
“Holy fuck, you scared me,” Jack chuckled and turned around. I got a quick glance of the pancakes there were being cooked. There were some already stacked on a plate, while there were three more in the pan.  
  
“I like scaring you” I mumbled into his chest before looking up at him and smirking.  
  
“I would take offense to that, but you look too fucking sexy in my sweatshirt.”  
  
“Well, it’s very comfortable and I was cold, I guess that’s just a bonus.”  
  
Jack leaned forward to kiss me, but I stopped him, “something’s burning, Jack.”  
  
“What!” He jumped so that he was facing the pan and started screaming overdramatically, “No! My pancakes! You’re too hot for them! You’re burning them! Ahh!”  
  
“Shh!” I giggled, “you’re going to wake Abagail up!”  
  
“I’m already up,” a voice said from behind us. I turned around to see it was Abagail. Of course, it was her, I mean who else would it be? Some random intruder? She looked at me, “umm, Ireland, can I talk to you?”  
  
“Yeah, sure,” I started walking to her, but Jack quickly pulled me back to give me a peck on the lips before letting me go.  
  
Abagail and I both went to the corridor. I felt pretty embarrassed that Jack decided to kiss me before I could talk to her; I didn’t want to rub it in her face. And the way I acted yesterday was unacceptable. I was being pretty rude, and I felt terrible because of it.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.  
  
“About what?” She asked me.  
  
“About yesterday evening, about walking in on you and Jack, about my relationship with Jack.”  
  
“No, don’t be sorry, you shouldn’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry. I broke our promise, and I came here with the worst problem ever. I could have ruined your whole relationship! What if I actually was pregnant with his baby, what then? And how stupid was I to come here crying without even taking a pregnancy test beforehand!”  
  
“Maybe you were hoping that Jack would get together with you. You made me think I did something wrong; that me walking in on you guys was the worst thing I could possibly do. I should have been the one ignoring you, you broke the promise, not me.”  
  
“I didn’t exactly break the promise.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You said that it was allowed if we actually had feelings for each other…”  
  
Wait. What? She liked Jack; she had feelings for Jack! What I said was just a theory, I didn’t actually think she came here in hopes that Jack would like her back and be with her because of her ‘being pregnant’.  
  
“I thought Jack actually liked me back,” Abagail continued, “but that obviously isn’t true…”  
  
“Oh my god, I-” I was about to say I was sorry, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sorry at all.  
  
“I made a mistake, and seeing Jack care for you like that. He actually loves you! Of course, there’s part of me that wishes it’s me, but look at you guys. Deep inside I knew that Jack would never be like that with me, yet I still came here.”  
  
“It’s ok, Abagail, you had a pregnancy scare. It happens.”  
  
“I don’t understand. I fucked Jack and you aren’t mad at me.”  
  
“Why would I be? It’s in the past. It happened before we got together. Sure, I was a bit shocked to find out Jack actually had feelings for me when you guys slept together, but-” I suddenly realized what I had said.  
  
“What! Oh, my god. I really fucked up! I shouldn’t have persuaded him. He said he didn’t want to, yet I still did it! I basically raped him!”  
  
“Ok, wait. Hang on. Let’s go back to what you wanted to talk to me about. I don’t really get it. You keep saying you’re sorry and that sleeping with Jack was a mistake, but you also keep telling me that you have feelings for him. I also caught you trying to kiss him yesterday. I don’t know what you’re trying to say here.”  
  
“I’m trying to say that I do like Jack, but that sleeping with him was a mistake. I’m very sorry about that. I’m also very sorry about showing up here yesterday. Yes, I did try to kiss him, but I was so confused. I didn’t know it at the time, but, being totally honest, I came here hoping that Jack and I could be something, but I already knew I had made another mistake when I showed up, you opened the door and Jack called you babe. I’m trying to say that everything I did was a mistake. I’m going to try to get over Jack, and I hope we can be friends again.”  
  
“Friends again! Are you crazy! We never stopped being friends! I just hope to never find you fucking Jack again.”  
  
“Ok, I promise,” she grinned and I pulled her into a hug.  
  
“Just one thing,” I asked after we let go of each other, “why did you think you were pregnant? I mean, I caught you before that could have happened, even though it is possible.”  
  
“Umm… you don’t wanna know…”  
  
I thought about it for a while before understanding what she meant, “oh. How many times?”  
  
“Four, five if you hadn’t walked in.”  
  
“You’re right. I did not want to know. What I do want is some pancakes. Let’s go see if Jack is finished yet.”  
  
We both went back to the kitchen and I screamed out Jack’s name. He let out a weird ‘Jacky’ yell, which you could always recognize. After putting the last three pancakes on the plate, he made us sit down at the kitchen table before sitting down himself.  
  
\---  
  
I had convinced Jack to take me to my apartment before we went to meet his parents at a cafe. I wanted to change into some other clothes; some clothes that I didn’t always wear after staying at the hospital for a while. Jack told me I always looked beautiful and that I didn’t need to change, his parents wouldn’t mind. But I wanted to put on some other clothes. It wasn’t because I was afraid his parents would judge me. You know what I mean?  
  
“So, Abagail, do you need a lift?” Jack asked as he got his car keys.  
  
“Oh, no, it’s fine. You don’t need to drive me anywhere,” she excused.  
  
“Isle and I are going anyway, so it doesn’t matter. It won’t be any extra work.”  
  
“In that case, sure. Where are you guys going?”  
  
“First we’re going to her place and then downtown to a cafe to meet my parents.”  
  
“I’ll be able to walk from Ireland’s place. I need to do some stuff in the area.”  
  
Jack put on his shoes and jacket, “well, we are going to go now, so get ready.”  
  
“Wait!” I exclaimed, “I need to get my bag from upstairs!”  
  
“Ugh! Hurry up!”  
  
I quickly ran up to the bedroom and grabbed my bag. When I got back downstairs I found Jack and Abagail waiting at the already opened front door. I quickly got in the passenger seat, forcing Abagail to sit in the backseat. It was only fair, wasn’t it? When I closed the door and rested against the window I started thinking. Jack had to leave again soon, or at least I expected him to. He hadn’t told me when, but I knew that they rarely had time in between tours. It had already been a couple of days. Maybe he was making me meet his parents this early because he knew there wouldn’t be any other time to do it. To be honest, I didn’t mind. I just hoped I was able to visit him on tour this time. Something told me he was going to be gone for a very long time this time.  
  
“Hey, Jack, turn on some music,” I said to distract myself.  
  
“Umm, sure,” He stopped at a red light and connected his phone to the car before shuffling a playlist.  
  
A familiar song came on. Scary electrical sounds came through the speaker and a quick drum beat came in. Jack cleared his throat, “I could change it if you want me to.”  
  
“No!” I exclaimed and waited for the first verse to start, “There's an infestation in my mind's imagination, I hope that they choke on smoke 'cause I'm smoking them out the basement, This is not rap, this is not hip-hop, Just another attempt to make the voices stop, Rapping to prove nothing, just writing to say something, 'Cause I wasn't the only one who wasn't rushing to sayin' nothing, This doesn't mean I lost my dream, It's just right now I got a really crazy mind to clean.”  
  
“Umm. Okay?” Jack’s mouth was agape.  
  
“I actually didn’t mess up that time. I could do the second verse, but I could only mess up on that and it wouldn’t be impressive anymore.”  
  
“Woah. That was amazing. I didn’t know you could rap.”  
  
“I can’t. This is more like really fast talking.”  
  
“I agree with Jack,” Abagail butted in.  
  
“I actually know the guys; Tyler and Josh. They’re my friends,” Jack piped up.  
  
“What! No way!” now I was the one to be flabbergasted.  
  
“Yeah, they’re some pretty cool dudes.”  
  
A couple of songs and some bad signing from Jack later, we finally got to the block the apartment building was on. Jack was able to pull over in front of the building, so we didn’t have to walk far; sometimes you could only park a couple of blocks down. Abagail said her goodbyes to us and Jack and I went up the stairs.  
  
“Why the fuck doesn't this building have an elevator?” Jack desperately tried to catch his breath.  
  
“Because it’s an old building,” I shrugged and took the last steps to the door to the loft, “what time are we meeting your parents?”  
  
“At one, so we have to leave a bit before that.”  
  
“Oh, so I still have time to take a shower.”  
  
“No! We will be late!”  
  
I rolled my eyes and went to my bedroom, Jack not far behind me, “We literally have 45 minutes. It will literally take me no more than 15 minutes max.”  
  
“Ok, fine,” Jack sighed dramatically.  
  
I quickly kissed him before running into my bathroom and locking the door. After I had taken off all my clothes, I got underneath the warm water. Trying to prove a point to Jack, I rushed washing my hair, washing myself, and I actually shaved for once. I jumped out of the shower, turned it off, and towel dried my hair. Because I had forgotten to bring any clothes with me, I walked out with just a towel.  
  
“How long did that take me?” I asked.  
  
Jack swirled around in my desk chair, “ten minutes.”  
  
“That was pretty good, especially since I also managed to shave. Especially since I managed to do it without-” I looked at my legs, “nevermind, I did cut myself. But it’s so smooth and soft now.”  
  
Jack got up and touched my leg, “oh my god, so smooth, so leg, so amazing.”  
  
I pulled away and chuckled, “you’re creepy.”  
  
“Thank you, it’s a talent.”  
  
I rolled my eyes before turning around, walking to my closet and dropping my towel. Jack made a weird noise that sounded something like a gasp, harsh breath in, and a squeak all at the same time. If I hadn’t realized what I had done, I would have thought he was choking. I quickly picked up my towel and wrapped it around myself. That shouldn’t have happened, I felt so awkward.  
  
I turned around and saw Jack with his mouth wide open and his eyes popping out of his skull, “You didn’t see anything.”  
  
“I didn’t see anything,” he repeated robotically, in a daze.  
  
“Jack. You didn’t see anything.”  
  
He raised his hands and slowly turned around so his back would face me, “I didn’t see anything. I don’t even know what we are talking about anymore. What even happened? I don’t know, do you? I definitely don't.”  
  
My heart was beating fast and I just hoped he didn’t see too much. This was not my intention. I did not want him to see me naked, yet. I knew he wouldn’t do me any harm, but I didn’t feel comfortable like I had said so many times before. Hopefully, he didn’t expect more of me soon. I was not ready for that; not at all ready.  
  
I quickly put on some random clean underwear and rummaged around to find anything I wanted to wear. Something about Jack seeing me naked had really caused me to panic. Eventually, I settled on a burgundy skater skirt, a white loose-fit sweater, a leather/denim jacket some thigh-high socks to cover my legs. My shoes were some simple black high heeled ankle boots, and I put on a baby pink scarf to keep myself warm.  
  
“Ok, I’m finished,” I announced while looking around for the necklace Jack had given me.  
  
Jack grinned at the sight of me, making me think he was imagining me naked, but that wasn’t the case, “you look very beautiful and fancy?”  
  
“Fancy?” I found the necklace on my desk and tried putting it on myself, “I haven’t had much time to wear normal clothes, so I thought I’d wear it now.”  
  
“Oh, I thought you were dressing up for my parents. You would have had to do that,” Jack approached me and helped me with the locket, “this is the necklace I gave you, isn’t it?”  
  
“Yeah, I really like it. I’ve been wearing it a lot.”  
  
“I’m glad you like it,” he trailed his hands over my sides, making me shiver, “because I really like you,” he started moving my hair to the side, but I quickly stepped out of his reach. This didn’t feel right.  
  
“Umm, would you like something to drink before we leave?” I tried finding an excuse.  
  
He frowned and took a step towards me, making me back away, “are you ok?”  
  
“Y-yeah. Everything’s fine.”  
  
“Isle, I can tell something’s wrong.”  
  
“It’s nothing. There’s a memory resurfacing, but I can’t find out what it is, it won’t let me see.”  
  
“And you’re scared of me because of that?”  
  
“I’m not scared of you.”  
  
“Then why are you backing away from me?” He took another step towards me to prove his point.  
  
Just like he expected, I took another step away from him, “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s ok. We have to go now anyway, we will talk about this later. I’ve been able to help you out with other memories, we will find out what this one is, as well.”  
  
“Ok,” I nodded, “I’ll just try to forget about it now.”  
  
“Just remember I’m here for you and that I love you.”


	27. The 'rents

Jack and I were standing outside of the cafe. I hadn’t been there before, but it looked like a really nice place. There were already traces of coffee aroma outside and the atmosphere inside seemed comfortable and warm.  
  
“They’re already inside, I can see them,” Jack looked through the large window as we walked past it, “I’m actually nervous.”  
  
“If you’re nervous, how am I supposed to feel?” I chuckled and held Jack’s hand tighter, “they’re your parents, you know them, I don’t”  
  
“It will be fine, I promise,” He kissed my forehead before opening the door, “you look really hot by the way.”  
  
“Well thank you, I actually sort of tried.”  
  
Jack lead me to the table. There was an older couple sitting next to each other on one end of the table. They looked older than my parents, but then again Jack and a much older brother and sister, and my parents had Cam and me when they were pretty young. My mom was 27 when Cam and I were born. I didn’t plan on having kids, but if I did I would wait until my mid-thirties. Luckily there was nothing to worry about, I still had at least 10 years.  
  
The man and woman stood up and both gave Jack a hug. I just stood there awkwardly; I wasn’t good at meeting people. They exchanged some short words before all the attention was on me. I really did not know what to do. Like I had told Jack long ago, one thing I wanted to change about myself was how shy I was.  
  
Fortunately, Jack spoke up, “so, this is the person I wanted you guys to meet. This is Ireland, my girlfriend. Ireland, these are my parents.”  
  
“Hi,” I timidly waved.  
  
“Before you start calling us Mr. and Mrs. Barakat, please call me Joyce, and this is Bassam,” Jack’s mom smiled and pointed and the man. She then looked at Jack, “you never told us you had a girlfriend.”  
  
“That’s because we have only been together for just under two months and I’ve been on tour for half of that time,” Jack explained, “but I’ve brought her here to meet you now.”  
  
“Well, why don’t we take a seat?”  
  
Jack sat opposite of his father and I went to sit opposite of Joyce but Jack stopped me, “I would like to appreciate how beautiful she looks now. Normally she wears sweatpants and sweatshirts, so it’s a nice change.”  
  
“I do not!” I exclaimed and sat down.  
  
“Yes, you do.”  
  
“Only because I’m either at the hospital, just gotten out of the hospital, or because it’s the day after I had to stay at the hospital. So far I have not had to be admitted, so I thought I would take my chance and actually wear something normal for once.”  
  
“Hey, I’m not complaining.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
There was some silence and Jack’s mom smiled between me and Jack before asking me a question, “so, Ireland, tell us a bit about yourself.”  
  
“Sure, what do you want to know? There’s not much to know about me. I can tell you my age, which is 23, I have a twin brother, umm, yeah, I’m not that interesting,” I explained and pushed some hair behind my ear.  
  
“She’s lying!” Jack interrupted, “she’s really awesome and interesting.”  
  
I rolled my eyes, “Not really.”  
  
“There’s so much stuff, though. First of all, she’s amazing at photography, my profile picture on twitter is a photo she took when we just met each other. She nearly fell into a river to take it. And she dances. Like, seriously, it looks awesome. I saw her give lessons once.”  
  
“Yeah, well, I don’t dance as much anymore. I only get to once a week because my doctor told me to cut back. I also rarely get the chance to go out and take photos; I can’t drive anywhere anymore and I’m too busy going in and out of the hospital.”  
  
I looked up at Jack’s parents and saw they were pretty confused with a hint of worry. They were probably wondering what I meant when I said I was always at the hospital, but they didn’t want to be rude and ask. I didn’t mind them knowing, though. If I was planning on being with Jack, his parents should also know.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I chuckled, “I forgot you don’t know what’s wrong with me. Well, neither do I. I can tell you what I know, though. I got in a car crash and 21 years old, the doctors said I was going to die, but my parents held on and kept me going for a year until I finally woke up from my coma. The only problem was, I didn’t know I was 22 already, I thought I was 16 because I’m missing a chunk of my memory, but Jack here has somehow been helping me remember stuff. So, then a couple of weeks ago I had a life threatening seizure out of the blue. Since then, they have been doing tests on me. Yesterday I came out of the hospital again because two days ago I had a terrible nosebleed. They don’t have all my results yet, and nobody knows what's wrong with me so far. And that’s basically my life story.”  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Bassam gave me a sympathetic smile.  
  
“It’s ok. I’m used to it, I think it’s harder on Jack than it is on me. He doesn’t really know what to do.”  
  
“I’m getting better at it, though!” Jack argued, “I know how to deal with your seizures and I know some sign language!”  
  
“You do? Already?”  
  
“Well, just one thing…” He proceeded to sign ‘how are you?’  
  
“Pretty impressive... “ I signed back my answer ‘OK, and you?’  
  
“I still have a long way to go.”  
  
“You should know ‘ok’, it will be pretty important. Only knowing the question isn’t that useful.”  
  
“Ugh, I’ll just ask your brother to help me out sometime. He knows the most common things.”  
  
Exactly after Jack said ‘my brother’, my phone started ringing. And of course, coincidentally it was my brother. But then again, who else would actually call me? I didn’t have any friends. Jack and Cameron were literally the only ones that would contact me.  
  
“I’m sorry, it’s my brother, there isn’t any reason for him to call me, so I’m going to answer in case it’s an emergency,” I said before I picked up the phone.  
  
“It’s ok, go ahead,” Joyce smiled at me.  
  
“Hey, Field?” my brother's voice came from the other end, “I’m at home right now. And I was wondering how to work the oven…”  
  
“The oven? Why do you need that?” I furrowed my eyebrows.  
  
“It’s an emergency, trust me.”  
  
“Umm… Cam? You never need to oven, what the fuck are you trying to do? You will burn the place down.”  
  
“Oh come on. I’ve gotta learn sometime. I don’t know how this thing works and it really is an emergency!”  
  
“What is the emergency?”  
  
“I’m trying to make a pizza.”  
  
“So, you’re calling me to tell me you’re having an emergency. And your emergency is that you can’t figure out how to turn on the oven to make a pizza.”  
  
“Exactly! Help me here, Field! I don’t know what all these weird symbols mean!”  
  
“Oh my god,” I groaned, “ok, send me a picture of the box and of the oven. I’ll circle exactly which settings you need to put it on.”  
  
“Thank you! You’re amazing! You literally saved my life!”  
  
“Yes, ok, glad I could make sure you’d live for another day. I’ve got to go now.”  
  
I hung up before he could say anything back. Cam really was the weirdest person alive. I just didn’t want him to burn anything, so I was going to help him. He sent me the picture and I quickly edited them so the right settings were circled in red. At least he was trying to learn new things.  
  
“I am terrified to go back home now,’ I chuckled and out my phone away.  
  
“What why?” Jack asked.  
  
“Because Cam is trying to use the oven.”  
  
“Oh god no. He’s going to burn the building down!”  
  
“That’s what I said!”  
  
Jack turned to his parents, “she lives with her brother. He used to look after her, but he then lost his job and it was Ireland’s turn to care for him. Let’s just say he was pretty lazy, but now that Isle is having problems again, he’s trying to get back out and do things.”  
  
“And some of them are pretty terrifying, like this one,” I added matter of factly, “my family is pretty weird.”  
  
After that, we ordered some drinks and some food. Small talk was made the entire time and Jack’s parents got to know me while I also got to know them. They were actually very nice, not that I expected anything else; it wasn’t even like they were testing me to see if I was good enough for Jack. I guessed they trusted Jack and his own decisions, his love life wasn’t much of their business anyway.  
  
Jack reached out to try to steal some of my food, but I hit his hand away. Using the trick I had learned at a young age, I quickly took a bite of his food without him noticing until I put it in my mouth. He gasped melodramatically, “you bastard!”  
  
I shrugged, “it tastes pretty good.”  
  
“How did you even-”  
  
“I have a brother, I know the tricks. It’s survival of the fittest, you know.”  
  
“I don’t think I can trust you anymore.”  
  
“Sucks to be you,” I stole more of his food and grinned while I was eating it.  
  
“Stop stealing my food!” He whined and tried taking a bite from mine again. This time I actually allowed him, I wasn’t actually against him eating my food. You know what I mean? But Jack actually looked pretty satisfied when he was able to get some of my food without me hitting him.  
  
We finished off our food and Jack paid the bill. I insisted on paying some of it, but Jack refused. He even told his dad to keep his wallet in his pocket and not even try. Jack’s reason was that there were probably going to be many other times for us to pay. I didn’t mind if that was actually true, I liked Jack’s parents and being around them was pretty fun.  
  
“How about we go for a walk in the park down the road?” Bassam suggested.  
  
Jack shrugged and looked at me for an answer. I put my hands up, “don’t look at me. I have nothing to do, so I don’t mind.”  
  
“A walk it is then,” Joyce smiled and put on her jacket.  
  
I picked up my bag and followed everybody out. As soon as we started our walk, Jack took hold of my hand and brought me closer. I happily intertwined my fingers with his so our grip was tighter and inseparable. Jack’s father started walking beside me.  
  
“So, Ireland, what’s your family like?” He asked.  
  
I looked at him and pretended to think, “well, my brother is really weird. He used to be in a band, actually, but they broke up. And my parents are really amazing. My mom and I are pretty close, have been my entire life. My dad is rarely at home, but I still see him every chance I get. His job requires him to travel a lot. But I guess it will only help me when Jack is gone for long tours,” I looked at Jack, “which reminds me, when are you leaving again?”  
  
Jack seemed to be counting in his head, “in six days, for two months.”  
  
“Oh, that’s not that long. I can survive two months. But, if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to come visit you this time.”  
  
“What! Really?”  
  
“Yeah, I checked up with Val, and she told me I needed to be two and a half weeks clear of seizures. So far it’s not going well, but when this medication kicks in, it might work out.”  
  
Jack knocked on my head, “ok, brain. So here’s the deal. You don’t mess with her, and we will be cool, ok?”  
  
We were walking down a long pathway with tall trees on either side, their branches were hanging above us, their leaves barely starting to grow. It was only March, so there wasn’t much exciting happening; trees weren’t blooming yet, and flowers hadn’t started growing, but soon it would happen and I would be able to take tons of beautiful pictures. Spring was always the best time of the year.  
  
We walked past a pond and Jack pointed at the ducks, “look, it’s your spirit animal!”  
  
“Jack!” Joyce started scolding him, but I cut her off by running towards them.  
  
I quickly took my bag from my back and took out some bread I had in it for some reason. To get on the same level as the ducks, I squatted and tried my best not to fall over and hurt myself. I broke off small pieces of the white bread and threw them into the crowd, watching as the ducks hurried towards the crumbs. When I had thrown about half of the bread, a shadow came from beside me. I looked up and saw it was a little girl, who looked 2 years old, and she was crying.  
  
“Hey,” I tried calming her down, “are you lost?”  
  
She nodded and wiped some of her tears away while still frantically crying.  
  
“Do you know where your parents are?”  
  
She shook her head, making her brown hair swoop.  
  
“Oh. How about we wait here to see if they come? We can continue feeding the ducks. Do you want to try?”  
  
Too shy to talk, she nodded and I told her to hold out her hand. I ripped off a piece and gave it to her. Together we made smaller pieces and laughed as the ducks got confused and didn’t know where to go anymore. Some even started fighting about one piece while another one was just a foot or so away.  
  
I looked up and saw a man and woman looking around and panicking, “hey, are those your mom and dad?”  
  
The girl looked at where I was pointing and nodded. I could get the attention of the couple, so I asked the girl if she was ok with me picking her up. Once again, the nodded and I walked the short journey to the opposite side of the lake. The mom saw us and looked so relieved.  
  
She ran up to us, “thank you so much! We looked away for a second and she disappeared. Thank you so so much.”  
  
“It’s no problem, we were feeding the ducks until we found you,” I smiled and gave the child back to her mother. She wriggled around until her mother put her down, and ran towards her father.  
  
“I really can’t thank you enough.”  
  
“It really isn’t a problem. I’m just happy I found her instead of some creepy person,” I felt a tapping on my leg and I looked down to see it was the girl with a toy in her hand.  
  
I squatted down to ask her what it was, and she handed it to me as if she wanted me to keep it, “you want me to have this?” I looked at the plastic horse I was given.  
  
She timidly nodded and took out another horse, one that she was going to keep. I felt bad walking away without giving something back to her, so I rummaged through my bag and found a keychain with a plush duck attached to it, “here, have this. It’s to remind you of the cute ducks and that you have to be careful while playing. You shouldn’t go too far away from your parents.”  
  
Something twinkled in her eyes as she looked at it. It was like this gift was the best she ever received. She let out a small ‘thank you’ and hugged it close to her chest. I stood back up and told her I needed to get going after I saw Jack and his parents looking at me from where I was feeding the ducks. They thanked me again, and I went back to my boyfriend.  
  
“Sorry about that,” I excused, “she was lost.”  
  
“You handled it pretty well,” Jack looked impressed.  
  
“How would you have handled it?”  
  
“Not as well as that,” Joyce chuckled, “Jack knows what to do with his fans and with his nieces and nephews, but he does not how to deal with strangers’ kids.”  
  
“Well, I got a plastic horse, so I must have done something right,” I showed them the brown miniature horse I was given.  
  
“Are you actually going to keep it?” Jack asked as we started walking again.  
  
“Yeah,” I shrugged, “I try to treasure any memory I can.”  
  
\----  
  
After the walk, Jack and I said goodbye to his parents. They told us they would love to do something together again and Bassam even told Jack to make sure to care for me and not screw it up. I guessed they actually liked me. They didn’t even care about my health problems. It was like it was just another thing about me, not something that controlled me. I was afraid they wouldn’t have thought I was good enough for their son because my condition could get in the way. Nobody knew how serious it was, maybe I could drop dead in the next couple of seconds, but it could also have no effect whatsoever.  
  
Jack had driven me back home and decided to come up. But when we got there, something unexpected happened. We opened the door to find another voice talking to my brother… A voice I recognized. Jack gave me a questioning look and I raised my shoulders. Neither of us knew what was going on.  
  
We walked further into the apartment and found my brother talking to another man who had his back towards us. I took a couple of seconds to register what was going on before I finally knew who the person was. No fucking way. What was he doing here!  
  
I let out a squeal, making him turn around, and ran up to him to give him a hug, “John! What are you doing here?”  
  
He hugged me back tightly before letting me go, “I was here to talk to your brother, I was thinking of starting up the band again, I actually found a new lead guitar player and drummer. But he isn’t sure if he wants to start again.”  
  
I glared at my brother, “Cam. No. You know you want to.”  
  
“Maybe…” Cameron whistled.  
  
“Exactly. You do. You’ve been playing the guitar again, and your voice is probably fine.”  
  
“You sing?” Jack directed to Cameron from behind me. I totally forgot he was here.  
  
I took this time to introduce Jack and John to each other, “oh, yeah, right. Jack, this is John, John this is Jack.”  
  
John stared at Jack with wide eyes, making Cam chuckle, “I had a similar reaction, but it’s a daily thing for me now.”  
  
“Oh, umm, sorry,” John excused and looked away quickly.  
  
“So, John, how’s everyone doing? How’s Emily?” I asked, changing the subject.  
  
“Everything’s good. And Emily’s three years old now. She actually asked about you a couple of times, she misses you.”  
  
“Aww, I miss her too! I want to see her again soon.”  
  
“We actually need someone to babysit her the day after tomorrow, if you want you can do it.”  
  
“Yes!” I might have said it a bit too quickly, but I was so eager to see the little girl. I always used to babysit her during shows and over time we had grown really close. She was really fond of me and I enjoy seeing her spaz around.  
  
“Ok, that’s settled then. I’ll text you later after I’ve discussed it with Trisha,” he smiled, “I have to go now, or else she will get mad at me for not coming home before dinner.”  
  
As soon as he left, Jack picked me up and ran towards my room. I laughed as I was hanging over his shoulder, the blood rushing to my head and my lungs barely filling with air. He closed my bedroom door and put me back on the floor, not allowing me any time before he grabbed my neck and started kissing me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the movement our lips made. His hand was still firmly holding me, but not tight enough to hurt me; it was supportive and loving. My fingers slithered up and played with his dark hair. Together we were becoming one.  
  
We pulled apart to catch our breath and I stated, “bed?”  
  
Jack nodded and followed me to my mattress. He got on top of me and connected our lips again. I let my hands glide over his chest before going up and resting them on his back and shoulder blades. Jack’s hands went to my legs and rested just above my knees; I didn’t think much of it yet. My heart was beating fast and adrenaline was pumping through me. I couldn’t resist biting my lip as Jack started trailing kisses down my jawline and onto my neck. But when his hands started wandering up to my thighs, underneath my skirt, I started becoming more uncomfortable. He kept going until his hands reached the waistband of my panties and his fingers hook onto it. I tried stopping him, but it came out as a moan instead. He started tugging on my panties, and I couldn’t take it anymore.  
  
“Jack,” I managed to say this time and moved his hands away.  
  
He stopped, froze, and then broke apart before looking at me with concerned eyes, “oh my god. I’m so sorry. I got so into it, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry.”  
  
“Jack, it’s ok,” I tried calming him down.  
  
“No, you told me before that you don’t have any memory of doing it, I shouldn’t have just gone for it.”  
  
This was it; this was my chance to tell him. It would only be awkward if I brought it up another time, “I’m still a virgin.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I’m still a virgin, haven’t had sexual intercourse, didn’t ever do anything sexual with someone else, I don’t know, how else do you want me to explain? I understand if you’re uncomfortable with that.”  
  
“No, it’s not that. Just, how do you know?”  
  
“I asked Cameron, we always tell each other everything. I know the entire story of how he lost his virginity, and I’m scarred for life because of it.”  
  
“So you can’t remember simple things, but you can remember that?”  
  
“Well, it was when we were 14, of course I remember that.”  
  
“He was 14!”  
  
“Yeah, and he regretted it, so he got me to wait. When did you lose your virginity?”  
  
“Umm, that doesn’t matter,” he tried distracting me by pecking me on the lips.  
  
I giggled, “that early?”  
  
“It doesn’t matter,” Jack urged and grinned down at me.  
  
“I bet all the teenage girls in your school really wanted the guy who was in a band.”  
  
“Yeah, everybody really wanted Alex…”  
  
I hit his chest lightly, “you know what I mean!”  
  
“Yeah. The weird thing is there are still tons of teenage girls that want me.”  
  
“Oh, competition,” I joked.  
  
“Never,” Jack shook his head, “you’re the only one I want.”  
  
“You’re the only one I want,” I smiled back shyly.


	28. Let's Talk About Kids

I was standing in front of the house that was so familiar to me, having just rang the doorbell. Jack was standing to my right. In case you were wondering, today was the day I got to babysit Emily again. But for some reason Jack insisted on coming with me. My brother was going along with John and his wife, and Jack was afraid something would happen to me. I hadn’t had a seizure for 2 days, so I didn’t know why he worried so much. The new medication seemed to be working.  
  
The door opened and John let us in. I forgot to mention to him that Jack was coming as well, but then again I didn’t know about it either until I was just getting ready to leave. John was looking at us with a questioning look, but didn’t say anything. I was going to have to explain this, but even I didn’t understand why Jack wouldn’t let me go alone.  
  
I sighed, “Jack’s too afraid to let me go anywhere alone, don’t mind him. I also don’t know why he followed me here.”  
  
“Excuse me,” Jack argued, “you might have a seizure. I don’t think a three year old will know what to do.”  
  
I rolled my eyes, “I haven’t had a seizure in 2 days, I’ll be fine.”  
  
“Exactly, two days, that’s been long already, you never know what will happen!”  
  
“I’m not arguing with you about this,” I turned back to John, “so where’s Trisha and Emily?”  
  
“Umm, Trisha is almost ready to go, and Emily is-” he was cut off by the small black-haired girl running up to us from the living room. She yelled out my name and I picked her up.  
  
I grinned down at her excited face, ‘Hey, you’ve grown so big already! How old are you now?”  
  
She clumsily showed three fingers, “three!”  
  
“Wow! Already! You’re so grown up already!”  
  
She giggled as I put her down, and held my hand before starting to drag me along, “I got new pens for my birthday.”  
  
Just before we went around the corner, I saw Trisha walking down the stairs, so I called out, “hey Trisha! I’ll see you later!”  
  
“I see Emily’s already taken you, have fun!” Trisha shouted back.  
  
Emily and I entered the large living room. It was pretty obvious that John and his wife were a lot better off than me and Cameron, but that was probably because John had actually gone to university and managed to get a job and Trisha also had a good part time job. They were 4 years older than us, so John had just finished school when the band started. Cameron, on the other hand, was always in bands and didn’t even plan on going to college. Lucky for him, the band was doing pretty well, until they broke up. But now there was a big chance they were getting back together, with a different drummer and guitarist, that is.  
  
Emily lead me to the low table with all her drawing equipment. She immediately started explaining everything to me, from colors to how to use felt-tip pens. Of course I already knew everything, but I acted interested and ask her some really obvious questions. She looks so happy to know more than I did.  
  
A couple of minutes later I heard the front door open and close, and Jack walked in. He took a seat on the tiny chair next to me. Emily looked up from the drawing she was working on and stared at Jack without much emotion.  
  
Jack shifted a bit uncomfortably and cleared his throat, “I’m Jack, I’m a good friend of Ireland. You’re Emily, right?”  
  
Emily kept staring at him and didn’t say anything. She only nodded slightly and looked really shy. I decided to make her a bit less uncomfortable, “you were showing me how to use these markers, I’m pretty sure Jack is interested in them as well. He only knows how to write his name with a black one.”  
  
“That’s silly,” she giggled.  
  
“Hey, some people really like it, ok?” Jack chuckled at Emily, “but Ireland is right, I do want to know, these things you’ve drawn are really pretty. I want to draw like that.”  
  
“Here,” she handed him a handful of markers and a piece of paper, just like she had done with me a couple of minutes prior.  
  
Soon we were all drawing in quiet. Emily was drawing her own thing, I was working on writing Emily’s name graffiti style, and I had no clue what Jack was doing, but he seemed pretty concentrated. He had his tongue stuck out and everything. It was actually pretty cute, if I say so myself.  
  
“Hey, Ireland, look, I drew you,” Jack whispered to me. I finished coloring in the shape before looking up at Jack. He had drawn a stick figure with boobs, of course he would draw that. Why wouldn’t he?  
  
I grabbed it out of his hands and crumpled it up, “Jack!”  
  
“That was my masterpiece!”  
  
“No!” I stuffed in my pocket to throw away later.  
  
“What did he draw?” Emily asked innocently but also curiously.  
  
“Nothing.” I said and hit Jack. He hit me back and cowered away, causing me to hit him again. We ended up having a cat fight and Emily laughed at us. Eventually we stopped, but only after having realised it was going nowhere.  
  
“So, Emily, what did you draw?” Jack asked.  
  
She held up her drawing after quickly finishing. I could make out she had tried to draw me, Jack, and her. It was always so cute and funny seeing children trying to draw people, but many adults couldn’t do much better either. But kids had a good excuse, adult didn’t. There was only one thing about it that seemed off.  
  
“My hair isn’t red and black,” Jack laughed, “It’s white and black.”  
  
“But you can’t draw with white on white!” Emily explained in a childlike manner, “and I think this looks really cool!”  
  
“It does look really cool,” I agreed, “Jack, we should dye your hair so it matches the drawing.”  
  
“No way,” Jack shook his head.  
  
“Come on. We still have so much time! You can always bleach it again. All we have to do it go to a store and buy some red hair dye.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Please!” Emily and I said at the same time. I even used the puppy dog eyes, I knew it would convince Jack.  
  
“Ugh, fine. But only because you’re looking at me like that. You are paying if I have to bleach it again, though, ok?” Jack compromised.  
  
“Ok,” I nodded with excitement, “but I promise you’ll like it. It will look really good.”  
  
“So we’re going on a shopping trip,” he said with fake excitement.  
  
“Can we go to the park playground as well?” Emily asked.  
  
“Umm, depend on how late it is,” I told her.  
  
“It’s 4:30 right now,” Jack read from his phone.  
  
“We still have time then.”  
  
\----  
  
Emily and I were playing catch for a while until i decided to sit with jack on the bench and Emily went to play with other kids in the park. I was completely out of breath, and I didn’t even run that much. What was wrong with me? I really needed to start working out again. Jogging had never made me this out of breath.  
  
Jack gave me a fake judging look, “out of breath already?”  
  
I nodded and leaned against him, “Yeah… I don’t know…. why. I should.... start… running… again… in my free time.  
  
“Is it really that bad?”  
  
I took a couple of more heavy breaths, “Yes, but it was worth it. Emily had fun.”  
  
“Yeah,” Jack gave me a loving look, but suddenly his eyes bulged out. He grabbed my arm, which you could see because I had taken off my jacket before I had started running, “oh my god, did I do this.”  
  
I looked down at the big bruise that had formed, and frowned, “I don’t know, I haven’t seen it before.”  
  
“It probably happened when we were ‘fighting’.”  
  
“You think so? You weren’t hitting me that hard and I don’t remember hitting my arm against anything that should leave a bruise like this.”  
  
“Are you anemic?” Jack asked seriously.  
  
“I don’t know… I don’t think so… They probably tested me, though, right? They basically tested me for everything. I’ll find out when I get my results. This never happened to me before, so I don’t think it can be that,” I was talking a bit too fast. But there was a reason for it: the thing that was going on when I was six years old. Why didn’t I think of it before? No. It couldn’t be. It had been 17, nearly 18 years. There was no way it came back; it couldn’t even be an option.  
  
“Let’s just ignore it for now,” I suggested and put on my jacket, “if it really was serious, I think the doctors would have informed me by now.”  
  
“You think?” Jack asked skeptically.  
  
“Yeah,” I nodded, but it was more like I was trying to reassure myself than Jack.  
  
“Ok, then, umm,” Jack tried changing the subject, “you really are good with kids. Are you sure you never want to have any of your own?”  
  
I laughed, “yeah. I’m still pretty sure. I won’t ever be a good mom and I just don’t feel like ever having kids. It will be too much work and I won’t be able to do much anymore. Plus, the thought of a human being growing inside of me is terrifying.”  
  
“Ok, fair, so you’ll just be stalking other people’s kids instead?”  
  
I chuckled and shook my head, “Yes, Jack, I’ll be doing that instead. What about you?”  
  
“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “Alex always talks about how he’ll have kids one day, which will be awesome, but I’m not sure if I want that as well. I mean, I’m still pretty childish myself, there’s no way I can take care of a tiny creature. But then there’s also my brother and sister having kids, and those babies are so cute, but I don’t think I can handle it. Right now we tour so much, it will almost be impossible. If I have kids I actually also want to be there for them. I guess I’ll just go with whatever my girlfriend/fiancee/wife wants.”  
  
“Well, right now you’re with me, and I say no kids. So you don’t have to worry about that.”  
  
“One day, I might, though.”  
  
“Maybe… I can’t believe we had the ‘kids talk’ before we even had sex. Our relationship isn’t really happening in chronological order.”  
  
“Hmm, right, let’s talk about marriage, then. Would you ever want to get married?”  
  
“To you?” I questioned.  
  
“In general,” Jack said simply and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.  
  
“I’m going to say no to that as well. I don’t really get the concept of marriage. You sign some paper, you have a party, you wear rings, and that’s it. Why does that need to prove that you love somebody? You could spend your life together without doing that. But then we get to the part of spending the rest of your life together with another person. It’s another thing that just scares me. It’s such a weird thing. But, hey, I said I would never have a boyfriend, and look where I am now.”  
  
“I think I might want to get married sometime,” Jack explained his opinion, “I don’t know if I ever will, though. It’s another thing I don’t know the answer to until later in the future. I don’t think anybody would ever want to get married to me,” he laughed.  
  
“Maybe I will get married to you someday,” I looked up at him.  
  
“No, you won’t,” he retorted.  
  
“Yeah, you’re right, I probably won’t.”  
  
Jack leaned down and pressed his lips against mine, but before anything could happen, a small voice appeared, “Ewwww!”  
  
We broke apart and looked at Emily who was standing in front of us. She had scrunched up her face and covered her eyes, but was peaking through the gaps between her fingers, “you are just like mommy and daddy! They also always do that!”  
  
“Oh, really?” I asked her.  
  
She nodded and climbed onto my lap, “sometimes in bed as well.”  
  
Jack and I gave each other a look. This could either be something innocent, or the thing we were both thinking. Let’s just hope it wasn’t the latter.  
  
Jack, once again, managed to change the subject, “how about we go back, I’m sure you’re hungry.”  
  
Emily nodded and we all stood up, but Jack got another idea, “do you want to sit on my shoulders?”  
  
She giggled and I helped Jack get her up.  
  
“Hold on tight,” Jack shouted before running away.  
  
I decided it would be better if I didn’t go running; I was already feeling lightheaded I did not need to faint today. Maybe it was a good idea for Jack to come along. I did not know whether I was going to be ok or not.  
  
\----  
  
After having some mac and cheese, we put a chair in the upstairs bathroom and made Jack sit in it. There was no way he was going to get out of this. He was going to dye his hair, whether he liked it or not; he wasn’t getting a choice. I looked around for an old towel I could use and got all the stuff ready. Emily and I poured all the contents into a plastic bowl.  
  
“You don’t want to get this on yourself, ok?” I told Emily, “it won’t come off if you do.”  
  
“That stuff’s scary!” Emily backed away and tried getting onto Jack’s lap. He helped her up and she fidgeted around.  
  
“Are you sure you know how to do this?” Jack double checked with terrified eyes.  
  
“Yes, I promise you I know. I have a brother who used to be a punk kid, I’ve done it countless of times. He couldn’t dye his hair himself!” I laughed and put on the gloves before making my way over to him with the dark red creamy substance.  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes, Jack, stop freaking out. I’m only doing the white streak, you can always bleach it if you hate it.”  
  
“But baby!”  
  
“She’s not a baby!” Emily squealed.  
  
“Exactly,” I gave Jack a playful look, “Emily, distract him so he’ll stop talking.”  
  
Emily slapped her hands against his cheeks and squashed them together, “You have a big nose.”  
  
“He does, doesn’t he?”  
  
“Hey!” Jack exclaimed, but if was muffled because he couldn’t move his mouth, “I love my nose! Why do you guys keep making fun of me!”  
  
“‘cause it’s funny,” Emily giggled.  
  
I started smearing the hair dye on Jack’s hair with the brush; I actually managed to do it without getting it in his black hair. To say I was proud of myself was an understatement. Yes, I lied to Jack about knowing how to do it exactly. I had done it often, but Cameron only dyed his hair a couple of times before we were 16. After that he died his hair nearly every month or even before. I guess I still had skills, but didn’t know about them.  
  
We waited for the time that was on the box before Jack washed it out. What was once blonde was now blood red, and, god, did it look sexy. It actually turned me on, and nothing ever turned me on, or at least not like this.  
  
“I actually like it,” Jack turned to me.  
  
I ran my fingers through his hair and bit my lip, “I do too.”  
  
He noticed the small gesture and raised his eyebrows, “oh, so it has that effect on you.”  
  
“Just wait ‘til it turns pink, I won’t be able to keep my hands off of you.”  
  
“I don’t think I mind that.”  
  
Jack took a couple of pictures with his snapchat before asking to take a picture with Emily and I for twitter. I covered my face with my hair, so nobody would be able to recognize me. Why didn’t I want anybody to recognize me? Well, I didn’t like having photo’s taken of me, I liked being the one taking the photograph. And, I just didn’t want Jack’s fans recognizing me yet, I first wanted to meet his friends. In case you were wondering, the fans who found me on twitter also didn’t know what I looked like. I had never posted a picture of myself; my profile picture wasn’t even a picture of me!  
  
Emily and I both kissed one of his cheeks and Jack took the photo before posting it on twitter.  
  
Since it was already 7:30 pm, we decided to put Emily in bed. We had tired her out enough; John had told Jack that she could be a spaz and say up until 9 pm if she wanted to. So we did something right. She fell asleep almost instantly.  
  
Jack and I went back downstairs and turned on the TV before cuddling up on the couch. He was lying against the backrest and he had pulled me against his chest. Luckily this couch was big enough for two people to lie on next to each other, so I wasn’t afraid to fall off, especially with the grip Jack had around me.  
  
He propped himself up on an elbow and I looked up at him before running my fingers through his freshly dyed hair again, “the red really makes you look hot.”  
  
“Good,” he smirked.  
  
“If it weren’t for the fact that I was a virgin and that it would be really weird and rude, I would totally fuck you on this couch right now.”  
  
“We’re not going to do anything until you are ready.”  
  
“Hmm, I love you,” I smiled.  
  
“I love you too,” Jack quickly pecked my lips before we both started watching TV.  
  
I started drifting off even though It was still so early. Playing with a three year old really was trying, I had no clue how parents were able to do it every single day. Another reason to never have kids: exhaustion. But I was only 23, I still had a long time to change my mind, which would have probably never happened. Jack kept on placing soft kisses on the top of my head, and I was asleep in no time.  
  
\---  
  
When I woke up Jack was nowhere to be seen. Somehow he had managed so leave without waking me up, a skill I had yet to master. Maybe he had just gone to the bathroom or gotten something to drink, but after 5 minutes I started becoming skeptical. I got up from my position and started looking around the house. He was nowhere on this floor; not the study, kitchen, dining room, nor the pantry.  
  
I went up the stairs instead and found Emily’s bedroom door open, so I peaked in. Jack was seated on the edge of the bed and was talking to Emily, who sounded like she had been crying. I leaned against the doorpost and watched them interact. He made sure she was feeling ok and made her laugh before even reading her a bedtime story.  
  
Jack was definitely going to be a good father someday. The girl he was going to have children with was going to be very lucky.  
  



	29. Like This?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT WARNING

I didn’t know what time it was, but I did know it was already a couple of days since Jack and I had been asked to babysit Emily. The fans loved the new red hair, but they were not only going crazy about that. They all wanted to know who the two girls were. Was I his girlfriend and was that my daughter? Was I somebody who had history with Jack and Emily was our daughter? Was I some friend who had a much younger sister? Maybe we were just family friends? Rumours were being spread everywhere, but only a few seemed to realise I was the girl from all the other videos and pictures; I was the girl who they suddenly found out about.  
  
The door to my bedroom suddenly opened, scaring me. It was still dark outside, and I couldn’t see anything inside of my room. Who - no what - was opening my door so slowly? Was it some creepy serial killer who decided to come and attack me? My heart was beating fast and I stayed still and quiet. If this was another one of Cam’s pranks, I was seriously going to get mad at him.  
  
“Ireland?” A voice whispered.  
  
“Jack?” I said back in a hushed tone.  
  
“Sorry for waking you up,” he walked forward and I could finally make out that it was indeed him.  
  
“It’s fine. How did you get in?”  
  
“I still have a key. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to come here.”  
  
I shuffled up so there was space for him to come in bed with me, “come on, then.”  
  
He got underneath the covers and I wrapped my arms around him, pulling myself closer to him. I never had Jack come to me when something was wrong, this was new, but I liked it. It was like I could trust him more. I wasn’t the only one that needed him around, but he needed me as well.  
  
“Being the little spoon is quite comfortable,” Jack spoke up.  
  
“I know,” I nuzzled into his back, “but you get to be it this time. Normally, I get the hugs and kisses, but now you get it.”  
  
“I would be embarrassed and feel like a girl, but I like it. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about around you.”  
  
I kissed his neck, “I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
With that we both fell asleep. Our relationship was getting stronger and stronger. Nothing could ruin it at this point. Jack and I were inseperable, we nearly spent everyday together, hell, nearly every minute together. And if we weren’t, we would still somehow end up in each other's presence, this moment being one of them. I didn’t know whether or not Jack was telling me the truth about not being able to sleep, but I didn’t care; we got to cuddle again.  
  
I woke up to Jack stroking my face gently and leaning over me. Stretching out, I smiled back at him. I probably looked amazing; hair all over the place, pale face, and crusty eyes. But, nonetheless, Jack grinned back at me and leaned down to kiss me. Before his lips could touch mine, though, I lightly pushed him away.  
  
I pointed at my mouth, “I probably have morning breath.”  
  
Jack shook his head and inched closer to me again, “I don’t care.”  
  
This time I let him carefully capture my lips. I could feel my chapped lips scratch against his smooth ones. Chapped lips really were an archenemy during kissing, but Jack didn’t seem to mind. He just didn’t care what I looked like anymore, and I loved him even more for that. Before I could try to deepen the kiss by pulling him closer, he pulled away, leaving me feeling cold.  
  
I stuck my bottom lip out, hoping to guilt trip him, “more kisses?”  
  
Jack chuckled and shook his head, “not until you buy a ‘plane ticket to come see me on tour. I want to see my baby.”  
  
“But what if I’m not seizure free and have already bought a ticket? I won’t be able to come.”  
  
“I promise to pay you back if medical reasons stop you from coming. I’ll even be happy to pay now for no reason at all.”  
  
“I’m not allowing you to do that,” I got up and took my laptop from my desk before sitting back on the mattress, “now, when do you want me to come?”  
  
Jack got out his phone and pulled up his calendar, showing me where he would be every single day. We looked around on websites and at my working schedule before settling on a date. I was going to go in 3 weeks and arrive in the morning. That way I could still spend the day with Jack before watching their show. Now I wouldn’t have to wait for weeks before he came home. And I was actually able to afford the ticket, which was pretty impressive.  
  
I put my laptop on the floor beside the bed and looked at Jack, “Do I get kisses now?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Jack smirked, “Do you?”  
  
“You promised!”  
  
“I did, didn’t I? Shit. I can’t get out of this.”  
  
“You know you want to.”  
  
“You’re right, I really do,” he didn’t hesitate to grab my neck and smash my lips against his. I quickly got into the hurried and desperate rhythm. I ran my hands up his chest until they eventually rested on his shoulders. Jack definitely didn’t have the hot body most girls wanted from a guy, but he was perfect to me. Slowly, he pushed me backwards until my head rested on my pillow. His legs were on either side of me, making sure his weight wasn’t on top of me.  
  
I broke apart briefly to catch my breath, “you’re basically a prostitute. I paid you to give me kisses.”  
  
He licked his lips, “everybody already knows I am one.”  
  
I giggled and ran my fingers through the red streak in his hair, “gosh, the red really makes you look sexy.”  
  
I pulled him down to make our lips collide once again before he could reply. Jack didn’t hesitate to make it deeper and add tongue. My fingers tangled and pulled on his hair, earning a silent groan from him. His shirt came off - I had just realised that he was wearing clothes and not pajamas - and we continued our movements. He kept pushing harder and harder and I couldn’t keep my hands off of him, until he stopped.  
  
He rested his head again my shoulder and let out a breathy laugh, “I’m so sorry. I was doing so well.”  
  
I took me a while to realise what he meant, but I internally screamed at how cute he was being when I figured it out, “you’re still doing well,” I reached out, unbuckled his belt and pulled the zipper of his gray skinny jeans down.  
  
He gave me a very shocked look, “what?”  
  
Instead of answering, I continued the kiss and slowly pulled his jeans down.  
  
But Jack broke it off again, “Isle. What are you doing? We don’t have to do this until you’re ready.”  
  
“I’m ready, Jack,” I wanted to kiss him again, but Jack avoided it.  
  
“I’m being serious. I will wait as long as I need to. Don’t think that because I’ll be gone in two days that you have to do this. I don’t want you doing anything you don’t want to do.”  
  
“You don’t want to do this?” I frowned.  
  
“No, of course I do, but just a couple of days ago you were telling me you were a virgin and weren’t ready yet. I don’t want to do anything unless you’re sure.”  
  
“Please, Jack.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Jack nodded and searched my eyes one last time, “Tell me if you want me to stop.”  
  
He didn’t take any more time before slowly and carefully kissing me. But I didn’t want it that way. I wanted more, faster, harder. Jack happily followed my pace before taking control again. He hooked his fingers on the waistband of my pajama pants and pulled them down. My shirt came off next and I was left in just my underwear. This was the most exposed I had been around somebody in ages, if you don’t count the doctors examining me. I felt embarrassed and started rethinking my choice. Jack was going to see my scar and judge me. Oh god, this was a-  
  
“You’re so beautiful,” Jack breathed out, “how did I get so lucky?”  
  
“You really think so?” I doubted.  
  
He nodded his head and attacked my neck, placing wet kisses on the skin. Just when I was getting into it and let out a moan, Jack stopped again. He froze completely and I thought I had done something wrong. Was I not good enough for him? Would he rather have someone more experienced? I didn’t know what I was doing, of course I would screw this up.  
  
“Shit,” Jack mumbled.  
  
“What’s wrong?” I said, hoping I didn’t sound too nervous and self conscious.  
  
“I forgot- Shit. I don’t have any condoms on me.”  
  
“Oh thank god,” I accidentally sighed out in relief.  
  
“Why didn’t you stop me?”  
  
“No, not that way. I thought you were going to tell me I wasn’t good enough.”  
  
“Why would I say that?”  
  
“Because you’re experienced as fuck, and I have no idea what I’m doing.”  
  
“I really don’t care,” he leaned down to kiss me, but I was sitting up at the same time. Our heads hit each other, creating a hollow sound. We both reached for our foreheads and squinted in pain. I laid back down a mumbled an ‘ouch’.  
  
“Let’s just try to not do that again,” Jack laughed.  
  
I nodded and rubbed the area, “yeah. Now get off me.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Just do it,” I pushed his chest and Jack climbed off me, making sure not to make our heads hit again. I got up and walked to the drawers beside my desk. Jack’s eyes were on me the entire time, taking in my body and looking at every detail. I searched for the items I was looking for. Before I went back to Jack, I made sure to lock the door. I wasn’t going to let Cam walk in on us, not when it was my first time.  
  
“Here,” I handed the items to Jack. He was sitting on the mattress, while I was standing in front of him.  
  
He looked at what I had given him and smirked, “you have condoms?”  
  
“Cam has been hiding them around my room since he found us making out on the couch that one time. If you would know how many there are, you would think I’m a whore and a slut.”  
  
“Well, I definitely don’t think that,” he put the condoms down beside him and grabbed my by the hips, kissing up and down my stomach, his fingers trailing the large scar on my side.  
  
“Can I lie back down? I feel awkward being taller than you,” I asked, hoping it didn’t sound rude.  
  
“Yeah, sure,” he gave me space to lie down, but I wanted to do one more thing.  
  
I sat down first and looked at Jack, “can I take this off?” I played with a bra strap.  
  
Jack nodded, only a squeaky noise coming out of him. I reached back and unhooked the clothing article before letting it fall off and putting it aside. The tenting in Jack’s boxers was visibly getting worse as he couldn’t stop himself anymore. He smashed his lips against mine and got me to lie down by pushing. His hands hands wandered down and massaged my breasts.  
  
“Jack,” I breathed out as the kissing went down my collarbone and towards the valley between my breasts.  
  
“I just want to make sure you’re fully prepared,” his hand slipped into my panties and his fingers ran up and down my slit. I couldn’t help but moan and arch my back as his thumb pressed against a very sensitive spot. My face turned a pinkish red and I wanted to hide in a hole.  
  
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, baby,” Jack muttered.  
  
He kept going until his hand suddenly left, “I think you’re ready. Do you feel ready, mentally and physically?”  
  
“Yes. Please, Jack,” I whined. He was taking so long.  
  
“Ok,” Jack took off my panties, leaving me completely naked and exposed. He briefly got up to take off his own boxers before sitting back down and taking one of the condoms. I watched as he tried to open the packet, but his hands were shaking too much. After letting him try for a bit more, I sat up myself and took his hands in mine.  
  
“Jack, you’re shaking,” I didn't know what else to say.  
  
“I know,” Jack mumbled and tried again.  
  
“Just because I’m ready, doesn’t mean you have to be. Being experienced doesn’t necessarily mean being ready.”  
  
“It’s not that, I’m just shaking.”  
  
“Here, let me try,” I took it from him and ripped it open, “at least I know I’m not to only one nervous.”  
  
Jack chuckled, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous before… I just don’t want to hurt you.”  
  
“It will be fine,” I pointed at the condom, “can I put it on you?”  
  
“Do you know how?”  
  
I nodded and rolled it on him, making sure to do everything Cameron had told me to do; sex-ed never was useful. All you learned was that you’ll die if you have sex, ever. Nothing about being safe and how to do it, just that you shouldn’t do it. You’ll get an STD and live a miserable life before dying. Luckily, I had a brother who was way too concerned about me, and gave me a terrible lesson a couple of days ago. It was very weird and awkward. I came home one day and he was sitting in the living room with dildos, condoms, and many other weird contraptions and diagrams. It was pretty terrifying and I didn’t even dare ask where he got it all from.  
  
I shuffled back into my position of before, and Jack climbed back on top of me This was it. It was going to happen now.  
  
“Just go for it,” I told him before he could ask me questions about being sure again.  
  
Jack nodded, intertwined our fingers on one hand, and lined himself up, “tell me if I need to stop, ok? I love you.”  
  
He slid into me, causing me minor pain, but I still told him to slow down, the further he went the more it started hurting. I squeezed his hand until he was fully in. It was a strange feeling that I couldn’t quite describe. There was pain, but also some pleasure.  
  
Jack hid his face in my neck and took a shaky breath, “tell me when.”  
  
But I just lied there, not saying anything. Something overcame me; something that made me terrified; something that was holding me back. I could feel tears building up behind my eyes, but I wasn’t going to let them fall; I had already come this far, I wasn’t going to chicken out now. This was what I wanted, why were stupid memories trying to stop me? I took in a deep breath that was way too uneven. And apparently Jack noticed.  
  
He propped himself up and looked at me, “are you crying? Am I hurting you? Should we stop?”  
  
I shook my head and a tear escaped, “I’m just nervous, that’s all.”  
  
“I don’t want to do this unless you’re a 100% comfortable,” he kissed away the tear.  
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
“I promise nothing will happen, I won’t ever intentionally hurt you.”  
  
“Ok,” I took one last encouraging breath, “you can move now.”  
  
“Ok,” Jack smiled down at me before starting a loving kiss.  
  
I held onto him, too afraid I would lose him if I let go. He slowly thrusted in and out. There was still some pain, but it faded a lot quicker than I expected. This pace was probably the slowest he had ever gone; most of his times were a quick fuck, but this was different, or I hoped so at least. The pleasure took over completely and I was left to whimper quietly every time he thrusted in after he had left my mouth to go to my neck once again. He let his one free hand roam around my body, adding to the bliss.  
  
“Jack, please go faster,” I whispered. We were being very quiet, the only sounds being our heavy breathing, our bodies against each other, and my sheets occasionally being moved along with us.  
  
“I won’t be able to last long enough if I do,” Jack confided.  
  
“I don’t care, just please, Jack.”  
  
He fastened the pace just slightly, but it was perfect for me. I let my free hand go to his neck and play with the bottom of his hair. In a way it felt like I was pulling him closer.  
  
His groans started getting louder, “I’m really close, Isle. I don’t think I can hold it back anymore.”  
  
“It’s ok,” I assured.  
  
A couple of seconds later Jack let out some profanities and his thrusting got slower and slower until he stopped and pulled out. He pushed himself down a bit so he could rest his head against my stomach.  
  
“I’m sorry I couldn’t make you finish,” Jack uttered.  
  
“It’s fine, did you actually think I would be close to an orgasm or something while losing my virginity? That’s nearly impossible.”  
  
“I can still finish you off.”  
  
“No, I’ve had enough sex. Not that it was bad or anything, I just feel satisfied.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“I love you too,” I ran my fingers through his hair again.  
  
“I love your boobs as well,” Jack was staring up at them.  
  
“First time you’ve seen me naked, isn’t it?”  
  
“Well-”  
  
“No, you didn’t see anything that time.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, right, I didn’t,” he chuckled, “you know, when you said you weren’t going to shave down there for me, I thought it would have been a lot more, you know, bushy.”  
  
“Oh my god, Jack,” I laughed, “are you actually asking me about that right now? Why would you even ask in general?”  
  
“It’s just an observation.”  
  
“Well, just because I don’t shave doesn’t mean I don’t keep it under control. I’ll let you figure out what that means.”  
  
“I will love you and think you’re beautiful no matter what,” he started getting up, “now if you don’t mind, I’m going to throw this condom away.”  
  
He got up and left to go to my bathroom, leaving me to think about what just happened. Jack and I had sex for the first time and I was no longer a virgin. Holy shit. It all happened pretty quickly. I just wondered if this was going to bring me and Jack closer together, or make things more awkward.  
  
Jack brought me out of my thoughts by walking out of the bathroom, “I suggest you go to the toilet, I don’t want you getting a bladder infection. It’s not a nice memory to have of your first time.”  
  
I picked up Jack’s shirt and pulled it over my head before running to the bathroom, “right, thanks for reminding me.”  
  
When I came back out, Jack was already wearing a pair of sweatpants he kept here. I got some underwear from my closet and quickly put it on before turning to him, “I’m hungry. Should we go see if there’s anything we can find for a late breakfast?”  
  
“Sure,” Jack walked up to me and I unlocked the door.  
  
Everything seemed fine until I walked into the kitchen and saw Cameron sitting at the table. He was smirking at us and looking in between us with suggestive looks. I raised my eyebrows at him in a questioning manner, he answered in raising his eyebrows in a hinting way.  
  
“Ok, what’s up?” I asked him after having a long stare down.  
  
“My sister is no longer a virgin,” he grinned.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Oh come on, you just unlocked your door, you never lock your door! You’re wearing Jack’s shirt and underwear, no pants, you never do that either. And Jack looks like he just got laid. I’m a guy, I know what guys look like when they just had sex.”  
  
Jack laughed, “well, you’re not wrong.”  
  
Cam look at him and smirked again, “you know she’s going to tell me everything, right?”  
  
“No I am not,” I interrupted.  
  
“I’m going to force you, not because I want to know, but because you fucking tell me everything.”  
  
“I’m still not going to tell you.”  
  
“Yes you are,” he put his bowl in the sink and walked out, “I’ll get it out of you!”  
  
I shook my head and turned to Jack, “I am not telling him.”  
  
Jack raised his hands, “it’s your choice, he’s seen my dick many times before. I don’t care.”  
  
“Well, I do.”  
  
Jack was leaning against the counter, so I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned into him, my forehead against his bare chest. He hugged me back and kissed the top of my head, making me sigh in content. I just wished it could be like this forever.  
  
“Too bad it’s our last day together,” I mumbled and looked up at his through my eyelashes.  
  
“Mhmm, yeah,” he stared at the wall opposite of us.  
  
“But you’re going to go see your parents tomorrow, so that’s ok too.”  
  
“Huh? Oh yeah, I wanted to see them before I left again.”  
  
“I’ll miss you.”  
  
“I’ll miss you too, but you’ll come visit me soon. I think we’ll be able to make it ‘til then.”


	30. Excuses and Explanations

I had my bag slung over my shoulder and was making my way to the nearest coffee shop. Jack was out with his parents and I was going to the dance studio to give classes. Even though I barely got any time to dance anymore, I still loved it. Other dancers had had to take over my other classes, but I was allowed to keep this group, the one Jack had seen me dance with before.  
  
As I was making my way down the road, I felt like everybody was watching me. Of course they actually weren’t, but I couldn’t shake the feeling off. Did everybody know I had just lost my virginity? Were they all looking at me because it had changed me? I felt uncomfortable in public now; I wasn’t as innocent as I used to be. And everybody could see! I fucked up, I shouldn’t have had sex with Jack. Now I could never lose my virginity again. Maybe Jack wasn’t the right one, maybe I had to wait for someone special. But Jack was special. I was so conflicted, but that was part of the process, or at least Cam had told me that. I had talked to him in the morning and he said I would be fine in a couple of days. it was just a big change in my life, and it was going to change the way I sometimes looked at things.  
  
I crossed the road to my favorite coffee shop -- the one where Jack and I met -- and opened the door. Surprisingly, the line wasn’t long and I was able to place my order almost instantly. Just like I always did, I ordered a black coffee with nothing added. That stuff was only expensive and it made coffee taste bad. How did teenage girls drink all of that crap?  
  
Having to wait for my coffee to be brewed, I waited and looked out at the tables. My eyes settled on some purple hair that was fading. I could immediately recognize the girl sitting next to the window as Abagail. My name was called out, and I took my hot plastic coffee cup from the counter. I kept my eyes on Abagail as she leaned down to grab something from her bag. That when I saw somebody sitting across from her. _Jack_. I laughed to myself; what the fuck was he doing here? I was going to walk up to them until I saw what Abagail was giving Jack. An ultrasound.  
  
I knew exactly what was going on, and I didn’t like it. Instead of doing what most people would do and go up to them and get angry, I walked out of the coffee shop. Luckily, the route I was taking still forced me to walk past the large window. I made eye contact with Jack and stuck up my middle finger while casually drinking some of my coffee and walking past them. His smile dropped and he looked at me with wide eyes.  
  
 _He fucking lied to me._  
  
I kept walking, blocking out everything around me. Sounds weren’t reaching me anymore and I didn’t care. I didn’t know what I was feeling; was I mad, sad, upset, feeling betrayed? I was guessing everything. Of course he was going to have sex with me and then throw me away. That was just how he worked. And I was foolish enough to fall in love with him; to think I was different; to trust him.  
  
I ran up the stairs of the dance studio and quickly started my lesson. Hopefully, this would take out some of the anger. I didn’t care about the burning sensation that filled my lungs; I didn’t care how hard I stomped my feet on the ground, they could break all that I cared. The others probably realized that something was wrong with me, but knew better than to intervene. Just because I was overworking myself didn’t mean I was overworking my students.  
  
I quickly got changed afterward and ran back home. Nobody knew, but I had taken an extra job at the grocery store. The money I was earning wasn’t paying for the loft, the bills, and food, let alone anything I wanted to buy for myself. Money was running out and I wasn’t going to ask my parents for help. I was going to do this by myself.  
  
After unlocking the front door, I threw my bag to the side. I completely ignored Jack sitting in the living room with Cameron while I was going to my room. He was looking at me expectantly, but I wasn’t going to talk to him. How _dare_ he show up here! I obviously wasn’t what he wanted.  
  
“Cam, I’m heading out, I’ll be back in a couple of hours!” I called out while tying my hair in a ponytail.  
  
Quickly grabbing my other bag which I had prepared for this job, I walked back out, “I’ll be back around six. I’ll text if I’m going to be late.”  
  
With that, I went out of the apartment. I could hear Jack's loud footsteps following me down the stairs. But I only went faster and faster. If I lost footing, I would have fallen down the flights of stairs. But Jack had the same idea, his footsteps were also getting faster and faster and they were catching up with me.  
  
I waited out on the sidewalk for a cab, hoping one would drive by before Jack would show up next to me. Just to my luck, it didn’t happen and Jack was already beside me, completely out of breath.  
  
“Ireland, we need to talk,” he panted.  
  
“Yeah, _no_ ,” I motioned to a cab, who luckily pulled over.  
  
Hoping to get rid of Jack, I quickly got in, closed the door, and told the driver where I wanted to go. However, Jack ran to the other side and got in as well. Instead of making an attempt at making him leave, I let him stay there. Arguing with him would require talking to him, and I wasn’t planning on that.  
  
“Isle, look, I’m so sorry--” Jack started, but I untangled my earphones and turned on some loud music, turning up the volume every time I could make out a word of what he was saying. Fortunately, the drive wasn’t too long, only about three songs. Jack had stopped talking but kept staring at me. It was making me feel uncomfortable and it really made me want to punch him in the face, and I wasn’t the aggressive type.  
  
I handed the money to the driver and rushed in the grocery store with, of course, Jack following me. He was talking again, but I couldn’t be bothered to listen. All that was coming out of his mouth was complete and utter bullshit, evident by the amount of stuttering and sentences that sounded like questions.  
  
“Wait, why are we at the grocery store?” Jack suddenly remarked in the middle of his speech, making it even more obvious he was making up excuses.  
  
A co-worker came up to me with a smile, “Hey, do you mind finishing off my shift? I was going to go out with some friends, but I messed up the times. I told the manager that someone else will the taking over.”  
  
“Yeah, no problem,” I smiled at the younger bubbly girl, “I’m here already, so why not start straight away.”  
  
“Thank you so so much, Ireland,” she hugged me and happily skipped out of the store.  
  
“You work here?” Jack asked.  
  
Once again, I ignored him, and put my bag in the employee's only room before putting on the required uniform shirt. I pushed past Jack and started doing my job: stocking up shelves. It was a lot more fun than sitting and scanning items. Trust me, I tried doing it, but I felt happier moving around than sitting on a chair the entire shift.  
  
With how close Jack was standing next to me, I couldn’t help but listen to him. He was still only telling me lies, “So, umm, you see, umm, I-- I was going to, umm, see my parents?... But, umm, Abagail asked to meet up, umm, because, umm, because… yeah.”  
  
I tried ignoring him, but he kept going on and on. this wasn’t going to work if he was going to keep going the entire time, “Jack. Shut up and leave.”  
  
“Ireland, please, let me explain.”  
  
“Jack. I don’t fucking care. Leave. _Now!”_  
  
He tried to touch my shoulder, but I backed away, “Don’t you fucking dare touch me. I don’t want to hear all your lies.”  
  
“I am not lying!”  
  
“Oh really? So you didn’t lie about Abagail being pregnant, you didn’t lie about visiting your parents, you’re not lying about what actually happened? Huh? What else did you lie about? I should have known better than having sex with you; I should have known you were going to screw me over afterwards!”  
  
“Come on, that’s not true. I just didn’t want you getting upset with me for hanging out with Abagail.”  
  
“Bull _shit._ Get out and leave me alone!”  
  
Just then the manager walked past the aisle we were in, “Is he bothering you?”  
  
Jack replied before I could, “I’m her boyfriend, it’s fine.”  
  
“Oh, ok. Ireland, you know you shouldn’t be talking except when you’re helping people, we’ve had complaints before.”  
  
“Yes, I know, I’m sorry,” I smiled at him. He walked away and I quickly turned to Jack, “seriously. I don’t want you here! Get the fuck out!”  
  
“Come on, baby,” he grabbed my face and tried to kiss me, but I pushed him away.  
  
“Jack! What the fuck! Leave me alone!”  
  
The manager came back, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’re going to have to leave.”  
  
“But--” Jack tried arguing.  
  
“Or am I going to have to escort you out?”  
  
“Fine! I’m leaving,” Jack glared at me, “I _will_ talk to you.”  
  
For the rest of my shift I was able to work in peace, if you didn’t count the war going on in my head. I really didn’t know what to do about Jack. Part of me wanted to break up with him, but another big part of my loved him too much to do that. I took my work shirt off and grabbed my bag before saying goodbye to the manager and making my way back home.  
  
I decided to take a walk instead of taking a cab again; I needed time to think, a ten-minute car drive wouldn’t be sufficient amount of time. Cars zoomed past me and I could smell the rain that was going to fall at any moment. I didn’t care if I would get soaked or not; I just didn’t care in general. There was nothing to care about. I was overthinking; overthinking everything. I was probably going to die, I could feel it, and there would nobody hold me and kiss me in the process. After having been in love, you don’t want to live without it anymore.  
  
I approached the building and saw Jack pushing himself off the wall and to me. We went up the stairs and I thought for a second that he wasn’t going to say anything. But that was way too far fetched. Of course he would start arguing again.  
  
“Ok, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I used you, but that’s not true.” He was trying to catch up to my pace.  
  
“What else am I supposed to think, Jack? You took my virginity and the next day you lie to me about where you’re going, to meet up with another girl, who is actually one of my friends!”  
  
“I didn’t plan meeting up with her!”  
  
“Sure, I believe you.” I rolled my eyes, sarcasm dripping from my words.  
  
“Come on, Isle, I met up with her because… ummm…”  
  
“Oh, you can’t think of an excuse? Too bad! At least you’re not lying when you aren’t saying anything!” We finally got to the front door.  
  
“Please, just let me explain--”  
  
“Ok, sure, fine. Give me your key, I left mine inside.”  
  
Jack handed me the key without hesitation and I stepped inside before I closed the door in his face, “Fuck _you,_ Jack!”  
  
I locked the door before he could find a way to open it. Now that I had his key, he would never be able to come inside again, unless either Cam or I opened the door. I obviously hadn’t left my key inside, I just needed him to give me his.  
  
Cam rushed out of his room, “what’s going on?”  
  
I looked at him and burst out in tears. There were too many emotions to keep in. He ran to me and tightly wrapped his arms around me before he slowly made us sit down on the floor. There was loud knocking and shouting coming from the other end of the door, but both Cam and I ignored it until it finally died down and stopped. My sobs were now the loudest noise in the room and Cameron kept pulling me tighter and stroking my hair, my head was pressed tightly against his chest.  
  
“Shh, it’s ok,” he cooed.  
  
“I fucking _hate_ him!” I screamed.  
  
“No, you don’t.”  
  
 _I know, and that’s what makes me hate myself for it._


	31. The Guy and The Sunset

The last four days I had just been depressed and beating myself up. Cameron allowed me to stay in his bed and sleep with him the day it happened, but I still hadn’t gone to my room and slept in my own bed since. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night, having no clue where I was, before remembering everything again and shaking and crying while he tried to calm me down and cheer me up.  
  
Everything reminded me of Jack. I let him in and he had ruined everything for me; every little daily activity. I never knew I could have been attached to someone like that. We had gotten too close too fast and it was now hitting me back. I should have stuck to my original plan of never having a boyfriend and living by myself for the rest of my life. Even though I would have been forever alone, at least I wouldn’t have suffered heartbreak.  
  
I got out of Cameron’s bed. He wasn’t there anymore when I woke up and I heard voices outside coming from the kitchen. I slouched and walked past my brother who was sitting at the table across from my mom. They said good morning to me, but I just groaned back and grabbed a tub of ice cream from the freezer. Not wanting to be uncivilized and rude, I took a seat next to Cameron and dug into the cookie dough flavored ice cream with a gigantic spoon. Was I planning on eating it all by myself? Definitely. But was I going to eat it all in one go? Probably that as well.  
  
“How are you doing?” Cameron took my attention away from my breakfast.  
  
I looked at him, opening my mouth to reply, but I burst out in tears again before anything came out. He pulled me into his side and let me cry into his chest. I felt bad about crying every time something was said, but, like I said before, everything reminded me of Jack. For some stupid reason I could forget about 5 years of my life, but couldn’t forget about him. It was like I was cursed or something.  
  
“What happened?” My mom asked, obviously concerned about me and my well being.  
  
Cam answered for me, “she had a big fight with Jack. I don’t know where they stand.”  
  
“Oh, honey,” she rushed over to me and took over from Cam.  
  
Being held by her only made me cry more. No, she didn’t remind me of Jack, but whenever my mum was around I couldn’t hold back any of my emotions anymore, especially when I was sad. I was luckily to have such a great relationship with her. There were many people that couldn’t talk to their parents about anything, yet I could ask them or tell them anything.  
  
“What was it about?” She carefully asked when my crying started to slow down.  
  
I shook my head; I didn’t want to tell her. The situation was fucked up, I didn’t need more opinions about it.  
  
Apparently the had looked at Cam for answers, but he rose his shoulders, “I don’t know either. She hasn’t told me.”  
  
My phone started buzzing and ringing and Cameron sighed, “your phone’s been ringing the entire morning, and yesterday, and the day before, and before that.”  
  
“I don’t care. He can fuck off,” I had finally stopped crying and let go of my mother.  
  
“Language!” she scolded.  
  
“He’s a fucking dickhead who can go fuck himself, that fucking asshole.”  
  
Cameron rolled his eyes and got up to answer the phone, “Hello… yes, this is Cameron, yes, I know I’m answering Ireland’s phone. How can I help you?... No, she’s not here… I don’t know where she is. Why should you care, anyway?... You’re calling yourself her boyfriend? Listen up here, buddy, I don’t fucking care how much you care about her, you fucking hurt her, now I will fucking hurt you, you understand?”  
  
I ran up before he could continue, “Cam, stop!” I slapped the phone out of his hands, making it skid across the floor.  
  
“What! He fucking deserved it!”  
  
“I know, just stop!”  
  
“I will get mad at him all I like!” He stomped over to the phone.  
  
“I’m out.” I rushed past my mom and grabbed a pair of shoes before running out of the building.  
  
Not knowing where I was going, I took random left and right turns with my bare feet. When I figured I was far enough for Cameron and my mum not to find me, I took a short stop to catch my breath and put on my shoes. People walking gave me weird stares, but I couldn’t care less. I continued down the many roads and started making my way out of town. I could have been walking for 5 minutes, 30 minutes, or over an hour. All I wanted was some alone time.  
  
Somehow I ended up on top of a hill that looked out over the entire city. There was nobody else around and the loud noise from the traffic down below was silenced by the distance. It was definitely past midday already, the sun was already getting get ready to set in the west. In just a couple of hours I would be able to witness it all by myself and in peace-  
  
Footsteps walked up to me, “I didn’t know somebody else shared this place with me.”  
  
I looked to my left to see a teenage boy who looked about 17 or 18 years old, “I’ve just been here for a couple of hours. I just needed to get away and somehow ended up here. I could go if you want.”  
  
“No, it’s fine. I’ve never had company before,” he took a seat next to me, “so, what brought you here?”  
  
I sighed, what harm would it do to tell this boy, “It’s nothing much, really, but it’s got me broken. A couple of days ago I found out my boyfriend was lying to me about something pretty important. It makes me wonder if he lied about anything else. The worst about it that he was my best friend before we got together. We had sex together and the next day he ditched me. I should have known, he wasn’t the guy that did relationships. What about you?”  
  
“That guy is really stupid, even though I don’t know him. He fucked up losing a girl as beautiful as you. And I come here whenever my parents start fighting again. I don’t need to hear all their bullshit.”  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry. My problem is nothing compared to yours. I feel stupid for complaining.”  
  
“No, I would like to talk about someone else’s problems. I’m always busy with my own. It’s nice to change it up.”  
  
“Ok then.”  
  
“Do you mind me asking you how old you are?”  
  
“23, why?”  
  
“No reason. I would have guessed you were a lot younger, maybe my age, so 17.”  
  
“Senior year, huh?”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
We looked out at the view for a while. Slowly but surely more lights were turning on and the traffic jams started building up. The guy took out his earphones and handed one side to me, “want to listen along?”  
  
I nodded and put the bud in my ear. He looked around on his phone for a while before music softly started playing. I recognized the music immediately and took out the earphone as soon as I could, “please turn on something else. I just can’t seem to escape him.”  
  
“Oh, you used to listen to All Time Low together?”  
  
I rested my head between my knees, “you could say that.”  
  
“Would you like to choose something else?” He unlocked his phone and handed it to me.  
  
I nodded and looked at the screen. It was a picture of Jack playing on stage. He was wearing one of his longsleeved shirts that covered his hands up to his knuckles and he was screaming at the crowd. Why was I so foolish to fall in love with someone like him?  
  
I tried holding back the tears, but quiet sobs escaped past my lips and through my hand, which I was holding to my mouth. The guy, who’s name I still didn’t know, realised and wrapped and arm around me, “What wrong?”  
  
I kept staring at the image, tears starting to cloud my vision, “Why couldn’t he just tell me the truth! I would be happy right now. I already bought a ticket to go see him while he was on tour, I was going to meet his friends, the rest of the band, and stay for a while. He wanted me to come! He is such an asshole!... I just want him back…’ I muttered, “I just want Jack back.”  
  
“Wait… You mean the guy who lied to you was Jack Barakat? The Jack Barakat? The Jack Barakat from All Time Low?”  
  
I stayed silent, except from my crying, and dropped the phone. The guy kept staring at me while his phone was laying in the dry grass.  
  
“I don’t believe you,” he stated.  
  
“Then don’t,” I mumbled, “at the end of the day, I’m the only one who knew exactly what I saw.”  
  
I looked up too see the sun had already set. I must have been here the entire day. My mom and Cameron were probably very worried, but I didn’t care. Today was the day I couldn’t care anymore. Slowly but surely I was becoming emotionless. I didn’t care if I hurt anybody, there was nobody to hurt.  
  
“Ireland!” I heard a voice shout from behind me, “What the fuck are you doing here! We’ve been looking for you for hours now!”  
  
I looked to see it was my brother. My mother was seated in the car that was pulled over on the side of the road. I groaned, “Cam, go away. I don’t care.”  
  
“Well, I do. You haven’t taken your medication. We can afford to have you have another seizure. You won’t be able to visit Jack if you do. I even called him. He threatened to fly back as soon as he could.”  
  
“I don’t care.”  
  
“I swear to fucking god, Ireland! He has been calling the entire time, you better answer the phone,” he threw me my phone. Just as it landed in my lap, it started ringing again. The only photo I had ever taken with Jack - he was kissing my cheek - was on the display with his name above it.  
  
I contemplated about answering as my thumb hovered over the answer button. Maybe I should hear him out. He could have had a reasonable explanation. But I knew what I saw and heard. Not only was he being handed an ultrasound picture by my best friend, who he had told me wasn’t pregnant, but he also tried to make up excuses when he came to me. At least he could have tried to tell me the truth. But he didn’t.  
  
I hit the decline button and the ringing stopped.  
  
“God. Sometimes you are so childish!” Cameron pulled me up so I was standing and started dragged my by my wrist.  
  
“Cam! You’re hurting me! Stop!” I screamed. The guy quickly stood up and was ready to come to my rescue, but Cameron already let go of me.  
  
“Shit, I’m sorry,” he murmured, “I just want my sister and best friend back. The last couple of days you’ve just been hiding and crying. I don’t know what to do. You’re supposed to be the cheerful one who doesn’t care about any shit that’s going on. You’ve always been like that. And now you are the complete opposite. I don’t know how to deal with this. All I can do it be with you, but that won’t help anything. I just want you to be you again.”  
  
I didn’t know what to say; I was speechless. Cameron was right, I wasn’t myself anymore. I shouldn’t let some stupid guy get in the way off that. As long as I was alive and not dying, I was going to not let anything affect me. There was no time to have things try to drag you down. I wasn’t getting anywhere like this.  
  
“Can we bring him home?” I pointed at the guy.  
  
“It’s fine,” he told me, “I can walk.”  
  
“How far is it?”  
  
“If I walk? An hour.”  
  
“Ok, we’re taking you home, you seem ok enough,” Cameron interrupted, “I don’t know what you did, but you made sure my sister didn’t do anything stupid.”  
  
We all walked up to the car and got in. It was nice and warm in here, I hadn’t realised how cold I actually was outside. I sat in the backseat with the young boy and my mum turned around. She looked so relieved.  
  
“I was so scared we lost you,” a tear escaped her eye.  
  
“I’m sorry. I just had to get out and be alone for a bit. I would have come home at some point,” I assured her and exchanged smiles.  
  
I looked down at my wrists and saw really bad bruises where Cam had taken hold of me. Not only were they purple and black, but they went all the way around and down my wrist. He didn’t hold me that tight, did he? It didn’t hurt enough to leave me with bruises like this. I really looked liked I had been seriously abused.  
  
When I looked away, I saw my mom looking down at my wrists as well. She slowly took her eyes off them and made eye contact with me instead. I felt just as worried as she looked. We were both thinking the same thing...  
  
It came back.


	32. Too Much To Handle

A couple of days later, I still wasn’t over Jack, but I decided to stop thinking about him. I still loved him with my entire heart, but Cameron had made me realise that crying and sleeping the entire time wasn’t going to help at all. My life had to go on, I couldn’t let one person ruin it. So, to make it up to my brother, I joined him in doing what he loves most: watching TV and lying down on the couch in weird positions. Well, I was doing that until the doorbell rang.  
  
I got up and walked to the front door the find Abagail waiting on the other side. Confused, I let her in and she asked me if we could talk. I lead her to my bedroom, so Cameron couldn’t hear us, and we took a seat on my mattress.  
  
“So, Jack told me you aren’t talking to him. He’s worried about you, you know,” she started off.  
  
I interrupted before she could continue and rolled my eyes, “has he sent you here, because if he has, you can leave now.”  
  
“No, I came here because I wanted to myself. You deserve an explanation.”  
  
“I thought you came here at 10pm to do something fun, but I guess this is ok as well. I could use some fun in my life right now,” I stretched out and fell back so I way lying on my back.  
  
“Wait, you’re not mad at me?”  
  
“No, why would I be?”  
  
Abagail stared at me for a while, “because you’re mad at Jack for this whole situation.”  
  
“I’m mad at him because he lied, not because you’re pregnant.”  
  
“Oh…”  
  
“He’s probably already sleeping with a different girl everyday. He doesn’t care about me, which is pretty obvious,” I grabbed a pillow and put in in my face before letting out a frustrated scream, “I’m so stupid!”  
  
“That’s not true,” she peeled the pillow away, “Jack’s friends have been worried about him. He doesn’t talk much anymore, he doesn’t enjoy going out, and he pushes any girls away that approach him. He’s not himself anymore. Trust me, I’ve talking to them.”  
  
“So you know who his friends are, and I don’t. Great. That makes me feel much better.”  
  
“It’s only because I forced him to give the phone to them.”  
  
“So what? He still lied to me. He said he was going to visit is parents, but he went out to meet you. And he lied to me about you being pregnant,” I sat back up and ran my hands through my hair that was getting very long.  
  
“Only because he knew the baby couldn’t be his.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Well,” Abagail looked at her hands, which were in her lap, “the pregnancy test also said how many weeks pregnant I would be. It said 3-4 weeks and Jack and I did it way before that. Apparently, when I was in Iceland for quite a long time for work, which I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about, I got very drunk and it happened there. I didn’t know. I also don’t know why I was missing my period before that, I’m guessing stress.”  
  
“Wait. What? So he lied to both of us?”  
  
“No, he told me. After yelling out that I wasn’t pregnant, he told me I wasn’t pregnant with his kid. Didn’t you hear?”  
  
“Well, obviously not!” I exclaimed, “and what about the fact that he said that he was going to visit his parents, but I saw him with you?”  
  
“That’s completely my fault,” she sighed and shook her head, “I had gotten a new phone and my contacts didn’t transfer, but I still had Jack’s number because he wrote it down for me. So I called him to ask to meet both of you, but he told me you were probably at work ‘til later in the afternoon. He still had some time before going to his parents, so he met up with me. He didn’t know I was going to show him pictures of the baby.”  
  
“Oh my god, I’m such a fuck up!” I screamed out.  
  
“No, no. It’s not your fault,” she rubbed my back as my tears started falling, “he said that he had messed up. Instead of telling you the straight up truth, he tried to avoid telling you. He knows that wasn’t the right thing and doesn’t know why he did it.”  
  
“Are you actually telling me the truth, or are you trying to cover up for him?”  
  
“I promise I’m telling you the truth.”  
  
I took a deep breath, this was way too much to take in, “I don’t know what to do, now.”  
  
“Call him, keep ignoring him, break up with him, tell him you love him. You have to choose, I can’t make that decision for you.”  
  
“I- I think I just want to go the bed and see what I’ll do tomorrow. This is too much for me to handle.”  
  
“That’s ok. Go to bed and get some rest. You need a good night’s sleep,” she started getting up.  
  
“Thanks, Abagail,” I mumbled and smiled at her, “for everything.”  
  
“That’s what best friends are for, right?”  
  
\----  
  
The next morning I woke up to my phone frantically buzzing and ringing. It was desperate for me to pick it up and answer, like it was warning me for what was about to come. I checked the large clock before reaching out for the annoying technology. It was 7 fucking am. Who the fuck was calling me at 7pm? I let my eyes adjust to the bright screen and looked at the unknown number. What was going on?  
  
“Hello?” I muttered in a sleepy voice.  
  
“Hi, is this Ireland Knight,” a formal female voice greeted me.  
  
“Umm, yeah…?”  
  
“This is the Johns Hopkins Hospital, we have your results here.”  
  
“Oh, ok.”  
  
“We would like you to come to the hospital to discuss them, that way there will be no misunderstandings and you’ll be able to ask as many questions as you need.”  
  
“Oh,” I started thinking. Why wasn’t she telling me right now?  
  
“Will you be able to be here at quarter to eight? Or should I arrange an appointment of a different day?”  
  
“No, that’s fine. Thank you.”  
  
“Ok, then. We’ll see you in a bit.”  
  
“Yeah… bye.”  
  
I got up without any emotion and stared in front of me as I automatically walked to Cam’s room and knocked on the door before opening it. He groaned and moved up, lifting the covers, inviting me to join him. He probably thought I was here because I was upset and didn’t want to sleep.  
  
“Cam, get up,” I numbly walked up to his bed.  
  
“No,” he groaned and turned around, “are you coming or not?”  
  
“No, Cam, you need to bring me to the hospital.”  
  
This seemed to wake him up, “What? What’s wrong!”  
  
“They have my results.”  
  
“And?”  
  
“I don’t know, they want to discuss them at the hospital. I wasn’t given any information.”  
  
“Ok, when do you have to be there?”  
  
“In half an hour.”  
  
Cameron jumped out of his bed and put on some clothes, “we better get going, then. Do you want to change?”  
  
I shook my head. I was too terrified and scared to even think about that. Why didn’t they just tell me over the phone? Was there something terribly wrong with me? Was I going to die? How long did I have to live? What was going to happen to me?  
  
I looked both at what I was wearing and figured that wearing a zip up hoodie over my tank top would be good enough. My pants were clearly pajama pants, but I didn’t care. I was going to a hospital, I didn’t give a fuck about how I looked. Before putting on some shoes, I quickly put my hair in a messy braid. In no time we were in the cold car on our way to the hospital.  
  
“Do you want me to come with you?” Cameron turned off the ignition as we stood in the hospital parking lot.  
  
“It’s fine. You can come to the waiting room, though,” I took a deep breath before getting out.  
  
He stayed close to my side as I signed in and sat on one of the weird waiting room chairs. They were made to look comfortable, but they were always the worst. The wood would make your butt tingle and your back would start getting the worst cramps ever. Or the fabric on them would cause rug burns and rashes. Nothing about them was nice, they also looked very ugly.  
  
Thinking about how they could improve the entire design kept me occupied until an old man called me up. Since my accident I only ever had appointments with Val, why did they change it now? What was going on? I didn’t want to talk about this with some random stranger! Doctors were terrifying to me, they were always so serious and purposely wrote badly. I wanted Val!  
  
But I still followed the doctor. He lead me to his office and made me sit down on the chair opposite of his. I sat on the edge and looked at the large file that was placed on his desk. It was obvious that I had been at the hospital way too many times.  
  
“So, Ireland, how are you doing today?” he asked me politely.  
  
I brought my legs up to my chest to make myself more comfortable, “tired.”  
  
“I can see you’re still wearing your pajamas.”  
  
“That’s because I was woken up by somebody telling me I had to come the hospital just minutes before I had to leave to be here on time.”  
  
“I’m sorry about that, we just didn’t want to wait much longer. We don’t want it to get any worse.”  
  
“What to get worse?”  
  
“We’ll get to that in a sec,” he opened the file and scanned through it, “so your usual doctor is Valerie Reynolds. She will still be responsible for most things, but I’m a specialised doctor and you will come to me at the beginning of the process, for crucial checkups, and whenever something serious happens.”  
  
Specialised doctor? For what? I looked around and saw posters of blood cells and other diagrams. This wasn’t helping me much. I just wanted to know what was wrong with me. It was serious enough to have a doctor just for it. And what was the process I was going to go through? Why were they keeping everything from me!  
  
“So, I’m just going to get into it,” he closed the file and got a diagram from a drawer, “we were pretty stupid for not testing this first, as you have some history with it. Your file says you had a similar form at the age of six to eleven. So, I can confirm you have Acute Myeloid Leukemia. this means that…”  
  
He started showing me things of the diagram, but I wasn’t listening anymore. Leukemia. It made so much sense, the nosebleed, bruising, tiredness, and I had realised I was losing some weight.  
  
 _I had cancer and I knew it before the doctor even told me._


	33. Accidentally Breaking the Law

I walked out of my bedroom and into the living room. Today was the day. I was no longer upset about Jack, but rather shocked by the fact that my suspicions were confirmed. It was a fact that I had leukemia, is was no longer a theory my mom and I both had. For some reason I wasn’t afraid, but, like I had confessed before, I wasn’t afraid of death. I knew that I was going to die one day, it was inevitable, but now it was just going to come sooner than I had expected.  
  
“I think I’m ready, I have everything packed,” I told my brother who was waiting for me.  
  
“Are you sure? Let me check,” he walked into my room and searched through my duffel bag, “you are no way ready. This thing is half full! You’re lucky that I went out with mom and she insisted on buying you new clothes. I wasn’t going to give them to you yet, but there’s no way that what you’ve packed is enough. So, go get your toiletries ready while I’ll pack the rest of your clothes.”  
  
I totally forgot I also had to bring toiletries. Luckily I had Cam here to help me, I thought I was ready, but I wasn’t even close to being prepared. Everything I could have forgotten, I forgot. But I had a good excuse, right? My memory was fucked up, so it was ok, or so I said to myself. I was actually just really stupid.  
  
I went into my bathroom and took out a toiletry bag to put everything in. After having rummaged through all my drawers, I finally found everything I needed to bring along. This included my toothbrush and toothpaste, my usual makeup, makeup I only used for special events, a razor, some soap, and a plastic bag full of cans of dry shampoo.  
  
Where was I going? To see Jack, of course.  
  
Cameron didn’t know what caused me to change my mind about going, but he wasn’t stopping me. I had thought about it for a while, and decided I really wanted to go. Did Jack know about this? Definitely not. Was I planning on telling him? Nope. But something told me that Jack was going to be waiting for me. If Abagail was telling me the truth, he wouldn’t just think I would give up on him and not show up. Jack wouldn’t forget about me promising to visit him.  
  
When I came out of the bathroom, Cam was already gone and my bag was completely full. How the fuck did he do that? I managed to squeeze the bag of toiletries and the plastic bag full of dry shampoo into it, and barely zipped it up.  
  
I quickly got changed out of my pajamas and into a batman sweater, some gray sweatpants, and some new gray Nikes my mom had gotten me not long ago. To make myself even more comfortable for the ‘plane, I put on the new glasses I got a few weeks back after breaking my last ones when I had a seizure, and put my hair up in my prefered hairstyle: a messy bun.  
  
I picked up the duffle bag and went out of my room, “hey, Cam, where’s Taco?”  
  
“I don’t know, probably sleeping on some chair at the dining table,” Cameron walked up to me and took my bag from me.  
  
Oh, and Taco. Yes, I didn’t tell you guys about that yet. A couple of days after I was given the news, Cameron went out to get me a cat. Nope, I didn’t say that wrong. [He got me a kitten](http://imgc.allpostersimages.com/images/P-473-488-90/21/2143/VFBCD00Z/posters/jane-burton-domestic-cat-playful-tortoiseshell-kitten.jpg). I was lying in bed when he came back and he just placed this cute little orange, black, and white kitten on my bed before walking out without saying a word. I was so confused, but he later explained why he decided to get me one. Somebody who he knew had a litter of kittens and Cameron had decided to get me one after I had my big fight with Jack. It was supposed to cheer me up. Now, the cat didn’t really have to cheer me up for the Jack situation, but it was nice to have a companion during this whole Leukemia thing.  
  
“I still want to say goodbye to her,” I walked to what was her favourite chair, “I expect you take good care of her, ok?”  
  
“Of course I will,” Cameron chuckled.  
  
I found the kitten and stroked it over its head. It let out a high pitched meow.  
  
“Goodbye, Taco. I’ll see you later,” I smiled.  
  
\----  
  
Ok, so it was fucking late right now. My ‘plane was supposed to leave at 11am so I would be in Atlanta at 1pm. But that didn’t happen. My flight was canceled for some reason, I couldn’t be transferred onto the next flight, then the flight I was put on had been delayed. It was 3pm when I left. The worst of it all was that my phone had died at the beginning of it all and I couldn’t find anywhere to charge it. So I couldn’t call Jack or Cam. Nobody knew where I was. Fortunately, there wasn’t much traffic in Atlanta, so the taxi was able to bring me to the venue.  
  
I got out and saw the long line already outside of the doors. Tonnes of teenage girls were chatting, singing, and some were even dancing. A lot of them had colored hair, but most of them were wearing All Time Low merch in some shape or form. I walked past the line and went straight to the security guard standing at a metal fence that was towering over me.  
  
“Umm, I was told to give you this,” I got out my ID and something Jack had sent me to print out on the day I had bought the ticket.  
  
I could hear some of the fans murmuring, asking themselves who I was. More stares were coming my way and I just wanted the security guard to hurry up with his checking over everything.  
  
He got out his walkie talkie, “We have an Ireland Knight here. She has all the right documents, is she allowed in?”  
  
A crackling voice sounded over the device, “Confirmed.”  
  
“Here you go,” he gave me everything back and opened the gate, “the tour bus is right down there.”  
  
I looked forward and saw the bus was just a couple of feet away. The stares of the fans kept following me. It was really starting to make me feel more uncomfortable by the second. To make myself feel more like I knew what I was going, I tried to put back the papers and my ID in my bag, but something caught my attention. There was a weird scream and I saw a figure running out of the bus and running towards me. The fans behind me started fangirling and screaming as well. It was Jack.  
  
He didn’t slow down and grabbed my face to start kissing me as soon as he was close enough. Before I could even think about what was going on, his lips were on mine and I was kissing him back. Well, that was until I realised that he still broke my heart. I pulled away and slapped him across his face.  
  
“Ouch,” Jack groaned, but didn’t let go of me, “I deserved that.”  
  
I grinned at him and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down to meet his lips again. He let his hands go down to my waist and pulled my closer. My bag had long already been put on the floor, so there was nothing obstructing us. I didn’t care about the fans that could maybe see what was going down. This was just between me and Jack. He broke the kiss and threw me over his shoulder, taking my bag on his other shoulder.  
  
“Jack, put me down!” I whined and hit his back  
  
“Nope,” he started walking towards the bus and opened the door to walk up the steps.  
  
“Jack, I’m going to hit my head!”  
  
But he just kept going until we were in the bus. I couldn’t see anything but Jack’s feet. This was such a splendid view.  
  
I felt the blood rushing to my head, slowly suffocating me, “Can’t breathe.”  
  
“I’m sorry, I can’t put you down,” Jack laughed and swayed me around, “not without hurting you.”  
  
“Please, put me down!”  
  
“I can’t!”  
  
“I swear to god, I will kick you in the nuts if you don’t put me down now.”  
  
“You won’t do that.”  
  
Instead of answering I kicked him right in the balls. He dropped me, making me flip over his shoulder and hit the floor with a loud thump. I groaned and turned onto my back to see Jack bending over and holding his crotch in pain. The impact of the fall was definitely going to make me bruise; if me walking into the door very lightly got me to bruise, this was going to be a whole lot worse. I looked up and saw two guys sitting on the couch on the side, staring down at me. Well, this was awkward. Like I wasn’t shy enough already to meet new people.  
  
“I think I might have broken a couple of my bones,” I grunted and started to slowly get up.  
  
“I think you might have broken my dick!” Jack exclaimed, still clutching where I had hit him.  
  
I fully stood up at patted him on the shoulder in mock sympathy, “that’s your problem, not mine.”  
  
He finally stood up straight and walked weirdly to sit down next to one of his friends, “I don’t think I can play tonight. Just tell the fans my girlfriend broke my dick,” he thought about what he had said for a couple of seconds, “let them interpret it how they want.”  
  
Just like with Jack’s parents, I was still awkwardly standing and watching what was going on around me. Couldn’t I just hide away and not meet these people? They were giving me weird looks. And this was one two of them, there was still supposed to be one more, if you didn’t count the crew. According to what Jack had told me, the two guys here were Rian and Alex. Zack was nowhere to be seen.  
  
“Oh, umm, right,” Jack looked between me and the two guys, “this is Ireland. Ireland, this is Rian and Alex.”  
  
Alex squinted at me before getting up, “I still don’t believe you have a girlfriend, it’s just impossible.”  
  
I glared at him and nodded, this was the guy that I always heard in the background telling Jack that I wasn’t real, “you’re right, I’m just a prostitute he hired to come here. It’s not like I’ve had to put up with this guy for months. I’m earning pretty good money.”  
  
“I really don’t know if you’re lying or telling me the truth. Jack is literally capable of everything.”  
  
“Of course I’m lying. Do I look like a prostitute? Wait, no... Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”  
  
Jack tugged on my hand and pulled me onto his lap. He rested his head between my shoulder blades and wrapped his arms tightly around me, “I’m so glad you came.”  
  
“Yeah,” I trailed his arms and hands with my fingers before shifting a bit, “I’m sorry for being very late, by the way, my flight got canceled and my phone died so I couldn’t contact anyone.”  
  
Rian spoke up, “we weren’t sure you were coming anymore, but Jack insisted you were. Oh, and you can charge your phone over there.” He held his hand out for me to give him my phone and plugged it into the charger.  
  
“I feel like we should do this like a job interview,” Alex suggested, “we ask questions and you answer. That way we will get to know you and see if Jack’s good enough for you.”  
  
Jack took me off of his lap and placed me on the couch next to him, “but first you need to take your medication.”  
  
I nodded, but froze before I could stand up, “shit. I left it at home.”  
  
“What! Are you going to be ok without it?”  
  
“Probably not.”  
  
“It’s not like she will die without it, right?” Alex joked.  
  
I glared at him, he didn’t know, but still, “anything can happen, you never know.”  
  
Alex stopped laughing and gave me a serious look. It was like he was expecting me to laugh and say it was all a joke. But it was not. Maybe I was going to be fine, but I could also start having a ton a seizures.  
  
“I think I might have some,” Jack walked toward the bunks and came back with a bottle of pills.  
  
I took it from him and looked at him weirdly, “you know having these is illegal, right? I have a permit, but you don’t.”  
  
He shrugged and gave me a bottle of water before sitting down, “I still have them from when I was given them at the hospital. You forgot to take these home. I guess they fell into my suitcase, I found them a couple of days ago.”  
  
I popped the required dosage in my mouth and gulp some water down to chase them, “I forgot to take them this morning, shit. If I die, you know why.”  
  
“You’ll be fine.”  
  
I looked up at Rian and Alex, “so, are you going to ask me some questions or what?”  
  



	34. Inspection and Recognition

Alex and Rian studied me one more time while thinking of questions to ask me. So far I had been a lot less shy than I excepted I was going to be, but their stares were making me feel uncomfortable. They could be silently judging me and I wouldn’t know. Jack was just quietly sitting next to me, not even being bothered about his friends getting ready to interrogate me.  
  
“Let’s just start easy here,” Alex stopped pacing up and down, “what’s your full name?”  
  
“Jack doesn’t even know this,” I chuckled, “Ireland Åse Torborg Knight.”  
  
“What!” Jack looked so surprised, “how did you get those names! What the fuck!”  
  
“My grandma on my mum’s side is Swedish,” I shrugged, “I’m basically a quarter Swedish.”  
  
“What the fuck! Why didn’t you ever tell me this!”  
  
“You never asked!”  
  
“Now it’s my turn!” Rian looked excited to ask me something, “wait nevermind. I was going to ask you something, but I don’t want to scare you off… yet. So, I’ll just ask what you do for a living.”  
  
Oh great. This question. I was literally broke. The ‘plane ticket had cost me all my money. I didn’t know back then that the only job I would still have was the job I had at the grocery store.  
  
“Umm,” I tried stalling and my answer came out more like a question, “I’m kind of in between jobs right now, unless you count my job at the grocery store.”  
  
I could see Jack gaping at me from the corner of my eye, “what happened to you being a dance instructor?”  
  
I shrugged, “I had to quit it.”  
  
“But why! That was fucking awesome!”  
  
“Because the doctor literally told me to quit it or I’ll have serious consequences.”  
  
Why was Jack always interrupting? I got that he hadn’t seen me in three weeks, but I just wanted to get this over with. Last time I was asked tonnes of questions was the first time I hung out with Jack and we were playing 21 questions. That didn’t really end up well. I had to confess my one secret to him; something I had wished to keep for a bit longer. I didn’t need his friends knowing how fucked up I was.  
  
“Wait. You got your results back, right? Anything important?”  
  
This was it. I had to tell Jack I had leukemia. But I didn’t want to do it while two strangers that were his best friends were in the same room as us. This was going to devastate him. I just came back and the leukemia could take me away from him whenever it wanted. The doctors had told me I was still in Stage 1 and that I should be fine, but it was acute, meaning that it was spreading quickly; nobody knew how fast.  
  
Apparently I had been quiet for too long because I saw Jack give me a worried look. I had to tell him, “oh, umm, well-”  
  
My phone, which was now barely charged, started notifying me of a facetime call. Saved by the bell, well, technically ring, but still. I just didn’t have to tell Jack anymore. Instead, I quickly got up to check who was calling me, excusing myself before. The caller ID told me it was Cam and I knew exactly why he was calling me, but I still answered.  
  
“You fucking idiot!” Cameron screamed, “I come home and I fucking find this in the kitchen!” he showed me all the medication I had left at home, “are you fucking crazy!”  
  
“I’m sorry,” I said in an overly sweet voice, “please don’t come here and murder me.”  
  
“Oh, you fucking bet your ass I will!”  
  
“Shh,” I slowly put my phone down.  
  
“Ireland, no, what are you doing!”  
  
“Shh…”  
  
“Don’t you fucking dare hang up on me!”  
  
“Shh…” I put my finger to my lips and hung up on him. Since we were young, this was the way I got rid of Cam whenever he was mad at me. For example, he would get mad at me when we were in his room, I would slowly walk out of his room while shushing him and closing the door. It often left him confused, but it could also get him more mad. Basically, it just meant I didn’t really care.  
  
I turned back to the three guys and apologized. Before I could sit back down, the fourth guy came from the bunk area. His eyes rested on me and he seemed to be releasing something until everything made sense.  
  
“Ireland?” he asked me.  
  
“Umm…” I didn’t know what to say. Zack seemed to know me, but I couldn’t remember him. I was right with my guess that I did know him.  
  
“Wait, you are Ireland Knight, right?”  
  
“Umm, yeah?’  
  
“We-”  
  
Jack interrupted him, “woah, woah, hang on there, buddy. Don’t tell her where you know her from. Don’t you dare tell her.”  
  
At least Jack remembered the rule that nobody could tell me anything about my past. But Zack did not know about this. He gave Jack a the most confused and insulted look ever. I had to fix this.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, “I don’t remember anything from high school and such, except for the very beginning of Freshman year.”  
  
“Ok…?” Zack tilted his head to one side. Something about him seemed so familiar, but I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. So, I kept staring at him, trying to figure out what was up with this weird buff guy. I sat down on Jack’s lap and kept thinking about it. What was it with this guy?  
  
Suddenly it made sense, “oh my god! I remember!”  
  
“You do?” Jack was more excited than Zack.  
  
“I was the only Freshman asked to the Senior prom. At first I said no to the guy, but he kept asking me and I felt bad, so I eventually said yes. Even though he had already graduated a year or so before, Zack went with some girl. I don’t know whether it was his girlfriend or not. But the guy I went with and the girl he went with ditched us for each other. So, Zack and I spent time together at a party we didn’t even belong to. Is that right?”  
  
“Yeah,” Zack smiled, “we made fun of all the couples. After that we never saw each other again, though.”  
  
“I’m more concerned about the fact that a Senior asked you to prom when you were a Freshman, than you knowing Zack,” Jack pointed out and rested his chin on my shoulder.  
  
“There’s a four year age gap between us, don’t whine about it,” I flicked him against his head.  
  
“Yes, but you’re 23 now, not 14 or 15. That guy must have been crazy!”  
  
“I don’t remember,” I shrugged.  
  
“I say she gets to stay!” Alex suddenly announced.  
  
“Good, because I have no way to get home,” I chuckled.  
  
“Ok, so the rules of the tour bus-”  
  
“Don’t take a shit, only use bottled water, don’t make a fuck ton of noise when people are sleeping, don’t get drunk and puke everywhere, oh, and no sex on the bus.”  
  
“How do you know that?” Jack questioned.  
  
“Don’t underestimate my brother, I’ve been on a tour bus before, just never this long.”  
  
\----  
  
The guys still had an hour before they had to get ready for the stage. So, we were all in the back lounge, watching a movie together. I was cuddled up against Jack, his arm around my shoulders. If it’s any significance to you, the movie was some weird action movie that made no sense, but the others seemed to enjoy it, so I said nothing. Just because I was here did not mean they had to do everything according to me. Quite the opposite, actually. I was just enjoying Jack’s company. Well, that was until there were some flashing light from gunshots that the main character was shooting.  
  
My brain suddenly felt very fuzzy and I knew precisely what was going to happen. Before I could try to stop it and warn anybody, my head suddenly slid off Jack’s shoulder and fell into his lap. The guys started hollering, but Jack quickly picked me up.  
  
He searched my face, “are you ok?”  
  
I groaned in response. Everything was spinning and distorting. I didn’t know what was going on anymore. Nothing made sense.  
  
“Do you think you’re gonna…” Jack asked me.  
  
I nodded while trying to not move my head too much. Every time I made a movement everything only got worse. I didn’t even have control over my legs anymore.  
  
“I’m going to put you on the floor, ok?” Jack picked me up bridal style and laid me down on the floor, “Alex, can you give me your hoodie?”  
  
I heard more talking, but I couldn’t process anything. The pitches in their voices were muffled and my brain couldn’t seem to make words out of them. It felt like I was underwater and they were talking above water.  
  
Something was being put underneath my head and Jack’s hands checked my neck if I had anything on that could suffocate me before he took of my glasses. I didn’t want to have a seizure; not now. If I hadn’t forgotten to take my medication, this wouldn’t have happened. The worst part was that I did take my last dose, so my body kept resisting the seizure. I would feel like I was about to go unconscious, just to wake up again.  
  
 _It’s ok, I’m right here with you._  
  
I’m not leaving.  
  
Don’t try to resist it, just let it happen.  
  
I love you.  
  
And that’s when I lost my consciousness.  
  
When you black out you never know how much time has gone by. It could be seconds, minutes, or even hours. Normally I wouldn’t even realise how long my seizures took, but this time was different. I was so close to consciousness a couple of times and I could hear Jack talking to me, but I would always slip back. At some points I was able to squeeze his hand, but my muscles would always tense up weirdly again. It was terrifying. I didn’t like knowing what was going on while I was having a seizure.  
  
After what felt like ages, I was finally able to open my eyes without having them close straight away after. Jack was stroking the hair out of my face and I tried to sit up, but he carefully pushed me back down.  
  
“Don’t get up just yet,” Jack apologized.  
  
I ran my hands over my hair and in my hair, “fuck.”  
  
I couldn’t even remember where I was. Why was Jack here? Was I already in the tourbus? But I couldn’t recall getting on the ‘plane and meeting all of his friends. Did Jack and I already make up? Maybe I had fallen outside, but they found me and brought me in. I really didn’t know what was going on anymore.  
  
“Can you tell me your name?” Jack started going through the basic questions he was told to ask me after a seizure.  
  
“Ireland,” I groaned and tried to sit up again just to be held back by Jack again.  
  
“And your birthday?”  
  
“23rd of April.”  
  
“Ok, good, how about your brother’s birthday?”  
  
What? How was I supposed to know that! It was somewhere in the back of my mind, but I didn’t know it. It seemed like something that was supposed to be common sense, but I really didn’t know.  
  
“Your twin brother’s birthday, when is it?” Jack repeated slower.  
  
“I don’t know,” I started getting frustrated and just wanted to get up.  
  
“Your brother shares your birthday, which is on the 23rd of April. When is his birthday?”  
  
I shook my head. I honestly didn’t know. Couldn’t he just get that? Why did he keep asking me?  
  
“Ok, what about my name? Do you know that?” Jack asked this time.  
  
My mind completely clouded over, “I knew it a second ago… Wait…. no. I don’t know.”  
  
I suddenly got really tired. All I wanted was to do was to sleep. I didn’t want anymore questions, so I tried to voice my opinion, but I couldn’t talk anymore. I kept trying and trying, but nothing came out. The words just weren’t there. So I signed it, hoping that anybody here knew sign language.  
  
“Ok, let’s get you to bed then,” the guy who’s name I couldn’t remember picked me up, “and I’ll stop asking you questions.”  
  
Since when did he know sign language? Not being able to ask him, he brought me to his bunk, which was on the bottom, and let me lie down. He closed the door to the back lounge and came back to me.  
  
“Do you want to wear something more comfortable to sleep in?” My boyfriend pointed at my sweater.  
  
I nodded and let him help me up. He looked through his suitcase which was in a neighbouring bunk and pulled out one of his t-shirt. I allowed him to pull my sweater over my head, leaving me in just my bra. He went to give me the shirt before stopping.  
  
“Would you like me to take this off as well?” He motioned towards the bra.  
  
Once again I nodded. Sleeping in a bra just wasn’t comfortable. He reached behind my back and managed to unhook the bra in one go. I shrugged it off and he placed it in the bunk with his suitcase before pulling the t-shirt over my head so I wasn’t left naked anymore. After lying back down, the guy wrapped the blanket around me and kissed my forehead.  
  
“I’ve got to go play the show now, but I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he smiled at me, “I’m not leaving you, I’ll just be a couple of meters away, ok?”  
  
I smiled back at him and signed ‘I love you’.  
  
“I love you too,” he slowly kissed me and closed the curtain, leaving me alone in the dark safety of the bunk.


	35. Considering and Decision Making

After they had finished the show, Jack had come to wake me up. I didn’t remember anything from the entire evening, except the memory of Zack still remained. The last thing I remembered doing was entering the airport. I didn’t know anything about the delay I had or meeting Jack’s friends. To say I was embarrassed to have a seizure in front of them, was an understatement. I had to explain everything that was wrong with me afterwards, but I left the leukemia part out. They didn’t need to know that.  
  
It was now two days after that and the bruises I had formed from falling on the floor were still clearly blotching my side, but nobody knew. I had just taken my medication and decided it was time to tell Jack. He deserved to know. I couldn’t hide this. It was serious. What is anything happened to me? Jack needed to know.  
  
I walked out to where Jack was sitting with Alex in the front lounge, “Jack, can I talk to you?”  
  
“Yeah, sure,” he paused the video game he was playing and took me back to the bunk, closing the automatic door behind him.  
  
I leaned against the wall between two columns of bunks and Jack leaned against the one opposite of me. We were literally inches apart and there was a lot of tension, and not necessarily sexual tension. I was pretty terrified; I didn’t know how I was going to tell him. This could ruin our whole relationship.  
  
Jack double checked if there was anybody else in here, when he found no one, he turned back to me, “so what’s up?”  
  
“umm…” my heart was beating so fast and my hands were starting to shake. My hands never shake!  
  
“Wait, are you breaking up with me?” Jack looked worried and upset.  
  
“No,” I shook my head. I couldn’t do this. This would ruin him. I couldn’t tell him.  
  
“So…?”  
  
I stared at him and was about to start panicking. What was I going to tell him? This was going to break his heart. With no excuse coming up, I held onto his face and crashed my lips against his. Jack quickly melted into it and his arms wrapped around my waist. He slowly pulled me so I was leaning against him. I deepened the kiss, making sure my breathing stayed even so I could continue without stopping. Jack let out a short moan and pulled me even closer-  
  
“Guys!” Rian had entered the bunks, “no sex on the bus!”  
  
“We’re not having sex!” Jack argued and motioned towards his hands with his head, “hands are on waist, not butt.”  
  
“Busted!” Alex called out from the front and looked past Rian.  
  
“I don’t even want to have sex with this guy,” I laughed, “I mean, look at those eyebrows!”  
  
“Excuse me!” Jack gasped, “my eyebrows are amazing!”  
  
“I’m sorry, Jacky,” I slapped his cheek softly a couple of times and got out of his hold, “they really aren’t.”  
  
“Nooo! This whole relationship has been a lie!”  
  
“I’m sorry, I just can’t date someone with eyebrows like that,” I sat down on the couch and put my legs up.  
  
“We actually never went on a date…” Jack remarked and sat down next to me, moving my legs so they were across his lap.  
  
“The last date I ever went on was terrible.”  
  
“What happened?” Zack asked after making himself a sandwich.  
  
I pretended to think and looked at Jack who was begging me to not tell them by shaking his head, “well, first of all the guy was a fucking douchebag. He just wouldn’t stop talking about the money he had. So I just walked out, he was annoying the fuck out of me. And Jack had told me before hand that I should come to his house afterwards. So I do that and I-”  
  
Jack slapped his hand over my mouth, “no. That part of the story doesn’t matter.”  
  
Alex laughed, “was he dancing around naked or something?”  
  
I peeled Jack’s hand away, “no, that happened before, though. But anyway I get there and I see him fucking my friend. So I leave, then I home and I get sick because of that whole brain thing. Let’s just say it wasn’t the best day ever.”  
  
“Jack!” Alex gasped over dramatically, “you must broken her heart doing that.”  
  
“Actually” I chuckled and looked at Jack who looked so embarrassed already, “Jack was the one freaking out that I walked in. You see, this guy,” I pointed at Jack, “had developed feelings for me, while I hadn’t even considered liking him in that way.”  
  
“She was just too irresistible,” Jack shook his head at me, “the way she called me a cocksucker just blew me away.”  
  
“Hey, I can’t deny it,” I joked, “I always won our name calling fights.”  
  
“Actually…”  
  
“You won one time! Stop making yourself seem like the best thing there is! But you’re still better at making dick jokes.”  
  
“I’m the dick joke master!”  
  
Alex laughed and agreed before turning slightly serious, “I just want to remind everyone that Lisa’s coming tomorrow. She coming to the event thingy, is Ireland coming as well?”  
  
“Yes,” Jack said.  
  
“Wait, what event thingy?” I asked. What the fuck was this about?  
  
“It’s kinda like a red carpet thingy,” Alex explained, “it’s basically just an event we have to dress up for. We have been nominated for one award.”  
  
“What the fuck! I never heard anything about you guys being nominated for something. No way I’m coming!”  
  
“Awe, come on!” Jack pouted, “pwease!”  
  
“No! I don’t even have anything to wear anyway, so there’s no point. I am also broke so I can’t buy anything to wear,” I argued. Why did I never hear anything about this?  
  
“I’ll buy a beautiful dress for you. And shoes, and anything else you need. Please!” Jack moaned dragging out the E.  
  
I shook my head, “the last time I wore a dress you kissed me and stopped talking to me for a month!”  
  
“You just ignored me for three weeks.”  
  
“Because you lied to me and tried making up excuses when you told me you were going to tell the truth!”  
  
“Umm,” Alex awkwardly interrupted, “if this is going to turn into a fight, I would like to be notified so I can leave before I’m put in the middle of it.”  
  
“Fine,” I groaned and flicked Jack on the head, “but nothing too expensive.”  
  
“You’re weird,” Alex looked at me suspiciously, “most girls would take this to their advantage and buy the most expensive shit ever.”  
  
“I just don’t like people buying me stuff,” I shrugged, “which reminds me, my dad wanted to sell his [old car](http://s5.favim.com/610/150306/aventador-black-car-future-Favim.com-2535605.jpg) to me for 1000 dollars. But I’m broke as fuck, like I said before, and I can’t drive a car anyway because I’m not allowed to. You can have it, if you want.”  
  
“Why would I need another car?” Jack was drumming on my leg with his fingers.  
  
“Because it’s a nice car, I dunno,” I got out my phone and looked through my photos, “I have a picture of it.”  
  
Jack took the phone and nearly dropped it when he saw the screen, “what the fuck! Are you sure he didn’t say 300,000 dollars?”  
  
“Yeah… He wanted to give it to me as a gift, but I mean, look at that car, I can’t do that. He realised that having ten cars wasn’t really useful, so yeah…”  
  
“Ten cars?” Alex asked, “What? Let me see the picture.”  
  
Jack handed him the phone and Alex shrieked and actually dropped my phone, “what! How! You traitor!”  
  
“My dad owning his own business that has branches all over the world and me growing up in a house that was way to big for my family, does not define me. I would rather live in an apartment I can barely afford with my brother and do what I love, than ask my dad for money and live in a nice house.”  
  
“That’s why I love her,” Jack nuzzled his head against my shoulder, making me laugh and push him off.


	36. "Are You Saying Yes to the Dress?"

The next day Alex disappeared to pick up Lisa from the airport. I just hoped I wasn’t going to be too awkward when I met her. It was going to be another person I had to introduce myself to and explain all my problems too. But I had to do it, as much as I hated meeting new people. I just wasn’t good at this stuff. So, while Alex was picking up Lisa, Jack and I were in the front lounge of the bus doing random shit.  
  
We were discussing whether pancakes with maple syrup or pancakes with chocolate were better. You know, just a casual conversation I often had with Jack. These discussions would often lead into us seriously debating until we came to the conclusion that both were pretty good. We really were the weird couple that everybody knew.  
  
Suddenly the door opened and Alex came in with a girl behind him. I actually recognised the girl, but I didn’t know where I saw her.  
  
Jack looked over to them and groaned, “there’s going to be girl products all over the place now! I can deal with the stuff of one girl, but two girls is way too much. Cassadee better not join us as well.”  
  
I raised my eyebrows at Jack before disappearing off to the bunks and getting something out of my bag. Before Jack could ask me where I had gone, I opened the box of tampons and poured the entire contents over his head.  
  
I grinned at him, “can’t get any worse than that.”  
  
“They could be used,” Alex pointed out.  
  
Jack looked around himself and picked one up before handing it to Lisa, “free tampon?”  
  
“umm, I’m good, thanks,” Lisa shook her head and laughed. She then looked at me, “oh my god, Alex. This is that girl that found your USB stick after Jack had lost it; you know, the USB with all the demo’s on.”  
  
“That was you!” Alex gave me a surprised look, “you’ve been together for that long?”  
  
“No,” Jack shook his head, “we have known each other for that long, we’ve only been together for about 7 weeks now.”  
  
I frowned, “Seven weeks? It feels like so much longer! We’ve been moving so fast.”  
  
“Well, we skipped the whole dating phase, and we basically already lived at each other’s places. You could basically call our friendship the dating phase, if you want to, which would mean we would have been together for just over four months or something.”  
  
“I don’t really care, it’s just time. I don’t even know how you know all that stuff. I only found out yesterday that it’s already April, like what the fuck!” I started picking up all the tampons and putting them back in the box. If I was going to stay as broke as I was at that moment, I wouldn’t have been able to afford any new ones when the time came.  
  
“At least I now have someone to get ready with tomorrow,” Lisa smiled while Alex went to put her suitcase in the bunk area.  
  
“I still have to buy you a dress!” Jack jumped up.  
  
“No,” I groaned and did the opposite of what Jack did, and fell back onto the couch, “I don’t wanna.”  
  
“Come on,” Jack tried pulling me off the couch, but I just fell onto the floor instead.  
  
I tried crawling to the bunks, “you can go and buy yourself a nice one.”  
  
He picked me up by the waist, “one that makes my boobs look good?”  
  
“Yes,” I squirmed around to get out of his grip, “to make sure all the guys want you.”  
  
“You promised me you’d come.”  
  
“Fine,” I sighed and he put me on the ground, “but only because I know you will guilt trip me.”  
  
\----  
  
We entered the dress shop Jack had dragged me to. It was pretty small, but very big for a shop that only sold dresses. Everything was ordered on dress size, so it should be easier to find the perfect dress without being disappointed. I didn’t know how Jack knew about this place, and something told me I didn’t even want to know. It wasn’t necessarily because of a previous girl… ok, it probably was.  
  
Jack pulled me along again and started heading to the size 8 section, “I still remember your dress size. You told me once.”  
  
“Umm, Jack,” I mumbled shyly, not wanting to disappoint him, “I’m not the same size anymore.”  
  
“Oh, that’s ok, you’re still perfect to me,” he smiled down at me and looked at the larger sizes, “what’s your size now?”  
  
I let go of his hand and walked to size 4 instead. If I would have trusted my voice, I would have said something, but I was too afraid to start crying. You might think, ‘but you’ve dropped from an 8 to a 4, that must be amazing’. Well, no. I had lost a lost more weight than I initially thought I did.  
  
“Oh,” Jack didn’t know what to say. He probably wanted to ask me how and why I had dropped to this.  
  
“I’m underweight,” I whispered timidly, “I didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened because I-”  
  
“Hi, how can I help you today?” A very excited and fashion-loving girl asked us.  
  
I didn’t get to finish my sentence. Just when I was about to tell Jack about my leukemia, something - or someone - had to come in between. The first couple of times, it was my fault, but this time it wasn’t. But maybe it was for the best; maybe I could wait with telling Jack a bit longer.  
  
“Well, we have to go to an event tomorrow,” Jack explained and pointed at me, “but I forgot to tell her and now she doesn’t have anything to wear. So, I want to buy her a dress, it doesn’t matter how much it costs.”  
  
“I do care,” I raised my hand.  
  
“No, you don’t. I’m only getting you the most beautiful thing you find. I’m not going to force you to buy anything cheap. And don’t you dare choose something because of the price. I know you’ll look for something that doesn’t cost too much.”  
  
“Ugh, fine.”  
  
The girl and Jack proceeded to chose five dresses each to begin with. Let me repeat ‘to begin with’. How was I supposed to survive that! I could barely survive putting on one dress. This was going to be a nightmare, but I wasn’t going to do it for Jack. He seemed so excited, weirdly enough, and I couldn’t ruin that.  
  
I tried on many dresses; pink ones, blue ones, short ones, long ones, ones that were plain, ones that had a lot of glitter, and many in between. It was pretty tiring and annoying to put the dresses on and off, and I hated the fact that I always saw all the bruises in the mirror. But Jack’s reactions were totally worth it. Sometimes he would agree with me, but other times he would freak out or smile. It wasn’t until I was on dress 17, the last dress, that I had realised that Jack was taking pictures of me on snapchat.  
  
“Jack,” I whined, “you know I don’t like that!”  
  
“I couldn’t help it, you look so beautiful in so many of them!” he argued and started showing me a couple of them.  
  
“Now everybody knows who I am!” I saw many photos that included my face as well.  
  
“I’m planning to keep you around for a while, now’s the perfect time for everybody to know. And they can’t deny that you are beautiful, so there’s that.”  
  
“Jack, no,” I moaned.  
  
“I’ll make it up to you by giving you this dress to try on,” he handed me something he had placed on the chair next to him.  
  
I looked at it and scrunched my nose up, “it’s very short.”  
  
“Please try it on!”  
  
I hesitated, but Jack’s eyes were pleading me, “fine, I guess trying on one more terrible dress won’t be that bad.”  
  
But when I disappeared back into the changing room and looked into the mirror, I changed my mind. This dress was not terrible. The opposite actually. I actually was wearing a dress I liked. What were the odds! Of course it had to be the last one I tried on. But I really did like it.  
  
I took it off and put on my normal clothes before going back to Jack. He frowned and pouted when he saw me, “I don’t get to see it on?”  
  
“You’ll get to see it tomorrow,” I grinned.  
  
“Are you saying yes to the dress?” He wiggled his eyebrows.  
  
“Oh god, please don’t say that,” I laughed, “but yes, I like it.”  
  
“Now we need shoes!” Jack yelled out and started dragging me through the store again.  
  
Never had I ever seen a guy so enthusiastic when shopping for their girlfriend.


	37. Holding On, but Falling Over

When we came back it was already time for Jack to go to soundcheck. We had been gone for a couple of hours and decided to go get some food afterwards as well. Fortunately, though, their soundcheck was later than normal, so we didn’t have to cut things short. I counted this as our first official date. Maybe the dress shopping wasn’t really part of it, but the lunch/early dinner was. I actually had fun and Jack didn’t try to get me to like him by promising to buy me a boat. Well, that wasn’t completely true, because Jack totally made fun of it. But he was definitely a lot better than that Brian guy; anybody would be a lot better than Brian. Jack was just amazing.  
  
We were now all in the All Time Low changing room. This venue actually had a good shower, so I decided to take advantage of it. I hadn’t had a good shower since I came here. The one in the bus could only be used for short periods of time and the ones at the venue were either pretty crappy or somebody else was using them. I had actually already brought a bag with a large and a small towel, soap, some clothes, and other stuff with me. This time I was not going to let someone else claim it before me. I was starting to learn the ropes of tour pretty quickly.  
  
I stood up, “I’m going to take a shower. If anybody objects, they can go fuck themselves.”  
  
“Well, have fun then,” Alex looked up from his phone, “I’d rather not fuck myself today, maybe tomorrow I will, though.”  
  
I rolled my eyes and started making my way to the small bathroom, trying not to fall over any of the legs. Jack followed me, however, causing us to get some weird and suggestive looks. I, myself, also got confused.  
  
“Yo, Jack, where you going?” Alex called out, the only one daring to hear the answer.  
  
“With her?” Jack gestured with his hand as if it was blatantly obvious.  
  
“Oh god, please don’t be too loud.”  
  
“I will be as loud as I want to be,” I pointed at him accusingly.  
  
With that Jack and I both went into bathroom, locking the door behind us. I put my bag in the sink, as there was no where else to place it, and got out my shampoo and body wash. Jack was watching me while I was doing everything.  
  
“You know they think we’re going to have sex, right?” Jack told me.  
  
“Are we?” I raised an eyebrow at him.  
  
“I don’t know, are we?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Ok.”  
  
I took off my clothes and turned on the shower before taking off my underwear. Jack just stood there awkwardly. I knew exactly why he was here, though. He was still too afraid to leave me alone in the shower. Now that he knew I was comfortable being naked around him, he came in the shower, instead of staying outside the bathroom.  
  
“You can take a shower with me while you’re at it,” I told him before stepping in the warm water.  
  
“You want me to join?” Jack asked.  
  
“Yeah, why not?”  
  
“Ok,” he took off his own clothes and boxer briefs before stepping in the shower with me, “sorry in advance if I get a boner.”  
  
“I’ve learned to ignore it,” I laughed and got my hair wet. Before I could even reach to grab the bottle of shampoo, Jack already lathered my hair.  
  
“I can get used to this,” I smiled at him, “I won’t have to do much anymore. Will you shave my legs while you’re at it?”  
  
“Strangely enough, I wouldn’t really mind,” Jack stared off at the distance and shook his head, “we are way too comfortable with each other.”  
  
“I liked to think of it as a good thing. But I won’t shave your balls for you.”  
  
“Dammit!” Jack picked up the bottle of body wash, “I guess you’ll just have to wash them with oatmeal and shea butter body wash… Who the fuck puts oatmeal in their soap!”  
  
“I don’t know, but it smells good, so I like it,” I took it from his and put some in my hands, but I then noticed a dilemma, “if I want to put this stuff on my legs I’m either going to have my face in your dick or my but against your dick. This shower is way too small.”  
  
“I could do it,” he scooped the soap out of my hands and into his.  
  
“But then your face will be in my-”  
  
“When will you realise that I don’t care?”  
  
He continued to wash my legs while I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair. This was a lot more efficient than when I showered by myself. I would have expected us to keep getting distracted, especially since Jack often got distracted in everyday life.  
  
“How did you get these bruises?” he trailed the purple and yellow blotches and stood up back to my eye height.  
  
“When I kicked you in the balls and you dropped me on the floor. It doesn’t hurt too bad, I can still sleep on this side,” I shrugged as if it wasn’t anything big.  
  
“Oh, ok. I’m sorry about that,” he grabbed my waist and carefully leaned forward until our lips touched.  
  
Just when we both started to melt into it, I pulled away, “I still have to be loud for Alex.”  
  
“And how are you planning on doing that?”  
  
“You know, the normal thing most people do in the shower,” I shrugged and thought about what I would do. When I finally knew it, I smirked.  
  
“Hey, Alex!” I shouted, knowing he should be able to hear me, “this is just for you!”  
  
I proceeded to loudly sing the chorus to Guts. Cam and I would sometimes sing it together, so I knew the lyrics. Also, it seemed pretty fitting. The only problem was that Cam was the much better singer. There was a reason why he was the lead singer of a band and I wasn’t. I just simply didn’t sing; I could dance and do other sports, but you just can’t be talented at everything.  
  
“Holy shit! That was amazing,” Jack gasped after I had finished.  
  
“Yeah, right,” I got out and dried myself off, “do you want the small towel or the big towel?”  
  
“No really, that was good. And I think my dick will look a lot bigger if I take the smaller towel. So…”  
  
“Your dick’s good enough,” I patted him on his shoulder and gave him the small towel, knowing he only said it so I could have the big one.  
  
“You don’t think it’s perfect!” Jack gasped, “how dare you?”  
  
“I don’t have much to compare it to, do I?”  
  
“Fair enough.”  
  
I got out the clean clothes and put them on. They were all new, Cameron had gotten them for me, and I was actually surprised by how much I liked them. Sure, they were different to what I normally wore, Cam obviously had some influence on the choices, but they still looked cool. What I was going to wear today was just a simple white sports bra with a black muscle top and some black ripped jeans. I was also going to put on some of the bracelets Cam had hidden in my duffle bag, because I thought it was pretty sweet of him to do that. Also, I thought it would fit with what else I was going to do today.  
  
“I’m going to watch your show today, if you’d like me to,” I turned around to see Jack just pulling his shirt over his head.  
  
“Yes!” Jack eyes went wide with excitement, “and look at you all punky and rocker chick. I like it.”  
  
“Well, you have Cam to thank for that,” I unlocked the bathroom and let all the steam roll out. The fresh air hit my face, and I realised it was really difficult to breathe in there. Before I could even take three steps out of the bathroom, though, Alex stumbled up to me and grabbed me by my arms.  
  
I looked at his hands and frowned, “why are you touching me?”  
  
“You have to sing with me!” He blurted out and tightened his grip, shaking me a bit.  
  
“Please don’t touch me.”  
  
He let go off me, raising his hands up, “please, please, please, please!”  
  
“No,” I walked past him and put my bag back on the table I got it from.  
  
“What! Why!”  
  
“Because I don’t sing,” I rolled my eyes and fell back onto the couch, “obviously.”  
  
“No, you’re good at it!” Alex glared at me, looking like he would attack me if I wasn’t going to say no again.  
  
“My brother and my mom sing, my dad and I do not. I just can’t do music. So, no.”  
  
“But-” Alex got cut off my Jack walking up to him and whispering in his ear. I couldn’t hear anything Jack was saying, but it caused Alex so frown before he smiled slightly.  
  
“Ok, fine. I’ll just sing all by myself again,” Alex sighed dramatically.  
  
“You have Zack,” I pointed out casually.  
  
“Whatever.”  
  
“Nice to know you’re grateful!” Zack exclaimed, looking up from his phone. Alex didn’t reply except for sitting on Zack’s lap and kissing his cheek. Zack pushed him off and Alex pouted before going over to Lisa and sitting with her.  
  
Jack, feeling uncomfortable being the only one standing up, made his way to me and poked me, “move over, fatass.”  
  
“No,” I stretched and sprawled all over the couch so there was no space left for him.  
  
He grabbed my legs and started pulling me off, but I grabbed the backrest just in time. Sometimes Jack and I didn’t even act like a couple, but more like best friends. But that was only a good thing. Our relationship wasn’t just romantic and sexual, but also a great friendship. It was nice to sometimes go back to how we acted before we officially got together.  
  
“Let go, woman!” he shrieked and kept tugging on me. I could slowly feel my jeans, only held up by my belt, being pulled down.  
  
“I shall not let go!” I tried kicking him, “never!”  
  
Jack let go of my legs and instead grabbed me by my waist and rolled me off the couch. I hit the floor chest first. His strength was too much for me to keep holding on, especially since I barely had any strength left myself.  
  
I groaned and rolled onto my back, “ouch. Can’t breathe, feel like I’m going to be sick. Boobs, ouch.”  
  
“Stop being such a pussy,” Alex joked.  
  
“It actually really hurts, don’t make fun of her,” Lisa hit him on the back of the head, earning a scream out of him.  
  
I faked my death very dramatically, making sure to drag it out. Jack shuffled around to see me better and awkwardly pointed at me before looking up at Brian, the tour manager who had just walked in, “I think she diededed.”  
  
I grabbed his feet and pulled him down with me, “you will die with me, you asshole!”  
  
He hit the floor loudly, just missing me (luckily), “but you died! No!”  
  
“I swear, I will push you out of the bunk today.”  
  
“Please don’t break Jack,” Rian glared at me with a smile, “we need him to make dick jokes on stage. The kids don’t like us unless we have dick jokes!”  
  
\----  
  
Lisa and I were both side stage for the entire show. Everything was so amazing. The crowd was large, much larger than what my brother played for, and they were also dancing and singing along. It must feel great to stand on stage and see people screaming the lyrics back at you, but to me it also seemed terrifying. All these people were focused on you and staring at you. How could you deal with that!  
  
Jack was always running around the place, while Zack was mainly staying in one place and singing his back up vocals. Poor Rian couldn’t talk back whenever Jack or Alex made fun of him; the poor guy didn’t have a microphone like the other three. But the weirdest thing was this thing Alex did. Sometimes when he played the song he would stroke a specific pose - bending his legs and pointing his feet inwards - all the girls in the crowd always went crazy when he did that. But I didn’t really get it. What was so hot about that? It just looked like he would break his knees if he went any further.  
  
“So, for this next song I want to get some of you on stage so sing with me!” Alex hyped up the crowd. He started pointing out people and the security guards helped them to the stage. This was pretty cool, getting the fans to participate. Many bands didn’t want to see their fans get that close to them, but these guys actually were very involved.  
  
Jack walked up to me and I knew immediately what he was going to do. While Alex was speaking, Jack grabbed my wrist and pulled me along with him. I tried to escape and run back, but he was holding on too tight and pulling me too hard. There was no way my method of trying to walk in the opposite direction was working.  
  
“Oh look! It’s Jack’s girlfriend!” Alex shouted, making the crowd go crazy. I did not like this; not at all.  
  
Jack let me go as soon as he was satisfied with where I was standing. But I looked at it like it was my time to break free. So, instead of standing there, like he had hoped, I ran like my life depended on it, back to where Lisa was standing all by herself. When I was about halfway, I felt a pair of arms grab me around the waist, pull me off the floor, and drag me back. I kicked and punched Jack’s arms, hoping to break free.  
  
“Jack let me go,” I cried, tears forming in my eyes. But Jack just laughed, thinking this was all good fun.  
  
“Jack,” my punches were getting weaker and I could feel my breathing becoming more rapid while the crowd was judging me. I really didn’t want to be up here and it was freaking me out.  
  
When Jack finally realised how messed up my breathing was, he finally let me go. I ran; I ran offstage, past Lisa, past crew members, until I reached a wall and slid down it. This was nobody’s fault, but mine. Maybe my shyness hadn’t really come out yet, but now I had fully shown my social anxiety. I had embarrassed myself and everybody was judging me, looking at me. Normally I didn’t care about people judging me, but in situations like this, it was the only thing I could think about. I hadn’t had an attack like this in ages. Why it had to happen now, I did not know. There was another reason why I didn’t want to sing with Alex.  
  
“Hey, you ok?” my hands were peeled away from my face to reveal Jack.  
  
I nodded, still trying to catch my breath, “yes.”  
  
“Are you sure? I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have brought you up there without asking,” Jack’s eyes were warm and apologetic, with a hint of worry.  
  
“It’s not your fault,” I shook my head and watched as Jack held my hands, “if I would have know I would have freaked out like that, I would have warned you before you even went out on stage.”  
  
“It’s not your fault either. You mentioned you used to have social anxiety, I should have known better.”  
  
“Well, I’m ok now. They’re waiting for you, you should go back,” I urged and let go of his hands.  
  
“I want to know for sure that you are ok.”  
  
“Yes, I am ok.”  
  
Jack smiled at me and kissed my forehead before standing up and rushing back to stage, the crowd going crazy when he appeared. But all I could think about was the fact that I wasn’t ok. Not in the sense of the ‘almost-not-really panic attack’ I had, but just in general sense. The leukemia was starting to hit me; and it hit me hard. I was starting to feel sick and actually didn’t love food as much as I used to. The tiredness I felt constantly, was obviously because of it as well. But not only that was changing. I also started getting weird pains in my bones, especially when I was trying on the many dresses. Everything about me was dying.  
  
I was not doing well, but I couldn’t tell Jack.


	38. Getting Ready

I was lying down on the bed Jack and I were sharing in the hotel. We were lucky that Lisa came, and Alex got his own room because of that, because nobody actually believed I was going to come and didn’t even consider getting Jack his own room. I didn’t know why nobody believed I existed, but it was probably about the fact that Jack ‘couldn’t ever have a girlfriend’. But I was able to proof them wrong, and they actually liked me… But the fans, not so much.  
  
Scrolling through twitter, I found many videos and comments about the night before. Some of them were understanding, but that was just a small portion. There were so many tweets that were hating on me. Most of them were along the lines of me not being good enough for Jack, that I wasn’t grateful and that they would be so grateful to be on stage, or that I was hurting Jack. But I wasn’t going to let it affect me. If Jack knew the truth, and I knew the truth, I was fine.  
  
I kept going through all my mentions and hoped that Jack would never see any of them. But it only made my hearts skip when he came out of the bathroom and took my phone away. I was going to reach out and grab it from him before he could see anything, but he didn't look, turned it off and put it on the bedside table before I could do anything. The fans really meant a lot to Jack, I couldn’t be the one to get in between that.  
  
He got onto the bed and put his knees on either side of me, so he was straddling me. I watched as he leaned forward and rested the remainder of his weight on either side of my head with his hands. Without hesitating, he went right for my lips and took no time to deepen it. My instinct made me wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer. I let out a breathy moan while his lips continued to massage mine and his tongue was left to explore my mouth. My eyes closed when he left my mouth and started hungrily kissing and sucking my neck. I was craving more, and I knew Jack was too. He moved his whole body along, our hips touching, and closed any space left between us.  
  
“Jack,” I tried my best not to moan again.  
  
He hummed in response, not stopping his actions, and instead started growing more eager. His lips grazed a very sensitive spot underneath my ear, and I bit my lips in pleasure.  
  
“Jack,” I didn’t want him to stop, and my breathing was becoming more laboured, “we can’t do this now.”  
  
“Why not?” He whispered against my skin and let one on his hands wander up my shirt before his sweet lips were pressing down again.  
  
“I was going to get ready with Lisa,” I reminded him, but at the same time I didn’t want to have to put an end to where this was going.  
  
“Ok, you better go then,” but he had no intention on stopping. His hand reached my bra and he started to creep his fingers underneath it, all while kissing back up my jawline, back to my mouth. Instead of doing what I was supposed to do, I kissed him back and let out another moan.  
  
“Seriously, though, I should,” I unwrapped my arms and pushed him up lightly. Jack tried to kiss me one last time, but he was also allowing me to push him off.  
  
He sat up straight, but didn’t get off me, and pouted, “but this might be the only time we get to be alone together.”  
  
“Well, it’s either Alex walks in on us, or I go over there first. ‘Cause Alex is coming here to get ready with you.”  
  
“But I’m so fucking horny!” Jack whined and got off me regrettably.  
  
“I’m sorry, baby,” I reached up to peck him on the lips before getting the bags full of new stuff I was going to wear, “Lisa and I will come here when we are ready. We are literally in the room next door.”  
  
“The sacrifices I make for you, woman!” Jack fell back onto the bed dramatically and let out a long croaky groan, “my dick isn't used to not having sex for such a long time!”  
  
“You always have your side-chick,” I chuckled and started making my way towards the door.  
  
“My what? I don’t-”  
  
I opened the door, “your right hand, you idiot!” I closed the door casually behind me and saw Alex come out of his room at the same time.  
  
He smiled at me, “have fun.”  
  
“You too, but you have to be careful, he might pounce you,” I told him matter-of-factly.  
  
“What?”  
  
“He did it to me,” I shrugged.  
  
“Do I even want to go in there anymore, now that I know what happened?” Alex laughed, but also sounded pretty worried.  
  
“Nothing happened, that’s why he might go for you,” I winked and disappeared into his room.  
  
Lisa came out of the bathroom with a robe on and her hair wrapped in a towel. She saw me and grinned, expressing how excited she was to get ready with me. But she probably hadn’t realised I wasn’t much fun to get ready with. I wasn’t somebody who obsessed over beauty, so I just didn’t do this type of stuff.  
  
“If you want, you can take a shower,” she pointed to the small warm room she just came out of.  
  
“Umm, yeah,” I put all my bags on the small wooden desk and looked around in one of them, but couldn’t find what I was looking for, “shit. I forgot my razor in the bus. If there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I cannot wear a dress with hairy legs.”  
  
“I have wax, if you’d like to use that,” Lisa picked up a box and showed it to me.  
  
“I never actually used that stuff before…”  
  
“Well, I’ll help you. I’ve done it on other people before,” she opened the box and got the contents out, “take off your clothes, girl!”  
  
“Umm… promise not the judge me?” I had to do this, but I felt really uncomfortable with myself, especially since the recent weight loss.  
  
“Why would I? I’m sure you have an amazing body.”  
  
I took a deep breath and took of my jeans before holding onto my t-shirt, “Well, I still feel pretty uncomfortable around Jack…”  
  
“Don’t worry. We’re both girls. I won’t judge.”  
  
I nodded and pulled the shirt over my head. Lisa grinned and nodded, apparently approving of me, “you see, you look amazing. The only problem is your underwear, you might get weird lines with specific dresses.”  
  
“The dress I’m wearing is really loose, but I’ve got something else. When Jack went out to buy me a dress, he didn’t just do that, he literally got me everything,” I reached into one of the paper bags and took and the underwear I was going to wear.  
  
“Woah,” Lisa gaped at black lace underwear, “Jack is definitely going to like that He won’t be able to keep his hands off you after he had something to drink.”  
  
“Oh, umm, yeah…” I gave her a small forced smile and sat down on the chair she pulled out for me.  
  
She put the first wax strip on my leg and frowned, “what’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing…” I clenched my teeth as she ripped the paper strip off me. This was definitely painful, but it was better than embarrassing myself at an event.  
  
“Bullshit,” Lisa continued waxing my legs at a really fast speed - this girl was a pro, “most girls would be happy if their boyfriend would take advantage of the new lingerie they bought.”  
  
I shook my head, “it’s just… Jack and I, we, umm… We only did it once.”  
  
“What!” Her eyes bulged and looked at me, “how did you manage to keep him under control! That’s, like, impossible!”  
  
I felt a blush creep onto my cheeks, “he, umm, he took my, umm, took my virginity.”  
  
“Oh my god, that’s so cute!” Lisa awed, “but now you don’t want your second time to happen while he’s drunk, right?”  
  
“I guess…”  
  
“Hey, I’m not judging you for that. I’ll call Alex when you take a shower and tell him to tell Jack that he shouldn’t get drunk.”  
  
“Ok,” I whispered and nodded. At least she didn’t think I was weird for just losing my virginity recently. I was actually pretty happy I waited and did it with Jack and not some random high school fling. It was special, but unexpected, yet I knew I would never regret it.  
  
\----  
  
After the entire waxing and me trying my best not to scream out in pain, I finally got to take a shower. It was so weird having everything waxed, and when I say everything, I mean everything; places that I promised would never see a razor again, had been waxed. Do you understand my pain more, now? At least I still felt ok about myself, and I knew this would be a nice surprise for Jack.  
  
I had put on my dress. It was short, like I had told Jack before, but it was flowy, so you couldn’t see how terribly thin I actually was. The two layers, one solid black and one mesh black, gave the dress an extra contour. Jack also bought me black suede heels and a black leather clutch to match my outfit. It was a lot, and he even insisted on buying me jewelry, but I wanted to wear the necklace he gave me and a golden bracelet my brother had once given me after I had passed an important exam. Lisa made me wear pink lipstick and eye makeup, but allowed me to get away with the foundation and other crap she wanted to put on me. My hair was left to dry naturally and it was pulled back into a messy ponytail, a thick braid framing the side and carefully cascading down the ponytail. I actually thought I looked pretty good, if I said so myself. Now it was time to see Jack’s reaction.  
  
I knocked on the door, Lisa to my right, and the two boys opened the door, both also ready. Their eyes went wide at the sight of us and Alex immediately told Lisa that she looked amazing and gave her a kiss. But Jack just stood there flabbergasted. So, naturally, I decided to make to first move.  
  
“Oh wow, princess, you look beautiful,” I gasped, “I forgot to buy a corsage for you, though… I’m so sorry.”  
  
Lisa and Alex chuckled and all Jack could say was a choked ‘oh my god’. He looked me up and down again and pulled me in for a kiss. Hey, if he didn’t trust himself with words, I was fine with actions as well. But I did make sure that I pulled away before Jack could get any ideas.  
  
“You look beautiful,” he mumbled against my lips.


	39. The Leaving and Appearing One

We were sitting in a car the tour manager had somehow arranged to bring us all to the event. I was pretty nervous. There were going to be a lot of people there, and I really couldn’t deal with that. So, yes, I had social anxiety, but I also just hated crowded spaces in general. It wasn’t exactly claustrophobia, because I could deal with small places, it was just the amount of people that freaked me out. But I was going to do this for Jack.  
  
He rested his head on my shoulder and kissed my neck, “I can’t wait to show you off to everybody.”  
  
I hummed in response, not really feeling up to meeting more people. There was no way I was ever going to be good at that shit. But just humming was going to make Jack ask me what was wrong, making me have to tell him eventually after insisting that everything is fine for a million times before that. So, just to shut him up, I also ran my fingers through his hair lightly without messing it up. He probably spent ages trying to get everything to stick up just right, and from experience I knew not to fuck that up.  
  
“These shoes are definitely going to kill my feet,” I tapped my feet, “you might have to carry me around eventually.”  
  
“Oh no,” Jack sat back up and shook his head, “I don’t think I can do that, you’re too heavy.”  
  
“Shut up,” I pushed his shoulder softly. He chuckled before giving me a sloppy kiss on the cheek, only getting me sticking my tongue out as a reply. But he wasn’t happy enough with that, and pointed at his cheek until I pecked his cheek.  
  
“Ugh, can you stop being so cute!” Lisa groaned from another seat.  
  
I turned so I could see her better, “It’s not my fault, it’s all Jack’s doing.”  
  
“Is not!” Jack exclaimed, this time it was his turn to push me ever so slightly.  
  
“Is too!” I pushed him back.  
  
“Is not!”  
  
This was another one of our arguments that turned into play fighting. We wouldn’t try to hurt each other, and it only caused us to laugh. No harm was done. Well, until I remembered that I bruised pretty quickly. I had to stop it before Jack hit me a bit too hard and without being awkward about it. Cutting it off suddenly would be weird. So I quickly made a plan.  
  
“Ouch!” I pouted and rubbed my arm where he had just hit me.  
  
“Oh, shit! Sorry! Did I hurt you?” Jack freaked out and quickly stopped.  
  
My pout turned into a grin, “I just wanted to scare you.”  
  
Normally I would have continued to prank him, but I didn’t feel up to it now. I didn’t need him to get worried just before an award show; I could only imagine how nerve wracking something like this already was. He didn’t need more pressure, and I didn’t want to give him a heart attack, he was too important to me.  
  
“Ireland and I are going to go through the back entrance,” Lisa told the others.  
  
“No,” Jack whined and stuck out his bottom lip, “come with me.”  
  
“No,” I chuckled and found his hand, “you know I don’t like cameras and I don’t want to take a risk and be around a lot of flashing lights.”  
  
“Ok, fine. But I’m going to keep you around me all the time as soon as we get inside.”  
  
“Even when you go to the bathroom?” I asked with a disgusted face.  
  
“Especially then,” Jack joked as the car came to a stop. Lisa opened the door and said goodbye to Alex before stepping out.  
  
“Ew,” I went to go as well, but Jack pulled me back to quickly give me a peck on the lips, causing me to chuckle and moan about him giving me cooties. After finally getting him to let go of me, I followed Lisa to the entrance where other people, probably friends from other bands and musicians, were also being let in. With so many people here, I could only imagine how bad is was going to be inside.  
  
\----  
  
All the awards had been given out, but All Time Low did not win the one they had been nominated for. It was something about having the best song, but the poor guys had to compete against pop artists. Of course famous pop artists were going to win. This was basically a popularity contest. But the boys had already expected it, and were honoured enough to have been nominated. Some of their friends were here as well, so that was also always a bonus. But this was definitely not for the punk/rock genre.  
  
I didn’t know where everyone had disappeared off to, but I was basically left all alone, standing in the place where all the artists had been. People were having private and group conversations. There was laughter everywhere and a lot of noise. But I didn’t fit anywhere. Jack said he was going to be with me the entire time, but he left and I didn’t know where he went to. If only my phone wasn’t out of battery.  
  
Suddenly a redheaded guy with quite long hair came up to me. I didn’t recognize him from anything, but he must either also be an artist or a friend of one of the artists. But he was intending on making conversation with me. I actually didn’t really want to, but I had nothing better to do. Was I just going to stand here awkwardly if I could also talk to some random guy?  
  
“Hey,” he smiled and nodded his head.  
  
“Hi,” I mumbled back, not sure what this guy wanted from me.  
  
“So, you also here for the awards?” He asked me.  
  
“Umm, not really. I came here with some friends,” I explained awkwardly and looked around, “but I really don’t know where they are.”  
  
“I’ll keep you company ‘til they return,” he smiled with half of his mouth and held his hand out, “the name’s Alan, by the way.”  
  
“Umm, Ireland,” I murmured and hoped my hands weren’t too sweaty when I shook his hand.  
  
“So, Ireland, what do you do for a living?” Alan started making small talk and pushed his hair behind his ears.  
  
Why was this always the standard question? I didn’t really have an answer for that. Well, I was supposed to get a notification about the photography job soon, but so far I hadn’t heard anything from them yet. And I probably wasn’t even going to be able to accept it, which really fucking sucked. I was relying on my parents and my brother for money; I wasn’t going to burden Jack with my problems.  
  
“I basically spend most of my time in a hospital, so I don’t really have time for a job,” I told him. It probably sounded a lot worse than it was, but then again, I was literally dying right now and nobody here knew.  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry. Do you mind me asking what’s wrong?”  
  
“Umm-”  
  
My rejection was cut off my arms slowly and secretly snaking around my waist. Jack’s breath was calmly tickling the exposed skin on my neck and shoulder. Goosebumps formed all over my body as he softly pressed a kiss underneath my ear. After our makeout session earlier, he knew that was exactly the spot to get me going. Slowly but surely he was torturing me.  
  
“You said you weren’t going to leave me,” I sighed in content and I leaned into his body.  
  
“Alex dragged me away to meet someone, I’m sorry,” he wrapped his arms tighter and he rested his chin on the bone in my shoulder.  
  
“And you didn’t consider dragging me along?” I chuckled and put my hands over his.  
  
“I tried, but he was too fast.”  
  
“Did you try hard enough?”  
  
“No…” Jack acted like a child who had just been caught doing something terrible until he noticed there was someone else here, “hey, Alan.”  
  
“What’s up,” Alan gave Jack a strong handshake after he pried one loose from the light grip I had on his hands, “I see you’re going for another one night stand.”  
  
“I hope not,” Jack laughed halfheartedly.  
  
“Really?” I contradicted, “My plan was to come here, wear a dress and high heels, sleep with you, leave and fuck you over, fly back home, trash your house and throw toilet paper everywhere, then go back to my apartment, lie to my brother, get him to come over here and fuck you up.”  
  
“Umm…” Jack let go off me, “how did you just come up with that on the spot?”  
  
“I told you, it’s my plan. I’ve been planning it for a while now,” I looked at my nails as if I didn’t give a fuck.  
  
“Looks like you just got rejected,” Alan grinned.  
  
“So this whole relationship was a lie?” Jack played along with my joke.  
  
“Yep,” I nodded and gave him a judgemental look, “the being your friend and the whole falling in love with you thing was a total scam.”  
  
“Well shit.”  
  
I giggled and kissed Jack, making sure any doubts Alan had were gone. There was no way I was ever going to play Jack. I was totally in love with him, and it was pretty terrifying. Being in love with someone was basically trusting them with your heart and every secret you had. With one wrong move the whole thing could go wrong. And with Jack and I moving faster than we thought we were, it was only bound to go wrong. But I loved him and wanted nothing else. _He was basically my life vest._  
  
“So, you guys coming to the afterparty?” Alan asked us after Jack and I broke apart.  
  
“Maybe,” Jack smiled and kept one arm around my waist.  
  
“Well, I have to go now, so I might or might not see you there,” the ginger waved goodbye and left Jack and I alone in the big crowd of people that was slowly dying down.  
  
“So,” Jack whispered in my ear, “want to go party or not?”  
  
I shook my head and hugged him, my eyes becoming heavy, “I’m exhausted, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that. And if we still want to do something, I still have just enough energy for that. It’s either partying with other people, or being just by ourselves.”  
  
“I think that’s a pretty obvious answer,” he smirked and lowered his hands from the place they had on my hips, “I’m very happy Alex told me not to get drunk. I can’t wait to take this dress off of you.”  
  
It didn’t take us much longer to get out of the big arena sized venue and text Alex about us going back to the hotel. All the All Time Low guys probably knew what was going to happen.


	40. Messy, Sick, and Lots of Blood

“Are you sure you’re going to be fine?” Jack asked as we stepped in the elevator.  
  
It was the day after the award show and Jack and I woke up too late. After a night filled with a lot of… activities, we forgot to turn on alarm to wake us up. Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t that late, only 10 minutes, but I knew that the others would start hollering. They knew what happened after the whole event, so they were only going to assume the worst. But the worst did not happen!  
  
I played with the strings off Jack’s sweater, which I was wearing, “yeah, don’t worry too much.”  
  
“I’m going to worry,” Jack held on to my hand and pressed the button for the ground floor, where everybody was already having breakfast.  
  
I leaned into him and rested my head against his shoulder. He stroked his fingers through my hair and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. It was pretty cute how Jack could be so concerned. He would turn all his worry in to love and try to make me feel as good as possible. And I really needed it right now.  
  
The elevator door opened and we both walked out and went towards the dining room. The whole group was already sitting at a table and perked up when they saw us. But they weren’t going to leave it at that. Of course they weren’t, this was All Time Low, they weren’t normal.  
  
“They’re finally here!” Alex exclaimed and he leaned back in his chair and threw up his hands.  
  
“Did you guys think there was still enough time for a quicky?” Rian chuckled and winked.  
  
I ignored all the comments and sat down on the empty chair that was on the far end of the table, Jack sitting down next to me. Right now I wasn’t up to any of their shit and I couldn’t be bothered to talk back and argue with them. I just wasn’t mentally and physically prepared for that.  
  
“Are you warm in that?” Zack pointed at what I was wearing. [While I was in jeans, a tank top, a long sleeved shirt, one of Jack’s t-shirts, and one of his sweaters,](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=194025458) all the others were in t-shirts and shorts. I shook my head; I was actually very cold and shivering a bit.  
  
“She has a fever,” Jack clarified before anybody could ask me more questions, “and feels like shit.”  
  
I nodded to agree and rested my head in my hands, suddenly getting a flash that made me feel really warm and sweaty. But it left after a couple of seconds and I was back to shivering. Yes, that was why Jack was concerned. I literally felt like dying… well not really literally, but you know what I mean. But because Jack was already so concerned about me only have a fever, I was becoming ever more skeptical about telling him about the leukemia. He would only freak out.  
  
Alex mentioned something about them having to discuss something about the band, so Lisa stood up and announced she was going to get some food from the buffet, taking me along with her. We both took a plate and started putting food on them. But I knew that I wasn’t going to eat most of it when feeling like this. I would just make Jack finish it.  
  
“So…” Lisa nudged me while taking her time, knowing the boys might take quite a while, “did you guys still get it on yesterday or did you truly go back and sleep straight away?”  
  
I shrugged and mumbled, not really feeling comfortable talking about it, “yeah, we did it.”  
  
“Really?” Lisa looked surprised, “Alex and I didn’t leave much later than you did, because my feet were literally about to give out, and we couldn’t hear you. Hotel walls are thin, and we were right next to you.”  
  
“We just aren’t loud, quite the opposite actually,” I filled a bowl with some fruit, thinking I would be able to eat that.  
  
“You really have changed Jack’s ways,” Lisa chuckled and took an apple from a bowl, “there used to be nights we couldn’t sleep because of him. But how was it?”  
  
“It was good, I guess… We did it twice and there was a lot of communication. It was basically Jack trying to find out which things I liked and didn’t like. Nothing that special…”  
  
“But did he…. You know…”  
  
“Did he what?” I asked her, feeling a bit faint and I really wanted to sit down.  
  
“You know,” she came closer and whispered in my ear, “make you orgasm.”  
  
I shook my head and giggled for a split second, “no, you must know how difficult it is. But I was satisfied, and he was too. And I guess that’s all that matters.”  
  
Lisa smiled and agreed before leading us back to the table. A headache was starting to build up in my head and the laughter the guys were letting out when we returned didn’t help much. I sat down and Jack immediately took the bread and started eating it. But just like I had said before, I really didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be able to eat it.  
  
Then the guys all went to get some food. Lisa and I had already started eating, but I had only been able to eat some of the fruit when they all came back. Jack kissed the top of my head again before he sat down and continued to act like his normal self. But I was only very distant and was overthinking everything. I wasn’t just sick because I happened to catch something. My leukemia had something to do with it.  
  
And that’s when I felt it starting to happen. I pushed my seat back and ran to the bathroom, locking myself into a stall before I grabbed a wad of toilet paper. My hand was already full of blood and I tried to wipe it off while subsequently holding something to my nose. This wasn’t necessarily a really bad nose bleed, it just didn’t want to stop. The toilet was full of bloody toilet paper and I could feel tears starting to form. I didn’t want to be like this; I just wanted a normal life like everybody else. This leukemia fucking sucked and it was only going to get worse.  
  
Somebody else entered the bathroom, and I heard Lisa’s voice echo off the tiled walls, “Ireland, are you ok?”  
  
“Yeah,” i tried assuring her, but my voice was shaky.  
  
“Where are you? Do you need some help?”  
  
I turned around while trying to grab some more toilet paper and opened the door for her to come in. She probably thought I came in here to puke, as she looked very shocked when she saw what was going on, “oh my god! Are you ok! Shit.”  
  
“I nodded and let out a muffled, “yeah, it’s just a nosebleed.”  
  
“Just a nosebleed! Ireland! This is a whole lot of blood! What’s going on!” She helped me with ripping off more toilet paper and flushed the toilet in order not to clog it later on.  
  
“The toilet paper is just really absorbent, it makes it look worse,” I tried making up an excuse and noticed the bleeding was starting to die down.  
  
Lisa fell for my lie and nodded, trying to clean off some blood that had managed to find it’s way onto my arms. My face was probably going to look like I had just been in a battlefield. I flushed the toilet once when I realised it had finally stopped. This nosebleed had only made me use up a bit over half of the toilet roll. It wasn’t that bad. I washed off all the blood from my face and made sure to rinse my arms and hands to get rid off any of the dried up blood that stuck to my skin like it depended on it.  
  
Before leaving the bathroom, i turned to Lisa, “do I have any blood left over on me?”  
  
“You’ve got some on the sweater,” she pointed at the hem where two perfectly shaped drops were staining the gray fabric.  
  
“Oh fuck,” I sighed, knowing that it was going to be impossible to wash it ut without any washing powder, “I hope Jack doesn’t mind.”  
  
“He probably won’t,” Lisa let me go out before her by giving me a small reassuring push on the small of my back. Jack looked up at me as soon as I stood back in front of the table. He looked so distressed and anxious, worried if something bad happened to me.  
  
I pulled on his sweater a bit, “I’m sorry I got some blood on this.”  
  
“Oh, umm,” Jack raised an eyebrow at me while at the same time not trying to look judgemental. What I had said was very stupid. A girl just went to the bathroom and came back with blood on her. Of course he was going to think it was period blood!  
  
“Nosebleed,” I cleared up as my eyes went wide with realisation.  
  
“You don’t have to go to the hospital this time, right?” He took hold of my hand.  
  
“That was one time,” I rolled my eyes, trying to make the whole situation lighter, “but I think I’m going to go up and get ready already.”  
  
Jack frowned, “ok, want me to bring up any food?”  
  
I shook my head and looked at the plate that was still completely full, “no, I’m fine, thanks.”  
  
He let me go afterwards and I sloppily walked back to the elevator Jack and I just barely came out of a couple of minutes ago. I actually was starting to feel worse by the second, but still decided to enter our room and pack everything. While fitting everything back into the bags we had, the whole feeling of cold left me, and the warm suffocating feeling took over again. I desperately tried to take off the sweater and sat on the bed, trying to get myself to cool down.  
  
But it didn’t go as easy as I wanted it to. My stomach started clenching and churning and my head started to make everything spin. This wasn’t any good. I groaned and rested my head in my sweaty palms, trying to think of happy things to make me feel better. But nothing worked. Instead a wave of nausea hit me, and I had to make a run for the bathroom, my knees painfully hitting the cold tiles. I tried collecting all my hair in one hand before the contents of my stomach burned my throat and came out. This was definitely going to ruin my voice. I was basically spewing up only acid, nothing else, since I hadn’t eaten anything in a long time.  
  
“Hey, baby?” The door to the room opened and Jack walked in, “Isle?”  
  
The sound of me expelling more of the painful substance notified Jack that I was in the bathroom. He showed up around the corner and rushed over to me when he realised what was going on.  
  
“It’s ok, baby,” he took over my hair and pulled it all back properly, rubbing reassuring circles on my back. I really needed a haircut, it was getting way too long.  
  
I wiped my mouth with some toilet paper after I felt like I was finished and let Jack help me up. He wrapped me into a hug and I let my hands rest on his rest and I hid my face in the crook of his neck. We swayed to the left and right slowly and I breathed in his familiar scent. Something about him just made me feel so much better, even though I knew, in the back of my mind, that everything was really wrong.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Jack ran his fingers through my hair, getting some of the tangles out.  
  
“Terrible, but I’ll be fine,” I tenderly kissed his neck.  
  
“We have to walk to way back to the bus, will you also be fine doing that?”  
  
I nodded and let go of Jack reluctantly, “I’ll brush my teeth now and I’ll crawl into your bunk and sleep as soon as we get to the bus.”  
  
“Ok,” Jack watched me put toothpaste on my toothbrush, “but I will join. I want to give you loads of cuddles.”  
  
\----  
  
Jack managed to stuff all my bags into the tiny suitcase he had brought along, so I wouldn’t have to carry anything. We had just checked out of the hotel with the entire group and I couldn’t wait to get some more sleep. My energy was being drained in no time and I had resorted in only wearing my tank top.  
  
The sun was beaming down on us and I felt like I could collapse at any moment. But the bus was only two more blocks away. I was going to make it; I could stay strong for a couple more minutes until I could slowly die in the air conditioned bus. Jack was walking next to me, but we weren’t holding hands or standing too close to each other. I was way too warm for that. Anybody that came too close only made me want to throw up again.  
  
But my head was starting to feel heavy and the rest of my body felt like floating away. My pace started slowing down and in no time I could feel myself dropping to the floor. I started to brace myself for the impact, but somebody caught me before my body hit the hard concrete floor. They slowly lowered me to the floor and called Jack. All I could do was groan and try my best to keep my consciousness. Stuff was happening around me and I could feel arms wrapping around me before hoisting me up into the arm. I lazily let my head drop against their shoulder, smelling the same smell I recognized from just minutes before.  
  
I really couldn’t deny it anymore. My health was getting way too bad.


	41. Ignoring Leads To Accidents

Jack and I were cuddled up in his bunk. He refused to leave me alone after what happened. Apparently I had actually blacked out. I thought I only nearly fainted before he picked me up and carried me the rest of the way. But in reality I had been out for a minute or so. They even waited a couple more minutes before actually picking me up. I didn’t know any of this happened. Maybe my brain was messing things up again and was trying to mend any empty spaces. I really thought nothing bad had happened, but it obviously had.  
  
Jack was running his fingers through my hair, trying to soothe any discomfort he believed I had. I was back to wearing his sweater, not only to keep me warm, but also to hide away and snuggle into it. It was one of his favourite sweaters, so he wore it a lot. But that only meant that it smelled more like him, and it helped calm me down whenever a wave of nausea hit me. I didn’t want to throw up more than I had in my stomach.  
  
I really had to tell Jack soon about the Leukemia. Thing weren’t going well and he was going to find out himself if I wasn’t going to tell him. He always gave me suspicious looks whenever I limped in pain, I had been getting sudden pains in my knees, or when I suddenly couldn’t breathe properly anymore. It was like he knew what was going on, but was denying it too much to even ask me about it.  
  
I turned around so we were facing each other, and nuzzled my head against his neck. He tightened his grip, so his fingers could draw shapes on my back. Even though it tickled slightly, I still sighed in content and closed my eyes again.  
  
“You’ve still got a pretty bad fever,” Jack muttered and kissed my forehead as if it would make everything better, “how are you feeling?”  
  
“Hungry,” I tried saying, but my voice was a lot weaker than I thought it was.  
  
“Want me to get you anything?” He got ready to let go of me.  
  
“I don’t think I’ll be able to keep it down,” I chuckled sleepily. Since we had arrived at the bus, I had already thrown up three more times. If I hadn’t known this was because of the leukemia, I would have been afraid of having terrible morning sickness. That would have been terrible. I was never going to have kids, or at least not any time soon. Maybe in ten years time I would have, but probably not even then.  
  
“I’ll go see if there’s some crackers,” Jack unwrapped his arms around me and opened the bunk curtain before climbing out and trying not to fall over while standing up. His bunk was one of the closest to the floor. If you lied down in a weird position, making your limbs stiff, it was nearly impossible to get up without falling at least once.  
  
He left the curtain open while going to the front lounge and rummaging through the cupboards, trying to find something for me to eat. I could hear soft talking and discussing going on. The words ‘sick’, ‘ok’, ‘better’, and something that sounded like my name were often used. They were obviously talking about me. Normally I would have notified them that I could hear everything, but I was just too tired; too physically and mentally exhausted.  
  
Jack came back with some plain crackers, a bottle of water, and an apple. He crouched down to put them in the bunk but didn’t get in himself. I thanked him and looked at the items, telling myself I had to finish them. If I wanted to get better I was going to have to set goals for myself, this one being the first.  
  
“I would come join you again,” Jack held onto the bunk above to balance himself, “but I think you should have some time to sleep properly. I’ll make sure I’ll be somewhere in the bus until six, when we have to go in for the meet and greet. The other’s are already going into the venue now.”  
  
I nodded, agreeing that that was a good idea, “can you wake me up before you leave? I still want to be able to sleep at night. And I want to see if I can watch your show.”  
  
“I will, unless you look way too adorable and seem to finally have fallen asleep. And you shouldn’t come to the show, it won’t be good for you.”  
  
“But I want to,” I pouted and gave him puppy dog eyes.  
  
He shook his head and cupped my cheek, running his thumb along my eye, “you shouldn’t do anything you’re not capable of, especially since I don’t want you to faint again.”  
  
“Please,” I begged, “I promise I’ll go back to the bus if I don’t feel well. Please!”  
  
“I don’t think I’ll be able to stop you, will I?”  
  
I shook my head, causing Jack to chortle and give me a quick kiss before wishing me a good night… even though it wasn’t even night yet. After looking at the food for some more time, I tried to eat most of it. I stopped when I had eaten most of the cracker and half of the apple. Putting them aside, I got underneath the cover and closed my eyes, wishing I would feel better when I woke up.  
  
\----  
  
“Hey, baby,” I was slowly being shaken awake by the one I loved, “I have to go inside, now.”  
  
I opened my eyes and focused on his brown eyes, “what time is it?”  
  
“Quarter to six,” Jack checked his phone and put it back in his pocket.  
  
“Ok,” I started getting out of the bunk, “I should probably get up.”  
  
“You can continue to sleep,” Jack moved so I had more space, “you don’t have to get up.”  
  
“No,” I shook my head and pushed myself up so I was standing, Jack following shortly behind me, “I feel a lot better already, and I want to see your show, so I’ll come inside with you.”  
  
“You look a lot better,” he cupped my cheek softly kissed me.  
  
I smiled into the kiss and gave him a quick peck before he could move away, “good. Sleeping has helped a lot. I still don’t feel a hundred percent better, and I will come back here if I realise I feel too bad. But for now I feel fine.”  
  
“Maybe I just tired you out too much last night,” he smirked.  
  
“You wish.”  
  
“Let’s go, before everybody gets mad at me for being late,” he took hold of my hand and walked us out of the bus, “make sure not to overdo yourself.”  
  
Screaming immediately started when we stepped out of the bus. I didn’t know where we were and hadn’t gotten out of the bus yet since we had driven to the next venue as soon as we entered the bus after I had fainted. The fans here were much closer to us than at any other venue. Some of them started freaking out and running towards us.  
  
“Go inside, I’ll be right behind you,” Jack gave me a small push towards the glass door, and I quickly showed my backstage pass and went inside. He had some more trouble getting through the crowd, but eventually also managed to get to the door. The security guard opened it for him and Jack turned to the fans, “I’m sorry guys, but I’m going to be late for the meet and greet.”  
  
He took hold of me again and followed the signs to the dressing room, “do you want to come with me and meet some of the kids?”  
  
“I think I’ll stay here,” I told him and lied, “I don’t want to waste all my energy on that. And they’re here for you, not for me.” In reality I also didn’t want to show up because of all the messages I had been getting. For some reason the fans didn’t like me, and everything I did only made it worse. For example, I had checked my phone and saw some photos of me and Jack at the award show. There were photographers everywhere, and it was bound to happen, but one of them managed to capture me hugging Jack before he wrapped his arms around me. It looked like Jack was fed up and I was, like the fans said, ‘a clingy bitch’.  
  
Jack pouted, but knew it was also for the better, “ok, I’ll try to see you before we go on stage.”  
  
Jack opened the door to their dressing room. The tour manager, Brian, was already there and Zack, Rian and Alex were getting ready to go. They all sighed out in relief when they saw Jack, saying things like they were afraid he was going to be late or that he wasn’t going to show up anymore. Then I appeared, and they were all happy to see that ‘I was still alive’.  
  
I was left all alone in the dressing room, while they went to the place they were going to have a hustler’s club meet and greet. To be honest, I had no idea what they were doing. All Jack had told me was that a group of fans was going to come in and be able to do anything with them; take selfies, ask questions, and get things signed. They did it at a lot of their shows and it often ended up with them getting a lot of gifts.  
  
It was about twenty minutes later, when I felt my phone buzz. I had gotten a text from Jack asking me if I could bring him a bottle of water. So, I frowned and sent his something back about him having other people to do that for him. But he insisted and I knew exactly why he was asking me. He wanted to 'show me off’, like he would say it. I, personally, didn’t think I was something that should be shown off, but he liked doing it. Plus, the fans probably didn’t even like me anyway. So, to make sure he wouldn’t be able to make me come back after one time, I stuffed the pocket of the sweater with a ton of Sharpie pens in different colors. I knew Jack well enough to figure out his plans.  
  
I pulled up the hood of Jack’s sweatshirt so nobody would be able to see my face, which looked very tired and sick, and opened the door to where everybody was. Some people noticed the door opening and me walking in, and watched me, like I had just walked in a classroom in the middle of class. It was very awkward. I found Jack standing in one of the far corners with a lot of girls surrounding him. There was no way I was going to pass them all without getting judgemental and pissed off looks. Everybody here was so excited and jumping around, while I was just hoping to disappear.  
  
Just like I had expected, the teen girls were really annoyed by me, though I still managed to make it through them without getting hurt. Some of those looks really terrified me. I reached Jack and didn’t bother looking at him when I held out the water bottle for him. He accepted it and forced me to look at him by carefully lifting my chin up. Before I could even try to walk away, he leaned down and made our lips meet in a quick kiss. I mumbled something along the lines of ‘you’re welcome’ after he thanked me. The glares just burned holes in my back, and it was really making me uncomfortable, but Jack didn’t seem to notice anything.  
  
I went to walk away, and he let me go, before quickly grabbing onto my wrist and spinning me back. He scratched the back of his head, “I also need another Sharpie, this one’s finished.”  
  
Just like I had said before, I knew Jack. I reached into the pocket and took out the hand full of pens, stuffing them into the hand that originally held my wrist. Jack looked surprised and I raised an eyebrow at him. I outsmarted him, and he wasn’t used to that.  
  
“Oh, umm, thanks,” Jack mumbled and turned to the girls, “now I can sign my name is pink!”  
  
When walking back out I could still feel many stares. One girl even tried to trip me, and with the pain in my knees, I actually almost fell over. I knew they normally were all nice people, but they just didn’t like me. They wanted me away from Jack; they wanted him to break up with me. I just couldn’t mess up anymore, or they would only hate me more. Their comments didn’t get to me, but if they were going to hurt Jack, I was going to be so upset.  
  
And that wasn’t even the worst that happened that day. Later on during the show, it got even worse. I was watching them play Weightless, when Alex suddenly stopped the song. He pointed out at the crowd and opened his mouth.  
  
“Hey, hey, stop,” he told everybody, “help that girl out over there.”  
  
I took a step forward and saw there was a girl in the front row hyperventilating. Her blue hair and zipup hoodie immediately let me recognize her as the girl that tried to trip me. Alex kept telling the security to help her, but nobody moved. They all just stood there watching out over the crowd like it was none of their business. She looked like she was in so much pain and I couldn’t stand it. It was so heartbreaking.  
  
I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I ran out, past Jack, and jumped off stage to the small area between the crowd and the raised black floor the band was playing on. Jack was shouting something; he was telling me to not do it. But I didn’t hear it at the time. All I could focus on was the girl that was obviously having an anxiety attack.  
  
I was weak and had no strength in me, but I still did it. It was such a stupid idea. I helped her over the barricade, the people who were standing around her giving her an extra push. But when she came over the metal, she was too heavy for me. We both toppled over. I knocked my head against the stage and then my forehead slit against something sharp. Blood was pouring over my face from a small cut and my whole head felt heavy and fuzzy. Things started going blurry and the girl wasn’t the only one with laboured breathing anymore.  
  
The last thing I mumbled?  
  
 _“Jack.”_


	42. Stubborn Answers

I was sat on the couch of the tour bus, “you didn’t have to cut the show short because of me.”  
  
Jack looked at me like I had two heads, “you had three fucking seizures, of course we had to stop the show!”  
  
After I had hit my head, Jack had thrown his guitar off and had jumped down himself. To save me from any embarrassment, and because he was really fucking concerned, he brought me backstage while other people tended to the other girl. There I had three seizures, the next one happening just a couple of seconds after the one before. But these seizures were different. They didn’t happen because I forgot to take my medication, but it was all the impact of the hard material hitting my head that made me spaz out.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled while convincing myself I wasn’t dizzy anymore and that the throbbing headache was just make believe.  
  
Alex said something before Jack could continue telling me how stupid it was for me to aid the girl, “at least you helped the girl; she’s fine now.”  
  
At least one of us was ok.  
  
Jack ran his hands through his hair, “I still think we should go to the hospital.”  
  
But I didn’t want to go.  
  
He continued, “Those seizures weren’t the the seizures you normally have. Maybe you have a concussion, maybe you really fucked up your head, I don’t know!”  
  
“I agree with Jack on this one,” Rian nodded, being the more responsible one of the group.  
  
But I shook my head, disagreeing, “I don’t like hospitals.”  
  
“That’s not true,” Jack pointed out and looked at me, “you don’t like doctors, you don’t have any troubles with being in a hospital itself.”  
  
His comment only reminded me of the specialized doctor, Dr. Anderson. I was going to have to see him very often, and I didn’t even like the idea of that. Doctors were just really weird and creepy. They had to inspect your whole body, and I just hated it. The only doctor I liked was Val. She was trustworthy and I actually liked her.  
  
“I don’t like doctors,” I corrected myself and glared at Jack.  
  
Jack sighed and took his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through his contacts before calling someone. He kept eye contact with me while talking the the person on the other side of the line, “Hey… Yeah… No… She hit her head and had three seizures… I know… Really?... Ok… Bye.”  
  
After that there were minutes of silence. My head felt like it was going to either explode or implode any time soon. I would have gotten up and walked away, but I also knew that if I tried I would lose balance and fall over in no time. Jack was right, I had to go to the hospital. But I didn’t want to. I would do anything to not go to the hospital.  
  
Suddenly I heard sirens in the background; sirens that sounded way too familiar. I snapped my head towards Jack, making it feel like somebody was stabbing me right through my skull. He looked right back at me without any emotion, “you are going to the hospital.”  
  
I just glared back at him. He knew I didn’t want to go, but he was still forcing me. Couldn’t he see I was literally terrified of having people I didn’t know care for me. These doctors literally could either end or save my live. Maybe they would change their mind and purposely make me die.  
  
Zack noticed the tension, and tired to make me consider things, “you don’t know what could have gone wrong. Maybe it’s for the-”  
  
“No,” I said bluntly, not taking my eyes of Jack, who still didn’t seem to crack. I could see it was getting hard for him to not give in and let me have my way, so I want going to keep it up for longer. But there wasn’t enough time. The sirens were already outside the bus and I could see the flashing lights through the windows. I did not want to go.  
  
But Jack had already gone to open the door. The paramedics came in and I looked up to see… Val? What was she doing here? She was supposed to be in Baltimore, were we that close? No, that couldn’t be, the tour was going further east again. What was going on! I had no clue where we even were, and now Val was here! This wasn’t good for my brain, not good at all.  
  
“Will you go now?” Jack asked and pointed at Val. I nodded, but stayed seated. There was no way I was going to stand up without falling over.  
  
Val raised an eyebrow, “you going to come, Ireland?”  
  
I nodded again, but still didn’t move. Jack went up to me, “you can’t walk, can you?”  
  
This time I shook my head, so Jack put one arm underneath my knees and the other one around me to support my back. He carried me outside, Val following us. I could hear the murmuring of fans who were still trying to see if they could meet the band. They were all a couple of feet away from us, giving the ambulance enough space, but I could just feel all the hate I was going to get, and it wasn’t pretty.  
  
Jack put me down on the stretcher/bed thing and sat down on the side himself. If Val hadn’t been here, he probably wouldn’t have even been allowed to drive with me. For some reason paramedics never liked it when other people were there as well. I understood it if the patients was in critical condition and they had to do things to keep the patient alive. But in circumstances like this, it wouldn’t make a difference.  
  
Val hopped in as well and closed the doors before turning to tell the driver we were ready to go. Just seconds later we were on the road with the sirens off. It was really awkward having two people looks at me while I was lying down.  
  
“So, do you want to tell me what happened?” Val looked between me and Jack.  
  
I nodded and rolled my head so I was looking at her, “I’m sick, but I slept for quite a while and felt better. I wanted to see the show, so that’s what I did. All was going well, then there was this girl that needed help. Nobody was doing anything, so I went. The only problem was that because I was sick, I had no strength. Her weight was too much for me to hold, so we both fell back. I hit the back of my head against the stage and then hit my forehead against something sharp, which is why I have a cut on my forehead. I don’t want to talk about it anymore now. I’ll tell you anything else when we are at the hospital and alone.”  
  
She gave me look before briefly looking at Jack and back at me again. I knew exactly what she was asking me; she was asking whether Jack knew about the leukemia or not. So, I shook my head. There was another reason why I didn't want to go to the hospital. I would have to tell them about the leukemia, and Jack would find out like that. There was no way I was going to allow that to happen. He would be devastated and get mad at me for not telling him.  
  
We stayed quiet for the rest of the ride. Jack was holding my hand, letting me know that he wasn’t actually mad at me for nearly killing myself on accident. He was just always so worried about me, and I understood. I could only imagine what he would be like when he knew I had leukemia.  
  
Val rolled me to the place she was going to inspect me at, and she sent Jack to the waiting room. Jack was going to argue, but I told him I was going to be ok with Val. I was really lucky. Val came here for a surgery she had to help with the next day. Jack only called her to see what to do, and she told him to take me to the hospital. When they found out we were in the same town, Val suggested she came. Just like Jack, she knew I hated other people doing tests on me.  
  
“So, you haven’t told Jack, have you?” Val shook her head and sat down on the stool with wheels.  
  
I actually felt ashamed, “no… I know I should… but I either chicken out or something interrupts us.”  
  
“Do you want me to help you tell him?” She got a tablet out the record everything on.  
  
“No, I should do it myself.”  
  
“Promise me you will?”  
  
I nodded. But was I actually going to do it? Yes, I was going to have to, but when? And how would I do it without him getting mad and upset? It was my own personal dilemma. All I could think about were the things that could go wrong, not the things that could go right. But there wasn’t anything that could go right! It was just going to be a disaster! Maybe I could keep it hidden from him a bit longer.  
  
Val finished off and was ready to let me go, “so remember, you are going to start chemo as soon as you get back. Things really aren’t going well and this has to be tackled as soon as possible.”  
  
“Yeah, even though I really don’t want to see Dr. Anderson, I will do it,” I said bye to Val and found my way to the waiting room, where Jack was waiting for me.  
  
I turned the corner and saw him impatiently bouncing his leg up and down while looking around. Now was the time I was going to have to tell him. I was able to walk properly again, so I went straight for him and stood in front of him. He looked so relieved when he saw me, like all the worry in him just disappeared. Maybe I couldn’t do this. The way he stood up and hugged me made me rethink my decision. I was not going to tell him anymore.  
  
“I thought something bad happened,” he sighed and kissed me, “please don’t ever do something like that again.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled for the second time that day.  
  
“Don’t be,” he let go of me, “is everything ok?”  
  
I shrugged, “I have a mild concussion, the cut will heal over time, and Val confirmed that I have the flu, so I’m sorry if I get anybody else on the bus sick. That’s about it.”  
  
“Thank god. I really was scared.”  
  
“I’m fine, don’t worry.”  
  
Back then I really thought that I had made the right decision…


	43. Confidential and Suspicious

Everybody had collected in the dressing room in the pretty big venue before they had to go off to do soundcheck. Jack and I had just stayed on the bus and explored the venue, while the others went off to look at the city we were in. I was still under the weather, so Jack suggested we wouldn’t do too much. He didn’t want things to get worse and only wanted the best for me. But I, on the other hand, felt pretty guilty and ashamed. I came here to have fun with Jack, but all he was doing was taking care of me. And that was also the reason why I was once again sitting on his lap, his arms wrapped tightly around me.  
  
We were having a random conversation about food when the phone in my backpocket started ringing and buzzing. Without looking at the caller ID, I answered straight away. There was nobody who would call me, but Cam. Even my mom and dad texted me.  
  
“What up, asshole?” I smirked and leaned back into Jack.  
  
“No time for insults, I have exciting news,” Cam sounded like her was either freaking out or jumping around with happiness… it was probably both…  
  
“Exciting news? I don’t think I want to know this. Last time you had exciting news, you told me you wrote a song about spaghetti,” I told him and heard Jack chuckle, his breath tickling my neck.  
  
“No, really, it’s exciting,” he was running around somewhere and I heard him walk into something, “ouch! Fuck! Stubbed my toe on the table! It hurts so much! Agggghh.”  
  
“Well don’t fucking stub your toe on a table then.”  
  
“Ok, I’m fine. The news, you can’t tell anyone,” he spoke really fast, “so, so, so…. So, you know, we started the band again, right? Well, yes, so, so, Equal Vision Reached out to us, and then wanted to sign us, so, we said yes. And now we are going to LA for a while and live there to record an album.”  
  
“Well, that’s great!” I felt genuinely happy for my brother, he had wanted this since he was a child.  
  
“Yes, but,” he slowed down, “it does mean I will move out… and I don’t know what you want to do.”  
  
“Well, when are you leaving?”  
  
“In 2 months, we will turn our last EP into a full length album.”  
  
“Ok, then I have enough time. I’ll figure something out,” I already started thinking of options.  
  
“Let me know if you find anything,” Cam sounded composed again, “I have to go now, though, we are playing a show here in a couple of weeks and we aren’t prepared yet.”  
  
“Ooh, can I tell them about that?” I asked hopefully.  
  
“Sure, but I’m stepping in the car now. Bye, Field.”  
  
“Bye.”  
  
We both hung up and I put my phone on the end table. Everybody in the room looked at me expectantly, like I was obliged to tell them. I looked around at them and chuckled nervously, “what?”  
  
“What’s the exciting news?” Jack asked me and rested his chin on my shoulder, making sure he wasn’t pressing down too hard, so it wouldn’t hurt.  
  
“I can’t tell you, it’s confidential,” I giggled at his pout as soon as he heard that he wasn’t allowed to know, “But long story short, I have to find a new place to live in. Maybe I could move back in with my parents, since I’m still broke as fuck.”  
  
“Maybe,” Jack dragged out the word for a bit, “you could move in with me.”  
  
Ok, so that caught me off guard for a bit. After finding out our relationship had been moving so fast, I had sworn to myself to slow down and take things easy for a bit. But now he suggested this; he actually wanted me to move in with him, and he said it so easily, he had probably already thought about it for a while. And strangely enough, I wasn’t against it at all. Maybe it would even be fun, but I’d first have to tell him about all the health problems…  
  
I shrugged, “I don’t know.”  
  
“Why not?” Alex added, “you’d get to wake up to his beautiful face everyday, and you’ll have time for a lot more sex.”  
  
“But do I want that?” I winked.  
  
“You basically already spend half of the time I’m home at my house, the other half we spend at yours. So why not?” Jack tried convincing me.  
  
“Well, do you mind having a cat in your house?” I asked seriously.  
  
He laughed sharply, “a cat?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Why would there be a cat?”  
  
I got my phone again and opened my photos, “because I got a cat.”  
  
He took hold of my phone and inspected the picture, “why the fuck would you get a cat!?”  
  
“Technically, I didn’t get it, but Cam got it for me  
  
“Well, why the fuck would he get you a cat!”  
  
I thought back to the mess I was after I thought Jack had lied to me, “that doesn’t matter…”  
  
“Does it have anything to do with me almost messing up our relationship?” Jack gave me my phone back.  
  
“No…” I said guiltily.  
  
“Well, I guess it’s sort of my fault, then.”  
  
“She’s very cute, though,” I waved the phone in front of his face so he could see nothing but the fluffy animal on it, “her name’s Taco, and she sleeps the entire day, except when she doesn’t.”  
  
Rian burst out with laughter, “who calls a cat Taco?”  
  
I frowned, “my brother and I got a bit drunk and I thought it was funny because ‘Taco cat’ is a palindrome.”  
  
“A what?” Jack looked like a confused kid.  
  
“A palindrome, you know, like ‘Dammit, I’m mad’, or ‘Tod erases a red dot’.”  
  
“A what?” He repeated.  
  
“Boob spelled backwards is boob, it’s the same with Taco cat.”  
  
“Oooh.”  
  
If you ever needed to explain something to Jack, explain it using the female anatomy, he will understand it in no time.  
  
\----  
  
The guys had played another amazing show, but decided they actually wanted to celebrate it properly this time. Sure, they had a couple of drinks in the bus or at a bar after a show, but this time they actually want to go to a club and party; you know, the normal stuff. I was completely fine with the idea, but I wasn’t going to go along with them. Still feeling like complete and utter shit, I decided it was best not to go out partying and drinking. And yes, I trusted Jack enough to be there with his friends and tonnes of girls around him. If he managed to stay away from girls while he wasn’t even sure if we were actually still together, then he would also be able to do it now.  
  
Jack took his phone off the charger and put it in the pocket before heading to the door with Rian and Alex. Just before he got off the bus, he pointed at me, “you trust me, right?”  
  
“Yes, Jack,” I rolled my eyes, he had been talking about it for ages.  
  
“Are you sure you trust me?” He squinted at me like he didn’t believe me.  
  
Alex laughed his famous giggle, “I don’t think you should trust him if he asks you that often.”  
  
“Jack,” I sighed, “I trust you. And I will know if you cheat on me, so don’t worry about having to lie to me.”  
  
“Now I’m scared,” Jack contemplated whether or not to leave, but he eventually did after I went up to him and literally pushed him out of the bus. I was not going to be the one that stopped him from having any fun.  
  
He turned around one last time and pointed at me, “are you going to be ok?”  
  
“I’m also staying here,” Zack popped up out of nowhere, “I want to wake up early so I still have some time to work out. If anything happens to her, she won’t be alone.”  
  
Jack continued to just stand there and not leave. Of course he was concerned, but he also needed some time for himself. Not to say that I thought he was being clingy again, because I really did like him around me, but I just felt like I was ruining this all for him. Normally he would go out and party whenever he wanted, and now he just stayed with me; if I hadn’t been there for the award show, he would have totally gone to that after party and had fun. Sure, we had fun together as well, but it was different. I had already changed the whole manwhore thing about him, but I didn’t want to change the rest of him as well.  
  
“Just leave already,” I told him, “I’ll be fine.”  
  
Alex dragged him away and Rian soon followed. I watched Jack turn his head to look at me a couple more times, before I closed the bus door and turned to Zack. We just looked at each other without saying anything. It was so weird to think I had a past with this guy, but couldn’t remember most of it. Sure, I knew we both got ditched at prom and left, but I didn’t remember any details-  
  
“Do you want to watch a movie?” Zack suggested and pointed to the back lounge where we could more comfortably.  
  
“Umm, yeah, sure…” I followed and let him choose whatever he wanted to watch.  
  
Did Zack and I ever, you know, do anything together? Like, there was something off and I really wanted to know what it was, but my brain just wasn’t letting me access it! But then again, my mom did say she didn’t recognize him, so he couldn’t be a past boyfriend… unless I hid him… No. I wouldn’t do that, right?  
  
“Hey, you ok?” Zack looked at me and was ready to help me if needed.  
  
“Yes,” I put my feet on his lap and got more comfortable, “just thinking.”  
  
“About what?”  
  
“Nothing, really.”  
  
Zack nodded and continued watching the movie again. But, once again, I couldn’t do the same. All these thoughts were swimming around in my head and I didn’t know if any of them could be right. So, what I did next might have been the wrong decision, but I did it nonetheless.  
  
I looked at him, “you were my first kiss, weren’t you?”  
  
His head snapped towards me and his eyes were wide, “what?”  
  
“Well, I don’t really remember everything, but I remember telling you I never had my first kiss, and then later us leaning in.”  
  
“Umm… uh… I- I… Maybe.”  
  
“You certainly were,” I nudged.  
  
“Ok, yes, but you can’t tell Jack,” Zack made me promise.  
  
“Oh come on, he can-”  
  
“Not tell Jack what?” Jack stood in the doorway looking in between us.


	44. Confused Confessions and Love

“Not tell Jack what?” Jack stood in the doorway looking in between us.  
  
Zack looked like a deer caught in headlights, his eyes were wide and his body was frozen, “nothing. What are you doing here, anyways?”  
  
“Oh, come on,” I rolled my eyes and took my legs from his lap, knowing is was now making him very uncomfortable, “why can’t he know?”  
  
“Why can’t I know what?” Jack urged, his patience already wearing thin. He took a step closer to me and Jack and he looked pretty terrifying.  
  
I sighed and wanted to tell him, there was no reason for him to not know, “well, I just remembered-”  
  
Zack reached over and slapped his hand over my mouth before I could say anything. This was all really weird. Everything I remembered, I made sure to tell Jack; he basically knew me as well as I knew myself. And the move Zack made totally wasn’t the right move, because, boy, did Jack look mad. This was only going to turn into a very messy situation if things were going to keep going like this.  
  
“Dude, get off of her!” Jack grabbed Zack’s arm and pulled it away from me. He was prepared to fight the much buffer and muscled guy, even though there was no way he was going to win. And to be honest, I did not like the idea of it at all, nor the idea of these guys fighting over me - in a different way than most girls were fought over, but still.  
  
I grabbed the throw blanket that was next to me, and hid underneath it. After pulling it over my head, I made sure to fold my limbs so they were tucked away. I was basically a living blanket, just like when I was much younger. It was the thing I always did as a child when I just wanted to disappear and stop whatever was going on around me.  
  
“What the fuck?” Jack tried to stay serious, but couldn’t help but chuckle at what I was doing.  
  
“Nope,” I shouted and shook my head, even though all I could see was black. Oxygen was running out pretty quickly, and I could see faint shapes of where things were. It probably looked really weird from the outside, but I felt good in here.  
  
When nobody was talking and moving anymore - I assumed they were just staring at me - I quickly poked my head out, “Zack was my first kiss!” I hid again before shit was going to go down.  
  
“What!” Jack said a lot louder than he probably intended to, “oh my god. No fucking way!”  
  
Zack just awkwardly cleared his throat and shifted his position while Jack continued, “I remember you wouldn’t shut up about a girl, who you gave her her first kiss to! That was her! And you didn’t think to tell me at all? She’s been here for a couple of days, it must have occurred to you at least once! You guys are way too close to each other! I don’t like it.”  
  
Jack didn’t seem too mad, but I didn’t like this. They were best friends, I didn’t want them to fight, especially about me. Sure, Zack could have told Jack, but was it really that important? I mean, I didn’t remember until a couple of minutes ago, so it didn’t really have any significance. And Jack didn't have to be so defensive; I wasn’t going to leave him, so why would he freak out so much?  
  
“Jack!” I threw the blanket off me, getting his attention, “It seriously doesn’t matter-”  
  
Jack interrupted me, “doesn’t matter? Doesn’t matter! Of course it matters!”  
  
I raised an eyebrow at him, causing him to suddenly realise he was shouting at me, “let me finish. I don’t remember a thing about kissing him; I remember stuff up to it, but that’s all. For all I know, you are my first real kiss, and, boy, do I remember everything about that. And, anyway, it’s not like I fucked him, or something.”  
  
This was probably all so awkward for Zack. He was just sitting there, being quiet and watching things unfold. I didn’t know if he wanted to stay or leave, but he probably felt pretty uncomfortable. But what Jack said afterwards, most likely made everything a whole lot worse.  
  
“Do you want to fuck him?” Jack asked me with a hint of worry in his voice.  
  
Ok, what the fuck. Why would Jack even think that. Of course I didn’t want to sleep with Zack; I wouldn’t want to sleep with anybody but Jack. Was he really that afraid of losing me? Or was he just assuming things way too easily? Jack just needed to calm down and trust me, I obviously trusted him.  
  
“No!” I said without hesitation, “you know that.”  
  
“Do I?” Now it was Jack’s turn to raise his eyebrows up at me. He was actually wondering what I meant and he wasn’t that mad anymore.  
  
“Yes…” I looked around, not wanting to talk about this. I honestly thought he knew, “can I have the blanket to hide again?”  
  
“Ok, I’m going to go,” Zack stood up and started walking out, “I feel like you guys need to talk for a bit.” He pressed the button to close the sliding door after he had stepped into the bunk area.  
  
I looked up at Jack through my eyelashes. Wasn’t he just able to figure it out? Wasn’t it obvious? I thought it was; at least he could have figured it out. But I really thought I had told him… hadn’t I? Well, it was something I had been denying for a bit, except when I thought about it for the first time…  
  
“Well?” Jack sat down next to me and waited for an answer.  
  
“I’m pretty sure I told you,” I nodded, hoping he would just act like he knew and leave it be.  
  
“If you would have told me, I would know what you were talking about.”  
  
“Ok, fine,” I sighed and fumbled with my fingers, “it’s just- I don’t know…”  
  
He held one of my hands and ran his thumb over my knuckles, “you don’t know what?”  
  
“I don’t know how to say it without confusing you. You probably already sort of know, though…”  
  
“So, just tell me and I will ask questions after you are finished, if I’m confused,” he encouraged and gave me a smile.  
  
“Ok, so, umm,” I thought of the right words, confessing this to him would also be confessing it to myself, “I don’t know how to say it…. Well, I always said that I would forever stay single, which I obviously am not anymore,” I chuckled, “and I always said that my reasoning was because I just didn’t really care, but I think I know the reason now; the reason why I also never really considered liking you before the whole thing went down,” I looked up at Jack to see if he was still listening, and he definitely was, “so, I think it’s because I just don’t like other people that way. Like, you are able to look at other girls and think ‘oh, she’s hot, I would bang her’, but I just don’t think stuff like that. I guess that- yeah… I don’t think I’m asexual, but I’m definitely not like you.”  
  
After I finished I inspected Jack’s face. He was frowning slightly while trying to process what I was saying and what to make out of it. His eyes dashed around the room until they finally rested back on me. We made eye contact for a while, and I was afraid he wasn’t going to say anything anymore. After licking his lips, he finally opened his mouth.  
  
“So, I think I get it,” he nodded and thought for a bit longer, “but does this mean you don’t actually have feelings for me, or don’t actually feel attracted to me. Because if that is true, I’d like to know now, I’ll understand.”  
  
I shook my head and grinned at him, “that’s what’s even more confusing about it. Because I truly do love you, and not in the same way I love my brother or parents, but the relationship love way. And yes, I am definitely attracted to you. Without that I wouldn’t have let you take my virginity.”  
  
“Ok, and you don’t ever think another person is attractive, other than me…?”  
  
“Sure, I might think ‘hey, that guy is pretty good looking, but I wouldn’t think ‘oh my god, look at him. He’s so hot! Woah. He must notice me’. So, that’s why you shouldn’t worry about me being around other guys. They might think stuff like that about me, but I don’t think that about them,” I elaborated.  
  
“Ok, that makes sense,” Jack showed understanding, “can I ask you one more question? and then I really want to kiss you.”  
  
I nodded and laughed and Jack’s straightforwardness. At least he didn’t suddenly not like me anymore. I wasn’t any different than what I was before I actually said it out loud. This was pretty big for me to realise and actually have Jack with me while I accepted it.  
  
“Since when have you felt this way?” He sat up straighter and put his leg over the other in figure four.  
  
I shrugged, “before I met you, I considered it, but I just sort of ignored it… until now…”  
  
“Now as in literally now?”  
  
“You said one more question,” I cupped both his cheeks, “but yes.”  
  
I closed the space between us, so our lips were lightly touching. This kiss was for me to reassure Jack that I did love him with all my heart. I wasn’t going to show it through passion, rather more through being careful and gentle. This new fact about me was new for both of us, but I wanted things between us to stay the same, except maybe a bit more trust from Jack’s side.  
  
Jack shuffled closer and pulled me towards him by hooking his arm around my waist. He felt exactly the same way as I did. We were going to get through this. There were so many stories about people breaking up for these reasons.  
  
But, Jack and I were strong.


	45. Death Surrounds Me

That night, Alex and Rian came home pretty buzzed. I wouldn’t say they were drunk, but they definitely weren’t sober. They didn’t know Jack had left, but assumed that he would find his way back after they couldn’t find him in the crowded club. I found out why Jack overreacted - well, more like I thought I knew why, he didn’t say it himself. He decided to go back early after too many girls kept trying to get with him. Even though he always turned them down, they still kept throwing themselves at him, so he just decided to call it quits and leave. It was probably why he freak out so much about me not being loyal, because he was.  
  
I was so happy that Jack didn’t feel any different about me, if anything he was more loving that before (which was possible, believe it or not). He couldn’t keep his hands off me and kept telling me how much he loved me. There were a lot of neck kisses and hugs from behind. It was like he was afraid to lose me, yet there was nothing he could lose me to… other than death…  
  
Jack and I were the last two to go to bed. We made sure to be very quiet so we wouldn’t wake anybody up, and luckily the bunk was a bottom bunk, so we didn’t stand on any unexpecting hands. Jack actually decided to wear a shirt this time, it was plain and white, but looked very comfortable. I just put on my normal pajamas, but not without catching Jack staring at me. He got in the bunk after I hit his chest and rolled my eyes. I joined him and lied half on top of him, one of my legs over his, my arm draped over his chest and my head resting just underneath his chin.  
  
He wrapped an arm around me to keep me close and kissed the top of my head, “goodnight. I love you.”  
  
“I love you too,” I looked up to I could place a kiss on his jawline, and snuggled back into his chest.  
  
\----  
  
 _I was in a weird room. Everything was white and sterile. There were weird bandages all over my arms, like they had been poking me to find a vein. The atmosphere was nauseating and pressurizing. I did not feel safe here. After my eyes got used to the blinding light, I saw Cam sitting at the end of the bed. Relief washed over me and I quickly sat up, calling out his name. But he didn’t move. He kept staring at the floor to the left of him, away from me._  
  
Was something wrong? Did something happen? Was he ok? Was I ok?  
  
“Cam?” I asked again, but still didn’t get any response. I got out from underneath the covers and crawled over the bed to him, “Cam?” I shook him slightly, but his body only limply moved along.  
  
I kept trying and trying, but nothing worked! I was panicking and I just wanted my brother to answer me and tell me what was going on! This wasn’t right! This couldn’t be real… but it was!  
  
I gave up and was about to start crying, but held it back when he slowly turned around to face me. Nearly cheering out in glee, I took a look at his face, and the tears started falling. He had bruises everywhere, cuts were scattered across his skin and blood was pouring out everywhere. Some of his limbs looked like they were at painfully weird angles.  
  
I dared to ask, “w-what happened to you?”  
  
“We are all dying,” he sounded unemotional and the speech sounded rehearsed.  
  
“What?”  
  
“We are all dying,” he repeated, the last bit of life leaving his eyes. Before I could ask anything else, he coughed up blood and collapsed backwards. I screamed out. His eyes were empty and glossy, his skin gray, and his body enervated. He couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t be dead! I shook his body, hoping he was just joking with me, but he wasn’t breathing, nor was there a heartbeat.  
  
I ran out of the room. There had to be a doctor around here somewhere; this place looked exactly like a hospital. The hallways had the same bland color, the door looked the same, even the chair were exactly like the ones in the hospital at home. But there was nobody. Not even in any of the other rooms. It was deserted. Everything was neat and clean, but also abandoned. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore.  
  
I was running through never ending random hallways, crying my heart out. Cam was gone; my brother, my best friend, the one always beside me was gone. There was no way to explain how I felt, other than as messed up at these corridors that were laid out like a maze. No way out, no way for somebody to find me. I was no longer running to find someone, but running just because I had to. I couldn’t stop, something was pushing me.  
  
When I finally saw two figures in the distance, I sped up as much as I could. They were sitting next to each other in the seats that were organized in one row against the wall. I zoomed past the empty chairs, and the closer I got the more I seemed to recognize them. But it was only when I was stood in front of them and they looked up at me, did I realize that they were my parents.  
  
Their hair was thinning and had fully turned gray. The skin that use to have a few wrinkles was now loose and folded in many places. Their eyes looked just like Cam’s: dead and hopeless. But what made it look worse were the deep dark bags underneath their eyes, contrasting with the plane thin skin.  
  
They started chanting at the same type in the same voice my brother had used, “we are all dying.”  
  
Their eyes were burning into me and a terrible feeling washed over me. I knew what was about to happen, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t look away. Their skin melted off, leaving only a skeleton behind. The force kept making me watch to horrifying scene. I wanted to run, but I was forced to see everything unfold. As soon as their skin was gone, their bones fell apart, collecting on a pile at my feet.  
  
My whole body was shaking and I ran as soon as I had control again. But this time my journey was shorter. The one person I really wanted to see, yet at the same time didn’t want to see, was standing right there. His back was towards me and he was looking out through a window that covered an entire wall. I was afraid to go up to him. I didn’t want to see him die, just like everybody else I loved.  
  
But the weird presence made me walk the couple of steps to him. I tried closing my eyes, but I couldn’t; I couldn’t even blink. Alleviation spread through my body when I saw him unharmed.  
  
“Jack!” I exclaimed, causing him to turn and look at me, “thank god you’re ok!”  
  
“What’s wrong?” He took hold of both my hands and gave a concerned look.  
  
“I-I woke up and Cam was there. He coughed up blood and died right in front my eyes. S-so I ran away, trying to find someone, but nobody was there. I found my parents, but they somehow dissolved into a pile of bones. And I-I don’t know what’s going on!”  
  
He stared at me blankly and didn’t say anything for a while, until the recognizable tone that my family also used came out of his mouth, “they’re all dead.”  
  
I tried to break away from him, but his grip was too tight. There was no way I could get his fingers to loosen. My heart started beating faster and I was ready for him to drop dead right in front of me, just like the others. But nothing happened. He let go of one of my hands and pulled me to the window, “isn’t it beautiful?”  
  
There were weird tangled highways, and small twinkling lights sparkling everywhere. But there was also a lot of nature in between the dark black asphalt structures. Birds were flying from tree to tree and other animals were scurrying on the floor. It was pretty abstract, yet so amazing. In the distance were gray mountains with fluffy snow resting on their summits. This was wonderland.  
  
I was about to nod, but I was stopped by my reflection in the glass. My skin was yellow and my eyes were sunken. But I felt ok. What was going on?  
  
“They’re all dead,” Jack turned to me, “but you’re not.”  
  
“W-what do you mean?” The look in his eyes was scaring me, making my bones rattle and my stomach feel uneasy.  
  
“It’s time for you to go as well,” before I could even ask once more, he spun us around so my back was towards the glass. He had a tight grip on my shoulders and was shuffling us until the cool material tickled my back and neck. I leaned further back, trying to get away from him, but it wasn’t possible. He pushed me backwards with an impossible force, grinning as I smashed through the glass, sharp shards flying around me.  
  
\----  
  
I woke up, clutching Jack’s t-shirt tightly. I wanted to scream, to scream as loud as I could. But I couldn’t. It was all just a dream; it wasn’t real. Nobody died, nobody was dying, and Jack did not try to kill me. We were in the bunk sleeping. Nothing was going on. Everything was fine.  
  
I brought a shaky hand up to my face to dry my tears. Jack was still sleeping tightly, he breathing nice and even. My cheeks were wet and there was this weird pain between my eyes. It wasn’t really pain… it was more like pressure… Wait.  
  
Getting out of our embrace, I ripped the curtain open and rushed to the bathroom. Blood immediately rushed out of my nose and fell into the sink I had just reach. The hand I held to my face before was full of blood as well. This was almost as bad as the first time. Oh god, oh god, oh god. There was nothing around to clean myself up and I had to try and stop the blood flow with my hands, but it wasn’t working.  
  
“Ireland?” Jack called out from the bunks, “are you ok?”  
  
“Dude, shut up,” a sleepy voice from one of the closed bunks groaned.  
  
I didn’t want Jack to see. But there was nothing I could do. If I wanted to try and close the door, I would get blood all over it, which wasn’t a good idea. There wasn’t even a towel here that I could use to clean up the blood. The tears started slowly rolling down my cheeks again when I realised I was screwed.  
  
“Ireland?” Jack shouted once again, earning some more moans from the bunks. I heard footsteps hurry over to where I was and I looked to my right to see Jack standing there. He took in the scene, “oh, shit!”  
  
I let him take one of my hands, the blood flowing out from my nose freely again. Now I was no longer the only one full of blood. What was once a nice white t-shirt, was now covered in blood smears from Jack’s own hand. He ran to the front of the bus, trying his best to find anything that could help me.  
  
Only seconds later he started back, “you’re going to have to take my shirt.”  
  
“Dude, seriously, what the fuck?” A bunk curtain opened, “Why are you covered in blood!”  
  
“Rian, go back to sleep!” Jack appeared and took off his pure white t-shirt. He held it out for me and I took it, even though I felt guilty for ruining it. I quickly put it to my face, letting the fabric soak up the red liquid.  
  
The tears that were running down my face turned into whimpers and quiet crying, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”  
  
Suddenly there was another person standing behind Jack. He looked inside and made eye contact with me, “what’s going on here?”  
  
“Alex,” Jack sighed, “I don’t think she needs more people around her.”  
  
“Ok, fine,” Alex retreated back to his bunk, leaving Jack and I all alone again.  
  
Jack slowly took steps towards me, “will you tell me what’s wrong?”  
  
I couldn’t take it anymore. All my feelings came out at once; I was sad, angry, embarrassed, distressed, but most of all, terrified. I knew exactly what my dream was about: I was ready to leave my brother and parents behind, but I wasn’t ready to leave Jack. All these thoughts and feeling swirled around in my head. It all turned into me collapsing and sobbing. I just couldn’t do this anymore.  
  
This was the first time I broke down completely in front of Jack. He had seen me scream because of a headache before, he was with me for countless of seizures, but I had never cried like this in front of him… had I ever actually cried in front of him?  
  
He suddenly picked me and and brought me to the back lounge, making sure to close the door so nobody could disturb us, as well as us not keeping up the others. After he laid me down on the couch, he got down beside me and wrapped his arms around me, so I could cry into his naked chest. I felt so stupid. If I had just told him before I could have avoided this.  
  
“I think I already know what’s wrong,” he whispered and kissed my forehead, “but I want you to tell me.”  
  
I nodded, he deserved to know and hear me say it. Before I talked, I moved the shirt so it was only covering my nose slightly, the bleeding had nearly stopped, “I-I-I-I.”  
  
“Take a deep breath, calm down first,” he stroked my hair soothingly.  
  
“T-the day after A-Abagail came to t-talk to me, I-I got a c-call from the ho-hospital. They w-wanted to see me as s-soon as possible. The d-doctor told me I h-have leukemia.”  
  
Jack’s grip got tighter as soon as I said ‘leukemia’. Nobody ever wanted to hear that the person they loved was going to slowly die. But I wasn’t done yet, so I continued, “it’s w-worse than they f-first thought. It’s l-like when I w-was six years old, b-but I don’t know if I’ll s-survive it.”  
  
Jack’s voice cracked, “you had it when you were six years old?”  
  
I nodded and held onto him tighter, I didn’t want him to get mad at me and leave, “it’s why I had short hair.”  
  
“Oh, I thought that was because you wanted to make a fashion statement.”  
  
That made me giggle. He still knew how to make me laugh in situations like this. And I loved him so much for it. He was basically the only reason why I was still holding on… literally…  
  
“I love you so much,” Jack pressed his forehead against mine, “and we’re going to get through this together. But I need to ask you why you didn’t tell me.”  
  
“I wanted to,” I mumbled, “but I either got interrupted, there were too many other people around, or I just chickened out.”  
  
“Mmm, ok,” Jack seemed to accept my answer and closed his eyes, me closing mine only a second or so later.  
  
“I’m so sorry.”


	46. Breakdowns, Fans, and Secrets

_Bang. Bang. Bang_. There was a loud knocking on the door. Jack and I had fallen asleep in the back lounge after the whole thing. We talked a bit more about the whole thing, mentioning that I was to start chemotherapy as soon as I got back home, how bad everything was, and all the side effects. Jack was fully supportive, and I was so surprised he didn’t get mad at me. I had expected him to blow up and get mad at me for keeping it from him. But, no. He was probably too shocked to do any of that. Maybe he would get mad at me later when he processed everything. But for now he was still very concerned and was protecting me from things that were inevitable.  
  
“Guys, you better be fully clothed in there!” Alex shouted through the door and knocked a couple more times.  
  
I didn’t want to move and let go of Jack just yet, so I faked that I was still sleeping. Not moving and keeping my eyes closed, I made sure that my breathing stay slow and steady. I didn’t even snuggle closer to him, which I really wanted to do, to make it more believable. Without him holding me, I knew I would feel cold and empty. Jack, however, woke up. I could feel him move and look at me. He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed me temple carefully, trying not to wake me up.  
  
The door opened and Alex walked in, “oh, is everything ok in here?” He seemed pretty surprised to see that Jack and I hadn’t even had to make an attempt to put our clothes back on.  
  
Jack only hummed in response and continued to play with my hair. I could just feel that he was upset. His breath was getting more uneven by the second, like he was trying his best to hold back tears. But I still didn’t do anything but lie still; he needed to let it out, and I knew that he would try to act strong if I woke up. He wanted to be strong for me. Eventually, I fell water drop down on my cheek. Jack was definitely tearing up.  
  
“Hey, dude, are you ok?” Alex took a couple steps closer to us.  
  
“Yeah,” Jack’s voice cracked and I felt my heart break into two. This was my fault.  
  
“I know you’re not ok,” Alex told him, “but I’ll leave you be for now. You seem to want to be alone…”  
  
Jack didn’t reply but Alex still left. I couldn’t take it anymore. He was shaking badly and I knew how hard he was trying to hold it back. I could not just leave him be right now… It would be the wrong thing to do. I let out a small groan, so he knew I was awake, before I wrapped my arms tightly around his tense body.  
  
He wiped away the tears, “I’m sorry…”  
  
“Don’t be,” I helped him lie down beside me properly again and let my hands travel up to his hair. I tangled my fingers in the flat hair and let his head rest on my shoulder, “it’s ok.”  
  
I let Jack cry in the crook of my neck. In the past couple of hours we had both shown a completely different side of ourselves. We had both never cried around each other, and now, in one go, we both nearly had full blown mental breakdowns. It was weird how our relationship worked, but we needed this. Bottling everything up would only make the end result worse, just like I knew. It had only been a while and we were already crying like this, I could only imagine how bad it would have been if we would have kept it in.  
  
Knowing how bad the doors could block sound, I knew the rest of the band could probably hear Jack crying his heart out. Seeing and hearing Jack like this was heartbreaking. I felt like I could cry as well, but now it was my turn to be strong. He was there for me during the night, now it was going to be there for him. But what made this whole situation weird was the fact that he was crying about me, while I was also the one comforting him.  
  
“I- I don’t want you to leave me,” Jack sobbed and hiccupped for air, “p-please don’t l-leave me.”  
  
“I don’t want to leave you,” I whispered and pulled him closer, hoping he would realise, “I will do anything to make sure I don’t have to leave you.”  
  
We stayed like that for a while. Jack kept begging me to not leave and I kept assuring him I wasn’t going to. But I didn’t know that. Things could always go completely wrong. Maybe I still had years, but it was also possible I only had days. I didn’t know how things were going to go, but I was determined to stay alive. It was not my time to leave yet.  
  
After Jack finally quiet down, I kissed him softly. His cheeks were still wet and his eyes were red. Jack was always the one to be goofy, but now he showed a whole different side. But it didn’t make me think any different of him, if anything it only made me love him even more. He was still my goofball, but I felt like I knew him even better now. This was only going to make us stronger.  
  
“Do you maybe want to go out and get some coffee or something?” I asked him after I wiped away his tears.  
  
He nodded and took a deep breath, “I think that will do us good, get some fresh air and get out of this place.”  
  
“Exactly,” I was the first one to get out of our tight hug.  
  
Jack looked me up and down and frowned, “you still have blood everywhere…”  
  
“Well, I’ll go change then,” I gave him a quick peck, “and you might want to put on a shirt.”  
  
“You don’t think everybody would love to see me shirtless?” Jack tried to joke, but the same happiness and foolishness that was always there when he joked, was no longer evident in his voice.  
  
I grinned at him nonetheless, “not as much as I do, or your fans do.”  
  
He stretched out his arms so I could pull him up from the couch and he placed a kiss on my forehead before we both went out to the bunks. My clothes were covered and splattered with quite a lot of blood, a lot more than what I remembered from the night before, but everything was such a blur. I looked through my duffle bag to see if I could find anything that was comfortable enough for me to wear. Jack was right, I wore sweatpants more often than I wore normal clothes. But, hey, you can’t blame a girl for wanting to wear something comfortable.  
  
“Hey, I’m repping you today,” I showed off my outfit, which consisted of light gray joggers, black vans, a black All Time Low shirt with the future heart logo with flowers in the background, and a white zip up hoodie to keep me warm.  
  
Jack seemed to cheer up a bit, “well, I think you look amazing with my band’s name on your body.”  
  
“Good, you can’t seem too far out of my league. I have to keep up with your good looks,” I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the front lounge. The whole band was sitting there, and even two or three crew members. I knew they probably heard some of what had happened, and they all gave us sympathetic smiles, something I really hated.  
  
“We’re, uh, going to be out for a bit,” Jack told them and squeezed my hand, “don’t worry, I’ll be back in time for sound check.”  
  
Everybody nodded and let us go, so we stepped out into the fresh air and I immediately felt better. I didn’t know about Jack, though. We just wandered around and tried to find a cafe. There was no talking going on between us, but it also wasn’t an awkward silence. I guess you could say we were both evaluating things.  
  
When we finally found a place that looked nice, we entered and got our coffees. I, of course, got a normal black coffee, and Jack got something else. We took a seat at a small table and sipped on our hot drinks. Once again, there was only silence, but we kept eye contact, gave each other small smiles, and the hands that weren’t around our cups were intertwined together. I thought we were going to stay like that for the entire time, but Jack spoke up.  
  
His face scrunched up like he was going to ask me a question, “so, how are things going to go?”  
  
“What do you mean?” I put my hot cup down on the table.  
  
“When are you going to have chemo? Where is it going to be? How will you get there? Etcetera,” Jack also put his coffee down and turned very serious.  
  
“Well,” I started thinking out loud, “first, I will leave to go home. When I get there, I will start to pack all my stuff in boxes. Then, I will start chemo a couple of days before you come back, which is earlier than originally planned. I’m guessing either Cam or my mom will bring me to the hospital and bring me back home. Then, when you come home, we will move all my stuff into your house. I will have to go to the hospital weekly. If you want, you could bring me there when you’re home, or my parents will have to do that. And, yeah.”  
  
“Wait, you want to move in with me?” Jack’s eyes went wide and I saw some more life return into them.  
  
I nodded and chuckled, “I thought we already determined that.”  
  
He grinned and kissed my hands, “I love you so much. And of course I’d bring you to the hospital whenever you need me to… but what about when I’m on tour? Will you be fine at home all alone?”  
  
“I don’t know,” I shrugged and started playing with his calloused fingers, “I guess we will see when the time comes, you’ll be home for quite some time.”  
  
“Ok,” he gulped down the last of his, now nearly cold, coffee, “I’m going to go to the bathroom and as soon as you finish we can go back.”  
  
“Ok,” I smiled as he stood up and gave me a quick kiss before walking to where the bathrooms were situated.  
  
I sat there with both my hands around my cup, looking around the place. Cafe’s always had such a nice homey feeling. It wasn’t like it was just some random shop, it always felt cosy and warm. I sighed and took another drink of the beautifully bitter coffee, when suddenly somebody stood next to me. I looked up to see a girl around the age of 16 standing there.  
  
She smiled at me and pointed at my shirt, “you like All Time Low too?”  
  
“I guess you could say that,” I nodded, “my brother is a much bigger fan, though.”  
  
“Awesome!” She seemed to be so happy to have found somebody that liked the same music, “are you also going to your show tonight?”  
  
“I’m planning to. Their shows are pretty amazing. They actually love their fans, unlike many other musicians.”  
  
“You’ve been to their shows before! This is my first one! I really love their music, but I’m not one of those girls that freak out over the guys. Their music means alot to me, though,” she put her blonde hair to one side, so it wouldn’t keep falling in the way when she was talking.  
  
“I completely understand,” I told her, causing her to grin again.  
  
Jack appeared next to the girl, “hey, what’s going on?”  
  
“Now I know why I recognize you!” The girl pointed at me.  
  
Jack still didn’t seem to know what was going on, so I clarified it for him, “she’s a fan of your music.”  
  
“Awesome,” he nodded approvingly and smirked, “are you coming to the show today?”  
  
“Yes,” the girl gushed, “I finally convinced my parents to let me go, and I’m so excited.”  
  
Jack sat down back where he was sitting before, “maybe I’ll see you in the crowd.  
  
“Maybe,” she smiled before turning to a sound, “I have to go, but I just want to say I totally disagree with the others, I think you guys are perfect for each other. Bye.”  
  
“Bye,” Jack gave her the signature smile he gave to fans before turning to me, “what was that about?”  
  
“What was what about?” I acted oblivious and finished my coffee.  
  
“You know what I mean,” Jack glared at me, trying to get me to spit out what I knew, “the whole disagree with others and thinking that we are perfect for each other. What was that about?”  
  
“Nothing,” I said way too fast. Damn. I should have waited a bit after thinking for a while. Now he knew something was up. Shit, shit, shit. Jack couldn’t find out! He was going to crazy, and it would be another thing I hadn’t told him about! No, no, no!  
  
“Ireland…”  
  
Well fuck.


	47. An Outburst for Another

Jack stormed into the bus, making everybody in the bus jump. I was rushing behind him, trying to get him to calm down. After he found out I was getting a lot of hate, he went ballistic. Instead of blowing up in the cafe, he ran out. I had to dash behind him, before he would kill somebody. But I never managed to fully catch up with him. I had to stop so often to catch my breath, and I felt like my lungs were going to collapse. It burned so bad and I was just begging for Jack to stop. But he was too clouded with anger to hear me.  
  
“Did you guys fucking know?” Jack shouted at the top of his lungs and pointed at his friends that were sitting in the front lounge.  
  
“Dude, calm down,” Alex was the first one to speak up after everybody froze.  
  
“I will not calm down! Not while this is going on!” Jack unlocked his phone and threw it at Alex.  
  
I was trying my best to catch my breath, and was leaning around a counter to make sure I would fall over from oxygen deprivation, “Ja-ack, it’s fi-” nope, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t breathe. My lungs were trying their best, but my blood just couldn’t take it. I slowly slid down to the floor and shook my head, “I gotta sit down.”  
  
Jack spun around to see me basically of the verge of passing out, “oh, shit! I’m screwing everything up!”  
  
Zack rolled his eyes and came up to me, “arms up,” he helped me raise them and pushed me back against the counter more, “sit up straight, and breathe.”  
  
Zack’s method helped me somehow get more air. It was like magic… well, not really. It obviously made sense, giving you lungs more space, but I didn’t care at the time. All I cared about was the fact that I wouldn’t faint or end up with a terrible headache. Once my sight cleared up, which I hadn’t realised was blotched with black dots, I looked around. Jack was crouched next to me, slightly freaking out, Zack was helping me breathe, Alex was reading things from Jack’s phone, and Rian was looking over his shoulder. Well this was pretty fucking awkward.  
  
I glared at Jack, took one of my hands out of Zack’s grip, and punched his shoulder, “don’t make me fucking run like that! I can’t do that!”  
  
“I know,” Jack looked disappointed in himself, “I just don’t like people talking shit about you.”  
  
“Is your stamina really that bad?” Rian asked me after reading a comment.  
  
Zack realised I was fine, and let my other hand go. I stood up, helping myself by pushing my weight up on the counter, “I wish I could use that as an excuse…”  
  
“She is actually pretty athletic,” Jack brushed himself off, “so anybody saying she’s lazy or fat is completely fucking wrong.”  
  
I rolled my eyes, “Jack, there’s a reason why I didn’t tell you about those comments. I really don’t give a fuck what they think about me. As long as I know the truth and you know the truth, I’ll be fine. They can make up stories about me, but I honestly don’t care. If they are trying to hurt me, it’s definitely not working.”  
  
“When did these comments start?” Alex seemed to be taking this very seriously as well.  
  
I shrugged and sat down on the couch as well, “as soon as Jack started taking pictures of me, I guess. But I think you can say it really started after Jack brought me out on stage and I freaked out and ran away.”  
  
“That was completely my fault though!” Jack took his phone back from Alex, “why do they hate on you for it?”  
  
“Because they don’t like me.”  
  
“What’s there not to like about you?”  
  
I gave him the most obvious answer, “I’m dating you.”  
  
“Ahh, the classic ‘that girl’s dating my favourite band member, I hate her for it’ case,” Rian nodded, “yeah, some fangirls can’t seem to deal with that.”  
  
“But they’re making up so much about you!” Jack really seemed upset, something I was hoping to avoid.  
  
Once again, I shrugged, not really caring about what the fans said, “I think it’s pretty funny actually. Oh, wait, there’s this really good one,” I got out my own phone and looked for the tweets, “they went to my brother’s account and found photos of us together before I even met you, and now they’re accusing me of cheating. It actually made me laugh,” I handed my phone to Jack, who immediately read everything.  
  
Jack breathed out heavily and scrolled further, “but what about the fact that they think you hit your head on purpose for attention? What about that? Not only does it make me annoyed, but it makes me upset too! They can’t say stuff like that without knowing what’s going on with you!”  
  
“Well, would you rather tell them I could drop dead pretty soon?” I asked him before thinking. That was actually a bit harsh… “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”  
  
Jack gave me an unamused look. Just hours ago he was bawling his eyes out because of my condition, and here I was, rubbing it in his face, making it seem like it was no big deal. Of course it was a big fucking deal! Jack said he was messing everything up, but I was also doing my fair share of fucking our relationship up. I knew exactly how he felt, and I was only making things worse.  
  
Before I could say anything else, Jack walked off the bus. Well I fucked that up big time… I wasn’t going to run after him, though. He needed some time alone to think; everybody needed some alone time sometimes. Following him would only make things worse. Sometimes you just knew rushing after someone wouldn’t work. He would blow up on me and it would only lead to us breaking up, something I knew we both didn’t want right now.  
  
“Aren’t you going to go after him?” Rian pointed out.  
  
I shook my head, “I should have told him earlier… I think it’s just too much right now. There’s a lot been going on that you guys don’t know about.”  
  
“Does it have anything to do with that thing that happened yesterday with me?” Zack asked carefully, as if he were afraid to set me off as well.  
  
“No, we resolved that,” I assured him, not wanting him to feel bad, “it lead to something else, though, but it doesn’t really matter.”  
  
“Well, what’s up then?” Alex seemed worried about his best friend. His eyes suddenly went very wide, “you aren’t pregnant, are you?”  
  
If I had had a drink in my mouth, I would have certainly spit it out, “no! Of course not! I hope... I do not want kids… ever.”  
  
“Hate kids that much?” Alex chuckled, trying to lighten up the mood.  
  
“No,” I contradicted, “I actually love them, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go through the whole process. I can babysit, and I know what to do when a toddler comes up to me saying she’s lost when I’m meeting Jack’s parents. But that’s about it. Plus, even though this just became a factor recently, I probably won’t be able to have kids anyway.”  
  
“Why’s that?” Rian questioned, “if you don’t mind me asking, of course.”  
  
“Because chemotherapy basically ruins everything,” I answered. I wasn’t going to delay telling them any longer. They would probably understand what Jack was feeling, and they’d know not to punch me as a joke. It would also be pretty useful if I ever had to go to the hospital again if you of them were around.  
  
“Chemotherapy…?” Zack trailed off.  
  
“Acute myeloid leukemia,” I stated before tonnes of questions would come my way, “I had it when I was six years old, it came back, but they only realised recently. Things have been going worse than expected. Let’s just say my comment about me dropping dead wasn’t such a good idea. That’s why Jack walked away. And, now, before you start, I don’t want you guys to say you’re sorry for me or feel sympathy; it’s just what it is and nothing can change it. ”  
  
\----  
  
Jack only returned back in the evening, just before the show. I did not know where he had been the entire day, I just hoped he hadn’t done anything stupid. He had been gone for hours and hadn’t contacted anybody, but he seemed fine he was with us again. Sure, he wasn’t as happy anymore, but it wasn’t like he felt guilty for something he did… if you know what I mean. Ok, yes, I was afraid he might have cheated on me, but everything seemed fine. I wasn’t accusing him of anything without having any facts to support it. So far everything only pointed to him just needing time to think by himself.  
  
The other guys did exactly what I asked for. They didn’t tell me they were sorry and wished for me to get well soon. But I still noticed that they were a lot more wary around me, like they were afraid to break me or something. It was exactly what I hoped to avoid, but what can you expect when you tell somebody something big like this. I was no longer just ‘Jack’s girlfriend’, but ‘Jack’s girlfriend that has leukemia’. Maybe I’d even be known as the dying girl later on… maybe I wouldn’t even be known as Jack’s girlfriend anymore.  
  
Speaking of which, I stopped Jack to talk to him just before he went on stage, “Jack… if you want to break up with me, do it now. I don’t want to get you in the situation in which you will feel to bad to break up with me because I’m ill. So, just do it now.”  
  
Jack gave me a disbelieving look and shook his head, “where’s this coming from?”  
  
“I don’t know,” I ran my fingers through my hair, “it’s just- you deserve somebody better than me; somebody who doesn’t have to be in the hospital almost 24/7; somebody who’s able to get up on stage when you pull them on; somebody who doesn’t have to be careful with everything she does.”  
  
“Is this because of everything the kids are saying,” he cupped my cheek, “because I will do something about it.”  
  
“No,” I shook my head and leaned into his touch, “it’s because I feel like I’m _going_ to be a burden.”  
  
“You will never be a burden to me. I love you too much for that,” he inched closer until our lips finally touched. All our feelings poured out; anger, sadness, confusion, fear, agitation, but most of all, love.


	48. Showing Signs of Death

So, yes, I decided to delete my Twitter account, even though no one had asked me to. I didn’t do it for myself, but for Jack. And it was totally worth it. His face lit up brightly when I told him that it was now gone off of the internet. Sure, he would have loved to find a way to stop the hate without me having to do that, but that was just not how it was going to work. He could say something, and ask the fans to stop, but who were we kidding? That wasn’t going to work, and it would only make it worse. The kids just managed to twist everything around to make it seem like I was doing something bad:

  * Ireland quickly ran when the band went into the venue? It must be because she hates All Time Low and doesn’t like the fans; it wasn’t like she could feel a nosebleed starting and knew there would be more chance to find tissues or toilet paper in the venue, than in the bus.
  * Jack didn’t look in their direction? No, it wasn’t just because there were so many other people, but because Ireland was either hurting him mentally or taking all of Jack’s attention.
  * Ireland didn’t say hi back when the one fan shouted hi at her? She was just a bitch that didn’t care about Jack’s and All Time Low’s fans; there was no way it was because she couldn’t hear the fan over all the other people screaming.
  * Somebody saw Jack pay for everything when they had some time off? Ireland was totally a gold digger that just wanted him for his fame and money. It wasn’t because Jack was not allowing himself not to pay, nor did Ireland ever offer to pay him back.
  * Ireland’s just a stuck up bitch that just doesn’t care about Jack or the band, or any of the fans. She is only together with Jack for his fame and money. And for some stupid reason Jack actually thinks Ireland loves him, and is too blind to see how shitty of a person she is.



You could add so many things to that list, it was insane. Even though it wasn’t really hurting me, I just couldn’t help but feel uneasy. Some comments were actually violent, threatening me. I just couldn’t do anything without being judged. It was like I was the celebrity followed around by paparazzi, rather than Jack being the one that you could actually call famous to a degree. All I wanted was to be able to love my boyfriend and me myself, but the fans obviously didn’t like that. Maybe, just maybe, if I had known that this would have happened, I wouldn’t have kissed Jack in that hospital bed.  
  
But no. I shouldn’t think about that. We were happy together, and that was it. Final. Done. Ok.  
  
Now, on a whole other note, I was completely sick again. I had been feeling a bit better, but now I felt worse than before. My immune system was just too bad, and feeling like this just wanted me to go home soon. Luckily, though, I was going to go back in a couple of days. Soon the chemo was going to start, and I’d have to be careful with where I went. Maybe you’d think I would get sick often now, but it would be even worse later on. The chemo would just destroy me, and I just hoped Jack wouldn’t get fed up with me. After this tour, they were going to be home for just over a month. Alex was getting married, and they were going to go on a honeymoon, new music was going to be written and demos were going to be recorded, and they just felt like a long break wouldn’t be that bad. However, it did mean Jack was going to be around for very long and would be able to see me slowly deteriorate. That was the only sucky thing about it.  
  
Anyway, I was very sick again. I had bad bags underneath my eyes, my skin was pale, I constantly felt cold, and one of Jack’s zip up hoodies was my permanent residence. Feeling like this was completely and utterly useless. Not only wasn’t this nice for me, but I was pretty sure I was also ruining it for the others. And I didn’t want that. I did not want to be the one to ruin everything. But my wish obviously didn’t come true. I mean, when do the ever come true?  
  
“Are you going to come with us?” Jack asked me while he stood up from the couch, after Rian had announced that they were going to leave.  
  
I shrugged and put my feet, which Jack had taken off his lap, on the floor, “I don’t really have anywhere else to go, do I?”  
  
“I thought you’d might have wanted to stay here and sleep,” he took my hands to pull me up.  
  
“No,” I shook my head and pulled the hoodie down to cover my legs a bit more, “it’s boring here all by myself. I’m coming with you guys.”  
  
Nobody seemed to object, so we all went out of the bus and made our way a couple blocks down. Now, you might be asking yourself where we were going, so I’ll tell you. The guys had a day off, and this college close to the venue they were playing at offered for them to use the gym, you know, one of those multipurpose courts, so they didn’t decline. Some crew members were also coming, so they had enough people to play a couple of games.  
  
We were standing at a traffic light, waiting to cross a busy crossing. Cars were zooming past and the guys were fooling around a bit, not enough to do anything dangerous though. I would have probably joined, if it weren’t for the fact that I felt like shit. But that wasn’t the important part of the point in the story. Only when the light turned green, did something, you could call important, happen.  
  
Jack was the first to go to cross the road, but I noticed something was off; something was wrong. I didn’t know what it was, but I didn’t like it. Either I was going to die right now, or I had a weird gut feeling, and I was actually rooting for the latter. Jack was laughing and stepped onto the road, but something in me snapped.  
  
I screamed out his name and pulled him off the road, causing him to fall onto me. We collapsed onto the floor, his weight fully on me. The rough road was burning against my skin and I just hoped I didn’t create a wound that was too big for me to handle. Everything seemed to be going so fast at that moment.  
  
“What the fuck!” Jack shouted in shock, rather than anger.  
  
I was about to apologise, when a car suddenly zoomed past, speeding and going through a red light. Ok, so, that happened. I actually saved Jack’s life… woah. Everybody turned to look at me with astonished faces. I definitely wasn’t the only one who I surprised. Jack could have been in the middle of the road now, run over, blood pooling around him, dead as can be. But he wasn’t. He was right here, on top of me, crushing me to the floor.  
  
“Holy shit,” Zack muttered while trying to process everything that had just happened.  
  
“How did you see that coming?” Rian asked, completely flabbergasted.  
  
“I didn’t,” I sighed and looked at Jack, “are you ok?”  
  
“Yeah,” he groaned and rolled off me, “are you?”  
  
“I think so,” I nodded. Jack got up first, before pulling me up. Luckily, neither of us were seriously hurt. This could have turned out so much worse. Jack could have been dead, or I could have been bleeding to death. But we were both fine, and neither of us were actually hurt-  
  
“Blood!” Alex shrieked and pointed at my right arm, “aah!”  
  
I gave him a weird look before checking out what he was freaking out about. There was a cut on my arm, caused by a sharp stone on the pavement. I actually considered it more of a scratch than an actual cut. But, yes, there was more blood than normal, but what would you expect?  
  
I just hummed in response, “it’s not bad, it’s just a scratch.”  
  
“But there’s a lot of blood,” he emphasized, causing Jack to take a look, agreeing with him.  
  
I rolled my eyes and acted like it was the most obvious thing ever, “that’s how my blood works. This really isn’t bad, it will stop in a bit.”  
  
\---  
  
So, the wound continued to bleed for quite some time, but it wasn’t life threatening. I did, however, obviously choose to sit out while everybody else was doing sport. All I was doing, was watching them, not really having anything I could do on my phone anymore. At least it was better than sitting in the bus all by myself, I guess. Now I could still chuckle at how they messed up, and at the fights they had about the rules. They would always look at me if they weren’t sure who was right. I guess being sporty had to mean you knew all the rules from all possible team sports.  
  
The guys had just started playing basketball, but some of the crew members had to get back to start or finish setting up. So, nobody was really left to actually be in the teams. Instead, everybody was shooting hoops and dribbling around the place randomly. Basketball was the second most loved sport in my book, so I was pretty bummed I couldn’t join. But it was for the better. I needed to relax and not overdo myself. We all know what happened last time. This time I wasn’t going to-  
  
A basketball rolled toward my feet, where I was sitting against one of the walls. I picked it up and looked around who I had to throw it back to. When I saw Alex from the opposite side of the gym,looking at me with no ball anywhere around him, I was about to send the ball to him, when he stopped me.  
  
We made eye contact and he shouted, “you should try throwing it in the basket!”  
  
“I really shouldn’t,” I shook my head and threw it right at him, so he could catch it without having to move.  
  
He looked astonished, “you should, though! That throw was amazing!”  
  
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” I shrugged and shuffled back properly into my sitting position, it’s that I shouldn’t.”  
  
“One try won’t hurt!”  
  
I just couldn’t resist it; I had to do it. That orange ball was just screaming at me to be picked up and throw. There was no way I was not going to do it. This was what I basically grew up on. Cam had this thing where he had to play guitars if he saw them, I had it with sports. It was like an addiction.  
  
I trudged up to Alex to go and take the ball from him. One try wouldn’t hurt right? I ignored the sick feeling in my stomach that got worse with each step. The need to vomit got worse, but I had been able to keep it down a couple of times already, so I felt like I could do it again. So, I took the ball from Alex, getting a large grin from him.  
  
“Wooo!” Jack ran up to me and stopped just before he ran me over, making his shoes squeak, “if you get this in, I’ll buy you ice cream.”  
  
“Ice cream?” I questioned, my stomach really not liking that idea.  
  
“Coffee?”  
  
I shrugged, not really thinking I could drink anything warm at the moment. My body was already heating up so much with me having a fever again; there was no way I could drink anything that hot.  
  
“Or something else,” Jack changed his offer once again, “anything you’d like.”  
  
“Buy me a diamond ring,” I joked, thinking about the many times Jack told me to forget about the price and just say what I wanted. But then I realised what else that could mean. So I stopped my chuckle and squinted while turning to look at Jack, “I did not mean it that way.”  
  
“Yeah, figured,” Jack laughed at my own mistake. At least he was cool enough with the subject to laugh about it. There were so many guys that would totally misunderstand everything or overthink it. Maybe having talked about marriage so soon in our relationship was a good thing. Now we were able to make comments about it without things getting tense or awkward.  
  
“Just get me a bottle of water,” I told him and bounced the ball a couple of times, before shifting my attention to the hoop. I shot the ball, it going perfectly through the hoop and net. But, it did not go as perfectly for me. My stomach completely flipped and I ran to where I knew the bathrooms were.  
  
My knees hit the cold tiled floor, causing pain to surge up my body. I skid a bit, letting the last of the distance be closed. Maybe it was a bit disgusting sitting on the floor of a public bathroom, but I really couldn’t give a fuck. As soon as I hugged the toilet bowl, I spewed out the contents of my stomach. This all really wasn’t a good idea. I should have probably stayed in the bus, like Jack originally thought I was going to do, and I certainly shouldn’t have let myself be convinced so easily. This was all my fault, nobody else’s.  
  
New even a few seconds after I had started vomiting, Jack was there with me. He sat on the floor with me, held my hair, and trailed his fingers up and down my back, trying everything to comfort me. When I stopped for a bit, he shuffled so I could sit in his lap more comfortably while I could still hand over the toilet. But things only got worse. I started throwing up again, but once that was done, the nosebleed started. Not only was there stomach acid coming out of me, but also red liquid. Great.  
  
“Are you ok?” Jack asked when he realised I had stopped, but was still in the same position.  
  
I groaned, not liking the taste in my mouth and not wanting to get any blood in it, “nosebleed.”  
  
“Oh,” he stretched to reach the toilet paper and gave me a wad of it. I pressed it against my nose after I felt like the worst of it had dripped into the water. After flushing the toilet to get rid of the disgusting mixture, I rested backwards into Jack, and layed my head against his chest. He moved up even more so he could lean against the wall, making both of us more comfortable. I closed my eyes, and could feel myself falling asleep. This was all so tiring and I just wanted it to stop happening.  
  
“Oh shit-” Alex came into the bathrooms to probably go check up on us, “umm… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to push you too far.”  
  
I shook my head, barely moving it, and my voice came out really weak, “it’s not your fault.”  
  
After that I just couldn’t stay awake anymore. I fell asleep in Jack’s embrace on the floor of a bathroom, but woke up the next morning in a similar position, but in a bunk.


	49. Dear, Here's Our Future Plans

Today was the last day I was going to be on tour with All Time Low. Even though he hadn’t said anything, I could tell that Jack really did not want me to leave. He was around me the entire time and couldn’t help but kiss me or hug me every chance he got. All he was was worried to leave me alone, worried about my journey back home, and worried that something would just happen to me in general. But I was going to be fine, I was pretty sure I was. As much as I also didn’t want to leave, I had to. Jack would be with me again in just over two weeks, so everything would be ok. And then I’d move in with him and have another 2 months with just him.  
  
I know it might sound cliche, but I just loved Jack so gosh darn much! I wasn’t even going to use proper swear words. This guy had changed me so much for the better; I was a lot more open; I actually considered having a relationship, now turning into a relationship that I hoped would never end… And that was what scared me. Jack and I would either have to break up or we would spend the rest of our lives together, and I just couldn’t imagine both. For so long I was sure that Jack and I were going to break up, probably on good terms, but nothing was leading us to that. Our love only grew bigger and stronger, rather than slowly dying, which was what I had expected. Jack and I both didn’t do relationships, and here we were, in a very serious one. And as much as I loved him and he loved me, I still couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with one person. It was just so weird! I was terrified of both possible outcomes.  
  
“What are you thinking of?” Jack came back into the back lounge with some drinks. We were here, watching a movie together, with nobody else since they all went out. He kissed my cheek and sat back down beside me, pulling me against his body.  
  
“Nothing really…” I trailed off and got more comfortable by resting my head against his shoulder.  
  
Jack wrapped an arm around me, “I know you’re lying. You have this look on your face when you’re in deep thought. It’s like you’re staring off, but at the same time you are still fully aware of your surroundings.”  
  
“How do you know all that shit about me? I don’t even know that shit about me!” I whined and nuzzled my nose against his shoulder in attempt to hide my face.  
  
Jack laughed and kissed my temple, “because I love you and realise all these details about you.”  
  
I probably should have reacted or said something back, but I only acted weirdly. My whole internal debate was still going on, and Jack saying he loved enough to get to know me better than I knew myself, just made it all worse. I honestly didn’t know what to do, or what to think.  
  
“Ok, no,” Jack shook his head and sat up straighter, forcing me to sit normally as well, “there’s is definitely something wrong.”  
  
“It really doesn’t matter though,” I told him, just wanting to spend this time with him and cuddle.  
  
“I refuse to fall for that. Just tell me-” Jack suddenly froze up and looked at me with wide eyes, “you’re not pregnant, are you? Because that would be a problem; chemo and babies don’t work together. I’ve done my research about the whole chemotherapy situation!”  
  
“No, I’m not pregnant,” I laughed before actually realising what he had actually just asked me, “wait, what would even make you think that?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Jack panicked, “there’s nothing really that would make me think it. But sometimes condoms break and you don’t realise. You’re not on birth control, right?”  
  
“No. That would be way too many pills for me to remember to take daily. Why? Do you think the condom broke?”  
  
“Not that I know of,” Jack was racking his brain to see if there was anything that could give him a definite answer.  
  
I took his hands and mine, trying to calm him down, “just stop worrying. I literally just finished my period today, so calm down. I’m sorry if I got you all worked up…”  
  
“Oh,” Jack nodded, but I couldn’t tell if he was upset or happy about it. He was just… silent, looking at our hands. Well, I didn’t think Jack would react like this.  
  
“Wait…” I tried thinking of a way to ask him this without scaring him off, “do you want to have kids…?”  
  
Jack looked up at me, his eyes not giving away an emotion I could read, “well… I’m not really against the idea, if you understand. If it happens, I’ll go along with it, and I probably will even be happy. But I understand that you don’t want to have them, so I’ll be fine with that. However, I just want you to know that if it ever happens I will never ever be against it.”  
  
“Jack,” I mumbled and sighed. He basically confessed to me that he actually did want to have kids, but was only ok with not having them because of me. I just didn’t know how to react anymore, “you’re making this so much more difficult for me.”  
  
“Making what more difficult?” He worried and started freaking out, “do you want to break up with me?”  
  
“No,” I told him before he could overthink things and actually believe that that was what I wanted to do, “it’s just, I just realised that we either eventually break up, or we stay together forever, and I just can’t wrap my head around both possibilities. I don’t want to break up, but spending the rest of my life with you seems so surreal. And I- And I- I just don’t know. ”  
  
Now it was my turn to have a small mental breakdown. I always thought Jack and I talked about everything, but at the same time we kept having panicked conversations like this. Sure, we said what we were thinking… eventually… without any fighting. But at the same time it wasn’t as relaxed. This whole relationship was so confusing.  
  
“Hey, hey, hey,” Jack quieted me down and brought both of my hands up to his lips, placing a kiss on them, “that’s something you don’t have to worry about, it’s in the future, we can’t plan this out; at least not yet, we cannot. If we want to, we will know when to break up, and if we don’t break up, we just continue living our lives like we are now: happy and together.”  
  
“But you probably want to get married in the future, and you literally just told me you want to have kids. And I can’t give that to you,” I pointed at myself to emphasize what I was saying, “but at the same time I don’t want to- Wait, no, I just can’t break up with you.”  
  
“And so be it,” Jack told me, “as long as we are together, everything will be fine. I love you so so much, and loving somebody means having to make some compromises and I’m fine with that.”  
  
“But maybe I should be the one making the compromises,” I just couldn’t stop freaking out, “maybe I should be the one being ok with marriage and kids because you want that. Why should _you_ be the one giving up things _you_ want?”  
  
“Because I would rather not force you into things you don’t want, than get my preferred option out of two things I’m totally ok with.”  
  
“But-”  
  
Jack interrupted me before I could go any further, “no buts. We will just continue our life together and see how things go. I don’t want to worry about things that will only become relevant much later on. When the time comes, we will know and we will have this conversation again. But that time is not now. I just want to love you in this moment, right now, and not be worried about how I will love you in the future.”  
  
“Ok,” I whispered, knowing that my whole outburst was literally the most stupid thing ever.  
  
“Good,” he sat more comfortable and made me sit so I was basically nearly in his lap, “now let’s watch this movie and stop worrying about it.”  
  
\----  
  
Of course I went to the show that night. It was the last one I could watch, and seeing this band play live never got boring. They always had different stories to tell in between songs, and it was so fun seeing their excitement. The crowd and the band had such an amazing chemistry, and it totally made me understand why Cam loved this so much. I was so happy for him to finally get the band back together again, even though only two of the original members remained. They were going to continue with the same band name ‘Her Words’ and they were to hyped up for the home show they were going to play in a couple of weeks. And then after that they would be able to record a whole new album with an actual producer. I was so excited for them, and I just wished I could pursue my dream as well. Let me tell you, I had gotten the photography job at the magazine and I would be able to work with Abagail… but I had to decline. I just couldn’t do the job with my health. They did say they were always happy to have me, and wished me to get better, but I just knew that I would never get such a great opportunity anymore. That just wasn’t how life worked out for me.  
  
But enough of that. This was All time Low’s show, and just like always, it was fucking amazing. However, I did wonder if Jack actually played the guitar; he would spend more time hyping up the crowd than actually playing stuff on his guitar. Oh well, the fans seemed to dig it, so it was fine.  
  
They had just finished another song, when the talking between Jack and Alex started again. I don’t remember exactly what they were talking about, but suddenly Jack thought it was the perfect moment for a certain story involving me.  
  
“Hey, Hey, Alex!” Jack caught the attention of his best friend while still also looking out at the crowd.  
  
Alex, being used to all of this, did what he normally did, “yes, Jack?”  
  
“I nearly died a couple of days ago,” Jack told as if it were the most casual and usual thing ever.  
  
“I know you did,” Alex said, like the crowd didn’t want to hear the story.  
  
Jack waited a bit for the screaming to stop, “but my girlfriend saved me.”  
  
So much for Jack waiting for the screams to stop, because they started again, but much louder than before. I would have thought it was nice of them to do it, if it weren’t for the fact that I knew fans did that for basically anything the guys said. They could literally say ‘poop’ and the crowd would go crazy… trust me, I saw it happen before.  
  
“She’s awesome,” he added and grinned at me.  
  
“Yes, she is,” Alex agreed and nodded, “but she still hasn’t sung with me! And she’s leaving tomorrow! Why!”  
  
“You seem more upset about this than I am,” Jack laughed at his best friend overdramatizing the entire situation.  
  
“Well yes!” Alex scoffed.  
  
I rolled my eyes when he looked at me, and screamed at him, even though he probably didn’t hear me, “only because you asked so nicely.”  
  
“What?” Alex laughed, literally not having heard shit, before turning to the crowd, “hang on, calm down. I need to hear this.”  
  
“I’ll sing with you-” I started as soon as it got quiet.  
  
But he interrupted me before I could finish, “yessss!”  
  
I shook my head and continued, “but I’m not coming on stage.”  
  
Alex gave me a confused look, not having heard me again. So, he sent Jack to check out what I was saying. I told Jack my plan on me singing with Alex, but staying side stage and not actually singing next to him. There was no way I was brave enough to stand there in front of so many kids. Especially if they hated me so much. Jack was so happy to hear, having wanted ‘the whole world to hear my beautiful voice’. He kissed pulled me into a kiss, earning a groan and a ‘PDA’ out of Alex, causing the crowd yet to scream again.  
  
So that’s what happened. They started playing Love Like War, and I sang Vic’s part and added some harmonies to Alex’s parts. The fans seemed to like it, even though it was me singing. I guessed they didn’t really care, as long as the show was good; they’d bitch about it later on social media. It was pretty awkward singing this song all by myself sidestage. The song was one you could easily dance and jump to, but I couldn’t really do that all by myself. But I was really proud of myself.  
  
Just like I said before, Jack was making me more open. Now I was slowly also breaking out of my shell. This guy was really one of the only good things left in my life.


	50. Learning Before Leaving

So, the day I was going to go back home finally came. But the closer it got to the actual moment, the more I was just wishing I didn’t have to leave. Sure, being apart from Jack was part of it, but the fact that I was going to start chemo soon, freaked the shit out of me. I had done it before, but that was ages ago! I was so young and only had to do what they told me, now I was so much more involved. At six years old you don’t get to hear what all the side effects are, nor it the entire process explained in freakishly creepy words. Back then it was all made more fun, and everything was simple. I didn’t want to fucking die! And dying from the chemo would just be the worst way to go.  
  
Just take a deep breath. Everything was going to be fine. Maybe it was true that the chemo would tire me out, but so what? I could definitely still pack all my stuff into moving boxes and carry heavy stuff around. No biggie. I could totally do all that… Of fuck, who was I kidding! Of course I couldn’t do that! I would just die by tiring myself out, forget the leukemia or chemo or any other shit that could fucking kill me!  
  
I just wanted to be in the safety of Jack’s arms forever…  
  
I couldn’t do any of this without him; I was literally nothing without him. And after Cam was going to move away, he would be literally the only person I would fully depend on. Yes, I had my mom and dad, but that was different. Let’s just say I always made sure to be happy around them. No, I didn’t do it on purpose; no, it wasn’t because they wouldn’t want to help me with my problems. I just did it automatically. Don’t most people have that? Act around certain people in a certain way, I mean. The only people I didn’t have that around were Cam and Jack. So, now with one of them leaving, I couldn’t afford having the other one disappear as well.  
  
“When are you leaving again?” Jack asked me while drawing shapes on my legs, which were residing in his lap.  
  
I checked the time, seeing in was 4pm, “in an hour.”  
  
“Does somebody need to drive you somewhere?” he questioned, wanting to know every single detail that he knew exactly where I was and when I was there.  
  
“Nope.”  
  
“Do you know what time you’ll be back in Baltimore?” he continued, literally having asked me this not that long ago.  
  
“Jack,” I groaned and stretched out, “I told you everything I know! Just stop worrying, if anything goes wrong, you’ll probably be the first to know. Plus, the hospital back home still thinks you’re my fiance, so they’ll probably contact you as well if something bad happens.”  
  
“What?” Alex laughed loudly and looked at Jack like it was something he would totally do, which it probably was.  
  
“Hey,” Jack snapped at Alex in a joking way, “her whole family was out of town, and they wanted to send me away! It was either I lied, or she would be kept at the hospital for another three days! Remember that one time I totally canceled our plans with Rian? Yep, that was then.”  
  
Alex glared at me and gasped, “that was your fault! Jack totally missed out!”  
  
“I told him I would be fine staying all by myself, but he didn’t like the idea,” I shrugged and pointed the blame towards Jack instead.  
  
He acted like I had just shot or insulted him, “I just didn’t want you being all by yourself after that! And good stuff only happened after that, so I don’t regret it,” he was referring back to that it was the first time that we officially said ‘I love you’ to each other.  
  
“Oh, did you guys lose your virginity to each other that night?” Rian laughed at the recurring joke of this band, that he just made again.  
  
“No,” I groaned and hid my face in my hands. Maybe it was a joke on Jack’s side, but for me it just made me want to cringe away. This was still pretty new for me, and only Lisa, as far as I knew she had never told Alex, knew about it “I’m still going to crawl away into a hole and die.”  
  
“Oh, come on,” Jack tried to pry my hands away from my face, but I held on tightly, “it’s not that bad.”  
  
I looked through the small gaps between my fingers and saw Jack laughing at me. It just reminded me of how much I actually loved that guy. Everything was perfect about him; his laugh, his eyes, his personality, just everything. It just made me understand why his fans hated me even more. They thought about him the same exact way I did, so seeing the guy you love (romantically or not) be in love with someone you don’t think is good enough, must be terrible. But as long as Jack loved me and I loved him, I was going to be fine.  
  
When I felt the blush that had decided to form on my face finally disappear, I took my hands away, “I’ve had to help Jack out of awkward situations way too often to know he wasn’t a virgin when we got together. I’ve been a simple girlfriend that catches him with a random girl, I’ve been a sister that’s absolutely disgusted, I even found a ring once so I could play his pregnant fiancee. Over time I developed a new skill.”  
  
“She should be an actor,” Jack agreed, thinking back to all the times I had to quickly improvise in the mornings.  
  
“But,” I menaced by shooting daggers at Jack, “if I ever catch you cheating now, I will probably walk in on you, turn around straight away and be like ‘nope’. Then close the door, walk out of the house, get in the car, and drive all the way to Mexico. When I’m there I’ll suddenly think ‘wait, what the fuck just happened?’ and I’ll realise that I actually caught you cheating. So, I’ll change my name to Beatrice and start a horse ranch.”  
  
“What the fuck?” Zack laughed, while the others were just as amazed by my speech.  
  
Jack pulled me closer by dragging me across the couch by the waist, “she has plans for everything… seriously… it’s pretty terrifying.”  
  
“No,” I shook my head, “I come up with them on the spot… I’m just really really weird…”  
  
“It’s the only reason why I keep you around,” he quickly pecked my lips, earning gags and groans from the other guys on the bus; they had to endure Jack being clingy for the past 3 days, so it was probably all getting way too much for them.  
  
\----  
  
I was sat on Jack’s lap. We still had 45 minutes to spare, so Jack decided to make my dream of learning a musical instrument come true. He got an acoustic guitar that they had in the bus to play random songs on, made me sit on his lap, put the guitar on my lap, and then taught me how to hold it. Of course 45 minutes really wasn’t enough time to learn something well, but it was fun. I actually got to learn my basic chords!  
  
At first Jack made me only strum while he played the chords, and it seemed pretty easy. Ok, yes, it wasn’t advanced, but I could play the easy strumming patterns, you know, the ones you often find in acoustic pop songs. And then the fun stuff started. Jack would carefully place my fingers on the steel strings and took the job of strumming. I actually wanted to be able to do it, so I honestly tried to remember the shapes he taught me. After messing up the whole shapes and positions, I finally got to the point where I only misplaced one finger, to when I was able to slowly place the chord properly. The love my brother had for playing his guitars made so much more sense. I always had an appreciation for the instrument, because I always fixed Cam’s guitar, but now I appreciated playing it as well. It was just so much fun and once you actually get to know the basics, you can start to create your own stuff.  
  
“So, how’s it been going?” Alex returned to the front lounge. The guys watched for the first bit, but eventually went to do their own things, leaving Jack and I alone.  
  
Jack rested his head on my shoulder and place a soft kiss on my neck, “pretty good. She’s a very good student.”  
  
“Well, why don’t you show me what you’ve learned so far?” Alex took a seat opposite from us.  
  
“Oh god, ok,” I looked at the guitar, “I can’t promise this will be any good.”  
  
I started playing each of the chords, “D, A minor, A, E, E minor, C, and G.”  
  
“What the fuck?” I heard Jack whisper from behind me and Alex looked at me with wide eyes.  
  
“I think you’ve got yourself a musical talent,” Alex gasped and then shifted his gaze towards Jack.  
  
“I was just playing what Jack showed me before he started teaching me these chords…” I told them with a confused tone, “there’s nothing special about it. It’s literally just chords, they don’t even sound good together in that order.”  
  
“No,” Alex shook his head, dragging out the ‘o’, “you don’t understand. You aren’t supposed to be able to transition between chords that quick after only 40 minutes of playing! And so many chords! It’s not normal! Most people still struggle with the first chord they learn by now!”  
  
“Are you sure you’ve never played before?” Jack exhaled in astonishment.  
  
I nodded, “I’ve never played any musical instruments before. Like I always say, I was good at sports, and Cam at music. I don’t think I ever even tried playing guitar.”  
  
“Well, it turns out you’re musical as well,” Alex pointed out.  
  
“Well that sucks.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
I chuckled, “because Cameron is still really really bad at sports.”  
  
“I bet you can even sing better than him!” Jack said, while nodding in excitement.  
  
“You haven’t even heard him sing once! You don’t know that!” I put the guitar next to us and slapped him against his chest.  
  
“That is not my problem,” he acted like it was no big deal and like he knew he was 100% right.  
  
“Well,” I included Alex again as well, “they’re playing a show in Baltimore in a couple of weeks, you guys should come. I’m going, at least, I have to help with soundcheck, and I want to watch, of course.”  
  
Alex titled his head to the side and honestly asked me, “why would you need to help with soundcheck?”  
  
“Because Cam doesn’t know how to tune a guitar,” I said with a straight face.  
  
There was a knock at the door and I immediately knew this was going to be goodbye. It was time for me to leave, and there was no way I was going to be able to stay much longer. But it had to happen. Goodbyes were never forever, though… or at least I hoped so- Gosh! What was wrong with me! I kept thinking of every little thing that could go horribly wrong, but always had to reassure myself that everything would be fine. I was not going down that path again.  
  
I stood up from Jack’s lap and announced, “that’s probably for me, seeing as it’s exactly quarter to five.”  
  
And just like I thought, my dad was standing there, ready to come pick me up. With all the business things he always did, he was always exactly on time, never late or early. It was like he was able to teleport or something; it was that amazing. Jack and I, however, prefered to be ‘fashionably late’... or more like, we accidentally feel asleep and had to get ready in 15 minutes, which wasn’t that all that easy.  
  
“Hi,” I grinned widely, getting a greeting back from him, “come in, I still need to get my stuff.”  
  
I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the front lounge, where Alex and Jack were still sitting. Normally I would be very excited and hyper if I saw my dad, but we both knew that wasn’t such a good idea now. I didn’t want to use up the leftover energy I had. Sure, yes, I would be able to sleep on the plane properly, but I still needed to be able to get myself to the plane. It was weird logic, maybe, but I didn’t want my dad having to do everything.  
  
“Oh, hi, Marcus,” Jack suddenly noticed who was standing in front of him, before glaring at me, “if you would have told me that you were going with your dad, I would have been a lot less worried!”  
  
“I didn’t tell you?” I frowned and quickly got my duffle bag from the junk bunk, returning in no time, “I thought I did… But now you say it, I also don’t recall ever telling you… my brain is playing games with me!”  
  
“Your brain is just a little bit messed up,” he teased and pinched his fingers together with some space apart to emphasize the ‘little bit’, while squinting.  
  
I rolled my eyes and nodded sarcastically, “yeah, a little bit.”  
  
“So, Dan says he’s got the plane ready,” my dad looked up from his phone, “and we can leave in 45 minutes. If we want to make that, we might want to start to get going soon.”  
  
“Ok,” Jack nodded, totally not fazed by the fact that he just found out my dad had a private plane anymore; he had found out way too many things like that about my family before, “I’ll walk you guys out.”  
  
Before I could leave, though, Rian and Zack realised what was going on and quickly joined. I hugged them all goodbye, and they all promised me they would keep Jack away from any trouble and that they were very happy to have me, that I could join them again anytime. I probably should have, but I wasn’t worried about Jack doing anything stupid. Like I told him before, I trusted him. But if he betrayed it, then there would probably be some consequences.  
  
And then Jack and I were left alone outside. He had put my bag in the back of the rented car and my dad already got it to give me and Jack some privacy. This was going to goodbye until he came back home. We wouldn’t be able to see each other anymore until then, and it made me pretty upset. But I wasn’t going to cry. I wanted to, but I wasn’t going to, or so I was telling myself. It would just be stupid if I did. It wasn’t going to be long… but I was terrified. However, I wasn’t going to show Jack that. He had to finish this tour without any worry.  
  
“I’m going to miss you,” I mumbled into his chest while our arms were wrapped tightly around each other. A part of me was begging me to never let go.  
  
“I’m going to miss you so so much too,” Jack sighed and kissed my forehead, “don’t ever think that I’m not thinking about you every second of my day. Even when I’m up on stage I’ll be thinking about you and how much I love you.”  
  
I just nodded, not really knowing how to reply to that. I wasn’t sure if he was reassuring me, or trying to make me even more upset. It wasn’t just part of me that didn’t want to leave anymore. All of me wanted to stay here with Jack and not have to give a fuck about hospitals and my stupid memories. Life just simply sucked without Jack with me.  
  
“I love you too,” I whispered back.  
  
Jack slowly let go of me, but kept hold of the sides of my arms while looking in my eyes, “be strong, ok? In just a couple of weeks I’ll be back and I’ll be able to give you as much kisses and cuddles as you need. Just be strong for now.”  
  
He was just as afraid as I was; afraid enough to think I might already die while he was still on tour. And that was what caused one tear to fall from my eye. Jack quickly wiped it away and kissed me passionately. Everything was going to be fine.  
  
“I- I should go before it get’s any more difficult,” I told him honestly, afraid that I was going to burst out into tears at any moment.  
  
Jack nodded and quickly kissed me one last time before we parted ways. I got into the passenger seat of the car and he took a few steps back. He kept watching the car until we turned the corner. And we were apart once again.  
  
My dad gave me an assuring squeeze in my thigh and smiled when I looked at him. I smiled back, but it wasn’t as strong and as wide as I wanted it to be. But that was nearly impossible with the feeling of tears building up. It was only ten minutes later that he actually started talking to me once again.  
  
“So, have you figured out the living situation yet?” he asked, keeping his gaze focused on the road.  
  
“Yeah,” just thinking about it already made me smile, “I’m going to be moving in with Jack.”  
  
“Really?” My dad seemed surprised, but not like he was disapproving of it, quite the opposite actually, “you guys are getting pretty serious, aren’t you?”  
  
I nodded. Jack and I were really getting serious, and I actually wasn’t afraid anymore.


	51. Wrong Interpretations and Fear

As soon as I got home, Cam and I started packing our stuff. Yes, we had a lot of time before either of us was actually going to move out, but knowing how often we would get distracted, it was better to start early. I basically started out with my bedroom, a gigantic bin bag in one hand and boxes in the other. My goal was to throw away anything I didn’t need anymore, and only keep the things that were absolutely necessary or objects I couldn’t part with. Sounds simple, but is a lot more difficult when actually executed. I had way too many possessions for this. So, there was a lot of debating going on in my mind. Should I throw it away or keep it? And after basically a whole internal discussion, I would often just choose to throw it away anyway. However, I realised what routine I was going through, so I quickly changed to just throwing stuff away unless it was important. And, boy, did it go much faster when I did that. Cam, on the other hand got distracted by every little item he found. He was like a kid cleaning up their room for the first time in ages. Everything he found was ‘awesome and cool’. Like, seriously, he would find a guitar pick and would have to play for an hour or so. That boy found never be able to leave this apartment, let alone this state, at this rate.  
  
But, hey, at least I wouldn’t be stressed out as fuck when the time finally came for me to actually move in with Jack. To say I was excited was an understatement, because I was so fucking excited I really couldn’t wait much longer. Jack and I already spent most of the time we could together when he wasn’t on tour, but now I was going to be able to wake up next to him every single time. We would be able to cuddle more and watch more movies together, and of course, just like Alex had said, there would be a lot more sex. I know, Jack and I only did it three times, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t like it. Jack was actually pretty good and actually managed to make me feel comfortable while I literally had no idea was the fuck I was doing. I still surprised myself everyday with how much I loved him and trusted him. It was totally unlike me, even though Cam did tell me that one time ‘that I wasn’t always this way’, but I liked it.  
  
However, I wouldn’t see him until a bit later. There was still over one week to go, and I kept counting down the days, still having daily calls with him. But I still had other friends… or friend, I should say. Well, I actually had Lisa as well now, she had said she’d like to hang out one time before the wedding. But besides her, I only had Abagail. And since I did most of my packing already, I was able to join her for her first ultrasound -- yes, she decided to keep the baby. She was around seven to eight weeks pregnant now, and it was actually pretty exciting. Oh, and she had contacted the father. They had been seeing each other while Abagail was in Iceland for a photoshoot, and apparently he had been waiting for her to contact him. While there, she had gotten a new Icelandic phone number, but when back to America, she went back to her old phone number. So, the guy didn’t have a way to contact her, but Abagail did. Of course he really liked Abagail, but a baby just seemed way too much for him. But he was a good guy, and promised he was going to be there. Actually, he was coming to visit in a couple of days. Maybe the baby would have two parents after all, or maybe it would have parents who were friends, at least there were no secrets being kept.  
  
I was sitting in the waiting room with Abagail when the doctor call her in. Before we went, I asked if she wanted me to come, and she said she did. So of course I went. If I had been in this situation I probably also would have wanted somebody with me. This was doubtless pretty terrifying for her. I mean, I definitely would have been, and seeing all the pregnant women here just made me a tiny bit happier that I wasn’t the one that was pregnant. There was no way I would ever be able to deal with that.  
  
We followed the doctor to the examination room, and I quickly texted Jack to tell him we were going to do the ultrasound now. Those were my exact words, actually. Little did I know that Jack had given Alex his phone to look something up, since the last time we had texted each other, which was 5 minutes before. So, Alex being Alex, thought I was the one getting the ultrasound, and was silently cursing at his best friend for not telling him. What I got out of the whole situation was a facetime call from ‘Jack’. Wondering why he would call me, I answered, only to find Alex glaring at me.  
  
“Are you pregnant?” he said in the most discouraged and annoyed voice ever, most likely disappointed in me for not telling him, rather than the possibility of me actually being pregnant.  
  
I sighed and shook my head. It wasn’t his business anyway if I were, so why was he being so curious? So, I rolled my eyes at him, “no, I’m not.”  
  
“Then why did you say you were getting an ultrasound, huh?” Alex told me like he knew he was right and was catching me out on a lie.  
  
“Because I was telling Jack, not you. If you would have read the entire conversation, you would have known that I’m here with my friend, who does happen to be pregnant,” I closed the door behind me while Abagail sat down on the bed. The doctor thanked me, having expected to have to close it herself.  
  
“Last time I checked, you didn’t have any friends,” he joked when his eyes suddenly went wide, like he was freaking out about something, “except for Lisa!”  
  
“No!” I shouted, getting pretty annoyed at him for always assuming what was going on, “I have one other friend, you shithead.”  
  
I turned my phone around so Abagail was in view. Her shirt was already pulled up to my surprise, since I had been listening to Alex instead of the doctor. I actually felt kind of rude for doing what I was doing, but just hanging up on him would mean he would have the wrong ideas and rumours would spread around the All Time Low community, until everything would hit me in the face. There was no way I could let that happen.  
  
“Yo, Alex!” I heard being shouted from a voice on the other side, “what are you even doing! I didn’t give you permission to call random people with my phone!”  
  
Not even a second later the image went all weird from Jack snatching the phone out of his best friend’s hand. I saw the floor for a while while Jack was probably hitting Alex on the head, since I heard the second boy whimper an ‘ouch’. Before I knew it, though, Jack was looking right at me. He first looked very confused, but then smiled widely when he realised it was me.  
  
“Hey, Jacko,” I said before he could start having a whole conversation with me, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it once it started, “I can’t talk right now. At at the ultrasound appointment with Abagail, after that it’s my turn for chemo. I’ll call you back later, ok?”  
  
Jack seemed disappointed, but agreed nonetheless, “Ok, but you better call me before the chemo, I want to know how you are.”  
  
I nodded before saying goodbye to him and ending the call. Yes, what I told Jack was the whole plan. I wasn’t just at the hospital because I had time to come with Abagail, but also because it was my first time having chemo. This was going to be my first cycle, and I thought joining Abagail would distract me a bit from how scared I was. But, having to say it to Jack just made it all so real again.  
  
However, it was now time to see the baby growing inside of Abagail, so I put my phone back in my pocket and gave all my attention to what was happening in front of me, “sorry about that. I just had to clear up a misunderstanding before things started going wrong.”  
  
“It’s ok,” Abagail smiled and held out a hand for me, which I took hold of while sitting in the spare chair.  
  
The doctor put the weird blue transparent gel on Abagail’s stomach. You couldn’t see that she was pregnant yet, but that wouldn’t happen for another couple of months anyway. As soon as the doctor put the weird wand on the flat stomach, an image popped up on the screen. To be honest, I could not see anything in the black and white picture until the doctor pointed out what was supposedly the baby. Oh well, Abagail seemed pretty happy. And it was pretty fun being able to experience this with her, since I knew I was never going to be on a bed having an ultrasound myself.  
  
After the doctor started explaining more, I realised I was going to be late for my own appointment, so I had to excuse myself and hurry to a wing on the opposite side of the building. As soon as I got there, I was able to go into the doctor’s office to go over the whole procedure again. All the side effects were explained, I was given all the dates for when I had to come in and for what, and he told me how it was going to work. I quickly signed the document given to me, only after reading it of course, and was sent up to the room where the chemo was given. A nurse came and hooked me up to the medication through an IV, when I suddenly realised I had forgotten to call Jack.  
  
I got out my phone again, seeing as I was all alone in the room anyway, and facetime called him. That way I would be able to see his face while I was basically about to have a panic attack. The machine administering the chemo into me wasn’t going to start for another 2 minutes, and I was working myself up as the seconds went past. I was terrified and I could literally feel my heart trying to beat right out of my chest. Lucky for me, though, Jack answered in no time, probably already waiting for my call.  
  
“Hey there, baby,” he piped cheerfully, something I wished I could do as well.  
  
I took no time to wait before telling him how I was feeling, “I am literally freaking out right now. This thing,” I pointed the camera at the needle in my arm, “is sticking inside of me. That stuff,” I showed the medication, “is going to go inside of me,” I then turned my phone back towards myself, “and there is literally nobody here and it’s quiet as fuck. And I don’t know what to do. And I still have 1 minute 17, 16, 15, 14 seconds to go before it actually starts. And- And- And-.... Jack,” I whimpered as a tear escaped my left eye and rolled down my cheek.  
  
“Hey, it’s going to be ok,” Jack started walking around, probably to go somewhere more private, “I know I can’t promise it, but I would if I could. I just want you to know I’m going to be here with you every step of the way, ok? I’ll be with you in just a couple of days. And if this tour was still going on for much longer, I would have gotten on the next plane to see you. But I know you won’t want that and that it will only make it worse if I would have to go back and then come home again a couple of days later. I just need you to stay strong for me, ok?”  
  
I nodded, and the machine started letting the chemo into my body, but I could help and shakily add, “p-please stay o-on the phone w-with me.”  
  
“Of course, baby,” he tried making me feel better by comforting me, “how about I tell you this story about what happened yesterday?”  
  
I nodded, just wanting to be distracted by something. And somehow it worked. The mixture of Jack seeming so into the story and his voice just got me to forget about everything going on around me. There was a reason why I had to stay strong and fight through it all, and it was Jack. He was going to be here for me the entire time, so I was going to make sure I was there for him when this finished. I was going to fight this stupid disease, not let it consume me. And the only way to do that was through the chemo.  
  
When Jack finished off his story, no longer being able to drag it out anymore, Alex appeared out of nowhere, “hey, Ireland. I don’t know if this is the wrong moment or not, but Lisa was wondering if you were coming to our wedding or not.”  
  
“Oh yeah,” I nodded, pretty happy he was occupying me, even though it probably wasn’t intentional, “I forgot about that. When is it, again?”  
  
“Ninth of April,” he said as soon as I asked.  
  
I frowned and pouted, all the dates that I had to be at the hospital frech in my mind, “I can’t. I literally just got told that I have to stay at the hospital from the eighth to the tenth.”  
  
“What!?” Jack interrupted pretty loudly.  
  
“It will be halfway through the cycle, so they just want to see how things are going, it’s nothing bad, don’t worry. Plus, you’ll be able to get drunk and it won’t bother me. I’m sorry, though, Alex,” I told both of them, the reality of me being hooked up to machine settling back in.  
  
“It’s ok, I understand, I’m sure Lisa will too,” Alex disappeared again, giving Jack and I privacy.  
  
Jack looked at me, his eyebrows furrowed, “but-”  
  
“No,” I stopped him before he would say that he wouldn’t go to the wedding if I would be in the hospital, “you have to go. He’s your best friend, and you really shouldn’t be worried about me. If anything, you should feel better. I will be at the hospital, so if anything happens, I will be in good hands.”  
  
“Ok, fine,” Jack’s expression slowly softened, “I love you.”  
  
“I love you too,” I mumbled, just wanting to be in his arms again.


	52. Don't Seem Too Eager

I squealed in excitement as Cam and I got out of the car. I was lucky enough that today was one of the days I got off of chemotherapy so there was no need for me to go to the hospital, and I wouldn't need to go for another three days. But that wasn’t why I was so excited. Sure, yes I was happy about it, but excited? No. I was excited to see Jack. He was finally coming home from tour and Cam and I were here to pick him up. I was literally doing a happy dance. Never did I think I would say this, but I literally couldn’t imagine a life without Jack anymore. In the beginning he was the clingy one, but you could say that I now held that title. But I had a good excuse… right? _Right_!?  
  
I was just so excited, and Cam was just taking _so_ long. He was still in the car, only just now taking his seatbelt off. Okay, sure--I got out of the car as soon as it stopped moving, but still. Couldn’t he at _least_ make an effort on trying to be a bit faster? I wanted to make sure I was there before they came; I didn’t want to make Jack wait any longer after the flight they had. And maybe I just wanted to be able to kiss him already.  
  
“Come on, Cam,” I whined like a child wanting ice cream on a hot summer’s day, “we’re going to be late! I’m pretty sure they’ve already gotten their baggage.”  
  
“Ok, ok,” he rolled his eyes and got out of the car before locking it, “Calm down.”  
  
Yeah… no. I was not going to do that. I probably had never been as excited for something as I was now. So, really not being able to wait any longer, I grabbed Cam’s hand and dragged him inside the airport. We stood at the barrier that was set up around the doors where people would enter the public part of the airport after getting their luggage. Even though I knew how awkward it was to see all those people when they walked through those doors, it was still pretty exciting to see who had just arrived. But I was only looking for one specific person. I had gotten a text from Jack saying that they were collecting their luggage 10 minutes ago, so he was going to be here any minute-  
  
I saw Alex walk through first, he was carrying suitcases and bags, some which seemed to be the band’s while others were his personal belongs, and Jack was right behind him -- the other two had connecting flights to get back home in other states. Of course I wanted nothing more than to run up to him and hug him and kiss him. But having Cam with me, it wasn’t going to be easy.  
  
He took hold of me before whispering, “Just wait a bit. Let him see you first. You don’t want to seem too eager...”  
  
I waited while Jack scanned over the crowd, all while trying to hold myself back. He was literally a couple of steps away, but I couldn’t run up to him because my stupid brother was holding me by the shoulders. Jack’ gaze continued until his eyes fell on mine. He grinned widely, showing off his teeth, and causing his eyes to wrinkle. I just wanted to break free from this stupid grip already.  
  
“Okay, now go.” Cam gave me a small push and I used it as my start to run up to Jack. I wrapped my arms around the man I had missed so much, while he went straight for a kiss. He dropped his bags and instead cupped both my cheeks to deepen the kiss, which I very happy returned. I would never reject Jack’s kisses, though. There were some bystanders awing at us, but not everyone seemed to think it was so cute.  
  
“Guys, seriously,” Alex groaned as he walked past us. “You _literally_ saw each other two weeks ago. Cut the PDA.”  
  
“Says the one getting married in a little over two weeks,” I rolled my eyes while breaking away from Jack, suddenly realising how many people there actually were here. “And I’m pretty sure you’ll be all over Lisa as soon as she gets here.”  
  
He raised up his hands in defense and scoffed. Boy, did that kid need to get laid. I knew exactly that was the cause of his sour mood. Why did I know? Well, I obviously lived with my brother for long enough to know and Jack had turned bitchy a couple of times before we even started dating. It was like this was their time of the month. Pretty funny, actually. Girls would be emotional and get pissed off easily because their uterus was shedding tons of blood, while guys just did it if they didn’t get to use their dick. Kinda ironic, if I said so.  
  
Jack and I laughed to ourselves at Alex’s behaviour and went over to Cam, who was patiently waiting. He might have tried to look like he didn’t care much, but I knew he couldn’t help but smile because I was so excited and happy to see Jack. Plus, Cam and Jack were pretty good friends too, so they all seemed to be able to have fun together as well.  
  
“I see how it is,” Cam sighed dramatically and tried to look mad, “She gets to be kissed, but I don’t. Sure, whatever, see if I care.”  
  
“Maybe later, when she’s asleep,” Jack winked, acting as if he were whispering, but actually just saying it in his normal voice.  
  
\----  
  
When we arrived at the apartment, Jack looked around with bewildered eyes. What was once a full apartment with decoration and furniture everywhere, was now almost empty. A couple pieces of furniture were still in their place, for example the couches and the table, but many shelves were already either in storage, sold, or being shipped to LA. Since Cam’s band was going to be staying at an unfurnished house, Cam offered to bring stuff over. I wouldn’t need any new furniture anyway, there wasn’t any space at Jack’s place.  
  
“You guys packed up so much already!” Jack gasped as he looked at the walls made out of cardboard boxes.  
  
“Well,” I looked up at him and smiled, “there was this plan where I would have to start moving tomorrow, and hopefully have everything out of this place.”  
  
He let out a groan and closed his eyes out of frustration, “I forgot we were going to do all that tomorrow! I’m going to be so tired!”  
  
I let out a giggle and put my hand on his chest, giving him a soft kiss on his jawline. “We can still sleep in, there’s no rush.”  
  
This caused Jack to smirk down at me before capturing my lips with his. His left hand went down to the small of my back, pressing me further up against his body. I let my hand trail up his chest before I finally linked it with my other arm behind his neck. Our bodies moved ever closer when Jack added his other hand to my waist as well. Things were getting pretty heated pretty fast, but I had missed this too much to stop him. All I wanted was him to-  
  
“Ok!” Cam came in the room clapping his hands loudly to scare us. “Break it up! No sex in the living room!”  
  
I grabbed the nearest object around me, which happened to be a banana -- Jack and I had somehow managed to walk closer to the table while heavily making out -- and threw it right at Cam. He shrieked, avoiding the flying fruit by just an inch and glared at me. I just laughed, sat on the table, pulled Jack closer to me by wrapping my legs around his waist, and hid my face in his chest. His hands went straight to my hair, stroking and running his fingers through it, while kissing the top of my head occasionally. It was moments like this that I tried to cherish most: the fun ones, the cute ones, and the loving ones.  
  
“I think Cameron’s right,” Jack whispered to me while I drew shapes on his back. “We shouldn’t have sex in the living room. I’d much rather cuddle with you.”  
  
I rested my chin on his chest so I could stare up at him. “Jack Barakat turning down sex? I never thought I’d witness that in my life.”  
  
“Well, you just did.” He picked me up easily and shuffled to one of the couches, laying me down on one before climbing behind me and wrapping his arms around me tightly.  
  
It was that moment that I realised that this relationship was very serious to Jack. This wasn’t just some joke or some fun that he was having, he was in it for the long run. And maybe, just maybe, I was too.


	53. The Not So Great Move

Somehow Jack and I managed to pack all my boxes into the van and put them all inside of his house before the clock showed 6pm. It might not sound that impressive, but it _really_ was considering we woke up at 1pm. Yep, we slept until that late. You might ask why. Well, I can tell it wasn’t because of certain activities, because, trust me, they didn’t happen. Cam would always seem to find a way to interrupt when things started to get heated. The sole reason why we slept in was simply we were both just exhausted; Jack because of tour and me because of the whole treatment situation going on.  
  
Speaking of which, I hadn’t actually gotten any of the side effects of the chemo yet. Sure, I occasionally felt nauseous, but that hadn’t gotten too bad. It didn’t cause me to have to throw up. I also was tired a lot, but that wasn’t any different as it was still very likely just to be from the leukemia. Oh, and apparently your memory could be affected, but I couldn't tell the difference between what could be caused by the chemo and just having a brain that sucks at remembering.  
  
Anyway, Jack had managed to somehow put our whole adventure on Snapchat. That boy was seriously addicted to the app and even convinced me to get a personal account so he could send me random pictures at random times. But on this day, he basically took photos and videos of us loading in and loading out cardboard moving boxes. It was weird, his fans loved anything he put up. It was pretty strange, actually. They were even happy if I was in the photo, but it also gave them something to bitch about. There were a couple of fans that did stand up for me, but others just wanted to bring me down. However, since I got rid of my twitter account, I barely noticed any of it anymore.  
  
All the boxes were piled up in the living room and Jack suggested we continue with it the next day, but I knew there was no way that was going to happen. We would just keep procrastinating and the boxes would still be standing there when Jack left again for tour. So, I told him that we had to at least bring all the boxes to the rooms where they belonged. But yeah… we couldn’t do that without doing weird things in between. Taco was still in her carrier and she looked pretty adorable and I just couldn’t leave the opportunity to sing a song.  
  
I danced weirdly around the carrier that was placed on a couple of boxes, causing me to be at eye level of the kitten, “ _taco cat, taco cat, does whatever a taco cat does. Can she act like a cat? No, because she’s a taco. Taco cat_!” She let out a high pitched meow right at the end of my singing as if on cue. I turned around and saw Jack recording me, of course to put on his Snapchat story. Instead of getting mad at him I started laughing, really not caring if anybody saw. I was weird and if people didn’t like that, they could deal with it themselves.  
  
Jack wrapped his arms around me while I let the small cat sniff my fingers through the metal bars. “You know, I still don’t like cats.”  
  
“You’ll like this one.” I grinned and put my hands over Jack’s as if I didn’t know what would be coming next.  
  
He leaned down, letting his breath tickle my neck before carefully placing kisses towards my shoulder. “I’ll like it for you.”  
  
I craned my neck to give him more access. “I promise you, you and Taco will be inseparable in a couple of weeks.”  
  
“I know I already can’t keep my hands off of you.” His hands slipped underneath my shirt and trailed over my bare skin softly, exploring as if he had never been able to do it before.  
  
“How about I go take a shower now and then we go take a break and watch a movie. Afterwards we can finish off the last boxes,” I proposed, feeling sweaty and sticky from all the heavy lifting we had to do.  
  
“Can I join?” he whispered while going to kiss my sweet spot behind my ear, but I stopped him before he could.  
  
“Nope,” I giggled and ran out of his grip, towards the upstairs bathroom. If we were going to go further in that direction I wouldn’t have been able to stop anymore, and we would never have finished moving everything. We would have a lot more time for sex later on, especially since I knew Jack would drop anything he was doing just to get some.  
  
Jack groaned loudly and I could only expect him to have plopped down onto the couch. “I got cockblocked by my own goddamn shower!”  
  
Already stripping off my clothes and turning on the water, I shouted back, “You know, I could always pleasure myself-”  
  
“Don’t you fucking dare!”  
  
I chuckled and shook my head while I closed the bathroom door. The water washed away the disgusting feeling and I got to use some soap that didn’t smell manly and masculine. Since I had been staying here so often, Jack’s bathroom had a couple of girl products in it, only soap and shampoo, though. And of course there were the occasional bobby pins or hair ties. But I didn’t really need much more for when I was staying here. Now, though, that changed since I was permanently going to be using this bathroom.  
  
I smiled at the fact that Jack and I officially lived together now. It was going to be weird and different, and there was definitely going to be some getting used to, but I was still excited nonetheless. So, I got out of the shower, only having taken a really short one, and wrapped a towel around myself. My hair wasn’t wet, so I just walked into the bedroom only to realise that I didn’t have anything to change into. There was no way I was going to run downstairs to get the suitcase with some of my clothes in just a towel; I would have to run past Jack, and a horny Jack and me being nearly naked would not go well if I actually wanted to finish this shit. Instead, I opened his closet and looked if there was anything of mine in there.  
  
Surprisingly I actually found some panties that were definitely mine, and I did not know how they even were in here; I probably left them once when I actually brought clothes to change into. He also had a couple of my shirts, but I decided I was too lazy to put on a bra again and instead only put on one of Jack’s zip-up hoodies, zipping it up so nothing was showing too much. A bit of cleavage was still fine though.  
  
I hopped back down the stairs and found Jack still on the couch, already having a movie ready to play. At least we wouldn’t have to go through the difficult decision of what we wanted to watch anymore. It would either turn into us arguing about who had to choose, or about who had the better movie choice.  
  
“Are you seriously going to wear that around me?” Jack whined while not even trying to hide the fact that he was taking turns at looking at my boobs and my butt. “My dick, which has been sex deprived, can’t handle that!”  
  
“Shut up,” I laughed and sat on the couch as well, cuddling up against him, “I actually didn’t know you had some of my underwear, so I could also have been here practically naked.”  
  
“I regret keeping those panties, then.” He said in a matter of fact voice before starting the movie and telling me he had somehow managed to let Taco in the downstairs bathroom, where she was going to stay until she thought of it as a safe place.  
  
The movie was some weird comedy movie. Jack seemed really into it, but I just couldn’t understand what was happening. It wasn’t because I didn’t get the humour because whenever I actually figured out what was happening in a scene, I knew what was funny...but I had this weird pain in my stomach that would stay for some time before suddenly disappearing. At first I managed to deal with it, but whenever it hit me again a little while later, it would just get worse. I was actually pretty good at hiding it, because Jack didn’t seem to realise, but then I let out a groan as the pain started up again. It literally felt like somebody was stabbing me.  
  
Jack’s mood changed completely when he looked down at me. “Are you ok?”  
  
I nodded and rubbed my stomach, hoping it would help ease the pain a bit. “Just a stomach ache.”  
  
“You know,” he shifted a bit so he was more in a more comfortable position so that he could also look at me, “If you have to use the bathroom, you should. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”  
  
“What?” I laughed and sat up so I could look at him if he was actually being serious.  
  
And, yes, he was, “I just thought that maybe that that might be the reason why you have a stomach ache. I mean, you never fart around me, while I do it a lot, so I thought you might be embarrassed about it and I don’t want you to be.”  
  
“I literally was on tour with you for quite a while not that long ago. Do you seriously think I’m embarrassed about all that stuff while spending days with basically only guys in a cramped up space? Plus, you sometimes made my bathroom inaccessible for a couple of hours because of what you did in there. Seriously, it’s not that,” I grinned at him, thinking it was pretty funny he actually thought it could be that.  
  
“Really?” He double checked, still doubting my answer. “Prove it, then.”  
  
“Prove it? Do you want me to take a shit on the carpet or something?”  
  
“Yeah. Wait, no, don’t take a shit on the carpet… but do prove it.”  
  
Ok, so, if you hadn’t realised Jack was weird, you would have realised now. He was literally asking me to fart on command in front of him. If you don’t think that was weird, then I don’t know what you do think is weird. Of course Jack and I basically talked about everything, but this just went a whole step further.  
  
“You want me to fart, like, right now?” I still took it more like a joke. “But I don’t have to!”  
  
“Fart for me woman!” He screamed. It was moments like this that I was happy we were at his house and not in (what used to be) my apartment. Neighbours would just think weird stuff; maybe they’d even think we were having some weirdass sex or something. But here, the neighbours either couldn’t hear, or they were so used to it, they just didn’t care anymore.  
  
But I still wanted him to shut up, so I did it. I wasn’t embarrassed about it, so why shouldn’t I do it? However, Jack wasn’t satisfied with it. Let’s just say it wasn’t exactly a fart, rather than a toot. I mean, I couldn’t do anything else at that moment. But, as said before, Jack wasn’t happy, so he decided it would be a good idea to show me what he meant. And, oh my God, did it smell bad.  
  
I covered my nose and ran away. “Oh God, Jack, why!”  
  
“So, I can watch your ass jiggle while you run!” He was totally doing exactly as he was saying, I could just feel it.  
  
“How about you help me bring some of these boxes upstairs so you can see it while I walk in front of you. Isn’t that the reason why guys always let girls go in front when going up the stairs?” I looked at the boxes, trying to figure out which ones to take this time.  
  
“Only because you just gave me that great idea,” Jack sighed, getting off of the couch and cracking his bones before joining me, choosing which boxes we should take. “Let’s bring these boxes to the bedroom.”  
  
He checked which one was heavier and handed me the lighter one. We went up the stairs and Jack kept making comments about my ass the entire time. It was like it was the only thing on his mind at that moment, like his brain just shut off and could only focus on my behind. At least he didn’t slap it, because that would have totally made me jump and fall off the stairs… _trust me_ … it happened before, before our relationship even started. It was painful to say the least.  
  
I turned on the light in the room and put my box against the far wall, while Jack put his closer to the door. It was mostly more clothes and other weird things I had in these boxes, and most of the weird stuff was probably going to be thrown away but I still brought it all along with me.  
  
I was about to go downstairs again and was going to tell Jack, when he was suddenly standing in front of me. Before I could even open my mouth to say what I wanted to say, his lips were pressed against mine. This time there was no way I was going to stop it, my stomach ache long gone, and we had done enough work for today. At first, we were just making out in the middle of the room, both wanting to have it go even further, but then Jack took initiative. He pushed me back until my back hit something hard. I was about to question what he was doing, when he suddenly lifted me and put me on the dresser I didn’t know was behind me. The kiss was not broken, but now Jack’s hands were able to explore my body a lot more freely. I pulled him closer by wrapping my legs around waist, just wanting him to take the few garments of clothing I had on off.  
  
“My dick is definitely liking where this is going,” Jack pulled away for a bit to catch his breath and look me in the eyes. If it weren’t for the comment, I would have said it was pretty romantic.  
  
I looked down and smirked at the bulge that had started to form in his jeans. This boy was so consistently horny. “I can see.”  
  
“Now I just hope there aren’t any objects in this house that will try to cockblock me again...” He started twiddling with the zipper of the hoodie I was wearing, silently asking for permission to take it off.  
  
I bit my lip and indirectly gave him permission. “Not that I know of.”  
  
He started to slowly pull the metal contraption down, “Good-”  
  
And the doorbell rang. Of course the fucking doorbell would ring now. That was just how things worked for us. Whenever things started to get serious, whether it be sexual or actually talking wise, we would somehow manage to get interrupted. It was actually pretty annoying. All we wanted was to get intimate, but somehow the universe wasn’t allowing it.  
  
“I’ll go,” Jack sighed and reached into his jeans, doing a weird thing that hid his boner, “You’re practically naked, I don’t want some crazy guy kidnapping you.”  
  
“I’m afraid that has already happened,” I grinned at him before giving him a quick peck. “Be quick though.”  
  
“I don’t want to keep my lady waiting...” He winked before turning around and disappearing down the stairs.  
  
I waited for a while where I was already seated when I realised that was pretty weird. It would look like I was some creepy doll waiting for Jack to come so I could murder him. So, I jumped off and sat down on the bed instead. To say it was awkward, was really an understatement. I was fumbling around with my hands while hoping to hear anything that would tell me that Jack was coming back. But it just stayed quiet. Although it had only been five minutes, I went to investigate.  
  
When downstairs I heard Jack’s voice, and I was about to go to him, when I realised the door to the bathroom was open. Well, shit. The damn cat figured out how to open a door! Never had I ever scanned the entire living room as fast as I did then, when I suddenly saw the figure rushing towards the front door. I ran after her and managed to grab her just before she reached the small hallway at the front door. But leaning over while running isn’t such a good idea. I crashed into the wall, hitting one of the frames with many passes from the tours Jack had been on. Not wanting to let that break, I dropped Taco, and instead held onto the frame before it hit the floor. Everything still somehow managed to make loud crashes.  
  
“Everything ok in there?” Jack looked back and asked.  
  
“Grab the cat!” I shouted and pointed at the animal that was running really fast, all while trying to figure out how to put the frame back on the wall.  
  
“I don’t know how to!” Jack screeched back as the cat was nearing him.  
  
I exhaled loudly and carefully tried putting the frame on the floor, while leaning it against the wall to keep it up right. It seemed to work, but as I ran after Taco again, I could literally hear it slide down before hitting the floor, the sound of glass breaking pretty evident. Luckily, however, I managed to grab our pet just before she stepped outside. That was a really close call.  
  
I finally had the time to chuckle in relief, I really did not want to have this cat get lost on the first day living with Jack. He was looking at me with crazy eyes, really confused about what had just happened. All I could do was roll my eyes. “She somehow managed to figure out how to open doors…”  
  
“Cat’s can do that?” Jack sounded amazed while giving the kitty an approving look.  
  
“Apparently,” It was only now that I remembered that somebody was at the door and that I was almost completely naked. Well, fuck. I flashed a quick smile at the two teenage girls standing at our door. I didn’t know who they were or why they were here, but they both had their phones out. Before I could embarrass myself any further, I walked back inside casually, acting like nothing had happened.  
  
I quickly put Taco back in the bathroom, making sure to give her some treats so she wouldn’t hate me and closed the door. But I wasn’t going to be fooled this time. Since the bathroom could only be locked from the inside, I used the zipper of the hoodie to turn around the lock; a trick I had learned in elementary school whenever Cam would manage to get himself locked in the bathroom.  
  
Before going back upstairs I checked out the damage I did on the frame. The glass was completely shattered, but I wasn’t going to dare touch it right now, afraid I would get glass on the floor while I was in bare feet. I made a mental note to buy Jack a new frame, and went back to our bedroom, waiting for him to come back.  
  
About five minutes later he returned, looking completely shocked. “I think we might need to move.”  
  
“Why?” I asked, already tired from only doing my stuff, really not wanting to do anymore.  
  
“Those girls were fans, and I really don’t know how to find out where we live. This happened to Alex before, but I never thought it would happen to me! But that’s a story for tomorrow...” He waltzed over to me. “Now, where were we?”  
  
“Still in the mood?” I asked him, really not feeling like it myself anymore.  
  
“Well, you see, my boner was almost completely gone, because teenage girls and stuff, that’s just weird, but then you came leaning over, and it just all rushed back.” He took this time to also take off his jeans, showing an obvious tent happening in his boxers.  
  
“I would totally have sex with you…” I told him, feeling pretty guilty. “but I’m really not up for it anymore and my stomach ache is coming back. You’re allowed to take a shower and jack off, though, if you want.”  
  
“Really?” Jack pouted, causing me to nod. “Okay, I’m not going to force you into doing something you don’t want to do. But I am totally going to take that shower you offered.”  
  
After that he disappeared into the bathroom. I was about to change, when the door suddenly swung open again and Jack stood there completely naked and proud. If it weren’t for the fact that the pain was getting worse, I would have blushed and totally have gotten turned on.  
  
“Are you sure you don’t want to join me?” He tried one more time.  
  
“Yes,” I nodded and tried my best not to have my eyes travel down and away from his face. “Plus, I really don’t think I have enough experience to do it in the shower.”  
  
“I would totally go all missionary style on you,” he smirked, but when he realised I wasn’t going to change my mind, he tried something else. “Okay, fine, can you at least give me something to masturbate to?”  
  
I sighed and pulled down the zipper of the hoodie before shrugging it off. Jack’s eyes went wide, probably not expecting me to actually do anything, and he just started for a solid minute or so. I raised my eyebrows at him, but he seemed to be too captivated.  
  
“Ok, thanks,” he slammed the bathroom door shut and I could help but shake my head at him.  
  
While he was in there doing god knows what, I put on my pajamas -- a simple white shirt and some thin gray sweatpants -- before curling up as a ball on the bed, just hoping for the pain to disappear.


	54. Groaning With So Much Pain

I woke up to Jack kissing my cheek, slightly shaking me as he whispered, “Baby, wake up.”

It took me a while to open my eyes slightly and realise I actually managed to stay on my side of the bed the entire night. After Jack’s ‘shower’ he found me still curled up on the bed in pain. He offered me painkillers, but I wasn’t going to take them. With the amount of medication I already had to take, I only wanted to take painkillers if it was actually necessary and I felt like I was about to die. So, instead, we allocated who was going to sleep on which side, and then cuddled up together. Jack had his hands on my stomach, trying to help ease the pain, while I tried to close my eyes and sleep. I probably should have accepted the painkillers, since the pain didn’t get any better.

“Isle,” Jack kissed my cheek once again, continuing the soft shaking as he'd yet to realize that I had (sort of) woken up.

I let out a small groan, just wanting to fall back asleep before I mumbled out, “What?”

“I think you might have started your period.” He told me calmly, stroking some hair out of my face.

“What!” I shot up straight and saw that there was indeed a big red stain on the sheets, meaning it was probably also on my pants. “Shit! I’m so so sorry!” I started to take off the sheets while I continued to freak out. I know was just talking about how I wasn’t embarrassed about anything around Jack, but scratch that. This was even worse than just simply embarrassing; I had basically ruined his sheet the first day I lived with him! Wasn’t that just great?

“Hey, hey, calm down,” Jack stopped me and was about to continue, but I was worrying too much.

I was rushing around the bed to get the sheet of fully, hoping the blood hadn’t seeped through to the mattress, “This is going to be impossible to get out! I’m so sorry! I should have known!”

“Isle, baby, stop.” He was suddenly next to me and I watched in shock as he ripped the sheets from my hands and took them himself. “Why don’t you just take a nice long hot shower, and I’ll wash this? You can’t do anything about it, it happens. I’m not disgusted, so stop freaking out.”

“But-”

“No. Now, go take that shower while I clean this up.” He gave me a quick short kiss before walking out of the room and towards where the washing machine was placed.

I took my time to look around in each of the boxes to find tampons and some clothes to change into. Jack was acting like it was no big deal, but I couldn't help but feel ashamed of it all. I should have know it was coming because of my stomach aches and the fact that I was due any time anyway. Yes, I know, I said I rarely got cramps, but I did say rarely. If I did, however, it would be bad. And now was apparently that time, which sucked. And when I retreated to the bathroom and went to the toilet, it was all confirmed even more. It was already really bad when I had cramps, but the chemotherapy and the leukemia just made it all so much more worse. I probably hadn’t bled that much ever in my life. Everything about it was just a nightmare.

This was just so fucking embarrassing.

I quickly stripped off all my clothes and managed to get out the blood stain in my pants with cold water and a tiny bit of soap, before rushing to the shower and cleaning the gross mess that I was. The warm water just begged me to never leave, so that was my plan. Standing there, I let the water fall onto me and roll down my body. It was comforting and-

There was a knock on the door before it slightly opened. Jack was standing there, but with his back towards me like PE teachers would do in elementary school if the kids would take too long to get changed. He probably knew I wasn’t comfortable with him just watching me. “Hey, baby? I’m going out to buy us some breakfast...do you need me to get you anything else?”

I was about to tell him that I was fine and didn’t need anything, when I realised I totally did. There was no way any of this would go well without it, “Umm… actually, can you, uh, maybe get me some, uh, tampons and pads?”

“Don’t you already have those?” He sounded genuinely confused, still not turning around to look at me.

“Well, yeah, but I need a different kind.” I explained hoping he would understand and that I wouldn’t have to go into anymore detail. This was weird enough.

He stayed silent for a while before speaking up. “There’s different kinds?”

“Yes,” I sighed, having forgotten he was a boy and probably didn’t know how all of this worked, because sex-ed was shitty. To be honest I really didn’t feel like lecturing him, but I knew it had to happen if I actually wanted him to get what I wanted. “All girls bleed differently, so there’s products that absorb more blood than others. Normally, I’m not too bad in that department, but all this medical shit had just made it really bad. So, basically I need something that can absorb more blood. Then there’s also pads and tampons. I like to use tampons during the day, but pads during the night because I’m a lazy fuck and don’t want to get up too often.”

“Oh,” was all Jack could reply. He probably didn’t know what to do with all this new information.

“Yeah,” I mumbled back, now feeling very stupid for telling him all that. “You probably didn’t need to know all that…”

“No...” He shook his head while still seeming a bit dazed and trying to process everything. “I’m just trying to remember everything you told me so I don’t screw up. How do I know which are which?”

“Oh my God, Jack.” I groaned, not really blaming him, but also already fed up with explaining. Told you it was going to be worse, mood swings that I never had were already present. “Can’t you just figure it out or something?”

“I’ve never done this before!” He defended himself and opened the door a bit wider, causing his voice to sound louder. “I don’t know how it all works!”

“Seriously? I do it almost every other month, it really isn’t that difficult! Can’t you just do it for once? Or can’t you do a simple task like this?” This really was unlike me, but I couldn’t help but get mad at him for something he didn’t even know about. It really wasn’t his fault, but I couldn’t stop the words flying out of my mouth.

For some reason Jack also seemed to get frustrated faster than usual, though it might have been my tone of voice that caused him to do this. “I’m sorry, Isle, but I don’t know how all that shit works and what it all looks like. If you actually want me to fucking get the right stuff for you, you’re going to have to fucking tell me what you fucking need!”

“Just forget about it then!” I shouted back at him, really being stubborn now.

“Fine!” He slammed the door shut and the sound echoed throughout the whole bathroom. Soon after that tears started streaming down my face.

Well, that escalated quickly.

\----

In the shower I had totally realised that I was acting stupid, but I couldn’t help it and continued to cry. This wasn’t normal for me. Normally I would be the girl you wouldn’t even notice was on her period except for the more frequent bathroom trips, but sometimes, about 3 times a year, I would be the worst. I couldn’t control my emotions anymore, I would have terrible cramps, and all I wanted to eat was chocolate and ice cream. It really was bad.

After crying for about another ten minutes I decided to get out, change into some comfortable clothes, which consisted of a simple gray t-shirt and gym shorts because I didn’t feel like wearing normal pants. I let Taco out of the bathroom before curling up on the couch. I was just sitting there with my knees pulled up to my chest, a pillow being hugged tightly to my body, while Taco slept soundly next to me. Somehow she managed to get comfortable pretty easily. I, meanwhile, was just worried about my major screwed up. Did that mean that I would start to cry again? Yes. Yes it definitely did.

The front door opened a while after that. My tears had dried up by then, but my face still felt crusty and my eyes were probably still burning red. I slowly turned my head to see who was there even though I knew it could only be one person. I saw Jack kick off his shoes, four plastic bags in his hands. He smiled at me, but I could only pout back.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled and could already feel tears building up again, causing my voice to shake a tiny bit, but not significantly.

“It’s okay.” Jack whispered, giving me a smile that was supposed to cheer me up, before leaning down to give me a quick peck on the lips, “I’m sorry too...I know you can’t really do anything about it. But, I got some help by texting my sister so I hope I got you the right stuff.” He proceeded to hand me one of the bags and I took a quick peek inside, seeing everything I needed.

After thanking him, I went to go stand up so I could go upstairs and use the bathroom but Jack stopped me to give me something else. “Oh, wait!” he reached into one of the other bags and grabbed a box of ibuprofen. “She also told me to give you this.”

“You have a great sister.” I grinned, mentally thanking her as well because I totally forgot about taking painkillers to reduce the cramps.

“She was pretty proud of me.” He nodded like he had made a big accomplishment. “Trust me, I have never ever done anything like this before. So, not only was I able to care for you, but I also got my sister to praise me for it.”

“Keep going on like that, and I might actually consider marrying you.” I smiled before giving him a kiss that lasted a bit longer than the one he gave me. He stiffened up a bit, but chuckled nonetheless. I giggled to myself and ran upstairs.


	55. New Experiences and Surprises

It was a couple of days later and Jack and I were getting ready to go to the concert my brother had been freaking out about for ages now. He was afraid he was going to mess up the lyrics, maybe play the wrong chords, or even slip up during a riff. Even though he had been up on stage before, this was still very nerve wrecking. The venue they were playing at, which was one Jack knew very well, was sold out completely. Even when extra tickets were being sold, they were gone in no time. This was the fastest one of their concerts had ever sold out. It was a big deal to my brother and John, but even bigger to the two other guys. I hadn’t met them yet, but I did know they both came from small bands that rarely got gigs. This must have been like an impossible dream for them. But here they were, the four of them together in a band, playing at one of the bigger venues with no tickets left to buy. _Even_ the VIP tickets had all been bought. I mean, how great is that?! I could only imagine how excited they were about kids wanting to listen to them, and only them.  
  
Ok, so back to Jack and I getting ready. That was sort of a lie. It was only Jack really getting ready, while I was still in bed groaning. I was still having cramps, and wasn’t looking forward to being around my brother for hours straight. He always found ways to make fun of me when I was like this which only made everything a whole lot worse. Luckily for me though, Jack wasn’t one of those people and tried his best not to say or do the wrong things. Weirdly enough we didn’t have any more fights out of nowhere that escalated in no time. That would have gone completely wrong.  
  
I turned around on my side to see Jack walk out of the bathroom with still only a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was dried and styled in his usual slightly spiked up hair. “When are we leaving again?”  
  
“In 45 minutes.” Jack said casually while going through all his clothes, dropping his towel and putting on some boxers.  
  
“That means I should probably actually take a shower and shit...” I groaned and tried sitting up before giving up and letting my head fall back into the pillows. “I don’t want to.”  
  
“Come _on_...” He shuffled over to me while putting on a shirt. Without any time to ask him what he was going to do, he grabbed my hands and literally pulled me out of the bed and all the way to the bathroom. I was grumbling the entire time, but as soon as he turned on the water and actually started taking my clothes off for me, I quickly jumped awake.  
  
“Okay, okay,” I ushered him out of the bathroom and did the rest of it myself. Even though Jack and I didn’t fight, I did not necessarily want him to see me naked. I couldn’t be the only one like that, right?  
  
When in the shower, I suddenly realised that Jack had told me we only had 45 minutes. Yes, I could get ready in way less time, but I still wanted time to get some food before we left. If I didn’t hurry up, I wouldn’t get to do that anymore. And I _needed_ food, it was a must. So, thinking about all the cereal and other food we had in the kitchen, I quickly finished off my shower before rushing to quickly put on some eye makeup, dry my hair, and put on some clothes Cameron would approve of. It was basically like one of those events your parents would drag you to as a child or teenager and they would disapprove everything you wanted to wear. I did not need that happening today. So what better way was there than to wear clothes he gave me? [Black jeans, red high top converse, and an army green jacket it was.](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=197649604)  
  
When I decided there was nothing else I could do about the mess I was, I ran downstairs as fast as I could. All I wanted was some food, was that really a crime? Fortunately, Jack was already getting a bowl of cereal ready for himself. I just walked past him and grabbed a spoon before stealing his bowl and sitting at the kitchen table to eat it. Just because I was hungry did not necessarily mean that I was actually feeling like making something to eat.  
  
“That was mine.” Jack pointed at the bowl, which I was greedily eating out of, as if I hadn’t even realised.  
  
I stuffed some more in my mouth, causing me to have to speak to him with half my mouth full. “Now it’s mine.”  
  
He pouted at me, giving me the cutest puppy dog face I had ever seen. “But I like _cooookie_ crisp.”  
  
“I do too.” I tried my best to ignore the look he was giving me; I was way too hungry to give in to the sad face. If I caved in once, I would always cave in, and Jack would use that to his advantage  
  
“But that was the last of it.” He continued to bat his eyelashes while secretly making a plan to somehow get the bowl back while there was still enough for him in it.  
  
However, I totally recognized the gaze he gave the bowl, and clutched onto it so he would literally have to pry my fingers off of it, but at the same time the look was really getting to me. So, I gave in and sighed, “I guess we can share it.”  
  
Jack immediately perked up and suddenly managed to make a spoon magically appear from behind his back. That sneaky little fucker already had a whole plan to get to breakfast back. But then again, _this was Jack we were talking about_ ; he probably was planning on threatening me with that harmless metal utensil.  
  
\---  
  
After being in the car for a whole five minutes, we had to drive back home because we forgot the backstage passes. Then, backstage passes in hand, we drove all the way to the venue with barely any traffic. We were hit by a couple of fans that were waiting to enter and recognized Jack. I waited while inevitably more of them realised it was Jack from All Time Low and also wanted their selfies with the guitarist. It was bound to happen. In this genre, kids who listened to the ‘smaller’ bands, would also know about the bigger bands. I mean, who wouldn’t take the chance to get a photo taken with one of their idols? At least the fans here didn’t hate me as much. Those who followed the band before they broke up, knew about me and what I was like. I would go to the Baltimore shows whenever they played here, and back then things were a lot more personal than now. So, I met a lot of fans that were obsessed with my brother’s music. These were the fans that stood up against the ones that hated on my just for dating Jack. However, I still wasn’t asked for as many selfies as Jack.  
  
Only when I got a text from Cameron saying that he needed us to come _now,_ did Jack and I say goodbye to everybody. After the security guard at the back of the venue checked our backstage passes and double checked my ID, we finally got to go inside. I was lucky to have Jack with me, because he knew exactly where the stage was. If I were all by myself I probably would have gotten lost since there were only signs places every couple of turns. As soon as we neared the place we needed to be, I could hear Cameron’s voice booming through the speakers, making some _very_ cheesy jokes. Oh what great humour he had.  
  
When Cam saw me standing side stage he grinned before shouting out my name, causing the speakers to buzz from the noise level. “You’re finally here!” He continued to rush over to me, taking his blue guitar off and handing it to me. “Can you tune this?”  
  
I chuckled in a confused state, still taking the guitar from him nonetheless. “Don’t you have a guitar tech to do that?”  
  
“Usually, yes,” He jumped around hyperly, excited to play on stage again, “But he had a family emergency and couldn't make it. And Charlie’s guitar tech is freaking the _fuck_ out because the guitar case fell over, messing up some of them and breaking some of the strings. We are basically fucked.”  
  
I rolled my eyes and got to work. Jack was also completely useless; All Time Low had fancy guitars that wouldn’t go out of tune, and if they did they had guitar techs to do the job, so he was basically as clueless as Cam was. Even though I only had, as Cam would say, six guitars I had to tune, I immediately got more jobs. It was like I was just another one of their roadies, which fucking sucked (no offense to any roadies out there). I was fine with helping a bit, but I was running around more than anybody here. And Jack just got to watch! _I_ was the one here that was terminally ill!  
  
“Field, I need you to soundcheck that microphone.” He pointed at a microphone with green tape lying on a lonely riser. Finally, a normal request. Thank _God_ for that. Jack didn’t know, but the only reason we actually had to come this early was for me to soundcheck that one fucking microphone, not for everything else I had been forced to do.  
  
So, I picked up the microphone while still sorting out the guitar picks, seeing which ones were whose, while Cam started off the song with the others (who I still didn’t get to fucking meet, because I was all over the place the entire time). After I recognized which song was playing, I started singing in the chorus, just like in the recording. Cam and I always sang along to _Not That Beautiful_ by Papa Roach, so I didn’t have any problem with the lyrics. I had to keep running back and forth while singing to give the guys the right picks and stick them to the microphone stand. However, I was lucky enough to be able to finish everything off before the rapping part, meaning I could do that freely.  
  
The sound guy requested for us to do another song, since he didn’t have enough of me singing to get all the levels right. So, the new guitarist, who I figured was called Charlie, because Cameron had called him that before, started off a new song that luckily I knew as well. Maybe having lived around Cam for so long did have a couple of benefits. So, as soon as the girl part came in the song _Not Gonna Die_ by Skillet, I sang as loud as I could. But there was one line that hit me. " _The last thing I heard was_ y _ou whispering goodbye, and then I heard you flat line."_ That could be us. I could be dying while Cam was witnessing everything, and that thought made me shiver. He would never deserve to see me die, I could not do that to him.  
  
So, not wanting to speed up the possibility of that process, I put down the microphone again, first checking if everything was ok sound check wise. After that I announced that I was going to take a nap, dragging Jack along with me to the dressing room. Everybody laughed at me, thinking I was joking, but I was being very serious. I just wasn’t able to so much anymore, my energy drained in no time and I still wanted -- no, I _needed_ \-- to be able to make it through the whole show.  
  
\----  
  
Yes, I took that nap. It helped a _lot_. And, yes, I did get to meet the rest of the band. I was right; the guitarist was indeed called Charlie. He was actually pretty good looking. He had brown hair that was a bit longer on the top, combed back, a scruffy stubble similar to Jack's, and very simple auburn eyes. But, like I had confessed to Jack weeks before, I didn’t actually feel anything for the guy. I just knew so many teenage girls would swoon over him, especially since he really wasn’t the shyest guy around. And then there was also the new drummer, Carter, who had a totally different physique. Girl were probably also going to freak out over him, but rather than have a body like Charlie, who was pretty ripped, he was tall and not as buff.  
  
But watching the four guys playing on stage was amazing. The two pairs had only known each other for a couple of months, but they already played and acted like they had been best friends forever, not two guys joining a band that already had two people in it. I couldn’t even imagine them meeting each other a while ago, in an office, maybe only having met each other once before getting a record deal.  
  
John’s wife and daughter decided to join us and watch as well. Usually, I would stay backstage with Emily and look after her, while Trisha would be able to watch the show. I liked babysitting, and Trisha deserved to have a break once in awhile so I really didn’t mind doing it. However, Emily actually got to watch as well this time, though she did have earmuffs on so the sound wouldn’t ruin her ears. I held her high on my shoulders so she could have a good view of her father playing on the opposite side of the stage, while Trisha and I were singing along loudly. Jack didn’t know any of the lyrics, and he could only laugh when we were belting along the lyrics to their song _Breaking Ground_. It was still fun, but I knew Jack was so going to make fun of me screaming the same words as the brother was singing.  
  
And then they had played 12 songs already. One of the crew members came over and clipped a sound box to my jeans. I put in the in-ear monitors while Jack was giving me a confused and worried look. He probably hadn’t figured out that me soundchecking that microphone actually had a significance. The band finished the previous song and everybody but Cam and John came off stage, waiting on the other side.  
  
I looked down at Emily, who seemed to infatuated by all the people walking around, “I’m going to have to give you back to your mom.”  
  
“No!” She pouted and complained.  
  
“I can’t take you out on stage with me,” I told her guiltily before sneakily adding, “Unless you want me to, of course.”  
  
She shook her head furiously, terrified of all the screaming fans and the bright lights. “No. No. No. But I want to be held by Uncle Jacky!”  
  
“Do you now?” I grinned at the name she had already given Jack despite not having known him for that long, and took the microphone somebody was offering me.  
  
She nodded her head, so I handed her to Jack who couldn’t help but grin at the little girl.The mother, who had technically just been rejected, couldn’t help but laugh as well. “Already got the uncle title, Jack? You’ve got to be careful now.”  
  
“I’m not planning on leaving any time soon.” Jack winked at me, causing me to roll my eyes at his cheesiness. He had made it pretty clear on several occasions that he was planning on keeping me forever, so it had basically turned into an inside joke.  
  
And then Cameron started talking through the microphone, making a joke before actually getting into the next part, “I’m pretty surprised I haven’t majorly fucked up and somehow tripped myself yet. But, anyway, my friend John here and I decided to slow it down a bit and play an acoustic song for you guys,” they both had an acoustic guitar in the arms and both had a microphone to sing through. Had I told you yet that John was a pretty decent singer and did all the live backup vocals? “This song is called _Around The World And Back_.”  
  
The first couple of chords sounded through the venue and I could feel the nerves shoot through me. Jack had finally figured out what was going down, and quickly whispered some encouraging words to me. I waited for my cue before stepping out on stage. My heart was beating fast while I waited for the short instrumental part to pass by. And before I even knew it I started singing “ _Been around the world and back this year…_ ”  
  
The crowd sang along, and I couldn’t help but smile at how happy these kids were to be here. It didn’t matter that I was singing a love song with my brother, all that matter was that I was up here, singing our song together. Occasionally, John would do backup vocals for me as well, and sometimes Cam would sing along with me, or I would be singing along with him. I understood why he loved doing this so much; I understood why Jack and any other musicians loved doing this.  
  
We finished off the song and Cameron thanked me before I walked back side stage. I gave back all the equipment given to me, before returning to my friends. Jack grinned widely, very happy with the surprise I had planned. He always wanted me to ‘show off my talent’ or ‘sing with Alex on stage’, and now I did it with my brother. But I was going to keep it at that. I would sign with anybody, but only on stage with Cam right beside me. Knowing those people were there to see my brother somehow comforted me, while All Time Low’s fans made my social anxiety suddenly peak.  
  
“You did great,” Jack whispered in my ear before kissing me softly, Emily squirming around saying kissing was disgusting. But at that moment I did care anymore. This was the happiest I had seen Jack in a while.


	56. Birthday Wishes and a Routine

“ _Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dear Isle. Happy Birthday to you!_ ”   
  
I opened my eyes slowly and stretched so that I could see where the singing was coming from, the sight before me making me grin widely. Jack had entered the bedroom and was standing next to the bed, holding a cupcake with a candle on a plate in one hand and of course, his phone was blatantly recording everything in the other. This was the  _best_ birthday surprise I'd ever had… or that I could remember, anyway. For my last birthday I had just come out of the hospital and I was still getting very used to my new life. As for the other birthdays I remembered, well they were from when I was a kid and all I cared about then, as any other kid would, were the gifts. But right now, getting surprised from Jack like that...I loved it. It was better than any gift in the  _entire_ world.   
  
“I love you.” Jack smiled after he finished singing, handing me the cupcake.   
  
I simpered coyly and tried getting rid of all my hair that had fallen in my face. “I love you too.” Immediately after hearing that, Jack leaned all the way down and lightly planted his lips against mine. I couldn’t help but grin while he pulled away again. “Thank you.”   
  
He stopped recording and I already knew he was putting it on his snapchat story. Living with Jack meant you had to deal with things like that, no acceptions. But, hey, I didn’t mind watching  _this_ moment back as soon as I opened my phone.   
  
“So,” Jack jumped back in bed, our duvet having already long found it’s way to the floor. “I have the whole day planned out. There may  _or_ may not be some gifts downstairs and some more cupcakes your mom baked for us--and before you ask, yes, it’s what I went to pick up yesterday. After that we are going to go out and have brunch on a boat.”   
  
“A boat!” I exclaimed, my eyes going wide, while I put the cupcake on the bedside table for me to eat later without getting crumbs in the bed.   
  
“Yes, you don’t mind them do you?” he started rethinking the entire thing he had planned for my birthday.   
  
“No, I like them, don’t worry.” I sat up more so I could look down at him, running my fingers through his unsettled hair. “'m just surprised with your  _oh-so-romantic_ gesture.”   
  
“Ok, good.” He sighed in relief and took my hand out of his hair so he could place a soft kiss on it. “I’ve been planning this for so long now...you don’t know how difficult it was to keep it from you.”   
  
“You forgot about one thing though,” I pouted, trying to get him to freak out first.   
  
And it seemed to work, because he was racking his brain to figure out what it was. “W _hat_ ! What is it?”   
  
“How long do we have before we leave?” I asked before commencing my plan.   
  
Jack checked the digital clock he had next to his side of the bed. “Two hours, why?”   
  
I didn’t reply with words, and instead smirked before sitting up completely and shuffling over to him more. He asked me again what I was doing, but I just spun myself around so I was now straddling him. Resting one of my hands on his chest, I let myself move forward, causing him to raise his eyebrows, knowing exactly what was about to happen. When our lips touched and his hands traveled to my hips, I could feel his heartbeat speeding up. It was nice to know he did not only have that effect on me, but I had it on him as well. Soon after his hands traveled underneath my shirt, it came off, leaving me half naked and Jack grinning with excitement.   
  
\---   
  
After the  _certain_ activities we did, we took a nice long shower together. And I actually mean just a shower, no other business went on in there. To say it very bluntly, we had sex, then after establishing we were very sticky and sweaty, we decided to take a shower. Simple as that. After that, the dreaded outfit choosing had to happen. Jack told me to dress nicely, but not  _too_ nicely, which just left me confused.  _I didn’t know what that meant!_ So, I just settled on something I knew Jack would like. I mean, a  [mini skirt and a crop top](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=197868233) that looked like a dress when a belt was added would be fine, right? Well, Jack didn’t seem to complain when I joined him downstairs.   
  
“Ok, so this gift will probably confuse you, but I’ll explain it.” He handed me something that felt pretty heavy but not too heavy, making me wonder what it was. Luckily I didn’t have to wait long, because Jack pushed me to open it -- it was like he was more excited for it that I was. When the wrapping paper came off, I was indeed confused. I was holding two boxes, one with a black point and shoot camera, and one that contained a similar camera, but in a brownish green color. This was definitely confusing. Why would I need two point and shoot cameras.   
  
“Care to explain?” I frowned after waiting a while for Jack to clarify the use of these cameras, but not getting anything out of him.   
  
“Ok, so,” he took one of the boxes, very excited to tell me his plan, “I was thinking we could start a youtube channel together. Now, before you ask why, I’ll explain. Well, since I’m gone on tour so often, I thought this would be another way to keep contact with each other, to show specific highlights from our day. And we can start today! Oh, and the kids will also probably like it, because we used to do updates like that ages ago, but we stopped. So it will be fun.”   
  
“Umm, ok,” I looked at him skeptically. “I’m not against the idea or anything, but do you even know how to edit?”   
  
“No, but I’m guessing you do.” He stated like it was very obvious.   
  
“Well, yeah, but-”   
  
“Exactly! It will be fun! You can work on it during those long boring hospital visits, if you have enough energy. And I’ll be able to see your face and hear your voice more clearly than through FaceTime when I’m on tour. If it doesn’t work out, we can always stop.” He continued to try convincing me.   
  
“And there’s no legal problems?” I double checked before I agreed to anything. “Like with a contract or something stating you can’t post your own things unless checked with management, or it has to be on their channel?”   
  
“That’s why we love hopeless, we can actually do our own things.”   
  
“Ok, fine,” I agreed to his whole plan, before realizing another thing that could go wrong, “but you do know I’ll probably get a lot of hate again, right?”   
  
“That’s how I actually came to this idea. I wanted to make a video to address it all, but then I thought of how stupid it would be to only have one video when we can document so many more things!” Jack continued to elaborate his amazing plan that was supposed to make everything better.   
  
“Ok, but I’m taking the brown one!”   
  
We proceeded to open both of the boxes and charge the cameras before we left the house and got in the car. Of course Blink-182 was blasting through the speakers and of course Jack was singing along, that was just how it worked. So, since Jack told me to get as much footage as possible, that we could sort it all out later, I recorded him singing. It was funny, so why not? However, when he realised what I was doing, he suddenly stopped and started laughing. Luckily, he didn’t get mad, there were so many people that would get so angry in situations like this. The rest of the car ride, Jack was afraid to open his mouth again.   
  
When we finally found a parking spot in the busy city, we still had to walk a pretty long way to the harbour. The sun was beaming down on us, and my hand was most likely sweating profusely in Jack’s grip, but he didn’t seem to mind. Over time he had gotten used to the fact that my hands were basically always clammy, which I was happy about. I had so many bad stories about things that would happen when I was still a child, you could say I was traumatized. However, the sun was so bright and so warm already, and that didn’t really go well with the fact that I had had chemo the day before. I suddenly stopped in my tracks and quickly reached into my bag, hoping I wasn’t too late. With no water around, I had to swallow the pills dry, leaving a horrible taste in my mouth.   
  
“Is everything ok?” Jack asked worriedly when he realised our fingers were no longer intertwined and I wasn’t walking next to him.   
  
“Yeah,” I nodded and went to hold his hand again, “just a bit nauseous. I hope I took the medication on time, or I might have to fake seasickness.”   
  
He continued walking with me “Are you sure you’ll be fine on a boat feeling like that?”   
  
“Yeah, I already feel a bit better.” I smiled up at him, causing him to believe me.   
  
So...that was a lie. I didn’t feel any better yet, if anything I was starting to feel worse. But I wasn’t going to ruin the whole day Jack had planned out specially for my birthday. I hadn’t had any side effects yet, so I wasn’t going to let them get me on the one day I didn’t want them. This was my day, and Jack was here with me. There was  _no way_ some stupid cancer killing thing was going to get me now. Any day  _but_ today.   
  
I managed to keep it down the entire time, but the feeling never fully subsided. All I tried to do was focus on Jack and everything he had done for me. We first had brunch, but I wasn’t able to eat a lot. However, it had already been an ongoing thing, so it didn’t worry Jack, and he decided it was a good opportunity to eat whatever I had left over. That boy could eat like it was nobody’s business.   
  
After that, we went up on the deck and sat down. The wind was rushing through my hair, making it all messy and tangled, but it felt amazing. Jack had wrapped his arm around me and I had pulled me knees up to my chest to get more comfortable. The buildings looked so tall and graceful from so far away, and the water was sparkling and rippling as the boat rushed along it. Everything about it was magical.   
  
There were many other people on this boat, but Jack and I didn’t care. So what we would occasionally show some PDA? So what that Jack would shout out random stuff? It was just how we were. But all of this only reminded me of how all of this could end one day. I didn’t want that, of course. I wanted to have so many more experiences and memories with Jack, and there was  _no_ way I was ready to leave this all behind. With that goal as my strength, I knew I was going to fight this with every ounce of my being. Soon I would find out whether or not I made any progress, and if all went to plan, everything would be better. I just had to make sure everything would be.   
  
Jack, however, noticed my mood had changed. I was not smiling as much anymore, instead I was staring off at the buildings, not really looking around at much else. Realizing my less than stellar mood, he planted a soft kiss on my temple before asking me what was wrong. Like he had told me before, he knew exactly when I was in deep thought since I ‘ _always had that look on my face_ ’. But I never got to answer him. The ringing of my phone cut of any conversation that we could have been having. As soon as I saw my brother’s name at the top of my screen in big bold letters, I knew exactly what was going to happen and put the phone on speaker.   
  
“ _Happy Birthday_ !” He screamed enthusiastically, turning my frown back into the smile that had been present not that long before.   
  
Knowing how our routine normally went, I giggled it back, thinking about the one time he had a weird voice crack doing that when we were thirteen years old. “Happy birthday!”   
  
“Woah! It’s your birthday too?!” Cam added. We started this when we were 12, when our sarcastic jokes had just started, and we were still really bad at them.   
  
“No  _way_ !” I exclaimed, gasping louder than I should have in a public place like this. “It’s mine too!”   
  
“Ok, bye.” I could just hear the smile in Cameron’s voice. Just before I hit the end call button I made sure to say bye back.   
  
When I had put my phone away, I saw Jack smirking at me. “You guys are so weird.”   
  
“That is very true,” I cuddled back closely into his side, making him wrap his arm tighter around me to keep me warm, “but you and I aren’t very normal together either.”   
  
“You are  _definitely_ not wrong about that,” he chuckled and gave me a quick peck on my nose, proving his point, “but I wouldn’t change a thing about it.”   
  
And neither would I.


	57. New Experiences and Surprises

It was a couple of days later and Jack and I were getting ready to go to the concert my brother had been freaking out about for ages now. He was afraid he was going to mess up the lyrics, maybe play the wrong chords, or even slip up during a riff. Even though he had been up on stage before, this was still very nerve wrecking. The venue they were playing at, which was one Jack knew very well, was sold out completely. Even when extra tickets were being sold, they were gone in no time. This was the fastest one of their concerts had ever sold out. It was a big deal to my brother and John, but even bigger to the two other guys. I hadn’t met them yet, but I did know they both came from small bands that rarely got gigs. This must have been like an impossible dream for them. But here they were, the four of them together in a band, playing at one of the bigger venues with no tickets left to buy. _Even_ the VIP tickets had all been bought. I mean, how great is that?! I could only imagine how excited they were about kids wanting to listen to them, and only them.  
  
Ok, so back to Jack and I getting ready. That was sort of a lie. It was only Jack really getting ready, while I was still in bed groaning. I was still having cramps, and wasn’t looking forward to being around my brother for hours straight. He always found ways to make fun of me when I was like this which only made everything a whole lot worse. Luckily for me though, Jack wasn’t one of those people and tried his best not to say or do the wrong things. Weirdly enough we didn’t have any more fights out of nowhere that escalated in no time. That would have gone completely wrong.  
  
I turned around on my side to see Jack walk out of the bathroom with still only a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was dried and styled in his usual slightly spiked up hair. “When are we leaving again?”  
  
“In 45 minutes.” Jack said casually while going through all his clothes, dropping his towel and putting on some boxers.  
  
“That means I should probably actually take a shower and shit...” I groaned and tried sitting up before giving up and letting my head fall back into the pillows. “I don’t want to.”  
  
“Come _on_...” He shuffled over to me while putting on a shirt. Without any time to ask him what he was going to do, he grabbed my hands and literally pulled me out of the bed and all the way to the bathroom. I was grumbling the entire time, but as soon as he turned on the water and actually started taking my clothes off for me, I quickly jumped awake.  
  
“Okay, okay,” I ushered him out of the bathroom and did the rest of it myself. Even though Jack and I didn’t fight, I did not necessarily want him to see me naked. I couldn’t be the only one like that, right?  
  
When in the shower, I suddenly realised that Jack had told me we only had 45 minutes. Yes, I could get ready in way less time, but I still wanted time to get some food before we left. If I didn’t hurry up, I wouldn’t get to do that anymore. And I _needed_ food, it was a must. So, thinking about all the cereal and other food we had in the kitchen, I quickly finished off my shower before rushing to quickly put on some eye makeup, dry my hair, and put on some clothes Cameron would approve of. It was basically like one of those events your parents would drag you to as a child or teenager and they would disapprove everything you wanted to wear. I did not need that happening today. So what better way was there than to wear clothes he gave me? [Black jeans, red high top converse, and an army green jacket it was.](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=197649604)  
  
When I decided there was nothing else I could do about the mess I was, I ran downstairs as fast as I could. All I wanted was some food, was that really a crime? Fortunately, Jack was already getting a bowl of cereal ready for himself. I just walked past him and grabbed a spoon before stealing his bowl and sitting at the kitchen table to eat it. Just because I was hungry did not necessarily mean that I was actually feeling like making something to eat.  
  
“That was mine.” Jack pointed at the bowl, which I was greedily eating out of, as if I hadn’t even realised.  
  
I stuffed some more in my mouth, causing me to have to speak to him with half my mouth full. “Now it’s mine.”  
  
He pouted at me, giving me the cutest puppy dog face I had ever seen. “But I like _cooookie_ crisp.”  
  
“I do too.” I tried my best to ignore the look he was giving me; I was way too hungry to give in to the sad face. If I caved in once, I would always cave in, and Jack would use that to his advantage  
  
“But that was the last of it.” He continued to bat his eyelashes while secretly making a plan to somehow get the bowl back while there was still enough for him in it.  
  
However, I totally recognized the gaze he gave the bowl, and clutched onto it so he would literally have to pry my fingers off of it, but at the same time the look was really getting to me. So, I gave in and sighed, “I guess we can share it.”  
  
Jack immediately perked up and suddenly managed to make a spoon magically appear from behind his back. That sneaky little fucker already had a whole plan to get to breakfast back. But then again, _this was Jack we were talking about_ ; he probably was planning on threatening me with that harmless metal utensil.  
  
\---  
  
After being in the car for a whole five minutes, we had to drive back home because we forgot the backstage passes. Then, backstage passes in hand, we drove all the way to the venue with barely any traffic. We were hit by a couple of fans that were waiting to enter and recognized Jack. I waited while inevitably more of them realised it was Jack from All Time Low and also wanted their selfies with the guitarist. It was bound to happen. In this genre, kids who listened to the ‘smaller’ bands, would also know about the bigger bands. I mean, who wouldn’t take the chance to get a photo taken with one of their idols? At least the fans here didn’t hate me as much. Those who followed the band before they broke up, knew about me and what I was like. I would go to the Baltimore shows whenever they played here, and back then things were a lot more personal than now. So, I met a lot of fans that were obsessed with my brother’s music. These were the fans that stood up against the ones that hated on my just for dating Jack. However, I still wasn’t asked for as many selfies as Jack.  
  
Only when I got a text from Cameron saying that he needed us to come _now,_ did Jack and I say goodbye to everybody. After the security guard at the back of the venue checked our backstage passes and double checked my ID, we finally got to go inside. I was lucky to have Jack with me, because he knew exactly where the stage was. If I were all by myself I probably would have gotten lost since there were only signs places every couple of turns. As soon as we neared the place we needed to be, I could hear Cameron’s voice booming through the speakers, making some _very_ cheesy jokes. Oh what great humour he had.  
  
When Cam saw me standing side stage he grinned before shouting out my name, causing the speakers to buzz from the noise level. “You’re finally here!” He continued to rush over to me, taking his blue guitar off and handing it to me. “Can you tune this?”  
  
I chuckled in a confused state, still taking the guitar from him nonetheless. “Don’t you have a guitar tech to do that?”  
  
“Usually, yes,” He jumped around hyperly, excited to play on stage again, “But he had a family emergency and couldn't make it. And Charlie’s guitar tech is freaking the _fuck_ out because the guitar case fell over, messing up some of them and breaking some of the strings. We are basically fucked.”  
  
I rolled my eyes and got to work. Jack was also completely useless; All Time Low had fancy guitars that wouldn’t go out of tune, and if they did they had guitar techs to do the job, so he was basically as clueless as Cam was. Even though I only had, as Cam would say, six guitars I had to tune, I immediately got more jobs. It was like I was just another one of their roadies, which fucking sucked (no offense to any roadies out there). I was fine with helping a bit, but I was running around more than anybody here. And Jack just got to watch! _I_ was the one here that was terminally ill!  
  
“Field, I need you to soundcheck that microphone.” He pointed at a microphone with green tape lying on a lonely riser. Finally, a normal request. Thank _God_ for that. Jack didn’t know, but the only reason we actually had to come this early was for me to soundcheck that one fucking microphone, not for everything else I had been forced to do.  
  
So, I picked up the microphone while still sorting out the guitar picks, seeing which ones were whose, while Cam started off the song with the others (who I still didn’t get to fucking meet, because I was all over the place the entire time). After I recognized which song was playing, I started singing in the chorus, just like in the recording. Cam and I always sang along to _Not That Beautiful_ by Papa Roach, so I didn’t have any problem with the lyrics. I had to keep running back and forth while singing to give the guys the right picks and stick them to the microphone stand. However, I was lucky enough to be able to finish everything off before the rapping part, meaning I could do that freely.  
  
The sound guy requested for us to do another song, since he didn’t have enough of me singing to get all the levels right. So, the new guitarist, who I figured was called Charlie, because Cameron had called him that before, started off a new song that luckily I knew as well. Maybe having lived around Cam for so long did have a couple of benefits. So, as soon as the girl part came in the song _Not Gonna Die_ by Skillet, I sang as loud as I could. But there was one line that hit me. " _The last thing I heard was_ y _ou whispering goodbye, and then I heard you flat line."_ That could be us. I could be dying while Cam was witnessing everything, and that thought made me shiver. He would never deserve to see me die, I could not do that to him.  
  
So, not wanting to speed up the possibility of that process, I put down the microphone again, first checking if everything was ok sound check wise. After that I announced that I was going to take a nap, dragging Jack along with me to the dressing room. Everybody laughed at me, thinking I was joking, but I was being very serious. I just wasn’t able to so much anymore, my energy drained in no time and I still wanted -- no, I _needed_ \-- to be able to make it through the whole show.  
  
\----  
  
Yes, I took that nap. It helped a _lot_. And, yes, I did get to meet the rest of the band. I was right; the guitarist was indeed called Charlie. He was actually pretty good looking. He had brown hair that was a bit longer on the top, combed back, a scruffy stubble similar to Jack's, and very simple auburn eyes. But, like I had confessed to Jack weeks before, I didn’t actually feel anything for the guy. I just knew so many teenage girls would swoon over him, especially since he really wasn’t the shyest guy around. And then there was also the new drummer, Carter, who had a totally different physique. Girl were probably also going to freak out over him, but rather than have a body like Charlie, who was pretty ripped, he was tall and not as buff.  
  
But watching the four guys playing on stage was amazing. The two pairs had only known each other for a couple of months, but they already played and acted like they had been best friends forever, not two guys joining a band that already had two people in it. I couldn’t even imagine them meeting each other a while ago, in an office, maybe only having met each other once before getting a record deal.  
  
John’s wife and daughter decided to join us and watch as well. Usually, I would stay backstage with Emily and look after her, while Trisha would be able to watch the show. I liked babysitting, and Trisha deserved to have a break once in awhile so I really didn’t mind doing it. However, Emily actually got to watch as well this time, though she did have earmuffs on so the sound wouldn’t ruin her ears. I held her high on my shoulders so she could have a good view of her father playing on the opposite side of the stage, while Trisha and I were singing along loudly. Jack didn’t know any of the lyrics, and he could only laugh when we were belting along the lyrics to their song _Breaking Ground_. It was still fun, but I knew Jack was so going to make fun of me screaming the same words as the brother was singing.  
  
And then they had played 12 songs already. One of the crew members came over and clipped a sound box to my jeans. I put in the in-ear monitors while Jack was giving me a confused and worried look. He probably hadn’t figured out that me soundchecking that microphone actually had a significance. The band finished the previous song and everybody but Cam and John came off stage, waiting on the other side.  
  
I looked down at Emily, who seemed to infatuated by all the people walking around, “I’m going to have to give you back to your mom.”  
  
“No!” She pouted and complained.  
  
“I can’t take you out on stage with me,” I told her guiltily before sneakily adding, “Unless you want me to, of course.”  
  
She shook her head furiously, terrified of all the screaming fans and the bright lights. “No. No. No. But I want to be held by Uncle Jacky!”  
  
“Do you now?” I grinned at the name she had already given Jack despite not having known him for that long, and took the microphone somebody was offering me.  
  
She nodded her head, so I handed her to Jack who couldn’t help but grin at the little girl.The mother, who had technically just been rejected, couldn’t help but laugh as well. “Already got the uncle title, Jack? You’ve got to be careful now.”  
  
“I’m not planning on leaving any time soon.” Jack winked at me, causing me to roll my eyes at his cheesiness. He had made it pretty clear on several occasions that he was planning on keeping me forever, so it had basically turned into an inside joke.  
  
And then Cameron started talking through the microphone, making a joke before actually getting into the next part, “I’m pretty surprised I haven’t majorly fucked up and somehow tripped myself yet. But, anyway, my friend John here and I decided to slow it down a bit and play an acoustic song for you guys,” they both had an acoustic guitar in the arms and both had a microphone to sing through. Had I told you yet that John was a pretty decent singer and did all the live backup vocals? “This song is called _Around The World And Back_.”  
  
The first couple of chords sounded through the venue and I could feel the nerves shoot through me. Jack had finally figured out what was going down, and quickly whispered some encouraging words to me. I waited for my cue before stepping out on stage. My heart was beating fast while I waited for the short instrumental part to pass by. And before I even knew it I started singing “ _Been around the world and back this year…_ ”  
  
The crowd sang along, and I couldn’t help but smile at how happy these kids were to be here. It didn’t matter that I was singing a love song with my brother, all that matter was that I was up here, singing our song together. Occasionally, John would do backup vocals for me as well, and sometimes Cam would sing along with me, or I would be singing along with him. I understood why he loved doing this so much; I understood why Jack and any other musicians loved doing this.  
  
We finished off the song and Cameron thanked me before I walked back side stage. I gave back all the equipment given to me, before returning to my friends. Jack grinned widely, very happy with the surprise I had planned. He always wanted me to ‘show off my talent’ or ‘sing with Alex on stage’, and now I did it with my brother. But I was going to keep it at that. I would sign with anybody, but only on stage with Cam right beside me. Knowing those people were there to see my brother somehow comforted me, while All Time Low’s fans made my social anxiety suddenly peak.  
  
“You did great,” Jack whispered in my ear before kissing me softly, Emily squirming around saying kissing was disgusting. But at that moment I did care anymore. This was the happiest I had seen Jack in a while.


	58. Birthday Wishes and a Routine

“ _Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dear Isle. Happy Birthday to you!_ ”  
  
I opened my eyes slowly and stretched so that I could see where the singing was coming from, the sight before me making me grin widely. Jack had entered the bedroom and was standing next to the bed, holding a cupcake with a candle on a plate in one hand and of course, his phone was blatantly recording everything in the other. This was the _best_ birthday surprise I'd ever had… or that I could remember, anyway. For my last birthday I had just come out of the hospital and I was still getting very used to my new life. As for the other birthdays I remembered, well they were from when I was a kid and all I cared about then, as any other kid would, were the gifts. But right now, getting surprised from Jack like that...I loved it. It was better than any gift in the _entire_ world.  
  
“I love you.” Jack smiled after he finished singing, handing me the cupcake.  
  
I simpered coyly and tried getting rid of all my hair that had fallen in my face. “I love you too.” Immediately after hearing that, Jack leaned all the way down and lightly planted his lips against mine. I couldn’t help but grin while he pulled away again. “Thank you.”  
  
He stopped recording and I already knew he was putting it on his snapchat story. Living with Jack meant you had to deal with things like that, no acceptions. But, hey, I didn’t mind watching _this_ moment back as soon as I opened my phone.  
  
“So,” Jack jumped back in bed, our duvet having already long found it’s way to the floor. “I have the whole day planned out. There may _or_ may not be some gifts downstairs and some more cupcakes your mom baked for us--and before you ask, yes, it’s what I went to pick up yesterday. After that we are going to go out and have brunch on a boat.”  
  
“A boat!” I exclaimed, my eyes going wide, while I put the cupcake on the bedside table for me to eat later without getting crumbs in the bed.  
  
“Yes, you don’t mind them do you?” he started rethinking the entire thing he had planned for my birthday.  
  
“No, I like them, don’t worry.” I sat up more so I could look down at him, running my fingers through his unsettled hair. “'m just surprised with your _oh-so-romantic_ gesture.”  
  
“Ok, good.” He sighed in relief and took my hand out of his hair so he could place a soft kiss on it. “I’ve been planning this for so long now...you don’t know how difficult it was to keep it from you.”  
  
“You forgot about one thing though,” I pouted, trying to get him to freak out first.  
  
And it seemed to work, because he was racking his brain to figure out what it was. “W _hat_! What is it?”  
  
“How long do we have before we leave?” I asked before commencing my plan.  
  
Jack checked the digital clock he had next to his side of the bed. “Two hours, why?”  
  
I didn’t reply with words, and instead smirked before sitting up completely and shuffling over to him more. He asked me again what I was doing, but I just spun myself around so I was now straddling him. Resting one of my hands on his chest, I let myself move forward, causing him to raise his eyebrows, knowing exactly what was about to happen. When our lips touched and his hands traveled to my hips, I could feel his heartbeat speeding up. It was nice to know he did not only have that effect on me, but I had it on him as well. Soon after his hands traveled underneath my shirt, it came off, leaving me half naked and Jack grinning with excitement.  
  
\---  
  
After the _certain_ activities we did, we took a nice long shower together. And I actually mean just a shower, no other business went on in there. To say it very bluntly, we had sex, then after establishing we were very sticky and sweaty, we decided to take a shower. Simple as that. After that, the dreaded outfit choosing had to happen. Jack told me to dress nicely, but not _too_ nicely, which just left me confused. _I didn’t know what that meant!_ So, I just settled on something I knew Jack would like. I mean, a mini skirt and a crop top that looked like a dress when a belt was added would be fine, right? Well, Jack didn’t seem to complain when I joined him downstairs.  
  
“Ok, so this gift will probably confuse you, but I’ll explain it.” He handed me something that felt pretty heavy but not too heavy, making me wonder what it was. Luckily I didn’t have to wait long, because Jack pushed me to open it -- it was like he was more excited for it that I was. When the wrapping paper came off, I was indeed confused. I was holding two boxes, one with a black point and shoot camera, and one that contained a similar camera, but in a brownish green color. This was definitely confusing. Why would I need two point and shoot cameras.  
  
“Care to explain?” I frowned after waiting a while for Jack to clarify the use of these cameras, but not getting anything out of him.  
  
“Ok, so,” he took one of the boxes, very excited to tell me his plan, “I was thinking we could start a youtube channel together. Now, before you ask why, I’ll explain. Well, since I’m gone on tour so often, I thought this would be another way to keep contact with each other, to show specific highlights from our day. And we can start today! Oh, and the kids will also probably like it, because we used to do updates like that ages ago, but we stopped. So it will be fun.”  
  
“Umm, ok,” I looked at him skeptically. “I’m not against the idea or anything, but do you even know how to edit?”  
  
“No, but I’m guessing you do.” He stated like it was very obvious.  
  
“Well, yeah, but-”  
  
“Exactly! It will be fun! You can work on it during those long boring hospital visits, if you have enough energy. And I’ll be able to see your face and hear your voice more clearly than through FaceTime when I’m on tour. If it doesn’t work out, we can always stop.” He continued to try convincing me.  
  
“And there’s no legal problems?” I double checked before I agreed to anything. “Like with a contract or something stating you can’t post your own things unless checked with management, or it has to be on their channel?”  
  
“That’s why we love hopeless, we can actually do our own things.”  
  
“Ok, fine,” I agreed to his whole plan, before realizing another thing that could go wrong, “but you do know I’ll probably get a lot of hate again, right?”  
  
“That’s how I actually came to this idea. I wanted to make a video to address it all, but then I thought of how stupid it would be to only have one video when we can document so many more things!” Jack continued to elaborate his amazing plan that was supposed to make everything better.  
  
“Ok, but I’m taking the brown one!”  
  
We proceeded to open both of the boxes and charge the cameras before we left the house and got in the car. Of course Blink-182 was blasting through the speakers and of course Jack was singing along, that was just how it worked. So, since Jack told me to get as much footage as possible, that we could sort it all out later, I recorded him singing. It was funny, so why not? However, when he realised what I was doing, he suddenly stopped and started laughing. Luckily, he didn’t get mad, there were so many people that would get so angry in situations like this. The rest of the car ride, Jack was afraid to open his mouth again.  
  
When we finally found a parking spot in the busy city, we still had to walk a pretty long way to the harbour. The sun was beaming down on us, and my hand was most likely sweating profusely in Jack’s grip, but he didn’t seem to mind. Over time he had gotten used to the fact that my hands were basically always clammy, which I was happy about. I had so many bad stories about things that would happen when I was still a child, you could say I was traumatized. However, the sun was so bright and so warm already, and that didn’t really go well with the fact that I had had chemo the day before. I suddenly stopped in my tracks and quickly reached into my bag, hoping I wasn’t too late. With no water around, I had to swallow the pills dry, leaving a horrible taste in my mouth.  
  
“Is everything ok?” Jack asked worriedly when he realised our fingers were no longer intertwined and I wasn’t walking next to him.  
  
“Yeah,” I nodded and went to hold his hand again, “just a bit nauseous. I hope I took the medication on time, or I might have to fake seasickness.”  
  
He continued walking with me “Are you sure you’ll be fine on a boat feeling like that?”  
  
“Yeah, I already feel a bit better.” I smiled up at him, causing him to believe me.  
  
So...that was a lie. I didn’t feel any better yet, if anything I was starting to feel worse. But I wasn’t going to ruin the whole day Jack had planned out specially for my birthday. I hadn’t had any side effects yet, so I wasn’t going to let them get me on the one day I didn’t want them. This was my day, and Jack was here with me. There was _no way_ some stupid cancer killing thing was going to get me now. Any day _but_ today.  
  
I managed to keep it down the entire time, but the feeling never fully subsided. All I tried to do was focus on Jack and everything he had done for me. We first had brunch, but I wasn’t able to eat a lot. However, it had already been an ongoing thing, so it didn’t worry Jack, and he decided it was a good opportunity to eat whatever I had left over. That boy could eat like it was nobody’s business.  
  
After that, we went up on the deck and sat down. The wind was rushing through my hair, making it all messy and tangled, but it felt amazing. Jack had wrapped his arm around me and I had pulled me knees up to my chest to get more comfortable. The buildings looked so tall and graceful from so far away, and the water was sparkling and rippling as the boat rushed along it. Everything about it was magical.  
  
There were many other people on this boat, but Jack and I didn’t care. So what we would occasionally show some PDA? So what that Jack would shout out random stuff? It was just how we were. But all of this only reminded me of how all of this could end one day. I didn’t want that, of course. I wanted to have so many more experiences and memories with Jack, and there was _no_ way I was ready to leave this all behind. With that goal as my strength, I knew I was going to fight this with every ounce of my being. Soon I would find out whether or not I made any progress, and if all went to plan, everything would be better. I just had to make sure everything would be.  
  
Jack, however, noticed my mood had changed. I was not smiling as much anymore, instead I was staring off at the buildings, not really looking around at much else. Realizing my less than stellar mood, he planted a soft kiss on my temple before asking me what was wrong. Like he had told me before, he knew exactly when I was in deep thought since I ‘ _always had that look on my face_ ’. But I never got to answer him. The ringing of my phone cut of any conversation that we could have been having. As soon as I saw my brother’s name at the top of my screen in big bold letters, I knew exactly what was going to happen and put the phone on speaker.  
  
“ _Happy Birthday_!” He screamed enthusiastically, turning my frown back into the smile that had been present not that long before.  
  
Knowing how our routine normally went, I giggled it back, thinking about the one time he had a weird voice crack doing that when we were thirteen years old. “Happy birthday!”  
  
“Woah! It’s your birthday too?!” Cam added. We started this when we were 12, when our sarcastic jokes had just started, and we were still really bad at them.  
  
“No _way_!” I exclaimed, gasping louder than I should have in a public place like this. “It’s mine too!”  
  
“Ok, bye.” I could just hear the smile in Cameron’s voice. Just before I hit the end call button I made sure to say bye back.  
  
When I had put my phone away, I saw Jack smirking at me. “You guys are so weird.”  
  
“That is very true,” I cuddled back closely into his side, making him wrap his arm tighter around me to keep me warm, “but you and I aren’t very normal together either.”  
  
“You are _definitely_ not wrong about that,” he chuckled and gave me a quick peck on my nose, proving his point, “but I wouldn’t change a thing about it.”  
  
And neither would I.


	59. Drunk Jack Leads To Fun

I checked my bags one last time to see if I was forgetting anything. My medication was in there, I had a couple pairs of clothes, and my laptop was also comfortably wedged in there. Today was the day I was going to be sent to the hospital and stay there for three days, which pretty much sucked. Jack was going to go to the Gaskarth wedding the next day and I would be stuck in a white sterile room. I mean, come _on_ , which one sounded more fun and interesting? The hospital, of course!  
  
.... That was supposed to be sarcastic if you didn’t realise. I honestly _didn’t_ want to go. What was the point of me having to be there three days anyway? I was doing fine and they could probably give me a check up in a matter of minutes. But, hey, doctor’s orders.  
  
So, what did Jack and I do the day before we would be apart for three days? We played video games at two in the morning, that's what. We played until our eyes couldn't take it anymore, only stopping for good when Jack thought it would be a good time for me to go to bed. He didn't want me to be exhausted at the hospital, he said. It was basically a lazy day. There were beer bottles strewn across the coffee table (only two were mine, I couldn’t drink much with the nausea medication I was given), there was an empty bowl of popcorn that had been refilled three times and knocked over once, chocolate wrappers laid lonely and the floor, and blankets were covering the couch we had lived on for an entire day. You could also call this magnificent sight the left overs of ‘date night’.... Even though it wasn’t really a date, and it spanned more over day than during the night… Oh well. It still counted.  
  
I felt bad for leaving Jack to clean up the mess the next morning, but he had sent me to pack my bags. To be honest, I had been planning to do it a week before I actually had to go, but I kept procrastinating, like I always did. So here I was, packing at the last minute, literally; we only had half an hour to go before we had to leave. So, that was completely on me. But then again, who _didn’t_ leave packing until last minute?  
  
I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist after I threw my phone and other small things in my bag. Jack’s soft warm breathing was slowly tickling my shoulder as I leaned into him, wanting to remember his embrace for when I was all alone in that stupid hospital room.  
  
“Are you ready to go?” he mumbled, pressing his nose into my hair. Just as much as I didn’t want to leave, Jack also didn’t want me to go. But we both knew it had to happen and that it was only for the better. I just hoped the results would come out fine. There was no way I was going to stay at that hospital for any longer.  
  
“Yep,” I replied, slowly walking out of his grip to pick up by bag. It felt like I was saying goodbye to him for a very long time, but it was only three days, and in reality I wouldn’t see him for only one of those three days. But it still didn’t feel right.  
  
However, we still left. After a quiet drive to the hospital, neither of us uttering a word, I signed in and it was time for us to actually say goodbye. I told him to take good care of Taco, and promised him I would kill him if I found her dead when I came back. Jack, of course, said he would try his best, but that he couldn’t promise anything. He still hadn’t warmed up completely to the cat and would often be uncomfortable if she sat on his lap, but then again, he _did_ allow her to sit on his lap, so, it _was_ going somewhere! I was still convinced that they were going to love each other, even though Jack kept saying there was no way it was happening. It actually wouldn’t surprise me that they would be best buddies after this whole long hospital trip.  
  
I was first sent to go get my blood taken, where they tortured me with a needle. You see, I wasn’t afraid of those things and I didn’t mind them, but the fact that they just couldn’t seem to hit the right spot and kept poking me just annoyed the shit out of me. It wasn’t that difficult to find my veins, right? Well, apparently they were difficult to find. So, they took a couple of test tubes of blood, leaving me very dizzy and lightheaded. But of course this didn’t hit me until later. So, although they told me I was allowed to stay seated for a while, I stood up to go to the ward where I was going to be staying. And that wasn’t a very good idea. I basically passed out at the reception and got myself a bruise on my head that looked pretty nasty when I put my hair in a ponytail. At least I didn’t have a concussion…  
  
It just wasn’t a good day for me.  
  
I already fainted and I still needed to get a biopsy and an MRI scan. Great, just great. Oh, and I was required to stay in bed because they were afraid of me passing out again. So I also could go around exploring the hospital, which I was allowed to do before all this shit happened. _Ugh_!  
  
\----  
  
The day of the wedding. I had stayed at the hospital for one night already and I was bored out of my fucking mind. Sure, Jack and I texted, but that wasn’t as nice as actually being able to talk to him. Why not edit those videos Jack and I were making? Well, that was done already. It was a lot easier than expected and I finished in no time. My job for the entirety of this hospital trip was already done.  
  
I would have much rather gone to the wedding with my boyfriend to support his friends. But, nope. I was stuck in this place. All I could do was hope I wasn’t going to be forced to stay here for longer because my condition had worsened. Nobody had come in to tell me something terrible was going on with me, so I was just expecting everything to be fine. But I still couldn’t leave.  
  
At least Jack was giving me occasional updates about the wedding. He told me how nervous Alex was getting as time passed, and I could only imagine what was going down. It also made me wonder what Jack would be like if he ever got married, making me feel a bit weird. I wanted him to get married, but I didn’t want to get married myself, but I also didn’t want him getting married to anybody else. It was weird. But Jack had told me countless of times that he would be ok with us staying together forever without getting married. And that somehow made me slightly accept the idea of marrying him one day a bit more. It was a weird situation.  
  
The entire day just consisted me of trying to find movies on netflix that would be fun to watch. I probably spent more time trying to find one, than actually watching them. Every couple of minutes Jack would text me about how fun things were and how drunk people were getting. It was like he was trying to torture me, but I knew he didn’t mean it that way. However, eventually the messages just stopped abruptly, which was weird because he seemed to really enjoy telling me all these stories. But I just figured that his phone either died or that he was too drunk. Either way, I was still bored out of my mind.  
  
Normally when in a hospital you are seriously sick and you don’t have the energy to do anything, but I felt fine. Ok, that was maybe a lie. I did take a couple of naps in the morning to pass the time, but it just meant that I couldn’t get back to sleep in the evening. I was just complaining all the time. There was nothing else for me to do.  
  
As the time passed and it started to get later, less doctors and nurses would walk past or hurry along. Lights turned off and streetlights went on outside the building. I could see cars drive slowly on the roads, the traffic lights changing from red to green and back in a routine. Everything was too calming and in case I haven't emphasized enough, _boring_ ….  
  
The door to my room suddenly burst open before the person coming in their their best to close it as quietly as possible. I snapped my head to the sudden noise and couldn’t help but laugh at what I was seeing. There, in the small hallway where the door to the bathroom was, stood Jack. His hair was no longer in its usual swoop and looked pretty flat. The suit that he was wearing was obviously danced and partied in, as everything sat a bit crooked. It was obvious that he was holding something behind his back as he stumbled in.  
  
“Jack!” I giggled, actually really happy to see him, but knowing he was pretty drunk, “what are you doing here!”  
  
“I brought you…” He trudged the last couple of steps before moving one of the chairs closer to me, falling sloppily onto it, and showing what he was hiding, “wedding cake!”  
  
“How drunk are you right now?” I laughed, looking at the big piece of cake that I would never be able to eat all by myself. I was wondering if they gave everybody big pieces like this at the actual wedding, or if Jack had just managed to get me a big piece like this especially for me.  
  
“ _Very_ ,” he said without hesitating, somehow making two plastic forks appear from one of his pockets. I did not know how he fit them in there, because those forks were way too big for those pockets, but it seemed to work. “But not drunk enough to forget forks!”  
  
I took one of the forks and tried a piece of the sweet course. And holy shit was it good. Of course it was good, I mean this was Lisa and Alex we were talking about. “Who even let you in?” I asked while Jack enjoyed some of the white frosted cake as well.  
  
He froze up and looked at me with wide eyes, “somebody was supposed to let me in?! I just walked right in and nobody stopped me!”  
  
“Oh my god, _Jack_!” I snickered. He was way too drunk; a sober Jack would never just wander through a hospital to find me without asking somebody first. The fact that he was here with cake already proved my point! I didn’t even know if I was allowed to have visitors or if I could eat this stuff, but I didn’t really care. The cake tasted exceptional and I actually didn’t feel bored to death anymore.  
  
After we finished the delicious goodness, Jack decided it was a good idea to climb into the hospital bed with me. No, he didn’t give me a warning or anything before, nor did he take off his shoes. He just stood up and started trying to find space to lie down beside me. I rolled my eyes at his tipsy actions, and made space for him. He was so going to have a hangover in the morning.  
  
But at that moment I didn’t really mind. Just like when we just started dating, Jack and I always found a way to be around each other, even if it wasn’t supposed to happen. It was nice knowing this still hadn’t changed.


	60. It All Led To A Promise

I looked around myself. Everything was pitch black and quiet. My head was spinning, my body sweating, and my stomach churning. Every time I would move slightly the nausea would completely take over. I couldn’t sense what was up and what was down. The room was spinning and my stomach went along with it. Jack was snoring lightly beside me, lying down on his stomach with his arms wrapped around his pillow. I wished I could be him, so peaceful like that. I winced as I shot up right, my head in my hands as I tried to get rid of the horrid feeling.  
  
The days after my checkup, I suddenly started getting so many side effects. I was getting full blown nausea, basically throwing up anything I was eating to the point where I didn't want to eat at all. To put it simply, I felt like shit. It was the worst knowing that what was keeping me alive was what caused me to feel this way. All I wanted was to go back to the days where I had chemo without the side effects.  
  
Jack seemed to stir once I sat up, because only a couple minutes after I raised myself up, I felt his hand rub my back, asking me if I was ok. However, I felt too nauseous for anybody to be touching me at the moment. I shrugged his hand away and concentrated on my breathing, hoping it would help. Things only seemed to make it worse, the dizziness making me feel even more groggy and woozy. Nothing about this was good.  
  
“Do you need me to get your nausea medication?” Jack asked, already getting out of bed. He threw the covers off himself and rubbed his eyes while he swung his legs out of the bed and onto the floor. But I shook my head before he got up. There was no use getting my medication now. However, Jack didn’t seem to understand. “Don’t you feel sick?”  
  
I nodded, confirming that I was indeed feeling terrible, “I’m going to be sick.” I quickly put my hand over my mouth as I felt the bile rising up my throat, begging for me to open my mouth once again.  
  
This time, Jack did seem to get it, though. He rushed up and grabbed the plastic bin I basically brought with me wherever I went in the house just in case. It was better to be safe that sorry. Just before it all came up, Jack handed it to me and held back my hair. My throat was burning and my eyes started tearing up. I was completely done with this shit.  
  
When I was finished, Jack took the bucket away from me and let my hair fall down back onto my back, running his fingers through it to comfort me. He let me lie back down before kissing my temple. “Try to get some more rest...I’ll clean this up.”  
  
Normally I would protest and tell him I would do it, but I was too tired and fed up. If he didn’t mind doing it, then I wasn’t going to complain. All he wanted was to make me feel better. Although he couldn’t cure me, he could still do small things to remind me that he cared. Or so he told me. It was nice of him to do so, though.  
  
I fell asleep before Jack came back.  
  
\----  
  
The next day, I had gotten a text from Cam asking me if I wanted to do something together with him before he left to LA. My parents had already organised a small family dinner at their place at the end of the week -- a small family dinner was luckily actually a small family dinner this time; it was just going to be me, Cam, my parents, Jack, and my aunt and cousin who were coming over for dinner anyway.  
  
But, back to the text Cam had sent me. I told him I was ok with that, that it would be good for me to get out of the house. However, he was stupid enough to not think of anything for us to do before asking me. So, I joked about going to the grocery store and buying random stuff for him to eat the last couple of days he was here. Bare in mind, that was supposed to be a joke, but Cam actually decided it was a good idea.  
  
So, that was where I was going now. I told Jack about the plans, and he seemed hesitant at first, but when I reassured him by telling him I was going to be around Cam the entire time, he agreed. Plus, he said, I quote, ‘I can make that video about all the hate you’re getting now’. So, while I was out doing weird grocery shopping with my brother, Jack was going to try to get people to stop hating on me. What was going to end up worse? Were Cam and I going to be thrown out, or was Jack’s message going to make people dislike me even more? Well, we would see at the end of the day.  
  
When at the supermarket, Cam and I both took a cart so we could rush around the place like we used to do as kids. Of course, we walked in the place looking all calm and composed and like we were there to do some actual food shopping, but that’s not how it worked for me and Cameron. We went all out and crazy if possible. On the ride to the store, we decided to make a small list of junk food that was necessary, and since the whole place had been renovated, neither of us knew where everything was… leaving us to play a fun game.  
  
“Ok, first to find the Oreos,” I stated the first item on our list, putting my phone back in my back pocket. “Go!”  
  
And so, off we went, trying to find the blue cardboard box. Cameron decided to use the tactic of running through every aisle, scanning all the items as he flew past. I, however, decided that that was a terrible. It would take ages, and definitely use up all my energy. Instead, I sped walked past all the aisles, reading the signs overhead. When I finally came to the one with ‘cookies’ written in big bold letters, I slid into the aisle, picking up on of the boxes, just before Cam came running in himself. Of course I rubbed it in his face that I won, and of course we got weird looks, but I couldn’t care less. Cam and I were having fun and that was all that mattered.  
  
That process continued for a while more, until we felt we had enough stuff for him to get fat with. Of course, when slaloming through the entire store, we also found other food that seemed pretty good. In total, I think we ended up both with half a cart full… which was way more than he needed. But the solution was to bring some of the food to band practise, and it would be done in no time.  
  
After paying the three digit number, we both walked out of the store, our carts now full of plastic bags. To continue our small race, I tried to put my bags in faster than Cam, and it seemed to work, because I had a lot less to put in the trunk of the car. I just happened to have to cart with the items that weren’t large, so there was no need for so many bags. Cam continued to put his bags in the trunk at normal speed, laughing at my enthusiasm while I ran off to put my cart away.  
  
Just before I got to the stall where all the carts were always placed, I decided to slow down and walk the rest of the way. I didn’t want to get out of breath now, and when I looked back, it didn’t seem like Cam was going to be joining me. He was rearranging things and doing stuff on his phone while still putting more bags in the back. And I swear that boy couldn’t multitask, so it was going to be interesting to see how this went.  
  
To put my cart back, I walked past a group of girls before walking into the alleyway. But something was off. I wasn’t alone like I was before. Footsteps were following me, and from the voices and whispers I heard, I knew it was the girls. They didn’t look threatening of anything when I walked past them, so I really didn’t know why they would want to follow me. So, I just put the shopping cart back into the long connecting line, before turning around. The girls were surrounding me, standing very close, glaring as I moved. I frowned, trying to put past, but they didn’t seem to like the idea of that.  
  
“Where’s Jack?” The middle one of the five asked, looking around as if expecting to see him around here somewhere. I would have been wondering how they knew Jack, but it was only when I saw one of the girls wear a Pierce The Veil t-shirt, did I realise that they were probably fans.  
  
“Umm, at home?” I answered with a questioning tone, still wondering why they actually wanted to know. They couldn’t just be expecting him to be around me.  
  
The girl snickered, shaking her head at me, as they all started cornering me, leaving me to slowly back up against the wall. “So he finally decided to leave you?”  
  
How were these girls so good at this? Did they randomly threaten innocent people in their free time or something? It was like they had planned this out for ages, it was being executed so perfectly.  
  
“Umm, no…” I was trying my best to stay calm so they wouldn't flip out. However, it didn’t seem to be the right thing to say. The ‘leader’ of group, pushed by backwards, making my head hit the brick wall behind me with a hollow thump. I did not do anything back, not wanting this to escalate, but also of course because I just didn’t have the energy to defend myself. If I knew this was going to happen, I would not have ran around the vegetable aisle as often as I did.  
  
“Fucking fight me!” she screamed in my face. It wouldn’t have surprised me if this girl had anger issues. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong… other than be in a relationship with Jack… shit. Of course this was what it was about!  
  
“I can’t,” I mumbled, just wanting to go home and fall asleep on the couch while watching movies. Luckily I didn’t feel sick, or else that really wouldn’t have been pretty. The girl was literally standing pressed up against me, so if I was going to be sick, it was going to go right into her face.  
  
“What do you mean, you fucking can’t!” she grabbed me off the wall before hitting me against it as hard as she could. This time it actually made me black out for a second, and before I knew it, I was on the cold asphalt floor. “You don’t fucking deserve Jack, you understand! He doesn’t deserve to have somebody hurt him all the time! He’s a good human being!”  
  
She kicked me and kicked me, over and over, as her friends wasted no time in joining in. I wanted to scream, I wanted to fight back, but I couldn’t. My whole head felt fuzzy, the shoes hitting me in the face, stomach, ribs, and legs countless of times. I could feel the bruising already starting and everything swelling up. The laughter filled my consciousness, making me detached from anything else happening around me. With the amount of pain, I couldn’t even feel their last couple of kicks anymore.  
  
“What the fuck are you doing to my sister!” I heard somebody that sounded a lot like Cameron yell. The girls suddenly stopped when they realised they had been caught. But I could still hear their whispering. They were talking about it being the guy that I was cheating on Jack with. Of course these girls believed all the rumours they read about me.  
  
“You guys better leave her alone! Fuck off!” Cam added, running up to the scene as fast as he could. The gang soon left me alone, rushing out of the alleyway, afraid Cam would take action. The last thing they wanted was to be caught.  
  
“I just wanna go home,” I whispered, the hazy feeling in my brain not subsiding yet, as Cameron knelt down beside me, asking me if I was ok. So, that’s exactly what we did. I was quiet the entire ride home, not wanting to tell Cam anything about it, too afraid I would burst into tears. All I did was try to get my thought to focus and stop being distorted and faint.  
  
I carefully got out of the car as soon as Cam pulled up on the side of the road of Jack’s house. He gave me a concerned look as I muttered a small goodbye, but still let me walk all the way to the front door without following me out. I would tell him later what happened, but now I just wanted to sleep.  
  
When I entered the house, I saw Jack walking out of the kitchen with a camera filming himself in one hand. I tried to ignore him being there, and did my best to rush past him so I could go upstairs. However, he grabbed onto my arm, trying to get me to look at the camera as well, but I kept turning and hiding my face so he wouldn’t see anything. Tears were now silently falling down my cheeks. I tried to pull my arm away, but he wasn’t allowing me. All I wanted was to lock myself away upstairs. But then Jack realized something was wrong, when he briefly looked at me.  
  
He put the camera down on the table just behind us, before holding my with both hands, forcing me to look at him. I wish I didn’t have to see his reaction as he saw all the damage done to me. He looked to heartbroken, angry, and sad. “What happened to you?”  
  
I shook my head and pursed my lips, trying to hold back my trembling lip and the tears that so badly wanted to come along with it. I had to be strong; I wasn’t going to let this get to me; I had to be strong!  
  
“Did Cameron do this to you?” he said with so much disbelief and doubt in his voice. He knew Cam wouldn’t do that, but he also didn’t know who else could have done it to me. I had only been around my brother, so it only made sense.  
  
Once again, I shook my head, but this time I couldn’t keep all the feelings in. Everything came out at once; the sobs, the tears, and the cries of pain. Jack caught me before I collapsed to the floor, and wrapped me in a tight hug, being careful for any bruises that were probably littering the rest of my body. He shuffled us towards the couch, and sat us down on it, pulling me onto his lap.  
  
“Who did this to you, baby?” he murmured into my hair, pressing kisses to my head, hoping to calm me down so I could talk. But I couldn’t tell him. He would flip out completely. So, for what felt like the millionth time that day, I shook my head. Jack, though, had somehow figured it out himself, “Did fans do this to you?”  
  
If possible, my crying got worse. Barely being able to breath through the panicked state I was in, I probably sounded like I was choking, which I basically was. Jack wrapped his arms tighter around me, taking my actions as a yes. I ignored all the pain that the pressure of his hug caused, taking in the warm feeling of him wrapped around me instead.  
  
When I finally calmed down a bit, Jack dared to speak up again, “I love you so much. Trust me when I say that no matter what they say or do, I will always love you, and only one. I promise. But right now, this has gone way too far, and I will do something about it, whether or not you’d like me to. They physically hurt you, and they mentally hurt me, and that’s not acceptable. I just- I just-” he stood up, picking me up with him before putting me back down on the couch. Disappearing upstairs, he left me confused as to what he was doing. It was like he was in the middle of a speech, but just decided to leave in the middle of it.  
  
But before I had time to freak out and overthink it, he came back downstairs, giving me a sympathetic smile. He sat down next to me and didn’t try to buy time before saying what he wanted to, “so… I want to give you this,” he took out a small black box, opening to reveal a golden and silver ring, decorated with small diamonds.  
  
“Jack,” I warned in a hushed and uncomfortable tone.  
  
“No, don’t worry,” he told me, looking me right in the eye as he continued, “I’m not going to propose to you just yet. You don’t want it, and I don’t think I’m ready for it either. But I want you to know I really do mean it when I love you. I want to promise you that I will always love you, and that I won’t let anything come in the way of that. Maybe we will never get married, but I still want to know that we will always be there for each other.”  
  
“Okay,” I nodded, not really being able to say much more, but Jack still smiled and started to take the precious ring out of the box, “but I can’t accept the ring. It must have cost you so much! I can’t accept that!”  
  
“I want you to have it,” he chuckled and grinned at how abstemious I was being, “trust me. I got it specifically for this. A day or two after you left when I was still on tour, Alex and I walked past a jewelry store. He wanted to get something for Lisa, so we walked in. And I found this ring, and I knew I just had to get it for you. It’s actually one half of a couple’s ring set. I got myself the other other, because I want people to know I’m taken and not looking for anybody. Alex thought I was going to propose to you, but I would never do that unless you would want me to.”  
  
“Okay, promise?”  
  
He slipped the ring onto my left ring finger before softly kissing my lips, careful not to make my busted lip worse.  
  
“Promise.”


	61. Knifes and Glasses, Both Sharp and Deadly

Another morning, any yet again I woke up drenched in sweat. On top of all the nauseating feelings coursing through my body, I knew I also had had a nightmare. It was the day after the girls had beaten me up, and I was very sore. Everything about me hurt; whenever I switched positions, a sharp pain would shoot through me, taking a deep breath would make my chest feel like it was collapsing, and even something as simple as reaching up to scratch my nose would be too much for me to handle. Everything was causing me trouble and I just wanted to give up. What made it even worse was the fact that I had no idea what my nightmare was about. All I could remember were agonizing screams, pain like I had never felt before, and the deep feeling of fear consuming me.  
  
Normally, I would be able to recall the events and tell myself what clearly told me that it was all fake and there was nothing to be afraid of… but this time was different. It was completely the opposite. Something about it seemed so real and tangible, like I was actually there despite knowing I obviously couldn’t have been. This was a dream, _none_ of it was real. _It just couldn’t be_! I was fine, and there was no logical reason why I was afraid. But the fact that I jumped when Taco suddenly jumped onto the bed proofed otherwise. I was petrified.  
  
Something happened, but I didn’t know what.  
  
I got out of bed, trying to ignore all the stabbing pain soaring through me; I just had to see if Jack was actually at home, or decided to leave me for a couple of hours. If the latter were true, then I’d be jumping at every small noise and shadow. Not knowing what happened in your dreams, especially if they got you scared like this, really was the worst thing to possibly happen.  
  
Before opening the door to the hallway, I walked past the full length mirror, catching a small glimpse of myself. I looked a lot worse than I originally expected in just one of Jack’s t-shirts and panties, but then again, I did bruise from the smallest things ever, so it was only natural that getting beat up made me look like I was hit by a truck. Not only did I have a black eye, a busted lip, and bruises covering my limbs, but when i raised my shirt, I saw that my whole side was a shade of purplish black, outlined by yellow. It looked absolutely horrifying.  
  
When I finally managed to waddle down the stairs, I heard Jack talking to somebody else. As soon as I entered the living room to reach the kitchen, I saw that Alex was comfortable sitting on one of the couches, a cup of coffee sat right in front of him on the coffee table.  
  
Jack smiled at my presence and happily chirped. “Morning!”  
  
“Fuck off,” I grumbled. I didn’t mean to be so moody, but I couldn’t help it. With the way I was feeling, you would agree. Bruises were littering my body and I could feel both men look at them all as closely as possible from where they were sitting. I could exactly guess why Alex was here. There was no doubt he was here because Jack had made him aware of the entire situation. I didn’t exactly mind that Jack told him, but what bugged me was that I didn’t know anything about somebody coming over. If I had, I would have made sure that I was wearing some pants, and not walking around showing off my beautiful legs that were purple and blue.  
  
The stares Alex gave me made me so uncomfortable. I know he meant nothing bad with it, but I didn’t exactly like anybody inspecting me. It was pretty obvious that I was hurt, there was no reason for him to want to see anything. I didn’t mind Jack looking at me like that (he had seen me in all my glory before), but even his gaze made me squirm.  
  
So, I went into the kitchen to take my medication. I would have been stupid to keep standing there for them to continue to examine me. If I felt uncomfortable, then I was going make sure I made it less uncomfortable for myself. Just standing there awkwardly wouldn’t get me anywhere. Having to take my medication was the best excuse there was. If Jack and Alex wanted to see all my beautiful bruises better, they would have to ask, and I’d maybe let them see everything, but what was going on now wasn’t going to work.  
  
I opened the cupboard where all the pills were kept, so they would just stand around in the kitchen or get lost, and grabbed the three bottles I needed: the medication I took for my seizures, my nausea medication, and some other shit I needed to take because of the chemo. It all tasted disgusting, and I didn’t even know what exactly I was putting in my body anymore.  
  
To make swallowing the pills easier, I went to grab a glass to get myself some water to drink along with it. Nearly making it fall over when I got the tall glass from the cupboard, I went to turn the tap on. But suddenly something flashed in front of my eyes. There was a knife pointed right at me, threatening to hurt me if I didn’t oblige. I screamed as loud as I could, dropping the glass right next to me. Trying to get away from the vision, I stepped backwards right into the shards. They pierced right through my foot, each cut burning and stinging more than the last. The image was gone, though. It was nowhere to be found.  
  
“ _What’s going on! Are you ok? What happened?!_ ” Jack rushed into the kitchen, leaving me surprised with how fast he had actually gotten here. He was looking around to see if there was anything going terribly wrong, until his eyes froze at my feet. A red liquid was already slowly starting to seep from underneath them. “You’re standing right in it! Oh my god, ok. Umm, let me get some shoes and help you out of there!”  
  
With that he ran back out of the kitchen, ordering Alex to get a chair for me to sit on as soon as I was no longer in the sharp ocean of clear class. I just continued to stand there in shock, trying to process what has just happened. Something seemed so familiar about that knife, but I didn’t know what it was from. It just seemed to set it me off. But, I mean, _who_ doesn’t freak out when they think they are being intimidated and menaced by a large kitchen knife?  
  
Jack returned back in no time, having something safe on his feet, and a pair of tweezers and bandages in his hands. He placed down the medical items on the empty counter, before slowly stepping through the dangerous sharp pieces on the floor to get to me. I wasn’t going to dare move my feet anymore, afraid I would only make the whole situation worse. Jack swiftly picked me up before carefully placing me on the chair.  
  
“I’ll clean it all up,” he nodded towards the mess I had made, but proceeded to raise one of my feet instead, getting the bandages and tweezers from their previous place, “But first, let’s get you cleaned up.”  
  
I sighed, already starting to feel dizzy from the entire situation. I had only been awake for fifteen minutes, and I already managed to make it one of the worst days ever. The whole thing just made me feel tired and numb, I couldn’t even feel Jack pulling out the small shards. I just tried to not look down at what he was doing, knowing it would make me be sick; I could deal with blood, but things being pulled out of my body made me feel very nauseous.  
  
“Nope,” Alex stated, standing up and swiveling on his feet, having leaned down to see what Jack had to work with, “That’s disgusting. I can’t see that.”  
  
I rolled my eyes as him, while Jack took the gauze and square bandaging to swathe the wounds formed on my feet, “It’s not that bad. This is a lot more disgusting,” I raised my shirt up to just below my chest to show off the bruise I was hiding on my ribs. It looked even worse with this lighting, making me happy that Jack was too focused on my feet to pay attention to what was happening between Alex and I.  
  
“Our fans did that?” Alex asked quietly, not believing it could be possible. I nodded in response, not wanting to hurt him anymore with giving him any details about the event. He shook his head in disbelief, “Did they also cause that scar?”  
  
Well, shit. I forgot about that. The fact that I had a bruise, totally made me forget about the one reason why I was insecure of taking my shirt off and why I felt anxious while wearing bikinis. It was weird that I forgot completely about it, and I did not know why it suddenly slipped my mind like that. However, that didn’t stop me from quickly pulling down the shirt again.  
  
“No,” I mumbled, feeling very self conscious. All I could do was wait for Jack to finish wrapping up my second foot. “It wouldn’t even make sense if it was because of them; a scar doesn’t just form overnight like that. I don’t know what it’s from.”  
  
“Ok, all done,” Jack smiled up at me, completely oblivious of the conversation Alex and I had been having. He got out of his crouching position and stood up, assessing the damage on the floor, “I’ll clean this up before it causes any more casualties.”  
  
I nodded, not feeling up to arguing about it. I would have told him I would do it, but that wouldn’t have been any use. The only thing that could happen with me trying to do that, would be me cutting myself even more. It was already very likely that these bandages weren’t going to hold for long, I did not need to waste anymore of the dressing.  
  
“I think I’ll just go back to bed and try today over again, it has not been going well at all,” I got up from the chair, careful with my footing so I wouldn’t hurt myself, or slip because of the fabric on the soles of my feet.  
  
Jack quickly kissed me, before I let my body transport me back up the stairs. I fell right back into bed, lying down on my stomach and pulling the duvet up over my head. The last couple of days, i had been able to deal with everything, but it was finally all getting to me. I just wanted to sleep and stay in bed forever until I finally had the energy of a normal human being again. Closing my eyes, I tried to stop thinking about everything so I could rest peacefully. I had to forget about everything that just happened, that I had a weirdass nightmare, all about the shit that went down the day before, and the fact that leukemia and chemotherapy were slowly consuming and ruining my entire body.  
  
I suddenly felt a hand on my back, and the bed dip to my side. I could already tell it was Jack, knowing that Alex wouldn’t just come up here and do something like this to me.  
  
“Hey, baby,” he placed a glass on the bedside table, drawing shapes through the blanket and ticking my back. “You forgot to take your meds, you should probably do that.”  
  
I groaned, popping my head out of the covers like a turtle coming out of it’s shell. Jack had been considerate enough to lay out the exact pills I had to take, so that I didn’t have to figure that out anymore. I popped them all into my mouth, drinking the entire glass of water to chase them. This time, I made sure to carefully place back to glass to make sure history wouldn’t repeat itself.  
  
Jack went to stand up again, by I wrapped my arms around his torso before he could do so. Placing my head in his lap, I looked up at him with a pout and puppy dog eyes. “Please stay.”  
  
“I have to get back to Alex...” he told me, but something about the way he ran his fingers through my hair lightly told me that he actually really wanted to stay here with me, “We are trying to figure out what to do with this whole hate thing going on. So far, we’re decided we're going to post that video, share it on Twitter and the band's website before taking a break from social media in general. It should tell everybody that stuff like this will have consequences.”  
  
“They’ll probably blame me for you guys not updating your Twitter feeds.” I muttered, not originally wanting to say it out loud.  
  
“If they do, then we’ll have to figure something else out.” he told me although he was confident that his plan would work and that people would actually leave me be. I, however, was pretty sceptical about the plan working, but things couldn’t get worse than they already were. He stayed silent for a little while before speaking up again. “What actually happened downstairs?”  
  
“I don’t know,” I sighed, taking his empty hand in one of my own and playing with his fingers, “I woke up from a nightmare, but I couldn’t remember anything from it. Then, in the kitchen, I had a weird hallucination, causing me to jump and drop the glass. It’s all really confusing me.”  
  
Jack sighed quietly, giving me a sympathetic smile. I was only having another side effect from chemo: delusions. “Well, if you wake up from another nightmare, just shout for me, and I’ll be here. As soon as Alex leaves, I’ll make sure to come up and cuddle with you anyway.”  
  
“Okay,” I grinned, letting go of his hand and getting off his lap so he could freely leave without me being in the way. At least I knew he was going to be there to help me through the other side effects as well. Not only did he hold my hair when I was throwing up, deal with my random grumpiness, but now he was also going to help me while I was basically having weird mental episodes that made me think there were things that weren’t there in reality.  
  
He really was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with.


	62. New Information at a Family Dinner

It was 2:30pm and Jack and I were still in our pajamas, hanging out on the couch while playing video games. We were supposed to leave at 3:30 to go to my parent’s for dinner, but I was just so comfortable on Jack’s lap, his arms wrapped around me to reach his controller, while mine were comfortably between his for me to be able to play with my own controller. You know, it was basically what all cute couples did when playing video games… something I never thought I would have been doing, let alone with Jack. But it was my reality now, along with the fact that I was bruised and sick.  
  
I snuggled further into his chest and sighed in content while I shot a couple more people on the screen. Jack placed a tender kiss on top of my head before resting his chin on it. We weren’t saying a word to each other, yet everything was still so comfortable. It was easy just being able to around each other without actually having to act a specific way. You often don’t realise it, but you put up a different act for everybody around you. With Jack it just wasn’t like that.  
  
However, moments like these couldn’t always last; if it were up to me and Jack, though, it totally would have. But, Cam had to once again come ruin it. He was supposed to pick us up and drive us, since my dad insisted on giving me and Jack the car he had talked to me about before. The only problem was that I still couldn’t drive. I was getting close to having the ok again, but this time I had to wait a bit longer than last time. So, it would have been useless for Jack to drive us there only to be stuck with two cars. However, we had made the mistake of telling Cameron that the front door was already open and that he could just walk in. He was an hour early.  
  
“Wow, I’m starting to think I’m not the lazy one here anymore,” Cam chuckled when he entered the living room without even letting us know he was here first. Jack and I could have been having a heated make out session, or even worse, sex, on the couch, and Cam would have walked right in on us. It wasn’t like we heard him coming inside over the sound of the loud videogame, and living with Jack meant that us being naked together often happened, except when I was feeling like absolute shit, of course.  
  
“Shut up,” I grumbled, annoyed that my brother managed to once again ruin my time with Jack, “at least we got out of bed.”  
  
“Didn’t we fall asleep here last night?” Jack laughed at me, reviving himself after he got shot by the opposing team.  
  
“Don’t tell him that!” I gasped, hitting his forehead lightly with my controller so I would get my point across, but not enough to actually hurt him. It happened before, I would playfully hit his arm and it would be a lot more painful than I had intended it to be.  
  
“You guys disgust me,” Cameron groaned, sitting down on a recliner to watch the game that we were playing.  
  
“And why’s that?” I asked him, not taking my eyes off the screen myself. I was just getting a good killing streak, I wasn’t going to let him ruin that for me as well.  
  
He looked at me with a disgusted face, scrunching up his nose before looking back at the action filled fighting going down, “just the way you guys are sitting and playing video games together,” he put his feet up on the coffee table… the one I had decided to clean just the day before… “it’s what cute couples do. Like, can you _not_?”  
  
I didn’t even care about the video game I was playing anymore. His dirty shoes were resting on the table I had cleaned completely with soap and everything. It was like the table had never been cleaned before, but was in desperate need of it. Maybe it was a good idea for me to move in here, just for the housekeeping Jack obviously didn’t do. But Cam also making a stupid remark like that just made me throw the hard plastic controller right at him. He let out a yelp of pain, but grabbed it to continue playing my game.  
  
“No,” I whined and slowly slid down Jack’s chest in self pity, reaching out for Cam, “gimme.”  
  
Cameron shook his head at me and pointed at the stairs, only quickly reaching back to the button to avoid getting hit by one of the fatal bullets, “you have to go get ready. Remember, aunt Doreen is going to be there, she will not hesitate to make comments about you.”  
  
“Well, then I’ve gotta cover my entire body in foundation and concealer,” I sighed, literally climbing out of Jack’s hold so I could stand up. It might have been a week after the entire incident, but that didn’t mean the bruises had gotten any better, quite the opposite actually. The bruises that had started to heal left a disgusting yellow color, while the ones on my face will still as purple as before.  
  
“I meant clothes and hair, not the other stuff,” he rolled his eyes at me. By now he already knew exactly what had happened, and my parents knew parts of it. I didn't want them hating Jack, so I occasionally added a white lie here and there. If possible, I would have never told them, but I knew I would show up today looking somewhat like this, so I thought it was better to tell them before hand than have to explain it all on the spot when we just arrived.  
  
“Ugh, fine,” I groaned, really not feeling like having to go up those stairs. Yes, I was pretty lazy, but that was only because the chemo made me so tired and feel sick, it wasn’t exactly my fault. “I’ll go take a shower, then.”  
  
“Ok,” Jack threw his controller to the other side of the couch and stood up as well ready to follow me the entire way, “I’m coming.”  
  
“Oh god,” Cameron moaned, and shivered thinking about what he thought was going to happen.  
  
“That is not my problem. You’re the one who decided to show up early,” I snickered although I knew Jack and I weren’t going to do anything but actually take a shower. Yes, he had tried to get me to do it, but I was nowhere near ready for that. On a scale of 1-10, my experience level was maybe a 1.5, there was no way that would ever end up without any injuries.  
  
\----  
  
You could say my experience level had gone from a 1.5 to a 2 after the shower. We were going to stay the night at my parent’s so we didn’t have to worry about driving back home late in a car Jack didn’t know shit about, and this way he would also be able to drink a lot more than just one or two glasses of wine. However, the problem was with having to actually sleep in my old room. You see, Jack and I hadn’t done anything lately because of all the pain I had all over my body, but that didn’t mean he got any less horny. So, while my brother now believed nothing had happened at all in the shower, I gave Jack a handjob… yep… I went there… _woah, so daring!_... not really. All I got in return was a hickey that blended in nicely with all the other colored splotches on my skin.  
  
You probably didn’t need to know that… _sorry_.  
  
Anyway, as soon as we entered through the gate to my parent’s house, I could already see my aunt’s car parked close to the front door. She always made sure to come early, so my family had the habit of giving her a different time whenever a party started. Would it officially start at six pm? Well, you’d have to tell her it started at 6:30pm. But, hey, it did mean she wasn’t stressing out as much on her wedding day…  
  
Speaking of which, I hadn’t seen her since then. She had met Jack that day and Jack and I had a couple of ‘issues’. It was very likely she didn’t even know about Jack also coming today, let alone that we were in a relationship and living together. Well, she was definitely going to freak out when she found out. As soon as I got to the age where it was normal for kids to start dating, she wanted to set me up with someone. Now that I actually found someone, somebody who she really wanted me to be with, and not tell her about it, boy was she going to be ecstatic.  
  
After Cam parked his car next to my aunt’s minivan and my dad’s fancy sport car, we all got out of the vehicle. The sight of the three cars next to each other caused me to giggle ever so slightly. They all had such different stories and contrasted each other perfectly. My dad’s car had recently been polished, making the black color act like a mirror. It was obvious he had way too much money. My aunt’s car wasn’t as clean, but it was still being well maintained. She had gotten the car when all my cousins were still kids, but now only the youngest, who was 14, was left over. And then there was Cam’s car; _oh, how ‘beautiful' is was_. Paint was scratched off, dirt was covering areas that normally weren’t as dirty, and it really looked like the whole thing could fall apart in no time.  
  
“Wait, which cousin is here again?” Jack stopped me before I could walk the last couple of steps to the large white double door that was expecting us. He had been asking me questions about who was coming over and over again, but he just kept forgetting what I was telling him. It was like he was the one with memory problems here.  
  
“My aunt Doreen’s youngest daughter. She’s 14 and isn’t the one who couldn’t keep her hands off you at the wedding. You probably didn’t meet her, I barely saw her other than when she walked up the aisle as a bridesmaid. Her name’s Sophie and she’s pretty shy, so stop worrying. It’s Dorren you have to be scared of. She doesn’t know about us being a thing yet.” I told Jack like the whole thing had been rehearsed, which was basically true, other than the last part. I had only thought of that small detail in the car. If I had remembered earlier, I would have made sure that my parents told her before hand or I would have even shot her a quick text (there was no way I would risk calling her and have to talk to her for three consecutive hours).  
  
“Oh god,” his eyes went wide, already knowing how bad this was going to be. He had only met my aunt once before, yet that was enough to know how excited she was. “I will not hesitate to sacrifice you when the time comes.”  
  
“I will take you down with me!” I giggled, catching up with Cam who had decided to ignore the couple talk, as he would call it, and just go straight for the front door. He was probably just pissed off that I was in a relationship and that he wasn’t. Now, it wasn't a big deal that he didn't have someone to love; it was more because of the whole aunt Doreen thing. She had been obsessing over my love life more than Cam’s, but now it was time for Cam to be in the spotlight.  
  
He rang the doorbell, but me being me, I quickly decided to press the button again as soon as his finger left it. After shooting me a quick glare, he pressed the button another time, trying to show that he was the one doing it. But I wasn’t having it. I gave him a goofy grin and decided to ring the doorbell straight after him again. With the amount of times we did it, the people inside were probably going crazy. The sound wouldn’t even finish yet and the small white button next to the door would be pressed again. All while doing this, Jack just awkwardly stood next to us, waiting to get inside.  
  
“Ah, Jack, come on inside,” my mom greeted while she finally had opened the large front door. She quickly glanced at Cam and I still fighting over the doorbell. “We’ll leave them out here until they’re finished.”  
  
“Jack’s here?!” I heard being called from further inside, footsteps coming closer. It was most definitely Doreen, still knowing exactly who Jack was. Jack had some weird kind of control over my family, after just a couple seconds of knowing him, they would already adore him, not that I minded or anything.  
  
However, this was my cue to stop teasing Cam and go inside as well. I really wasn’t looking forward to telling Doreen all about the relationship, but it was better to get it over with than have her be furious with me at the end on the day.  
  
I saw her rushing into the hallway just after I had entered the house. Taking a sneaky look around the place, I started making an escape plan incase she went all crazy and teary eyed on me. She got excited way too easily. I could only imagine how she reacted when my uncle finally proposed to her.  
  
“What are you doing here!” she exclaimed, wrapping Jack in a tight uncomfortable hug. He definitely didn’t seem prepared for it, but used his expert rockstar skills to make it seem like he actually didn’t mind it. He must have had to endure so many awkward hugs before, that this was only a minor thing.  
  
“What do you think?” Cam decided to join us, but something seemed to annoy him; something about me, as evident by the reply he gave. Maybe he just wanted to watch me suffer, maybe he thought it was funny, or maybe he wanted to get back at me. “Do you really think Ireland will come her without her boyfriend? I mean, they go everywhere together!”  
  
He then left me to deal with my hyperactive aunt who was so happy for me, while he just walked off to the dining room where I guessed my dad and cousin were. I tried to reciprocate her joy, but I really didn’t like all the attention. With the way Jack was standing there with the same exact posture as me, he didn’t seem to particularly like it either. We were both giving her small smiles and nods, but just stood still and stiff, while she kept gushing about the news she just heard. At least it was over and done with and didn’t interrupt something else.  
  
When I finally found the chance to slip away, I took it, only to find my dad boring Sophie with his business talk. I had to endure it most of my childhood, there was no way I was going to let her slowly be bored to death, just like me. So, I grabbed her hand and pulled her off the chair before dragging her along to my dad’s study, which was mostly used as a smaller living room. The only cool thing about this place was that there was an awesome CD player with speakers all over the room and a record player. I shouted a sorry to my dad, telling him the exact reason why I was taking her away from him, and made us sit down on one of the leather couches.  
  
Cam and Jack joined us only a couple minutes later. Sure, we three were technically classified as adults, but we definitely didn’t act like we belonged in the group. We were all kids at heart, and that meant we weren’t going to hang around the dull older adults while they talked about things that were actually significant. I could swear that I would fall asleep if I ever had to be around one of those conversations again.  
  
After turning on some music, Jack stood up announcing that he was going to go to the bathroom. Before leaving the room, he quickly looked at me with a very serious face, “I’ll call you if I get lost.”  
  
“And I’ll leave you in this maze,” I winked back. Taking a wrong turn would lead to you ending up on the wrong side of the house, and since Jack only actually knew about the rooms such as the living room, dining room, kitchen, and a couple small rooms around these, such as the one where we were situated now. However, there was still so much to this place that he didn’t know about.  
  
While he was gone, I decided to make conversation with my cousin. As I had told Jack, she was quite shy kid, and she was probably so apprehensive to say anything around three 20-something year olds. If she already had trouble talking to kids her age and kids younger than her, this must not have been easy. And I knew exactly how that felt. I had to make sure she felt ok and safe around us. If I had been her, I would probably already have freaked out and ran away crying… but that was probably because of my social anxiety, and not because of the fact that I was also shy…  
  
But we were cut short with Jack returning shortly after. He seemed excited about something, and I was ready to hear him talk about the soap dispenser or something. But no, he had actually found something that was remotely interesting, especially for me.  
  
“Babe!” He blurted out, looking between his phone screen and my face eagerly. This was like a whole new level of fuss and enthusiasm for him, and he already seemed to be pretty high on that scale. “I found out what you are!”  
  
“Oh no! He blew my cover!” I rolled off the couch and pointed a finger gun at him, adding a small sound effect when I acted like I shot him. To be honest, I didn’t even care about the fact that the impact of my falling on the floor hurt me. I had actually managed to get my cousin to chuckle and let out a small giggle.  
  
“No, seriously!” Jack proclaimed, thrusting his phone into my face. I could make out an article was open, but I couldn’t read a thing with how close the letters were. “Read it!”  
  
I sighed and grabbed the phone from him so that I could hold it at a reasonable distance from my face. At first I wanted to make a comment and joke about the fact that Jack had been using his phone on the toilet, but the article actually caught my attention.  
  
 _What is Demisexuality?  
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond._  
  
I continued to scroll through the piece of writing, taking in all the information, not daring to skip a word. It all made so much sense now-  
  
“Hey, Jack, let me show you that car,” My dad popped his head around the corner, making eye contact with Jack.  
  
Jack nodded, taking his phone back, leaving me with the thought…  
  
 _I was demisexual._


	63. New Things To Worry About

After staying the night and having had breakfast, it was time to go home. We still had to get ready for Jack’s parents who were going to be coming over in the evening. I don’t know how he managed it, but somehow Jack had managed for us to have a busy day again. He was one of the worst people I knew at planning. It was like he didn’t even try. Today was all over the place. We were still at my parents’ house, next we were going to meet his parents, and Cam was leaving. It was very likely that I would be able to wake up the next day. All my energy was going to be drained.  
  
Jack was excited, yet very nervous to drive our new car. He had gone on a couple of test drives in the neighbourhood, but now we were actually going to drive on the actual road. Of course he was going to be nervous. It was an expensive car, a fast car, and he wasn’t exactly used to how it drove. I should have probably been afraid for my life, but I just knew it was going to be fine. All I had to do was make sure he wouldn’t do some risky and sudden things.  
  
We had gotten all the stuff we had brought along from my bedroom, and went to the living room to say goodbye to my parents and Cam. I wasn’t going to see my dad for another while, since he had to go travel again in a couple of days, and Cam was going to leave later today, but I still had Jack here for another two weeks. So I wasn’t alone… _yet_. It was going to be difficult being all on my own. I would have to get a taxi whenever I had to go to the hospital, and if something went wrong at home, nobody would be there to help me. But I didn’t voice my fears to Jack. He had already promised me that if I started doing really bad before he left, that he would simply just not go on tour. He even got permission from the record label and anybody else who had a say in it. Everybody seemed to think this situation was very serious, which is was… technically. But I was convinced everything would go well.  
  
We were about to walk out to the front door, when my mom stopped us once again. Before I could even ask what made her want to keep us for any longer, she already started talking, “I still need to give you your birthday present! Cam’s already got his, but I haven’t had the time to give it to you yet!”  
  
“Oh,” I nodded, not even expecting to get a gift from her. My dad had already given me some money, which they always gave, and I had a phonecall with them that was reasonably lengthy, but I didn’t think they would do more and actually getting me something material. However, my mom still quickly disappeared into one of the many other rooms on this level.  
  
“I wasn’t sure what to get you, so don’t be disappointed,” she came back with a bag in her hands. I read the logo on it and rolled my eyes. It wasn’t that it was bad, it was just kinda weird to get something like that from your parents. I knew my dad always had a say in the gifts we received from them, if it was just my mom who gave it to me, I would not have been so embarrassed.  
  
She handed me the big Victoria’s Secret and shot me a wink, “there’s probably some stuff in there that Jack will like.”  
  
 _“Mom!”_ I gasped, acting offended, but also hoping to change the subject, “how dare you think Jack wears this kind of stuff!”  
  
“You know what I mean,” she teased again, nudging slightly.  
  
“Nope, I actually don’t,” I gave her a quick smile before grabbing Jack’s hand and giving it a small tug, really not wanting to have this conversation with my mom. You see, she did know I was a virgin, but I never actually told her that Jack and I were having sex. I mean, I might have told her this if it would have happened when I was a teenager, but now it was just _very_ awkward.  
  
The smirk slightly dropped from her face, probably thinking that she had gone somewhere where she shouldn’t have -- not in the sense of it being inappropriate, but it being in the sense of it being something that might have been wrong between Jack and I. “Don’t you guys have--”  
  
“Ok, no. Hold that thought,” I interrupted before she could go where I knew she was going. I pulled Jack behind me this time, dragging him to the hallway. There was no way I was having this conversation with my family. “I think it’s time for us to go.”  
  
“But the conversation was just getting interesting!” Jack whined and gave me a fake pout. Of course he would say that just to annoy me.  
  
“Bye, family!” I exclaimed as I opened the front door. I knew that I wasn’t going to see any of them for a while, especially Cam, but I really didn’t feel like risking going back. Besides, it wasn’t like one of us was going to die soon.  
  
After having to pull Jack’s weight along with me for a while, he decided to give in and just walk beside me. That guy could be pretty heavy and annoying if he really wanted to. But his excitement to drive the car took over the part in his brain that caused him to be like this, and he quickly also said a bye to my family before I closed the front door. He gaped at the car while he held the keys in his hands. It was like he was frozen while he just eyed it like he was checking out a girl.  
  
I rolled my eyes and chave him a small nudge to bring him out of his trance. He shook his head and unlocked the car. As gentlemanly as he was, he ran over to open the passenger door for me and gave me a goofy grin as I stepped in. He quickly ran around the front after closing my door and got in himself. I looked over at him and saw his eyes sparkle. This was probably any little boys dream to drive a car like this, and now it came true. I couldn’t help but smile at how cute it was.  
  
And off we went. It took a while for Jack to get a hang of the power the vehicle had, but in no time he had gotten it under control. Sure, I occasionally feared for my life, but that was normal around Jack. He just managed to do the weirdest shit ever.  
  
We were both surprised to see two cars already in the driveway as soon as we got home. Not only was Jack’s car happily waiting there, but another red one was placed right next to it. It couldn’t possibly be his parents already, because it certainly didn't seem like a car they would own. There also wasn’t anybody else we were expecting… and then I saw the figure sitting at our front door.  
  
As soon as Jack had managed to park the car right behind his, nearly having hit it and ruined both cars, I jumped out. He called out after me, but I beelined straight to the faded purple hair. She was shaking, her head resting between her knees while her hands ran over her face. I could hear her quiet crying as I got closer to her. Jack seemed to have seen what I was heading for, because he stopped asking me what I was doing and decided it was a good idea to turn off the engine instead.  
  
I quickly sat down next to the friend I hadn’t seen since the last time we went to the hospital together and wrapped my arms around her. There was nothing that could give me a lead to why she was crying, so I could only think of the worst. She had lost the baby. But it seemed impossible to me. That couldn’t possibly be true. Everything was perfectly fine just weeks ago.  
  
So, I decided to just keep my mouth shut and let her cry on my shoulder. I couldn’t just jump to conclusions like that. I first had to listen to what she had to say. Maybe it wasn’t anything like that; maybe it wasn’t even about anything like that. There were so many possibilities.  
  
“Let’s get you guys inside,” Jack had kneeled infront of us, but decided it was going to be better to talk about this somewhere comfortable. With Abagail pregnant and me slowly dying, it probably was a good idea. He stood back up and unlocked the door.  
  
Abagail stood up with me and we both made our way inside. I guided us over to the couch and made sure we didn’t sit on Taco as we fell back onto the soft surface. The whole couch bounced as we did so, and my attempt to not wake Taco was a complete fail. She jumped away and rushed over to where Jack was standing. Just like I had predicted, they really had become attached to each other.  
  
After a while, Abagail had ran out of tears and I took this time to ask her what was going on. It actually surprised me that she came here. I kind of felt like we weren’t really friends anymore. Yes, we did have that special moment when I stayed with her for the ultrasound, but after that we just sort of lost contact. I was too busy being sick, and she had to make sure she didn’t do anything to the baby.  
  
“I can’t do it,” she choked out and shook her head, “I was supposed to meet him today, but I can’t do it! What if he sees me and doesn’t want anything to do with me or the baby!”  
  
I frowned, confused with her short but to the point confession, “but wasn’t he coming here weeks ago? I remember you told me he was coming only days after the first doctor’s appointment… or am I getting this wrong?”  
  
“No,” she confirmed, looking up at me with her puffy eyes, “he had to stay back for work, he didn’t get the time off he wanted. But he’s here now. I don’t know what to do!”  
  
“Go out and meet him,” I told her, but I wasn’t going to let it at that. I understood where she was coming from. This was probably very difficult for her. I would also have freaked out if I found out I was pregnant and Jack and I weren’t even together. “Sure, there is a possibility that things will go wrong, but it’s so much more likely that it will go well! I mean, he’s already coming over here! If he didn’t want anything to do with you, he probably would be spending his money on an expensive ticket. And if the worst happens, Jack and I are still here for you.”  
  
“I’ll be the best uncle ever!” Jack exclaimed with Taco purring in his arms. Somehow over the course of the last couple of weeks, he had managed to figure out how to hold her. He no longer jumped and freaked out.  
  
“Ok,” Abagail chuckled, drying her last tears away. Of course it was going to be Jack who would cheer her up. Maybe it wasn’t Jack’s baby, and maybe she had an affair in Iceland, but I just knew she still had some sort of feelings for Jack. It was just the way she immediately perked up when he comforted her and the fact that she showed Jack the photos first. Jack probably didn’t know, but to me it was pretty obvious.  
  
“I should probably go…” she said after another while of silence, “I’m going to be late otherwise.”  
  
“I’ll show you out,” Jack grinned at her, making her blush. He walked her to the door, Taco still comfortably in his arms. I sighed as I saw her give him a small glance with a sneaky smile. This was not going to end well…  
  
\----  
  
Jack and I were sitting on one end of the table while his parents were on the opposite. We were about halfway through our meal, laughing and talking with each other. My energy was definitely drained already. Too much had been happening in one day, and I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t tell Jack, but I had been feeling my health continuing to get worse and worse. The side effects of the chemo were really getting to me, my nightmares kept occurring and getting worse, and I could sleep for an entire day.  
  
I was just too afraid Jack wouldn’t go on tour if he knew how I actually felt. He kept telling me he would stay if I wasn’t doing well. And although that was to comfort me, it didn’t really do that. It only made me afraid to show how weak I actually was. Things would be unfair if I was the reason for him not to travel the world. That was the last thing I wanted. However, Jack still wanted protection over me while he was gone. So, that was what the conversation had turned to over time. My dad was going away for work, my mom was going on a trip to Sweden, and my brother was going to be in LA while Jack was gone. So they couldn’t take care of me…  
  
“Of course I’ll come over a couple of times a week,” Joyce winked at me, while agreeing to Jack’s plan. She sensed exactly that Jack was the only one who actually needed this, “If it makes you happy, I’ll even want to stay the night here to make sure it’s all good.”  
  
Although that was sort of supposed to be a joke, Jack still answered, “if you wouldn’t mind. I don’t want anything happening to her.”  
  
Jack was way too concerned. I rolled my eyes, but still let him make the plans. Going against him would be a bad idea. I didn’t want him getting mad at me. It was better to have him be overprotective now than have him want to leave me.  
  
“Hello!” The front door slammed shut and my brother appeared around the corner. He looked taken aback by Jack’s parents being here. He probably thought he was just going to run into me and Jack playing video games with beer all around us again.  
  
“Cam?” I questioned. Wasn’t he supposed to be on a plane right now?  
  
“Wrong time?” He looked back at the front door, asking is he had to leave, “I can come back later.”  
  
“No you can’t; aren’t you supposed to be at the airport right now?”  
  
“Oh yeah, right,” he jogged up to be and put an envelope face down next to me, “I gotta get going. Don’t open that before I’m gone, or you’ll kill me.”  
  
And with that he left the house, like he had never actually been here and it was one of my weird hallucinations. But the envelope was still at my right hand. As soon as the door closed again, Jack asked me what was inside. I slowly opened it and sighed at what I found inside.  
“I am definitely going to kill him,” I mumbled.  
  
I didn’t need his money.


	64. The Calm Before The Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Smut Warning*

“I think it’s time to call it a night and go to bed,” Jack mumbled against my hair and nuzzled his nose against me. I was practically sitting in his lap, snuggled into his chest and gently held in place by his long, protective arms. We were watching a movie and had cuddled up on the couch. The movie had already ended hours ago, but we were still there, mindlessly staring at the blank screen in front of us. Funny thing, it didn’t matter whether we were watching something or not; all that mattered was that we were near each other. To us, that was enough.  
  
“No,” I whined and wriggled around to try and keep him on the couch. To be honest, I was starting to get pretty tired myself, but I wasn’t ready just yet. Going upstairs and to bed meant that Jack would be leaving me, and I wasn't quite ready for that. Not yet.  
  
“I have to wake up at 5am, though...” He told me with a yawn, not attempting to push me off yet.  
  
The next day, he was going to leave on yet another tour for just over another two months. The last couple of days, because they were our last, we had been around each other more, but it only made the whole thing a lot more difficult. And the worst part was that they were going to be going to the UK for two weeks. Not only was he going to be even further away, but Jack kept telling me that he wanted me to come over for the couple of days they were in Ireland. He was going on and on about what he wanted to show me, but I knew deep inside that I probably wasn’t going to be able to. The doctors had told me I hadn’t been making much progress the last couple of weeks, especially compared to the improvements I had made when I just started chemo. I was staying at the same level, if anything it was getting worse again.  
  
“Ok,” I pouted before letting out a small cough. The first time Jack heard me cough, he freaked out and thought I was going to be seriously sick, but I told him it was probably just a cold. It was always around this time of year that I somehow got a cold. The weather change just always got me.  
  
Jack returned my pout and ran his fingers through my hair, smoothing out the tangles that had formed. I didn’t know how much longer the brown locks were going to still be on my head. Luckily, I hadn’t had any signs of it happening anytime soon, but stuff like that could suddenly happen. I was going to enjoy it for now. If it did happen, I would deal with it; if it didn’t happen, then that was great too. The only thing that mattered was that Jack had already assured me countless of times that he wouldn’t stop loving me, even if I didn’t look the way I wanted to.  
  
“You’re a bit hot...” he frowned, placing the back of his hand against my forehead. The metal of his ring sent a small shock through me; I wasn’t sure if it was because of the temperature difference or because of the sentimental meaning it had.  
  
I played the slight fever off with a cheesy joke, “Hmm, I’m only wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, I don’t think I look _that_ hot.”  
  
“Ha ha ha, very funny,” Jack playfully rolled his eyes and shook his head at me, “Seriously, though, I don’t want you playing it off like it's nothing, because you don’t want me staying home for you.”  
  
“It’s fine, Jack. It’s just the chemo, a side effect. Nothing to worry about. I have two more weeks to go, then I have a week off and then another three weeks before seeing what to do next. Everything will be fine,” I sighed and leaned forward to place my lips softly against his.  
Jack didn’t hesitate to delicately move his lips along with mine, his hands gingerly placed on my waist for extra support. It was likely this was going to be our last real kiss for a long time, so we had to make the most of it. While I was fine with it going like this, Jack had a specific direction he wanted this to go. He made his kisses rougher and needier, me happily going a lot with his pace. My hands trailed up his chest elegantly before making their way into Jack’s messy and unstyled hair. I pulled gently, earning a throaty groan from the man I was giving all my love to. In response, his grip got tighter and he pulled me closer so I was straddling him. He seemed to think he was getting his way.  
  
I pulled away and climbed out of his lap, stretching out and turning myself into the direction of the stairs, “you said you wanted to go to sleep. I’m pretty exhausted myself. If we go now you’ll still have five hours of sleep.”  
  
“Such a tease,” Jack grumbled, but pushed himself up nonetheless.  
  
“Just kissing my boyfriend, ain’t nothing wrong with that,” I skipped towards the stairs and starting going up. Jack was close behind me and turned off the light. I could already sense what he was going to do as he moved even closer, but I still wasn’t prepared. As his hand collided with my ass, I jumped and slid down two steps, being able to steady myself with the handrail.  
  
 _“Jack!”_ I exclaimed, glaring at him. This always happened if he did that. I would always fall down the stairs, and he knew that would happen! This occurrence happened way too often before.  
  
“Sorry, couldn’t resist myself,” he smirked coyly, but still held his hand out for me. I slapped his hand away and walked the rest of way by myself. He knew I hated it when he did that. It wasn’t exactly the ass-slapping I hated, it was where he did it. Often it was just as a joke or for fun, and I didn’t mind that in the kitchen or wherever, no the stairs just was a no-go.  
  
Jack went straight for the closet to get changed, while I went to the bathroom.  
  
“I’m going to take a quick shower,” I announced, opening the door to where I was planning on going.  
  
“Want me to join?” he continued to put up his ‘seductive’, yet annoying, act.  
  
“Emphasis on _quick_ , Jack, emphasis on quick.”  
  
With Jack not interrupting once, my shower really was speedy. I could have sworn it was a new record for me. After quickly brushing my teeth and drying off, I hung my wet towel up on the rack and got ready to leave the bathroom. I was about to ask Jack if he wanted to go in before I turned the light off, but he was already snuggled up underneath the covers. Rolling my eyes, I ran out of the bathroom as quickly as possible and into the bed. Jack eyes followed my naked body as I rushed to the warmth while he chuckled.  
  
“Getting in bed naked, I see?” he laughed, going to turn around to face me. I was glad to hear and see he stopped his cockiness and instead went back to his normal self, otherwise I would not have done what I did next.  
  
I nodded and got on top of his bare torso before he could get on his side. Jack looked shocked and taken aback, but his eyes quickly started blazing. He knew exactly what my plan was, and he definitely liked it. I pressed my lips against his, continuing the pace we had started in the living room. A shiver ran through me, intoxicating every part of my body with need. Jack’s fingertips pushed into my hips, causing me to grind lightly against him, my searing body already wanting more.  
  
An aberrant dizzy feeling came over me when Jack was suddenly hovering over me, my back softly lying against the mattress. Taking control of the situation, he leaned down and peppered wet kisses on my neck, sucking and tugging lightly at my skin. His hands found their way to my breasts, teasing me like it was the only thing he was able to think of, like it was his mission. I let out a faint moan, clinging onto him for dear life. This was the most pleasure I had felt, my heart racing and drowning in ecstasy.  
  
I dug my fingers involuntarily underneath his shoulder blades when he found the sweet spot just behind my ear, nipping at the skin with a small force. My desire for him grew with every movement, aching to feel him closer to me, wanting him to give me exactly what I needed.  
  
Jack broke away from my skin, making our gazes meet. His eyes were filled with as much desire as I was feeling. He gave me a small smile before letting our lips connect again. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him down, wanting to feel him against me. His growing hardness rubbed against me through his boxers, causing the tingling sensation to amplify.  
  
“Not yet, baby,” he whispered against my lips, keeping the small distance. Our breathing mixed together, creating a dizziness that neither of us could handle. One of his hands left my breasts and started rubbing my thigh instead. Slowly but surely, the movement went inwards and got closer to where I wanted him the most.  
  
I couldn’t help the small gasp that escaped my lips as one of his fingers carefully and slowly slid into me. My back arched, begging for him to do more. As he entered another, I pulled him down to meet my lips, muffling the low moan I let out. Every movement we made, every action we took was slow, showing each other how much we loved each other. This felt special. His touch was loving, my breathing becoming heavier with how blissful it felt. Jack took his time with me, no longer in a hurry and thinking about what was to come the morning after. All that mattered was this moment.  
  
“I love you so much,” he mumbled, taking his fingers out agonizingly slow. He sat up slightly to take his boxers off, leaving me cold even though we were underneath the covers. After throwing them somewhere onto the floor, he returned his attention fully back to me. My body ached for him while he kissed me once again, letting his hands roam around my body one last time.  
  
It didn’t take long for him to get started after that. He broke away shortly to align himself with me, getting ready to start and have a nice rhythm. The only thought in my mind was that he was so close to me. His small movements made it feel like he was purposely teasing me, hoping to get me to beg. But that was only in my mind, he wanted this to start happening as much as I did.  
  
Just as he was about to push in, I placed my hand on his chest, muttering the last word I would have believed to escape my lips, “wait.”  
  
Jack stopped immediately, his gaze moving up to look me in the eyes. It wasn’t just surprise that glazed over them, but also concern and worry. He didn’t move an inch anymore, “what’s wrong?”  
  
“It’s just--” I wasn’t sure how to ask what I wanted. I didn’t even know how to do what I wanted! It was a stupid idea. Jack and I could have been going at it already, but I had to break it off. “No, nevermind, it’s fine.”  
  
“Ireland,” Jack warned, not showing any signs of giving in, even though another part of his body was desperately hoping for him to succumb already.  
  
“No, really, it’s fine.”  
  
“As much as it pains me to say this, my dick is not going in you, woman, unless you tell me what’s wrong.”  
  
I let out a small sigh, his determination making me chuckle just a bit, “It’s nothing… I was just… just wondering if I could maybe, ya know, try being on top.”  
  
He smirked down at me, biting his lip to keep the smile that was forming on his lips away. Without warning, he held on to my waist and flip us over. I was straddling him, both my clammy hands on his bare shoulders, my hair creating a wavy curtain around us, shielding us from the world.  
  
“Oh, I can definitely get used to this view,” Jack grinned excitedly, letting his hands travel up my sides before lightly resting them on my breasts. I didn’t wait to lean forward, causing his hands to be wedged between both our chests, my lips hungrily massaging his. This couldn’t be too difficult.  
  
I shuffled back a bit to make myself more comfortable, accidentally making myself brush up against his most sensitive area. He let out a loud groan, squeezing my breasts in the process, causing me to emit a moan as well. We were both already a mess and we couldn’t deny it.  
  
“Although you have control right now, you better get started soon,” Jack pleaded, the flame that was once hinted in his eyes now a full blown fire.  
  
I did as he wanted and first sat down on his thighs so I could see better what I was doing. Maybe I didn’t even know what I was supposed to do, but I prefered to get some sense of what I was getting myself into. But I couldn’t even worry about that before I noticed something else that was off.  
  
“Oh, shit.” I giggled in relief. “We nearly forgot a condom. We were so close to making a terrible mistake.”  
  
I quickly reached out to Jack’s bedside table and opened the drawer. He had more than enough and we weren’t going to run out any time soon. I took one out and opened the wrapper and took out what we needed.  
  
“I like the fact that you say ‘we’ and don’t blame it all on me,” Jack smiled at me before letting out an exhale as my finger brushed over him while I put the condom on.  
  
“It’s not just your responsibility,” I simpered. Not wanting to waste anymore time, I got over my fear and lowered myself down onto him.  
  
We both let out a small gasp as the contact we had been begging for was finally made. This was a whole new feeling for me. Different angles were already being used, and places that hadn’t been explored were being stimulated. This definitely felt different, but is was a very good different.  
  
Slowly but surely I started rocking back and forth, creating more friction until I reached a nice steady rhythm. Jack helped me, guiding my hips and thrusting up in me at the same time. Everything in combination felt so blissful and euphoric. With my panting getting faster and faster, I dug my fingers in his shoulders, trying to keep myself steady.  
  
And then it happened. I had repositioned myself just a bit to make sure my leg wouldn’t start tingling. But what I didn’t expect was the sudden feeling of pleasure mixed with fire bursting through me. I let out a loud incomprehensible sound that could only match the feeling I was experiencing. My nails dragged down Jack’s chest, trying to get ahold of something. Whatever happened next, I needed to feel that again. But before I could grind into him again, I was already being flipped around once again so I was now on the bottom.  
  
“Found it,” Jack muttered, slamming into me and hitting the same spot over and over again. It was now his back’s turn to be scratched as I couldn’t think of any other way to show how I was feeling.  
  
It kept building up more and more as I moaned out his name for the first time. His hand went down, torturing me more with the pressure that was building up. I had never felt like this before, but it was certainly one of the best feelings in the world.  
  
Electricity ran through me as the spring inside me coiled as tight as possible before being released. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back completely into the pillow, allowing Jack to finish off what he had gotten me into. I didn’t know whether or not what I was doing was right, but I couldn’t care less. The shockwaves had caused me to dissolve into pleasure.  
  
As soon as I had reached it, it ended, Jack still going strong. He continued to thrust into me with a constant speed, but as he hid his head in my neck I could feel how shaky he was getting. The small profanities he breathed out were warm on my skin. Not much longer after that he reached his orgasm and let go. He collapsed onto me, fully putting his weight on my frail body. But at that moment I really didn’t care.  
  
We caught our breath before Jack decided it was a good time to pull out and roll over. He quickly ran out of bed to throw away the condom before climbing back in beside me. I didn’t even have time to figure out what he went to do. However, as soon as his sweaty body was close to mine again, I got onto my side and let my arm drape around him.  
  
He seemed so proud, glad to have finally given me an orgasm after trying every single time. If I had known it felt like that, I would have Jack let me finish off all those times he had offered. He was my first for many things, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  
  
“I’ll try not to wake us up by being sick again,” I said quietly, half joking but also being serious before cuddling into his chest, letting my head rest of it’s side.  
  
“I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered after quite sometime of silence. But I didn’t reply. I acted like I was sleeping, enjoying our last hours together, “ _please_ don’t leave when I’m not here.”


	65. Random Gifts from a 'Random' Person

There was a small shake trying to wake me from my peaceful slumber. This was the best I had slept in a while… but that might also have been because Jack had managed to tire me out quite well. I was actually pretty surprised that I had fallen asleep so quickly on his chest. Nowadays, it took me quite some time to get comfortable. I guess being naked with my boyfriend was the most comfortable my body could get, which seemed pretty weird to me, but completely made sense on the other hand.  
  
But since this was my first night not waking up feeling like all hell was breaking loose, I didn’t want to get up yet. Every single night, I had woken up at least once, having to throw up until there was nothing left in my stomach. This one time I hadn’t woken up once, but somebody else was trying to get me to. All I wanted was one good night’s rest; to sleep through the entire night without having any complications. Just one night was what I was asking for! That was all I wanted, nothing more, nothing less. Was it really so much to ask for?  
  
Wait… maybe I hadn’t been asleep for that long yet. It might have only been about half an hour or even less! Sleeping always causes a messed up sense of time. But it felt like it had been quite some time. However, it happened before. I thought I had actually slept for hours before I had to run to the bathroom that one night, but it turned out to be only 15 minutes. So… maybe everything I said before didn’t even fit.  
  
Still, I didn’t feel sick, and I was still tired. So, I didn’t want to wake up yet. The bed was nice and warm, the duvet covering my body in a comforting embrace. I actually felt like I hadn’t been as comfortable as this before. Surprisingly, I was able to lie on my stomach, my boobs not getting in the way for once. The pillow formed around my face in a subtle way, and I could feel myself sinking away in the mattress. It just felt to soft to touch, the duvet not adding any weight.  
  
My eyes were threatening to flutter open, the shaking still happening at regular intervals. This person was really determined to wake me up, but at the same time they weren’t too desperate. The nudges were small and delicate, not at all harsh and urgent. So, the person probably didn’t think I was dead, or otherwise I would have been nearly thrown to the other side of the bed  
  
 _Other side of the bed_ … it was pretty empty… I was no longer sleeping on top of Jack, but he also wasn’t beside me anymore. When did this happen? How didn’t I wake up? I mean, I must have been asleep on top of Jack before he got out of bed. Right? He must have really carefully placed me beside him, having been able to move me away without waking me. _Or was I already on my own side?_ It also could have been very possible. While Jack and I were always all over the place in the beginning of our friendship and relationship, we had managed to stay more on our own side of the bed now. It was probably because we actually had a side of the bed at this stage. Before, we just slept wherever. It was just more controlled now, I guess. I still liked cuddling with Jack the most, though.  
  
“Baby, wake up,” the person now started quietly talking as well. You probably already guessed it, it was Jack. _Of course it was!_ I mean, who else would it be? I had chemo brain, so don’t judge me. Things that were supposed to be very simple just seemed to be so confusing and puzzling for me. I was lost in my thoughts, overthinking things and thinking about stuff weirdly more frequently than I was not.  
  
But, with the confirmation that it was Jack, I actually decided to let my eyes have their way and slowly open to be met with Jack fully clothed, sitting on the edge of the bed. He smiled when he finally got me to show signs of life, stroking away the hair of my face. I leaned into the slow touch slightly, but not enough to lift my head off the bed. His fingers felt warm against my cold tired skin. _I was definitely going to miss that._  
  
“I’ve got to go now,” he told me in a whisper as if he didn’t want to wake me too much. It was funny how people did that. If the environment around them was quiet, they automatically started whispering. And that’s exactly what I meant with chemo brain. Most people said it affected their memories, but I obviously already had that problem, so it affected me a bit differently. And there we go again, me going completely off topic.  
  
“No,” I whined, moving my head on top his lap and wrapping my arms around his torso. He let out a small chuckle, running his fingers from my long locks one last time. His shirt rode up slightly from my arms bunching up the fabric in the back. I moved closer and kissed his side, trying to lure him back into bed with me.  
  
“Trust me, I wish I could stay here with you,” he mumbled and gently let his knuckles stroke my cheek.  
  
“I’ll miss you.”  
  
Jack didn’t have to answer to that. I felt a warm drop of liquid fall just next to my nose. But it wasn’t my tear… it was Jack’s. I looked up at his face this time. His eyes were watery, more tears on the verge of free falling. Instead of trying to keep him trapped here, I let one of my hands run through the side of his hair instead. I didn’t want him crying.  
  
He got off the bed and kneeled beside it instead, so we were now at each other’s eye level. Everything about him looked even sadder from this angle. Not only were they watery, but the spark inside his eyes was dull and heartbroken. We just stayed there for a while, looking at each other. His lip trembled fairly, causing him to try and keep it steady by biting it. More tears started falling.  
  
“I’m going to miss you so so much, ok? I love you with all my heart, and nothing will get in the way of that. Just remember that. Whatever happens. I’m going to be thinking about you all the time. With just one call, I’ll hop onto the plane and get right back here, no matter what the circumstances. Just remember all that. I love you so much,” he stopped for a second, allowing a sound he was desperately trying to hold back, escape, _“I’m so sorry.”_  
  
He kissed me one last time. Letting all his feelings through it in one go: pain, love, sorrow, and hope.  
  
\---  
  
There was another shaking. My mind immediately went to it being Jack. But no. That wasn’t possible. He already left. He was on a plane by now, making his way all the way to the other side on the country. It wouldn’t be for another three months before I would be able to actually see him in person. There wasn’t going to be me visiting this time. I just couldn’t do it. Chemo was too important for that. There was never a time for it, and Jack never had extended days off, at most they were only one day. It was just going to be seeing each other through a computer screen for all that time instead. But, hey, I shouldn’t have been complaining. There used to be a time when that wasn’t even possible.  
  
“Hey, Ireland,” the new person said, “Jack said to wake you if you didn’t get yourself up before 12.”  
  
Yeah. That was a thing. Although I needed a lot of rest, it was also important for me to keep a normal-ish sleeping schedual. So, the doctor said to start small and always make sure I was at least up by 12. That way I’d still have a partial day to do things and not feel like I was wasting time away. It had been Jack’s job for weeks, but now it was his mom’s.  
  
I stretched out a little, extending my arms against the headboard and making my toes point, before realising I was completely naked underneath these covers. One wrong move and Joyce would see everything. Nope, I was not letting that happen. That was only for her youngest son to see, nobody else.  
  
Instead of rolling over, I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at her, “thanks. I’ll, umm, be right down.”  
  
“Ok,” she gave me a similar smile to the one Jack always gave me, “do you need any help?”  
  
My eyes went slightly wide as I shook my head, “no, no, no, that’s completely fine. You can go back to what you were doing before. I’m sure Jack has already told you that you shouldn’t hesitate to do anything and just act like you're at home.”  
  
“Yes, yes, he has,” she nodded before standing up straight again, “I’ll see you in a bit then.”  
  
With that she walked out of the bedroom, softly closing the door behind her. As much as I wanted to close my eyes again and fall asleep, I knew I couldn’t. Doctor’s orders. I actually got out of bed this time, throwing the covers off me in one go. I immediately shivered, no longer being protected by the warm cloth.  
  
Everything already seemed so different without Jack here. It was a whole lot quieter now than it was with him somewhere in the house. He didn’t even have to make a noise, but the place just felt so much emptier. And I didn’t really like it. It was like there was a big part missing; like there was a large hole somewhere in the house. Also, the closet was very empty. Half of his clothes were gone along with the suitcases that were at the bottom.  
  
Speaking of which. The closet. On one of the hangers on Jack’s open side, there was a yellow post-it note. I frowned, not being able to read the orange writing on top of it from the place I was sitting on the bed. Not only were the colors clashing, but the writing was too small the read from such a distance, especially without wearing my glasses. I put my feet onto the floor and walked to the mysterious note, but immediately grinned when I read what it said.  
  
 _For when you’re feeling alone, or sad, or just generally bad. I wore it two or three times since it was last washed, so it shouldn’t be dirty ;)_  
  
I took the post-it off and checked out the clothing article. It was one of Jack’s favourite black Raven’s hoodies. He left it here for me, for when I wanted to feel close to him. I was so tempted to put it on right at that moment, but I decided to wait an actually keep it for when I felt like what Jack had described. That way it wouldn’t lose it’s meaning.  
  
Now, I was just going to wear what I normally wore if I didn’t leave the house: sweatpants with a baggy t-shirt. I did, however, decide to wear some of the comfortable-looking underwear my mom had gotten me. Gray and pink cotton underwear was comfortable in my book, at least. After throwing that on, I went to the mirror the run a brush through my knotted hair. With it being so long, it always went all over the place. But, what I kept saying: enjoy it while it lasts.  
  
So, I went downstairs, expecting to maybe have a quiet breakfast/lunch/brunch thing with Joyce, where at least I would be eating something. Basically nothing different from my usual routine, but as soon as I was at the bottom of the stairs, I already knew that that wasn’t going to be happening. There were more gifts. A red wrapped box was on the dining table along with a bouquet of flowers and a card. But that wasn’t what got most of my attention. There was an empty scrapboard hanging on the wall a couple of feet away from me. Well, it was empty except for a lone post-it.  
  
What the fuck had Jack done?  
  
I went to the board first, wanting to know what got him to put that up. Don’t even ask me how he hung it up. There was obviously a nail in the wall, but I didn’t recall him ever putting it there, and it sure as hell didn’t happen during the night… Unless he drugged me, which he probably didn’t do. Everything he was doing for me this time just seemed so cheesy and I really didn’t know why he was doing it all for me! I didn’t recall Valentine’s Day or any anniversary of some sort coming up. It was June. Nothing happened in June… except for the pride days, but that couldn’t be why Jack did this for me. Well… maybe… with my new discovered sexuality and such. But no, that didn’t make sense.  
  
Once again, the post-it had a pretty sappy message:  
 _I thought I would finally end your complaining and finally get you something to organise all your thoughts with. No more not being able to visualize it all! Now you can put pictures up and shit! Don’t ask me why I did it, I just wanted to. You better use it though, seriously. There is a permanent hole in this wall now and we don’t have any artwork to hang up here._  
  
I turned to Joyce who had been watching me, and rolled my eyes, “I really don’t know why he’s done all this. Am I missing something? Should I have done something for him?”  
  
She chuckled at me and my confusion, “he just loves you a lot.”  
  
“Oh. Ok,” I mumbled, somehow being taken aback by her short and simple answer. It always meant a bit more if it came from somebody who was really close to the person. It just made it all more real. “I guess that’s a good reason too.”  
  
“He’s interrogated me a couple times, making sure I call him as soon as something goes wrong. He really doesn’t want anything happening to you. While one one hand it’s pretty terrifying with how serious he is about it, it’s also very sweet,” she smiled at me as I sat opposite from her at the table.  
  
“Trust me, he’s done the same to me. I’ve just given up on saying anything back. It’s a lot easier to just agree and say you’ll do it,” I laughed and took the gift in my hands. I guessed it was time to open that as well. But first, the card.  
  
I’m going to spare you guys the corny and mushy details of what he wrote in his messy handwriting. It basically consisted of him telling me how much he loved me and how much he was going to miss me. For a more accurate representation, I could say it was like his little speech before I fell asleep again, but with the stupid jokes from the notes. It was Jack being someone I would never have expected him to be when I had only known him for a short while. And yes, there was also a small part about him never having expected to be in love with the girl that freaked out after accidentally falling asleep on him while watching Wall-E.  
  
And the gift. Of course it was something I didn’t need, and of course I was going to get mad at Jack for having spent so much money on me. He had recently gotten me a promise ring, there was no reason he had to have gotten me the simple silver charm bracelet I was now holding in my hands. There were a couple charms already on it: a camera, a leaf, and a coffee cup.  
  
 _It’s just the beginning of our memories. - Jack_


	66. Is This Real Life?

Over time my cold had gotten worse. I was coughing like mad, ruining my lungs and wracking my throat. The continuous headache pounding inside my head wanted to make me scream. I hated being sick. With my immune system being down this was the worst cold I had even had! My breathing was always messing up, causing me to be wheezy and make it impossible for me to talk for extended periods of time or catch my breath after walking up the stairs. My stamina had already gotten so bad from the leukemia, you could probably imagine what a mess I was now.  
  
It obviously sucked. I only got to see Jack through a screen and it was really starting to hit me. He wasn’t going to be physically present for another couple of months. Yes, I know, I called Jack out for being clingy in the beginning, but it was really hard. In the time he was going to be gone, the bed would always continue to feel cold, there would be nobody to annoy me with constant cuddles, and we couldn’t just enjoy each other’s presence without talking. I really thought I wasn’t going to make it, especially with how I was feeling. All I wanted was to be able to lay in bed with Jack for an entire day.  
  
But that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.  
  
I rubbed my crusty eyes as I threw the covers off myself. Instead of having Joyce wake me up every single day, I decided to cut her some slack and turn an alarm on for myself. It was the worst way to wake up, but I really felt bad for asking so much from her. She was already so kind to stay with me while Jack was gone, I didn’t want her to have to do too much. But I could still definitely agree it was so much nicer to be slowly woken up by a person rather than have some loud noise scare the living bejeezus out of you.  
  
Oh yeah, and _today was the first day I put **it** on_. After staring at the closet for a while contemplating what I could wear that made me feel comfortable, I took out the hoodie Jack had left for me. Every single day I had thought of wearing it, but always reasoned with myself, knowing that there would be a day I needed the sweater much more. And today just so happened to be that day. It might sound cheesy, but the feeling of the clothing article hugging my body loosely made me feel a bit better already. The smell it gave off made me relax immediately, my body being tricked into believing that Jack was close by, while he was actually somewhere on the opposite end of the country.  
  
I never thought I’d be _that_ girl. You know, the one who was dependent on their boyfriend. However, it had happened. Jack had converted me. There was no way out now. I just had this horrible feeling that I couldn’t place. It might have been me just being sick, but it just felt slightly different than that. Something was causing me to feel queasy, but nothing would tell me what.  
  
Taco came walking into the room, jumping onto the bed to catch my attention. I turned to her and went to stroke her when she decided to sit on Jack’s side of the bed. With the way she had been acting, I could tell she was confused about Jack not being here. She was fine the first couple days he was gone, but we were already just past the two week mark. I wanted to make a sappy comment to Taco, asking her if she also missed Jack, but nothing came out of my mouth. My voice was completely gone. No matter how much I tried to clear it, it continued to stay in the same state.  
  
I mentally let out a groan and decided to just go downstairs, there was no way I was going to make myself look any better than this. It was only Jack’s mom anyway. Or so I thought. When I got downstairs, there was somebody else in the kitchen.  
  
I did not know that anybody would be coming over today. Ok, well, they would just have to deal with how sick I looked. I didn’t feel like slapping on any makeup, and it wasn’t like that was going to make me look much better than the dump I looked like right now. But still, another person in the house really confused me. Luckily, Joyce came in, ready to save the day by introducing the girl making some coffee.  
  
“Ireland,” she started off, catching the attention of the stranger, “this is Jack’s sister, May. May, this is Jack’s girlfriend, Ireland.”  
  
“Nice to finally meet you!” May commented in a cheerful voice, going to shake my hand while trying to figure out how the coffee machine worked.  
  
Automatically, I started signing out something similar, only to stop myself after the second word, noticing that nobody here knew sign language. Well, this was awkward. It probably seemed like I was mute, but this was what I always did when I lost my voice. I let out a small breath instead of a chuckle and pointed towards my throat as if they would be able to get what I was trying to tell them. Not being able to communicate any further, I quickly found a piece of paper and a pen, writing down that I had lost my voice and that it was nice to meet her as well.  
  
Well, isn’t that a great way to meet your boyfriend’s family for the first time? You know, without them around and basically not being able to talk or communicate at all. I was really getting great at having awkward meetings.  
  
\----  
  
We all went out to go have a late brunch at some cafe that still served breakfast in the afternoon. To be honest, though, I really didn’t feel like eating anything. My energy was already completely drained and I really didn’t have an appetite. Food just didn’t seem to work the last couple of days. Normally, I would eat more when I got sick, but this time it was completely different.  
  
While Joyce and May were talking, catching up on any missed stories and gossip, I just sat with my head in my hands. Not being able to speak was a good excuse for not talking at all. Even if I had been able to make a sound, I still wouldn’t have wanted to make conversation with anybody. No, it wasn’t because I didn’t like May, because she really seemed like one of the sweetest people around, but I just wasn’t up for it. I just wasn’t motivated to do anything anymore. All I wanted was to crawl back in bed and hope to fall asleep quickly. I really needed sleep.  
  
I only looked up when something was placed in front of me. It was a phone trying to call someone, or more specifically FaceTime Jack. I gave May a confused look, not understanding why she was doing that (I couldn’t even talk to the guy, for godsake!), but Jack had already answered the call with eyes that were just as befuddled as mine, wondering why his sister was calling him.  
  
But then he saw me. His eyes lit up, but disarray still evident in them, “Isle, why are you using May’s phone?”  
  
I just decided to sign it to him, hoping he would understand some of it: ‘she just gave it to me’.  
  
I could see Jack trying to decipher what I had just tried telling him. If I had recalled correctly, I knew he had learnt some sign language, but I might have been using words he didn’t know, or I was going way too fast. It was like talking to someone who had just started learning how to speak a language you are fluent in. No, wait, it was exactly that.  
  
“May, what did you do to my girlfriend!” Jack exclaimed, searching the screen to see if she was nearby or even in frame already.  
  
“Well, she isn’t feeling well and she lost her voice,” May popped in from the side, addressing his brother with a look I didn’t understand, “and we’re having a super late breakfast, and I think she might need some help choosing something.”  
  
“Blueberry muffin, definitely a blueberry muffin, she likes blueberry muffins, get her a blueberry muffin,” he nodded, repeating himself over and over again. Being around him for so long, I barely realised it anymore, but he would often do stuff like that. You could see it pretty clearly in the interviews he sometimes made me watch.  
  
I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t feel like eating anything, so I just smiled softly. He seemed so set on me having a blueberry muffin, I didn’t want to suddenly tell him I would rather not eat anything at all. When he was still here, he would always force me to eat at least a couple of bites against my will. Maybe I could deal with a couple of crumbs and then take it home for later… if there ever was a later.  
  
“Hey, you’re wearing the sweater!” Jack noticed, pointing at something where it was probably located on his own screen.  
  
I nodded and quickly signed ‘first time’.  
  
“What! No way!” he gasped with his eyes widening, “I thought you’d be wearing it every single day. I was expecting to come home to a worn out hoodie, but at this rate that’s not going to happen.”  
  
‘Special’ I quickly motioned with my hands, thinking it would be a word he might know. Apparently he did, because he made no more comments other than giving me a sympathetic smile. Usually, I would hate people feeling sympathy for me, because I knew they were just saying it because they felt obliged to, but I knew that Jack was one of the few people that actually meant it when it involved me.  
  
“Wait, since when do you know sign language?” May interrupted when there was only silence left between Jack and I. I thought Jack would have shown off the new skill he was developing, but his sister’s question proved otherwise.  
  
“Since Isle’s brother told me that that’s the way she communicates when she’s unable to talk,” Jack explained like it was the most obvious and easiest thing ever, “I’m not that good though and only know the basics and important sentences. Isle’s really good though, she’s been doing it since she was six!”  
  
“Wow,” she nodded at both of us, pretty impressed that I was fluent and that I had gotten to make Jack start it as well.  
  
And then another coughing fit started, hurting my lungs badly. It seemed like I couldn’t breath anymore, which was basically true, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. I just hoped not too many people were looking at me. It wasn’t the best sight to see somebody turning red from the lack of oxygen and disrupting any conversation going on in the restaurant by their loud coughing.  
  
\----  
  
Jack had to leave soon after my small episode and I was left to nip at the muffin he made me get. I still didn’t eat much at all, only having eaten the the very top layer to take off the part that had been baked a golden brown. That was already too much for me. Losing weight was the last thing I wanted to happen, but I really couldn’t help it. My weight was dropping rapidly and I was afraid it was going to get serious soon, but I just couldn’t eat. I absolutely hated it.  
  
My bones were starting to protrude out, making me look like a skeleton trying to eat its way out of a body. What once used to be bright brown eyes were now hidden by dark bags and a sunken face. Shirts that I used to love and fit me perfectly were becoming baggy, only adding to my insecurity. I never really cared what people thought about me, but this also went too far for me. I just didn’t look good anymore.  
  
But while all these thoughts were going through my head, I still had Jack there somewhere for me. Maybe he wasn’t actually present and next to me, but he still made sure to make me feel better. Once back at home, I retreated straight to my bed, opening my laptop to try to talk to Jack again (when I say try to talk, I literally mean _try_. My voice was there, but only very quiet). He answered in no time, having just finished his soundcheck and actually wanting to call me at the same exact time.  
 _  
I, however, was first._  
  
He already had a couple of stories to tell and had a couple more encouraging words for me. Once in awhile, he would stop talking just to tell me how much he loved me. I would have thought it was weird, if it weren’t for me actually really needing it. I didn’t love myself anymore, so it was nice to know somebody else still did. Maybe it would change when he saw how bad I was doing, but for now it was only helping me.  
  
“I’m going to the bathroom,” I croaked out, my throat already tolerating a slightly louder level but still not liking it very much, “talk to your mom, who just came in, while I’m doing that.”  
  
I smiled at Joyce who had just entered the bedroom, while I went to the ensuite bathroom. After doing what I had to, I went to wash my hands, only to catch my reflection in the mirror. It all seemed so surreal. Was I really the fragile-looking person shown? Was that really me? It just didn’t make sense. Everything seemed like a perfect copy, yet I felt more like and image than an actual person. I didn’t even know where I was anymore. Well, I knew I was in the bathroom, but where exactly where we? Don’t you just ever wonder that? Where in the universe were we placed at a given moment? We would never ever find out.  
  
As I brought a hand to my mouth, so did the person in the reflection. I coughed, and so did they. When I looked down and saw blood, the fake me also did.  
  
Wait, _hang on_. Blood. There was blood in my hand! What the actual fuck was going on! I coughed another time. More blood in my hand. My heart started beating irregularly, my breathing once again becoming very difficult. However, I wasn’t panicking as much as I was supposed to. All the signs were confusing, yet I just stood there.  
  
And then I got dizzy. I tried to grab the counter for support, but missed completely, causing my body to fall to the floor, my head hollowly banging against the tiles. No pain. I continued to cough, adding to the blood, but I couldn’t seem to stop. It just kept going on as I started seeing weird black spots and squiggles in my vision.  
  
The bathroom door slammed open and I could hear my name being called, but I couldn’t answer. There was another shout, _“May, call 911!”_


	67. Stuck in My Head, Voices from the Outside

Time had passed. I didn’t know how much, but I knew it wasn’t just a couple of minutes; it must have been at least a day. The only reason I knew that was that I had heard my parents come in at one point, talking to Jack’s parents. Great way to meet each other, right? Nobody was there to introduce them to each other, and it would be such a disaster if things went wrong without Jack and I knowing. My dad flew back from work for me, and my mom took the first flight back home as well. All I did was act like I was asleep in my hospital bed.  
  
Yes, I knew I was at the hospital. I didn’t know why though. Something must have happened in the bathroom, but I couldn’t remember a thing. The last memory I had was me telling Jack that I was going to the bathroom; that was all. As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t remember a thing, and it made me wonder if I had forgotten anything else. But, hey, I wouldn’t even be able to know, since I didn't even know what there was to remember.  
  
Cam stopped the recording process as well to come back here for me. The first time I ‘woke up’ he was there, the parents having gone out for a bit. You can probably imagine how confusing that must have been for me. My brother, who was supposed to be in LA, was now in front of me while I was in a hospital hooked up to many different machines. We did make a sneaky deal though. I really didn’t want to talk to anybody; I just didn’t feel like answering questions and being asked if I was ok. So, if one of the parents were coming back in, I would act to be asleep, and Cam will tell them that they just missed me being awake. I know, it’s a terrible thing to do, but I couldn’t help it.  
  
He wasn’t just my brother and twin, he was also my best friend. I knew he would do anything to make me feel more comfortable. There had been a couple of times where he would try to explain to me what was going on, but I just didn’t have enough energy to stay awake for that long. I really wanted to know what was wrong, but the explanations were either too long or nobody would tell me what was going on.  
  
So, basically, I didn’t know what was going on with me, but I knew it was no good. I could already tell something serious was going on without anybody having to tell me. My body was just screaming it right at me; eyes not being able to stay open for long, slow movements, and taking a while to understand something somebody said. Everything was wrong, but everybody was here.  
  
 _Except one person._ Jack. He was the only one not here. Another thing I couldn’t exactly explain. Like I had said before, I didn’t know how long I’d been here for, so it was possible he hadn’t even had the time to come, maybe he wasn’t able to come, maybe he wasn’t told about the whole situation, or maybe he simply didn’t want to come. Nothing was telling me why it would be the latter, but it was still a possibility. As unlikely as it was, I wasn’t going to rule it out. However, I couldn't forget about him not knowing. I was still chatting with him just before it happened, so he must have heard it.  
  
 _Oh my god_. He must have been so worried. I could suddenly visualise Joyce bent over me, trying to keep me awake, calling her daughter to call 911. Her eyes were wide with panic, adrenaline rushing through her body while her voice was shaking with fear. Jack must have heard everything. I couldn’t just leave him out of the know--  
  
I heard Cameron quietly shush someone as the door to the room softly shut, “she was awake a couple of minutes ago, she might still be, but she often just falls asleep in no time.”  
  
There was no response. Instead, I heard the sound of somebody’s jeans scrape a chair next to me as they sat down. Soon after, my hand was being held in a warm embrace, intertwined fingers in a strong yet subtle hold. I small smile crept onto my face as I felt complete again. Of course I knew it was Jack. I mean, who else would it be? I already knew exactly what my parents or his parents did when they were told I wasn’t awake, and Cameron was on the other side of my bed. Unless it was some random stranger or person I couldn’t remember, it had to be Jack.  
  
It would have been terrible to wake up to find out Jack was already a past relationship and there was another person waiting for me. I wouldn’t know what I would do. It would be confusing and hard to take in. I don’t think I would have been able to deal with it.  
I wanted to wake up, to see who it was and reassure myself. But I couldn’t. I was in that coma-like state you are stuck in before you fall asleep: no moving or waking yourself up, only hearing what was going on around you. With the long comas I had been in before, I was able to stay calm. Patience was key.  
  
Cameron mumbled something about going somewhere to get some coffee. He was going to be leaving me and the other person here all alone. I just really hoped it was Jack. _Please let it be Jack_. I would’ve rather been all alone than be in this room with a complete stranger, even though everybody made sure that there was always somebody with me ‘in case I woke up with questions’.  
  
My hand was squeezed softly and being carefully picked up. It wasn’t long before I felt a pair of lips carefully grazing my knuckles, lingering at the finger that used to be a proud wearer of a promise ring -- it had either been taken off by me, and I couldn’t remember, or the doctors took it off when sticking needles all over me (I didn’t know their protocols).  
  
As my hand was placed back down delicately on the sterile bed, the other hand not losing it’s grip, there was a small breathy chuckle, “I told you it wasn’t just a cold.”  
  
 _Jack_. It was him. His voice sounded smooth and familiar to me, having a different effect on me than anybody else’s had. It was like it actually gave me hope and motivation to wake up. I had been in this routine for hours/days and Jack was here to help me out of it. He had been able to get me out of a coma before, he could also mentally help me get better in no time. I just knew it. He had been there so often for me, helping me out every single time, he had to do that as well this time. It was just how it always worked. Jack was my guardian angel.  
  
“I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier,” he continued to talk, even though he couldn’t be sure I heard anything he was saying to me, “trust me, I really wanted to. You were all that was on my mind, and I made sure to call that weird twin brother or yours at least twice a day for updates. I just wasn’t able to get away before now. Although everybody wanted me to come as quickly as possible, I still had to do three shows because of legal reasons and then I couldn’t get on a plane because it was full, and--” he sighed, resting his head against my arm, allowing tears to fall from his warm skin to my cool one, “it just sounds like I’m making excuses for myself. There’s no excuse for me coming six days after you were admitted to the hospital. I should have just gone straight away, not caring about what everybody told me. It would have been better for everybody if I just hopped on the first plane right after I heard my mum start shouting over the facetime call. I wouldn’t have been in a tourbus for almost a week, freaking the fuck out because I didn’t know what was going to happen; you wouldn’t have had to worry about whether I was forgetting about you or not; and the others wouldn’t have had to be here these hours I should have been with you.  
  
‘“I don’t even care what everybody would have said to me if I left, even though it was against the rules, especially what the fans would have said. As much as they’d hate me for dropping everything and leaving, I wouldn’t care. If you’re in trouble and need me, I have to be there. You know, it might sound stupid, but you are the most important thing in my life, you’re my number one priority. I’d quit the band for you and try to find some other job if that makes you happier, even if it’s a job at McDonalds. I just don’t care. As cheesy as it sounds, I’d do anything for you.  
  
“What would I have done if you had died in those couple of days. Huh, Isle, _what would I have done?!_ I was just waiting for that phone call; I was just waiting to answer my phone only to hear Cam crying, or your parents sobbing, maybe even my parents; I was just waiting to get to know I had been too late to even come and see you one last time. It terrified me to the point that I didn’t even want to sleep because I was so afraid I was going to miss a phone call during the night. I just didn’t know what was going to happen, and I hated it. I hate not knowing what is going on with you!  
  
“As much as I don’t want to believe it, we all know you’re not doing well. Things are going pretty terrible, actually, and I know you don’t want to give in and tell someone, but we all know. You don’t have to hide things like that. I don’t know if you know this, but what you thought was just a simple cold, really wasn’t that. You got a chest infection, and since your immune system is so weak, it spread so quickly, taking over in such a small period amount of time. Your body is so exhausted and it’s not responding well to the chemo anymore. All the progress you made is completely gone, it’s actually been reversed. Your blood count is so low. If your parents weren’t the ones paying for all this, I would have used all my savings to help you, even with this low chance of survival.  
  
“They want to raise your dosage of chemo, see if that might work. It will have serious side effects, though. This time you’ll probably lose all of your hair, and I know how much you love your hair and how much you love it when I play with it. But I’ll still think you’ll look so beautiful, baby. You might lose those amazing long locks and your eyebrows, but those are just extras. Just being with you makes me fall in love over and over again.  
  
“And I know that you don’t want any kids in the future and that you keep telling everybody that over and over again. You always hate explaining it to all your distant relatives, but I don’t really care. I love the annoyed look you give them, secretly judging them for silently judging you. You always look like you are ready to just hit them in the face with a chair as you start rambling on about all these reasons you have. And it’s your decision, so I fully support it. I know you always feel bad since I’m not against the idea at all, but you shouldn’t. Like I said before, I’d do anything for you. It’s just that now there is a high chance that it won’t even be your decision anymore, the chemo will be doing it for you. I know you might not really care now, but I don’t want you to be upset if you ever change your mind. Of course, there’s still adoption, and, if you chose to do so now, IVF, but I’ve known people who were so crushed about not being able to do it themselves. I don’t ever want that to happen to you; I can’t stand seeing you cry, I would not be able to deal with how upset you’d be then.  
  
“You might not want to get married either, but I’m still planning on spending the rest of my life with you. To some people it might sound weird ‘grow old together without getting married’, but I completely disagree. As long as I am with you, everything will be fine. I meant it every single time when I said that I don’t want to lose you. I’ll be lost if you’re suddenly not here. Now, don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t want you fighting this fucking cancer for me, I want you to do it for yourself, and maybe, just maybe, you’d consider our future together as well.  
  
 _“I love you, baby, please have sweet dreams.”_


	68. Regressing to the Mismanaged State of Mind

Another day in the hospital, another day with just my brother and Jack around. Not that I was complaining, but it would have been nice to either get some time all alone, or at least be able to go out of the room once in awhile. Apparently I was just ‘too unstable’ to go out for a small walk, even if it was just out in the corridor. Oh, and of course my parents came and Jack’s did as well, and I actually didn’t do that whole I-don’t-want-to-talk-to-you-so-I-act-like-I’m-sleeping thing. Either I was legitimately asleep, or I actually took the time to talk with them. Pretty impressive, if I say so myself.  
  
What was a lot less impressive, if you ask me, however, was that I had missed Jack’s birthday. No, I don’t mean that I forgot about it, because I really didn’t. It already sucked that I couldn’t go out and buy him a gift or something. What happened was that I fell asleep on the 17th of June, but somehow happened to wake up on the 19th; the 18th just didn’t exist for me. Jack kept telling me it was ok, but I just felt terrible. He had planned out this whole amazing day for my birthday, but I couldn’t even be awake during his. Sure, I wouldn’t have seen him even if I wasn’t stuck in a hospital, and he would’ve still been on tour, but I actually had the opportunity now. I just wished it hadn’t gone _that_ way.  
  
That wasn’t the only bad thing, though, but it was definitely the worst. The chemo had been hitting me really hard. While I only had minor side effects when I was just put on it, it was really taking it’s toll on me this time. I always told myself I wouldn’t mind so much if it would happen, but now that it was happening, I felt slightly different about it. My hair had started thinning and falling out. Everybody around me said that it didn’t matter, but with the amount of times I ran my fingers through it a pulled out yet another big chunk, I had become too paranoid for Jack to even let his hand come close to my hair. I didn’t want him having to unexpectedly pull some of the brown strands out. It was absolutely horrifying when it happened, I didn’t need him to overcome that as well.  
  
“Guys, can we just shave off all my hair?” I asked as it happened once again. This time it had caught on my ring, which I had gotten to wear again -- the nurses had taken it off when they were busy doing tests when I had just been admitted.  
  
“Are you sure?” Jack looked at me with surprise. It wasn’t that he thought it shouldn’t happen, but that he was startled by my will to do it. He had assumed that I would have hated it, but I knew that there was nothing else I could really do.  
  
“Yeah,” I shrugged, showing that I really didn’t think it was such a big deal, and quickly looked at my brother to see what he was thinking about it, “I was thinking of switching up my hairstyle anyway, why not just do bald? Plus, this whole shedding hair thing is getting quite annoying.”  
  
“Well, ok, we’ll tell a nurse, then.” Cam smiled before being distracted by the vibrating of his phone. His grin got even wider when he read the message displayed on his screen and he quickly got up, “I’ll be right back, my girlfriend’s here.”  
  
I furrowed my eyebrows as he rushed out. My gaze soon landed on Jack, who just raised his shoulders in response. So, neither of us knew about this. I thought I might have missed the time Cameron has explicitly told us about her, but apparently Jack hadn’t heard a word either. And that was really unlike Cam. Either something was really wrong, or he was so happy he just forgot to tell us. Obviously, I really hoped it was the latter, and not the first option (you know, I couldn’t really do anything to protect my brother while I was in a hospital bed).  
  
“No, wait,” I groaned, suddenly remembering how bad I looked, “I can’t meet her like this! Why would Cam do that! Is he really that mean to me? I don’t care what people think about me, obviously, but I don’t generally like meeting new people when I’m confined to what I can do!”  
  
“It will be ok, baby. If his girlfriend think anything bad of you, I will personally make sure it gets sorted out, but I’m pretty sure nothing like that will have to happen,” Jack reassured from the chair he had claimed -- it was the best one in the room since it worked a bit like a recliner, allowing him to sleep slightly more comfortably. He quickly pecked my lips to seal the deal and went to stroke back my hair before thinking better of it, knowing I would get mad at him.  
  
“But still,” I whined and pulled my blanket all the way over my head to hide myself. The only parts of my body visible were my fingers from holding on to the white sterile sheets.  
  
It was only supposed to be a joke, but, only seconds after, Cam came back with a girl following him. I couldn’t just reveal myself now, that would make everything only a lot worse, like I was actually trying to make an ‘entrance’ even though I wasn’t the one walking in. But it didn’t seem like all the attention was on me, which was a change for once, a change I actually liked.  
  
“Jack?” Cam’s mystery girlfriend gasped, surprised to see him in this room.  
  
“Tay?” Jack seemed equally as stunned.  
  
Was I the only person here who didn’t know this Tay person? Well, there were only four people in total in this room, so it wasn’t all too difficult, but still. I didn’t know why Jack knew her; I just hoped it wasn’t one of his exes. No, not because I was afraid to lose him, but because I didn’t want this to be awkward for anybody here: whether it be Jack, Cam, or the person I had never ever met. Hopefully she was a nice person, though. There was no way I was going to let my twin brother date another one of those fake girls who will do anything to get rid of me (yes, I’m referring back to that girl from way back; the one at the diner who tried to take Jack away from me before we were even dating).  
  
“Field, I know you’re hiding under your duvet,” Cam sighed, causing all the attention the switch back to me. Great way to blow my cover, bro.  
  
I shook my head, although I knew it would only make it even more obvious, “no, I don’t exist anymore.”  
  
“I can literally see all your hair sticking out.”  
  
“Not for much longer, though.” I smartly added.  
  
Before I could even question what Cam was going to do next, my blanket was being ripped off me. But that wasn’t all that was ripped off. He managed to tug some hair along with it as well. No, it wasn’t hair that was falling out, so I hope you can imagine how annoyed I was at him. I didn’t care that I was going to shave it all off anyway, because it still hurt like a bitch. Ever have anybody pull out quite a lot of hair all at once? If yes, _that_ feeling.  
  
“Ouch!” I yelped, glaring at my brother for his actions, “I’ll have you know that was still attached to my head, thank you very much!” I proceeded to grab the tissue box from the bedside table and throwing it right at him, hitting him right in the chest.  
  
I know, I know, you can’t solve anything with violence. And trust me, I completely agreed with that. But if it involved my twin brother, violence was always the first option. Well, either that or love. It really was a bipolar relationship if you asked me. In situations likes this, I wouldn’t hesitate throwing things at him, as you have probably already realised by now.  
  
And that’s when I saw the girl who had been hugging Jack. It wasn’t just your average ‘Tay’. It was Taylor Jardine. No, I wasn’t fangirling, but I just didn’t think Cameron would be with somebody like _that_ (not meant in a bad way at all). From the stories I heard about her, she seemed like such an awesome person while Cam was… well, he was just Cam, if you know what I mean. I didn’t even understand how they could have met each other; Cam now lived on the west-coast, while Tay was here on the east. If they had gotten together before Cameron even moved, I was seriously going to flip out. My brother wanted to know everything about my relationship, if I found out he didn’t say a thing for that long, things weren’t going to be pretty.  
  
I decided to leave it be for now, and actually decide to not scare her off with more than just the horrible state I was in. So, I gave her a small smile, “well, Tay, you chose a good day to come. Stuff is actually going to be happening; we’ll be shaving off my hair. It’s the most adventure that’s happened in here since I was just admitted here. Well, actually, I once tried to scare Cam, but instead I nearly died from a coughing fit from laughing too much while I was still recovering from the chest infection… Anyways, hi.”  
  
She chuckled at my rambling and waved back at me, “Hi.”  
  
\----  
  
Not even an hour after I had met Tay, a nurse come into the room with some clippers. I knew it was time, and while I was dreading it slightly, I was actually also very excited. Of course there was this small fear of it not looking good at all, but I was very curious to see how it looked. Why not just go for a drastic change when you want to do something? I looked at it like an opportunity to do something daring I would never have thought of doing otherwise. It wasn’t something completely new, but then again the last time I did it, I was only a child and didn’t know any better.  
  
The heart monitor was disconnected and any other devices that wasn't necessary to keep me alive were also hooked off, only leaving my IV -- which was there for my nausea medication and to make sure the chemo didn’t dehydrate me completely -- attached to me. After finally getting out of bed once again, I got to sit on a chair, facing away from the nurse, but still being able to see Jack, Cam, and Tay from the corner of my eyes.  
  
Jack got out his camera, which he had apparently brought along with him here, and started recording me. I wasn’t complaining, though. This was something I’d want to remember, whether it looked good or bad. Plus, it meant I’d have something to do in bed again. All of our other videos (except one) were already edited and uploaded before I was even admitted, so I was really happy to know I was going to be able to edit something again, even if it wasn’t really needed.  
  
Which reminds me, people were actually liking our videos. Jack had insisted on calling our channel _'T_ _he Barakats’_ , even though I wasn’t one, but he seemed so excited about calling it that, I wasn’t going to crush his dreams just by saying that we would probably never get married. Quite a lot of people had subscribed, obviously wanting to know more about Jack’s personal life, and it seemed like they were getting quite worried with our -- well, mostly his -- lack of activity on social media. Trust me, people were actually getting mad at him for not tweeting or putting anything on his snap story. Pretty terrifying if you ask me.  
  
Anyway, back to the ‘exciting’ stuff: shaving off all my hair. The hair clippers turned on, filling the quiet room with a deep buzzing. After bringing it closer to my head, the nurse double checked if I really wanted to do this. I said I was completely ready, and started bracing myself for the impact.  
  
And then it happened. My first couple of locks fell down on the floor, making sure it was no longer as clean as the hospital had made sure it was in the morning. This was it. I officially couldn’t go back anymore.  
  
I started humming a tune, before deciding to just go for it and sing it.  
  
 _“My hair is tired and it's falling out_  
 _But before it all does I think I will let it down_  
 _I'll grow it out like it's the 60s, man_  
 _Because I feel young enough and just because I can”  
_  
Jack took hold of my hand in support, smiling because of how I was acting. He knew there was nothing to worry about. While he was being the supportive and caring boyfriend he was, Cam started grinning, waiting for me to start the chorus so he could sing along.  
  
 _“Grow your hair out, let your hair down while you still can  
Because it'll fall out, you'll go bald like an old man  
You put the top down, let your locks blow around  
Driving through town without a care  
Grow it to the ground, let it all down everywhere  
Grow out your hair”_  
  
I tried dancing along a bit without making the nurse mess up. Even though I was having fun, I still didn’t want her to accidentally cut my ear off. So I was just awkwardly shuffling around a little, but everybody still got the gist.  
  
 _“The other morning as I rolled on out_  
 _Of my bed I got tripped up by something on the ground_  
 _My curls had grown all the way to the floor_  
 _I kinda like the way it looks_  
 _I'll grow it out some more_  
  
 _“Grow your hair out, let your hair down while you still can_  
 _Because it'll fall out, you'll go bald like an old man_  
 _You put the top down, let your locks blow around_  
 _Driving through town without a care_  
 _Grow it to the ground, let it all down everywhere_  
  
 _“Nobody's gonna tell me how to wear my hair_  
 _Not my momma or a big wig millionaire_  
 _I'll let it all down anywhere_  
 _I'll let it all down everywhere_  
 _See, I don't care if you all care_  
 _It's on my head and it's not your hair_  
  
 _“Grow your hair out, let your hair down while you still can_  
 _Because it'll fall out, you'll go bald like an old man_  
 _You put the top down, let your locks blow around_  
 _Driving through town without a care_  
 _Grow it to the ground, let it all down everywhere_  
 _Grow out your hair”_ _  
_  
Even the nurse let out a giggle as Cam and I both finished shouting out the last line. I might have been very ill, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t still have a little fun. Who knew if I’d ever get better. I had to make the most of it now that I still able to sit up. My state was still regressing and I was noticing it, I had to make sure I wasn’t stupid enough to wait until I was completely crippled.  
  
“And now we awkwardly wait for this to finish…” I whistled as soon as my laughter had started dying down.  
  
I had trouble staying awake for the whole process. A small thing like singing was enough to use up all the energy I had. I was really trying my best not to curl up in the chair and just close my eyes right there, and Jack was starting to realise, trying to distract me with games on his phone to keep me awake. As often my brother was here for long periods of time, Jack was still the one that hadn’t left my side since he had arrived here. Our parents had brought him clean clothes, and I was lucky enough to have a private ensuite bathroom; Jack would just take showers there, and if I could, he would even help me take one.  
  
Oh yes, the hair cut. Let’s just say it was going to take some getting used to. It wasn’t patchy since the nurse had shaved everything off with a razor at the very end, so that was at least something. But it was so weird seeing myself bald. Ever since my coma, I always had long hair, only growing it out to be longer, and it was just all gone in one go. There was nothing to frame my face with anymore, and I definitely felt a little colder. But hey, no more greasy and knotted hair. And of course no more bedhead.  
  
Speaking of which, Jack had sent me to bed straight away. I was able to fall asleep in no time, which was to be expected. To make it easier, though, I clutched tightly onto Jack’s hand. It wasn’t uncommon for me to have nightmares. The chemo was making it actually quite rare for me not to have one. To make it even worse, the nightmare was always the same one: seeing Cam die at the foot of my hospital bed, getting lost in the maze that was hospital corridors, my parent’s dissolving right in front of me, and Jack pushing me out of a window or from the top of the building.  
  
Today wasn’t an exception, although I did wake up as soon as Cam collapsed in front of me once again, looking all bloody and broken. I woke up screaming. Jack, who had fallen asleep beside me shot upright to see what was wrong, while Cam rushed over to help me, sitting at the foot of the bed. I flipped complete shit as he sat there, telling him to move away, but not why; I just didn’t want to see him die. Only after he finally moved away did I calm down, realising that it was all just the same old nightmare again. And I was out like a light in no time.  
  
Great impression on Tay, am I right?  
  
When I woke up later in the evening, I immediately apologized, saying I didn’t know what came over me, that I felt like I was still stuck in my nightmare from before. Cam said it was all fine, but I could see that he was still shaken up about it. It wasn’t everyday that I woke up and was still half asleep, screaming about whatever had happened in my nightmare. If I had seen anything like that happen to him, I probably would have felt exactly the same way. Jack, however, decided to take me on my first trip out of the room. It was time. I had to sit in a wheelchair and hold onto the pole that was needed for my IV as he pushed me out of the room and into the corridor.  
  
It was the very first time I had been here since I had been admitted, but it still looked exactly the same as all the other hallways in the hospital: blue chairs against the wall, occasional equipment outside of a room, and the same old cardboard walls and shiny laminate floors. There was one big difference, though. Some rooms had windows so you could look into them from inside. The people seemed off so much worse than me. Not only were they missing their hair, their skin was not just completely pale, but they also had breathing tubes. I kept telling myself I wasn’t like that, but deep down I knew I wasn’t far from it. I already had a mask to help me breathe when I went to sleep during the night because it was much less likely for somebody to realise that something was wrong since they were all asleep as well. My eyes had terrifyingly big bags underneath them, creating such a humongous contrast with my pasty white skin. I was basically already in the process of becoming a ghost.  
  
I tore my eyes away from all the depressing images in front of me, and focus on where Jack was bringing me. He took a left somewhere, bringing me to a large room with comfortable looking chairs, other patients, and a large window to see a view through, just like the one in my dream. This felt different, however, it wasn’t the same eerie feeling that was supposed to be relief. No, this just felt warming.  
  
Jack stopped the wheelchair next to one of the normal chairs, so we could both sit down and look outside. It was nice having a change of scenery for once, but it wasn’t just right yet. I got up out of my wheelchair, getting a confused and worried look from him, but I wasn’t going to do anything stupid (I think). Instead of sitting in my wheelchair, I sat down on Jack’s lap and cuddled into his chest. It had been way too long since I had contact with him like this, I had forgotten how much I actually missed it. He wrapped his long arms around me, being careful not to cut off the IV, and let out a sigh of content. I couldn’t help the small smile that formed on my lips knowing he was feeling the same exact way.  
  
“What to talk about it?” He whispered as he kissed the top of my freshly shaved head.  
  
“The nightmare?” I questioned while I also knew there wasn’t really anything else to talk about.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Ok. Well, it already started before all this shit happened, so don’t think it’s from me being here for so long. So, it always the same one and I think I’ve figured it out.” I first gave him some backstory before getting into the exact details. Jack listened quietly, only nodding along softly. “It start off with me waking up in the hospital, in a room like the one I’m staying in now. Nobody is there except for Cam, but something wrong with him. He sits at the end of my bed and it looks like he’s been in a terrible accident, and then he just dies in front of me but only after repeating some words I can’t remember.”  
  
“Is that why you freaked out about him sitting on your bed?” Jack asked without it making him seem like he was assuming things.  
  
I nodded, “I woke up during that scene, so I was just very confused about it all. He hadn’t died yet in my nightmare, and I was still half asleep, of course I was going to try to do something.” I didn’t expect Jack to say anything in response to that, so I continued my story instead, “then, when I get out of the hospital room, I get lost in the corridors. Eventually, I see my parents waiting on something, so I go up to them. They also tell me something very similar to what Cam tells me, but I just can’t remember what it is. Suddenly they turn into liquid sand or some weird substance and disappear. Then, later on, I find you,” I could feel Jack stiffen up a bit underneath me, he already knew this couldn’t be any good, but he probably didn’t expect what I was going to tell him, “and something just forces me to go up to you, I can’t run away or anything. But nothing happens, nothing at all. You bring me up to a window much like this one, but the glass is impossibly thin. It seems like everything will be fine, but then you just push me out of the window and the whole dream ends. I never wake up, I never die, I just don’t know what happens after that.”  
  
He let out a shaky breath, but continued to act like he was completely calm, “and you said you think you know what it means?”  
  
“Yes, I think so. I figured out the basics after the first time I had it, which was actually just before I told you I had leukemia. But, what I think it means… well, first of all I think all the roles are reversed. Obviously I’m the one dying, not my family. So, that’s that first of all. But then, with you it’s a bit different, which also makes me come to the conclusion that I’ve gotten over the fact that I’ll be leaving all my family behind. But with you, I’m not able to push you out of the window, as weird as that seems. I’m not able to let go of you, in other words.”  
  
“You don’t have to let me go,” Jack pulled me closer to emphasize his point, “and I will not be letting go of you.”


	69. I Will Write What You Will Say

I woke up that morning with nobody around except Cam. He was waiting for me to wake up, trying to distract himself with games on his phone, but checking up on me every ten seconds. It was like he was dying to tell me something. While I was happy he was around, I was still left very confused. Normally Jack would be the first person I woke up to, but he was nowhere to be seen, and Tay was gone as well. I didn’t recall either of them telling me they had to go that day, and I also didn’t accidentally skip a whole day again.  
  
Other than that, everything was still the same. I was given my nausea medication through the IV before the chemo was administered and I had to swallow some other pills. Although I was given food, I barely ate any, feeling too sick to even think about putting something other than just one apple slice into my mouth. The medicine given to me each day was supposed to make me feel less sick and dizzy, but I could swear that it wasn’t working properly. And if it actually was, I did not want to know what I would feel like without it.  
  
Once again, I pushed the tray of food away while it was barely touched. Normally, Jack would try to make me eat some more, but since he wasn’t here, that obviously wasn’t going to happen. Cam never forced me to either, so I wasn’t even going to bother. It wasn’t like it would make a difference anyway.  
  
“Where are Jack and Tay?” I finally decided to ask after Cameron had just been looking for something in his black backpack for a while. While he was doing that, I was just sitting in bed, not doing anything even though I knew there were videos for me to edit.  
  
“Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, sorry.” He snapped his head up and took an envelope out of his bag, seeming to have something else on his mind. “I thought Jack had been here for so long, so I told him to go out for the day. I sent Tay out with him so he’s not alone. It should be fine since they’re already good friends. I just wanted to let him be the one to take his mind off of things for once.”  
  
“That’s nice of you. I just didn’t think it was possible. He always refuses to leave.” I smiled at my brother’s kindness.  
  
“Trust me, it took quite a lot of persuading for him to do so. But I thought we’d maybe do something together today… in the hospital, of course… probably in this room… while you’re in bed.”  
  
I nodded, but sat up and tried to get out of bed. “I first need to go to the bathroom, though.”  
  
“Ok, let me help you.” He quickly rushed over to my side, putting the envelope on the bedside table before taking my arms and pulling me up, giving me the extra strength to get me in the standing position. After making sure that my IV was still intact and removing the heart monitor, he let me go, telling me to call if I needed help with something in there.  
  
I pulled the rattly pole with me as I entered to bathroom, closing the door behind me. There wasn’t a lock so people could come in in case it was needed, but it wasn’t like I would have locked the door even if I had the opportunity. I wasn’t stupid enough to do that, knowing that anything could happen to me. I mean, the reason why I was in the hospital did start in the bathroom. It would only make sense for me not to lock myself up.  
  
The bright fluorescent lamp flickered, making a buzzing noise, before finally stabilizing and illuminating the small tiled bathroom with white light. I caught a glimpse of myself in the large mirror that nearly took up one whole wall just above the sink. All I could do was stare, just like that other time. But it was different. I wasn’t confused, I knew exactly where I was, what was going on, and who I was.  
  
I knew who I was, I knew that girl in the mirror was me. I looked so terrible. The entire time, I always thought it was quite bad, but it was even worse than that. My eyes were no longer the same, now looking sunken and dull. The bags underneath them were getting worse by the day, increasing in size and darkness. My eyebrows were finally gone after thinning out for a while. While my lips used to be a light shade of red, matching my skintone well, they were now turning a deep shade of purple, masked by a thin layer of opaque skin. It was such a huge contrast to my ghostly white skin, my freckles popping out more that usual.  
  
Just a little longer, and I would look like a corpse.  
  
While I was so mesmerized and confused by my appearance, there was no doubt that it was me. I felt exactly the way I looked. The constant ache was translated through all the ugly features, showing that my body was being destroyed from the inside out. There was no recovery from this. It was the way it was.  
  
“Field? Are you ok in there? Or am I just awkwardly interrupting you right now?” Cameron knocked on the door, causing me to jump, averting my eyes away from the image I had been staring at for so long.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, all good,” I chirped back, opening the door and walking out before freezing in the spot, “Wait. I forgot to actually use the toilet…”  
  
“What were you doing?” He chuckled and sat down on a chair next to the small desk, which now no longer had get-well cards, but a collection of boxes, envelopes, and pens.  
  
“I don’t know…” I trailed off and went back to the bathroom, actually doing what I had intended to do before. I was just going to blame it on chemobrain. It wasn’t my fault I just forgot what I was going to do, and got completely lost in thought; it was all the chemo that was not only affecting the cancer cells.  
  
When I came back, Cam helped me back into my bed, making sure everything was attached properly again, and carefully placing the blanket on top of me to keep me warm. I had the habit of getting cold very quickly, no matter how warm it actually was. After double checking that I was all well, he went back to the table and picked up the first envelope, carefully opening it. I watched him with raised eyebrows, curious as to what was in it and what his plans were.  
  
“So… umm, I don’t really know how to put this,” he looked through the contents before looking up at me with an uncertain smile, “with all the stuff going on, I think it might be a good idea to make some, umm, _decisions_. Like, umm… uh, how you’d like your funeral to go in case it happens.”  
  
“Oh,” I whispered, feeling just as uncomfortable as he sounded.  
  
“Yeah, umm, I know it’s kinda morbid, but I thought we could maybe do it a bit differently. Instead of doing all the boring stuff, it’s more about memories and things you’d like to be shared. I’ve brought pictures from all the things you can remember, so stuff from before the accident and form some certain events. Also, you can write a speech for me and choose a couple of songs to go along with it. It doesn’t matter how wacky it is. Write it as if you’re the one saying it, but I’ll actually be the one reading it out loud. I’ll also do it for myself, so it isn’t just about you. It’s more like a fun sleepover activity.”  
  
“A fun sleepover activity?”  
  
“No?”  
  
I shook my head at him, scrunching up my face. It wasn’t exactly like that. Actually, it was nothing like that at all. This was never something I would be doing at a sleepover. No, not at all. But Cam was right, I had to do this. I might not have wanted to think about it, but we all knew there was such a big possibility of it happening. At least I had some input like this. It was something, right?  
  
“I get to write anything that you have to say out loud in front of all our friends and family?” I grinned already thinking of all the inappropriate things I could possibly make him say. Even though I knew I wouldn’t be there to see it happen and check he actually did it, I knew Cam would keep his promise.  
  
“Yes, anything, but please try to limit on your insults. I’d like some family members to still like me a bit,” he told me in a joking stern voice, handing me a notepad and a pen, “Oh, and if you’d like to have pictures go along with it, be happy to look through everything I brought along with me. I personally flipped through them all to make sure there are only things you would be able to remember.”  
  
“Do we have a photo of your prom?” I asked after thinking of how to start this very important piece of writing.  
  
“My prom? No… why would I have that in here?”  
  
I bluntly put it, “I was your date to prom.”  
  
He looked at me with wide eyes. _“What?”_  
  
“Exactly what I said: _I_ was _your_ date to prom. You didn’t manage to get a date in time, since everybody rejected you. So, I went with you. All of your friends kept calling me hot, and they didn’t know I was your sister except your best friend. We played along with it and the entire school thought you managed to score a, I quote, ‘super beautiful girl from another school’. If only they knew. You’re lucky I wore enough makeup to make us look nothing alike.” I could still remember all of his friends’ faces when Cam and I walked up to them. After having told them that he didn’t have a date, my brother certainly managed to impress the entire school.  
  
He just stared at me for a while before breaking out into a wide smile, shaking his head at my story. “We don’t talk about it.”  
  
“But it happened.” I pointed out.  
  
“Yes, but we don’t talk about it,” he urged, but his smile didn’t disappear.  
  
“You were just very stupid, being used to be able to get all the girls you wanted. But you took advantage of it for so long, and the girls figured you out. So, when you asked them, you expected them to go with you and forget about the other person who asked them out. Unfortunately for you, it didn’t work. But it did give me a reason to wear my prom dress twice, so that’s something.”  
  
“Ok, stop it. I was a terrible person, you can stop rubbing it in my face. I’m much better now, I have a girlfriend who I love dearly, and who I’ve been seeing for three months.”  
  
I ignored his statement, and continued by making fun of him. “My prom was a much better success. I decided to go with a disabled student who I had befriended after helping out for a while. My boyfriend didn’t really like that… But I can’t remember who he was.”  
  
“He was no good, that’s what he was,” Cam snorted, obviously knowing who I didn’t know.  
  
“You mean he was just like you? Well, good to know.”  
  
“No! He was not _‘just like me’_ , you asshole!” He pouted and tried to make me feel guilty --not being successful, however. “Anyway, since when do you remember this?”  
  
“Since now,” I shrugged and tapped my pen on the paper.  
  
“Well, I’ve got to get a whole load more photos if you keep going at this rate.”  
  
We decided to actually work on our speeches after that. Cam was right by saying it was a fun way to deal with something actually terribly sad. We managed to laugh about several different photos, especially from when we were at the age when we did many mischievous things. For example, there was a photo our mom took after catching us drawing on each other with permanent marker. Well, it was actually Cam covering me in ink while I sat there quietly allowing him to turn me into a dark green monster. No, I wasn’t stupid enough to just obey, he threatened to do it to my teddy bear if I didn’t allow him to draw something on me. I was, however, stupid enough not to realise he was just painting me instead of doodling. I just loved my teddy bear too much. But, hey, I once gave him a terrible haircut because I was too afraid to cut my own hair. Great, right?  
  
There were many more stories like that, but they are way too embarrassing. Let’s just say Cam and I certainly managed to frustrate our parents. Another reason why I never wanted to have kids, let alone twins. I would not be able to deal with all that running around, scolding every time they did something wrong. Seriously, my kids would be fucked up because I’d just have mental breakdowns instead of actually being able to raise them. But, hey, it wasn’t very likely for me to even have the chance to have kids. First of all, the chemo made me infertile; second of all, I was probably not going to make it until then.  
  
“So, you finished?” Cam asked when he saw me put the pen down.  
  
I nodded and started reading it out loud after he had asked to hear what was written. “So, I’d like to start this off simple. Cam asked me to keep it simple and not to offend any of you here, so I’ll try my best to hold back. I can’t promise anything of course, because the person who will be offended the most is Cameron himself. Seriously, if I need to blackmail him, I’ve got the right material to do so. There are way too many embarrassing stories. Like the one when you forced me to cover for you when you went drinking out with your friends, but you came stumbling in, completely wasted, just as I was making up an excuse. _Right, Cam?_ We got grounded for an entire month because of that. You didn’t even bother to tell them that you forced me to do it! I guess they’ll never know… or maybe they do now. _Ha,_ too bad for you, because you promised to read this out. Hmm, what else should I say? I’m not that great at this. You’ve always been the one who was able to do something creative right on the spot, you’re to one who’s writing lyrics and songs in a band. Who cares that I can play sports well? You’re talent is way awesomer (yes, I know that isn’t a word, deal with it). Anyway, I hope nobody is too upset about this, because, frankly you shouldn’t be. Just think about it this way, I probably was in agony the last moments before I died. At least I don’t have to deal with that pain anymore. Really, please don’t be upset. Just remember all the memories, whether I was able to remember them or not. Each and every one of you probably have at least one memory only you can remember, just simply because there was nobody else around. Just remember that, and you’ll be fine. It doesn’t matter how obscure it may be. For example, I’ll always remember the time that I had a half day off and I had to pick up Cam from school because he shat himself before he could reach the toilet. It was really a great sight seeing my great confident brother shuffle around awkwardly to my car and make me go inside to get all the stuff he left in class. Let’s just say some people recognized me later when I was his hot date to prom. You all have one of those moments.  
So, Cam told me I had to chose a song. I really don’t know what to choose. Part of me wants to choose the most inappropriate song for this moment ever, but part of me knows that’s a stupid idea. So, yeah, just deal with whatever my final choice was.” I looked up at Cam with an innocent, but evil smile, “and then that’s when you have to play the song I chose.”  
  
“Are you really going to make me say all that! You promised me nobody would ever know about that!” He whined in response.  
  
“Yes,” I nodded, my smirk still not fading, “I’ll be dead, so you can deal with some embarrassment.”  
  
“Ok, ok, fine,” he groaned, “now I just regret not doing that to you in my speech. But there’s _no way_ I’m going to rewrite this whole thing.”  
  
“Well, what are you going to make me say?” I asked him.  
  
“I’m not telling you. You have to live longer than me to find out.”  
  
“But that’s unfair!”  
  
“Deal with it.” He stuck his tongue out at me.


	70. A Brand New Escape

July came and went quickly. I stayed in that hospital for months, chemotherapy slowly wearing me out while I was tested regularly. But I always got to hear the same thing: _it doesn’t seem like you’re improving yet, we’ll have to continue your cycle for a while longer and hopefully we’ll have some good news next time_. The good news never came. Cam had to go back to LA to finish off their album since the label wouldn’t allow him to push back the release date any further. Tay stayed a couple more days before joining Cam for a while and then going back to New York. My mom was busy starting up her new business: a bakery for her to sell all her delicious cakes, and my dad was gone for work for long periods of time again.  
  
It seemed like everybody was slowly getting back to their usual lives, while mine was slowly crumbling further and further. The only person who stayed by my side the entire time was Jack. He refused to leave for more than a day, only leaving to get food or to do the laundry. The fans knew all about the situation. Not too long after my hair had been shaved off, he had put up a note on all his social media describing why he hadn’t been touring with the others and why he wasn’t active on his twitter and snapchat anymore. I wasn’t the only one stuck in this endless cycle of bad news, Jack was being dragged along right with me.  
  
I didn’t want to be here anymore, but I also didn’t want to go home. Taco had been staying at my parents’ house with my mom, so there wasn’t even a reason to go back. The only difference would be being able to stay days on end in my own bed, the positive thing being able to cuddle up against Jack every night. I was too afraid that things weren’t going to be the same as before, and I had every right to be. The way things were going now didn’t allow any room for everything to suddenly become a lot better. It never was going to go back to normal.  
  
 _But I still had to go home._  
  
It had been three days since the doctors came in and told me they couldn’t do anything for me anymore. If the chemo wasn’t going to start working, then it never would. I still had to wait for my previous results and then go for another test in a week. The first part was going to be coming through that door at any moment, already predicting what the conclusive results were for my case. But it didn’t matter. No matter what I was told now, I still got to go home. There was no reason, other than surveillance, for me to stay for any longer. This was my last day in the cursed hospital bed.  
  
Jack had packed all my belongings into a bag, having kept his in another one for the entire stay. The get-well-soon cards scattered around the place were no longer there, having made their way into a small box for safe keeping. I didn’t get the point of that though. It wasn’t like I was going to look at them ever again, and, while they were there to cheer me up and support me, they made me feel depressed instead. Every time I looked at peppy designs, I felt like they were mocking me, rubbing it in my face. I wasn’t going to get better.  
  
I was sitting on my bed having just tied my shoes, waiting for somebody to come through that door. There was still a small sliver of hope. Jack kept telling me that I was strong and that I was going to fight it, but I knew it was just to keep my spirits up. However, with how often he said it, I sometimes actually believed it. Now it was just up to the doctors to say if his words were true or not.  
  
When there was a knock on the door and a nurse came walking in, Jack quickly sat next to me, anticipating the results just as much as I was. He held my hand tightly, while his other hand was on my thigh, giving me a big encouraging smile. I couldn’t reciprocate it at all, though; I had already seen the look the nurse gave me. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t good at all. Before even saying one word, her eyes were already empty and sympathetic. I knew exactly what she was going to say: the same thing I was always told, just with a different ending.  
  
After looking over her clipboard one more time to check if she was reading it right, she looked up at us, “I’m not going to beat around the bush, and will just tell you what I can. Your blood count still isn’t looking any good and the last round of chemo we have done hasn’t helped anything. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like things are going to change soon at all and there’s no point trying to continue this.”  
  
Jack’s hand went limp, no longer giving me the supportive grip he had before. I expected this answer, but it still hit me hard. Nobody ever wants to hear those words, as much as they know exactly what’s going to be said.  
  
The nurse left us, meaning I didn’t have to make myself seem composed anymore. I buried my face in Jack’s neck and let the tears fall. This was it, and we both knew. He wrapped his arms around me securely and pulled me into his lap, trying not to cry, but still a few tears managed to escape his watery eyes. This was not how it was supposed to go. We were supposed to be the happy couple everybody envied, but now we were the one nobody wanted to be.  
  
\----  
  
Jack and I didn’t say a word to each other as we collected our last possessions. He tried taking as much stuff as he could, leaving me with only one duffel bag. Signing myself out of the hospital wasn’t easy either. I knew I wasn’t doing it because I was better and finally free. No, I was doing it because I couldn’t be saved. I still tried to smile at the person behind the desk as I handed her the papers, but I sure as hell didn’t feel confident at all anymore. Being seriously ill could really change a person.  
  
Only when we got in the car, ready to drive home, did Jack and I say a word to each other again. We just needed a bit of silence to think things through, but we also needed to be there for each other. This whole thing did not just affect me, but also him. It might have been even worse for him. He was going to have to life with it, while I… well, I didn’t.  
  
“So, off we are,” he sighed, pulling the car out of the parking spot and started driving to the exit. He was fully prepared to drive the short way home, trying to live our lives as normal as possible, but I had other ideas.  
  
Just before he pulled onto the main road, I made a suggestion, “let’s go to Disney World.”  
  
 _“What?!_ No way, Isle. We are not going to do that. No way. Never.” Jack shook his head furiously and started driving down the nearly empty road.  
  
“Why not! There’s no reason why we shouldn’t go. We both have clean clothes right here with us, since you washed them two days ago. We can stop on the way for food and gas. And it will be fun! We need some fun in our lives.” I argued, really wanting to go to the land full of dreams.  
  
“You’re forgetting one very important detail, Isle,” he growled.  
  
“What?”  
  
 _“You might not be able to handle it!”_ He shouted and suddenly braked at a red light, causing us to shoot forward, being saved by our seatbelts. And then it was quiet, our breathing and the low hum of the engine being the only sounds.  
  
I stared at him, trying to get him to look at me, but he kept emotionless and faced forwards, paying only minimal attention on the road. Giving up, I looked down at my hands, feeling like I had seriously messed up, “it’s just… it’s just I’ve never been and I’ve always wanted to go. I’m sorry…”  
  
Jack sighed audibly and pulled over, taking his phone out of his pocket and typing something, “I hope it’s worth it, because this is going to be a long 14 hour journey.” An automated voice started giving directions. When I went to check where we were going, a grin spread across my face.  
  
We were going to Disney World!  
  
And then our short road trip started. We put on some music to fill the silence and I put my feet up on the dashboard. This was going to take more than a day, and I had no clue what we were going to do when we had to stop for the night, let alone what we were going to do when we got there, but I wasn’t going to mention it to Jack just yet. I didn’t want him changing his mind and turning the car around to go home instead. As soon as we were too far out to go back, then I’d say something.  
  
Or at least I thought. I managed to fall asleep pretty quickly after we had gotten on the first highway. One of Jack’s many hoodies served as blanket that was covering the top half of my body, while my head was resting against the cool window. A car was one of the most uncomfortable places to fall asleep, but I was able to do it… and do it for very long. When I woke up, the sun was already starting to set and we were somewhere I couldn’t recognize at all. Tall dark trees were on either side of the road, and there were no streetlights to be seen anywhere. I rolled my head to look over at Jack and saw he was wearing his glasses. There also were two bottles of water now occupying the cup holders just behind to the console. Right next to my feet, I saw a sandwich wrapper, meaning that Jack at least ate. He briefly looked at me and smiled when he saw I was awake.  
  
“Hey, you’re up,” he commented in a quiet voice to match the surroundings, “I got some food when I stopped at a gas station a couple of hours back. It’s in the white plastic bag in the back. Go ahead and take something if you want.”  
  
“I’m fine, thanks,” I replied, stretching my limbs out and putting my feet back down on the ground.  
  
“You’ve been out for six hours and you haven’t eaten since that tiny bit you ate during breakfast. I’m not going to take a ‘I’m fine’. I don’t care what it is, but you’re going to eat something. It’s seven more hours to go, and it’s seven hours to go back, I will not hesitate to turn this car around.”  
  
“Fine, but only because I love you,” I reached back for the bag, cracking some of my bones in the process, and put it down in my lap. There wasn’t anything that didn’t make we want to throw up as I started looking through. The thought of having to eat a sandwich or something of the like made my stomach churn. At the very bottom of the bag, however, I found a small bag of vegetable chips, and decided that that was something I could try.  
  
I opened up the packet and started munching on something that looked like it could have once been a carrot. While it wasn’t the healthiest to eat, it didn’t have a taste or denseness that I couldn’t take.  
  
Jack heard the crunching and raised his eyebrows at me, “seriously? That’s what you’re going to eat? Ok, you know what, I shouldn’t complain, at least you’re putting something in your mouth.”  
  
“I could also put your dick in my mouth,” I snorted while I nibbled on a purple chip.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I should really think before I speak…” I muttered and let out a laugh before putting the bag with food back on the backseat, keeping my vegetable chips with me, “now, I will _not_ be giving you road head. I am not that type of girl, Jack Barakat!”  
  
“I don’t expect you to,” he laughed, shaking his head at my behaviour, “plus, I would not be able to concentrate on the road at all if you ever did.”  
  
“Why do our conversations always turn into us talking about sex?”  
  
“Because I’m one sexy motherfucker.”  
  
“That you are, Jack, that you are…”  
  
The drive continued on for a bit longer until I finally saw a sign again. The town Lumberton -- wherever that may have been -- was only a couple of miles away. With it quickly getting dark and the roads becoming abandoned, it might have been a good idea to stop for the night. A motel with vacancies couldn’t be too far away if you were on a highway and close to a city.  
  
“How about we stop and continue tomorrow?” I suggested, the amount of trees slowly starting to decline as we got closer to civilization.  
  
“I can drive for a bit longer. Let’s cross over to South Carolina first,” Jack shook his head, but let out a long yawn right after.  
  
I giggled, “looks like your own body just betrayed you, buddy. It’s not healthy to drive for such a long period of time anyway.”  
  
“Alright, alright, let’s find a place to stay.”  
  
Not much later, Jack emerged from a building holding a key to one of the many empty rooms. Sure, the place wasn’t that great, but it was better than having to illegally camp somewhere. I was just planning on not having to spend much longer than I had to in this place. But, hey, you had to do something like this at least once in your life.  
  
We went to our ground floor room, leaving most of our stuff in the car. The room was fairly small, there only being place for a queen size bed, a small table, and a door to the bathroom. But it was going to have to do for the night. It wasn’t like we were going to do anything other than sleeping here.  
  
I quickly got into my pajamas, the shirt hanging around my body loosely. Over time, I had become very skinny, my bones starting to show. It looked like my arms were ready to snap in half, and my ribs and hipbones looked like they were uncomfortably stretching my skin. I just couldn’t get myself to eat and gain all those pounds again, as much as I wished to. Luckily, Jack never made stupid comments, knowing how much I already hated to way I looked.  
  
As soon as I was ready, his arms snaked around my waist as he started trailing kisses up and down my neck, “it’s the first time in ages that we get to share a bed again.”  
  
I nodded, running my fingers along his arms before my hands rested on top of his, “I missed being able to cuddle up next to you.” Jack’s kisses became more frequent as I felt him starting to get aroused, but I really wasn’t in the mood. “Not today, Jack. I promise you there will be another day, but I’m not up for it now.”  
  
“It’s just been so long since I’ve been able to have this contact with you,” he whispered, not breaking away from my neck.  
  
“I know,” I sighed, but wasn’t going to give in.  
  
“Let’s get married,” he suddenly blurted out of nowhere.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Let’s get married,” he repeated, “like, Las Vegas style. Tomorrow. I’m pretty sure we can find some place that will do it.”  
  
 _“If_ I ever get married, I do not want it to be like that,” I shook my head and let out a ragged breath, “and our families will hate us for eloping. My mom would be absolutely mortified to find out she wasn’t there.”  
  
 _“Please…”_  
  
“Jack, you’re just tired and have been driving for too long, it’s getting to your head,” I turned around, but was shocked to see him with tears streaming down his cheeks, his eyes red and puffy.  
  
He shook his head, “I won’t be able to live myself knowing I didn’t marry you. Please don’t do this to me, _please._ Just… just say yes, just say you’ll be my wife.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Jack,” I caressed both his cheeks before giving him a passionate kiss and breaking away, “No.”


	71. Building Up a Bad Reputation

Jack and I managed to fall asleep quickly. Of course, I felt horrible for saying no to him. I loved him with all my heart, and I really _was_ planning on spending the rest of my life with him, but I knew that marrying him would be wrong. He wasn’t thinking straight and I knew he would regret it later on. Finding out that it was more likely that I would die than survive just took a toll on us. After trying to be strong for so long, he completely broke down. I didn’t blame him, nor judge him. I had had my fair share of mental breakdowns, it wasn’t just me who got affected by this whole situation.  
  
While nothing was awkward between us, I could tell that Jack was still thinking about it. I didn’t know if he was upset or just going over what exactly happened, but he was in thought. Even after taking a shower, he still wasn’t as lively as he usually was. Normal Jack would probably jump around the entire room knowing he was going to go to Disney World. But, no, he wasn’t like that this time. He was sitting on the bed, just staring blankly in front of himself, picking skin off his lips with his calloused fingers. I was honestly worried.  
  
“Jack?” I mumbled quietly after I had folded up my pajamas and put them back into my bag.  
  
He didn’t move an inch, not even realising that I was no longer in the bathroom. It just broke my heart seeing him like this. He didn’t deserve to feel like this just because of me. Even though I loved him and would never do anything on purpose to hurt him, it was still all my fault.  
  
I tried saying his name again, but it still didn’t catch his attention. I carefully climbed on the bed as well, careful not to make it bounce too much, and sat right behind him. His posture stayed the exact same, only to jump slightly as I snaked my arms around his waist and let my arms roam around his chest.  
  
I rested the side of my face on his back, giving him a short innocent kiss on his neck first. “You ok?”  
  
Jack hummed in response, raising his shoulders along, perfectly describing the mood I thought he was in.  
  
“Want to talk about what happened last night?” I continued, secretly hoping he would say yes. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t love him. The reason why I turned him down was far from that.  
  
“I don’t know,” he mumbled somberly, managing to break my heart even more. Just hearing him be so upset because of something I did was making me hurt even more as well.  
  
“Ok, well then I’ll just talk...” I told him. Even though he wasn’t up to it, I knew it was going to be now or never… or at least until one of us had a major mental breakdown again. “So, yesterday was, how do I put it, _eventful_. First the nurse gave us that pretty bad report, then I somehow managed to convince you crazyass to take me to Disney World. You drove for over seven hours and I just slept most of the time. And when I try to bring up the the thing I wanna talk about, you're suddenly proposing to me. I know I said no, but I didn’t really give you a very elaborate reasoning behind it. So, I guess I’ll explain it a bit more. This has nothing to do with the fact that I’ve always told you that I would never want to get married in my life, and trust me when I say it wasn’t because I don’t love you. Because, frankly, I love you way too much, which was something that once terrified me, but now I know for sure that it’s nothing to be afraid about, because I love you, and there’s nothing I can do about that. It just isn’t the right time to get married now and you’ll agree with me. Not getting married does not mean our love isn't valid and real. We just have too much on our minds right now, and we’ll get married for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to rush into all of that. Now, with what I’ve said, you’ll probably be able to figure out that I never said I didn’t want to marry you at all, just not now. Maybe you will ask me again very far into the future, and maybe I’ll say yes, who knows? But then it has to be for the right reasons.”  
  
I knew saying the far far future might have been a little far fetched. Nobody knew how long I’d live for; it could only be a couple more weeks, but it could also be a couple of years. Maybe they couldn’t treat me anymore, but they often had ways to keep me alive for longer. Plus, I wanted to be with Jack for longer and know it was the right thing to do before I started changing my whole opinion on something so big.  
  
Jack took one of my hands and held it, looking over his shoulder. “Really?”  
  
I nodded and sat up straight so I could look him in the eyes. “Really.”  
  
He turned around so he was no longer sitting, but now kneeling between my legs. Cupping my face, kissing me delicately as he used his other hand to stabilize us while pushing me to lie down on my back. I greedily kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him closer to me. I couldn’t help but grin into the kiss, causing Jack to smile back.  
  
“As much as I’d like to do this, we need to get going,” I whispered, running my fingers through his unstyled and slightly damp hair.  
  
“And you,” he poked my nose, making me scrunch it up, “need to take your meds, missy.”  
  
I groaned as he got off me, sticking my arms up, expecting him to help me up. After chuckling at me, he grabbed me by the wrists and pulled my body up while I barely did anything to help him. He turned to the backpack he had brought along and made a brown bag appear from it. Normally, I would think he would be smuggling booze, but I actually knew all the pill bottles were in there. Reading from a small piece of paper, he started taking out exactly which meds I had been ordered to take that morning. It was painful to say that I only had to take a third of everything given to me, which was only four bottles. Yes, that meant twelve in total--wait, no, there were fourteen, but who was counting? It seemed like I was basically going to be having these as meals.  
  
He filled one of the glasses provided in the room with water, handing it to me while making me hold out my other hand so he could give me the assortment of pills. I didn’t even bother asking him what exactly I was taking, I trusted the doctors to give me stuff that I needed, and I trusted Jack to make sure I actually took the right ones.  
  
“I love you,” I whispered instead of thanking him.  
  
“I love you too,” he grinned before swooping down to capture my lips with his in a quick, yet tender, kiss.  
  
I swallowed the medication one by one, not even daring to try to take more than one of those monstrous capsules at a time. It was absolutely worse that having a needle stuck in you 24/7 for chemo and nausea medication. Some of these things would dissolve in my mouth before I could even reach for the glass of water. The terrible bitter and powdery taste was absolutely the worst. It just inhibited my mouth for the rest of the day, reminding me of how screwed up my health was.  
  
Jack went to the reception to check-out while I got comfortable in the car. I found out that there was a pillow in the back--something Jack had brought to the hospital pretty early on when he realised how painful his neck was every morning--and stole it so I had something to curl around while I tried to catch some more sleep, or at least something to rest my head on.  
  
As soon as Jack entered the car as well and started it up, I stopped him. Picking up his glasses from the dashboard, I put it on his nose, slowly pushing it up. Not only did he look really cute and hot in them, I actually wanted him to be able to see the road properly. I knew for a fact that he was a lot more tired than the day before, and I wasn’t going to risk an accident happening just because his eyesight decided to fail on us.  
  
I, of course, started dozing off not even after we had been in the car for fifteen minutes. It was difficult for me to stay awake for longer periods of time. Seriously, the longest I had been able to do was two hours. I really needed to sleep now if I wanted to be able to spend a whole day at Disney World. It would seriously suck if I couldn’t deal with it all. I just really wanted to go, so maybe my excitement would give me that extra energy boost.  
  
I didn’t even get to fall asleep before my phone started ringing. Jack raised an eyebrow at me while I groaned and grabbed it from the place I had given it in the center console. I saw it was my mom calling and decided to answer, not wanting her to think that something had gone wrong. She was probably just checking up me.  
  
“Hello?” I said, trying to wake myself up so I wouldn’t fall asleep while talking to her.  
  
She replied back in a panicked tone, “Ireland, is everything ok? Did something happen? Did they make you stay longer?”  
  
“Yeah, everything’s fine, I got released yesterday. Why?”  
  
“I came over to your house to visit you as see how you were doing. Also to bring Taco back over, of course, but nobody answered the door. I figured you guys might have been out grocery shopping or something, but when I tried later you still weren’t there. Where are you?”  
  
“Oh, Jack and I are driving to Disney World.”  
  
 _“What?!”_  
  
“Jack and I are--”  
  
“Yeah, I heard you loud and clear. How stupid do you think you are? You can’t do that! You’re not in the right shape to be in a theme park for that long. And driving? There’s no way you can stay in a car for that long! Ireland, it’s a whole day away! You can’t do stuff like this. I swear to god. Jack is so unresponsible. Who does he think he is allowing you to do all that? He has no right to take you after you have just been released from a hospital. Does he even know how dangerous this is? Anything could go wrong! Why would he even think something like this is good for you?”  
  
Jack gave me a worried look as he heard me not talk for a while. I shook my head at him, telling him not to worry. I sighed at my mom’s overprotectiveness, “No, that’s not what happened. I convinced him.”  
  
“Well, he shouldn’t give in to you so quickly!” She snapped, losing her mind.  
  
“If you say so,” I said unemotionally, not caring about whatever she had to say about Jack. She always used to like him so much, so I couldn’t believe she could suddenly change her mind about him.  
  
“You know what? I’m going to call your dad so he can make you hear what I’m saying!”  
  
With that she hung up on me. Well, she was really mad. We never ended a phone conversation just like that. Not like we ever argued over the phone anyway. But we always said that we loved each other before we hung up. This time is was definitely the opposite. It actually left me feeling kid of guilty, while I knew there was nothing for me to feel guilty about. I hadn’t done anything wrong, nor had Jack. My mom was just too quick with her judgement this time, jumping to conclusions without even knowing all the details.  
  
“Everything ok?” Jack finally asked, grabbing my hand as if the phone call had just really hurt me. If anything, however, I was confused rather than sad.  
  
“Umm, yeah, but she might just hate you now,” I told him while I was still trying to figure out what had happened, “Scratch that. She totally does.”  
  
“What, why?” His expression immediately changed from concern to a hint of sadness.  
  
I continued to hold his hand to support him. "Apparently she came over, but we weren’t there, so I told her that we’re going to Disney World. She basically flipped out and blamed you. I didn’t even get to explain that it was completely my idea. But, hey, I’m also not her favorite right now.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
Before I could make it seem less bad than it actually was, my phone started ringing again. This time it was my dad. I dreaded what was awaiting me and I hesitantly let my thumb hover over the answer button. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t just decline his call and act like nothing happened. I had to accept my fate.  
  
Once again, I answered the call with a hello, not sure how I was supposed to react to him calling me right now.  
  
“So, your mother told me what’s going on,” he sighed, and I was completely ready for disappointment, “but I can’t help but say that I completely disagree with her. I know how you’ve always wanted to go there, you always begged me to take you when you were still a child. So, I’m trying to convince her that everything will be fine, but I had to leave her so she could cool down before I actually start. Don’t worry, she’ll be happy again in no time.”  
  
“Thank you, daddy,” I grinned widely, knowing he could probably hear how much the corners of my mouth were curled up.  
  
“I wasn’t done yet. I assumed you and Jack didn’t have a place to stay yet. So, since I used go often for conferences, I managed to get you guys a room at the Four Season hotel at the Disney World Resort. Remember how you always wanted to come with me whenever I had to go there again? Well, you finally get to go.”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“I love you too, bye.”  
  
Jack gave me a quick look, before staring back at the road ahead. “So?”  
  
Before I could reply, I got a text message. It was from my dad, making panic rush through me. Maybe he got into a fight with my mom already. But when I unlocked my phone to check, I saw that he had just given me more details about the hotel Jack and I were staying at. Once again, I told him I love him, adding another thank you. Sometimes it just made me that tiny bit happier that my dad and I also had a great relationship, caring about each other no matter what.  
  
“My mom’s still mad,” I told Jack, putting my phone back where I had originally taken it from, “But dad’s ok with it. He actually got us a hotel to stay at and paid for it; something about it being a super late birthday present for you. So, we get to stay at the Four Seasons hotel for three nights.”  
  
“What? Isn’t that, like, super expensive?”  
  
“It’s my dad, don’t complain. I’m pretty sure he got some discounts though. He’s been way more often than I’d like to admit. Seven year old me definitely threw a couple of temper tantrums just because he wouldn’t take me along.”  
  
Jack chuckled, knowing better than to make me text my dad that we would sort it out ourselves. “Spoiled child much?”  
  
“Umm, excuse me!” I gasped, bringing a hand up to cover my heart as if he had just really hurt me, “I’ll have you know that I’ve never been to Disney World!”  
  
“And we’re going to change that now.” Jack brought my hand to his lips, giving it one careful kiss.


	72. Is Disney World Really the Happy Place They Tell You About?

I woke up to kisses being littered all over my face until the last couple pecks were placed right onto my lips. Letting out a small groan, I reached out to push Jack away. I didn’t care what time it was, I was still very tired. Let’s just say that it took a while for Jack and I to fall asleep, if you know what I mean. What was early for him, was pretty late for me. So, while he was completely awake and able to be excited, I felt like I could sleep for another couple of hours… or days… maybe even weeks.  
  
 _“Come on,”_ Jack urged with much enthusiasm in his voice, “We’re going to explore Disney World today!”  
  
Oh yeah, that’s what we were going to be doing; that was the reason why Jack woke me up and didn’t let me sleep for much longer. It actually did give me a bit more motivation to actually open my eyes and try to wake up. I had to ignore how terrible I actually felt, just because I really did want to go to Disney World. To be honest, if I were at home now, I would have refused to ever come out of bed and would have probably asked Jack get a bucket ready for me to throw up over the course of the day. Not only did I feel nauseous, but all my joints were aching as well. It literally hurt to move my limbs, every small twitch making me feel an uneasy and uncomfortable pain. Not that any pain wasn’t uncomfortable… it just wasn’t enough yet to make me scream out.  
  
When I finally opened my eyes, I was met with the sight of Jack still hovering over me slightly, giving me the biggest grin he could muster. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t even a little bit excited to be going to Disney World. I was actually pretty sure he was just as excited as me. Nobody could be bored or upset in this situation.  
  
“Good, you’re up. I know it’s early for you, but we need a couple of hours at Disney World if we actually want to do stuff. So, it’s time for you to take your medication, then we can take a shower and have breakfast.” He smiled, planning out the entire day in his head already, starting to get out of bed after giving me one last peck on the lips. “How does that sound?”  
  
 _“We_ can take a shower? Are you implying that we shower to--” I didn’t even get to groggily finish my sentence before I was completely distracted by Jack’s back, which was on full display for me as he sat on the edge of the bed. A blush slowly crept onto my cheeks as my eyes flickered between the many scratches he had going down from his shoulders all the way to his waist. They were bright red and painful looking, but Jack didn’t even seem to realise.  
  
“What’s wrong?” He asked as he noticed I didn’t even finish my comment.  
  
I blinked a couple times, tearing my eyes away from the sight and instead looking at his concerned features. “Oh, umm, nothing. You might just want to keep a shirt of the entire day, unless you want everybody to know what happened last night.”  
  
“What?” He furrowed his eyebrows, not understanding what I meant.  
  
“Just look at your back,” I sighed and shook my head, starting to slowly make myself sit up in bed. My back was close to refusing the body weight it had to support while my wrists didn’t exactly like pushing me up. But there weren’t any other positions that would make me feel much better.  
  
Jack rushed over to the full length mirror and craned his neck to be able to see the reflection of his back, pulling at the skin with his hands to make it easier. His confused frown quickly turned into a smirk as he went to look back at me. “I didn’t know I was able to pleasure you _that_ much.”  
  
“Shut up,” I muttered and threw a pillow at him as my blush intensified, quickly hiding my face behind my hands.  
  
“Only because you’re so fucking cute right now.” He was suddenly standing in front of me, peeling my hands off my face so he could give me a big grin before leaning down to kiss me. “And you need to take your medication now. I’ll go get them for you along with a big glass of water, you stay here, ok?”  
  
“Ok,” I whispered and smiled as I watched Jack walk over to his backpack, which had the paper bag with all my medication in it. He frowned at a small piece of paper that was included, trying his best to read the squiggly doctor’s handwriting and take out the proper dosages of the right medications. It was quite a long list. Everyday I was supposed to take many different pills, all at different times during the day.  
  
Jack soon returned with ten pills, some of them of the same kind, after he had gone to the bathroom to fill a glass with water for me. I smiled and thanked him as I carefully took the glass from him and moved all the pills into my hand. It was going to have to be quick; I was going to have to swallow these pills quickly and chase them with water immediately. If I took too long the horrible, bland powdery taste would stay in my mouth, and I was not going to risk throwing up just because of that taste. So, I swallowed pill after pill, keeping my eyes closed as my face scrunched up every time.  
  
Jack stroked my head before carefully kissing the top of it. “Good job. Now, let’s go take that shower.”  
  
So, we did. No funny business happened, but Jack just wanted to help me. I was actually very thankful for it. There used to be a point in my life where I would have absolutely refused it, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do it by myself. I didn’t exactly tell Jack -- hell, I didn’t tell him at all -- but it already hurt to raise my arms up or bend down to pick something up. I was really happy that he was there to help me wash my body, and he did it all without making me feel uncomfortable.  
  
I put on some light clothes since I was going to be wearing a beanie. I didn’t want to overheat while we were there, but I was probably going to refuse showing off my bald shiny head in front of so many people. Of course I brought a hoodie with me, just in case I would get cold, but otherwise a loose fitting t-shirt (not that I didn’t have a shirt that wasn’t loose fitting anymore) and some shorts was going to have to do. Nothing special really.  
  
Since it was pretty early, or at least early for me now (it totally wouldn’t have been when I was completely healthy), me managed to go down to the restaurant and get some breakfast. Well, it was more like Jack got an elaborate breakfast with pancakes and maple syrup, while I just asked for a bowl of fruit. Although it wasn’t much, it was something. I needed some energy for the day to come. Jack seemed to appreciate it, so that was always a bonus.  
  
All was calm and quiet until a family with a young girl walked past us. She stared at me for a bit while still trying to follow her parents. That was when she suddenly pointed at me blurted out, “mama, what’s wrong with her?”  
  
Her mother looked at me and her eyes immediately went wide with panic. Jack was in a similar situation, having heard loud and clearly what the little girl had said. They both didn’t know exactly what to do, but the mother immediately started apologizing profusely, telling her child she couldn’t just ask stuff like that.  
  
I just shook my head and indirectly asked if I could tell the girl what was going on. The mother nodded slowly as I got off my chair and lowered myself to the floor. Ignoring the pain all throughout my body, I crossed my legs so I was the same height as the daughter. She looked at me curiously as she hugged her Minnie Mouse soft toy to her chest.  
  
“Hi,” I smiled at her, so I wouldn’t scare her off, already trying to think of the best way to tell her the morbid information, “what’s your name?”  
  
“Charlie,” she replied in a whisper, acting shy although she was still examining me.  
  
“That’s a very nice name.” I responded and grinned as she shyly shuffled around. “Well, Charlie, do you want to know why I don’t look exactly as good as all the other people here?”  
  
She thought for a while before before nodding wildly, clutching Minnie Mouse tighter to her body.  
  
“I’ll tell you then. So, we are all made of these small things and normally they all live happily together. That’s how it is for most people. But then for people like me, something evil happens. One of the small things turns bad and quickly everything around it also turns bad, making me very ill. The doctors try their best to make everything happy again, but it means that they have to stop a lot of the things going on, meaning that some of the happy stuff also stops temporarily, like my hair stops growing.”  
  
She gasped and her gaze intensified, as if she finally realised what was missing, “Your hair is gone!”  
  
I nodded and took off the beanie, showing off what I wanted to hide not even an hour before. The girl looked at me and frowned, “You’re still pretty though.”  
  
I gave her a small smile that faltered soon before putting the beanie on her head. “Thank you,” I lowered my voice so that Jack couldn’t hear a thing I was saying, “Do you want to keep this safe for me? I won’t be needing it for much longer.”  
  
Once again she seemed very excited and did a little dance. She didn’t understand the somber and morbid meaning behind my sentence, but apparently her mother did. Placing a hand on her daughter’s shoulder, she thanked me with a sympathetic look, before joining the rest of her family. I stood back up to sit on my chair again, wincing in pain as my legs carried all my weight again for a bit.  
  
“Are you ok?” Jack carefully asked me, looking worried as he was finally able to see how much in pain I actually was.  
  
“Yeah, just a little sore,” I dismissed, trying to focus back on the small bowl of fruit I had.  
  
“Maybe we should go back to our room after breakfast so you can take some painkillers.”  
  
“That might be a good idea, just so it won’t get worse over the day. I still need to be able to survive tomorrow as well.” I agreed, trying to make it sound less worse than it actually was. The next day we were going to go to a venue not too far away. Jack had found out that the guys were playing in Florida, so he took the chance to join them again. It was only for one show though. I wasn’t going to decline it. Plus, if this was going to be my last chance to see Jack play along with the others, I was going to take it.  
  
\----  
  
While we were waiting in the cue to get the tickets, I reached into Jack’s backpack and looked around for something. Somewhere, there had to be a folder storing some documents, including one I was looking for. Jack had no idea what I was doing and frowned at me as I took out a piece of paper, or more specifically a doctor’s letter. It’s always pretty useful to know a doctor at the hospital you’re admitted to; they can always pull some strings for you and make specific things easier. Now, when I organized it, I didn’t even think of going to Disney World yet, but I knew it would come in handy someday, I just didn’t know it would be this soon.  
  
“What’s that?” Jack asked before I was able to explain it to him.  
  
“Well,” I handed him the sheet while I closed the backpack again, “I have right to disabled access and a wheelchair.”  
  
“Disabled access and a wheel chair?” He raised an eyebrow at me, not too surprised, but also not understanding it fully.  
  
I nodded in confirmation. “Yeah. I can’t stand and wait in the cues for the rides for really long, especially in warm weather with the sun beaming down on me. And then the wheelchair is needed because I might get too tired or it might be too painful to walk. Also, people don’t really believe you if you go to the disabled entrance without a wheelchair… like you probably know…”  
  
“So, you’re doing this so we can cut the line?”  
  
“Basically.”  
  
We took full advantage of it, also getting a wheelchair like the doctor had recommended. I was too strong to actually sit in it and be wheeled around by Jack though, especially at the beginning. It wasn’t too difficult walking around since we never had to wait longer than 10 minutes. However, as the day progressed and as the painkillers started wearing off, I decided it was best to actually sit down and not walk for much longer. Of course Jack freaked out when I told him I was having some pain, but I told him not to worry, that it wasn’t too bad yet. But, honestly, the pain had gotten worse since that morning.  
  
The only thing that really really sucked--other than feeling uncomfortable the entire time because my whole body was aching--was that I couldn’t go onto the really crazy and fun rides. So, no loopings, high drops, or super fast speeds for me. Apparently it would be a risk if I went on them, as if my health could get any worse by having some fun. It was just going to have to be motivation to stay alive so I could come again and actually go on everything I wanted.  
  
We were waiting to go on the next ride, standing on the other side of the terminal than all the other guests. I didn’t even know where we were anymore. Jack had quite literally dragged me in, and since we went through the disabled entrance, we didn’t even see any of the decoration. We always just entered through what was actually the exit. The fact that I was really starting to get exhausted was also really getting in the way. It was only three pm and I already felt like I could sleep for two days straight.  
  
“Hey, you need to take your medication again,” Jack whispered as his bag went from his back and he opened it. “Don’t worry, I’ve got a water bottle.”  
  
“Ok,” I muttered while my head was resting in my left hand. This was going to be the last ride I got on, I really needed to get to bed soon.  
  
As Jack was looking through everything, somebody shouted his name from the crowd, causing Jack to look up in confusion immediately. When the person shouted out that they were wearing an All Time Low shirt, he gave a big grin and a thumbs up before returning to his bag, looking through the selection of pills he had been carrying along the entire time. I could tell he really wasn’t up for fan interaction, because when the girl continued to shout, asking him if he was going to be there during the show, he only gave a thumbs up, but didn’t look up. It wasn’t something you’d realise if you were excited about seeing your idol, but I definitely did. Normally he would be shouting things back, you know, the Jack way. It was completely the opposite now.  
  
After I forced myself to swallow the six pills I was given this time, we were allowed on. However, I had misjudged how bad my knees actually were. When I went to get out of the wheelchair and walk to the roller coaster train, my legs nearly gave out from underneath me. I harshly clutched onto Jack to stabilize myself. He quickly looked at me, panic taking over his eyes.  
  
“Are you ok?” He questioned seeming very concerned and ready to jump into action if needed.  
  
I just shook my head, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to hide this from him. If I said I was completely fine, he would have known I was lying. I basically just fell over because of the pain, it would make no sense to act like nothing was wrong.  
  
“Do you still want to go on the ride? Or would you rather go back?”  
  
I nodded at the first question, “yes, but this is the last ride I’ll go on.”  
  
Jack helped me into the train, making sure I lowered myself down slowly and didn’t do anything to quickly and cause myself too much pain. I felt bad for holding up the whole thing, but going back would only take me even longer. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to live a ‘normal’ life while in so much agony and discomfort. Jack just kept muttering encouraging words while I was also thanking him.  
  
I just hoped he would be enough when we went back home.


	73. This Is The End.

Jack was trying to shake me awake once again. It seemed like that was the way all my days started, or basically started five times. With the amount of times I fell asleep, Jack really did have to wake me up multiple times. This time, however, I had only been asleep for fifteen minutes, and it really wasn’t my intention to close my eyes at all. You see, the drive to the venue ATL would be playing at was only very short. I was fully up for talking with Jack that entire time, but my body seemed to think otherwise. If I wanted to -- even if I didn’t want to -- I could have fallen asleep at a construction site. My body just didn’t agree with my mind anymore. I couldn’t control my sleeping schedule.  
  
“Hey, baby, we’re here,” Jack smiled as I opened my eyes and stretched out a little. He pressed the button to undo my seatbelt, and carefully moved it around me before letting go. “I know it’s the last thing you want to do or think about, but we have to rush to the gate unless we want to get mobbed by fans.”  
  
“I just wanna go back to bed,” I grumbled and pouted at him. I couldn’t even remember why I had agreed to go with him. Well, I didn’t really have any other option, because Jack wouldn’t allow me to stay at the hotel alone, and I wasn’t just going to tell him I didn’t want to go anymore. Seriously, if I had said that, he wouldn’t even have considered going anymore.  
  
“I know,” he gave me a sympathetic smile, kissing my forehead softly, “you can sleep in the dressing room, I’ll tell everyone to quiet it down.”  
  
“But I was going to edit some of our videos.”  
  
“Just do whatever you want to, ok?” He reached backwards to grab the backpack we had been using the last couple of days to carry everything we needed. After opening it and looking for something, he pulled out one of his old beanies, holding it out for me. “Do you want to wear this?”  
  
I nodded and took it from him, putting it over my bald head. Even though I had been showing off that I didn’t have any hair in Disney World, I wanted to cover up this time. I didn’t know anybody except for Jack in the theme park, but many people knew me here. I wasn’t exactly afraid of their judgement, but I still wanted to avoid it if still possible. Of course they’d still be able to see how bad I was doing, but I liked to think of it as it being my safety blanket.  
  
“Let’s go before the fans realise we’re in this car,” I mumbled. Jack nodded and rushed out his side, running over to mine and opening the door for me.  
  
I tried my best to quickly get out of the car as he grabbed my hand so we wouldn’t lose each other. After slamming the door shut, Jack started speed walking, taking big steps, steps that were too big for me to keep up with. Fans started screaming out his name, causing him to speed up even more. I was basically running after him, every step I took making pain shoot through my legs, while the air in my lungs didn’t seem to be sufficient enough. But Jack just kept going, determined to enter the building as soon as possible. He handed our IDs and his backstage pass to the security guard. We were quickly let it, and Jack finally slowed down his pace again. I really couldn’t do this anymore.  
  
I was gasping for air, not being able to breathe anymore. Maybe my mom had been right; maybe we should have listened to her; Maybe it would have been better if we went home straight away, and I just spent my last days in bed. As much as I loved Disney World, and as happy as I was about finally going, I couldn’t deal with this anymore. Everything hurt. _Nothing was ok.  
_  
“Are you ok?” Jack panicked as he noticed how badly I was off.  
  
I nodded. I had to do this for him.  
  
He started leading the way through the venue, already having been at this place a couple of times before. They always had the same dressing room, so he was able to walk there without thinking too much. I just held onto his hand tightly so I would keep up with him and not slow down too much. Walking like this was slow for him, but it was already too much for me. Was I going to tell him, though? No. I was going to act like it was all fine and dandy.  
  
Soon enough, Jack opened a door that had a piece of paper with the All time low logo printed on it, stuck to it. We were met with three excited guys who were happy to see Jack again after barely having contact with him for weeks. Alex was especially thrilled, running up to Jack to hug him like they hadn’t seen each other in years. I just stood there awkwardly, watching as they all greeted my boyfriend but didn’t even seem to realise I was there as well. I guess they couldn’t exactly recognize me anymore. While I used to be able to match Jack’s personality, I was now completely quiet. My hair no longer swept over my shoulder as I moved, meaning that it caught nobody’s eye. I had completely changed.  
  
Eventually Alex saw me behind Jack and gave me a big smile, walking up to me and holding his arms out for a hug. As much as I wanted to give him a quick hug as well, I had to shake my head. “I can’t hug anybody, doctor’s orders.”  
  
He frowned at me. “Well, that rule sucks. Why would they make you do that? It’s just completely unfair!”  
  
“I basically don’t have an immune system anymore,” I shrugged and noticed everybody was now looking at me, just as curious as Alex, “even though you guys aren’t sick, I think, I can’t risk it. I don’t exactly want to have another chest infections, now, do I?”  
  
“Of course not,” Rian replied before an awkward silence occurred, “you actually look really great, I would have expected you to look a lot worse. Jack’s been trying to bring us up to date.”  
  
I decided not to take offense to what he had said, knowing it wouldn’t be worth it, and let out a laugh instead. “That’s probably the illusion of the beanie. They tried to get me to wear a wig, but I completely refused that.”  
  
“You look great in beanies, though,” Jack complimented and kissed my temple while wrapping his arm around my waist.  
  
“What would I have done if I didn’t?” I grinned up at him before looking around the place, finding a couch all alone in the corner, not surrounded by any other piece of furniture. “Well, I’ll just go and sit in a corner while you guys do whatever you guys do.”  
  
“Ok, but you have to take your medication first.” He handed me the backpack, knowing there would be no point in forcing me to join him and hang out with the others. I wasn’t going to be any fun, and I was going to fall asleep anyway. It would just be better for everyone.  
  
I held in a sigh and nodded, walking over to the table full of water bottles and junk food. As soon as I opened the backpack, I started looking at this list of medication I needed to take. Bottle after bottle was pulled out, only a couple placed back. I could feel the eyes burning holes into my back as the guys were surprised with how much I had to take, which was even more than the day before. I just tried to ignore it all, swallowing the pills three at a time. The whole water bottle was finished afterwards.  
  
As soon as I heard movement and talking going on, I decided to take out my laptop and headphones before retreating to the couch, lying down on it and trying to get some editing done. Nobody seemed to be paying attention to me, so I took off the beanie so the headphones would fit more comfortably, plus it was getting pretty hot in here. At least Jack was having fun again being around his best friends and bandmates.  
  
\----  
  
I didn’t know how late it was when Jack shook me awake, telling me they were about to go on stage. While I rubbed my eyes, I looked around, seeing that the others weren’t here anymore. My laptop had been placed on the table with my headphones lying neatly on top of it; somebody had obviously taken it away from me and put it away before I dropped it in my sleep. There were empty cans of beer scattered around the place the guys were sitting at before. I just hoped Jack hadn’t had too much to drink, since he was the only one that would be able to drive us back to the hotel. The entire crew had to pack up and leave to go to the next venue, and there was no way I was going to go into a taxi while feeling the way I did; I still had to be careful of any diseases I could get from being out in the public.  
  
Without even saying anything, I got up. Too quickly, if I may add. I guess you could just say I was confused out of my mind. I couldn’t even remember falling asleep, making me feel so disoriented. Jack didn’t seem to notice, however, and just gave me a kiss before taking my hand and leading me to the stage. There were many people: support bands, crew, and the band itself, but I just felt like I was distanced from everything. No, not because I was a couple of steps away -- I was right in the middle of all the busyness -- but I just felt like I was observing, the sound kind of muffled, the images just a tad blurry. All my senses were messed up. I was numb.  
  
Before I could even figure out what was going on, Jack was kissing me again before running out of stage. This was different than the signals I got before I had a seizure. This was way worse. I couldn’t control my actions, and sat down so I could see the entire show, the guys rocking out, but there was no sound. I didn’t even know what I was looking at. They were just figures in this silly little world I was in.  
  
I felt tired, the flashing lights not fazing me, my sense of time completely gone. As I rested my head in my hand and my eyes started to slowly close, I knew what was happening.  
  
I didn’t care if I was going to die here. As soon as my eyes would be fully shut, I would be gone, all the pain we be gone, I would finally be peaceful again. No more worries. I would have gotten to see Jack do what he loved one more time, I would be content. I didn’t even care about the consequences. Sure, the headlines wouldn’t be all too great, but I would finally be free again, not having to deal with this horrible illness that was killing me from the inside out. While my eyes were blocking out more and more light, everything seemed to get brighter.  
  
A high piercing sound ran through my head as I was ready to collapse and let myself fall back.  
  
 _“Ireland, no!”_ Was the last thing I heard Jack cry before I let the bright darkness consume me.


	74. Great Sleep, Great Imagination

It was weird really. One moment I was still watching Jack run around on stage acting like his hyper self, the next I couldn’t wake up anymore. When I let myself slip away and fall back, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go back. It was a one way trip, no return. I was going to be gone and nobody would be able to stop me, no matter how hard they tried. It was my time to leave. The pain was overbearing and the fatigue was consuming. I wanted to, it was my decision. I was fully prepared for the end.  
  
But what I didn’t know was that I was going to be stuck.  
  
Yes, that’s right, I was stuck.  
  
Once again, I hadn’t managed to slip away completely. I was stuck in that limbo of imaginations again. Only, this time I wasn’t all too happy about it. Normally, I would be happy to know that there was still a chance, that I was still alive and that there was a possibility that I would be able to keep on living my life. I’d do anything just to open my eyes again and to see everything I loved. I was my motivation. But I didn’t want to anymore. I was perfectly content leaving everything behind. Even Jack.  
  
I know, I was selfish for doing this to myself, for shutting my body off. My parents would be hurting knowing they didn’t get to see me one more time since I left the hospital, Cam would be mad that he chose going back to LA because of his job, the crew members wouldn’t know what to do with a dead body, Alex would choose to stop the show again, countless of disappointed fans, and Jack. I’d break Jack’s heart. Why? All because I wanted to be out of my misery. But was that really such a bad thing? They say to let go what you love, and that’s what I wanted everybody to do. I had already done it, they could do it too.  
  
But no. My body was still operating; barely, but still breathing.  
  
I didn’t know when I was asleep or when I was ‘awake’ anymore. It all felt the same. I didn’t have any sense of time anymore, and my brain kept placing me in weird scenarios with random scenery. My senses always felt so real. Whenever I was on a beach, I could feel the heat tingling on my skin, beads of sweat forming to cool me down, bright light blinding my eyes as I looked as the white sand or the water reflecting the sun like strips of silver. It all felt so real, and I didn’t know any different. For me, it seemed like my actual life. I didn’t know I was actually in a coma the entire time; I wouldn’t even find out until I woke up or died.  
  
Throughout my dreaming and imagining, I didn’t realise anything what was actually going on around me. I didn’t hear the machines beeping, I didn’t hear people talking to me, trying to tell me to wake up, and I couldn’t feel anybody’s touch. I was in a deep coma, just like after my car crash. It seemed like I was never going to wake up.  
  
But everybody kept hoping, keeping me alive for longer. I was calling myself selfish before, but actually everybody else was as well. They all knew deep down that I would have been so much happier if I had actually left this world, but they kept telling themselves that I was strong and would want to be here for longer. The doctors kept saying that there was a high chance that I would never recover fully, but they had to keep me going as long as they were still being paid by my parents. After everything, they still couldn’t let go of me. Everybody kept thinking that I would be able to make it through, just because I had done it before. But, really, it didn’t just work like that.  
  
Apparently, all the experiences in my dreams were influenced by everything that was being done to me. I would feel cold and shiver while in an icy wasteland when I was actually being taken to the radiation room. The heat and bright sun came from large lights they used when inspecting me. The occasional meadows I was in were actually derived from the flowers being switched out next to my bed. I still experienced the outside world, but in a different way. But I didn’t know this, I barely remembered anything as soon as the scene switched once again.  
  
Jack and my parents had discussed what to do with me after more time passed to when the leaves started falling off the tree’s branches, leaving it bald and cold. While they had been able to keep my heart beating, they hadn’t found a way to cure me yet, so they had to consider all their options. It was difficult, but eventually they all settled on the same option. There was a new type of chemo that went hand in hand with radiation therapy, but it hadn’t been tested thoroughly yet. I then had to get a stem cell transplant that was going to have to help me build up healthy cells again. While the chance was very low of me surviving, if I managed to survive the harsh chemicals and radiation first, they still took it. I didn’t understand why. I would have given up on myself a long time before, just like I had done on that night of the concert.  
  
Life went on while I was frozen in a bed. My dad couldn’t afford to stay home for long, since he didn’t want his company to fail and now had that he also had my treatment to pay for, he needed to make sure everything went smoothly. Mom had opened up her cafe/bakery downtown and was already getting quite a few customers. While she used to spend most of her time at the hospital with me, she now stayed at her shop for longer, busy making cakes and finding people to hire. Cam and his band had released their new album. Around the World and Back, it was called, just like the song I was featured on. They used my vocals from the original version, only improving the instrumentals and some of Cam’s vocals. The original plan was for me to fly out and redo it, but that obviously couldn’t happen. They were somewhere in Europe now, showing off their music to all the kids there. All this was happening, and All Time Low had planned to go on tour again, but Jack absolutely refused to leave. He was there with me the entire time.  
  
I never heard when he would silently cry next to my bed, begging for me to wake up at least once a day. The normal happy, hyper, and childish Jack didn’t exist anymore. He had to deal with more serious matters than most people his age had to. I was the reason for his heart break, but nothing in real life or in my imagination managed to warn me about his despair. I didn’t know how he was doing at all.  
  
But something changed this one particular day. The normal static noise wasn’t as overpowering anymore, making the mess in my head reduce. I had just left the cold arctic landscape again, but I could still feel the frostbite in my fingers and toes. Normally the feeling would suddenly disappear in no time, but something was different. There was a tingling sensation, like I had just picked up powdery snow in my hands and went back inside, creating pins and needles. However, I hadn’t done that, and it was only on one hand.  
  
I wanted to find out what it was -- no, I _needed_ to find out. It continued to stay while I went back to the calm dark forest, which actually meant that the lights in the room were turned off. As I sat on the tree I always relaxed and slept on, I stared at my left hand, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Of course I immediately thought the worst. I could have damaged a nerve, somehow the cancer could have affected my hand in this way, or maybe it was just simply dying and going to fall off.  
  
But then a loud sob echoed through the tall trees, coming somewhere from far away. My concern immediately switched to the person crying and I jumped off my branch and let my bare feet fall onto the floor made of crushed dry leaves, twigs, and moss. A ground that would have normally hurt, felt like feathers to me. But the peculiarity didn’t even seem to faze me. I just searched around for the voice as the crying continued. My fingertips brushed past the bark of the ancient trunks, a splinter never daring to pierce through my precious skin. The leaves crunched underneath my feet as the light in the forest kept getting brighter and brighter. Eventually, I had to shield my eyes with the hand uselessly dangling beside me. But I kept going.  
  
And that’s when I suddenly fell. The forest disappeared high above me as everything around we was now that same blinding white. A weight was removed from my chest, finally allowing me to breathe properly and be free. It was finally over. The scenes no longer changed, and I had finally left the horrific and repeating world.  
  
 _“Isle?”_


	75. All These Looks With Different Meanings

“Oh my god,” Jack gasped as he saw my eyes flutter open uncomfortably. The light was way too bright for me to handle, having literally been consumed by darkness for a while. My eyes somehow felt dry, even though they had been closed all that time.  
  
But that wasn’t what I was focused on, nor on the terrible aching throughout my entire body. I couldn’t really care about that. There were more important things going on. For example, the haunting thoughts that were consuming my mind. Nothing made sense to me anymore. I didn’t know that I was remotely alive. I still didn’t feel like it. But the fact that I was somehow experiencing this, meant that I had to be breathing and my heart was still beating. Dead bodies didn’t have senses anymore.  
  
“Isle! You woke up!” Jack quickly picked up his chair and sat down closer to me, making the plastic scrape painfully over the laminate floor, “I-- I thought you weren’t going to anymore. The doctors tried waking you up, but nothing happened. I thought I was going to lose you forever!”  
  
I couldn’t match Jack’s excitement. Actually, all my feeling were quite the opposite of excitement. I didn’t want to be there. After having made the decision that I was fine with leaving, I was actually expecting to never have to come back. Yet, here I was, in a hospital bed, in a private room, Jack talking to me. I was always ready to take things the way they came, but this time I really had hoped that it was the end.  
  
I slowly turned my head to look at Jack, my face and eyes completely blank. The fact that he had one of the biggest smiles on his face didn’t make my mouth even twitch slightly just showed how annoyed I was.  
  
No, I wasn’t annoyed, I was numb. I wanted to die. I was content, but now I couldn’t even remember what that felt like.  
  
“You don’t even understand how happy I am right now,” Jack emphasized, only making the contrast between us bigger, “I almost lost hope! You were supposed to wake up two days ago latest. But you’re alive!”  
  
 _“I wish I wasn’t,”_ I deadpanned and turned to look up at the ceiling again. The plain white tiled ceiling look cold with the fluorescent tube lamps giving off an unnatural bright light. It described the feeling in my heart, only had hoped that it was dark rather than showing signs of life.  
  
“What?” He barely managed to squeak out, not even loud enough to be a whisper.  
  
“Well, let’s see,” my voice was still monotone as my eyes didn’t flicker to look around, “you managed to keep me alive for however long I’ve been here. But what now? The time you managed to keep me alive hasn’t benefitted anyone. You weren’t able to do anything with me, I literally couldn’t do anything. I’m going to die eventually. But for some reason, rather than letting me die and have it over and done with, you’re making me go through this for longer than necessary. Don’t you think I wouldn’t have fallen over if I had tried hard enough? If I was really motivated, I would have been able to stay awake. But what was the point? Everybody was happy, the only person who still needed to be was me, so I decided to take that in my own hands. I’d never have to live with this fucking cancer ever again. But, now, look what you’ve done. I’m stuck here for longer, having to live once again until my body finally decides to give up again soon.”  
  
“But you don’t understand!” Jack interjected before I got anymore depressing with my pessimistic views. I just thought that he was trying to make it right, but it was obvious he couldn’t.  
  
“Just _shut up,”_ I snapped back, not wanting to listen to his lame selfish excuses, “I’m guessing it’s not just you who hated me enough to do this. There’s no way I’d be in a room like this and still be fucking alive if my parents weren’t involved. I thought they knew better than that. They said they would never do it again after they kept me alive for a year while everybody told them there was no point. But, hey, guess what! You’re all selfish twats who made this worse.”  
  
 _“Ireland!”_ He sternly looked at me, not allowing to let me keep going on with my rant. His hand was on my arm, holding on me tightly. “The cancer… it’s gone.”  
  
And that’s what got me out of my weird daze. I froze up, my eyes finally showing emotion for the first time since I woke up: shock. For a second I thought that I must have made it up, that I was still dreaming, that I wasn’t actually back. No, it couldn’t be real. Things just didn’t go so easily for me. Jack said he was happy I was alive, there was no way that it was all gone. He wouldn’t have had to be so worried if it was. But I could feel his thumb run over my knuckles, I knew it had to be real.  
  
I looked at him once again, the smile on his face showed me that he wasn’t lying. What the hell had happened in the time I was out? How did they somehow manage to cure it while they first always told me that it was never going to happen? And why did I still feel like shit?  
  
“I-- I--” I was lost for words, not sure what to think. There was too much going on. I guess I was happy, but I also felt guilty for ‘blowing up’ on Jack like that. I also wanted to know how they managed to do it, how everybody was, and what was going to happen next. This was the last thing I had expected.  
  
“Don’t worry,” he continued to grin at me, coming a bit closer, “I accept your apology. You’ve been here for around two months or so. They decided to try out a new treatment. It was affecting you pretty hard, so that’s why I’m so happy you’re awake. When they said they were taking you out of the medically induced coma, there was just under a 50/50 chance that you’d make it. You had three days to wake up, but it’s day five right now. I thought I was going to lose you. I’d hate myself if I knew you had beaten the cancer, just to die because of the treatment. But you’re here. However, it’s not over yet. You still need to get a stem cell transplant which will take a while. They first need to find a match and then it takes a while for you to actually receive it, and then you still need to wait a bit to see if things actually work out. But when they find that match, it will be over quickly.”  
  
“I’m so lost,” I mumbled, still not being able to believe what was happening.  
  
“Too much at once? I’ll try to say it in simple words. Two months, cancer gone, need donor for stem cells, stem cells given to you, hopefully you get better fully."  
  
“No, I understood that, it’s just…” I breathed out a sigh that was just a tad shaky. “Wait. _Two months?_ How in the world have you been able to go without sex for two whole months?!”  
  
“Well, you see,” Jack dragged out, rocking in his chair a bit, “I got a new girlfr--”  
  
Just at that moment, Abagail came walking into the room with a baby in her arms. I could immediately tell that it was her daughter. But what confused me the most was what Jack said before, and how weird it was that Abagail was actually in here. When I took a quick glance at his left hand, I saw that his promise ring was missing from his ring finger. This was all adding up way too much, and it certainly was making me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but this seemed way too incidental.  
  
“Oh, hey, you’re awake!” Abagail gave me a smile and handed the baby to Jack, who was just looking at me with wide eyes.  
  
“Ok, umm, this is completely coincidental. Don’t think that this is what I was going to say,” Jack quickly began to defend himself, however still taking the newborn baby in his arms and gently rocking it, “I was actually going to say my right hand… you know, make a stupid joke. I didn’t _actually_ find a new girlfriend.”  
  
Abagail frowned as she looked in between us, sitting down on a chair close to the foot of my bed. The only thing that didn’t really sit right with me was that I didn’t really feel like she was frowning because she didn’t know what was going on, it seemed way deeper than that. She actually looked sad with a hint of anger mixed in it. But today wasn’t the day of jumping to conclusions.  
  
“I wasn’t accusing you of anything,” I reassured Jack, but actually felt relieved to know that it wasn’t what I was thinking. It didn’t explain his missing promise ring though. “Just one question, not to be rude or anything, but correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t there usually something made out of metal on your left hand, specifically on your ring finger?”  
  
“Oh. Umm, yeah, kinda embarrassing story,” He blushed, also having an explanation for this, “I was in the shower, you know doing things you do in the shower, and I slipped, I managed to grab onto that small weird ledge on the wall and my ring got this annoying deep scratch on it, so it’s getting fixed right now. You can call me stupid, because honestly I am, but I would never take it off otherwise.”  
  
The baby let out a couple of fussy noises before breaking out into a cry. Jack tried to calm her down by bouncing her up and down a bit more, but it didn’t work. Abagail stood up, suggesting that she was just hungry, and took her back from Jack, sitting back down on the chair.  
  
“You guys don’t mind if I feed her, right?” She asked before staring right at me, “You’ve both seen my boobs before.”  
  
It wasn’t the fact that she was going to breastfeed in front of me that made me uncomfortable (really, babies had to eat, there was nothing wrong with that), but the looks she gave me was just so intimidating. I just quickly diverted my eyes away from her, and instead decided to look at Jack who shrugged and said it was ok. All I did was nod my head along.  
  
“What’s, umm, what’s her name?” I decided to try to break the tension between us, which I wasn’t sure I was imagining, or if it was actually there and that Jack didn’t notice it at all.  
  
“Ruby and she has my last name,” Abagail answered, “I was first planning on giving her her father’s last name, but we didn’t really have that connection. He’s still moving out here, but we are just going to be friends and parents of our daughter, but nothing more. I could tell he wanted more, but I just didn’t feel it. No harsh feelings. But Jack’s been helping me out a bit since she was born two weeks ago.”  
  
“Yeah, that little girl there has been trying to cheer me up a bit the last couple of days,” Jack gazed at Ruby with speck of love.  
  
“She really has taken a liking to you. She rarely lets other people hold her, but she’s always been fine around you,” Abagail look at Jack with a lot more love than Jack was looking at the baby. This was more like an ‘I’m-in-love-with-you’ look rather than the appreciative look Jack was giving. Maybe I wasn’t imagining all this.  
  
“Babies love me,” Jack grinned with a chuckle, raising his arms in triumph, “I’ve just been around my nephews and nieces a lot, I know how to deal with other people’s kids, I don’t think I’ll be ready for my own though.” He gave me a quick glance as a wink, showing his support of my decision to preferably never have kids (not that I was sure I would ever be able to get pregnant anymore).  
  
“You know, you can always hang around with me and Ruby if you ever feel like you need to be around a _babe_ again.”  
  
Oh, I hated her wordplay. I knew she meant herself and definitely not Ruby. But of course Jack was stupid enough to not realise Abagail’s flirting. I was actually getting annoyed, just wanting her to back off already. Something told me that this wasn’t going to end soon, though. I was jealous, and it was making me furious.


	76. This Is Halloween, A Creepy Messy Halloween

When I was told that it was nearly halloween and that I was going to miss it all, I was really upset. It wasn’t exactly my favourite holiday or anything, but I just loved looking around at all the ‘spooky’ and ‘scary’ decorations, seeing how excited kids always were to get candy, making a costume that I would only wear once. What I loved the most, however, was face painting. Of course I wasn’t professional, but I loved trying out new things. Normally, I’d be in front of the mirror for hours, trying to create the right shadows and highlight to make myself look creepy. I may have hated normal makeup, but I loved trying to figure out special effects makeup. It was a small guilty pleasure of mine that nobody really knew about.  
  
I had voiced my complaints to Jack, actually telling him about my secret. He thought it was pretty funny and cute, and felt bad for my ‘sad, sad life’, as he put it. What I didn’t expect, though, was that my room was going to be fully decorated when I woke up on the 31st of October. Fake cobwebs littered the bedside table, fake spiders crawling around in it, a pumpkin was put on the dresser against the wall, and there was a silhouette of a black cat with a witch hat on the window sill. I couldn’t stop grinning as I sat upright and looked around the place. Jack had managed to do this last minute, still having managed to find some halloween supplies somewhere, decorating the place while I was asleep without making too much noise.  
Even if it had been shitty, I would have loved it. He must have put so much effort to make it work out. Just the fact that he tried already made me so much happier. Who knew something small like this could make my day?  
  
“I know it isn’t much, but I hope you like it.” Jack shrugged and sat down on the side of my bed. He was trying to read my facial expression, but was too stubborn to understand that I really felt joyful. I never thought anybody would ever do anything like this for me.  
  
“I love it.” I leaned forward and kissed him for the first time in forever. I either never felt like kissing him before, or there were too many other people around us. This time I couldn’t help it, not caring that I could possibly get ill from such personal contact.  
  
“That’s not all,” he finally accepted that I really did like his gesture, now also grinning himself, “I have one more surprise.”  
  
“Even more!” I gasped, staring at him with disbelief. “But, Jack, this is so much already!”  
  
“Well, I wanted this day to be as normal as possible for you,” he stood back up and made his way over to a plastic bag standing in the corner next to the door, quickly turning back to me to give me a wink “plus, I might get something more than just a kiss this time.”  
  
“You wish,” I scoffed and shook my head at his childish behaviour, “not only are we in a hospital, but that’s just way too far fetched.”  
  
“Oh… so the glow in the dark condoms were too much?”  
  
My eyes went wide, staring at him with shock. If he actually did that, I was going to flip shit. Not just because he was weird enough to get glow in the dark condoms, but also because he thought he could get lucky even though we were permanently living in a hospital room for now. This was not the place for anything like that.  
  
“Relax,” Jack chuckled, shaking his head at me, “I’m just kidding. I would never do that-- wait, I probably would, but not in a place like this. If we were at home right now, that would be a complete different story. But for now, all I have is innocent, unless you count the spookiness factor.”  
  
“Spookiness factor?” I raised an eyebrow at him, acting like I was judging him for it.  
  
“Shut up, don’t rain on my parade,” he pouted and sat back down, having taken the bag with him. Before I could ask what was in it, he started pulling out some objects, making my mouth open wide. “I got you some special effects makeup and shit. This way you can still make us look awesome for this awesome halloween party we’re going to have in here. Don’t tell anyone, you’re the only one invited.”  
  
“Sounds like one rowdy party,” I giggled, looking at all the expensive stuff he bought me. This was much fancier than the things I would use. I often improvised, but this was actual branded quality stuff. “This is awesome, thank you so much.”  
  
I kissed him once again, feeling him smile against my lips. While I often didn’t like people doing so many things for me, I really did like this side of Jack. Without going overboard, he still managed to make my time awake here so much better. This just reminded my why I loved him so much. He didn’t try too hard, but he still showed that he cared so much.  
  
“So, are you going to make me look like some scary monster attacked me or some shit?” He smirked, pointing at all the supplies scattered on the duvet.  
  
“Right now?” I asked, not having expected him to actually volunteer for me to put makeup on him again.  
  
“Yeah, right now!”  
  
So, I brought my legs up and sat Indian style, the blanket still covering my lower half. At least I wasn’t wearing one of those awkward hospital robes anymore, or this position would have been very uncomfortable and embarrassing, basically showing off all my parts. However, because I was wearing normal clothes, I could make enough space for Jack to sit directly opposite of me after he had taken off his shoes.  
  
I stared at the makeup for awhile, not sure where to start. “What do you want to be?”  
  
“Well, it doesn’t really matter, as long as it won’t pull off my beautiful beard when I need to take it off again,” Jack suggested, not making the decision much easier. At least I knew not to use anything that felt very sticky and waxy around what he claimed to be ‘his beard’.  
  
“That’s not a beard,” I laughed, “that’s a stubble.”  
  
“Whatever, stop making me feel bad about myself.”  
  
“Awe, I’m sorry,” I pouted, with a smile showing through my eyes, “I’ll make you look beautiful.”  
  
“Like a pretty little princess?” He asked with hopeful eyes.  
  
“We’ve already done that once. Let’s go for something scary this time.”  
  
And so, I decided to just try out things I had done to myself before. I knew how to make realistic looking open wounds and scars, and some basic contouring wasn’t all too difficult either. Of course, I first tried it on my hand, before putting stuff I didn’t know on Jack’s face. He thought it was pretty interesting to see how I was able to make a cut just using some silicon, foundation, and different shades of deep red. It actually looked like the skin had been cut open, making it peel up slightly at the edges.  
  
What better idea was there than making it look like Jack had severely been beaten up? I didn’t feel like doing the classic skeleton facepaint, so this was the other option. All I had to do was layer up the silicon and cotton pads in some places and let it dry before going to town, cutting open the artificial skin carefully. The funny part was that that wasn’t the difficult part at all. That was when Jack still had patience, and was physically able to sit still. It got a lot more difficult later on. You see, he was basically a small child. Anything and everything distracted him and he would immediately want to start doing other things. I, however, wanted to finish the face paint, I just had to make sure I didn’t take too long.  
  
“Jack, stop moving,” I muttered while trying to give him a black eye with the dark colored makeup. If he would stop making me mess up, it would all go by so much quicker.  
  
“But I just remembered there was something else I wanted to give you!” He whined and pouted at me.  
  
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, “really? Cause if it a kiss, I’ll have to check if I can actually deal with that.”  
  
“It actually isn’t, but now that you mention it…”  
  
He grabbed my head and pressed his lips against mine. Taken aback, my hands were at weird angles trying to keep the brushes and paints out of the way so they wouldn’t stain our clothes. Continuing to kiss me, he tried to get me to kiss him back while I was more focused on the spotless bed sheets. However, I eventually gave in when I couldn’t deny the pressure of his lips against mine anymore. This feeling was the one I had missed the most. Of course, the smaller kisses were satisfying as well, but he just always poured all his love into our deeper ones. Maybe it actually was a good thing that I couldn’t let my hands roam around his body…  
  
When something plastic dropped off the bed, we jumped apart, our heart racing not only from the kiss, but also from the shock of a loud noise interrupting us. We looked at the object, which just happened to be the packaging some of the paints came in, before laughing. If we were at home, a noise like that wouldn’t have fazed us, but in a semi-public place that suddenly changed a lot.  
  
“You got a little…” Jack wiped his thumb over my left cheek, just underneath my cheekbone, removing some purple paint from my skin.  
  
I looked back at him and saw one of the bruises I had already finished off was now completely smudged. “It’s all smudged over your face now.”  
  
“Totally worth it, though,” he pointed out.  
  
I couldn’t help but lean in to kiss him again. My art was already messed up, what did it matter now? My hand on his cheeky for support, my lips softly grazing his… and we were interrupted again. Only this time by the one and only Abagail. She still came around everyday with Ruby, shooting me daggers and trying to flirt with an oblivious Jack. And here I was, thinking people were actually happy that I was still alive. Well, there certainly was one person who wasn't. _Cough, cough._  
  
“I’m here, again!” Abagail announced cheerfully… way too cheerfully, until she saw Jack’s face, “What the hell happened to you!”  
  
“Ireland’s pretty good at makeup, isn’t she?” He gave me a loving smile, showing me off to her.  
  
She inspected my work after giving me a short glare. “Well, I mean, it’s… yeah…”  
  
“It looked better before, but Jack insisted on transferring and smearing it onto my face,” I let her know, trying to push her buttons.  
  
“Look, it’s not my fault that your lips. Are. So. Kissable!” He pecked me a couple of times between words, trying to take off any pigment that was now on my face.  
  
“So, you wanna hold Ruby?” Abagail awkwardly, yet rudely interrupted.  
  
“Sure!” Jack smiled.  
  
However, I wasn’t going to allow him. I laid down so my head was in his lap and groaned, “but it’s my turn to get cuddles. She’s been lucky enough to get it every day since she was born. I haven’t had any in, like, literally months!”  
  
“She’s got a point…” He pulled me into his lap, sitting against the headboard, and wrapping his arms protectively around me before whispering in my ear, “I really have to resist saying ‘that’s what she said’, you just set yourself up for that.”  
  
I snuggled against his chest, watching Abagail slouch over to her seat, giving me the ugliest look I had seen in awhile. But I knew that Jack would always put me first, and would always choose me, or at least that was what it seemed like at the time.


	77. Why Can't Guys Think Of Good Surprises?

I sat in the doctor’s office, uncomfortable like never before. The same old doctor who gave me the bad news at the very beginning was flipping through my file once again, occasionally nodding and sometimes shaking his head side to side. He probably didn’t remember me. All I was was another patient, mixed in with those hundreds of others. I wasn’t some special case. Sure, I managed to beat my cancer even though nobody thought I could, but that happened quite often. He didn’t even seem to care much that they got to try out their new treatment on me and that it had gone ok. Maybe the process wasn’t done yet. I was just another person who he got assigned.  
  
His office still felt as cold and uncomfortable as the first day I walked in here. All the model blood cells still stood on the desk, the posters still as bland and distant as before. This wasn’t the place you wanted to hear that you were going to die. But it happened to so many people, me included. Their ghosts still hung around, whispering dangerous encouragements of bad thoughts. A place like this shouldn’t be so inhospitable. Just a bit of color, or just a beautiful plant would be able to do so much. I had had enough of these monotone whites and too bright lights. All I wanted was to be out of here, and as soon as possible.  
  
But first they needed to find a donor.  
  
Jack wasn’t here with me, only making the entire place feel empty. They had a band meeting, discussing the idea of making new music and going back on tour. It was more important than the appointment I had here, or so I told him. He seemed reluctant at first, but eventually dropped it. Somehow he had managed to change his mind quickly, leaving me all alone for the first time since everything happened. I was used to him pushing me until I agreed to let him tag along everywhere, but nothing like that happened this time. He was actually gone, doing something that was important for me. This was one of the most appointments I was going to have, determining if I was actually going to survive or not.  
  
I guess I was alone for it.  
  
“So, I think we should just get started, shouldn’t we?” The doctor smiled, looking up from my file, only taking a very quick glance at the empty chair beside me. Maybe he did know about me and that Jack was always around. Maybe he was just as confused as my heart was.  
  
“Yeah,” I mumbled quietly and nodded my head, not wanting to acknowledge that I was here all alone.  
  
“I’m assuming you’ve already been brought up to date with your treatment,” he told me, using more hand gestures than a normal person would, holding a pen between his fore- and middle finger, “you’re having an Ablative Allogeneic Transplant. We gave you very high dosages of chemotherapy and radiation, killing off the cancer and also all of the remaining bone marrow. Now, to compensate for this, we need a donor to give you new stem cells, but this can be a dangerous process. So, your donor need to have genes a lot like your own--”  
  
The door opened quietly as somebody jogged in, taking off their jacket and hanging it over the chair next to mine before sitting down. My eyes went wide, not having expected anybody to be here with me, let alone him. Was this why Jack was so ok with leaving me? Just so he could surprise me with this?  
  
“Sorry I’m late, traffic’s pretty crazy out there. I guess it’s easier to get here if you basically live in a hospital room down the hall.” Cam nudged me, giving me a big out-of-breath smile. “Did I miss anything important?”  
  
“Just explaining the basics, but I was just getting to the donor part, so it’s good you could make it for this.” The doctor nodded at my brother, quickly reaching over to give him a firm handshake.  
  
“Good, because I would prefer to know what I’m getting myself into.”  
  
Wait. Cam was going to be the one donating stem cells to me? He was the one who was going to finalize my treatment? Nobody told me anything about this. Never had I ever heard anybody mention anything, not even the mere idea of asking my own twin brother to do this for me. This was just so sudden. I wanted to scream at him for never telling me this while I thought he was going to be over somewhere else in the world, but I was too glad to see a familiar face.  
  
“So, I’ll just get right into it. You’re going to be under general anesthesia,” he started explain the pretty chilling procedure to Cam, “this means that you won’t be aware of what’s going on nor will you feel any pain. We will remove the bone marrow from the back of your hip bones until we have enough to make Ireland, here, better. Then, the stems cells will be delivered to your bloodstream,” he now started directing the explanation towards me, “through a tube called a Central Venous Catheter. So, basically it will be like a blood transfusion. The whole transplant shouldn’t take too long, the time after when we have to monitor you will take a little while longer however. But, since we will be retrieving the bone marrow today, you should be out of here by the end of the month.”  
  
“Today?!” I gasped and looked at Cam, “why haven’t I been told anything about this!”  
  
He chuckled awkwardly, raising his hands up slowly. “Surprise?”  
  
\----  
  
I was in my hospital bed, biting my nails knowing that Cam was soon going to be in one of the rooms further down. While he was brought to the operation room, I was sent back to where I had been staying for way too long. Going with him would mean a larger risk on infection, not just for him, but for me as well. Especially for me, actually, since we had to go through a more public part of the hospital to get to those rooms. I couldn't stand knowing that he was out, being poked my needles for my good. Sure, I knew that nothing much could go wrong. But what if it was all for nothing? What if his cells weren’t compatible with mine even though they had already done some tests? What if the whole treatment didn’t work and I was going to die anyway? It would all have been a waste. Everything this hospital and Cameron and Jack had done for me would go to waste.  
  
Not being able to calm my nerves, I dialled Jack number, not caring how important the matter they could possibly be discussing was. Oh, who was I kidding, it was All Time Low, it rarely got that serious, especially with Jack around. The phone rang for a while and I was about to hang up when it was finally answered.  
  
“Hey, you’re on speakerphone, so don’t say anything inappropriate,” Jack voice sounded through my device, some noise surrounding him.  
  
“You’re an idiot,” I deadpanned. I didn’t mind that there were other people hearing this. I still thought he was being an idiot, maybe the others would agree with me.  
  
He giggled, not understanding my seriousness, “what?”  
“You’re a fucking _idiot_ ,” I said sternly, hoping he would get my message this time.  
  
It suddenly went very quiet on the other side, before there was some quiet ‘ooh’-ing from who I suspected to be Alex, teasing Jack about me being mad at him. It was nothing to laugh about, however. I wasn’t just going to act like nothing was going on for his sake.  
  
“And don’t start acting like you’re innocent and don’t know what you’re talking about, because I know for a fact that you do.” I continued after there was still no response.  
  
Jack sighed, knowing there was no way out of this. “Just wait a second, let me put my guitar away and then we can--”  
  
I interrupted him. “That’s not going to work, because I have to go to another department in a couple of minutes. You know, it’s a nice surprise to not tell me that my brother is here to visit me. _Visit_ me, Jack, not come here for an operation! What type of fucked up surprise it that supposed to be?!”  
  
“That is pretty fucked up,” Rian agreed, also being there to listen in on our conversation  
  
There was some shuffling around as Jack started talking again. “Your brother was supposed to be there before your appointment and explain everything. Didn’t he do that?”  
  
“Are you really counting on my brother being on time? Cause he definitely wasn’t. He was actually late, thank you very much.”  
  
“Okay, I’m out of the room now. I’m sorry, I probably should have told you and not relied on everything going exactly according to plan. I’m not even going to try to win that argument. I just have one question, though. Are you mad at me right now because you’re actually mad or just because you’re afraid something will go wrong?”  
  
I was about to tell him how absurd he was being, reading to continue being annoyed with him, but when I opened my mouth, I suddenly realised that he was actually right. Slowly, I closed my mouth again and sighed loudly. Jack knew me too well. Often it was a blessing, but it was definitely a curse as well. I didn’t like the fact that he could read me no matter what was going on and how hard I tried to hide it.  
  
“Exactly,” Jack continued when he realised I was not going to say anything back, “so, stop worrying. The doctors know what they're doing. Your brother is going to be fine, maybe he'll wake up loopy and say some weird funny shit, which you should really take a video of, and you’re going to be fine as well. In no time you’re going to be doing much better and you’ll be able to start living your life again. We just have to go through this. In a couple of hours I’ll be there with you again and I’ll be there when they start poking you with needles again. I love you, I promise it will all be ok.”  
  
“I love you too,” I whispered back so he could barely hear it.  
  
“What was that?” His smile was evident in his voice, knowing what I had said but just wanting to hear it again.  
  
“I love you too,” I repeated, adding an annoyed groan.  
  
“Now go take that video for me, because it’s going to be _hilarious_!” He said in a sing-song voice.  
  
And it really was.


	78. They All Say That It Will Be Fine

I was still in the hospital, being observed closely by the nurses to see if anything was going wrong with the stem cell transplant. I was given the transplant a day after they had retrieved the bone marrow from Cam. Just like with the many chemo sessions I had, I was given an IV, however this time it gave me something that was supposed to build up new cells rather than kill them off. Refreshing, but still painful. Nobody liked a needle stuck in their vein for a long time. But if it was supposed to make me better in the long run, then I was going to deal with.  
  
And it actually seemed like everything was going to go smoothly, that I wasn’t even going to get any side effects. It was quite a logical way to think because it had been a week and I felt like I was ready to get out of this hospital and go back home, sleeping in my own bed with Jack, and Taco at our feet. I really couldn’t wait for everything to be back to normal. I would always have to be careful and not shrug off symptoms as nothing, but at least I wasn’t stuck in a goddamn hospital the entire time.  
  
However, something switched that day. Once again, I was sleeping in for much longer, but nobody seemed to think much of it. The day before, I had been fine, so they assumed it was just me being tired and trying to catch up on sleep. But when I woke up in what used to be my warm bed, I felt cold, really cold. I tried pulling my duvet up to my chin to keep more heat in, but I was still shivering. It was like I was locked outside, powdery white snow around me, while I was in just some jeans and a T-shirt.  
  
“Hey, you’re awake.” Jack smiled, noticing my stirring.  
  
I snuggled further into the mattress, pulling the covers around me tighter, and grumbled, “I’m cold.”  
  
“I thought it was pretty warm in here,” another voice said somewhere else from the room. I actually couldn’t immediately work out who it was, not having expected that person to be here.  
  
I peeked open one eye and saw both Alex and Lisa sitting close to the end of my bed. Why did nobody warn me anymore that there were people coming? First, my brother suddenly appeared, and now these two. It wasn’t that I hated people visiting, I just liked to be able to prepare myself for it. You know, to think of the answers to any possible generic questions they had, to make sure I wouldn’t embarrass myself, or just simply so I could honestly say that I didn’t want any company. There were times that I felt like complete shit and my mom would be fussing about things and I just couldn’t deal with it. Alex and Lisa wouldn’t do that, but what if I had said something embarrassing or did something embarrassing? I would never let myself live that down.  
  
“Still cold,” I mumbled as I looked at Alex who had made the comment. While he might have been fine, I actually felt like my lips were going to go blue at any moment.  
  
“Have my beanie.” Jack took his off and reached out to put it over my still bald head, making it cover the top of my ears and nearly cover my eyes. He frowned when his fingers accidentally touched the sweaty skin on my forehead. “You feel hot, I think you might have a fever.”  
  
“I’m cold though.” I contradicted, reached out to touch his hand so he could feel my cold clammy hands.  
  
He quickly took his hand out of my grasp and let out a shriek, “don’t do that, your hands are cold!”  
  
I smirked, a plan brewing in my head, and reached out for him again. This time I did not only touch his hand, but also went for the face and neck. I really was lucky to no longer be needing an IV anymore, or I would have so managed to rip one out. Jack let out another yelp, jumping onto his chair so I couldn’t get close to him anymore. But he didn’t need to worry, because I suddenly felt very nauseous and retracted back into my bed, trying to stop my stomach from spinning. What ever was going to happen, I was not going to throw up. If it had just been Jack here, I wouldn’t have minded, but there was no way I wanted to do it in front of Alex and Lisa.  
  
A nurse came in, giving Jack a questioning look since he was still standing on the chair like he had just seen a mouse. “This is not the first time I’ve seen you doing that.”  
  
“Last time was because I was putting up halloween decorations!” Jack defended, slowly getting back down, sitting like a normal person again.  
  
‘Yes, but that wasn’t the first time either,” she chuckled, holding her clipboard in one hand and coming up to me to check whatever they had to check this time. Since Jack and I had been here for so long, most of the nurses knew us on a personal level, being able to joke around with us and also feeling bad if there was any bad news, but also ecstatic when there was some good news.  
  
“So, how are you feeling?” She asked me, wrapping the instrument around my arm to check my blood pressure. Turning it on, she went back to focus all her attention back to me.  
  
“I’m pretty sure she has a fever,” Jack interrupted instead of letting me answer.  
  
“I was actually asking Ireland, here,” the nurse sighed and gave Jack a shake of her head, “but I guess you’re able to feel what she does.”  
  
He pursed his lips, looking very guilty before rushing over to Alex and sitting in his lap, saying something about the mean nurse attacking him, asking Alex to make it all better. It was nice to see Jack act more like his old self. Alex being around really helped with that. They fed of each other’s energy, so Jack had somebody who happily acted crazy with him.  
  
“What he said,” I told the nurse while Alex and Jack were still basically cuddled up, “I feel cold, he says I feel hot.”  
  
“Ok, well, I’m just going to measure your temperature to make sure then,” she gave me the thermometer to put in my mouth, going down her checklist to see if there was anything else to do. Her pen eventually stopped somewhere halfway through the page. “Any pain, especially in your joints?” I shook my head, not being able to talk with the apparatus in my mouth. “Nausea?” I shook my hand to tell her so-so. “I’m going to count that as a yes because you always tell us somethings a six on a scale from one to ten, but we would consider it nine.” I rolled my eyes at her. Next, she checked the thermometer. “Ok, it seems like you do have a pretty high fever. I’m guessing that these are early signs of infection, which isn’t anything to worry about. It’s very usual for it to happen since the transplant also affects your immune system. It’s nothing some antibiotics can’t fix. I’ll be right back.”  
  
I groaned as soon as she left the room, sinking down into my pillows again, “I was so happy not to have any needles or cannulas sticking in my hands or arms, but I’m getting one again!”  
  
“Had enough of them?” Alex asked in a joking manner, but I was too fed up with all this to laugh as well.  
  
“No, I love being poked by needles countless of times.” I rolled my eyes watching Jack climb out of Alex’s lap and going back to his own fancier padded chair. “The only people who actually like it are heroin addicts. Last time I checked, I am not a heroin addict.”  
  
“You’re mean when cannulas are involved,” Jack pouted, bringing his feet up onto the chair so his knees where underneath his chin awkwardly.  
  
“No, this is me being annoyed,” I corrected him, basically contradicting my statement, “I’ll get mean when they decide to miss my vein over and over again until my arm’s basically bleeding all over.”  
  
The door burst open. Instead of a nurse coming in like I was expecting, Cameron came stumbling in instead, eyes going wide when he saw Alex sitting there casually. Freezing up, he slowly turned around on one foot, going back for the open doorway.  
  
“Holy fucking shit,” he mumbled before getting louder, “ok, I’m out of here!”  
  
And with that he left and the door slammed shut again. He just needed a minute to fangirl in peace before coming back. Everybody shared looks while Jack and I were the only ones knowing exactly what was going on. It was typical Cam to not be able to control his excitement, especially around bandmembers. How was he ever going to make it big if he couldn’t even talk to his idols that were willing to acknowledge him?  
  
“What was that about?” Alex questioned, not even knowing who the awkward guy who just walked in was.  
  
“Isle’s twin brother,” Jack answered for me once again rather than letting me explain myself, “he probably just saw you and had a mild fangirl attack. It’s not bad. I got a similar-ish reaction out of him when I saw him the first time. Ireland wasn’t fazed about it all while he was trying to explain who I was…”  
  
He continued to explain the whole event again, adding as much detail as possible, such as me not knowing who they were but actually knowing as well. Then the whole way Cameron did not just talk, but also act. It all really had left an impression on Jack if he could retell the whole story with all this around it.  
  
But I wasn’t listening anymore. The nausea and sick-feeling was only starting to get worse, making my stomach turn queasy and churn uncomfortably. I knew I was going to be sick anytime soon, but I couldn’t do it in front of so many people. Any other moment in a group, I would have rushed to the bathroom, like I’ve done before, but with all the other machines still hooked onto me, that also wasn’t exactly an option anymore.  
  
When Jack subconsciously put his hand on my mattress, I reached out under my duvet to let my fingers graze with his. He eventually looked down at me after he had finished his story and immediately realised that I wasn’t doing so well anymore. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t just send his friends out, but he also didn’t just want to go with them and leave me all alone. I know they wouldn’t have judged me, because they were visiting while I had been in a hospital for quite some time and anything could still go wrong. However, that didn’t mean I felt comfortable.  
  
Luckily, Cameron came back in, having calmed down quite significantly. He actually seemed ready to meet Alex without having another fangirl attack. Of course, Alex was still one of his idols, but he just had to remind himself that he was also just a human being. Cameron was starting to understand what it was like to have girls scream whenever they saw him. However, when Jack saw that this was a chance to give us some time alone, he quickly took it, only making Cam freak out a little again.  
  
“Hey, how about you take Alex and Lisa to go get some food while the nurses come in here to give Isle an IV again?” Jack suggested, twisting around the situation just slightly. It was true, nurses never liked working with too many visitors, but this wasn’t going to be such a problem.  
  
“What, me?” Cam nearly squeaked out, his body posture stiffening up as his heartbeat probably started rising quickly.  
  
Jack just gave him a look, not really implying anything, but at the same time just telling him to get going already.  
  
“I mean, yeah, sure why not? It’s not like I’m just going to stand there. What? No, not at all. It’s going to be _all_ good. Let’s go!” Cam rambled on, only embarrassing himself.  
  
Normally, I would have taken this opportunity to laugh and make fun of him, but I wasn’t exactly up for that. Luckily, Alex was able to see past my brother’s awkwardness and took Lisa with him to follow Cam and find some place where they could get food other than the hospital cafeteria. I really wanted to see all the stupid things Cam would do and hear all the messed up things he would say. This was a pretty big deal to him, but I couldn’t help and love seeing my brother uneasy surrounded by people he idolizes.  
  
“Are you ok?” Jack asked me as soon as we were the only ones left in the room.  
  
I hummed in response, shrugging a little. Even though I wasn’t surrounded by people anymore, it did not mean that I practically liked being sick. I was still going to try and suppress it all. I had enough of this whole terminally ill thing. Well, I wasn’t exactly terminally ill anymore, but you get the jist.  
  
Without me having to ask, he got up and picked up the empty bucket that was placed against the wall. I hadn’t needed that thing for quite some time, but here I was, once again going to have to clutch onto that sickening thing for dear life. Jack helped me sit up so that he could sit on the side of my bed, just behind me. After placing the bucket in front of me, he let one of his hand lighting rest on my leg as if to comfort me.  
  
“You’re going to be ok,” he whispered and lightly kissed my temple.  
  
I nodded, but could already feel the bile rising up my throat. It didn’t take much longer after that. Jack stayed right there with me, not disgusted at all by what was going down. He stayed right there, sat behind me, and kept telling me how much he loved me and that everything was going to be ok, that this was just one last obstacle to overcome. I don’t know how he managed to stay so positive, because tears were definitely streaming down my face.  
  
When a different nurse came in with the antibiotics they were going to give me, she also got me a new bucket and said she’d clean out the old one. Getting a needle stuck into your hand when you already feel nauseous really doesn’t work out well. It just made me a lot dizzier. There was no way I was going to be back to normal before Cam came back with Alex and Lisa. I was just waiting for them to burst through that door with food that was only going to make my stomach churn even more. The black bucket was still clean, and I would have loved to keep it that way.  
  
“What the shit happened in here?” My brother asked, being the first one to reappear in the hospital room again.  
  
I just let myself hang over the bucket, my arms on the outer edge, trying to take deep breaths, and groaned, “fuck off.”  
  
I wasn’t up for his stupid jokes right now. He would totally have started if I didn’t show my annoyance before he could even think of something to say. Some people just didn’t know when to stop with jokes, and if things got a bit too serious Cam just couldn’t stop himself. If you were just in time, however, you could get him to stop before he would make everything go downhill.  
  
“Maybe we should go out for a bit more…” he turned around and pushed Lisa and Alex out of the room with him, “Jack’s got this.”  
  
“Is she ok?” Lisa asked quietly as she tried to see what was going on without being rude.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine.”  
  
The door shut behind them.


End file.
